At last I house enough boredom and insanity to write another episode of Bpaaaaaaaaass! Yeeeeeeesss! Well. I don’t know what you’ve been hearing, but... this episode is not Gackt’s Birthday. It’s not about everyone getting lost in a haunted house. And it sure as hell isn’t a porno. I say we go with the original idea, which would be the... a million guest stars thing. And since I’M the director, and not YOU, what I say goes! Although, I’ve clarified that in the past, so I won’t bore you with it anymore. Now, on with the show!

Yuki: Ken, I borrowed these pants from Tetsu.. Do they make my butt look big?
Ken: No, you just have a really huge ass.
Yuki: *runs away crying*
Gackt: *enter stage left* What did you do to him?
Ken: Nothing! He just can’t handle the truth.
Gackt: Can you handle the truth, Ken?
Ken: Umm... yeah...?
Gackt: *flashes him*
Ken: MY EYES!

Take two, you morons...

Gackt: What did you do to him?
Ken: Nothing! He just can’t handle the truth.
Gackt: Yukihiro does not have a huge ass... he’s like anorexic or something.
Ken: No way, he’s always eating junk food.
Gackt: YOUR MOM’S ALWAYS EATING JUNK FOOD!
Ken: She is?! WHERE?! *looks around*
Gackt: *smacks him in the back of the head*
Ken: Ow! What was that for!
Gackt: For bein’ a idiot!
Ken: Ok!
jo: *comes in the room* Hey yins! Did I say you could pretend to be on The Amanda Show?!
Gackt: ...
Ken: What are yins... Can I have some? I’m hungry.
jo: Ken.
Ken: Yeeeeeeeeeezzz’m?
jo: Sleep. *smacks him in the forehead and he collapses*
Gackt: ...
jo: Now we can be alone, my dear!
Tetsu+Hyde: *run into the room*
Hyde: YUKIHIRO! THE ROOF! THE GROUND!
Tetsu: ... *passes out*
Hyde: YUKIHIRO! JUMP! DIE!
Gackt: *points to Hyde* ...It’s... It’s trying to communicate with us!
Hyde: Yeah it is! *kicks Gackt in the shin*
Gackt: OW! *falls over in pain*
Hyde: Yukihiro just jumped off the roof.
jo: WHA- WHA- WHAAAAAAAAAT?!????
Hyde: I said, Yukihiro just jumped off the roof.
jo: I heard you the first time, stupid.
Hyde: Well you were all like WHA WHA WHA WHA WHA–
jo: Ok, so he’s dead then? *mumble mumble* heheh... 1 down, 5 to go....
Tetsu: No, he’s not dead yet!
Hyde: I SAID SHUT UP BITCH, AND GET ON THE FLOOR!
Tetsu: YES M’AM!
jo: So, if he’s not dead.... then why are you telling me?
Tetsu: He was.... WEARING MY PAAAAANNNTTTSSS!! WAAAAAH!!!
Hyde: I SAID SHUT UP YOU LITTLE-
jo: HYDE! Calm yourself! ...Since when are you so violent?!
Yuki: *runs in* HE WAS PLAYING VIOLENT VIDEO GAMES! I SAW HIM!
jo: Hey, why aren’t you dead?
Yuki: I was wearing magic pants!
Tetsu: *sob*
Yuki: Well, they have a 69 on ‘em! How could I resist borrowing them?
jo: Woooah woooah woooah, back it up there buddy-
Yuki: Ok! *stars dancing*
jo: OMG NO STOP PLZ
Yuki: Sorry.
Hyde: Hmm... deja vu.
jo: Yeah.
Tetsu: Uh-huh..
Gackt: Yup.
Sakura: *appears*
jo: *shoots him with a tranquilizer gun and he falls over*
Gackt: Ok, and what was the point of that?
jo: Well I knew he was gonna say ‘Tru dat,’ so I figured I’d just spare us all the embarrassment...
Gackt: Oh, yeah. Good idea.
jo: Ok, so anyway... um, what were we talking about again?
Hyde: I... don’t know.
Yuki: Oh well, let’s just party! *starts to dance again*
jo: *shoots him with the tranquilizer gun* Good thing I bought this yesterday.
Hyde: ...
Kyo: *jumps in the window* DID SOMEONE SAY VIDEO GAMES?!
Tetsu: Yeah, that’s what we were talkin’ about, but you’re a little late there– OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT THING?!
jo: KYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Gackt: Awww, it’s so cute, I wanna feed it a treat! *goes out to the kitchen and gets some dog treats* Here ya go, little buddy! Awww, you’re just a little cutie, huh?
Kyo: *grabs the tranqulizer gun and shoots Gackt* ...
jo: ...
Hyde: Well, if we’re done here, I have to go roll myself a fatty and–
jo: THERE WILL BE NO FATTIES ROLLED IN THIS HOUSE!
Sakura: *wakes up* YES THERE WILL!
Ken: *wakes up* DRUGS?! WHERE!
Yuki: *wakes up* DID SOMEBODY SAY......... PARTY?!
Kyo: No.
Yuki: Wow, who the hell is this?
jo: It’s your momma.
Yuki: Mom... you’ve changed! Give me a piggy back ride! *jumps on Kyo*
Kyo: JESUS CHRIST I ONLY WEIGH 90 POUNDS!!!! *grabs Yukihiro by the back of the neck and slams his head through the wall*
jo: Another day, another hole in the way caused by Yukihiro’s humongous head.
Yuki: MOM! How could you?!
Kyo: ...
jo: ...
Kyo: ...*bursts into tears*
Gackt: *wakes up* DON’T CRY LITTLE PUPPY DOG! *goes over to Kyo*
Kyo: *throws Gackt through the wall*
jo: Another day, another hole in the wall caused by Gackt’s retardation.
Hyde: Can you get that little mother fucker to stop ruining the house?!
Kyo: Hey, you’re no bigger, farkface.
Hyde: No, but at least... I WEIGH MORE!
Kyo: *uses the tranquilizer gun on him*
jo: Ok I’ll be taking that... *reaches for it*
Kyo: *unearthly growl*
jo: Ok no I won’t...
Sarah: *bursts through the front door and runs into the room* I’M HERE!
jo: So am I!
Yuki: So is my mom!
Sarah: Really? Where? OH MY SEX YOUR MOM IS KYO! Well, isn’t that bizarre.
Yuki: Yeah, my mom is a little bizarre, isn’t she?
Kyo: How many times do I have to break drywall with your head before you understand that I am NOT YOUR MOM–
Sarah: Awww, he thinks he can beat Yukihiro up! How cute!
Yuki: Yeah, how cu–
Kyo: *tranquilizer gun*
Yuki: Not... again... *falls over* Hey... I’m immune now!!! Hahahahaa, in your face short shit!
Kyo: *smacks him in the head with it*
Yuki: *out cold*
Sarah: Ok, so can someone explain why Kyo is in our house beating everyone up?
jo: He’s cute enough to get away with it? I MEAN– UGLY! HE’S SOOO UGLY!
Kyo: *glare*
jo: Yay! Kyo is glaring at me!
Sarah: ...ANYWAY!
jo: Wait a minute. *stops time and awakens everyone who got tranquilizered* There. *takes the gun from Kyo and puts it in the fridge* Perfection. *starts time again*
Kyo: Wait a minute - what? HEY! Where’s my new toy?!
jo: Don’t worry little Kyo, I’ll get you a better–
Kyo: *starts eating inanimate objects*
jo: NOOOOOOOO! *grabs him and puts him in the closet* Ok. We’ll deal with him later.
Gackt: ...
Hyde: ...
Tetsu: ...
Ken: ...
Yuki: ...
Sakura: ...Where am I?
Sarah: Disneyland.
Sakura: Oh, yay!!!!
Gackt: Really?!?!? C’mon Sakura, let’s go get our picture taken with Snow White! *both skip out the door*
Hyde: ...
G & S: *both come running back in* AHHH! SNOW WHITE IS SATAN!
Kaoru: *comes walking in*
Sarah: Hey... I thought I took the garbage *out* this morning!
Ken: It’s aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive! *passes out*
Sakura: Save me! Snow white turned into an ugly guy!
Kyo: Hi Kaoru.
Kaoru: Hi Kyo.
Sarah: Hi Sarah.
Sarah: Hi.
jo: Oh my God no. Stop.
Sarah: Sorry.
jo: Kyo... How’d you get out of the closet... Ok, whatever. Well! If Kaoru’s here then that means Toshiya, Shinya, and Die are somewhere nearby! Go get ‘em, Kaoru. This calls for a sexy party.
Kaoru: ...
jo: I SAID NOOOOW!
Kaoru: STOP ABUSING MEEEEEE!!!
Toshiya: *materializes* TOSHIYA IS HERE!
Sarah: The party has arrived!
Sakura: Damn it, that’s my line...
Shinya: *walks in like an alien*
Sarah: SHINYA!
Kyo: Shinya, what did I tell you about having alien hands...
Shinya: Sorry. *stands normal*
Toshiya: *throws Shinya on the ground and runs away laughing like a tard*
Shinya: *paralyzed with fear*
Kaoru: God, he’s annoying.
Gackt: Do you ever just feel like... taking him to the store and telling him to go in and get something, then catching the next flight to another country?
Kyo: We’ve done it.
Gackt: ...
Sarah: HEY! Where’s Die! I want DIE!
Die: *walks in like he’s the shiznits*
Sarah: DIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!
Hyde: I’m lost.
jo: There’s only one thing to do, then!
Hyde: And what would that be?
Sarah: Let me guess: it involves Gackt. Naked.
jo: No! Not necessarily...
Sarah: Oh, I’m impressed.
jo: We pit Hyde and Kyo in a fight to the death!
Kyo: What!
Hyde: That’s hardly fair...
Kyo: Yeah, I’ll rip him to pieces!
Hyde: You–what?! Like I’m gonna get beat up by a 90-pound little wierdo! I’m not fighting him. You can’t make me do it.
jo: But you forget... I can.
Samantha: WAIT! I have a better idea.
Yuki: And do I dare ask who this little whore is?
Sam: Ok where’s that tranquilizer gun-
jo: I SAID ENOUGH WITH THE TRANQUILIZER GUN BITCHES.
Kyo: It’s in the fridge.
Sam: Yay! *runs out to the kitchen to get it and gets lost on the way*
Sarah: Uhh... where did she come from–
jo: WE DON’T KNOW HER!
Die: Sure.
Sarah: We don’t.
Kaoru: Uh huh.
Sarah: We don’t...
Kyo: Yeah...
Sarah: I SAID WE DON’T MOTHER FUCKERS
Shinya: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *dives out the window*
Sarah: SHINYA! *dives out the window after him...*
jo: ANYHOOT!
Gackt: Hey, I wanna go meet Mickey Mouse!
Sakura: Me too!
Kyo: Shut up, this isn’t Disneyland.
Gackt: Yes it is! And you’re my puppy dog. *hugs Kyo*
Kyo: *is cute*
Gackt: AW!
Kaoru: Ha ha! Kyo’s getting hugged by some weird pop singer!
Gackt: WHAT! *dives out the same window*
Sakura: I’m coming, Gackt! *dives out the window with him*
jo: Oh lord almighty...
Die: Yes? You rang?
Kyo: Shut up, I’m the lord almighty!
Die: Oh yeah?! Well I bet you can’t do this–
Kyo: *punches him in the face before he can even do anything* I can.
Die: You little....
Kyo: ...
Die: You cute adorable little cute thing, you! You’re just the cutest damn thing since sliced bread! You’re so cute–
Kyo: ROAAAAR! *uses his Kyo superpowers to try and put Die to sleep*
Die: Haha! I’m immune–
jo: Ok, I’m bored. You can all shut up now.
Kyo: ...
Die: ...
Toshiya: I’m back from the store!
jo: ...
Tetsu: Um, excuse me, but I was just wondering when I’d... be able to... you know, talk...?
Yuki: Me too.
Ken: Me too.
Hyde: WHEN I SAY YOU CAN! br>Kaoru: That’s one angry midget.
Kyo: Hey! I’m the angriest midget in town!
jo: You can fight over who’s the angriest midget later you tards! Right now we should really go look for Samantha because she got lost in our huge mansion and someone should definitely go check on those four morons who just dove out a second story window.
Tetsu: Oh! Pick me! Me me me!
Toshiya: NO ME! I’M A LITTLE TALLER!
Tetsu: Darn!
jo: Ok, me... Kyo, huahuahua, Hyde, hahahaa, Toshiya, annnd... Tetsu, will all go and find Sam.
Hyde: But why...
jo: Because. I want constant self-, sister-, and friend-insertion. Ya hear?
Hyde: Yes ma’am...
jo: Good. So... Ken, Yukihiro, Die and Kaoru will go get Shinya and Sarah and Sakura and Gackt. Now how do you spell kapeesh?
Kaoru: Coppice.
jo: Wow. Really?
Kaoru: Yup.
Kyo: Kaoru’s a genius...
Toshiya: Just like me!
Kyo: Right...
Toshiya: *glow*
jo: Ok! Move out, troops!

*yaaaaay time for the part where everyone goes off in their own little groups!!! let’s watch the reject group first: Ken, Yukihiro, Die and Kaoru on their way to find some other rejects!*
Yuki: We’re off the see the wizard! The wonderful Wizard of Oz! Because because because because becaaaaauuuusssse-
Ken: -Yukihiro is an idiot!
Yuki: That’s not why...
Ken: Sure it is.
Kaoru: SHUT UP! I’m trying to concentrate... Jesus...
Die: What?! MAN, why do people keep calling for me...
Kaoru: Don’t trip, stupid! *trips him*
Die: *falls on his face* DAMN YOU!
Kaoru: Wacha gon’ do about it, foo’?!
Die: You’re only mad because you’re the ugly one. *storms off ahead of the group*
Ken: *whispers to Yukihiro* Wow, Dir en Grey is way scarier in person...
Yuki: Yeah, especially this freak! *runs up to Kaoru and points at him* I mean, look at that face! How’d it ever get famous, huh Ken?
Kaoru: ...
Ken: Please forgive him. He hasn’t taken his medication in days...
Kaoru: I’LL FORGIVE HIM WHEN HE’S IN PIECES ON THE GROUND!
Die: OMG TAG-TEAM TIME! *runs over and helps beat on Yukihiro*
Ken: That’s all you, Yukihiro! *runs down the long hallways and turns, running smack into Samantha*
Sam: DEMONS BE GONE! *throws water on him* PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!! YOU’RE MELTING!
Ken: Ummm... I’m not though.
Sam: You are, see! Pssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!!!
Ken: I’m not a demon, either. Say... are you any good at fighting?
Sam: Fighting? There’s a fight, where?
Ken: Well, some guys from Dir en Grey are pounding on Yukihiro over there–
Sam: OH MY GAZETTE! YUKIHIRO! *runs away to save him*
Ken: Hey, wait! *follows her*
Ruki: *comes out of the shadows once they’re gone* Hey? Who summoned The Great
Ruki?
Reita: *appears too* I smell cat poo poo.
Ruki: GET BACK IN YOUR CORNER!
Reita: WAH!
Ruki: Hey, why does she always make the vocalist boss the bass player around...
Reita: I dunno, let’s beat each other up in order to defy that little wench!
Ruki: Ok! That doesn’t make any sense but let’s do it!

*both start beating on each other in the middle of a dark and scary hallway. Oh and it’s suddenly raining outside. Thunderstorm! Jajajajajaaaaaaa!!!!!*

MEANWHILE!! The other tards wander aimlessly around the other end of jo and Sarah’s house which has suddenly and mysteriously turned into a mansion so big that you can get lost in it. And yes, the operative word there is lost.

Tetsu: Are we there yet?
jo: No.
Toshiya: How about now?
jo: ...
Tetsu: Yet?
jo: I said no...
Hyde: We’re there when we get that girl or whatever we’re looking for.
Kyo: Why is it suddenly storming...
jo: Well, things are just more interesting that way. You know, we’re wandering around a big scary mansion, the power’s out...
Kyo: No it isn’t.
jo: *snaps her fingers and the lights go off* It is now.
Toshiya: WHEEEEE! The lights went bye bye! *runs away with Tetsu at his heels*
Tetsu: Wait for me, new friend!
jo: Hmm... anyone wanna go chase those two?
Hyde: Yeah right.
Kyo: I didn’t come here to babysit.
jo: Yeah, why did you come here Kyo?
Kyo: Video games.
jo: ...that isn’t... ringing any bells.
Kyo: I’M HERE BECAUSE YOU PUT ME HERE YOU CRAZY LITTLE–
*clap of thunder*
jo: Kyo... you just almost called me a horrible name, didn’t you?!
Kyo: Oh, of course not.
jo: KYO HATES ME! *runs away into the darkness*
Kyo: ...
Hyde: ...
jo: *reappears behind them and puts her arms around them* Just kidding! I wouldn’t leave you two alone, you’d kill each other, then I’d have lost my 2 bestest friends.

*they continue to walk and talk... dun dun dun*

Kyo: Um... I don’t even know you...
jo: What! Don’t you remember that party last night?!
Kyo: ...
jo: Well, you were pretty drunk. It didn’t take much either. One wine cooler and you were staggerin’ around–
Kyo: Shut up, that never happened.
Hyde: That’s right, put her in her place! HE SAID SHUT UP SO DO IT!
jo: Hyyyyyyyde!
Hyde: Whhhaaaaaaat!
jo: Well I was gonna insult you but whenever I do that people always “run away crying” so... I rethought it.
Hyde: Hm. Wise decision.
Kyo: Hey, do you guys hear that...
jo: What? Is it the stench of you and Hyde getting along?!
Kyo: No.
Hyde: ...
jo: Well what is it then?
Kyo: Sounds like... a ghost.
Hyde: ...
jo: What’s a ghost sound like...
Kyo: LIKE YOUR MOTHER!
jo: Woah, that’s a bad sound...
Hyde: Umm... has anyone else noticed that this hall never ends....?
jo: Yeah this is the never-ending hallway of doom, now anyway, about that ghost–
Hyde: Never-ending hallway of what now?
jo: Uh, doom. Ok, so Kyo–
Hyde: So it never... ends?
jo: DUH! Now will you shut up!
Hyde: So we’re stuck walking down this hall... forever?
jo: Umm... yeah! Isn’t it great!
Kyo: Someone shoot me.
Hyde: If you shoot me first...
jo: Silence, I’ll shoot you both when we get back.
Kyo: Back? I’m scared.
jo: AW! HOW CUTE! It’s ok, little Kyo-kyo!
Kyo: *evil glare*
jo: Wow... if looks could kill.
Hyde: If looks could kill he wouldn’t be allowed out of the house.
Kyo: GRARGH! *attacks Hyde*
jo: Hey! Stop that! You’re both middle-aged men, and your acting like 5 year olds!
Kyo: Wow, where did that bout of sanity come from?
jo: Don’t know.
Hyde: It’s true! I’m about to be 40... how depressing.
jo: It’s ok Hyde, you don’t look a day over 10.
Hyde: Yay!
Kyo: What about me? Where’s my compliment?
jo: You are the ugliest scum ever to walk this Earth.
Kyo: Woohoo!
jo: Ok, let’s go.
Hyde: Go where?! We’re stuck in this hallway of doom thing and we’ll never find your friend and Tetsu and that other geek ran away and–
jo: HYDE! Calm. Quiet.
Hyde: ...
jo: Be those 2 adjectives for a couple secs while I fix us up right quick.
Kyo: ...
jo: OH SPIRITS OF THIS HOUSE! LEND ME YOUR POWERS SO THAT I MAY LEAD THESE FOOLS THROUGH THIS NEVER-ENDING HALLWAY OF DOOOOM!
Kyo: ...
Hyde: Sigh...
Miyavi: *appears in the sky.... uh, I mean, up by the ceiling* What do you want from me?
jo: Miyavi?! You haunt my house?
Kyo: Who the hell is this fruitcake?
Hyde: Oh no, not him again... I remember he tried to eat my flesh off in the Lost Easter Episode...
jo: SH! He’s gonna help us get outta here and find the others!
Miyavi: *falls* Owie.
Hyde: ...
jo: Miyab!!
Miyavi: What.
jo: You’re not a ghost.
Miyavi: No... Sigh. I’m not.
jo: Damn.
Kyo: Well, you wouldn’t have happened to see two mentally handicapped people run by here, would you?
Miyavi: Hey, you’re really short! Haha, you’re all short!
jo: ...
Miyavi: I’m in charge now!
jo: You can’t just come in here and take my job! For your information, buddy, I’m normal size, THEY are short!
Miyavi: So what does that make me?
jo: A tall weirdo.
Miyavi: A tall POWERFUL weirdo.
jo: Ok, whatever.
Kyo: I don’t like this girl...
Miyavi: Uh, I’m a guy.
Kyo: Yeah, sure, and I'm the freakin' queen of England.
Miyavi: Ok, wanna date?
Kyo: ...
jo: Yes he does! I mean SHE DOES!
Miyavi: You have a deep voice for a girl, and you kind of look like a troll, or a midget, but it’s ok. You’ll do.
Kyo: ...
Hyde: Wait until he starts trying to eat you!
Miyavi: I wouldn’t eat my own girlfriend! Don’t be silly, Hyde-y Wyde-y!
jo: Don’t worry, Kyo. By the time this whole thing is over, I’ll make sure no one thinks you’re their mom or their girlfriend... or a girl.
Kyo: Really?
jo: Of course. How could I leave a poor defenseless little cute thing to suffer!?
Kyo: ...
Hyde: Well, since all he’s got to say is dot dot dot, can we keep moving?
Miyavi: What about that hallway problem you were having... umm, this hallway never ends or something like that?
Hyde: ...You mean, you... can’t fix it...
Miyavi: LOL
jo: Woah Miyavi! We don’t say lol ‘round these parts.
Miyavi: Oops. Sorry.
jo: It’s ok. I can forgive you.
Hyde: I’M SURROUNDED BY IDIOTS!
Kyo: AHHHHHHHHHH! KYO MAD! KYO SMASH! *stars beating on Miyavi*
jo: Wow! That is so great! Why didn’t I think of that - MIYAVI VERSUS KYO! It’s perfect! Tall crazy against short crazy!
Sam: *appears with Ken* HEY!
jo: SAMANTHA!
Sam: That was MY idea!
jo: What are you talking about...
Sam: Member when I appeared and I was all like I HAVE A BETTER IDEA! Well that was it - my BETTER idea was Miyavi versus Kyo!
Ken: Calm down, ladies! Instead of making them fight, you two can fight. Naked. In a pit of mud.
jo: SHUT UP! NO ONE’S FIGHTING!
Hyde: ...
Miyavi: ...
Kyo: ...
Ken: ...
Sam: ...
Miyavi: What are we doing then...
jo: We’re going to find Sam.
Sam: Got her! Here she is.
Miyavi: MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!
jo: Let’s return to HQ!
Ken: Wait, just one problem... we should really go find Tetsu and that other thing before we go back, because Kaoru and Die aren’t any help... they’re just sitting in the hallway beating Yukihiro to a bloody pulp.
Kyo: Just like old times...
jo: ...
Hyde: Yeah, and besides, we’re stuck in this hallway of doom, so...
Sam: Teleportation time?
jo: I suppose so.
Sam: Wheeeeee!

*everyone teleports to... somewhere that isn’t where they just were. Which happens to be a hallway where Ruki and Reita are beating each other up and just around the corner Die and Kaoru are doing a number on Yukihiro’s “beautiful” face.*

jo: Wow! What awesome footage! *pulls a camera out of nowhere*
Miyavi: Hi Ruki! Hi Reita! *waves but they ignore him and just keep killing each other* How did they get in here, I wonder...
Hyde: Seems like this house has turned into a huge giganticle mansion full of rock stars.
Kyo: Really! Oh my gosh I didn’t notice! Thanks for clearing things up! You’re a genius!
Hyde: ...You lookin’ to get whipped, sonny?
Kyo: Bring it, toadface.
Hyde: You little monkey! *jumps on him...heated battle ensues*
jo: Oooooh! I can’t decide which to film!
Ken: Film me! *stars beating up Samantha*
Sam: *sends him flying out the window*

....Cut screen to Sarah, Shinya, Sakura, and Gackt just sitting up against the wall outside underneath the window they all jumped out... it’s still storming and it’s really dark. They’re all huddled together in the little bit of light that’s coming from...somewhere.

Shinya: It’s out there...
Sarah: Yeah, someone go kill it...
Sakura: I’m not goin’ out there.
Gackt: What if I told you I’d give you some of my stash?
Sakura: You don’t have a stash.
Gackt: *grabs a little plastic bag of white stuff out of Sakura’s pocket* I do now!
Sakura: Hey, mine! *reaches over and grabs it*

*blood-curling howl sends them whimpering back to their little huddle*

Sarah: It’s coming for us! It’s going to tear us limb from limb!
Shinya: That’s it, I’m going out there.
Sarah: Shinya!
Shinya: *stands up... dramatic camera angle* I’m tired of hiding here in this corner like a weakling. *starts walking off into the darkness*
Sarah: Shinya, wait, you– ...Hey... does anyone hear that? Sounds like... Ken screaming... It’s getting closer...
Ken: *falls from the sky and lands in front of Shinya with his face in the mud* Hey gang!
Shinya: AH! *runs back over and hugs his wall*
Sakura: Ken! What the hell... Where did you come from?
Ken: *getting up* Well. I jumped out the window a while ago, and for some reason it took me about 30 minutes to reach the ground.
Gackt: Wow... something weird is going on.

*another pure evil howl from the distance*

Ken: Woah. What the shit was that...
Gackt: Sounds closer than the last one...
Ken: The last one? What are you talking about?!
Sarah: We keep hearing it. Something’s out there...
Ken: So you guys have just been sitting here waiting for your deaths?!
Shinya: Pretty much...
Ken: Bye! *walks through the wall*
Sakura: Woah Ken you just floated through that wall, come back here!
Ken: *walks back out* What?
Sakura: You just floated through that wall, you’re magic!
Ken: *shakes his head* You’re a weird kid, Sakura. See ya later. *walks back through the wall*
Sakura: You are magic! YOU’RE MY MAGICAL FRIEND DAMMIT!
Gackt: *dies*
Sarah: WHYYYYYYYYYY?! HE WAS ONLY A BOY!!!!!!!
Sakura: Shut up he was 465.
Sarah: Oh yeah...
Shinya: Hey, let’s follow that ugly guy. *walks through the wall*
Sakura: Oh my gosh Shinya you just floated through that wall–*Sarah knocks him out*
Sarah: Wait up, Shinya! *walks through the wall dragging Sakura and Gackt, but when she gets in there Shinya is nowhere to be seen* Uh-oooh.... Sakura! Gackt! Wake up!
Gackt: *mumble mumble* I don’t wanna go to school, mommy...
Sarah: DAMN! Now what??? If only there were some type of... of THING where you could talk to someone from far away... WAIT! *digs through Gackt’s pockets until she produces a cell phone* YES! Now, to get help. *looks through the phonebook and there’s only one number* Hey... it doesn’t say who’s number this is... It just says.. ‘for emergency crack deals’. Well, I don’t think Gackt’s supplier is gonna be able to help me, but... here goes nothing! *calls it... suddenly Sakura’s cell phone begins to ring* Hmm, wonder who that could be? *pulls it outta Sakura’s pocket and looks at the caller ID... it’s Gackt’s phone number* Hey! *answers* Hello? *into Gackt’s phone* What do you want from me?! *into Sakura’s* you called me, dammit! *into Gackt’s* Oh lord! I’m Gackt’s crack dealer! *bursts into tears*
Mana: *appears*
Sarah: Oh my gosh, it’s Mana!
Mana: *bats eyelashes and holds out his hand*
Sarah: *hesitantly puts her hand in his*
Mana: *shakes his head*
Sarah: *takes her hand back and gives him the phones*
Mana: *nods and gestures toward Gackt and Sakura*
Sarah: *smiles and nods as she reaches into their pockets, takes out their wallets and gives them to Mana*
Mana: *takes them with a Mana-ish facial expression and then throws his head back and howls*
Sarah: Mana! It was you all that time!
Mana: *nods*
Sarah: Wow!
Mana: *slowly fades away*
Sarah: Wait, Mana! Tell me where to go!
Mana: *points down the hallway then fades away*
Sarah: Darn it all! Well... *looks at Gackt and Sakura* Bye guys. Nice knowin’ ya. *barrels down the hallway, head down and eyes closed, until she hears banging coming from the closet she just passed* Uhh...
Voice from in the closet: Let us out! C’mon, it’s me, Ken!
Sarah: Dad! *opens the closet*
Ken: *jumps out* BOO!
Sarah: Ahhh!!!
Ken: Haha, just kidding! And I’m not your dad.
Sarah: Oh...darn.
Shinya: *comes out of the closet brushing himself off*
Sarah: Dad! *clings to Shinya*
Shinya: ...
Ken: So where are Gackt and Sakura?
Sarah: They’re... right down there. *looks down the hallway and they aren’t there* Never mind, no they aren’t.
Shinya: You lied to us?! You’re grounded young lady!
Ken: ...There are evil forces at work here! *shakes Shinya* WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH GACKT AND SAKURA!
Sarah: Ken! There are no evil forces at work! You know that beast outside? Well it was just Mana!
Ken: Mana? What?
Sarah: Mana. He came and stole Gackt and Sakura’s stuff.
Ken: Oh, well. That explains a lot.
Shinya: ...

THE END! [FOR NOW!]

Hoo boy! I didn’t think this was gonna havta be 2 parts, but it was getting long. And I need to take a break to go fix this computer. Anyway, this is too many kids for me to watch! So, let’s recap: So far, we’ve got the whole Diru gang with us, as if I didn’t have enough S names to keep track of, Shinya is here now, PLUS more retard action now that Samantha’s joined the crew. And Ruki and Reita are here, too, but they haven’t really joined the story yet. Miyavi is haunting the mansion and he thinks Kyo is his girlfriend. And Yukihiro thinks Kyo’s his mom. And Mana is the beast of the woods. So. All is going well, as one can plainly see. Oooh and... I know I said this wasn’t gonna involve a haunted house but it just sorta happened. Now we all havta live with my mistakes.

Stay tuned for the next star-studded episode! And why’s everyone trying to beat each other up...?