In other news:  talked to Echo.  That female confounds Me.  But, that much still hasn't changed.  She wants to "do Christmas" again.  All I want for Christmas are straight answers...and in return, I will kiss her under a waterfall.  See?  I do pay attention.  As for Maxine...I hope she has a great Christmas.  Every year.  And has many many fat lil babies.  Yeah.  With loud ass toys, and maybe even Play-Doh in the living room. LIVING ROOM I SAY!!!
Whew...what was all that about?
 Eh.  Hmmmmm
I gotta go.  My brain hurts more than My back.  And My back hurts more than My heart.  And that is a fuckload dammit lot.
Sayonara

23 OCT  2005
    The chills.  River Tam gives Me the chills. Not the willies type chills. The good kinda chills.  Don't get Me wrong.  Summer Glau rocks My socks in only a way I thought Rachel Skarsten could.  But, her portrayal or River.  The way she moves.  Acts, speaks, and thinks.  Wow.  I get chills just seeing her on the screen.  Maxsonia type chills, like I used to get.  Makes Me all giddy and angry at the same time.  But hey, so does alot in life.  Saw a girl the other day disturbingly similar in appearance to what Max used to look like.  Don't know what she looks like now.  Who's fault is that?  Either hers, or her man's.  Damn sure ain't Mine.  Broke My back, and My mind to find a way, a way clear of all the feldercarb.  Not to be, was it little one?  Nope, 'spose not.  I am surprisingly less and less bitter about it.  The pain has changed.  Once, a longing, aching desire that manifested as a dull, empty hum.  Not so much now.  I have an anger, a seething, wronged anger.  I feel enmity, and loathing.  So, I have a hollow roar now.  My soul makes funny noises.  Maybe that should be a bumper sticker. MY bumper sticker.  Well, that or "I SLAP SLUTS LIKE YOU"
 
 
 

10 OCT 2005
Hmnmmm.  Not much is changing in life.  As per the usual.  I awake, I work, I sleep.  All the time.  So, why the consternation?  I would like a spot of change is why.  I would like just once, for a female to feel the way for Me that I feel for her.  And above all to be able to believe it.  Why do you women make it so hard for Me to trust you?  And don't gimme that "It's your problem" bullshit.  You can candy coat those words and fuck yourself with them.  It is you, or at least certain yous.  So, what gives?
    You know, overall, I shouldn't care.  I really shouldn't.  And you think by now I wouldn't.  But I do, and I also can't figure out when to stay down.  So here I go.  Woooo-Whooo.

24 SEP 2005
Yeah.  A whole frakkin month.  Had a hard time as of late packelating My thoughts and subsequent emotions.  What's new?
I should quit.  Everything.  Maybe I will.
 
 
 
 
 24 JUN 2005
    I am tired of it.  All of it.  I have chased and cajoled.  I have compromised, and waited.  Strategized, and sacrificed.  All for naught.  So: Breezy, and Echo, and Goose, and whomever else has a place that deep in my tiny shriveled little shattered heart.  I am done.  Things have to change.  So now they shall.  I am finished chasing.  If you wanted it, you would have let Me catch you.  No more lies, and deception.  No more awkwardness when I am around.  You aren't attracted to Me?  When you have something more original than that, let Me know.  Just say it.  I can take it.  You needn't lie, or 'omit details', or make Me feel like I am less important.  Don't tell Me you don't want to date ANYONE at all, then move in with someone.  I am fat, and dense, and unattractive, and many other things.  Stupid isn't one of them.  Goose, not much of this is directed your way.  You are forthright with Me.  I appreciate that.  But lately, after we said we'd spend more time together, and I can't even get a call returned?  Eh, I am probably just blowing it out of proportion.  I am good for that.  But, Apparently, not for much else.  Can you girls tell I am in pain?  That I am hurt?  Well, we can all thank goodness I don't explode.
    Until later.

2 JUN 2005
Thinking, too much.  I want.  What I want is a girl.  Age is unimportant, as my record shows.  Here is what's important: the seeming contradictions.  I want one that looks great in a dress, but can field strip an AK-47 (or any comparable rifle).  She must appreciate the heft of a bladed weapon, and be able to discuss temporal anomalies, and philosophy.  I want one that can go to a symphonic concert, or stargazing.  Someone possessed of a sense of humor ranging from dark to grotesquely perverse.  She musn't take herself too seriously, or me for that matter.  Magic player is a must.  I have, of late in my life, discovered a latent taste for submissive girls, and have discovered my penchant for enforcing my will, and perhaps punishment.  Never abuse, and she will realize it.  This was new to me, as I had always before sought an equal.  Sorry, Maxine. You were very nearly my equal, and ultimately, seems you were smarter than I.  So, no more equality.  Fairness yes, but not equality.  So, what DO I want?  Weel, find a perfect angel, peel her wings off, and toss her my way.
 

31 MAY 2005
        Yeah, I am still alive.  you Klingons just coudn't kill me, could you?  Oh, what??  Sorry, wrong conversation.
But, that aside, I am still here.  The number 3572 mean anything to you?  Eh, I am not so sure myself.  I know what 3720 is.  It is the odds of successfully navigating an asteroid field.  Put that in your pipe and smoke it.  I know, I am rambling.  But i have so much shit on my mind.....nonsense is the only thing that makes sense. And the chick from Six Pence none the Richer is a hottie-boomba-lottie.  Yeah, I said that.  Eat me.  Not you, chickie baby...you can lick.  GAAA-ROWL!!
        Fuck it.  I am destined for misery.  Other than that, I am done with it.  The lies, the deception.  I have no time nor nerve for it.  Balls out now.  Uh-Huh, Marv said it best.  The all or nothing days.  They're back.  That was a paraphrase, of course.  Since it isn't blood for blood.  No, no killing here.  Not physically anyhow.
 

26APR2005
        Happiness...and yes, we are going to talk about it AGAIN.  I was kibbutzing with the crew the other night, and I was told something staggering.  Most all of them believe that I, at my core, do not want to be happy.  Hmmm, lets ponder.  <system in ponder mode...active>
So, I have been happy.  Excruciatingly, blindingly, stupifyingly happy.  Beyond all reason or doubt. Blissful.  It was rapturous.  Did I enjoy it?  Most certainly.  Do I want it again?  Yep.  Am I scared?  Hell yes. See, as you may or may not know (and if you don't, you don't know me) it was taken from me.  I was violated, every molecule of me, and ruined.  So, at my core, I fear any happiness I experience is suspect.  All of it is fair game for me to lose.  If I stay on the floor, however, I can't fall any farther.  Is that healthy?  No, not at all. I suppose I am tired of being lied to.  But, in the end, who cares.
<ponder mode...inactive: standby>
        That was fun, huh?  Lets do it again!! Well, we shall, but much later.

15APR2005
        Was talking to a friend earlier, and got kinda heavy with the metaphysical.  I was talking about wanting to "win" at things.  And she asked me "Do you feel like it is owed to you?"    I have never felt like any amount of happiness was owed to me.  It isn't. Some people are happy, and others are miserable.  I told her that all anyone was owed was misery.  She dinna like that at all.  So, that brings me to my thing.....is this the person I am again?  Believing in misery as my given state?  I think it is.  Perhaps I am comfortable with my misery.  I have still the emptiness in me every single day.  You may or may not know it.  The deep, dark unfathomable misery and hollow that sits and idly claws at your soul.  The one that pipes up every once in a while, to offer such helpful advice as "Why bother?" and "She's too good for you anyway."  Yeah, Miss Erry is a jealous lover.  So, I might as well accept it, since the evidence abounds.  It seems I shall never be truly accepted as the being I am, and I cannot change.  I am, once again, certain of my solitude.  At least at the bottom, I can fall no farther.

08APR2005
        Yeah, I am a wierd dude.  I am now worried about Echo.  Unsure about what she has gotten herself into.  Unsure of just how long she lied to me.  Not that it matters or mattered.  I am feeling a little like Arthur Dent.  I think I should just wake up from all of this at some point.  Not that I will.  Who cares.  I am also worried about all kinds of stuff.
        But, I am looking forward to my planes.  My photos.  But there again, got a dead camera.

16MAR2005
    Last night, I dreamt of San Pedro...and for once, once in my life as of late, I am having a good day, even a good week....kinda.  As you may or may not know, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is coming out in it's latest incarnation: Major Motion Picture.  So, with that knowledge, and since I got this old, and never read it, I went and bought the Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.  Good, good good stuff.  you must read it.  It's like having a chunk of my head opened.  I am very much enjoying it.  See, I have a standing rule about these things.  I can't see the movie until I have read the book.  So, in my research, I am also watching the mini-series, and listening to the radio show.  All very funny.  Had a good day at work, and my life is, alowly, congealing into a mass of not-so-depressed.  And that plane of existence I once mentioned? The one I made for her?  I collapsed it.  Pulled the plug, and watched it drain into a singularity.  Wasn't as painful as I had thought it would be.  And she will never ever know it.  She had forsaken me, so what did it matter?  Took me long enough to realize it.  I am slow to realize those things.  See, hope can only cause pain.  Speaking of, I have realized that yet another has done pretty much the same.  Is there an Echo in here????  Well, not anymore.  Well, until next time, keep your towel handy.

09MAR2005
    The Bloodhound Gang absoloutly slays me.  Today, work sucked enough ass to get a liposuction award.  But, I came thru it all, with enough shit piled up around me to last into the middle of next week, perhaps beyond.  Does it matter?  Not really.  I have good music, good books, model kits, internet porn, good friends, a very complicated life to boot.  Got no idea what I am doing.  Been decieved, and used, and in the great scheme of things, none of it matters.  Odd that, in a situation where I still have no vested interest, and the outcome is of little or no consequence to me, I am still angry about being lied to in the past regarding that aforementioned situation.  Well, there are actually two of them, and you ladies shall remain nameless.  But, If you know me really well, and drop the codeword/codephrase, I will spill my guts.  And you may be amazed.  Or, you will most likely just laugh.  I do.  After I am done plotting and cultivating my hate, I laugh.  Why is it funny?  Those are sections of my life that were plowed under, and I will never get them back.
    But, oddly, as I look back on them, and the physical reminders I have to keep the wound open (and there are alot of those artifacts laying around) I understand.  It is funny because even though I failed, they are now a part of me.  Much like the Kurlan Naiskos, I am a whole of many parts.   And who knew the Kurlan were really ancient Trill??  I was surprised, but not all that much.  So, here I am, an amlgam of my failures.  But, I am not sorry for most of it.  I would do a great deal over again, had I the chance and foreknowledge to maximize my returns.  And if I could, as soon as it happened, called them out on the untruths.  Oh well, such is life.  Until next time: Keep your panties un-knotted.

08FEB2005
    Yessirebob.  Did it again.  Seems that my cathartic expulsion here has cost me.  What did it cost?  Not sure yet.  I hate to call what must be done "damage control", but there is no other word.  I have long kept all my little worlds separate.  I thought I might be able to bleed a little of one to another, and relieve some pressure.  May still can.  Who knows.  Maybe I was a fool to think it.  Maybe time for this world to end.  I have thought of that.  Just reaching up , and snuffing the light.  Who needs it, right?  Has any of this helped at all?  Well, yes, it has.  I may just need to create another world.  Take a shard of my sanity, and carve a new existence.  I can...but should I?

19JAN2005
Yep, birthday came and went.  So what.  Another year in the shitter.  Like I should even care anymore.  I keep telling myself to pull up.  All my friends and family keep telling me that things will work out.  Life gets better.  Well, it does end.  Everything else between the end and beginning just seems like crap at times.  I try to be optimistic, then life shit-slaps me in the face.  I try not to care, then I get all "Never Quit" on myself.  I would like to have some inkling of what I am supposed to do.
 

01JAN2005
And here we are, a whole new year.  Any different from last year?  Probably not.  Same crap, different year.  Having a down day.  Not sure why.  But i do know I am tired of all the fucking crap in my life.  Top of it?  Yep, you guessed it. Maxine.  WTF?!?  I know it was only a few months of our lives, but seriously.  Okay, so 0.54% of one's life really doesn't matter.  That is an opinion.  For me, Maxine, Breezy, whoever; those 60 days were all the lifetime I had with you.  And I felt it as a beginning.  You, have made it an end.  An end to all that was.  Sure, lots of my angst is due to all that.  Yes, you got in.  When noone else could.  And now, very few ever will again.  But, that is my fault.  Yeah, everyone says you are the villain.  Everyone on your end says you are the victim.  Does he even know?  What does he know?  Did he...does he care?  Does he hold you when you cry?  Do you still cry?  Or like me, relegated that human indulgence to the same wasteland as my heart?  I have so, so many questions.  How do you look.  I have not gazed upon you for 72 months.  It matters not, i suppose.   But did it ever?  Are you all that matters with me?  No.  You are important, but not that deeply.  You are the seed, the indicator.  You are part of my problem.  You were once my final solution.  Who took you?  Who reached their grubby, stinky, filthy, fucking claws into my life...MY LIFE...and ripped it apart?  Yes.  Of course you are right.  You are so insightful, Maxine.  That doesn't matter either.  Which brings me to the crux of my matter.  After I take it all apart, and strip it down.  What does matter?  Did you?  Did I?  Does he?  Does anyone?  Fuck it.  Will another ever matter to me in the way that forces light and song back into my hollow soul?  I do hope.  And i keep the hope buried deep, deeper even than the darkeness.  The darkness of the shadow formed by your removal, and forged by your denial.
So, here I am.25DEC2004
Firstly, Merry Christmas.  Hope everyone had a good one.  I did, for the most part.  Except for rethinking Christmas 1998, and having my primary camera shit the bed on me.  Yeah, that was nice.  I suppose that is supposed to build character.  Fuckit.  Got enough character.  As for the past Christmas.  You remember that one, right Maxine?  You received a very special gift.  Not that any of that matters now, or even mattered then.  Just cast it to the winds.  I shouldn't care.  I need to not care.  But i do.  Is that killing me?  Yes.  how?  Slowly.  N-E-WAYS, here i am in the now.  I never ever (hardly) feel like something is owed to me.  But maybe something is.  And, you guessed it, here is where i reveal bitterness.  it is just one more thing i will never get.

09DEC2004
Well, that last thought-post was uber morbid, eh?  Some things have changed, and some have not.  I am alone, and will continue to be.  That is not likely to change at all.  What of it?  Nothing.  I have been proven time and time again, that my theory is holding true.  I am not purposed for another.  I am apparently unfit.  Is it my rage, my darkness, or what I am capable of?  Who knows?  I might.  But I won't tell.  And the sad thing is, in the utter, bleak and blasted landscape of the world I once had, there is nothing.  Much like Serra, and Glacian and Rebbec...I forged my own plane.  Took my will as a tool, and pushed the fabric of mental existence open to accomodate my design.  And now it is forfeit.  My muse, my angel.  Never to return.  And when all of that was for her...why let it continue in her absence?  It is just a dark and empty place now.  A cold wind always blows when I find myself there.  I feel it closing, perhaps collapsing.  The plane itself knows it is over.  I push back, and try to maintain a semblance of cohesion.  What if?  What if it is needed?  What if the sun that she was and is would shed her light and warmth once again on that high, dark place?  Would the wind slow to a breeze?  Will the flowers bloom again?  Or will she dive close, and with disdain scorn the place I set aside for us?  Will her warmth turn to torch, and sear what dormant life there is into oblivion?  Perhaps the darkness should have it, and do with it as it will.....

09NOV2004
Had a moment today.  Took a little time in my personal meditation, and did something overdue.  I cracked open the darkness.  The darkness i keep inside, buried deep.  Pulsing like a dead heart.  I can always feel it.  The despair, the edge of utter failure.  It is powerful.  See, i realized that I am caught in a flame that i cannot extinguish, but it cannot consume me, either.  So we dance.  I and the flame.  It fuels the darkness.  I let the darkness run through me today.  I immersed myself in it...  why not?  There is precious little else I can immerse myself in.  Much like a spiders web, the harder you try to fight it, the worse you get stuck.  So, i am succumbing.  Becoming the darkness, maybe?  Who knows.  But i will know soon, and only I.  Noone has chosen to walk this path with me.  So what?  I wasn't surprised.  Born alone, die alone.  That is my purpose.  I walk alone, i walk nonetheless.  Companionship along this path will only hurt the other traveller, and I am destined to hurt noone else.  So be it.  Damn me.

10OCT2004
Seems to me, some people, honestly, most of them;  they think I am this good person.  That I am loyal, and sweet, and kind.  I always know where the boundaries are, and play by the rules.  I will be the consummate gentleman.  Always respect others, and put myself last.  My happiness is secondary.  And, to a degree, they have  been right.  But, what if, just once, i decided to be happy, and fuck everything else?  Would that make me the bad guy?  Well, guess what...I am a bad person.  I lie to women, just like they lie to me.  I would use them, just as they use me.  And have no remorse.  I harbour hate, and enmity to others.  There are grudges years old I am just awaiting the correct moment to fulfil.  So, i am not a good person.  Don't delude yourselves anymore.  I am vile, and evil.  Perhaps, If i were to start whippin bitches down flights of stairs, they would stay.  This fucking bullshit kills me.

28SEP2004
And again, here I sit.  I was thinking today.  I am dying.  Right now.  And soon.  What do I tell everyone?  Echo: Thanks for an interesting last year.  You will be missed.  Eclipse: It was great when we were together, and I am sorry we didn't have more.  Breezy:  Thank you for what I thought we had.  I am just sorry I was so very wrong about you.  Lily: WTF?  Casper:  Sorry we lost touch.  I miss you, and always will.  I hope you're eternally happy.  Echo:  What can I say, I tried...
There will be more...as always

11SEP2004
    Yeah, yeah...been a while.  Not a whole helluva lot to ramble about.  Echo is returning.  That makes me teh happy.  With so many hurricanes...and I am a worry wart as it is.  So, that is good.  Maxine still won't properly communicate.  Nice to know that after all this, all of this; I mean and meant nothing.  Thanks for fucking nothing.  Is that outta line?  Perhaps.  But, she will never see it, so what do I care?  Fuckitall.  ON a lighter note...my airshow enjoyment is about to blossome one last glorious bit. Three more shows, then I have to wait for the 2005 season.  So, i have that to look forward to.  Good things.  Anyway....more later.....

21AUG2004
Any questions, concerns?  Ahhh, yes.  I have one.  What the hell am I doing?  Answer...no idea.  And prolly never will.  But, I keep doing what I do.  So, now Echo is gone...for like a month or more.  Sucks to be me.  And now...there is this other stuff.  Stuff I have waited 2027 days for.  Just to see her, and talk; like we used to.  Well, not exactly like we used to.  The we I once knew is dead.  She was taken.  Taken, and most likely dead to me.  I am sure the me that was is dead to her.  Life, when emptied, is usually refilled, with alternate contents.  Not mine.  No.  Mine was empty for so so long.  And then filled  only with darkness.  And a hunger.  But, much like a value sized bag of Skittles...I'll save that for later.

27JUL2004
    Was reading the ramblings of an old old friend.  Seems she likes to think of love as a game.  I disagree.  Love is war.  Primal, passionate, war.  Sacrifice for a goal.  Desire, burning your insides until it consumes.  Swearing yourself to your loved one, being deterred by nothing.  Unwavering loyalty.  And in all this, I am capable of all things.  Why, you may ask?  And am I glad you did.  For I am capable due to the sacrifice that is the very core of my programming.  I am secondary.  I am unimportant.  I am worthless.  I exist for the mission.  The goal is the penultimate cause, my schwerpunkt.  And for my desires, my goals, I am willing to sacrifice.  To die if necessary.  And more.  I am willing to keep my distance from the very thing completing me.  If it is her wish, my distance is what she gets.  And by serving my love in that capacity, I am acheiving my goal.  Certainly, it hurts.  Hurts beyond compare to willingly (or unwillingly for that matter) stay your hand.  But, you cannot contradict the depth of sacrifce and devotion required for such an act.  It is a Catch-22.  And I am Yossarian.

23JUL2004
    Happy.  Beyond reason or explanation.  It defies logic, as happiness always does.  I am a better person with her.  There are times when I realize the hate and rage I harour in my soul diminish, even dissipate when I am around her.  And that is a good thing.  She brings out the good in me, for the first time in years.  The caretaker, the provider, the protector.  All the things i want to be.  To be there, and be needed.  Certainly, it is friendship, and that is what she wants, needs, and agreed to.  I am attracted, and invested int her, and she knows.  And she has no problem with it.  I have, however, agreed with her not to pursue a relationship.  Why would I agree to such a thing?  I care too much not to.  To have to separate after so much, and forsake her?  No, I cannot.  So, I have these feelings, and she does not.  What else is new? Love, for me, is frequently a one-way street.   However, my own feelings are not dependant on hers.  So, I will persevere.  Why not?

21JUL2004
Thought it might help me (and you) if i cathartically put the noise in my head in public:
She really doesn't care.  Concentrate.  Youare not in pain.  It will pass.  You are just friends.  Focus.  It was all for nothing, but you did learn.  Mind what you have learned.   Accept your life, stop trying to change it.  You will not win.
    And, oddly enough, i think it may have helped.  Those are the things i have running thru my head daily.  Oh, there are more, many more, but those are the most often repeated.   And guess what, reality sucks.  I almost wish that mid December 1999 would have gone differently.  But then, I wouldn't be the man I am now, and she wouldn't be the she is today.  The happy littel swing-dancing thing she is.  But she taught me things.  I learned from her, as I do all my failures.  I learned some BIG fuckin lessons, too.  And thank you, Breezy...you have helped me glimpse what it is I am capable of.  Whether that is good or bad, we don't know yet.  But, there is good from it, I am sure.  I know my capacity for stand-by.  And Echo may need that, so thanx again.  Until next time, don't take any candy from strangers, and Breezy...drive safe on the 21st.  ;)

14JUL2004
Been wild in my head as of late.  Lots going on...some of it classified.  Eitherway....
Furrypaloza MkII:  Had fun.  MOst people left early.  Not quite as good as the last one.  But fuck it.  I had fun.  There was a good turn out.  Echo is feeling better.  She and I were on the road the other day when I saw a sign on the side of the road.  At the sight of the sign, i realized that the only difference between the words Laughter and Slaughter is the S.  hOw creepy is that?  I enjoyed it.  And the second time in a row...we got rained on leaving the mall in Rocky Mount.  What is up with that?  Coincidence?  Divine Planning?  Weatheristic Conspiricy?  Who knows?  I am just enjoying every second now.

09JUL2004
Well, on the eve of Furrypalooza.  Spoken to Echo, and she doesn't feel well.  I hate for her to be in pain...at times, my feelings for her cause a confliction and canflagration of emotional responses.  But, right now, I would not trade it for anything.  On another note...the Palooza.  Hope to have a lil fun.  Good friends, nice fire, people walking in the fire.  Hot damn.

02JUL2004
Ever notice that there are some things you are not destined to have?  No amount of begging or devotion, or hardship nor toil nor strife.  Nope can't have it.  Doesn't matter if you are good, or bad.  Pretty or ugly.  If it ain't in the cards, you ain't getting it. If you haven't guessed by now, it is happiness of which I speak.  And I know a thing or two about not getting it.  See, i have hade more instances of getting shit on than being happy.  So fuck it.  It comes down to this.  There are some people that are supposed to be happy, and others that aren't.  Now now, don't get me wrong.  I am happy.  I am content.  Do I exist in a state of rapturous bliss?  No.  Should I?  Apparently not.  There is one thing that has come to pass in my life as of late that ahs made me excruciatingly happy.  And I am thankful for that.  But there is more.  There is always more.  This recent advent could've led to a truly rapturous occasion.  I am capable of so much more for this.  I am equipped (an no, not just physically) and prepared.  But i am made to stand down.  I have prepared for this moment for seven months.  And at Zero Hour, against all hope and common sense, I asked for the green light.  What the fuck was I thinking.  It was as if the Fates, The Muses, and the Universe itself leaned in to my ear, and said "What?  You don't remember your place?  Well...here it is."
    And so...I am content with it to a degree.  Will this diminish what I have?  No.  Will this overshadow the accomplishments of the past week?  No.  Would I take it back?  No.  Could I have done it differently?  Oh, hell yes.  But, time for us is a unilinear progression.  I can do nothing now but reinforce the things that make me who I am, and who I am to her.  As little as that may be, or as much as that may be...it is who I am.

22JUNE
    Now that that's outta the way...  I am learning more and more about myself as the days go by.  NOt that we all don't, but I realized that I am learning and changing.  Emotionally, for example.  My first, automatic response to most stimuli is anger, then rage.  Why?  Because I am a bad person.  I am a pariah, meant to act as the lightning rod for other's evils.  Yeah, it's a tough job...but somebody's gotta do it.  I am not alone because of something I did.  For decades I thought that.  No more.  There are two reasons I am alone.  1)  I am a malevolent person unworthy of love, and undeserving of compassion.  2) It's not my problem, it is the women.  See, even Adolf Hitler had a beautiful woman.  And the was the amoebic shit from pond scum.  So, bad people have good things happen to them.  Just not me.  So what?  I almost don't even care anymore.  If it happens, it happens.  I am getting comfortable inside the darkenss of my soul.  But I still try to shed light on it.  We'll see.

16JUNE
Back again, its the incredible:  Rhyme animal., no, wait, that was somebody else's intro.  Sorry.
    Brighter notes:  Furrypalooza was a blast.  A good time was had by all.  Plans are in the mix for a second one.  Already, the critics are raving:

18May
Yessiree, gotta start dating the entries.  Why don't I just use my Livejournal?  Well, NOBODY reads this page.  So, i can just, well....ramble.  Ok, peep this.  Furrypalooza '04.  It is set for 29May.  Want tickets?  Tough shit, there are no tickets.  Anyway....time for something to blow up in my face.  Yeah, here we go.  Maxine has said that we may be able to see each other in a "few weeks."  Guess when that will prorbably be?  Man, you are QUICK!!  Also, spoke to Echo, and invited her.  Will she go?  89% probability that she will not.  But she may surprise me.  The only way she will is if she, Maxine and Lily are all there.  I will have officially, and in grand style, shit in my hat!  But what to do?  Fuck it, do what I do best.  Damn the torpedoes, and close my eyes.  Did you know that recently, there was an air-to-air mock combat involving the F/A-22 and the F-15.  It was 5 vee 1.  Thats right, FIVE Eagles versus ONE Raptor.  It was said that the whole engagement lasted 3 minutes.  In 180 seconds, the Raptor ID'd, pounced and shredded ALL FIVE Eagles.  It was also said that the Eagles couldn't even find the Raptor with radar.  So it was like shooting fish in a bucket for the Raptor.  DAMN!  And I get to see both this weekend.  BTW, thats averaging a kill every 36 seconds.

    See that next entry there, that was written on 10May.  It is now 14May.  Update, since I have been conflicted this week.  Well, no Phoebe, and no answer from Echo.  But , at least a touch of contact from....MAXINE!!  Can you fucking believe it?  Just when I was sure that I hade my answers, from her lack of contact. No, she has to let me know she still remembers me.  Honestly, it made the hairs on my arms and neck stand up.  I almost don't know how to react.  More later.

    Alright...  News, how about that?  Yeah, we all like news.  Phoebe.  Thats right, I sed Phoebe.  Haven't seen her in years.  Possibilities exist that I may see her or at least hear from her on 13May.  We shall see.  I hardly know what to say.  See, in this like everything else, I am sure I look back and see something completely differetn that she does.  So what?  So, this is the sitrep.  Echo, echo.  My sweet Echo.  Haven't made contact in over a week.  She probably thinks she's off the hook.  Nope.  Not by a long shot.  Maxine.  Where fore art thou, Maxine.  Y'know.  The more i find out, the more i think she is an entirely differetn person now.  Who cares, right?   Kremer cares, that's who.  He trips me out.  BTW, Jon, embrace the darkness.   Also, there is the whole "Lily Endeavour".  I have no fucking clue as to what i am doing.  So, i keep doing it.

    Here's a little poser for you.  When are humans more effective?  When they care or don't.  Hear me out.  I am not talking about the slacker mindset of not caring.  I am talking about the casting your lot to the winds not caring.  Staring a threshold moment in the face, and damning the torpedoes.  See, when a human cares a great deal about the outcome of the situation, they are dedicated to the resolution.  Yes, dedicated, but slow, and  precise.  They tend to handle everything very delicately.  Suppose for an instant, the same human, in the same moment realizes that ALL systems tend towards entropy.  The situation will resolve one way or the other.  Certainly, the not caring is alittle more reckless.  But, much more effective.  The human will ignore pain, sleep, nourishment and all other stimuli external to the situation.  In both cases, the main constant is caring about the successful resolution of the situation.  The dissimilarity is in the collateral considerations.  Sometimes, it is just easier to embrace the entropy.

so close.  Outwardly, i seem calm, cool and collected.  In my mind, i am pacing like a caged animal.  The anticipation of a resolution (hopefully a good one) is simultaneously exhilarating and draining.  I will have my answers in about four days.  Man, that is a long way from 1825 days, huh?  You damn straight it is.

Ya know, I find it funny that both Penny and Echo express interest with an extracurricular activity with the Furrmeister, yet
neither have actually gone out with me.  I suppose that you could count the two lunch dates with Echo, but i'd have to ask her if they did count.  I just gotta be careful with both.  I think baby's got a temper.  Well, they all seem interested in the beginning.  But that soon fades.  Sad that.  For now, I do what I do best.  Carry on.  Just keep on keepin' on, till i don't have to.  Why not?
On a completely unrelated note, SIX DAYS AND A WAKEUP.  yessireebob.  I am through the week barrier.  Also of note.  There are many questions.  Some do not have answers, and some answers should not be found.  If you are willing to dig for the truth, or at least the answers, prepare to have your entire fucking world spun on your ear, and dropped on your head.  I am getting advice to walk away.  to leave well enough alone, and cut my losses.  Perhaps...perhaps i should take everyone's advice, and my own as well.  Or not.  I could always find out.  But nothing goes back to normal, or the what it was once I open THAT door.   It is a path that will lead to whoknowswhere, and can't be reversed.  Don't get me wrong.  I am not taking this lightly.  If you happen to read this, and have no clue as to what I am rambling about, get in line.  If you do know, then you also know I am going to go through with it.  I am also going to have my nads stomped on.  Repeatedly.  I feel pain coming, and lots of it.  There ain't no two ways about it.  This will not be pretty.  But I can't find it in me to turn my back on it, or her.  See, I am a man of integrity.  I do not expect anyone to understand me on the following.  I made certain promises.  Whether anyone expects me to keep them, or wants me to, I must try.  If I promise, I will do my damnedest.  I do not make promises easily or lightly.  She knows.  And whether she keeps hers is not a condition of me keeping mine.  Will this break me?  Most likely.  But can what is broken be broken more?  No.  So, in a way, I have nothing to lose.  I tried everything else.  I tried to live, and to forget, and to forgive.  But that isn't always in the cards, is it.  So, in a week, we shall see.  The crucible is being cast as we speak, and noone knows the outcome.

SITREP:
Echo:  She's back.  I dunno what happened with her, or how she's doing.  I just know I am worried.  It all started out with such promise.
Penny:    Yep, new chic.  I asked her out, and I crap you negative, she acted like she had won the fucking lottery.  If that matters i dunno.  I guess I will find out.                  No news yet, but just watch me burn.
Maxine:    Approximately 10 days until the teeter-totter of the ages tips its balance either for or against me.
ASSESSMENT:  BRACE FOR IMPACT!!
And, you know, if I could just get straight answers from any of the above redheads I would be in dammit business.
    As for now, its oh so quiet.

Here we are all again, well, at least me, anyway.  Down to 24 days and a wake-up.  Just a lot of anticipation right now, not yet excitement.  If i had a fuckin clue about what was gonna go down, i might get excited.  As it stands now, i could be in for the fight of my life.  Back to Echo.  Really worried about her.  There is so much i do not know.  And still I am concerned for her.  Hell, i can't explain it.  If i could i could explain alot more.  Still, i am worried.  She is up for another battery of tests for two more weeks.  I hope and pray that she is alright.  I just wish i could do more for her.  I guess i am gettin attached.  So, what's new.  I get attached either to the right girl/wrong time, or wrong girl/right time.  Just once, ONCE, i want something to go my way.  Is that so wrong?  No, it is human nature.

ok THEN.  Got 31 days.  Getting antsy.  Not really sure what to do.  On another note.  Dilemma.  Friend/Interest of mine went to the hospital last week.  Echo.  See, I am still unsure how to handle our situation.  I don't want to scare her away, or hurt her, and i get so little feedback.  Perhaps it is time.  Oh, you know damn well what time.  DAMN THE TORPEDOES!! time.  Full speed ahead, and burn the bridges on the other side.  Could i be making a mistake?  Hell yes.  I have made many more, so I wouldn't be surprised.  So what.

Lotsa time passed.  SITREP: Echo.  I dunno what's going on with this chic.  Yes, there are issues.  But why is it that lately every girl/woman/female i have chased has either completely flaked on me, or just bitched out?  I can come to only one conclusion.  There is something wrong with me.  If it were rare, or odd, I'd be able to lay blame elsewhere.  But no, the only constant is me, ergo, I am the problem.  Does it bother me?  A little I guess.  But I do appreciate you asking.  Either way, in 52 days, much will change.  Hopefully I will have my answers.  The question is, when I have my answers, can I live with them?  You get a disease.  Someone gives you a syringe.  You are not told the contents, only that it will do one of tow things.  It will either eradicate every trace of the disease from your body, and provide you with an immunity.  OR, it will break down your immune system, letting the disease kill you slowly and agonizingly.  AS it is, the disease may take years to kill you, but it will, and in one painful day.  So, take the syringe or not.  There is no half-measure.  All or nothing.  I got 52 days to mull it over.
Yep, more of the Echo Situation.  It is driving me nuts.  I don't even have this chick's last name.  She is giving me such the run around.  But, I am too stubborn to stop.  Just fuckin once, I want a girl that doesn't want me around to just say so.  No excuses.  No answers like "When I work, I don't go out that night."  Just say, "No, cause you're repulsive."  I can take a hint, I just don't want to.  I need to have the answer.  I am supposed to have lots of answers coming my way in 90 days.  We'll see.

Again, two weeks later.  "The Echo Situation" continues.  I dunno what I'm doing.  Exciting.  Having a hard time reading her, and the lay of the land.  But, a chase is almost always fun.  The girl is a mystery wrapped in a puzzle.  Day by day, that is the way.  There are also inconsistencies.  Those should be fun to unravel.

So, here we all are, over a week from the last ramble.  See, in that last entry, I was flapping my gums about this chick.  I usually don't use Full names, or real ones.  We'll call her Echo for now.  And I do have a reason for that name for her.  So, anyway.  Me and Echo had a decent time.  We at least seemed to have a lot in common.  I had a good time, anyway.  So, I am asking her to go out again.  I tried the go-outta-town thing, the movie thing, the dinner thing, the come-over-and-play-cards thing.  Nothing.  However, she keeps saying that we will definitely spend time, and get to know each other.  See, that is all I ask.  Other people, that THINK they know me, postulate that I want to jump straight into an intimate relationship.  I don't know Echo well enough, nor do I trust women enough.  So, here am I, after more mixed signals today.   Asked her out, got shot down.  But, she says we will do something together.  When?  Who knows.  Sure, she is shy, and quiet.  But, what did I do?  I asked her if I was aggravating her, she said no.  I asked if I was annoying her with all the offers, and she said no.  Echo, what the hell is the problem?!?!?!?  Perhaps this is the return of First Date Furry.

La La, La, La; La.  Ding.  Warm it up.  Hell, seen her milkshake?  I'd be one of the boys in the yard.  Life is so funny.  I was hanging out with Weezy and Phrkshw the other night, and their offspring, Mya.  She is so cute.  Babies are such a trip.  It is almost hard to fathom that we all started as two cells.  The genetic programming is staggering.
 

So, me and the crew went and got fitted for our tuxes today.  I am gonna be one dead-sexy beast.  I'll probably look like a cross between James Bond and Dom DeLouise.  It'll be a hoot!!  On a lighter note, the Worthy Delta Cooler should be visiting soon.  It will be good to see him, and his wife.  Everybody around me is married, getting married, or dating seriously it seems.  Then, there's me.  Alone.
    But, hey.  We are born alone, and die alone.  Why not live alone?  Humans seem to need companionship and relationships.  If we all need it the same, why doesn't everyone have it?  Perhaps some are wired differently than others.  I am possibly one of those.  At times I feel I am the antithesis of the "relationship man."  Other times, I am Uber-Boyfriend.  I am romantic, kind, caring, nurturing and attentive.  I love, am loved, and write poetry.  Then, there is the dark side.  I am also just as likely to switch gears, call my woman useless, beat her, and push her down the stairs.  It seems that is what women want these days.  Maybe that is just from the small sampling, but others have seen the same trend.  Sure, they all say ,"I want a sweet guy".  But, when there's slaps'em around, they won't leave.  They love them MORE.  Fuck that.  I give up.  I was once told that I had the KISA Complex (Knight In Shining Armor).  So much for that.  Some people can't be saved.  And the ones that can have to at first realize it, then want to be saved.  But guess what?  I am using up most of my reserves just to keep me on an even keel.  So, I am off the clock.  Save yourselves.

Been a long time gone....now i'm back.  Better than ever.  Gotta knack, for makin' things better.  Well, notsomuch.  To hell with it.  On the bright side.  The Isabel Damage Cleanup is progressing, and most everyone was unhurt.  MANY were inconvenienced.  Few did not complain.  I was one of the few.  No power, but had a generator.  No cable, but had running water.  There were alot less fortunate than I.  For once in my life, I felt lucky.  God smiled on me, as if to say, "See, it can happen to anybody."  And I thank him every day.  See, I was deathly afraid of losing the house.  That did not happen.  Not even any structural damage.  Just some cosmetic.  And the farm.  Two trees down.  No structural damage to the house.  So, all you atheists can go to hell.  And you just might.  Just look at a sunset, or a snowflake.  Tell me there is no God.  He is everywhere.  Look at the human body.  Marvelous isn't it?  No, I mean really study it.  If you want, get in touch with me, and you and I will straighten all the theology out.  And, by the by.  I have the answer to the Creation/Evolution question.  No.  Really.  I DO.  And i will share it with all willing to listen with an open mind.  That goes for the God-Pounders too.  I LOVE LIFE.  I also have the secret to life.  Keep looking.   I will post it soon........
 

So, here I sit, nothing in particular on my mind.  Just thinking.  I was wondering how many people I have met in my lifetime.  At times, a completely random memory of a long-gone acquaintance is re-activated.  I today just thought of Britta.  No, not the water filter.  This cute little sorority girl  met in Atlanta probably 8 years ago.  Damn, that was a long time.  Why does she come to mind?  Who knows, and who cares?  Not me.  Not in the least.  The human mind is not something I want to try to figure out in one night.  Piss on it.  Know something else?  I really like TV.  Just recently, I discovered how much.  I really enjoy sitcoms.  My life doesn't suck as much when they are on.  I have a pretty well-adjusted life by comparison.  That's nice.  I like nice.  Especially nice touches.  Thanks Amy.  That was swell.  I always like it when other people amuse ME.  I am so frequently the entertainer, it is good to laugh at others from time to time.  I also think I am going to die, and soon.  I ate 1 1/2 poptarts today, and looked down, and saw this wispy mold culture.  That was around 7:45 or 8:00 AM.  It is now 11:32pm (23:32 hours) and I have had the runs for a solid hour.  And now I am cramping.  Knowing the speed of the human digestive tract, I do not feel that the two are related.  I just wanted the world to read about my excretory functions.  It makes me feel superior.  No, really, I am in fucking pain!!!!  Gotta go!  Back, did ya miss me?  Of course not.  I know that while 15 minutes passed for me, zero time passed for you, gentle readers.  HAHHAHHAHHHAHH, for mine is an evil laugh.

Listening to NIN.  Heard a little lyric.  Lyric.  Hmmmm Lyric?  Do you think that would be a cool name for my daughter?  Providing I ever have such.  Anyway.  The lyric: "The me that you know doesn't come around much"  It is amazing how many times I have heard those words, and never have they had the mental impact as now.  It occurs to me that I am not the same as I was even a year or two ago.  Sure, I look the same on the outside (with the thinning hair) but the internals are nowhere near the same.  My world view, my, my everything.  And you know something else.  Not many people would know.  Less would care.  I don't care.  Change is the only constant.  Yet, as I change, i resent it.  I am not changing for the better. I am not changing to survive.  I am just changing.  I do not like some of the changes.  Some I relish.  I will let you in on a little secret.  I am a bitter, spiteful, hateful old man.  My changes are making me more so.  That I  like.  I embrace the dark side of human nature.  Sure, we all like the light.  But the light is fleeting.  And once it goes away,  the dark is always there, waiting.  Ever notice you have to turn a switch to bring the light, but the dark always happens just the same.  I am becoming more dark as time passes.  Pain is a big reason.  Not just emotional, but mental and physical.  I am in constant pain.  Lifes a bitch, isn't it??

    You know what?  The more I experience of life on this rock, the less I like it.  There are good things.  Like Russian Techno.  My latest "thing".  There are bad things.  Like, apparently, me.  It is you women.  What the hell kinda vibe do I put off to you.  Whenever I meet someone new, on of the first things they tell me is something about NOT wanting to date me.  Well, at least let me find out your last name before you shoot me down.  And another thing.  Why do you tramps assume I am always looking to date?  Just because I am getting old?  True, dating alleviates the loneliness, so what.  It may surprise you, but I may not want to date YOU.  I am all about getting to know people.  To study them, to mutually enrich each other's lives, and all persons, with the sharing of information, knowledge and views.  But no, some people gotta go jump the gun.  But that can sometimes be valuable.  Perhaps I just ooze this desperate, clingy vibe.  So that makes me a bad person.  Well, I don't think many people would like it if I went around being an asshole.  And just because I toss a compliment your way, doesn't mean I wanna get into your pants.  Hell, I might not even like you.  So, stop trying to read anything into everything I say or do.  When I am in pursuit mode, you will know.  I may even be so direct as to tell you, and try to mutually work on it from both ends.  That is, if I deem you mature enough.  See, I have neither the time nor patience for the games and bullshit.  But that approach has been known to backfire as well.  So, fuckit.  I do it my way.  I meet, I greet, we see where it goes.  If it connects, and we are off to Extasyville, with me as the mayor, so be it.  I have once had the feeling of love out of control.  It was splendor.  To know that the same feeling was growing in depth and intensity betwixt two souls was rapturous.  We tried to take it slow.  We both started with no preconceptions about each other, or the relationship.  Isn't love grand?  But then again, I am a romantic.  And I had this rapture stolen from me.  The dark ones conspired to strip my soul bare.  So I am a cynic as well.  Lifes a bitch, eh?

    There have been circumstances that have conspired to curtail a friendship.  I no longer feel the closeness to Phoebe that i once did.  Perhaps I have creeped her out.  Anyway, we never talk anymore.  It is amazing that i now miss it.  Well, not amazing per se.  I felt that we were pretty good friends.  Now, there is no longer time for the upkeep of the relationship.  Why do women get all wigged out when I call a friendship a relationship?  I am not asking you to marry me, nor am I implying that we are dating, or anything like that.  Any interaction between two and/or more humans is a relationship.  So that is what I call it.  And all relationships require work.  And I in no way blame Phoebe... it is defiantly me..  i assume that I just have issues.  I seem to get a network of close friends, and wall off everyone else.  I am by nature, a shy person.  I have suffered pain in my life, and much like any human...I seek to avoid more of the same pain.  But, nothing ventured, nothing gained....so I, indeed we all do, try again to expand my base.

    So, me and the crew went and got fitted for our tuxes today.  I am gonna be one dead-sexy beast.  I'll probably look like a cross between James Bond and Dom DeLouise.  It'll be a hoot!!  On a lighter note, the Worthy Delta Cooler should be visiting soon.  It will be good to see him, and his wife.  Everybody around me is married, getting married, or dating seriously it seems.  Then, there's me.  Alone.
    But, hey.  We are born alone, and die alone.  Why not live alone?  Humans seem to need companionship and relationships.  If we all need it the same, why doesn't everone have it?  Perhaps some are wired differently than others.  I am possibly one of those.  At times I feel I am the antithisis of the "relationship man."  Other times, I am Uber-Boyfriend.  I am romantic, kind, caring, nurturing and attentive.  I love, am loved, and write poetry.  Then, there is the dark side.  I am also just as likely to switch gears, call my woman useless, beat her, and push her down the stairs.  It seems that is what women want these days.  Maybe that is just from the small sampling, but others have seen the same trend.  Sure, they all say ,"I want a sweet guy".  But, when there's slaps'em around, they won't leave.  They love them MORE.  Fuck that.  I give up.  I was once told that I had the KISA Complex (Knight In Shining Armor).  So much for that.  Some people can't be saved.  And the ones that can have to at first realize it, then want to be saved.  But guess what?  I am using up most of my reserves just to keep me on an even keel.  So, I am off the clock.  Save yourselves.

    Been a long time gone....now i'm back.  Better than ever.  Gotta knack, for makin' things better.  Well, notsomuch.  To hell with it.  On the bright side.  The Isabel Damage Cleanup is progressing, and most everyone was unhurt.  MANY were inconvenienced.  Few did not complain.  I was one of the few.  No power, but had a generator.  No cable, but had running water.  There were alot less fortunate than I.  For once in my life, I felt lucky.  God smiled on my, as if to say, "See, it can happen to anybody."  And I thank him every day.  See, I was deathly afraid of losing the house.  That did not happen.  Not even any structural damage.  Just some cosmetic.  And the farm.  Two trees down.  No strutural damage to the house.  So, all you atheists can go to hell.  And you just might.  Just look at a sunset, or a snowflake.  Tell me there is no God.  He is everywhere.  Look at the human body.  Marvelous isn't it?  No, I mean really study it.  If you want, get in touch with me, and you and I will straighten all thie theology out.  And, by the by.  I have the answer to the Creation/Evolution question.  No.  Really.  I DO.  And i will share it with all willing to listen with an open mind.  That goes for the God-Pounders too.  I LOVE LIFE.  I also have the secret to life.  Keep looking.   I will post it soon........

    "Birdhouse in your Soul" If you don't know what I am talking about, get the They Might Be Giants song.  I have always loved it.  It is a deep piece, but not on the surface.  Not to put too fine a point on it, say I'm the only bee in your bonnet.  Thats it.  Thats all I want.  There was once a birdhouse in a soul for me.  There was once the canary, and the nitelite.  The light was on for me.  FOR ME!!  And I watched over my canary.  I slayed Jason, AND the screaming Argonauts.  Those bastards.  But not the Argonauts of VFA-147, they rock. \m/ But, whatever.  Times change, and "the man" conspires against you.  So you wait.  When you can't strike, you bide your time.  Then, POOF!!  POW!!  Stuffs gonna 'splode.  Piss on'em, shave'm, and have them sterilized.
Ever feel like your reality is collapsing around you?  Watching MASH the other day, Pierce says to Hawkeye, "So, this Tuttle.  He's just a figment of your imagination?"  To which Hawkeye replies, "And who says you're not?"  Interesting point.  Maybe I am not typing this right now.  See, I always expect bad things to happen, and they do.  The way you would imagine them to.  So, maybe I am still 10 years old, in a coma or asylum, and my imagination has run away with me.  Maybe i am completely insane.  Who knows.  I know that not a whole lot "makes sense" any more.  Perhaps it does to someone.  Reality is just your perception of the world.  Kinda like the half full/half empty glass.  In a 16 oz container, if there are 8 oz of liquid, the unit has one-half it's stated capacity.  This is a fact.  Half full, or half empty?  That is a perception, which enforces a reality on the container.  Now, assume the reality perception can be bent.  It can be bent by the fluid and or actions you must or must not perform, if any.  Given that you must consume the contents, lets see, shall we?
If it was a Monkey piss/goat urine cocktail, you might exclaim, "No fair, that thing's half full!"  Wheras, if the fluid was your favorite Kool Aid (lets say Cherry.  We all like cherry, DON'T WE?)  You may lament, "But it's already half empty!!"

    I realized today a part of why I am alone.  My standards are too high.  Now that I have said that, the next trick that I hook up with will feel substandard.  So?  Is that my fault and or problem?  Nope.  But I am looking for the perfect mate.  Someone that when i am with the click in my head will be so loud it hurts.  You know the click.  Winifred Burkle and myself have spoken of it before.  The noise the pieces make when they fit together.  I want bliss, I want perfection.  But noone ever gets everything they are looking for.  So, does everybody settle?  Maybe. Will they admit it?  No.  Settling is part of human nature.  It is almost a survival instinct.  I say almost, because the settling means a weaker gene pool.  Humans do not evolve.  Our emotions prohibit long term species modification.  Homo Sapiens Status Quo.

    Here it is, another day down.  Time keeps on slippin, slippin, slippin, into the future, but you knew that, right?  I am really changing.  Case in point.  Magic.  I love to play Magic.  And if someone loves to play, they obviously love to win.  But I have lost somthing like 10 or 11 straight games.  I am strangely not pissed.  I have, however vowed to win again, but I am not upset.  I used to be a poor loser.  I guess I am not anymore.  There are also other things I just don't care about.  Things that I don't feel anything for.  It makes me feel cold and detatched.  I have realized that I will probably be alone for a very long time, perhaps the rest of my life.  People always say things like, "You have your family."  Or "But you have so many friends, you'll never be alone."  Stop right dammit there.  You know damn well what flavor of  'alone'  I am talking about.  Perhaps this emptiness is something i shold stop caring about.  Who cares?  Not me....

    So, here i sit. I have just beheld the power of cheese.  Had a lil bowl of it.  Cheese rox me.  Life is funny.  We will see just how funny it is in 328 days.  HEHEHEHEHEHE  AAAANNNNNNYYYYWay...  Enough of that.  I will have plenty of time to Muah-Ha-Ha later.  Heard a song today.  By some rapper talking about peace, and secret reasons for war.  Piss off.  Humans invented violence.  Peace is not in our nature.  Peace is just an excuse to build more and better weapons, and train soldiers.  Turn the other cheek?  Howabout NO.  Lotsa stuff on my mind today.  Did you ever notice how things piss you off, but you can always bury yourself in something else to forget them?  Humans are odd that way.  I suppose i am no exception, even though i often consider myself superior to most humans

    Welly Well Well then.  How goes it world?  Not that it matters to me, but there, I asked.  I myself am in pain.  My knees, back, and most of the other joints hurt.  On another note, why all the protests?  See my rants for more.  I just hope and pray all our boys and girls come home soon.  I love the military, and the hardware.  I admire beyond limits the soldiers who sacrifice for us.  I actually think all soldiers should get some kind of preferential treatment in our society.  They give up the normal everyday life the rest of us enjoy so that we may enjoy our life.  So stop bitching at them.  I love the services, all of them.  I love America.  Do I love war?  No.  Am i sorry that we had to go?  Yes.  Does it surprise me?  NO.
    Humans are not the enlightened beings we all like to pretend we are.  With our societies, and rules and customs and laws, and morals.  Humans are animals.  Violent stupid cattle.  All humans were born with both the hardware and software to take another life, but not so for the saving of a life.  If another human encroaches enough, you can kill them.  Everyone can strangle someone.  All humans have a dark, feral side.  Violence and war are in our nature.  It is this facade of weakness and complacency that makes people protest.  Some will say violence never solved anything, or violence begets violence.  Ok, i concede that at times, violence can spawn more violence.  That is why you must use intelligent violence.  Brutal Force, applied in an educated manner, can crush the opposition before a reaction is formed.  And once they are down, further violence to keep them down is usually not neccesary.  And violence does solve things.  Ask Adolf Hitler, the Confederate States of America, or Custer.  Hell ask Sun Tzu, Erwin Rommel or George Patton.  Violence is a last resort.  Talking does a good job of stalling until you are ready for the final blow.   And some you can talk down.  But there are those who never intended to listen in the first place.  Their dark little hearts imagine you and your family dying in the street, eyes bleeding, gasping for air.  Vomiting up lung tissue, and wanting to claw the rest out just to stop the pain.  I hope that image keeps you peace-mongerers awake at night.  It does me.  The world sucks, kiddies.  Face up to the fact that people and forces hate America, and want us all to die.  And you proesting for peace does not ingratiate you into them.   They want you to die.  They will kill you if afforded the chance.  Would you let that happen?  Will you talk the sarin gas out of the air?  There are situations where clean up and reaction are sadly not enough.  We need to be proactive.  The best defense is a strong offense.  We are not invincible.  On September 11, we were all minding our own business.  Dou you know why 30 or so men were able to kill so many of us? They hate us.  They eat sleep and breathe their hatred of us.  Tolerance has no place when dealing with these monsters.  Kill them all.  One by one if need be.  But we need to send a message, just like they did.  America is not the one with whom to fuck.  And that's all i got to say about that.

    So, here I sit, nothing in particular on my mind.  Just thinking.  I was wondering how many people I have met in my lifetime.  At times, a completely random memory of a long-gon acquaintence is re-activated.  I today just thouhgt of Britta.  No, not the water filter.  This cute little sorority girl  met in Atlanta probably 8 years ago.  Damn, that was a long time.  Why does she come to mind?  Who knows, and who cares?  Not me.  Not in the least.  The human mind is not something I want to try to firure out in one night.  Piss on it.  Know somthing else?  I really like TV.  Just recently, I discovered how much.  I really enjoy sitcoms.  My life doesn't suck as much when they are on.  I have a pretty well-adjusted life by comparison.  That's nice.  I like nice.  Especially nice touches.  Thanks Amy.  That was swell.  I always like it when other people amuse ME.  I am so frequently the entertainer, it is good to laugh at others from time to time.  I also think I am going to die, and soon.  I ate 1 1/2 poptarts today, and looked down, and saw this wispy mold culture.  That was around 7:45 or 8:00 AM.  It is now 11:32pm (23:32 hours) and I have had the runs for a solid hour.  And now I am cramping.  Knowing the speed of the human digestive tract, I do not feel that the two are related.  I just wanted the world to read about my excretory functions.  It makes me feel superior.  No, really, I am in fucking pain!!!!  Gotta go!  Back, did ya miss me?  Of course not.  I know that while 15 minutes passed for me, zero time passed for you, gentle readers.  HAHHAHHAHHHAHH, for mine is an evil laugh.

    Hello boys and girls.  Not much said here lately.  just been kinda keeping to myself, i suppose.  Humanity is a funny thing.  I usually can't even stomach the sight of masses of humans.  All just milling around, doing nothing.  As a species, not much in the way of redeeming qualities.  But you are entertaining.  I seem to be having a problem with the whole interaction with other humans.  Many in my town that i am forced to interact with, are so stupid.  It really drains the very intelligence from me to be around them.  So, what does it all mean?  Who really gives a shit?  You live, you die.  After that, on this rock, what else is there?  Life here sometimes seems like a sentence.

    I realized something the other day.  I don't care.  This was not one of those "wake up in the morning" revelations.  This one kinda snuck up on me.  I was stocking the parts shelves at my glorious job, and thouhgt: "What am I going to do with my self?"  Then I thought "Doesn't matter, because I really don't care about much one way or the other."  And you know what?  I don't care that I don't care.  I am as unconcerned as I am hairy.  I am lonely.  Don't care.  Got bills piling up.  Don't care.  Dead end job.  Don't care.  I also realize that this is most likely a phase.  I will tire of the not caring, and reapply my self to straightening my life out.

    Yeah, life is funny, aint it?  I intend to start giving out awards soon.  My first will probably bee FBOTY.  That is furryspeak for Flaky Bitch Of The Year.  Awarded to a trick for showing exceptional flakiness in the face of day to day endeavours.  True, many of the tramps I know are a little flaky.  But no, that cannot garner you the fabulous title of FBOTY!!  No, no.  You gotta trifle, you gotta make shit up, you might gotta downright lie to me about going out of town to dodge me.  Hell, cutting me short, and acting like you still wanna speak are definately high marks!  Next, I also feel an award to WTOTY.  That would be, of course, Worthless Tramp Of The Year.  I can imagingeall of your thouhgts... How can I be so judgemental?  What gives him the right?  he isn't attractive enough to berate others!  How dare he?  Shut the fuck up!  The very fact that I have written this all out, shows my lack of caring for what any who object think.  Don't like it?  Leave.  This is America baby!

    You know what?  The more I experience of life on this rock, the less I like it.  There are good things.  Like Russian Techno.  My latest "thing".  There are bad things.  Like, apparently, me.  It is you women.  What the hell kinda vibe do I put off to you.  Whenever I meet someone new, on of the first things they tell me is something about NOT wanting to date me.  Well, at least let me find out your last name before you shoot me down.  And another thing.  Why do you tramps assume I am always looking to date?  Just because I am getting old?  True, dating alleviates the lonliness, so what.  It may surprise you, but I may not want to date YOU.  I am all about getting to know people.  To study them, to mutually enrich each other's lives, and all persons, with the sharing of information, knowledge and views.  But no, some people gotta go jump the gun.  But that can sometimes be valuable.  Perhaps I just ooze this desperate, clingly vibe.  So that makes me a bad person.  Well, I don't think many people would like it if I went around being an asshole.  And just because I toss a compliment your way, doesn't mean I wanna get into your pants.  Hell, I might not even like you.  So, stop trying to read anything into everything I say or do.  When I am in pursuit mode, you will know.  I may even be as direct as to tell you, and try to mutually work on it from both ends.  That is, if I deem you mature enough.  See, I have neither the time nor patience for the games and bullshit.  But that approach has been known to backfire as well.  So, fuckit.  I do it my way.  I meet, I greet, we see where it goes.  If it connects, and we aree off to Extasyville, with me as the mayor, so be it.  I have once had the feeling of love out of control.  It was splendor.  To know that the same feeling was growing in depth and intensity betwixt two souls was rapturous.  We tried to take it slow.  We both started with no preconceptions about each other, or the relationship.  Isn't love grand?  But then again, I am a romantic.  And I had this rapture stolen from me.  The dark ones conspired to strip my soul bare.  So I am a cynic as well.  Lifes a bitch, eh?

    I was commenting just last night about how great my weekend was.  Yes, i did have an exceptionaly  good weekend.    Firstly, dinner; then off to the Watermelon Festival.  My crew and i hung out, and i made what I believe to be a great new friend.  We shall see, it is up to her.   We rode the rides, and left.  Then, today...one bit of judgemental bad news, and I am PISSED!!!!  I hear that my new friend, who we both agreed that honesty was the best policy, says that 'the age-thing kinda bothers her'.  Now, I will admit...I do not know if such a statement is a matter of fact, or an inference made by another friend.  I shall soon find out.  if you want to know something, go to the source.  That is my next endeavour.  I do not understand the 'age-thing', as this aforementioned friend was apprised of my age well before we met.  So, perhaps I just creeped her out.  As her friend put it, "You two are meeting as friends"  That is fine.  "You are not going to date"  Again, fine...  I did not even approach the outing as a date.  But i did enjoy her company, and do not want to play games.  But, perhaps First-Date Furry has struck again.  Maybe the Fates or Muses could have mistaken this outing for a date, and decided to fuck with me.  You know what I say?  Bring it on.  I aint skeered!!

    Friendship is a funny thing.  Once you get to know someone, and enjoy their company, you feel that they are a part of your world.  So it is understandably painful when a part of your world is removed.  You come to anticipate, and even look forward to the interaction between two friends.  I admit, I have different levels of friendship.  I even have different classifications for male and female friendship.  The feeling I used to get seeing Phoebe and the feeling I get hanging out with the crew are different.
    There have been circumstances that have conspired to curtail a friendship.  I no longer feel the closeness to Phoebe that i once did.  Perhaps I have creeped her out.  Anyway, we never talk anymore.  It is amazing that i now miss it.  Well, not amazing per se.  I felt that we were pretty good friends.  Now, there is no longer time for the upkeep of the relationship.  Why do women get all wigged out when I call a friendship a relationship?  I am not asking you to marry me, nor am I implying that we are dating, or anything like that.  Any interaction between two and/or more humans is a relationship.  So that is what I call it.  And all relationships require work.  And I in no way blame Phoebe... it is defiantly me..  i assume that I just have issues.  I seem to get a network of close friends, and wall off everyone else.  I am by nature, a shy person.  I have suffered pain in my life, and much like any human...I seek to avoid more of the same pain.  But, nothing ventured, nothing gained....so I, indeed we all do, try again to expand my base.
    It is true, you only know someone as much as they let you.  Humans are so complex. But such fun to study.  I should see some really interesting interactions in about a week or two...  You never know.

    Most of life, or at least existence, is like an onion.  There are so many layers.  And the more you pull back, the more you uncover.  And all the layers stink.  Sometimes, they make you cry.  Well, the onion layers do...not the life layers.  I do not cry.  That is a sign of weakness.  I do not display weakness anymore than absolutely necessary.  There are far too many around me waiting to capitalize on my weaknesses.  And I do have a considerable number of them.  And no, I will NOT list them.

I came to a realization one day.  I am incredibly ethnocentric.  I have been for a number of years.  Many have called me prejudiced, bigoted, even a plain old asshole.  But none of those really fit me.  When I learned of ethnocentrisity (not to be confused with electricity) I found it more appropriate.  See, it is not so much that I think you and yours are wrong.  I am just sure that me and mine are right.  But MY ethnocentrisity is different.  I find mine applies even to my nationality.  I have recently, however, started to evolve my world view.  Until recently, I had a real problem with Canadians, and French.  Also, the Russians, Japanese, North Korean, Iraqi, Iranian, Palestinian,  ok, ok...so I have a long list.  Now, I actually like the Canadians.  Also, I have been warming up to the Russians for a while now.  So, in my mind, I am approaching a global union.  How very lovely.

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