I bet you wish I’d finish the second part of the last episode, huh? DONCHA?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAAAAAAA!!!! Ok there was no particular reason for any of that. But, yeah... as one can plainly see, it’s no longer September or October 2005. It’s a whole new year now. And I’ll be damned if I’m gonna keep going with that utter insanity that was the last episode. It’s time for NEW utter insanity. Let’s just assume that Mana ate everyone and now we live happily ever after in an parallel dimension that IS EXACTLY LIKE THE ONE WE LIVED IN BEFORE! DEAR GOD, I’M A GENIUS!!!!!

And now, jo-land Productions presents: Episode 31 of Backstage Pass. Mm mm good.

Ken: *dancing around the house* Almost time for my favorite show!
Yuki: Sailor Moon?
Ken: SHHHH! *covers Yukihiro’s mouth with his hand* Don’t say that so loud, you moron!
Yuki: *rips his hand off his mouth and squirms away* I need an adult!!!
Kaoru: I’m one of those! *moonwalks into the room*
Yuki: ...
Ken: ...
Yuki: A ROBERT A ROBERT THERE’S A ROBERT IN THE HOUSE!
Kaoru: Shut up! And anyway, I’m a robbER, not a robeRT.
Yuki: ...A ROBERT A ROBERT A–
Ken: *smacks Yukihiro and he shuts up*
Kaoru: Impressive.
Ken: Yeah, you just gotta know how to work ‘im.
Kaoru: I see. Hey, wanna go play Hello Kitty Roller Rescue?!
Ken: DO I EVER!
Kaoru: OMG LET’S GO!

*both run off leaving Yukihiro dazed and confused, as usual*

Yuki: ... HOW COME KEN MAKES ALL THE FRIENDS!!! WAAAAAAH! *bursts into tears*
Tetsu: *walks up to him and holds up a mirror*
Yuki: Oh.
Tetsu: *pats him on the back sympathetically*
Yuki: Darn...
Tetsu: *starts to walk away*
Yuki: ... *tackles him* YOU LITTLE PUNK!
Tetsu: AAAH! HELP! I NEED AN ADULT!!!
Yuki: That’s my line, you sunofa–
Gackt: *comes in pretending to fly and wearing a Superman outfit* What’s the matter, little boy?
Tetsu: Oh my Gackt....
Yuki: SUPERMAN! I knew you’d come to rescue me!
Gackt: Yeah right, I’m here to rescue him. *grabs Tetsu and “flies” away*
Tetsu: *waves bye to Yukihiro*
Yuki: ...WHY DOES TETSU ALWAYS GET SAVED BY SUPERMAN!!! WAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!! *bursts into tears...again*
Hyde: BECAUSE YOU TOUCH YOURSELF AT NIGHT!
Yuki: I–what?
Hyde: Nuffink.
Yuki: Oooo...kay... Uh, so, Hyde! You’ll play with me, right?
Hyde: ...
Yuki: C’mon! ‘Member me and you used to have fun together? Back in the day....
Hyde: Uhhh... lemme think.... I don’t, uh, know if I recall anything like that..... ummmm.... yeah, no... I don’t... I don’t think that you and I were... ever... friends.... Yukihiro. Nope. Not ringin’ any bells.
Yuki: ...
Hyde: Sorry! *pats him on the back and runs outta the room*
Yuki: ...WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!
Hyde: *pops back in the room* Oh yeah, and I just wanna let you know that I can turn pain into pleasure. *leaves*
Yuki: What the fuck... *shakes his head* Sigh. Why doesn’t anyone like me? And why do we always express our actions by saying the verb instead of doing it? Sigh.
jo: That would be my fault.
Yuki: Where’d you come from?
jo: *looks somberly off to the side with narrowed eyes as the wind mysteriously begins to blow* Everywhere and nowhere....
Kyo: *walks by the wind machine* Hmmm... *eats it* YUMMEH!
jo: Dammit, Kyo! *tackles him*
Kyo: My spleen!
Yuki: *goes over and tries to join the dogpile*
Kyo: AH! GET IT OFF ME! *runs away*
jo: SAFETY BALL! *curls up into her safety-ball*
Yuki: WHY DOES EVERYONE HAAAAAATE MEEEEEE?!?!?!?!!?!? *looks to the sky* WHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYY?!?!?!??!!
jo: Well! *stands up* Sounds to me like you’re gothic, Yukihiro!
Yuki: Gothlic? Wachu talkin’ bout, Fry?
jo: Ok. Let’s try this one more time. Me jo! You Yukihiro!
Yuki: ...
jo: Ok sorry. Well, here. Take this. *hands him a book and disappears*
Yuki: *reads the cover title* How to be Gothic for Dummies... *opens it and begins reading the first page* Are you alone in this dank, dark abyss of a world? Do you have no friends? Do you.................CUT YOURSELF??!?!~~1111?!! Do you die a little bit inside with each beat of your sorrow-engorged heart which is LIKE SO COOL because it’s a complete and total paradox that is utterly awesome because DUH YOU’RE HEART BEATING IS WHAT KEEPS YOU ALIVE NOT KILLS YOU AAAAAAAAHHHHHHGREENDAYBLACKFINGERNAILSANDNEONEYESHADOWILOVEMYCHEMICALROMANCEMYGIRLFREINDDUMPEDMESOIWENTINTHEBATHROOMANDSLITMYWRISTSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSFORTHREEHOURSSSSSSSS???????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Sarah: ...
Yuki: *hurries up and throws the book out the window before she sees it*
Sarah: ...I was gonna ask if you’d seen Shinya, but... I can see that you’re busy having an episode...
Yuki: Yes. Yes, I am busy. Having an episode.
Sarah: Ok... *whispers to herself* Just back away slowly, Sarah.... back away slowly...
Yuki: I was just practicing my singing.
Sarah: Keep workin’ on it, buddy... I have to go erase my memory now, bye!
Yuki: Damn. *goes over to the window and looks out* Curse this 17-story mansion we live in!
jo: Well what did you want me to do! Now that every j-rocker in the free world lives here! I mean! HELLO!
Yuki: GOODBYE!
jo: *disappears*
Yuki: And don’t REappear! Hmph. Now I have to go down there and look like an ass in front of everyone... Dammit....

Meanwhile, down in the COURTYARD! WE HAVE A COURTYARD HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa......................... Phew. Yeah. Everyone else is down here chillin’. Ooooh let’s make it by the pool! Yeah, everyone’s down here chillin’ IN or BY the pool. Now that’s how it’s done son!

Miyavi: *laying in a beach chair by the pool while Toshiya paints his toe nails* That’s right slave.... keep going. *sips his drink*
Die: *in the pool, comes out from under the water and spits water all over Toshiya and Miyavi*
Toshiya: *starts melting*
Miyavi: MY TOES! They’re ruined! YOU STUPID NEANDERTHAL!
Die: Oh, gimme a break. Who paints their toe nails black, anyway?
Kyo: *pokes his head out the window* Gothic people.
Die: Yup.
Miyavi: Oh yeah, and I’m just soooooooooo gothic....
Kyo: Yup.
Miyavi: !!!! Don’t tell me you really think I’m gothic!
Die: Yup.
Miyavi: Oh my gosh!
Gackt: *walks out naked* That’s Gackt, actually. *gets in the pool...naked*
Kyo: Yup.
Miyavi: ...Whatever. *sits back down and looks sarcastically toward the sky* Lord, if I’m gothic, give me a sign! *is suddenly whapped on the head by a large black and yellow book and knocked out cold*
Kyo: ! *starts laughing so hard he falls out the window and lays in the flowers cracking up*
Die: *gets out of the pool and walks over to see what it was* What the hell...
Toshiya: *unmelts* A PRESENT FOR TOSHIYA! YAY! *grabs it*
Die: *snatches it from him* Gimme that you stupid little fuck... *looks at it*
Toshiya: Hey bitch! I’m taller than you! *knocks him in the pool and runs inside*
Gackt: *the book floats over to him and he grabs it* Hmmm... ‘How to be Gothic for Dummies’. Interesting. *throws it in the weeds*
Die: *comes above water gasping for air* Hey dummeh! *gets out of the pool and runs into the bushes to get it*
Gackt: Um, you forgot your trunks, honey.
Kyo: *sits up* HAHAHA! DIE’S NAKED! OOOOOOOOH LORD! *lays back down in a fit of laughter*
Die: Oh well, it’s not like you haven’t seen it before, Kyo.
Gackt: Well I haven’t, could you turn just a little, yeah there we go... *snaps a picture*
Die: *dives back into the water to kill Gackt*
Kyo: *stops laughing, sits up, looks around to see if anyone’s watching, then enjoys the show of two naked guys fighting in the pool.* Heehehheee....
Yuki: *walks outside slowly, looking around* Um.... *no one notices him* Uh... *observes the situation - Miyavi knocked out cold, two naked guys fighting over a camera, Kyo doing.... something... in the flowers.... and.... the book peeking out from the weeds in the distance* Great, looks like everybody’s distracted! *is about to head over and grab the book but dives behind a chair when someone comes outside*
Toshiya: *comes out to the pool riding Tetsu* Woah, boy! *pulls on the reigns and Tetsu stops* That’s him! *points at Die* That’s the one who DONE IT!
Kaoru: *appears* Whodunnit?
Toshiya: Hedunnit!
Kaoru: Who?
Toshiya: Diedunnit!
Kaoru: Let’s get ‘im! *snaps his fingers and Tetsu jumps into the pool to attack him, then Hyde, Ken, Sakura, Shinya, and Ruki jump in too, all frothing at the mouth. Oh yeah and they trampled Yukihiro so he’s like dead or something now.*
Die: AHHHHH! *jumps out of the pool naked and runs around the house, five crazed weirdos hot on his trail*
Kaoru: Woohoo!
Toshiya: Let’s go swimming! NAKED!
Kaoru: Don’t mind if I do! *both jump in the pool naked*
Gackt: *almost drowning*
Mana: *appears standing on the water next to where he’s almost drowning* Hmm...
Gackt: Save me Mana! Quick! GLUG GLUG!
Mana: *kneels down* Well... it says ALMOST drowning.
Gackt: ...
Mana: Almost...
Gackt: *DROWNING*
Mana: That’s my cue! *uses his Mana-powers to save him and sets him down beside the pool*
Gackt: Phew. Thanks, Mana.
Mana: *bows girlyishly* Just doin’ my job, ma’am.
Gackt: NO. BAD MANA! NEVER SAY ANYTHING LIKE THAT AGAIN! *gets out the sex whip and starts chasing him around the pool, with Die and his angry mob running by occasionally*
Kyo: *still sitting in the flowers* This is the life...
jo: *leans out the window above Kyo* Shrinky-dink!!!!
Kyo: *looks up*
jo: Whacha doin’?
Kyo: Watching a live action porn.
jo: Oooh... they don’t make ‘em like they used to, though...
Kyo: I beg to differ.
jo: *looks up to see Gackt, NAKED, chasing Mana around with a sex whip, Yukihiro and Miyavi lying lifeless around the pool area while Kaoru and Toshiya swim around NAKED, and Die running by, NAKED, with a bunch of hot guys chasing him* I’ll get the popcorn! *hurries back inside*
Die: *suddenly runs towards Kyo* KYO! SAVE ME!
Kyo: EEK! *scrambles in the window and shuts it, leaving Die to smack his face right off it, knocking himself out.* Another one bites the dust. *Watches as Shinya, Sakura, Tetsu, Hyde, Ken, and Ruki “eat” him alive.*
jo: Well I thought we just cleaned the house yesterday... *turns around and sees Die sliding down the window* NOOO! His beautiful face!
Kyo: Hey! I thought you said I had a beautiful face!
jo: No, you’re the one who wants to be ugly, remember?
Kyo: Oh... sure...
jo: Well, we should really go out there and save the poor guy. *passes the popcorn*
Kyo: Nah, he’s used to 5 guys.
jo: ...
Kyo: I mean, at LEAST five. You know how it goes.
jo: No I don’t... But I wish I did...
Kyo: Well let me help you with that. *opens the window and tries to push her out*
jo: ... *doesn’t move*
Kyo: Damn.
jo: Does it really suck that bad to only weigh 94 pounds...?
Kyo: YES! *sulk*
jo: Here, if it makes you feel any better I only weigh... 31 pounds more than you.
Kyo: ...
jo: Yeah, I guess you’re 30 and I’m 17. And I’m a girl.
Kyo: ...30...
jo: But seriously, Kyo! You don’t look a day over... um, 12.
Kyo: Really?
jo: Well if you wanna know the truth I have no idea how old you look. You’re like Gackt - I mean, you don’t even look human, really.
Kyo: THAT IS THE NICEST THING ANYONE’S EVER SAID TO ME!
jo: Yaaaay! BODY SLAM!
Sarah: *enters the kitchen* WHERE’S RUKI! And Shinya and Die. I want them aaaaaaaaallllllllllll!
jo: *points out the window*
Sarah: Thanks. And I think you’re killing Kyo.
Kyo: *being mooshed*
jo: Ooooops. *gets up*
Sarah: *steps outside, takes a look around, then closes the door* ...
jo: Whatsamatter? Ain’t chu never seen a party before?
Sarah: Uhh.... What did I come out here for again?
Kyo: THIS! *throws a bowl of popcorn at her head*
Sarah: OW FUCKER!
Kyo: Hahahahahahahahahaa funny.
Sarah: Kyo, you’re not supposed to laugh. You’re not even supposed to talk.
Kyo: Nah, that’s just my Concert DVD personality.
Sarah: Oh.
Yukihiro: *smacks off the glass sliding doors*
Sarah: EEK!
Kyo: Let him in, hurry!
Sarah: *opens the door and Yukihiro falls in*
Yuki: ...It’s a disaster area out there... *sits up* I got trampled when I went out to get my gothic book.
Kyo: HA-HA YOU’RE GOTHIC!
jo: So, you’re going to follow the path of the goth, eh Yukihiro? *wind suddenly begins to blow her hair again, but no one else’s*
Yuki: Uh... sure. Well, I was, until I threw the book out the window, killing Miyavi and starting this whole mess.
Kyo: What whole mess? *looking out the window WITH HIS HAND DOWN HIS PANTS haha just kidding*
Yuki: HELLO! Look outside! Or are you too short to reach the window?
jo: *grabs Kyo before he has time to attack* Well, whatever. They can do whatever they want out there. We’ll start our own party! *struggling to hold Kyo back* Just the four of us! The dream team! Sarah, jo, Yukihiro and Kyo! Doesn’t it sound just delicious?
Yuki: No.
jo: Darn.
Sarah: *goes and looks out the window* NO WANG LEE HOM! You let them get Die?! *opens the window and pulls him in* Oh joyous day, he’s naked!
jo: Yay! *let’s go of Kyo and starts dancing around with Sarah*
Kyo: *drags Yukihiro into the next room*
Sarah: *dancing around singing* Die’s naked on our kitchen floor! Die’s naked on our kitchen floor!
jo: It’s like some kind of wonderful dream!
Die: *wakes up* ...
Sarah: IT MOVED!
jo: ...
Die: ...
Sarah: dot dot dot
jo: DIE IS ALIVE! YAAAAY!
Sarah: We saved him!
Die: Uhh... where am I?
jo: In the kitchen, silly.
Die: Who in the fuck are you two?
Sarah: Uh...
Kaoru: *busts in the door with Toshiya...both naked. Still.* It’s gettin’ crazy out there, who wants to come join the party?!
Die: Who’s he? Who are any of you people? What’s going on? Where am I.... WHO AM I?!?!?!!
Kaoru: Ha-ha, funny. Now come on, come back out and have fun with us, Die! We’re bustin’ out the booze!
Die: I SUDDENLY REMEMBER WHO I AM! *runs back outside...still naked*
Toshiya: YAY FOR BOOZE! *slaps his armpits*
Sarah: Ok. Anywaaaay.....
Kyo: *staggers back into the kitchen, wiping the blood off his mouth*
jo: Hey, did you eat Yukihiro?
Sarah: Kyo, are you allowed?!
Kyo: Yeah.
jo: *rolls up a newpaper*
Kyo: *runs outside whimpering with his tail between his legs*
jo: Hey! Come back! You’ll be eaten alive out there!
Sarah: *follows jo as she chases him out the door...which suddenly closes behind them and mysteriously locks *
Kyo: *dives in the pool*
jo: Aw, come on, Kyo... you could at least get naked like everyone else...
Sarah: Uhhh... *trying to open the door* ...we’re all locked out.
Everyone: *stops* ... WA-HOO!!! *continue partying*
jo: Oh well! *jumps in the pool*
Sarah: Sigh.... *shrugs and joins the party*

HAHAHA THE END!

Well, how was that for a comeback... and I say that because I haven’t written in forever. Anyway, I bet you thought it was gonna be about Yukihiro turning gothic, huh? NOOOOOOPE. It coulda been, I suppose, but. This is just how things happened. And with all the naked people that were involved, how can you say it turned out bad? Exactly. You can’t. Well, you know the drill - tune in next time for another perverted porno-esque episode of Bpassssssssss!!!! SSSSSssssss I’m a snake!

...

Wang LeeHom: *skulking around in the bushes* ... *picks up the book* Hmm... goth for dummies, eh? Well well well! *looks around to make sure no ones watching and shoves it under his shirt then returns to the forest*

THE END! Again.