Squinty the Clown...ain't she cute?
090129
Dead dreams,
condemned futures. All this from some pictures. I stumbled
across something, much the way it is usually done here in teh intrawebz,
by link, link...looking, search, link again...accident...OMG! Yeah,
it was JUST LIKE THAT.
Saw a mini-reunion of some of
my very closest friends from high school. Since my number one rule
here is no real names, I cannot name those people. Wish I could,
they are great folks. Looks like from the pictures they had an awesome
time, epic win and what-not. So, irony: I know nothing of it
until a year passes. No big surprise...I have gone to a few precautions
over the years to separate myself from my past. Things happened,
some of which I wasn't proud of, and I distanced myself. From everyone,
family included at one point. Now I regret it. It was foolish,
perhaps. But this is the sorrow I live with daily. Uncertain
future and a denied past. Mind you, not all of it was bad.
But here I sit now, wondering why, and what I should have done differently.
Maybe nothing, maybe something. Oddly, it doesn't matter. The
die was cast, set, filled and destroyed. And I have left the monument
to my decisions. Such is life. I say that alot. It isn't
very comforting. But pain is what I deal myself. Looking at
the faces of friends long ago; somewhat vicariously. Seeing them
enjoying themselves filled me with pain and joy. It hurt to have
distanced myself, to miss out on that. But I was elated that they
had such a time. Everyone should. Noone should be denied that
manner of joy. Except myself, of course. Then again, I may
be anhedonic.
090127
Said it before:
the realization that a dream is going to die rather than blossom into a
reality is a saddening thing indeed.
There was a time in my life
I had a dream. I wanted nothing more than to become a great husband
and father. That one has died. Just the feeling you get, you
know? I shouldn't gripe. Sure, my life was destroyed by an
incident, and I have done much to rebuild it. I hade shored up, and
fabricated, and lied, and smiled. I have had success in it.
My work has been a joy for three years now. Emily seems to be happier
too. And I have Siouxie and Liz. But no kids with any of those
ladies. No, gentle readers, the truth is there are aspects of my
life that will never be what they should have been. And I will admit
it.. It was because I made a mistake. It was my fault. I trusted
Maxine. That was the error that would split the timeline, and cost
me the life I was to have. So yeah, I trusted her, and the way things
were evolving. I knew it was too good to be true. And it was.
She has sadly passed on now. I miss her. I would have liked
to said goodbye. Such is life though, you never know when a thing
is going to happen. It happens, and you deal. As Captain Malcolm
Reynolds once said: "The way it is, is the way it is; we gotta deal with
what's in front of us." Sage advice from an ol' Browncoat.
090118
Birthday
again. Despise the cursed day. Just another reminder of how
long I have been existing on this rock. Noone gets that I hate it.
12784 Days on Earth.
080718
Never going
to be happy again
080522
What am I?
Am I defined by what I own, what I think? What I do? What I
have accomplished? What has been done to me? What I believe?
I no longer
seem to know. For the last few days I have felt adrift. It is unsettling.
I have so much i need to be doing. So many things I need to get done.
080409
Burning out.
Numb. At least, wishing I was. There was a time when i didn't
feel anything. I want it back
UPDATE:
Due to security considerations, all entries from August have been removed.
There were possible chronological and temporal discrepancies that could
lead to legal complications. And hey, been there once, not looking
forward to going again. That is all....
BUT in other news, I take back the bad things I have said about clowns,
because of this:
17 JUL 2006
Well, Genie, when you are
right, you are right. It has been too long since I updated.
And I suppose it is a bad thing, since I entertain you so very much.
At least I matter to some in some way. Yay Me. But, as I said
today at work...."There are times it just feels like someone stuck My head
in a bass drum and fucked Me in the ass." Yep, gotta beware of those
Bass Drum Ass-Rapings. Such is life. Caring won't make it any
better, or fix what's wrong. So, that begs the question:
08 JUN 2006
This just in: Maxine has been on My mind. Big frakkin shock, I know.
But see, she is getting married. I have known. I have known
the way you know the milk is bad before looking at the date. I have
known in the same way you know that the chick on the phone with the really
really sexy voice is a 2-ton hoon with a beard. I have known...but
only intrinsicly. Well, SuperPepsiMan just confirmed it. I
now know. The way I know water is wet, and pissing on an electric fence
will shock the shit out of your man-hammer. So. Yes, so what?
Am I happy, at least for her? Not really. Oddly, not even bitter.
I reconciled that everything she said to Me has probably been a lie, and
let it go. Shame, that. It was tasty. Tasty like a fresh cinnamon
roll. Tasty like homemade ice cream in July. Tasty like...oh, fuck
it, you get the point. It was DAMN TASTY. And know, My flava
is gone, to be perpetually sipped and enjoyed by a man not as worthy as
I. How can I say that? Cause I am Me, and I fucking rock.
So, there. You can suck it, asshat. There now. I feel
marginally better. Bedtime
18 MAY 2006
Genie says (in
her brit accent if I am lucky) that I do not update enough. I do
suppose that is true. Here it am then. I was handed some crap
recently, and decided to grow roses. And grow they did. All
My girls (Jenny, Liz, and Siouxie) are fabulous. They get along great,
but I need to show Liz some love. You can only keep her locked in
a box for so long.
In other news,
I am dead inside. I relaxed a little last night, and tonight.
Unfortunately, as I throttled back from My recent high tempo of operations,
I was able to think. And that, gentle readers, is seldom good for
Me. Well, not true. Thinking is good. My mind is My best asset...that
and My penis. I mean, the damn thing is practically indestructable!!!
But I digress. So, My mind, is a great thing. It is only detrimental
when I think about Myself. I feel again...even despite all the very
very good things happening...I feel isolated, and forsaken. I have
been so often... and I am again. I am starting to get a tad
numb to it, and comfortable with it. I have come to expect it.
And why shouldn't I? So there....update: Work great, gear great...barren
wasteland of My soul and mind...not good.
22 APR 2006
Back once again. Happiness abounds...JENNY is back. Well, not
back, but reincarnated. I lost a 7.62mm Jenny and got a 23.5mm Jenny.
Now Jenny, and her lil sis Lizzi, and Siouxie and Me can road trip.
I am just glad all the girls get along. So, things are looking up
all around. Got the new position, will be Manager now. That
should keep Me busy, and well paid (YAY), and curtail My airshow trips
(BOO), but what can you do?
25 MAR 2006
I think too much. I know it, and can't stop it. Don't really
want too. People lurve My thoughts. People lurve ME.
At least, thats what I tell My shrink. The times I stop to tell him
something. You know, when I am not making him cry like a baby.
An angry, hugry shitted-uponst baby. Well, not anymore really.
Haven't seen a shrink in YEARS. Didn't need to see one to start with.
Oh, but Cynthia Kenney thought I needed to. Thanks bitch. If
I had to go back, and put My finger on one or two people that fucking ruined
My life, I could. Most people have their lives change gradually,
as well all do. But I am lucky. I could actually pinpoint the
moment (with an error of +/-5 minutes) when My life changed, and I became
the Me that I am. That one point, that if I had to do it over, I
could. But I dont. And I won't. Contrary to what Doctor
Who said, time is linear, and constant. At least it is as of now.
So, as I said...here I am. I go on, and we all do. Some of
us like the other never even existed. I need a mental loufa sponge!
24 MAR 2006
Time for some
ambiguity. I got the beginnings of some good news. My airshows
shouldn't be as curtailed as I feared. Goodness for Me. But
we shall see. I am also seeming to get something I have wanted for
a while now. No, not yet. I will reveal all later. When
it is certain, and I am not sticking My feet in My mouth. Other than
that...seen the BBC's new version of "Doctor Who"? SEE IT, on the
Sci-Fi channel. Billie Piper....so hot, and with the english accent....stick
a fork in Me. And Eccleston does a good Doctor. I like it so
far.
15 MAR 2006
Hmmmmm, where to begin. At the end, since it all...ends there.
The end of My rope, the end of the line, the end. I was thinking,
and feeling, and pondering. Most of what goes on in My head will
never be revealed. But this has started to seep out, so here is it.
Done. I have said it before. I have tried it before.
But this time, it FEELS done. So say we all. I need not address
women by their names, codes or numbers. Those of you I am done over,
you don't bother to read this anyway. you may not know it exists.
And if you do, you most likely feel you are too important to read it.
Fuck yourselves. Hm, now THAT felt better. So, there.
I said it. I might as well be done, since they are too.
03 MAR 2006
I am tired of it. I try so very hard, I offer the one thing I can.
And it is never, not ever fucking good enough. No, Genie, this isn't
directed at you. Your Truth was a difficult thing for you to share.
But thank you. At least you can share. You can communicate.
Others...recent others...can't. And then bitch about what they don't
have. There are things they could have had. gods know I had
tried. I was tested with fire and ice, and failed in her eyes.
That took some destructive introspection to digest. I am still unhappy
about it. I tell Myself I am done with it, with you. But I
still look for you. But, like Max, you aren't coming back.
If I died you wouldn't care. You have already shown Me what I meant
to you. It took Me TWO YEARS to show you how I felt, and you showed
Me in less than 24 hours. Can you even imagine how that made Me feel?
No, you can't. And I almost don't care if you ever can. It
is just more evidence that My efforts are largely a waste of time.
Maybe, one day when you are driving, or waiting it will hit you.
Then you, in one staggering moment, may have an epiphany. you might
even understand it. I might even be dead by then. I have to
have goals. And, if you are reading this...before your epiphany.
Congrats on passing. I always knew you could do it.
28 FEB 2006
Max, I wish I knew if you ever read this, or if you even knew this was
you. I use all these codenames, and whatnot. But if you did
read...you would know. But you don't. You have forgotten Me, forsaken
Me. But, I have mediocre news. I am dealing with it.
I finally put My finger on it. On you, on Echo, on Eclipse, Genie,
Casper, Lily...hell, I figured it all (almost all) out. I was driving,
and it came to Me. I am disappointed in you. All of you.
There were multiple "yous". There is the woman, the woman in My mind,
and the woman the rest of the world sees. Your (all of you ladies)
mental template I had wasn't the same as your reality. I held each
of you in such high regard. I poured so much of My very being into
it...it became an ideal. And you each, in your own sweet way, failed
it. You failed Me, and I in turn, failed you. I am sure that
I never lived up to any of your expectations. And that can't be helped,
just as yours can't be either. But if only I was allowed to....
That is so much air through the engine. All of it long done now.
The letting go is getting easier. I just can't completely.
I still have some of each of you in Me, as you all in some real and intangible
way touched Me. And that cannot be undone either. I have to
reconcile the amalgam of your sigma expereince on My soul. and, in
case you were wondering...any of you...yes, there are days I would rather
kill Myself than deal with it. Some of you, when you took back yourself,
dragged it through Me kicking, screaming, scratching and clawing through
My soul. Scars that will never heal, and shouldn't. Each one
tells a story. There is good in all of it. Checkers and the
Dollar movie. The prom from Hades, with you looking like a blue-and-white
angel. Halloween in Daytona. Chocolate shakes and McDonalds
before Barnes and Noble. Chinese food and people watching in the
mall. All the long drives out of town, even to airshows. I
will miss all of you. Then there is the bad... All the bad.
Don't write, don't call. Don't even try at all. 'I just don't
love you anymore' 'I don't want to date anyone at all': just before
you move in with someone. All that is useful too....I can add it
to the deep, dark pool I keep in My soul for special occasions. Add
it all to My darkness. Whynot? Might as well have a use for
it.
What does not kill you, makes you
stronger.
But, until I get stronger, there
will be times...dark times. If only I could truly express Myself...
What a day that would be? Noone but Myself would like it, and I am
not sure I could like Myself when all was said and done. and no.
None of you will ever know these deep desires, My fantasy. Do not
ask. I won't share. Some things I do have to die with.
18 FEB 2006
Was told recently,
by Genie, a dear old ...friend... that I do not update enough.
So here is a shot at rectifying that. And since I have soooo much
on My mind, here goes:
Firstly, I am
pissed. My speakers are getting all crackly, and My techno gets garbled.
Oh, I am pissed about so much more. Echo. Yes, her. See,
I spent a good deal of time, and effort....I tried. I tried everything
I thought would work, and some I thought wouldn't. What did I get?
She turned her back on Me. Cold, just like that. As though
I wasn't good enough for her, and nothing I could do would ever be enough.
Well, fuck it. I did My job. I got her through her rough spot,
I played the friend. She is better now, and looking much better.
Quite nice, actually. But, that being said, she is now done with
Me. I am surplus to requirements. Yeah, like thats a new thing.
Like I could have a woman hurt Me anymore than I already have been.
Yes, it does. Thanks for asking. But, her life goes on, and
so does Mine. As for Ono, and My friend's delusion (I guess, i never
know about these things) of her having any interest in Me...that went down
flaming. no joy there. But she is super hot...muy caliente!!
On another note...good
and bad. My life looks to be changin soon. Some positive, some
negative. Still having some quandrous thoughts. My biggest
fear is that it is going to seriously cut into My airshows. Yeah,
I have some SERIOUS problems in My life...some very very large, and some
very costly, and My biggest worry is airshows. I know, great ain't
it?
Back to the
women. Max...max max max. I still think of her. And of
you too Genie, since I know you better be reading this! Oddly enough,
you both put Me through the ringer. Big time. Here is not the
place to pull punches, so its all about the truth. After each encounter
(Max once, Genie twice) I wanted to die. I was empty inside.
Hell, I probably should have died. I'd be better off by now.
But I didn't, and here am I. And there they are, all those bridges
burned, all that time lost. Max won't even speak, and neither will
Echo. With Echo, its only been about 6 weeks since she turned her
back on Me, but Max has about 370 weeks elapsed. So, there it is.
I am an idiot. and a lonely one, but that is ok. I actually
don't mind that so much anymore. It is cheaper, and by necessity,
a good thing. Me, being broke, I have to be single. Contrary
to what any ol tramp will tell you, money does matter. I am a decent
looking fella, and very nice. I am caring, and considerate.
I am OK in bed. I would hate to brag, and then have to start proving
it to ugly girls...the pretty ones, now I would LOVE to prove it to them!!!
BUT, since I am broke, no il-freaky-na-na for Me. Women want money
first, or a guy that treats them like shit. I have been nothing but
nice, and I failed. Next bitch, she's getting slapped in the mouth
at the end of the first date. So be warned.
16 JAN 2006
Yeah, I know.
First post of the new year. Took me long enough. But, I have
been busy. Photography, and being broke have occupied Me. I
have indulged in panic, and despair. I have reveld in My misery.
Felt like vomiting myself into a coma on most days, and duct taping a pineapple
grenade to My neck and pulling the pin on the others. Now, wouldn't
that make a mess?
Alas, I have
too much to do. We'll see in 2010. Should have it all cleared
up by then, so expect to see Me in the papers...in the obituary section.
And if anybody ever reads this, and gives a damn about Me...AT ALL, email
Me, and send me what you think My euology shoud read. And, by the
by, I am fond of the phrase "Those who knew him loved him, and and those
who didn't know him...loved him from afar." Do it...write Me up
And bonus points to those who use the phrase. But you people won't.
Hell, most people won't even know when I am gone. And when My name
is spoken in hushed tones....before the songs of My exploits, but after
the stories of My glories.....some will ask: "Who was He?"
"He was a great
man, and dead sexy."
So, as it is written....piss on
it
080409
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