Never Lonely Again
Author's note: Clay owns himself and his own name. I only wrote the words
to the story.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Early November 2004
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Clay’s place in Los
Angeles,
Clay smiled when he saw the pop-up window that told him Kate had logged in. He moved quickly to greet her, as his schedule was going to continue being high-speed crazy well into spring or summer. Every moment he could steal with her was going to be a treasure.
prideofaslan78: Hey Kate, how’s it
going for you this evening?
frauleinkirche: Good, good. I have no complaints. And your evening?
prideofaslan78: I’m enjoying some
rare quiet, down time.
frauleinkirche: Yeah, your
schedule is grueling. Enjoy, enjoy,
enjoy that down time while you have it.
prideofaslan78: I am.
frauleinkirche: And you really
want to spend that down time talking with me?
prideofaslan78: One of the best
ways I can think of to spend it.
frauleinkirche: If you think
hanging around with me is one of the best ways you can spend your time, then
you lead a dull life.
prideofaslan78: Hardly. My life is TOO crazy. I need friends who can help me escape that
craziness. You’re grounded, yet interesting. Any time I can spend with normal people is
time well spent.
frauleinkirche: And how many
times do I have to remind you I’m not normal?
prideofaslan78: As many times as
it takes for you to figure out you’ve got company.
frauleinkirche: And good company
at that.
prideofaslan78: I’m going to need
you keeping me sane in the months ahead.
frauleinkirche: Oh really?
prideofaslan78: Ruben and I have
been approached with a movie script… and we’re both liking it. It’ll probably happen after I’m done with my
Christmas tour.
frauleinkirche: Coolness! Any particular genre?
prideofaslan78: I’m not going to
spoil anything for you, but I will tell you that it’s family friendly.
frauleinkirche: Not surprised to
hear that from you. What kind of
character are you playing?
prideofaslan78: What kind of
character do you think?
frauleinkirche: The
possibilities are endless. You have
enough acting chops that you could play about anything. Not that I’d want to see ANYTHING… but the
fact that you’ve said it’s family friendly, I’m not worried about what I’ll
see.
prideofaslan78: Wow. Your confidence in me is… well, a little
overwhelming.
frauleinkirche: Seriously, you
could be the intelligent scientific prodigy, you could be an action hero, you could
be a principled visionary, you could be comical without being crude…
prideofaslan78: Seriously?
frauleinkirche: Oh yeah,
absolutely. And any or all of those
could be a romantic lead if they decided to throw that angle in as well.
prideofaslan78: Now I know you’re
pulling my leg.
frauleinkirche: No, Clay, I’m
not. You could play the part of any and
all of that if you put your mind to it.
You have that kind of talent.
prideofaslan78: Though I don’t
think anyone would ever buy the idea of me as a romantic lead…
frauleinkirche: What, you
haven’t read the boards lately? The way
some of those women talk about you, you’re pure vanilla testosterone with
cinnamon sprinkles.
prideofaslan78: Give me a break…
frauleinkirche: I’m just telling
you what I’ve been seeing on the boards.
They think you’ve got a total “it” factor when it comes to romance and
hotness.
prideofaslan78: What about you,
Kate? Do YOU think I have that “it”
factor?
Clay pushed the “send” button and waited, wondering if he had crossed the line by asking. Since she was his friend, she would doubtless say something supportive… but it was doubtable that she would see him that way. He wanted her to, but the odds were not in his favor and he knew it. Several excruciating moments later, her response came.
frauleinkirche: To the right
woman, you absolutely have that, and you always will.
Somehow her response seemed evasive, yet Clay wasn’t entirely sure he wanted to push the point. His less than positive prior experiences didn’t encourage him to risk finding out. Maybe if he tried something a little less direct… He put his hands back to the keys and began again.
prideofaslan78: So what do you
look for in a guy?
frauleinkirche: Honestly, I try
not to look at all. I learned a long
time ago never to get my hopes up on something that will probably never
happen. There just is no reason for wild
and crazy pretending about what “could be” when all it does is waste my
valuable time and brainpower on useless dreaming.
prideofaslan78: Don’t say that,
Kate. For all you know God might have
someone very special waiting just for you, hiding somewhere out there that you
least expect him to be.
frauleinkirche: I only wish that
could be true.
prideofaslan78: Why couldn’t it
be?
frauleinkirche: Because I don’t
deserve it.
prideofaslan78: None of us do,
Kate.
frauleinkirche: Isn’t that the
truth…
prideofaslan78: So do that wild
and crazy pretending for just one moment, Kate.
Pretend along with me. If your
dream man really did exist - and I don’t mean what you think you might end up
with because you don’t think you deserve better, I mean what you really really
WANT deep in your heart of hearts - what would he be like?
frauleinkirche: That really
WOULD be wild and crazy pretending, Clay.
prideofaslan78: Humor me and just
do it.
frauleinkirche: Okay, if you
insist, but I’ll probably have to console myself with some serious chocolate
when we’re done.
prideofaslan78: Must be rough…
frauleinkirche: Hush up if you
really want me to do this. There are a
few musts. He has to be Christian, first
and foremost. I want him to be a man
after God’s heart like King David was… because after that, a lot of the other
things will follow. He’ll be someone who
values integrity and honor. Someone who
accepts and respects me for who I am. A
gentleman who loves kids. Someone with
common sense and a good sense of humor.
Beyond that, it’s pretty much preferences but not musts.
prideofaslan78: Nothing more basic
than that?
frauleinkirche: It’s hard enough
to find THAT in this day and age. You’re
the only man I know like that who isn’t a relative or isn’t already
married. It’s no wonder why I’m still
single.
Clay wasn’t entirely sure how to take what she said. On one hand, it felt like the greatest compliment in the world generously lavished with a great big dallop of sweet hope on top. Yet on the other… something about her words still felt like he didn’t stand a chance in the world of her ever seeing him that way, as if she had somehow already dismissed any possibility in her own mind. He struggled to find something genuine and reassuring to say to her.
prideofaslan78: I hope that you
get what you want.
frauleinkirche: I know you
do. That’s the kind of heart you have.
prideofaslan78: Kate, I’m the most
selfish and self-centered person I know.
frauleinkirche: No, that would
be me.
prideofaslan78: That’s not the way
you act.
frauleinkirche: It isn’t the way
you act either.
prideofaslan78: So how do you
think a person recognizes the one they’re going to marry?
Once more several moments passed before Clay received a response from Kate. This time, it was likely not because she was avoiding the topic so much as figuring out how to say what she was thinking.
frauleinkirche: It’s probably
different for everyone. I’ve heard of
some who knew the first moment they laid eyes on that other person. I’ve heard of some who have had to be slowly
won over with time… it wasn’t until they were in love up to their eyeballs that
they realized they couldn’t be without that other person in their life.
prideofaslan78: Never heard it put
quite that way…
prideofaslan78: So you’re saying
that you believe in love at first sight?
frauleinkirche: I can’t say I’ve
personally seen it happen, but I know that there are some who swear by it.
frauleinkirche: You?
prideofaslan78: I’ve heard both
schools of thought. All I know is that
I’m in a place where I need to be absolutely, completely, positively sure that
she’s the one.
frauleinkirche: I agree with you
on that count. You need to be
certain. Finding your soulmate and the
love of your life is vital to average marriages, let alone to someone in your
circumstances.
prideofaslan78: Absolutely. Shortly after one of my aunts divorced, she
gave me a piece of wisdom. “Don’t just
marry a person you can live with. Marry
the one person you cannot live without.”
frauleinkirche: Good piece of
advice. I’ve heard the same myself from
my mother.
frauleinkirche: With as long as
it takes me to decide I trust someone enough to open up to them, it’ll probably
take me quite a few jabs from God’s cattle prod before I’ll figure out who my
soulmate is.
prideofaslan78: I’m sorry, Kate,
but I just can’t help laughing at that mental picture.
frauleinkirche: Go right ahead,
it’s fine. I’d rather laugh than cry.
prideofaslan78: So how will I know
when you trust me?
Clay closed one eye, again wondering if he had said too much. Surprisingly only a minute passed this time before her response popped onto the screen.
frauleinkirche: I already trust
you more than I have any other man I’m not related to.
prideofaslan78: I’m honored.
frauleinkirche: Let me give you
an example. For reasons I still don’t
know and don’t understand, I grew up with sort of an unspoken “untouchable”
rule. People rarely came closer than two
feet, and when they did they hardly ever touched me at all. It was as if there was some sort of force
field or electric fence around me, one that I never put up, but everyone else
knew it was there.
prideofaslan78: Are you serious?
frauleinkirche: I wish I
weren’t.
prideofaslan78: Did this include
your family?
frauleinkirche: Thankfully not
so much. If it hadn’t been for family,
even the simplest touch would be painfully uncomfortable. As it is, I just have to trust someone before
it’s okay.
prideofaslan78: Interesting…
frauleinkirche: Anyway, you’re a
very touch-oriented person. You share
hugs, hand-holding, et cetera with all sorts of people you’re comfortable
with. Friends, family… and that’s normal
for you.
prideofaslan78: Right.
frauleinkirche: Even though it’s
anything but the norm for me, I think I would be comfortable with you if you
did something like that… hugged me, held my hand, or whatever even though I
know for you it would be just a regular expression of your friendship.
prideofaslan78: Now I know I’m
honored.
prideofaslan78: How has this
affected your dating life?
This time Clay knew her response would take several minutes; he hadn’t asked her an easy question. He waited, giving her the time she needed to gather her thoughts.
frauleinkirche: We’ll just say
it hasn’t been easy and leave it at that.
I don’t kiss just anyone, for starts.
I have to be able to trust them.
prideofaslan78: That goes without
saying.
frauleinkirche: My hope and my
prayer is that when I find the right guy, showing affection in physical,
touchy-feely ways will be very natural to me… I won’t have to put conscious
effort into it.
prideofaslan78: That’s not an
impossible thing, Kate. I’ve heard of it
happening before. Two people who never
seemed to have much of a dating life or an overt interest in one for many years
got together, and suddenly couldn’t keep their hands off each other
frauleinkirche: Seriously?
prideofaslan78: Absolutely. They’re friends of mine.
frauleinkirche: Well, that’s
encouraging. Knowing that there’s
someone out there who has been in the same proverbial boat gives me hope that
there really might be someone out there for me.
prideofaslan78: Of course there’s
hope for you, Kate. You’re someone
special.
frauleinkirche: You give me too
much credit.
prideofaslan78: I don’t think you
give yourself enough.
frauleinkirche: There hasn’t
exactly been an overabundance of decent candidates in my life, much less any
who actually show me as much as a second glance’s worth of interest. You’re the first male in a long time who’s
treated me like a basic human being instead of pond scum.
prideofaslan78: Last I checked you
met the minimum qualifications for humanity.
frauleinkirche: Thanks, I think.
prideofaslan78: You’re
welcome. Believe it or not, that was
serious and not a tease. If anything, it
was a bit of dry sarcasm as you have a lot more going for you than just bare minimum
qualifications.
frauleinkirche: I’m glad you
clarified, and thank you again for giving me way too much credit. It’s so easy to misunderstand people on this
thing where you can’t hear a person’s tone of voice.
prideofaslan78: Isn’t that the
truth. And I’m not giving you too much
credit, you don’t give yourself enough.
frauleinkirche: Whatever. At any rate, having an overprotective brother
didn’t help me hone my dating skills at all.
prideofaslan78: I’d think it would
by weeding out the less desirable candidates.
Did he beat up the guys who were mean to you?
frauleinkirche: Once was all it
took. After that, no guy in town would
even look at me twice. He successfully
weeded out ALL candidates, not just the less desirable ones. I had to go to college out of town, where no
one knew who Andrew Kirche was, before I found anyone willing to date me.
prideofaslan78: You didn’t miss
much. High school boys as a rule are
horny jerks.
frauleinkirche: Keep in mind you
were a high school boy once.
prideofaslan78: Which is why I can
speak from experience.
frauleinkirche: Well, thank you
for looking out for me.
prideofaslan78: Any time.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Late Sunday evening, February 27, 2005
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Kate’s apartment in
Kearney,
The unmistakable sound of The Way rang out from Kate’s cell phone, and she dived to grab
it. “Hey there,
Clay snorted on the other end. “You’re having way too much fun with that.”
“Yup,” she acknowledged boldly. “I have to get in my teases while I have the opportunity, before the movie bleeds any more time out of you.”
“I don’t have that
much longer to go…” Clay protested.
“They’re planning to wrap shortly before I head off to
“They’re cutting it awfully close…” Kate noted. “I know nothing about the moviemaking industry, and even I know that.”
“It’s the genre, Kate… there’s a lot they can get away with because of the type of movie it is. Otherwise it would take a whole lot more production time than it is.”
“And you’re still spoiling nothing for me, got it?”
“Of course not.”
“Between you and me,” Kate said quietly, “I will be glad
when you do wrap. Right now I think you’re living on
adrenaline, caffeine, and the threat of
He snorted again. “It wouldn’t be the first time…”
“I’m sure. Dogs have that way of always being underfoot… like cats and men.”
“Har har.”
Kate snickered. “I’m teasing you, Clay, but dogs do have that way of always wanting to be where you are.”
Clay agreed. “Dogs love unconditionally. That’s why I got her; I wanted someone in my life who loved me for me and didn’t give a flip about my fame or lack of it if it all goes away.”
Heaving a sigh, Kate was forced to see his logic. “You got it, but you also got someone who isn’t much of a conversationalist and someday just might use your favorite pair of shoes as a chew toy.”
“Well,” Clay grumbled, “she already tried doing that with your dog.”
“Oh really?” Kate snickered again. “Considering how much it looks like her, I’m not even going to talk about the irony in that one.”
“Oh, good grief… I hadn’t even thought of that…”
“Sorry,” Kate apologized. “At any rate, you needed a break away from the craziness, even if for a little while.”
This time it was Clay that heaved the sigh. “It says something about my life that I have
to go to a couple of conferences in
“How did the Voices For Change go?”
“Really well,” Clay answered, and Kate could almost hear the smile in his voice. “Some of the people honored were just fabulous, they’ve done so much for inclusion and special education.”
Kate smiled, nodding in remembrance of the pictures she had found online of her friend at the gathering. “They did, I saw the synopsis. It was definitely a busy time. You sang really well, too.”
“Thanks,” Clay said quietly, almost half embarrassed.
Her ears immediately caught the nuance in his voice. “Ready for the conference tomorrow?”
Clay took a deep breath and slowly heaved it out. “I think so. I believe I’ve done all my research, organized what all I want to say and everything. It’s quite an honor to be featured at this conference.”
“That it is,” Kate admitted. “You’ve done quite a lot of work in that area, so I’m not surprised.” This time Kate heard no response from Clay at all. She grimaced with guilt. Something was definitely eating at him tonight. She decided to return to her first tactic, shameless teasing. “So are you enjoying the sun, the surf, the seafood…”
“YOU are being an absolute brat tonight, Kathryn Kirche.”
Kate giggled wickedly. “I’ve missed harassing my favorite Clay Aiken.”
“Your favorite Clay Aiken???” Clay sputtered. “After all the times you accuse me of piling it higher and deeper, you come up with a line like that?”
“So?” Kate retorted smartly. “About every other time we talk, you’re so full of it I find it amazing your eyes are still green.”
“Now you’re getting personal.”
“You’ll survive. What I want to know is what’s wrong with turnabout being fair play for once?”
“It’s not you, Kate Kirche, and you know it. I want to know who poured a cup full of ornery in your grits lately.”
Caught out in her tactics, Kate made a face and decided to admit her reasons. “The last handful of weeks, every time I’ve received a voice mail or email from you, it has either sounded extremely tired or extremely down. I guess you can say I’m trying to keep your spirits up, even if I have jolt you out of that.”
Clay snickered, finally comprehending what she had been doing. “Well, the attempts may not be working, but I will appreciate your intent. I know after all the craziness, I’ve needed to hear your voice again… and not just your voice mail, either.”
Kate caught the wistfulness in his words. Before he seemed ragged, but the more he talked it seemed that he was just plain down. Kate wasn’t sure, but she thought she might know why. “How has today been for you?”
There was a suspiciously-long pause on the other end. “Why?” Clay asked, his tired voice unable to mask his other emotions at this point.
“Well… it’s been a year since you lost your father. I know you’ve brushed everything off about that as ‘not important’, but I think on some level it affects you more deeply than you want to let on.”
“I’m fine,” Clay protested far too quickly.
“I respectfully disagree, my friend,” Kate said quietly. “For one, you’ve been putting out so much of yourself, and putting out so much of yourself, and putting out just a little bit more, and so few have been giving back to you that you’re nearly spent. I honestly worry about you sometimes for that reason.” When Clay was uncharacteristically quiet, she went on. “For another… when a person has an approval complex, like you and I do, it seriously affects us when the people we want to please the most treat us with either apathy or contempt. And the two people from whom you most wanted approval are the two people you can no longer even try to get it from. That’s one reason why today is probably tough on you, but you don’t seem to be willing to admit it, not even to me.”
“Kate…” Clay protested again, his voice weakened to a whisper. “I… I think you don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Clay may have been denying what she was trying to say, but there was so much she could read in his eyes and in his voice the day he gave the Primetime interview to Diane Sawyer, and so much she could read in the way he expressed himself in his book Learning to Sing. It was hard for her to put together why she was certain of it, but she was… and now as she listened to him again, the emotions in his voice seemed to give away that her instincts were right. “I think I do, more than you think.”
“And what experience do you have that makes you think you can get into my head and read what goes on in there?” Clay growled, irritated at her audacity.
Instantly Kate thought of her family gift. While she felt that was the source of many of her understandings and insights into who he was, she immediately dismissed that as any plausible reason she could give to Clay. That was simply too unbelievable for him to swallow without some sort of hard and fast proof to back it up. No, he needed to hear a real-life experience of hers… and absolutely nothing she had in her past came anywhere close. But by the same token, she did have to share something, so she chose the most likely candidate from her childhood that would give any fit to the charge. She took a deep breath.
“Clay, I told you that my mom’s a teacher too. When I was three and Drew was about four, we ended up having to go to a different daycare provider when ours had to close her business due to struggles with cancer she ultimately ended up losing. Sometimes when you have to switch quickly, you have to take whomever has openings.” Kate took another breath, recalling the events in her mind’s eye. “This woman… had issues. She was very verbally abusive with the kids, very hard to please, and delved out punishment for not just what we did wrong but for every little thing, including trying to get the kids out of her hair for a moment. She learned I was an easy target, kept telling me how a ‘good girl’ should act, and it was mostly sitting on a stool still and quiet as a statue. And I wanted more than anything in the world to be a good girl… so I was constantly trying to please her in whatever way she said good girls behaved.”
“You can’t be serious,” Clay told her. “Children can’t sit still and quiet for hours on end at a time. They need to be able to run and play and laugh.”
“I know. Poor Drew has so much energy, he couldn’t do the stool routine then or now. She was forever punishing him, and several of the others as well. There… was little or nothing we could do to avoid her wrath. Whenever the parents arrived to pick up their kids, she put on a great act and many were fooled. For a while.”
“What happened?” Clay asked.
“The mistreatment took its toll on the kids eventually. Nearly all of them ended up with issues of some sort… nightmares for some, bed-wetting for others, acting out at home, whatever.”
“You and Drew… how did you and Drew take it?”
“Like the total opposites we are,” Kate confirmed. “I totally withdrew, almost stopped talking altogether. The only thing my parents could get out of me for a while was ‘I’s good girl… I’s good girl.’ They knew something was wrong with me, but couldn’t figure it out for the life of them because I quite literally wasn’t talking. Drew was one of those who acted out, nearly drove my parents crazy with his energy and his antics. They were almost at their wits’ end on both of us until he finally gave them the clue they needed.”
“Go on.”
“One morning as Mom was getting us ready for the daycare, Drew decided that he didn’t want to go and that if he hid under the bed he’d be able to stay home. As soon as Mom started asking him what he was doing and why, he told them everything. He told them how she treated me, how she treated him, and how she treated the others. When they tried to quiz me to verify, apparently my eyes grew huge and I repeated my pet phrase a whole lot of times frighteningly fast before breaking down into tears. You’ve heard of those people who try to shush a kid into silence by threatening them if they tell… yeah, she played similar mental games on us. Mom and Dad yanked us out of that daycare so fast it could make your head spin, and passed the news on to the other parents… who it turns out were trying to figure out what to do with their own kids.”
Clay seemed relieved to hear that there was going to be a positive end to her tale. “What happened next?”
“The parents of all the kids affected took her to court and won. She lost her license and had to pay damages for all the kids to get therapy to heal from the quirks and idiosyncrasies they picked up.” Kate took a deep breath. “I obviously started talking again, but I never did lose my approval complex. All my life I have either constantly been seeking the approval of others, or deciding that I wasn’t going to get an individual’s approval and working way too hard to convince myself that their approval didn’t matter to me. But it was God’s work that taught me the only approval I really need is His… and He’s covered all my mistakes for eternity. I’m now His good girl of whom He very much approves, and all that remains is good work, and it’s to His glory instead of mine.”
At the end of her tale, Clay was again uncharacteristically quiet. “I see,” he said at last.
“I know, it’s not the same as trying to please a parent you fear will never approve of you or anything you do,” Kate answered sadly, inwardly hurting for the sake of her friend Clay… and her roommate Sarah, who had all but been rejected by nearly every family member she had. Kate was convinced that both Sarah’s independence and wild streak were a result of her upbringing. “Believe me, I have friends who have been in shoes closer to yours, and we’ve discussed the subject at length. I can’t understand at quite the same level you can… but I do understand.”
“It’s getting late where you are, Kate,” Clay answered quickly. “I should probably let you go for now so you can get to bed.”
Kate closed her eyes. It seemed that her well-meant concern for her friend had only hurt him after all. She would probably have a nice, long chat with God before she actually did go to bed. “Thanks, Clay. Leave it to you to be so thoughtful on my behalf. You take care and have a good day tomorrow, okay? I’ll be praying for you.”
“Thanks, Kate. I’ll talk to you again later when I get a chance.”
When Clay hung up the phone, Kate hung her head. She couldn’t help wondering if she had totally blown everything.
***
Clay stared at the phone at length after he hit the disconnect button. It didn’t make sense. Kate’s story rang true, but somehow it didn’t explain why her words cut him so deeply to the core, how she really did seem to have found a way to understand the hurt that remained deep in his heart and his soul. He hadn’t admitted to anyone how much or how deeply it still hurt, not to his mother, not to any of his roommates, not to any of his best friends over the years. It had remained buried, with the recent exceptions of talking a little bit about what had happened over the years. He thought he had remained detached and factual as he had done that, but he couldn’t help wondering about how Kate seemed to know. Come to think of it, there were a lot of little things she had seemed to know that she shouldn’t have… up until now he had dismissed them as mere coincidence. He had heard of people who seemed to have the ability to “read” people, “read” events and somehow know or predict things for which they had no prior knowledge. Could it be possible that Kate was one of those individuals? He was going to have to reflect more upon this later. For now, he had chosen another task for himself. Maybe Kate had gone to a therapist as a child to handle issues bigger than she deserved to deal with at such a tender young age, but Clay was darned if he was going to go seek out some overpriced shrink with his current situation. He didn’t have the time, he didn’t have the liberty, he didn’t have the anonymity. But he did have determination to see if he could find an answer or two on his own.
Opening up his computer, Clay opened a couple of browser windows. As long as the night was still young, he was going to see if he couldn’t find a couple of reliable, godly – and discrete - places he could find some self-help resources.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Saturday, March 26, 2005
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Clay’s home in Los
Angeles, California
Finally glad to be back home where he could unwind, Clay
logged into his email and his messaging program. He smiled when he saw that Kate was also
online. Because of his time in
prideofaslan78: Good morning.
When her response returned to him, he burst into laughter. It seemed that nothing had changed.
frauleinkirche: Hey there,
Trouble. How’s it going for the
worldwide traveler?
prideofaslan78: Trouble? I’m hurt…
frauleinkirche: You’ve been
called worse, I’m sure.
prideofaslan78: That’s for sure.
frauleinkirche: The question is
serious though. How is it going for you?
prideofaslan78: Well, now that I’m
back home and get a chance to breathe before the next thing, good.
frauleinkirche: I bet. I can tell you had a great time with all the
kids though.
prideofaslan78: What do you mean?
frauleinkirche: The media has
done a great job of showcasing what you were doing with those kids, calling
attention to what they’ve gone through.
You looked like you were having a lot of fun.
prideofaslan78: Having a lot of
fun making a fool of myself with all those kids.
frauleinkirche: Which meant you
fit right in with them. Kids love to
play and be silly, and you still know how to do that. That’s why they like you.
prideofaslan78: I hope you’re meaning
that as a compliment.
frauleinkirche: Absolutely I am.
Clay grinned broadly. Kate was focusing on the love for the kids and the willingness to be himself with them… and wasn’t judging him, but accepting him. It felt really good.
prideofaslan78: Thank you. But I still have to raise a protest.
frauleinkirche: Why? That was a compliment, not a putdown. I sure didn’t mean it as one.
prideofaslan78: And believe me,
Kate, I see it that way. You’ve made
that clear by the way you phrased it.
frauleinkirche: Then… what is
the problem?
prideofaslan78: You’ve seen
several news media clips of me with the kids, you’ve seen several photographs
of me with the kids. The last two years
you’ve had the ability to see and hear me any time you want by pulling up some
bit of previously aired media.
frauleinkirche: How is that a
problem?
prideofaslan78: Like you’ve said
before, guys are naturally curious to see who they’re talking to. They want to put a face to the name and the
words.
prideofaslan78: All I’ve had of
you is letters, emails, instant messages, and phone conversations. I’ve never seen what you look like at
all. Not a single photograph, nothing.
prideofaslan78: You’ve seen me
with kids countless times before… could I see you with the kids even once?
Clay sent his request off and waited. He had been requesting a photo of her since the beginning of their relationship, and every time she had managed to come up with some convenient excuse as to why she couldn’t. He wondered what the excuse was going to be this time, and couldn’t help wondering what she felt like she had to hide. Or did she really have something to hide after all?
frauleinkirche: Clay, I’ve told
you before that I’m not a pretty woman by any stretch of the imagination. I really don’t see why it’s important to see
what I look like when it’s just not… I’m sorry, but you hang around with pop
stars and supermodels. Compared to them,
I’m flat-out ugly. Why would you care
what I look like when they’re far prettier?
prideofaslan78: You have a
beautiful heart, Kate… I want to see the woman with the beautiful heart I’ve
come to be friends with. I want to see
the warmth in your smile and the light in your eyes. Even the most deformed children I saw over
there in
It took several minutes before Kate responded to his last message.
frauleinkirche: But kids are
beautiful anyway because they just are.
And it’s wonderful to see them happy.
prideofaslan78: Yes, it is. So why should it be any less wonderful to see
the happy face of a woman with a beautiful heart?
frauleinkirche: It isn’t.
prideofaslan78: Then why are you
holding out your picture from me?
frauleinkirche: Because I’m not
beautiful.
prideofaslan78: I don’t believe
for a moment that anyone with a heart as beautiful as yours is as ugly as you
claim.
prideofaslan78: You're made in
God’s image, which makes you someone very beautiful.
frauleinkirche: I don’t know why
He would call me beautiful, if it weren’t for the fact that He made me.
prideofaslan78: Are you saying you
doubt His words?
frauleinkirche: No. I just don’t see how they apply to me.
prideofaslan78: I don’t see why He
would love me either, but His words say that He does. Are you really suggesting that His absolute,
unchangeable words don’t apply to everyone?
frauleinkirche: That’s not the
way He is and you know it.
prideofaslan78: Then why do you
still think you’re ugly?
frauleinkirche: Because others
have shown me that I am through words and actions.
prideofaslan78: And you believe
them over Him?
frauleinkirche: I still think my
looks would traumatize you, like they have so many before you.
prideofaslan78: I don’t believe it
for a moment.
frauleinkirche: I bet they
would.
prideofaslan78: I'll take that
challenge.
frauleinkirche: What?
prideofaslan78: Send me a picture,
either a recent one or one from that mission trip you went on. Especially if it shows you with kids. You have to have one somewhere on your
computer by now. If I end up as
traumatized as you say, then I'll send you some of your favorite flowers for
being so shallow. But if your looks
don't scare me, then you have to have dinner with me sometime as your
punishment.
frauleinkirche: Dinner with you
wouldn't be punishment. You're my
friend, and I would enjoy any time I spend with you.
prideofaslan78: You're sweet.
frauleinkirche: If you really
consider that punishment… then punish away, as often as you’d like. I’ll even take my turn paying or we could pay
for our own to make it fair.
prideofaslan78: Okay, that’s a
little much.
frauleinkirche: Maybe to you...
prideofaslan78: So what's your
favorite flower?
frauleinkirche: Lavender roses.
prideofaslan78: I never knew they
came in that color. Why those?
frauleinkirche: Purple's my
favorite color, and because I'm such a cheesy, hopeless romantic I've always
loved roses.
prideofaslan78: Lavender roses it
is then. Do you know which picture
you're going to send me yet?
frauleinkirche: I’ll see what
train wreck I can drag up.
Clay waited a minute or two for her to find something, eagerly bouncing with anticipation that he was finally going to see what Kate looked like. Yes yes yes yes yes… Within another minute the message window showed that she was sharing a file with him and he squawked with excitement. The months of waiting were almost over, and he could hardly contain himself. He mused briefly that it was a good thing they weren’t on a voice chat… otherwise he would have had a lot to explain.
frauleinkirche: Okay, this is
what I have for you. It’s nothing
impressive at all, but it’s me.
prideofaslan78: What’s it of?
frauleinkirche: It’s me in
prideofaslan78: You’re impossible.
frauleinkirche: Takes one to
know one.
Still fidgeting with excitement, Clay watched the download meter as it inched its way across the screen. Does it have to take this long? I have high speed internet! He moved his cursor up to that part of the screen, waiting impatiently for the moment he could access the picture. As soon as he saw the link that told him he had the entire file, he clicked the link and awaited the results eagerly. The picture shot up to full view and Clay squawked again with surprise.
prideofaslan78: Kate… that’s a
monkey. Try again.
frauleinkirche: Darn, I was
hoping I’d get away with it.
In spite of himself, Clay snickered at her impishness. Even though her self-image left something to be desired, her sense of humor on the subject remained intact. Fortunately Kate did try again, and Clay again fidgeted through the seconds until he was able to see the photo.
As soon as the picture sprang to life on the screen, Clay felt his breath catch and his heart pause to take notice. His mouth slowly swung open at the image of a slender and shapely young woman surrounded by young children in colorful school uniforms. Her long hair was held back by a scarf and true to Kate’s word her face had the sheen of perspiration, but there was no mistaking the light in her eyes as anything but love for the Lord and His kids around her. This is the woman I've been talking to all this time? Clay let out the deep breath he had unconsciously been holding with slow amazement as he continued to stare. And what on earth makes her think she's ugly when she’s anything but??
Kate’s next message jolted him out of his daze.
frauleinkirche: Judging from
your total lack of response, I think I just won the bet. Send the flowers addressed to Medusa, if you
would.
Clay shook himself firmly to get rid of the fog. He knew he had to respond to a retort like that. But what could he say? He couldn't tell her that he was so attracted to her beauty that he couldn't think straight. She'd think he was nuts, even if it was the truth.
prideofaslan78: Kate, there isn’t
an ugly person in the picture. From the
way you were talking, I expected you to have an eye in the middle of your
forehead or some major disfigurement.
But you don't, so I'm a bit surprised.
frauleinkirche: Oh.
prideofaslan78: You look normal
enough to me. I think you look
fine.
Mighty fine, he thought to himself. He almost wished now that she had e-mailed him the picture instead… that way his brain would have recovered before he had to sound coherent. Now he was additionally grateful that they weren’t using the video function – that way she wouldn’t catch him drooling on the keyboard.
prideofaslan78: There really is
nothing ugly about you. The people who
called you that over the years were fools, and shallow ones at that.
Kate’s response took a while to return, making him wonder what was on her mind… including if she believed him or not.
frauleinkirche: Oh. Thank you for saying I look normal.
prideofaslan78: Takes one to know
one.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Clay and Kim’s place
in Los Angeles, California
Clay paced back and forth from his dresser to his suitcase on his bed as Kim rolled her eyes from the doorway. “You’ll be fine, Clay. They’re going to be looking out for your safety, the kids are going to love you as always… and if you forget to pack something, it shouldn’t be a big deal to pick it up somewhere along the way.”
“I hate to break it to you, but there’s kind of a shortage
of Wal-Marts in
Kim sighed. “I meant the airport…”
“If I really do forget something,” Clay continued, trying to
check off a mental list in his mind and losing track of details multiple times,
“I probably won’t figure it out until I’m in
“I guess if you do, it wasn’t that important.” Kim walked over to his suitcase and poked
around inside with one hand. “Glasses,
stuff for your contacts, malaria meds, allergy meds, bug repellant, underwear
and socks. Looks like you have the
basics right there, honey.” She laughed
wickedly as Clay scowled at her.
“Seriously, after a few changes of clothes, what more do you really need
than that to survive one week in
Clay’s eyebrows rose in surprise at the print on the front label of the bottle. “They make a sunscreen that strong?”
“For people like you who burn to a crisp in any sunlight, of course they do.”
He made a face. “Rub it in, why don’t you?”
“Can’t, Clay, I’m staying here this week. You’re going to have to find someone else to
help you put it on… I hear there’s a girl in
Clay turned several interesting shades of embarrassed red but otherwise ignored the retort.
“Seriously, Clay,” Kim said quietly. “I still say she’s fallen for you, and I don’t understand why you can’t see it too.”
“Don’t I wish it were true,” Clay sighed.
“The only way you’re going to find out if it’s true or not is to talk with her about it.”
“I have,” Clay said in his defense. “Not quite as… openly as you have in mind, but I have asked her.”
“And?”
“She’s sure not interested in me.”
Shrugging widely, Kim shook her head. “Why do you keep saying that when you’ve given me nothing convincing? She’s shy and timid about dating, I’ll give you that… but that does not say ‘not interested’ and you know it.”
“What do you expect me to do?”
Kim heaved a frustrated sigh. “I told you… talk with her about it. And I mean directly.”
“I’m not asking her outright.”
“That’s the only way you’re going to get a straight, direct answer from her, Clay,” Kim informed him. “From what I can tell, she’s every bit as non-confrontational as you are. Unless you deal with the subject directly, you’ll dance around it forever and nothing will ever happen between you two.”
Clay snorted. “You know I can’t dance.”
Slapping her forehead, Kim groaned audibly. “You’re hopeless…” She heaved another sigh. “Look, as long as she hasn’t used the term ‘like a brother’ for you, you still have a chance. The moment she says you’re ‘like a brother’ to her, she’s written you off as date material either consciously or unconsciously.” Kim cocked her head to the side. “Has she done that yet?”
“N-No…”
“Then you still have a chance.” Kim pointed at him. “Ask her.”
From its resting point on top of Clay’s dresser, his cell phone rang and put a halt to their debate. Recognizing Jerome’s ringtone, Clay grabbed it and put it on speaker phone while he continued packing. “Hey, Jerome. I hope you’re not going to try talking me out of the trip.”
The security man snorted on the other end of the line. “Clay, you know me better than that… but unfortunately I am going to give you some bad news to take along for the ride.”
“Bad news?” Clay groaned. “Problem with the album, the movie, the media…?”
“Media,” Jerome answered. “New breaking scandal on the horizon.”
Clay’s shoulders slumped. “What is it about this time of year that they always try to sling dirt about me in the media?”
“Your contract with 19E,” Kim reminded him, “or should I say, former contact…?”
“Point taken,” Clay grumbled. “Do I need to be sitting down for this one?”
“That’s a toss-up,” Jerome muttered.
“Oh, great...” Clay rubbed his face with a groan.
“It’s better than the usual garbage because this one isn’t a total made-up lie,” Jerome informed him, “but it’s still probably the last thing you want to hear.”
Clay pinched his eyes tightly shut and braced himself for the bad news. “I’m listening.”
“Clay, one of the tabloids knows about Kate.”
“WHAT???”
“I figured you’d react about that well, even if I warned you,” Jerome sighed.
“Do you know anything about how they found out?” Kim asked. “Clay told me how he had been so careful to protect her identity from everyone, even when he took all her correspondence back to the studios to shred.”
“Someone at the studios told them this song and dance story about how you’ve been secretly corresponding with some fan for two years now, and they’ve implied that she’s your secret girlfriend.”
Kim’s face darkened as she turned to Clay still standing there stunned at the news. “I’ll give you three guesses, Clay, and they all begin with our buddy CR and that double-crossing assistant of his.”
Jerome agreed. “That would be my guess too. Anyway, this tabloid thinks it sounds like a nice, juicy story from a reputable source and wants to run with it. I found out from your lawyer this morning. He’s already been able to do the equivalent of stuffing a sock in their mouths, but we’re going to have to do a lot of fancy finagling to make it stick. The good news is that they don’t seem to know any details about Kate herself, other than the fact that she’s a fan. The identity of your ‘secret girlfriend’ is still unknown… but they’re saying you’re going to take her to the premiere of your movie in July. They’re also implying that it’s serious and it’s only a matter of time before you elope in a small, quiet ceremony away from the public eye.”
“But… but…” Clay sputtered. “Kate doesn’t even feel that way about me, I haven’t told her anything about how I feel, and they’re all but ready to lead us down the aisle! That’s – ”
“Your dreams come true…” Kim drawled.
“YOU STAY OUT OF THIS!” Clay howled as Jerome roared with laughter.
“Kim, Kim, Kim…” Jerome’s mirth continued as Clay fumed indignantly. “Thank you, girl. I needed the laugh.”
“Anytime,” Kim purred smugly, confident that she was right.
“Well, I didn’t think it was funny,” Clay snapped.
“Of course not…” Kim answered. “You have real feelings about her, so it’s no laughing matter to you. You find the situation very serious and very real. You’re afraid that if they break this story before you’ve had a chance to talk to her she’ll get scared and back away from you… even if she’s a sensible enough girl to ignore the trash mags like the plague that they are.”
Clay’s expression turned somber. Kim knew him entirely too well.
Finally Jerome regained his composure and went on with the
conversation. “Kim’s right. This situation is very real and serious,
especially if Kate’s identity ever is
discovered before we’ve had a chance to put a few more safeguards in place to
ensure her safety and privacy. Clay,
there’s not a whole lot you can do about this mess before you get back from
“Sounds like a plan to me,” Kim said reassuringly.
“Depending on what we are or aren’t able to do,” Jerome continued, “when you get back one of the first calls you need to make after you and I catch up is to your friend Kate. You may have to warn her of an impending storm… you may not.”
Still fuming from the gall of some individuals who dared to call themselves journalists, Clay crossed his arms. “Tell that nosy rag-mag that I haven’t asked anyone to the premiere yet, not even my family, because I’ve had no time to breathe or get a good night’s sleep in weeks and see what they think of that.”
Kim’s eye lit up. “That’s right… you still have no date.”
“Maybe this week I should have Einstein here work on the date while you’re working with my lawyer on making this mess go away,” Clay muttered with thick sarcasm.
“Absolutely not!” Kim answered hotly. “You’re a big boy, you can pull up your
big-boy boxers and find your own date to this little party after you get back from
“Oh, really?”
“Yeah… really.” Kim put her hands on her hips. “Not only that, but I think you should thumb your nose at that tabloid and do the very thing they’re accusing you of doing: invite Kate.”
Clay stared. “You’re out of your mind!”
“Actually,” Jerome interrupted, “she’s not. That’s one thing the lawyer suggested. If you show up with an actual date to the premiere, and tell everyone who asks the truth about how you met… you pre-empt their news and it’s no longer worth printing.”
“Not you too!” Clay moaned, holding his temples. “I can’t endanger Kate, I won’t!”
“What, have you forgotten that she told you she’s ready to face any danger she has to in order to be your friend?” Jerome reminded him.
Immediately Clay was ready with a fresh excuse. “She doesn’t see me that way… as soon as I try to make something more of our relationship, she’ll push me away and I’ll lose what I have now!”
“How do you know that unless you ask her?” Kim answered.
Clay shook his head. “It’s a bad, bad idea… courting the very danger I’m trying to avoid.”
With fresh confidence Kim walked over to stand directly in front of Clay with her hands remaining on her hips. “What, are you afraid?”
A few small noises of shock escaped Clay’s mouth before he replied emphatically. “Of course not!”
“Then do it.” She tilted her chin upward. “I dare you to ask her.”
Clay gaped at her. “You… dare…”
“Yes, Clay, dare. I dare you to ask her out.” Kim smiled slyly. “And I’m willing to make it worth your while.”
“What do you have in mind?” Clay squeaked.
“Ask Kate to come out to
Clay considered her words for a moment. She was indeed sweetening the conditions of the proposed date. “And if she accepts?”
“If Kate accepts, I’ll still make the arrangements for her dress and accessories, because I want her to look so dang hot you’ll be eating out of her hand. However, you will have to foot the bill on my outfit to play escort to Ruben since his girlfriend can’t go.”
At those words Clay raised an eyebrow. This dare seemed awfully lopsided in his favor, as either way she was planning to “doll-up” his escort. He decided that in the best interest of Kim’s pocketbook he would turn her down… in spite of what the mental image of a glammed-up Kate was doing to his head.
Immediately Kim recognized the look in his eye as one that
indicated he was going to dismiss the dare entirely. “I’m not done, Clay. I have one more condition to throw in to make
sure you follow through with the girl; otherwise you’ll turn me down
flat.” Seeing Clay’s guilty wince, she went
on with a victorious grin. “In addition,
if you chicken out and don’t ask her at all…
Clay gulped. “I’ll
talk to her as soon as we get back from
Kim smiled and patted Clay on the shoulder. “I knew you would. And you can thank me for it later, after she tells you yes.”
“I wish I had your confidence…”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Sunday, May 29, 2005
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The Kirche homestead
just north of Kearney, Nebraska
“Amazing meal, Mom,” Sarah told Patricia. “You are a fabulous cook.”
“I second that,” Kate replied. “This hits the spot.”
Patricia smiled. “Thank you, girls.” Andrew burped loudly, and Patricia raised an eyebrow. “And I see my son has added his opinion as well.” His wife Holly rolled her eyes as Kate and Sarah exchanged a secretly amused look.
“Of course we wanted to enjoy a three-day weekend with the family…” Andrew said, “do some celebrating with all of the holidays around here…”
Kate’s phone rang out with The Way and Kate squawked with excitement as she raced into the living room to dig it out of her purse. Sarah snickered as she glanced at her roommate. “Make sure to tell him hi for me.”
Andrew blinked with surprise. “She got a boyfriend now?”
Sarah sighed heavily. “Not yet. Right now he’s just a friend who’s a guy, but I’m convinced that he is every bit as crazy about her as she is about him, and every bit as chicken to come out and say it.”
“Well, let me see what I can do about that…” Andrew stood up and walked out to where Kate had just pulled her phone out of her purse. He yelled loud enough so that the person calling would hopefully hear, “Make sure you tell your boyfriend what today is, Sis!” Kate swatted him on the arm and slipped into the den, shutting the door behind her as Andrew crowed wickedly in triumph.
“Kate…?” Clay asked awkwardly. “Is there something you want to tell me?”
Kate huffed once and growled under her breath. “Don’t mind him. That’s just my dingbat brother being his usual pain in the… you-know-where self. After lunch Sarah and I both gave Mom very appreciative and quite proper compliments. Then there was Drew, who let rip one of his best.” She rolled her eyes as Clay snickered. “And now that I have a phone call, he’s up to his usual annoying tricks.”
“Oh, that’s the infamous Andrew…” Clay chuckled at Kate’s indignity. At first he hadn’t entirely been sure what was going on, but Kate’s words explained everything. “So he thinks I’m your boyfriend, hm?”
The color rose in Kate’s cheeks. “I’ve already warned you about him. For years he had to check out every man in my life and make sure they met with his approval, even those who were just friends. Now it’s almost as if he just wants me married and making babies…”
“Is that a bad thing?”
“No,” Kate said quietly. “I just want to be sure that I don’t make a mistake and pick the wrong kind of man for myself. I want to be with… someone right.”
Clay seemed to understand. “That’s as it should be, Kate. I give you my permission to take as much time as you need to find the man who’s right for you.”
Kate smiled gently, grateful for his words. “Thanks, Clay. I needed to hear that.”
“It sounds like it.”
“Speaking of needing to hear, I’m quite glad to hear that
you’re back safely from
“Thank you, Kate,” Clay answered softly, appreciating her concern. “It’s good to be back, even though I loved spending time with the kids.”
“You looked like you were.”
“You’ve seen pictures already?”
“Oh yes!” Kate nodded. “The publicity people working with that organization are apparently quite good. They know you are really on the ball about this and want to give attention to the plight of the people in the region.”
“I still say that I don’t have enough pictures of you, but thank you for finally sending me something…” Clay grumbled.
“I’m not photogenic,” Kate complained. “I look horrid in pictures.”
“Matter of opinion,” Clay returned, “that I don’t share.”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever.”
“Seriously, Kate,” Clay interjected. “I think you look fine, and I’d be happy to be seen around with you, or photographed with you, anywhere at anytime.”
“Brave man.”
Clay continued. “And to show you that I mean what I say… I-I want to invite you to come out to visit me for a week this summer.”
Kate’s eyes flew open wide. “Wh-What?”
“I want to invite you to come out to visit me for a week this summer,” Clay repeated. “There’s a spare room that I am ready to prepare for you, and Kim will be here to keep me honest.”
“Clay, you’re completely trustworthy,” Kate responded without hesitation. “You really want me to come out and visit you for a week? We still haven’t even met face to face yet!”
“And I want to change that,” Clay told her. “You did your continuing ed last summer, you kept working even when you had a perfectly good excuse to lay back and recuperate, so this summer you’d better take a break from all that working! You need a vacation this year. Otherwise I’m going to have to accuse you of being a workaholic or something like that.”
Kate shrugged. “I’ll admit to being a borderline case. I get it from my dad.”
“Aha!” Clay declared.
“I admit it.”
“So are you going to come?” Clay asked hopefully, sounding almost like an eager kid.
“I…” Kate shrugged thoughtfully, “I probably could, as long as it’s this summer. School starts back up in August.”
“Good! How about the week of July 29? Only fly here sometime during the week and back the next week so we get the weekend too?”
Something about his choice of date sounded familiar, but Kate couldn’t immediately place it. Her mind was still a little overwhelmed from the invite and wasn’t completely processing everything right now. “That sounds doable. We don’t have to worry about holidays and such, and I’ll be back in time for a few last weeks of prep work for my classroom.”
Clay exhaled on the other end, and Kate realized he had been holding his breath. “Fabulous. I am already looking forward to it, and we’ve still got about two months to go.”
“That is two months away, isn’t it?”
“Absolutely. I’m not going to keep you right now if you have family there…” Clay told her understandingly, “but I wanted to make that invitation as soon as possible so you could start planning. Plus, if you said yes, I need to do some planning of my own.”
“Oh?”
“Security issues,” Clay explained. “I want to make sure I do what I can so that you’ll be safe while you’re here, and so that your privacy will have some protections put into place. Kate, with your permission, I would like to give your contact information to Jerome. He will get in touch with you and work with you on a few things for the sake of privacy and security.”
Kate blinked and stared. “Like what?”
“Well…” Clay cleared his throat with embarrassment. “If anyone would happen to take photos of us out in public and try to identify you, I don’t want your personal information to be so easy for just any weirdo to access and try to hassle you for any reason whatsoever.”
Smiling gently at his concern, Kate chuckled. “I will look forward to his phone call. How about I start reassuring you gents by telling you that the land line Sarah and I share is unlisted?”
“Really?”
“Yeah,” Kate answered. “Two single women, one a schoolteacher, living alone felt like inviting trouble. Sarah and I agreed on that point from the start. So our phone and address is unlisted. Our workplaces have the information and the church has the information, but other than that it’s not public.”
Clay clicked his tongue in appreciation. “I have a feeling Jerome’s going to appreciate working with you. Make sure you keep track of stuff like that, it’ll make both his and your work easier.”
“And I appreciate your concern for me, Clay. You’re a real friend.”
“Thanks, Kate. And believe me, I will look forward to seeing you in two months. We’ll talk more details about it later, but for now I’ll let you get back to the others.”
With that Clay ended the call and Kate sat there staring at her phone in absolute shock. It had been surprising enough the first time when he had suggested meeting her, but this? Kate walked back out to the living room to put her phone away, a confused and distracted look on her face.
“Kate?” Sarah asked, noticing as Kate walked by her purse without seeing it before turning back around to place the cell phone inside. She walked towards her with concern. “What’s wrong?”
“N-Nothing,” Kate answered truthfully.
Sarah wasn’t convinced. “I don’t believe you.”
“Sarah, nothing’s wrong,” Kate shook her head. “H-He wants… me to come see him out in
Sarah shrieked with delight. “Please say you told him yes!”
“Well… yeah…” Kate frowned.
“He’s my friend and I trust him completely. But… it’s just a surprise.” She lowered her voice. “We still haven’t met face to face, and he
wants me to visit him out at his place in
“Like the two of you need a chaperone?” Sarah snorted.
Kate wrinkled her nose. “He doesn’t see me that way, Sarah, and you know it.”
“Pssh,” Sarah rolled her eyes. “He does too; otherwise he wouldn’t have gone out of his way to reassure you that he had your honor in mind. Do you have any idea when you’re going out there yet, or is it just a general invite at this point and you still need to pick out a week?”
“No, he gave me a very precise date… July 29. He suggested coming out during the week and flying back afterwards sometime, so that we’d be able to enjoy the weekend as part of our week together.”
Sarah’s jaw dropped sharply and she quickly grabbed both of Kate’s forearms. “Kate… do you realize what date that is?”
A blank look momentarily replaced the confusion on Kate’s face. “Two months away from today?” she asked with an ignorant shrug.
“Other than that!” Sarah paced fiercely, clearly excited about something. “Katydid, that’s the premiere date of his movie! That’s not just any ol’ general invite, he wants you out there for his premiere!”
Suddenly Kate’s memory raced back and she recalled the details. “Oh, crud…” she moaned as all of the color drained from her face.
Sarah stared. “Are you telling me he never mentioned the premiere during the conversation? He didn’t ask you to go with him at any time during the phone call?”
“No, of course not,” Kate shook her head, becoming more confused by the moment. “It never came up at all, not once. But that’s because he heard Drew’s little commentary and didn’t want to keep me from my family for long.”
“What a time for him to be chivalrous…” Sarah groaned, pinching the bridge of her nose, “and what a time for Drew to butt in. Does he even know what today is?”
“No,” Kate admitted. “I’ll tell him in time, but only when I trust him like I do all of you to let it slide quietly under the radar.”
“With the exception of one loud-mouthed brother?” Sarah said sweetly.
“Hey!” Andrew protested from the other room. “I resemble that remark!”
Kate rolled her eyes. “Yeah, with that notable exception. So why does he want me out there when he probably already has a hot date and all that for the premiere?”
“Like heck he has a date!” Sarah stomped her foot. “He wants you to be his date, but he’s still too afraid to ask you! I think he hoped you’d put two and two together without me having to spell it out for you.” She fumed. “Of course if he had asked you outright like he was supposed to, I wouldn’t have to spell it out for you in the first place.”
“Sarah, I’m not his date of choice, okay?” Kate spread her hands to halt the conversation. “He just sees me as a friend and nothing more.”
“Yeah, and the Borg have decided to quit assimilating people and have made Hugh their good-will ambassador…” Sarah muttered sarcastically.
Kate’s confused face returned. “Sarah, use an analogy I’ll understand.”
“Okay.” Sarah raised her chin defiantly. “And the Cubs will win the next World Series.”
“Sarah!” Kate protested as Andrew guffawed. “Be nice to my Cubbies!”
“She’s right,” Andrew broke in. “The day the Cubs win the Series will be a cold day in – ”
“YOU butt out of this!” Kate exclaimed, pointing at her brother.
Sarah snickered smugly. “My point has been made.”
“I still disagree with you.”
With a strong shake of her head, Sarah pressed on. “Oh, no… he’s falling in love with you, and he’s falling hard. Now that I think about it, he’s probably too afraid of rejection to say anything about how he feels, and I’m betting that’s why he hasn’t actually said anything about the premiere. He wants to get you to agree to come out there first, and then when he’s sure you’ll come he’ll find a way to invite you to the premiere. Mark my words: he’s quite besotted with you.”
“Yeah, RIGHT!” Kate snorted.
“Bet me,” Sarah dared her. “Not on the condition of him inviting you to the premiere because he could still ask you as ‘just friends’, but on how he feels about you.”
Kate considered her roommate through narrow eyes. “That should be an easy win, considering that he could pick anyone he wants instead of some low-life like me. So what stakes do you suggest?”
Sarah’s eyes widened slightly. “Something high, after a putdown like
that. If you are right and he only sees
you as friends… the next time you go back to
“Well!” Kate exclaimed with a grin. She had been trying to persuade Sarah to go with her the last two years and it hadn’t worked out. If Kate won the bet, she’d make sure next summer was the year. “I like the sound of that! And if I lose?”
“If I am right and he’s got some serious hots for you…” Sarah crossed her arms. “Two things: I want a photo of the two of you together, autographed by both of you.”
Kate winced. She hoped Clay would understand if by some crazy twist of fate Sarah was right. “Ok-kay… and your second thing?”
Sarah stood a little bit taller. “You finally
do something about that
This time Kate blanched. “I-I-I’ve got things under control.”
“And the Cubs are going to win back-to-back Series…” Sarah muttered.
“Now what’s that supposed to mean?”
Sarah regarded her through slits for eyes. “You know what I mean. Do you believe so strongly in your opinion that you accept my conditions, or do you chicken out like your boyfriend?”
“He is not my boyfriend! He’s…” Kate swallowed, “… just a friend.”
“But you want him to be more, and you know it.” Sarah blinked with surprise as Kate nodded once. “Well, you’re making progress if you at least admit that much.” She sighed. “It’s a start. Do we have a bet or not?”
“Only on the added condition that your second item for winning stays private between you and me,” Kate whispered strongly.
Sarah nodded once. “You have yourself a deal.”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Kate and Sarah’s
apartment in Kearney, Nebraska
Sarah stood at the door of Kate’s room and scanned the
well-organized piles of clothing on Kate’s bed.
“Katydid, you can’t be serious about what you’ve picked to take with you
to
Kate frowned and raised an eyebrow. “Oh, yes I can. So what is it about what I’ve picked that you don’t agree with?”
“I should have known,” Sarah sighed and walked over to the bed where she began indicating the piles. “It’s all nice, but there’s nothing in here that would catch his eye.”
With a snort Kate straightened the piles that Sarah had picked through. “Why should I choose my clothes to catch his eye when I personally couldn’t?”
Sarah rolled her eyes. “Sweetie, we’ve had this discussion. The mere fact that he invited you out there tells me you personally have his attention. He definitely likes you for who you are. What I don’t understand is why you don’t want to put the work into how you are going to look in order to keep his attention. Guys are visual, you know.”
“Considering what I have to work with,” Kate replied testily, indicating herself with a head-to-toe gesture, “my refusal should not surprise you.”
With a huff, Sarah crossed her arms. “Kate, you have a pretty face, a nice complexion, and a decent figure. You don’t have anything you need to hide or compensate for. Flaunt it a little.”
“Sarah, you’re not helping my nerves about this week any,” Kate complained.
Surprisingly Sarah didn’t respond to that; instead she studied Kate deliberately for a minute before turning her attention to the last pile of clothes on the bed. “Are you really planning on wearing this?” Ignoring Kate’s glare, Sarah continued. “And are you bringing any nice outfits? What about accessories?”
Kate crossed over to a hook hanging from her closet door. “Guess what, Sarah? I am packing a few nice outfits.” She showed her a pair of dresses and a couple of long broomstick skirts arranged neatly on the hook. “I wanted to have a couple of choices available for when we go to church on Sunday.”
“Oo, you’re packing the Hawaiian sundress Drew brought back from his honeymoon for you…” Sarah clucked her tongue with approval. “Perhaps there’s hope for you after all.”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Clay’s home in Los
Angeles,
Still wearing his sleepclothes, Clay paced in the middle of
his living room as the other three human occupants of the room exchanged
tell-tale glances with each other.
“Clay, why don’tcha just grab some real estate and park it?” Will told him with a scowl. Will McLeod was one of several local individuals Clay often called on for additional security and bodyguard detail, and he had agreed to assist Clay with everything that was going on this week. Sometimes he wondered if he was getting paid enough for moments like the ones he was being put through now… “You’re gonna give all of us ulcers just watchin’ you.”
“Not to mention he’s going to wear a path into the floor…” Kim grumbled.
Much to the surprise of Clay’s roommate and the two security men, Clay took Will’s suggestion and sat down in a nearby chair. The nervous energy, deprived of its original outlet, expressed itself anew as he began fidgeting before going on with his list of details and favors. “Will, did I thank you and Jerome for both being available for bodyguard detail for Kate and me this week?”
“Yeah, twice already. But if you keep driving us crazy, I’ll just let you keep thanking.”
Clay shot him a dirty look but otherwise moved on. “Kim, you found the flowers?”
Kim nodded. “One dozen roses in purple. I’m picking them up tomorrow morning so they’ll be fresh when you pick her up from the airport tomorrow afternoon.”
“Purple?” Will exclaimed. He blinked once and shook his head. “Man, if you really want to impress this girl, you’ll give her red ones instead of purple. Everyone knows that all chicks dig red roses.”
“Shows how little you know about women,” Clay answered snidely. “This woman told me that her favorite flower is in fact the purple rose… not the red one.”
“She didn’t strike me as a red-rose woman either,” Kim shrugged, “but to be fair to Will, I would have thought her favorite would have been pink roses instead of purple.”
Clay shrugged too in response to the conversation. “She’s definitely not your typical woman… but I’m finding I like her quirks and all.” He shot another look at Will. “Besides, she doesn’t see me that way… I’m just getting her the roses to help her feel welcome and appreciated as my friend.”
“If you want to appreciate her as ‘just a friend’,” Will rolled his eyes, “get yellow ones. Even someone who knows so little about women as you say knows that much.”
Sighing deeply, Clay shook his head with frustration. Why did they have to make things so difficult? “Kim… the purple ones are what she likes. That’s what I want to get her.”
Kim gave a single nod, a wry smile turning the corner of her mouth. “As it should be. Do you have anything special you want to get her for the premiere?”
Clay winced; he still hadn’t so much as mentioned the premiere to Kate, let alone asked her. “I hadn’t thought that far…”
But Kim had caught the non-verbal cue. Her eyes widened with amazement. “Don’t tell me you still haven’t asked her…”
“Well…”
Kim’s eyes narrowed to slits. “Don’t forget how much my cats miss me, Clay.”
This time Clay grimaced. “Believe me, I won’t.”
Will groaned. “You’re hopeless, man.”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Kate and Sarah’s
apartment in Kearney,
Sarah continued to pick her way through the items that Kate had prepared for travel, ignoring Kate’s frustrated groan. “So you’re saying that I can’t convince you to choose a few more things with a bit of va-voom?”
“You got it.”
“Okay, then.” Sarah squared her shoulders with a resigned sigh. “At least there’s nothing that screams ‘old maid’ in here. I’d have to hide it from you when you went to the bathroom so you’d be forced to pick something else.” She shook her head. “Days like this I wish we wore the same size, then I could loan you a few of my things.”
Kate rolled my eyes. “Thank goodness for small favors.”
“You have a problem with my clothes?”
“Not on you,” Kate told her honestly, “because that’s your choice. But they’re not my style.”
Raising an eyebrow, Sarah thought about it a moment before agreeing with her. “Probably not, you have longer lines and I have more curves.”
“Sarah,” Kate drawled, “you have more curves than a winding mountain road, and you wear stuff that shows them off. It’s no wonder half the guys get whiplash whenever you walk by.”
With a snicker, Sarah moved on from the clothes themselves to study a few other items that Kate had laid nearby to pack in the suitcase. She nodded with approval. “Good choice of accessories to match what you have. You have a very classic albeit conservative look going on here.”
“That’s my style.”
Sarah tilted her head to the side thoughtfully as Kate began putting items into the nearby suitcase. She seemed to be deep in thought. Finally she spoke again. “I shouldn’t be giving you such a hard time, Katydid. You’re well-prepared for this trip, at least when it comes to packing.” She turned to address Kate directly, looking her in the eye for what she planned to say next. “You’ve known Clay a long time and seen that he’s someone you can trust. This meeting between the two of you is long overdue.”
Kate shrugged with wide-open arms. “Sarah, we live half a country away from each other and our lives are both kinda crazy. It hasn’t exactly been easy to work out times and details. Besides, with his fame, he needed to know beyond a shadow of doubt that he could trust me.”
“That’s true…” Sarah admitted, “but I’m still concerned about you and your sense of trust. Kate, he may be the first man you’ve trusted to any significant degree; however, the fact that you have ignored repeated urgings by your family and me to get counseling means your friendship may not be ready to progress to the next level if the two of you decide to pursue that.”
“Sarah…” Kate groaned. “How many times do I have to tell you he doesn’t see me that way?”
“And how many times do I have to disagree with you?” Sarah
answered. “On both subjects! I know you
think you’ve convinced everyone that you’re doing better, but none of us are
fooled. Especially not me as your
roommate. Do you really think you can
hide the fact that your nightmares have resurged? They’re back to several times a week,
Kate. What if you have them out there in
“Have you thought about how much he’s going to hate me if I tell him the truth?” Kate whispered.
Sarah scowled fiercely. “He’d be the biggest moron of all time if he did that, and you’d have every right to call him one. You would certainly deserve a far better friend. In fact if that happens, you have my permission to tell him that I said as much.”
“I don’t deserve him as a friend now,” Kate sighed, her eyes downcast. “He’s special. I’m… not. I’m shameful, that’s what I am.”
“You shouldn’t be.” Sarah placed her hands on her hips. “Kate, I know that I made it a condition of our bet, but if I were you I would consider finally getting the counseling whatever the outcome. Otherwise you’re never going to move on, and you’re never going to find love. Not because people are incapable of loving you, but because you are afraid of letting them get close. You’re afraid of letting them see the deepest parts of you, because you don’t want to be judged for them.”
“Sarah, there isn’t a man on the planet who would want me after the disaster my life has become.”
“Any man with enough heart to see you for who you really are and enough brain to decide the ‘disaster your life has become’ really doesn’t matter if he wants to spend the rest of his with you would want you!” Sarah told her hotly. “And if he doesn’t have enough heart or brains to see the gift you are, then he doesn’t deserve to even be in the same room with you.”
Kate bit her lip to keep back the tears. “Sarah… do you want me to go on this trip or not?”
A wrinkled creased Sarah’s nose as a puzzled expression crossed her face. “Why are you asking me that question? It’s your choice.”
“Because if you really want me to go, then I need to finish packing alone.”
Sarah realized from Kate’s words that she had hit a painful mark… and that unless she did as Kate requested, she risked making Kate bow out of the trip at the last moment. She had known all along Kate was high-risk to change her mind about this trip and had therefore taken today and tomorrow off just to see her roommate off successfully. Sarah cared too much for her friend to hold her back from what could be… but by the same token, she cared too much to let Kate hold herself back when she should finally be free from the emotional chains she still carried. “As you wish,” she signed and left the room with a conflicted heart, knowing that after she left Kate would probably break down.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The next day at Clay’s
home in
Clay stared bleary-eyed into his orange juice as his scrambled eggs steamed on the plate. For reasons he couldn’t place his finger on, his dreams from the night prior taunted and bothered him. They had messed with his sleep during the last week he could afford it.
Kim could tell that something wasn’t sitting right. “What’s wrong, Clay?”
“I didn’t sleep well last night. Had some weird dreams.”
“Want to tell me about them?” Kim asked.
Clay stared off into the distance, trying to make sense out of what he had dreamed. “They were all about Kate and me, but I only remember one this morning. I remember dreaming that Kate and I were on opposite sides of this… deep chasm, and she was sitting on the edge of her side crying. It wasn’t a wide chasm, either of us probably could have jumped over it but for some reason I couldn’t.” Clay frowned deeply at the memory of the dream, still upset by it. “I wanted to go over and comfort her, but it was like I wasn’t allowed to jump the chasm, she had to come to me. I don’t know why. There was nothing I could do to comfort her, she kept right on crying, and it just ate on me all night.”
“It’s still eating at you now,” Kim told him, tapping her lip thoughtfully. “Do you have any idea why you had this dream?”
“No!” Clay moaned as he smacked the table with his hand. “I don’t understand it at all.”
Kim sighed. “I can’t help you… just feel for you.”
Clay smiled weakly. “Even that helps.” He was cheered when she too smiled. “Maybe I’ll say an extra prayer for her this morning, just in case. It’s probably nothing, but…”
“You’d rather be safe than sorry,” Kim responded, and Clay nodded. “I’ll say one too. She could use them for a safe trip.” She smiled again as her offer seemed to cheer him further. “Ready for this?” she queried softly.
He sighed deeply. “I know how much I’ve looked forward to finally meeting her. She’s all I think of any more.”
“Oh, yeah…” Kim nodded with a knowing expression. “You’re ready.”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
That same morning at
the
Kate fidgeted anxiously as she waited in the line to pass through the security gate. Sarah had seen her off a scant five minutes prior, but had already sent her several encouraging text messages in that last five minutes. Her dear roomie Sarah seemed to know exactly how terrified she was… and how tempted she was to change her mind and not get on that plane.
“Excuse me, miss. Would you step over here for a minute or two?”
At hearing the voice so close to her own location, Kate turned to see who was the unlucky passenger. Her eyes buldged when she saw the TSA officer in her crisp blue uniform looking directly at her. “I, uh, I… wh-what… is there a… uh… problem?”
The slender Hispanic lady gave her the ghost of a
smile. “I was hoping to find out; that’s
why I’m here. Would you please step over
here for a minute or two?
Her heart threatening to pound its way out of her chest, Kate emptied her pockets into the basket and stepped without incident through the scanning gate. She took back the basket with her pocket items and followed the TSA agent over to where she had placed Kate’s purse and carry-on bag. “S-So how can I… help you?”
The agent keenly looked her in the eye. “You can tell me why you look so terrified. Depending on how you answer, I may have more questions… or I may pass you on as no threat at all.”
Kate swallowed a sizable lump. Did it show that badly how nervous she was? “Do I really look scared to you?”
“Very,” the agent informed her. “Tell me about where you’re going and what you plan to do when you’re there.”
“W-Well… I’m going out to
The woman nodded, her own smile a little more obvious now. “I can tell; you seem genuinely fond of him. So why do you think you might be terrified? Is it your first flight?”
“No, I’ve – I’ve been abroad. I did a semester of study in
“I see,” the agent replied, her brow furrowing
studiously. “Did something happen on the
trip to
Unconsciously Kate began to tremble. “The flight was fine,” she said truthfully. “I’m not worried about the flight.” She forced a tight smile. “This is the first time my friend and I have met face to face. We’ve known each other for two years and he’s an absolute gem.”
The agent cocked her head to the side. “But you’re still afraid of something.” Seeing Kate wince slightly, she released her grip on the carry-on and instead gently grasped onto Kate’s wrist. “You say you’ve known him for two years. Only you know the reason why you’re afraid… and only you know if he really is someone you can trust. Your face tells me that you both care about him and trust him, and that he’s very good for you.” She squeezed Kate’s wrist gently. “But if someone else in your past hurt you so badly that you’re afraid to trust a good, honorable man who you care so much about…”
Unable to hold back her emotions, Kate began to cry. “I’m… fine. Really.”
“You wouldn’t be crying if you really were fine.” The Beatles’ song A Little Help From My Friends played from the depths of Kate’s purse, and the agent glanced down at it. “Is that a call you want to get?”
Kate rolled her eyes but smiled just a bit. “That’s my roommate, making sure that I actually get on this flight. She’s going to keep calling and keep texting until she knows for sure I’m on that plane.”
The agent’s eyebrows rose upward. “Obviously she thinks this guy is good for you too.” She handed Kate both her purse and her carry-on. “I know that I’m bending the rules a bit by not running your bags through the scanner… but after talking with you, I see you as no threat to the plane or the other passengers. Further questioning or searches would probably only rattle your nerves worse. If I were you, I’d find a way to thank that roommate of yours. She’s obviously looking out for you.”
“If I know her,” Kate answered, wiping the last tears from her cheeks, “she and my mother are both praying for me as well as bugging me.”
Again the agent smiled. “Well, if they think it’s good for you and he’s good for you, then I’ll add my prayers to theirs. What’s your name, sweetheart?”
“Kate.”
She nodded. “Tell your friends and your family that Agent Torres is praying for you too… for whatever you need. And enjoy your stay with your guy friend.”
“Thanks.” Kate moved on with her luggage, glancing back with bewilderment at the strangely understanding TSA agent. She had gotten off way too lightly at this woman’s hands. If a complete stranger was able to see right through her just by reading her body language, than Kate must have been more nervous than she realized.
Kate sat down in the lobby for her boarding gate, once again wrought with nerves to the point of fidgeting. In order to keep her hands from shaking, she pulled the videocamera she had received from Clay out of her purse to occupy them. It was a very good camera, compact with both video and still-photo features, and expandable memory. She still felt it was too extravagant as a gift, but Clay refused to take it back. At least she had been able to put it to good use, and anticipated getting some additional use out of it this week. On occasion she still used her original camera, which earned her ribbing from her beloved techno-geeks Andrew and Clay.
With surprise Kate realized that she felt a comforting
sensation, much like the blanketing hug Clay had once described to her when he
had asked her about prayers the night of his
The time before boarding passed quickly with everything that was on Kate’s mind, and soon they called for the passengers of her flight to begin lining up. Kate stood up and joined the others. Judging by the short queue, it was not going to be a full flight. When it was her turn Kate showed the counter agent her boarding pass, and was passed through to the entrance of the plane. She wheeled the carry-on through the aisle of the plane, knowing that it would be too tight to pull it off her back in those cramped quarters when she reached her seat. After returning the handle to its storage slot, Kate lifted the carry-on into the overhead bin and sat down. Placing her purse underneath the seat in front of her, she buckled in and sat back in her own seat.
Kate sighed thoughtfully. The worst of her tension was behind her now, but she couldn’t get the words of Sarah from last night and the words of Agent Torres from roughly a half-hour ago out of her mind. Clay was an amazing man, and she was privileged beyond belief to have his friendship and support. Whoever ended up as his wife would be someone to be both envied and pitied, Kate mused. She would have the heart of the most amazing man Kate knew of, but she would also have the biggest challenge of her life. Kate hoped that the woman would be strong enough to handle everything for both of their sakes. She knew that she wouldn’t be, unless God was willing to work some serious miracles in her life. Deep in thought, Kate sighed a second time. She couldn’t help wondering if she was making the right decision by taking this trip.
Wish to comment?
Never Lonely Again – Chapters 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | NLA main
Since mission work is such a big part of my heroine Kate's life, I am also going to put up a link to the web site for my Haiti 2001 Mission Trip.