“I can’t imagine life without your love. That’s what you said to me three months ago when I was about to walk out that door. I stayed and we’ve continued to fight. Nothing’s gotten better. Did you mean what you said or were you quoting our song for the fun of it?” Nick asked his boyfriend, Kevin Richardson, with tears streaming down his face.

            “I meant it,” Kevin said with tears in his own eyes as the two stood in the front hall of their house that they’d shared for the last three years.

            “Then fight, damn it! Why are you letting me go?! Brian is sitting outside waiting for me and you’re letting me go!” Nick cried. “Why? If you love me so damn much, why are you letting me go?” Nick asked.

            “Cause I’d rather see you happy without me than miserable with me,” Kevin said bravely. “And you’re not happy with me. I can see it in your eyes every time I look at you,” Kevin said.

            “Well, isn’t that noble of you!” Nick spat. “Please, Kevin,” Nick asked, crying as he opened the door to walk of the house, their house.

            “It’s better this way Nick,” Kevin said, willing himself not to cry. Nick bit his bottom lip and walked out the door and climbed in the passenger seat of Brian’s BMW.

            Brain didn’t say anything when Nick got in. He just drove back to his house where Leighanne was waiting. Together they took the 25-year-old up to the room he always stayed in and put him to bed. Brian stayed for a while to make sure he fell asleep then joined his wife in the kitchen.

            “It really happened?” Leighanne asked quietly.

            “Looks that way,” Brian responded quietly.

            “Do you know what happened?” Leighanne asked.

            “No. You saw him. I had to wait only five minutes after knocking on the door. Kevin obviously didn’t fight that hard,” Brian said disdainfully.

            “I guess not. Should you go over there and make sure he’s okay?” Leighanne asked.

            “I called AJ and Howie while waiting. They’re probably there now, “ Brian said. “I couldn’t be any help for him right now anyway. I want to kill him myself. You know Ann would kill him herself if she were alive,” Brian said.

            “I know, honey and deep down, Kevin knows that too. He just doesn’t know how to deal with losing her.  You said it yourself. The same thing happened when he lost his father. He pushed everyone away,” Leighanne said.

            “I know, but all anyone wants to do is help. All Nick wants to do is love him. Why can’t that happen? How can he not let Nick love him? They’ve been together for five years! They’ve been through everything together! Doesn’t that mean anything to him?” Brian asked.

            “I don’t know, honey. I think that Kevin doesn’t want anyone to love him right now. I think he just wants his mom back. All we can do is let him know we’re there for him and try to help make this as painless as possible for everyone involved,” Leighanne said. “Not to bring up a sore subject, but you’ll are supposed to go do TRL tomorrow,” Leighanne said quietly.

            “I know. I don’t know what we’re going to do. I don’t think either Nick or Kevin would want to deal with it. But it’ll look bad if they don’t show. Plus if Nick’s on TV, any idiot could tell he’s not well,” Brian said.

            “Well, it’s only 4 o’clock. You don’t leave till tomorrow morning. Why don’t we let him sleep and see how he is in the morning,” Leigh said.

            “You’re right. Howie said he’d call later on. I’m going to the studio. Come and get me when he does, would you?” Brain asked as he stood from the kitchen table.

            “Sure, go ahead. I’ll keep an ear out for Nick and handle the phone,” Leigh said.

            Brain hugged and kissed his wife then went to work in his studio.  Five and half-hours later and one call from Howie saying that Kevin was sleeping, Brian came to the kitchen hungry. As he was sitting with Leighanne eating a late dinner, Nick came in.

            “Hey man, want some food?” Brian asked as Nick got himself a glass of water and sat down at the table with Brian and Leighanne.

            “I’m not hungry thanks,” Nick said. “Um, could you please call and have Kevin pack me some nice stuff? I forgot we have TRL tomorrow and I only have sweats,” Nick said.

            “Nick, bro you don’t…” Brian started to tell him he didn’t have to do TRL, but Nick cut him off.

            “Yes, Brian I do. Kevin and I vowed five years ago when we got together to never let this effect Backstreet or at least as little as possible. After we came out, we had to work hard to get back to where we’re at now again. Our album is still top 15. I will not let this effect the group anymore. I won’t do it. So just call and have whoever is staying with him, AJ or Howie or whoever, and get me some dress clothes,” Nick said firmly.

            Brian sighed. “Okay, I’ll call AJ. He’s staying there tonight,” Brian said, getting up and going to the phone.

            Nick stayed up briefly to make sure Brian did as he asked then went back to his room to try and at least get a couple hours of sleep. He got about two. Besides that he was up staring at the ceiling trying to think of how he was going to survive without the love of his life. He hadn’t wanted to leave Kevin, but he couldn’t do it anymore. He couldn’t live with Kevin hurting so much and not willing to let Nick help him at all. He would just have to learn how to live his life without Kevin. But just the thought of that had made Nick sick to his stomach, causing him to run to the bathroom several times throughout the night to throw up. Unfortunately, there wasn’t anything in his stomach to throw up so he’d ended up dry heaving for several hours. Brian had woken around three to the sound of him hacking and came to sit with him. He had stayed with Nick for the rest of the night, holding his best friend as he suffered through one of the worst nights of his life.

            Leighanne woke them up at five AM with coffee and cereal before they went to shower and change. Then she drove them to the airport, promising to be there that night to pick them up. The two friends met AJ, Howie and Kevin in the VIP lounge of Orlando International Airport along with two PR people, one person from management, and security. Nick wished they could just fly up to New York without all the people to cause more hassles and in his opinion, annoyance.

            “Brian,” Nick said as the two men got settled in their seats in the first class section of the flight.

            “Yeah?” Brian asked.

            “Keep me laughing?” Nick said simply. Brian knew what he meant. He just merely smiled and nodded his head. It had been a long running tradition within the group to say those three words when they were about to do something that either all or one of them really didn’t want to do.

The flight to New York was silent. They all pretty much kept to themselves, choosing to either sleep or go over paper work of some kind or another. Twenty minutes before they landed, Nick changed out of his sweats and into something that he could be seen in.  Airport security met them midway up the jet way at which point Nick grabbed Kevin’s hand, looking at him with a pained expression.

“You already shattered my heart. I am not dealing with any press bullshit about us breaking up,” Nick said then put a fake smile on his face and followed their security out into the crowd and into the van at which point he dropped Kevin’s hand and cornered himself between the window and Brian.

            The entire day was like a blur. He just kind of followed Brian around, knowing that his best friend would take care of him. He told the press that morning that he was a bit under the weather, which appeased the press for him acting a little off. After the fan conference and the signing at Virgin, they headed over to MTV studios where he insisted on a 30-minute break.

            The TRL that day was a special two-hour special. The boys would be counting down their top ten favorite videos as well as talking about the fact their album was still in the top 15 after being released 6 months earlier and answer questions from the audience. The first part of the show went extremely well, all the boys playing their part perfectly, particularly Nick and Kevin. However, if you looked carefully, you’d notice they never had eye contact with each other. Nick did this purposely cause he knew if he looked Kevin in the eye, he’d lose it. The questions came in the second part of the show and at first they were okay, not directed directly at Nick about his relationship with Kevin or his mother for that matter, so he was able to handle them okay.  But then one girl asked what Kevin and Nick liked to do on dates and thank god for AJ because he burst out laughing and said that since TRL was a PG show, Nick couldn’t answer that question and the director went to commercial. The last twenty minutes were nail biting. Brian was praying Nick would hold it together and Nick was praying he didn’t die from a broken heart on national television with all of his fans watching. The minute the credits rolled Nick was out of there, taking off full speed to the bathroom where he promptly emptied his stomach not 1 or 2 times, but 3 times. Brian apologized to the fans saying Nick didn’t feel well and took off after him, leaving Howie, AJ and Kevin to give out autographs.

            Thirty minutes later Nick was more or less better and they were waiting for security so they could head to the car and then back to the airport and home when their manager, Jack, showed up. “Hey guys, how are you all?” he asked.

            “Nick’s sick Jack. Is security about ready? We’re ready to go home,” Brian asked.            “Actually, that’s why I’m here. Jive called. They’re hosting a party tonight. They didn’t know you were in NYC until one of them saw MTV this morning. They want you there,” Jack said reluctantly. He knew vaguely what was going on with Nick. Howie had warned him this morning. He felt terrible. He knew all they wanted to do was go home, but that was not going to happen. Not tonight.

            “Jack man, come on. Nick is…” AJ started to say.

            “I know J. Don’t worry. Billy’s on his way up. The plane’s waiting for you Nick. Leighanne will be in Orlando to pick you up,” Jack said to the 25 year old who was laying on the couch, curled up looking about 5 years old and miserable.

            “But we have to go,” Kevin said not asked.

            “Yes. I tried to negotiate, but you all skipped the last thing the last time you were here. The only thing I could do was tell them Nick was sick and not going. I’m sorry. I tried. You know how they are,” Jack said truly sorry.

            “No worries. You tried, Jack. Thanks for that. So are we going to a hotel or something?” AJ asked standing as their security came in.

            “Yeah. We have a room at the Meridian waiting for you all. Also, Armani is sending clothes over,” Jack said as they walked out of the building and toward the two cars, one of which was taking Nick to the airport. The boys, except for Kevin, all hugged Nick good-bye then climbed into their van.

            “Just go home and sleep, Nick. I’ll be back in the morning okay?” Brian asked.

            “Yeah. Thanks, Frick,” Nick said, using Brian’s nickname.

            “No problem. Leigh’ll be at the airport waiting for you. I love you,” Brian said, hugging him one last time.

            “Me too,” Nick said then went with Billy, his guard, and climbed in his van. He didn’t say a word the entire ride to the airport or on the 3-hour flight to Orlando. Leighanne was there waiting for him and took him back to her and Brian’s house immediately. He went directly to bed after eating a piece of pizza that Leigh had picked up prior to getting Nick.

            Nick slept until 1 the next day, only waking up because Litty Leigh and Tyke, Brian and Leigh’s dogs, were making noise barking. Brian must have just gotten home he said to himself as he crawled out of bed and padded down the stairs and into the kitchen.

            “Hey man, you just get in?” Nick asked, grabbing a mug and pouring some coffee and putting it in the microwave.

            “Nah, we left at like 6 this morning. I was just getting these guys a treat. Sorry if they woke you,” Brian said, rubbing Tyke’s head.

            “No problem. I should be up anyway. It’s 1:30 or some shit,” Nick said, sitting down at the table. “So how was the party?”

            “Okay I guess. It was fun. Chris and Justin were there so that was cool. I hung out with them most of the time. Your brother was there with Jane. He snuck away and told me he’s going to be in Orlando next week with BJ and that they’ll call you cause Jane won’t be around,” Brian said.

            “Shit. I missed Aaron?” Nick asked. Ever since Nick had come out, Jane had refused to let any of his sisters or Aaron see him but Bob or BJ would always make sure to find Nick some time with his sisters and Aaron when Jane wasn’t around.

            “Yeah, but really you didn’t because Jane was on him like glue last night once she saw we were there. You wouldn’t have gotten anytime with him.  Let’s see what else happened?” Brian asked himself. “Oh yeah, JC and Britney finally came out to the public that they were dating. Justin told me it took him like six months to convince her that it was okay if the public knew about her and JC, especially since he and Chris were out. Which by the way, we all think AJ’s a freak. That boy has nothing on Chris. He’s cool and all, but the man freaks me out dude!” Brian said laughing, which caused Nick to laugh too.

            “I could’ve told you that. When J and I play B-ball, Chris sometimes plays too. The guy is like a 6-year-old stuck in a 35 year old’s body,” Nick said laughing. “So did the other guys have fun?” Nick asked.

            “Yeah, I think so. AJ left early. He had had enough of the whole scene by like 1:30 and went back to the hotel, probably to call Sarah. Howie and Kevin pretty much talked with Clive Calder the entire night. People kept asking where you were. We just said you were sick,” Brian said.

            “Oh, okay. Thanks. Um, do you know what our schedule is this week? My book’s still at the house. I got to figure out what I’m going to do. I guess I could live on the boat. But it wouldn’t fit all my stuff,” Nick said quietly, picking at the sleeve of his long sleeved T-shirt.

            “Not much till Friday and don’t be ridiculous you can stay here as long as you want. Kevin said to tell you to just have me call him and he’ll leave when you want to go over there,” Brian said just as quietly, reaching out for Nick’s hand.

            “Will you do it, Brian? I know that asking a lot but I don’t think I can,” Nick said with tears streaming down his face.