American in cross country train ride...
An American businessman finds himself on a cross country train
ride. His companions in the train cabin are a Russian
businessman, a Cuban businessman, and an American lawyer.
They start to talk, and become fast friends. After about an hour
or so, the Russian pulls out a bottle of expensive vodka, and
pours everyone a drink. The others are amazed as to how good the
vodka is. After pouring the drinks, the Russian takes a swig
right from the bottle, opens the window and throws the bottle
right out the side.
The American businessman says "Why the hell did you do that?
That was an expensive bottle!"
The Russian replies, "Nyet, my friend, I have plenty more. There
is lots of vodka in Russia! There is so much vodka that old
women and children has plenty of vodka to drink. So since there
is so much vodka, we have to throw it out the window to get rid
of excess."
The American businessman thinks that's an interesting idea.
After a while later, the Cuban businessman reaches in his
briefcase and pulls out a box of hand-rolled cigars. He passes
the whole box out to his friends, takes one for himself, lights
it, takes one puff and throws it out of the window.
The American businessman says "Why the hell did you do that?
These are excellent cigars!"
The Cuban says "Si, mi amigo. In Havana we make many excellent
cigars. But since we have no one to sell them to, we must keep
them in Cuba. So everyone always has good cigars. We have so
many that we must throw them out to get rid of the excess."
The American businessman thinks to himself, "Hmm...That's an
interesting idea. Get rid of excess supply by...simply throwing
it out the window! The Russian threw vodka out the window, the
Cuban threw his cigar out the window...what can I throw out?"
He thinks for a second, stands up and throws the lawyer out the
window.
A Dog Named...
Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine
Sex.
Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City
Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to
have a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one, too."
Then I said, "But this is a dog!" He said he didn't care what
she looked like. Then I said, "But you don't understand. I've
had Sex since I was nine years old." He said I must have been
quite a kid.
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with
me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and
me and a special room for Sex. He said every room in the place
was for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake
at night!" The clerk said, "Me too."
One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition
began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was
just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to
have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own
tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to
have Sex on TV." He called me a show-off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight custody
of the dog. I said, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was
married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I
was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too."
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town
for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in
this alley at 4:00 in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for
Sex."
My case comes up Friday.
Bill Clinton Rescue...
Bill Clinton falls into a lake and cannot swim and
three boys rescue him. Bill tells them
"I'll give you anything you want for saving my life".
So Bill asks the first boy what he wants and the first
boy says he wants a Ferrari. Bill says fine.
Bill asks the second boy what he wants and the second boy
says he wants a brand new computer. Bill says okay.
Then Bill asks the third boy what he wants. The third boy
says he wants a motorized wheelchair. Bill asks "Why do
want a wheelchair, you look very healthy?" The third boy
says "I'll need a wheelchair when my father finds out
we saved you from drowning".
Parents having sex...
A little kid walks in on his parents having sex. He says,"What
are you doing?" His mother says,"Well I was just letting the
air out of your father...he's too fat!" The kid says,"Why the
lady next door is just going to blow him up again!"
Women in bed with lover...
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the
corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she
dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to,"
she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband enquired as he entered the
room.
"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths
bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for
us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night
when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to
the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a
glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something.
I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody
offered me as much as a glass of water."
Being stopped by the cops...
A man and his wife were driving on the highway when a state
policeman appeared in their mirror, obviously wanting them to
pull over. The man pulls over, and the officer approaches the
car.
State cop: "License and registration please."
Man: "I'm sorry officer, what seems to be the problem?"
State cop: "I clocked you on radar doing 75 mph."
Man: "There must be some mistake, I was only going 65."
Wife: "Oh Harold, you were going at least 80!"
State cop: "I'm also citing you for having a tail light out."
Man: "But officer, I wasn't aware it was out."
Wife: "Oh Harold, you know it's been out for two months."
State Cop: "I'm also fining you for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "But officer, I just took it off as you were approaching my
car."
Wife: "Oh Harold, you know you never wear your seat belt."
Man: "Listen you dumb *&^^%$, shut your !@#$' mouth!!!"
State Cop: "Ma'am, does he always talk to you this way?
Wife: "Only when he's drunk......."
Wrong Number...
A guy calls home from work. A strange woman answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid," answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone
whom I just figured was her husband."
Now this guy is angry. He says to the maid, "Listen, would
you like to make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from the desk in the den and
shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps,
followed by a couple of gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do
with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"What pool?"
"Uh... is this 832-4821?"
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