Alright. Sarah says she wants a plot. Well, those weren’t her exact words, but... you know what I mean. A plot. One of those thingies I really don’t know how to deal with.... In other words, some idea that’s way more retarded than the usual retarded idea that will take up millions (or 2) episodes and that I won’t finish because a) I can’t, and b) I don’t wanna. But regardless of all that... Here we are... On our way to Gackt’s house to spend the weekend! Woohoo! But first you need to know all this:

car 1: Toshiya, Hyde, Sakura, Ruki, and Sarah driving (lord help us)
car 2: Tetsu, Miyavi, Die, Yukihiro, and Ken driving (lord help us again)
car 3: Reita, Kaoru, jo, Kyo, and Shinya driving (woohoo we’re gonna live!)

And Gackt is already there with a couple friends. Oh, and just so you know, that car stuff wasn’t rigged. I picked names randomly to see who’d be where and who’d be driving SO THERE! Now let’s go to Gackt’s house. (Once again the ‘blame Sarah’ disclaimer is in effect, so don’t forget.)

Let’s see what kinda party’s goin’ on in Car 1, shall we....?

Sarah: *swerving all over the road*
Hyde: Uh, are you sure you know how to–
Sarah: YES!
Hyde: ... *puts his seatbelt on*
Toshiya: *pulls his pants down and puts his butt up to the window* HAHA!
Ruki: EW! Get your cheeks back in your pants, ya big nasteh!
Toshiya: Big whatty?
Hyde: *sitting in the passenger’s seat* QUIT FIGHTING! She needs to concentrate!
Sarah: *still swerving*
Sakura: We’re done for.... I never knew it would end this way... I thought I’d die from, ya know, like... overdosing, or... something else drug-related...
Hyde: Sakura.
Sakura: Hyde.
Hyde: Wide open spaces... Wide open spaces, Sakura, WIDE OPEN SPACES!
Sarah: AHHHHHHHHHHH WE’RE GONNA CRASH!
Hyde: *grabs the wheel and steers them off the path of certain death*
Sarah: Ok, maybe we should pull over...
Toshiya: WEE! Toshiya wants to go again! AGAIN!
Ruki: *puts the sleeper hold on him and he passes out*
Sakura: Thanks.
Ruki: I owed you.
Sakura: Really?
Ruki: No.
Sakura: Oh. Darn.
*they pull over and Hyde gets in the driver’s seat*
Sarah: Ok. Now that we know we’re gonna live...
Hyde: WE DON’T! *drives away crazily* HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!
Ruki: WAAAAH! I want her to drive again! *sob*
Sarah: AWWW! HE’S CRYING! HOW ADORABLE!
Sakura: Yeah, how adora–
Ruki: No.
Sakura: Damn.

Meanwhile, in Car 3...

Kyo: *watches Hyde and Sarah’s car speed by* Damn... they’re gonna win...
Kaoru: Now, Kyo. This isn’t a race.
Kyo: JUST SHUT UP AND EAT YOUR CHIPS!
Kaoru: Shinya! He’s doing it again! *thinking* Hmm, Die never offers me chips... *thinking over. ...forever.*
Shinya: WHAT?! Are we under attack?! *looks around*
Kyo: DUMMY! You know not to interrupt Shinya while he’s driving or drumming...
Shinya: Yeah... wait, which one am I doing again?
jo: SHINYA!
Shinya: WHAT! Is someone smoking? *starts to climb into the backseat to kick some ass*
Kyo: SHINYA! You are driving and no one is smoking!
Shinya: Ok. *climbs back into the driver’s seat before Kaoru steers them to an untimely end*
Kyo: Here. *puts Shinya’s headphones on him*
Shinya: Thanks... Hey, were these by any chance chewed on by a cat?
Kyo: WAS YOUR MOMMA CHEWED ON BY A CAT?!
Shinya: ...Yesssss...... *bursts into tears*
Kaoru: There, there Shinya... I’m sure your late mother wouldn’t want you to be sad...
Shinya: What would she want then?
Kaoru: You to drive us safely to a vampire’s mansion.
Shinya: *sniff sniff* Ooo... Okay...
Kyo: *cranks up the volume on Shinya’s headphones*
Shinya: MY EARS! *starts to swerve all over*
Kaoru: *jumps on Shinya’s lap and takes the wheel* I’ll save us!
Kyo: Haha! I almost killed us all!
jo: I think you did kill the guy with the sock on his face.
Reita: *sleeping through it all, suddenly wakes up* IT’S NOT A SOCK!
jo: Sorry.
Reita: You better be! Now go eat your fucken salad.
jo: ... *thinking* Hmm, Kyo never offers me salad.... *not thinking. ever.*
Shinya: Uhhh.. Kaoru? You’re crushing me...
jo: OOOH JUST LIKE AT THE MOVIES!!!
Kyo: YEAH! *high five*
Kaoru: Alright, get outta the way Shinya, big momma’s comin’ through!
Shinya: ... *cries*
Kaoru: I SAID MOVE SO I CAN DRIVE!
Kyo: ...Will you drive fast so we can win the race?
Kaoru: Does a bear shit in the woods?!
Kyo: Hey, psst, Reita? Does a bear shit in the woods?
Reita: Um, to be honest I’m not really sure...
jo: YES BEARS SHIT IN THE WOODS NOW LET’S GO!
Kaoru: THAT’S MY CUE! *burns rubber whilst laughing like a maniac*
Reita: It was nice knowing you all... Oh, and can I just ask one question?
Kyo: ...
Shinya: ...
jo: What...
Reita: Who’s Gackt? *cellphone rings* Hello? ...Who?
Shinya: Who is it...
Reita: It’s him...
Kyo: H.I.M.? OMG LEMME TALK! *grabs the phone* HELLO?! What... Hey, this is just Gackt! *throws the phone out the window*
Reita: My phone! You little turkey!
jo: Man, isn’t Gackt amazing? He somehow knew that there was someone, somewhere who didn’t know who he was and he immediately tried to right the wrong. Sigh... I’m gonna marry that man...
Kyo: That’s what your mom said last night.
jo: *cries*
Reita: *trying to reach over jo to kill Kyo*
Kaoru: STOP FIGHTING! *slams on the breaks and Kyo goes flying through the windshield*
jo: MY HUSBAND!
Reita: My sanity...
Kaoru: C’mon Kyo, it’s just like when we go on tour. What do I always tell you? When you get sent out the windshield you don’t just lay there like you’re dead! GET BACK IN THE CAR!
Kyo: Yes, sir... *gets up and sulks over to the car and gets in*
jo: I think you’ve seen enough. *puts hand over the camera and now we go to car 2*

Meanwhile in Car 2...

*lots of people drinking, smoking, hanging out the windows, shooting, all with the radio turned up really loud*

Ok, now back to Car 1!

Toshiya: I have to pee!
Ruki: *slamming his head off the window* Are we there yet?
Sarah: I’m hungry...
Toshiya: TOSHIYA HAS TO PEE!
Sakura: Sakura has to pee too!
Sarah: NEED FOOD! *starts shaking Hyde violently*
Hyde: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! *slams on the breaks*
Sarah: ...
Sakura: ...
Toshiya: ...
Ruki: ... Are we–
Hyde: SHUT UP AND DRINK YOUR POP!
Ruki: ...*thinking* Hmm, Sarah never offers me pop.... *never thinks again after this*
Sarah: What?! YES I DO! HERE! POP!
Ruki: Get outta my head! LEAVE MY BRAIN ALOOONE!
Toshiya: Spongebob! HAHAAAA! *laughs like a mental patient*
Sakura: Seriously, Hyde, I know we’re driving you to drink and all but can we go? I really wanna get there and get this over with...
Sarah: C’mon Sakura, you know you wanna go to Gackt’s house...
Sakura: Well... what’s it like there?
Sarah: It’s like... some kind of dream...
Sakura: Wow! F’real f’real?!
Sarah: Nah. More like a nightmare, really.
Sakura: ...
Sarah: There’s no windows and no electric lighting! Skulls everywhere and the bathroom is the library!
Sakura: *goes to get outta the car*
Hyde: *presses the gas* Oh no ya don’t!
Sakura: ...How rude.
Hyde: SHUT UP AND EAT YOUR... uh... shorts.
Sakura: ...*thinking* Hmm, Ken never offers me shorts... *not thinking anymore, just like he’s used to*
Sarah: *looks out the window and sees Car 2 speeding by* How lovely... Die just mooned me.
Toshiya: Hey! They’re copying me! *moons them back*
Sarah: Toshiya, please! You’re encouraging Yukihiro...
Toshiya: Sorry... *sits back down* Hey look! There’s the other tards! *points out the window where everyone sees Kaoru driving like a madman while Shinya looks out the window mouthing the words “Help me”*
Sarah: Shinya! Poor little Shinya! Poor dear little Shinya! Poor dear little adorable little–
Hyde: ALRIGHT! We get it, now shut up!
Sarah: Hey! Nobody tells me to shut up without a scar to show the grandchildren! *attacks*
Hyde: GET OFF ME, WOMAN!
Sarah: *continues murdering him*
Toshiya: Yeah, get off him, woman!
Sarah: *continues murdering him*
Sakura: Hey, leave him alone, he’s tryin’ to drive!
Sarah: *continues murdering him*
Ruki: ...Get off him.
Sarah: YES SIR! *sits in her seat and looks out the window*
Sakura: Impressive.
Ruki: Yeah, you just gotta know how to work ‘er.
Sakura: I see. Hey, wanna go play Hello Kitty Roller Rescue!
Ruki: DO I EVER!
Hyde: Hey! Quit acting out past episodes!
Sakura: Aw, man...
Hyde: Don’t make me turn this car around!
Ruki: *sulk*
Hyde: Awesome! I’ve always wanted to say that.
Sarah: What? Awesome?
Hyde: No. “Don’t make me turn this car around.”
Sarah: But I wasn’t doing anything!
Hyde: No! I mean... that’s what I wanted to say.
Sarah: you wanted to say no?
Hyde: GR! I wanted to say “DON’T MAKE ME TURN THIS CAR AROUND” !!!!!
Sarah: Oh. I see.

*suddenly you tire of mindless banter about turning cars around and decide to fast forward to the part where they arrive at Gackt’s house later that evening.*

We see Car 1 pulling up Gackt’s mile-long driveway...

Sarah: Uh, are you sure this is the driveway...
Hyde: Yup. We used MapQuest, remember?
Reita: You can get directions to Gackt’s house on MapQuest...?
Hyde: No, I lied. I just keep a copy of directions to his house in my purse.
Reita: You carry a purse...?
Hyde: No, I lied, I keep ‘em in my underwear.
Reita: You wear underwear...?
Hyde: Well... no, actually... I don’t.
Reita: Oh.
Sarah: Someone wake up Toshiya and tell him we’re here.
Ruki: NO! Don’t wake him up, we can just leave him in the car...
Sarah: Oh, but he’s so cuuuute...
Ruki: ... Yeah, he is cute isn’t he...
Sakura: No.
Hyde: Haha! Good one, Sakura.
Sakura: Gimme some skin brotha! *high five*
Sarah: Ok, I think I’ll walk the rest of the way... *gets out of the car and starts walking... uh, they weren’t going too fast...*
Sakura: Alright! She’s gone!
Ruki: PARTY TIME!
Toshiya: *wakes up* YEAH PARTY TIME! WOOHOO!
Hyde: Oh, damn...

*a while later they pull up to two giant, black, iron gates and Hyde stops in front of them*

Toshiya: RAM ‘EM!
Ruki: SLEEP! *sleeper hold*
Toshiya: *out cold*
Sakura: Phew. Close one.
Ruki: Yeah.
Hyde: *gets out*
Sakura: Hey, where ya goin’? *follows*
Hyde: *walks up to the gates and there’s one of those intercom-y thingies so he presses the button*
Gackt: Yo!
Hyde: Gackt! Let us in you big lump of weird.
Unidentified voice: ACCESS DENIED!
Gackt’s voice: Stop it, LeeHom!
Sakura: Hey, who’s there?
Gackt: Who’s this?
Sakura: Who’s this?
Gackt: WHO’S YOUR DADDY–
Hyde: STOP! Just let us in, Gackt. I’d hate to ruin your nice gothic-y gates.
Gackt: Ooooh, someone’s on their time of the month... Fine. *gates open* Park outside the garage, too, or I’ll have your head on a silver platter.
Hyde: *mutters something about someone’s mom as he gets back in the car. They drive up to the garage to find the other two cars already there*
Sakura: *gets out* Damn! They got here before us!
Ruki: That’s weird, I never saw ‘em pass us.
Toshiya: Yeah, well maybe you were too busy being a jerk and... and putting people out of their misery!
Ruki: Oooh, not you again...
Toshiya *storms into the house in a girly rage*
Hyde: Well, let’s get in there. Looks like it might snow.
Sakura: Of course it will! Always with the weather and whatnot!
Ruki: Hey, look guys! *has his nose pressed to the window of one of the cars*
Sakura: *walks over and looks in to see Die, Miyavi, Yukihiro, Ken, and Tetsu, passed out all over each other* Hey, wouldja look at that... At least someone had fun.
Hyde: I don’t wanna see... *heads for the house*
Sakura: Wait for us! *follows with Ruki*

Meanwhile, inside the house...

Toshiya: *everyone is fawning all over him* And then... and then... HE PUT THE SLEEPER HOLD ON ME!
Mana: Again? You poor child... *hugs him*
Toshiya: *being suffocated slowly. But surely*
jo: It’s ok, Toshiya. We’ll beat ‘em up when they get here. Then all will be wonderful again.
Wang: Yeah. You know what I always say - violence solves everything!
Gackt: Right on, my gothic brotha, right on!
Hyde: *comes in the door*
Gackt + jo + Wang: HYDE-Y WYDE-Y! *run over and glomp glomp glomp like there ain’t no tomorrow. And the way things are goin’ there probably ain’t.*
Hyde: PLEASE! My lord, am I not allowed to breathe?!
Toshiya: Not after the way you treated me! *picks up the coat rack and knocks him out with it*
Gackt: Toshiya!
Toshiya: Sorry...
Gackt: That thing was expensive... Jeez... *snatches it from him*
Wang: What did I say about violence?! I told you guys.
Mana: *bats eyelashes in morse code that translates to: I wonder who was riding with Hyde? Why aren’t they with him?*
Kaoru: Well, maybe if Toshiya wasn’t so free with his coat-racks...
Kyo: *comes out of the kitchen* I just ate all your food, Wackt.
Gackt: It’s Gackt...
Kyo: Right, whatever.

*knock on the door*

jo: I’LL GET IT!
Kyo: NO ME! *both race to the door*
jo: *pushes Kyo into the closet and opens the door* Oh! Look at this! It’s the last place gang!
Ruki: *glare*
jo: Come in!
Ruki: *walks in and pushes her in the closet*
jo: Yay! I’m in the closet with Kyo! *closes the door*
Sakura: *follows Ruki in, closing the door behind him* Hey! I was lied to. The lights are on.
Gackt: Yes... I thought I’d put them on since I was having so many people over who are... you know, creatures of the day and all.
Sakura: Riiight...
Gackt: And as you can see, it’s taking it’s toll on me.
Sakura: ...
Gackt: I’m melting.
Sakura: ...
Gackt: ... *makes little pssssssing sounds*
Sakura: ...
Wang: So where’s everybody else?
Mana: *bats eyelashes and shrugs*
Ruki: Define... “everyone else”.
Wang: Uhh... you know. All those people. You know. The people... ?
Sakura: Not ringing any bells. Soooo Gackt! Show me your skulls!
Gackt: OH BOY! You wanna see my collection Sakura?!
Sakura: Sure.
Gackt: *squeel* YAY! *drags him off to some other room*
Shinya: *emerges from a dark hallway* Um... I can’t find the ladies room...
Kaoru: Shinya...
Shinya: Yes, Kaoru?
Kaoru: We had this talk the other day...
Shinya: ...
Kaoru: You are a man Shinya...
Shinya: Uh huh...
Toshiya: Come on, Shinya, I’ll show you where the bathroom is! *skips off, arm-in-arm with Shinya*
Wang: Wow, who’s that crazy?
jo: *from inside the closet* WE DON’T KNOW HIM!
Kyo: *also from inside the closet* What she said!
Wang: He’s never been here before... How’s he gonna show that girl where the bathroom is...?
Kaoru: It’s a guy, and he’s not. He’ll probably lead him out a second-story window or something.
Wang: And... you’re just gonna let him do it?
Kaoru: We can’t control Toshiya. Believe me, we’ve tried.
Wang: ...Oh. Ok. *shrug*
Kaoru: Now let’s get drunk!
Die: *bursts in the door with the rest of his car* LET’S DO!

*insane partying ensues*

OK! That’s enough for one episode. And one day. So let’s recap: Sarah is lost somewhere in the woods and since the only person who would care/notice that she’s gone is in a closet, no one has said anything yet. And I don’t really have any suspense-intensifying questions to ask... I guess I could give it a go.. Umm... What will Toshiya do to Shinya...? Where in hell is Sarah? Why does Gackt have the lights on?! Since when does he have electric lighting anyway?!?! And... WHO LET THE CHINESE GUY IN?!?!?!?! Sorry Sarah I know you wanted to say that but I just couldn’t resist... Um, you can still say it. Eventually. Soooo yeah. Don’t touch that dial. Really, don’t. I sprinkled rat poison on it.

[the end! for now! yay!]

[tbc you dummehs]