Oh lord. I’ve been using this WordPerfect document for so long it knows when I’m gonna type my own name and not to capitalize the j... LAUGH OUT LOUD! Hmhmhm. Well. Anyway. AS IF I would ever dreeeeeaaaaaam of continuing the Gackt’s House Arch. There’s a new arch in town. And it’s sayin’ “Bitch, this word doc ain’t big enough for the both of us.” Then it tips it’s tattered dusty old cowboy hat dramatically, shoots the other one dead and BANG! just like that I have a genius idea for this new arch that isn’t even going to be an arch. At least I hope it’s not. I’ll try to do my best to contain it to one episode but ya know.. Once I start going with an idea I lose all control of my fingers on this keyboard. So. Whatever happens... happens. And of course, what I say goes, so... let’s assume we’re still at Gackt’s house and we stayed longer than a weekend.

*everyone chillin’ by Gackt’s fancy shmancy pool*

Sarah: *walks up to Kyo* Hey Kyo... where you goin’ with that gun in yo' hand?
Kyo: ...
jo: Hello bitch. I believe the lyrics are “Hey JO, where you goin’ with that gun in your hand?” ...
Sarah: Funnier with Kyo...
jo: I WAS THERE FIRST!
Ken: Hey my homeskillets, what’s crackin’ over hurr?
Kyo: I... don’t know.
jo: And you never will, Kyo. *pats him on the back*
Sarah: Well Ken, we’re just standing around, quoting old songs. That no one in the world probably knows exist.
Ken: Hmm... I thought I heard something about guns.
Kyo: GUNS?!
jo: Uh-ohhh.... Kyo no likey violence.
Kyo: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWR! *throws Ken in the pool*
Ken: WAAAH!
Kaoru: *runs over* Hey, did somebody say something about guns?! I wanna gun! Give me a gun! KAORU WANTS A GUN!
jo: We don’t have any guns you moron.
Kaoru: Oh, darn.
Gackt: *mysteriously appears* I have some guns.
Sarah: Yay! Guns!
jo: You know, this all could be really perverted.
Kaoru: Yeah... heheh. Guns.
Kyo: Heh. Guns.....
jo: Heh.
Sarah: Haha.
Gackt: Hmm... yeah. Hehhhhehhhheeh.
Ken: OK ENOUGH ALREADY! SHOW ME THE GOODS! *climbs outta the pool*
Gackt: If you insist........... *starts taking off his swim trunks*
jo: Oh boy! *leans in*
Sarah: Yaay!
Ken: *dives back in the pool*
Kyo: *starts to cry*
Kaoru: ...................... *smile*
Gackt: ...
jo: Well?!
Gackt: Ok, I was really gonna do it but he just creeped me out right there.
Kaoru: Who, me?
Gackt: Yeah man. You’re fricken weird.
jo: Hey! That is so totally my line!
Ken: ...Well, anyway, about those guns....
Gackt: Right!

Gackt leads jo, Sarah, Ken, Kaoru, and Kyo away from the pool while everyone else is distracted and takes them to his prize possession - his gun collection.

Ken: Wow! This is even better than your skull collection, G!
Gackt: ...How would you like to see a demonstration...
Ken: Huh?
Gackt: I didn’t say anything.
Kyo: Oh boy, can I play with one!
Gackt: Uh, it’s locked and I can’t find the–
Kyo: *smashes the glass with his head*
Gackt: ...key. But yeah, that works too.
Kyo: *grabs the biggest one in there*
Kaoru: Aw look, he’s trying to compensate for something. How cute.
Kyo: Kaoru. I have a gun in my hand. Do you really want to try me.
Kaoru: *grabs a gun* I have one too.
jo: FIGHT TO THE DEATH!
Sarah: NO! You’re all too hot to die!
Kaoru: Wow, even me? *starry eyes*
Sarah: Well, except you.
Kaoru: Damn...
Kyo: Haha!
Kaoru: *goes into a fit of rage and slams Kyo into the gun cabinet, then Kyo disappears into ANOTHER WORLD!*
jo: KYO! *grabs him by the arm and gets sucked in, too*
Sarah: jo! *grabs her by the arm*
Gackt: Xena! *grabs Sarah by the arm*
Ken: Um.... *pushes Kaoru so he’ll fall in too* Kaoru! *grabs him by the arm*

Yaaaay! We got sucked into an alternate universe! Hmm. Who didn’t know that would happen? Really, I mean, who. Who. If anyone was stupid enough to think I’d have come up with some new material, well... then... you’re stupid. Just stupid.

*all fall out of the sky and land in a pile somewhere in the desert*

Gackt: *stands up* ...Wow! WE CAN SEE ANOTHER WORLD! *FUCKING HAHA I MADE ANOTHER SONG JOKE*
Sarah: Oh, no... not another parallel dimension...
Kyo: What, does this happen all the time or something?
Sarah: Sigh... Yes. And after each instance of falling from the sky we remain unharmed.
jo: IT MUST BE A MIRACLE! Anyway, it’s not a parallel dimension, it’s actually an alternate universe, because if it were a parallel dimension, that would mean that there were– *gets smooshed by Ken and Kaoru* YOWCH!
Kaoru: Woohoo! I’m on top of a girl! My dream has come true!
Kyo: Now you know what it’s like to be a man. *belch*
jo: Kaoru and Ken. I would appreciate it if you would both get off me.
Ken: Oh yeah, sorry. I was just gonna lay there like a lump on a log forever, but, ya know.
Kaoru: SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO where are we, guys?
jo: As I was saying, this is an alternate– *gets shot by a blow-dart and falls over dead*
Masked indian: *rides up on horse and stops in front of them* Uhh... are you people gonna eat that? *points to jo*
Kyo: Nah, you can have it.
Sarah: NO! Without her we’re stuck here forever...
Masked indian: So... you are gonna eat it then?
Gackt: Who are you, masked stranger?! SHOW YOURSELF TO GACKT!
Masked indian: *takes off indian-ish mask and is Toshi from X-Japan* I’m a rose... blooming in the dessert...
Kyo: Um, don’t you mean the–
Sarah: *claps hand over his mouth*
Kaoru: TOSHI! Can you introduce me to hide?! HE IS MY IDOL!
Toshi: Of course I can.
Kaoru: ALRIGHT!
Gackt: Wait a minute, how are you gonna...
Toshi: DO NOT QUESTION ME!
Gackt: O... O..kay....
Ken: So, um, where in the name of all things holy are we?
Toshi: You’re in the wild wild west, baby! YEE-HAW!
jo: Alright! Toshi’s a cowboy! Ok... an indian. Same thing.
Sarah: Woohoo! Hey, wait... you’re knocked out.
jo: Oh, right. *lays back down*
Gackt: So, can you help us get back home?
Kyo: NO! I don’t wanna go back to the home... *starts rocking back and forth shaking violently....*
jo: That’s my cue! *magickally wakes up and hugs him*
Toshi: Well I don’t think I can help you get back home....
Gackt: So wait. You can help us meet a dead guy but you can’t take us home.
Toshi: PERHAPS!
Everyone: ...
Toshi: Nah, I’m just jerkin’ your chains. I can help ya. *whistles and a bunch of wild mustangs come running over to them and stop*
jo: Oh boy! Kyo, c’mon! *drags him onto a horse*
Kyo: Hey, let me sit in the front! I’m the man!
jo: NO I AM! SALLY FORTH! *their horse speeds off into the distance*
Toshi: Follow me, white-skins!
Kaoru: He thinks he’s an indian...
Ken: He must’ve been smoking the peace-pipe...
Kaoru: ...
Ken:...
K+K: ALRIGHT PEACE PIPE, LET’S GO! *both jump on horses and follow*
Sarah: Wait up! *jumps on a horse* C’mon Gackt! *rides away*
Gackt: Wait! I dunno... how to ride.... *jumps on his horse* Umm... OPEN SESAME!
Horse: *speeds off in a cloud of dust*

After a few hours of riding...

Kaoru: Uh, Toshi.... Are you sure you know where we’re going...
Toshi: Of course. We’re going to meet hide.
Gackt: *just catching up with the group... rides up next to them sitting backwards on his horse* So we’re going to talk to the dead?
Toshi: PERHAPS!
jo: Oh boy! Let’s talk to... um....
Kyo: Let’s kill you, then we can talk to you!
jo: Yeah! Great idea! Kyo you’re a genius!
Kyo: Yeah, and I never finished high school. Hell, I didn’t even start it!
jo: Kyo, you’re my hero!
Kyo: Yeah, join the club.
jo: Well, I would, but... you only let people with a Japanese address join...
Kaoru: And for good reason...
jo: HEY! Was I talkin’ to you, big head?!
Gackt: Hey, I thought I was the resident big head...
Sarah: Don’t worry Gackt, you still are. But Kaoru... well, his head’s square. Do you’re big-round-head and he’s big-square-head.
Gackt: Yaaay!
Toshi: WE’RE HERE!

*they arrive at a small indian village with Toupees.. No wait, those are hair pieces... teepees? However the hell you spell it. Indian houses. Made of... whatever it is those things are made of. ....yeeaaah... let’s go with that.*

Sarah: Wow! This place is great!
Gackt: It’s even better than SEX!
Everyone: ...
Gackt: Ok, I dunno where that came from.
jo: Randomocity of a crack-head.
Gackt: I am not on drugs. If I was could I do this?!
jo: ...
Gackt: ...
Kyo: You’re not doing anything... You’re just standing there.
Gackt: Exactly!
Toshi: Well, are you crazy white-men coming, or are you gonna stand around all day?
Ken: C’mon Kaoru, let’s go find ourselves that peace-pipe, shall we?
Kaoru: Let’s shall. *follows Ken into the village*
jo: We’ll be over here... uh, doing something. Call us on our imaginary cell phones if you need us!
Kyo: Sigh... I’m surrounded by–
Sarah: Don’t say it.
Gackt: Come on you ass hats. Let’s follow that Ex-X-Japan vocalist-turned-Indian-chief.
Sarah: Sounds dangerous.
jo: When has that ever stopped us before?! *follows Gackt*
Toshi: *leads them to a tent at the head of the village*
Gackt: Wow, it’s pretty big in here. *sees a fire burning in the middle of the floor* FIRE! AAAAH!!! *starts going crazy*
jo: *pulls the blow-dart out of her arm and pokes Gackt with it*
Gackt: *falls over*
jo: COOL!
Toshi: Everyone sit in a circle around the fire. We’re going to take a spiritual journey and talk to hide.
Sarah: Um, Kaoru really wanted to be here for this... I think I’ll go get him.
Kyo: Uh, I’ll go with you... *follows her out of the tent*
jo: Hey! Don’t leave me here with a passed-out Gackt and this crazy guy! *runs out of the tent and sees a scary sight before her eyes: the village is being ransacked by cowboys from a near-by town, guns are going off, teepees are burning, people are dying, children are being trampled, vicious dogs are running around frothing at the mouth, etc. etc.* ...COOL! COWBOYS! *grabs a horse as it runs by and jumps on* Look at me, I’m a cowgirl! *gets shot at* HEY! *looks over to see Kyo also pretending to be a cowboy* Kyoooooo!
Kyo: *rides over to her* Hey, we have to pretend to be one of these people or they’ll kill us. Act like you’re shooting people!
jo: Not a problem! *starts firing wildly*
Kyo: Hey! WATCH IT!
jo: Wait, where’s Sarah and Kaoru and Ken?
Kyo: *sees a guy ride by on a horse, pulling another horse by the reins that has Sarah, Kaoru, and Ken hogtied on it’s back*
jo: Great...
Kyo: *grabs some guy’s cowboy hat off his head as he rides by and puts it on*
jo: Oh my god...
Kyo: What?
jo: You look soooo cute.....
Kyo: ...
jo: ...Let’s get the hell outta here before I start writing this as a lemon about you and me... *rides off*
Kyo: Oh dear God, let’s do... *follows her*
jo: Wait, I forgot about Gackt!
Kyo: Don’t worry, I’m sure that ugly guy will keep him safe.
jo: Wow, Kyo, don’t bet on it...
Kyo: Sorry, I just don’t wanna go back and get SHOT, if that’s ok with you...
Random cowboy: IT’S NOT! *shoots at Kyo, but misses* That’s for stealing my hat! Next one won’t miss!
jo: HEY! *points to the random cowboy* RUKI! You’re... Ruki! You’re a cowboy? Wait.. How’d you get in here? I thought... we were the only ones who fell into Gackt’s gun cabinet...
Ruki: I dunno who you’re talking about, missy. You must be outta your gourd. But look, if you two are pretendin’ to be with us, you best follow me and ride fast. *rides off*
jo: Wow, cowboy Ruki is sooooo dreamy... *follows him*
Kyo: Wait for me!

AAAAAAAANDDDDDD soooooooooo jo and Kyo follow the rest of the cowboys back to the town, sticking close to the new Ruki and pretending to be one of the gang.

jo: We’ll have to go back for them later...
Kyo: I say leave ‘em. Who needs ‘em, anyway... Dumb old Kaoru... always... bein’.. taller than me, and... whatnot... *sniff sniff*
jo: Kyo.
Kyo: What.
jo: You’re crying. You need Kaoru. You like Kaoru. You loooooove Kaoru. You want some more oooof Kaoru–
Kyo: SHUT UP!
Ruki: Hey, ya’ll keep it down back there! You want someone to get suspicious?
jo: Sorry new sexy cowboy version of Ruki!
Ruki: *shakes his head and looks forward* Crazy broad...
Kyo: Hey! Look up there! It’s the guy with the horse carrying them!
jo: You mean Sarah and Kaoru and Ken?! I remember Sarah and Kaoru and Ken.... They were always... well, they were always.... Sarah and Kaoru and Ken...
Kyo: Yes! Look! Up there!
jo: Where! I can’t see anything past that ugly blob of... ugliness!
Kyo: That’s Kaoru.
jo: Ow... Well, uh, changing the subject... I hope they’re ok...
Kyo: Yeah, um... me too...? *both burst out laughing*
jo: Hahahaha! We don’t care at all!!!
Kyo: Yeah! Hahahaaa....
Ruki: We’re here, ya’ll act natural.
Kyo: Natural? Ok, that shouldn’t be a problem - I haven’t shaved my armpits in months!
jo: ...

*all the cowboys ride into town and congregate at the local pub*

jo: *getting off her horse* I watched the guy who has ‘em, he went that way.
Kyo: *falls off his horse and into a pile of mud* Ok. Let’s go.
Ruki: Hey, where’re you two off too?
jo: Well, sexy cowboy version of Ruki... we must part ways here... but we will meet again...
Ruki: What’s she on about?
Kyo: Just ignore her. We have to go save our friends.
Ruki: You mean those three we picked up at the village? You know ‘em?
Kyo: Unfortunately. Yes.
jo: *drooling*
Kyo: We’ll be going now...
Ruki: Wait!
jo: *drooling all over herself*
Kyo: What?
Ruki: *takes his hat off Kyo’s head* Ya’ll be careful now, ya hear?
Kyo: Ok Mr. Cheap Western Accent.
Ruki: What’d you call me boy?
Kyo: NOTHING! *drags jo off to the shed where he saw the guy take Syrup, Kenny, and MooKao*
jo: Kyo, what if there’s a guard?
Kyo: Then we’ll just have to beat him up.
jo: Alright! We’re gonna beat someone up! Awesome! ...Kyo, what if he has a gun?
Kyo: Then we’ll just have to beat him up...
jo: Kyo, what if they shoot us dead–
Kyo: WE’RE GONNA BEAT HIM UP I SAID!
jo: Ok.... if you say so.
Kyo: I do. Look, this is the place.
jo: Oh boy, a spooky looking barn!
Kyo: You go in and be the decoy.
jo: Anything for you Kyo! We’re gonna kick some ass! YEAH! *runs in*

*5 minutes later*

Kyo: *tied up with everyone else* Great...
jo: *also tied up* Did I do good Kyo?!
Kyo: Uh... sure.
jo: YAY!
Kaoru: So, what’re ya in for?
Ken: *playing the harmonica and singing* Went down to the wild west with my baby... *harmonica* Got caught by some cowboys who thought I was an indian... *harmonica* Gonna be shot–
Sarah: *smack*
Ken: UH HELLO. THAT HURT.
Sarah: GOOD.
jo: So, how are we gonna get outta here?
Sarah: Well... we’ve been working on that.
Kyo: ...
Sarah: Ok, I’ve been working on it. Kaoru and Ken have just been singin’ the blues.
Kaoru: Yeah, where’d we get this harmonica from, anyway...?
Ken: Who knows!
Kyo: Sigh.
Kaoru: Yes. Sigh, indeed, my little Kyo.
Kyo: ...
Kaoru: I didn’t even get to see hide...
Ken: And we didn’t get to smoke the peace pipe...
jo: Can one of you change your name? My lord... the three of you together equals a racial slur that I’m not gonna point out.
Ken: Ku Klux Klan.
jo: KEN! SHHH! You wanna get shot?!
Sarah: Yeah, we in da hood, boy!
Kyo: WHO WILL SAVE MEE?!?!?!?!?!!?
jo: I’ll save you Kyo!!!!
Kyo: Uh... no you won’t.
jo: AW, MANA!
Mana: *falls from the hay-loft*
Sarah: Mana!!! Yaaaay! We’re saved!
Mana: *unties them*
Kyo: Alright! Now we can–
jo: Go kick some cowboy ass! This’ll teach the white man to steal our land! *runs outside* ... *runs back in followed by a crazy person on horseback* AH!
hide: *stops horse and jumps off*
Everyone: HIDE! You’re alive!
Toshi: *rides in on his horse, followed by Gackt*
Gackt: *riding his horse the right way for once* Look guys, I’m an indian! *adjusts his feather headdress*
jo: Gackt, you’re the sexiest indian I’ve ever seen. But look! It’s hide!
hide: Yup, I’m here to save the day.
jo: You chased me.... on horseback.... waving a hatchet...
hide: Yeah, sorry about that. I was um.... caught up in the moment. Yeah...
Kaoru: hide, you are my idol! I LOVE YOU!
Sarah: Me too!
Kyo: I thought you were dead...
Hide: Nah. Jrockers never die.
Toshi: TRUE DAT!
Kyo: No matter where we go, there’s no escaping the ebonics....
Sarah: I guess not.
jo: Wait a minute. Toshi, back there you said we were gonna go on a spiritual journey to talk to hide, so why would we have to do that if he was alive?
Toshi: Well, I was planning on playing a trick on you all.
jo: ...Oh.
Kyo: So, the gang’s all here, can we go home now?
Toshi: Now that much I can do. Let’s sneak outta here and go back to the village. It’s mostly in ruins, but I think we can manage to open a portal back to your dimension from there.
jo: Oooooh, I don’t wanna leave! There’s this really great and hott version of Ruki here... he’s like a cowboy.... oh lord, he’s so hott....
Sarah: Really? What’s he like?!
jo: Like that. *points to the barn doors that have just busted open and Ruki comes riding in on his black stallion*
Ruki: I’VE COME TO TAKE YA LIFE! *pulls out one of those old west pistols*
Sarah: Wow, he IS hott!
jo: Told yaaaaaa!
Kyo: So why is he about to shoot us if he’s so hott, huh?!
Ruki: I’m really gonna do it!
Kaoru: Hahahaha.
Ken: Kaoru! Don’t tempt him!
Ruki: It’s too late, I’m already tempted!
Gackt: You couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn, chubbo.
Ruki: *shoots the wall of the barn and points his gun back at Gackt*
Gackt: ....
Ruki: I’LL DO IT! I’M CRAZY! *shoots, but just as he pulls the trigger, hide shoots him with an arrow*
hide: GOT HIM! WOODOOLOODOOLOO! *indian screech* *starts dancing around* HEY HOW ARE YA HEY HOW ARE YA HEY HOW–
Toshi: Ok you can stop that now.
hide: Sorry.
Gackt: I’m confused... Oh, hi Mana.
Mana: *nods and waves*
jo: ...
Sarah: ...
Kyo: ...
Ken: ...
Kaoru: ...
Mana: *blink blink*
Gackt: ...
Toshi: ...
hide: I SAVED THE DAY! Told ya I would! Hahahahahahahaaa!
Kaoru: hide.... you’re my HERO!
hide: I know! COME KAORU! DANCE WITH ME! *both start doing the robot*
Kyo: Well, that’s a sign that we should be getting home.
Toshi: Right, back to the village.
Gackt: Come on, everyone. Mana, I dunno how you got here, but if you’re the real Mana and not some parallel universe Mana, then you’d better come, too...
jo: But Gackt! Cowboy Ruki was soooo hot! How can we just... leave him to die like this!
Sarah: Yeah, can’t we take him with us?
jo: Yeah, can we keep him, Gackt? Pleeeaaase?
Gackt: Oh, not the puppy dog eyes...
jo: PLEASE GACKT?!
Gackt: You already have a Ruki at home and you can barely take care of that one.
Sarah: Aw! Gackt! C’mon, we’ll take care of him!
Gackt: Look, he’s already dead. There. Now let’s go home.
Sarah: Aww, Mana...
Mana: *throws his hands up in a Mana-ish gesture that secretly translates to “I farted”*
Ken: Wait, before we go home, Toshi... can we smoke the peace-pipe?
Toshi: Hmm... I suppose a few puffs couldn’t hurt.
Ken: ALRIGHT!

*everyone sits around a bonfire in the middle of the ruined indian village... smoking the peace-pipe*

Sarah: It’s a shame this place got ruined...
Kyo: Yeah. Something tells me that if we hadn’t shown up it’d still be in one piece.
jo: What makes you say that?
Kyo: Well... IN CASE YOU HAVEN’T NOTICED, WE LEAVE A WAKE OF DESTRUCTION BEHIND US WHEREVER WE GO.
jo: We do?
Sarah: Pretty much.
jo: Cool! So what’s wrong with that, Kyo?
Kyo: Me no likey violence. ME LIKEY BREADSTICKS! ME LIKEY BREADSTICKS! ME LIKEY–
Kaoru: Here, Kyo, you need to mellow out. *hands him the peace-pipe*
Toshi: Say no to drugs, little one!
Mana: *takes a puff*
Kyo: You’re the one who gave it to them you fucking retard!
Ken: Some people just can’t mellow out like me and you can, Kaoru.
Kaoru: Yeeeaaah.
Gackt: Hey, what’s in this stuff, anyway?
hide: It’s a secret.
Gackt: ...
Sarah: That’s scary...
hide: I know.
Kyo: So can we go home yet?
Toshi: In due time, monkey face, in due time...
Kyo: ...
Kaoru: Breathe, Kyo, breathe...
Kyo: No breathing that anyone could ever do is going to lessen the force with which I am going to knock his teeth out...
Ken: Hahahaha! Shorty, you’re so funny...
jo: Hey! Everyone leave Kyo alone. He’s better than all yins guys put together.
Kyo: That’s right.
jo: Yes, he’s almost as hot as the cowboy version of Ruki... Sigh.
Sarah: Yeah, what a shame he had to die...
jo: Well, we’ll just dress up the real Ruki when we get home. And force him to talk with an accent.
Sarah: Yeah...
Kyo: But you’ve still got me!
jo: Yes, yes we do. *squeeze*
Sarah: *grabs his arm* I want some Kyo!
jo: MEINS! *pulls on him*
hide: Hey ladies, don’t forget about hide! I’m hot too!
Ken: Me too!
Kaoru: SO AM I!!!!!
Gackt: Ok, now you’re just being silly...

[The end.]