Lauryn:

            The next few days passed quickly, making my time in Europe grow shorter. Things were going well for Brian and I, but I couldn’t help thinking about Kevin. His kiss. His smell. His body. 

            The bus pulled up in front of the Holiday Inn in Bern, and everyone rushed to get off, tired of the tiny confines and lack of privacy. “Hey, meet me tonight,” Kevin whispered in my ear as I grabbed my bag.

            After the show Brian, Shea, Nick, and Andrea went clubbing while I stayed behind to meet with Kevin. I feigned a headache and told them I just wanted to lie down, so the left me behind. Twenty minutes after the posse left, Kevin knocked on my door. “Hey,” I said as I opened the door.

            “Hey,” he said back, entering the room. “I need to talk to you,” he stated, grabbing my hand and dragging me to the table. I sat down slowly, my eyes never releasing their gaze from Kevin’s serious, yet beautiful, face.

            He knelt down in front of me and embraced me tightly, his head pressed against my chest. I ran my fingertips through his hair as he held me, clinging to me as if holding on for dear life. “I can’t do this,” he said, suddenly pulling away. “I can’t watch you with Brian when I want you so much for myself.” With that he kissed me hard, his tongue exploring the contours of my mouth, my arousal evident by the ruddiness of my cheeks.

            Kevin lifted me into his arms and carried me to the bed where we made love. The best I’d ever experienced. I knew my feelings for Brian were fading, almost non-existent, while those for Kevin burned like a fire deep in my chest.

            Afterward, we laid in my tangled sheets, my cheek resting on his sweaty chest. “Kevin, we can’t tell Brian,” I stated solemnly.

            “I know,” he answered.

 

Shea:

 

            As I laid next to Nick that night after returning from the club, my thoughts kept wandering back to AJ This kiss we’d shared in the bus kitchen. How wonderful it felt. It wasn’t as though Nick’s kisses weren’t wonderful too, but AJ’s were different. Rougher. More demanding. Not so sweet as Nick’s. There was something exhilarating about AJ’s lips pressed to mine forcefully. Something that made me blush with uncontrollable arousal. Something that brought a small smile to my lips with just the thought.

            I sighed and snuggled closer to Nick’s warm, sleeping body, his arm wrapping around me subconsciously. I stared into his handsome face, gently tracing his features with the tips of my fingers. It was times like this that made me wonder what in the hell I found so alluring in AJ Why I would even think about him when I had the most handsome, beautiful, sought-after man lying here with me in my bed.

            I closed my eyes, reminiscing about the nights I spent with Nick. Our unbelievable romance. How quickly I had fallen in love with him, and how much I loved him still. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man. This teen heartthrob. But then I thought about AJ again. What it would be like with him? What it would be like to lie next to him in bed? Would he talk to me like Nick did? Would he cuddle me in his arms and kiss my temples, telling me how much he cared for me? Probably not.

            When I reopened my eyes, I found Nick staring at me with his baby blues. “What are you thinking about?” he asked softly.

            “You,” I replied, only telling him half the truth.

            “I love you,” he whispered, kissing the tip of my nose.

            I smiled gently before kissing his lips lightly.

 

Lauryn:

 

            During the last ten days of my trip, things seemed to return to normal. I rode the bus from city to city, venue to venue, and watched Shea and my Boys do what they did best...perform. I never told Shea what happened between Kevin and I, and no one ever suspected to the best of my knowledge. Kevin and I kept a comfortable distance from each other for the remainder of my trip. Comfortable, but not obvious. He still showed his affection toward me in little ways. Ways that wouldn’t lead people to suspect our one night escapade. He’d wink at me as he walked by. Clear my place for me after dinner. Play his keyboards for me when everyone was asleep. It was hard for me to not return the favor. I felt my attraction to Kevin evolve into love while I expunged those same feelings for Brian from my heart. I felt like cringing whenever Brian touched or kissed me, but I smiled sweetly and returned his kisses nonetheless.

            I spent the afternoon before my departure hanging out with Shea like old times, except that we were in Poland instead of Manhattan or Sedgwick. We ate a light lunch, did some window shopping, and just bs’d about the tour, our Boys, friends, and enemies. I thought about telling Shea about Kevin, but I couldn’t. I already felt guilty about cheating on Brian after I got so mad at him for doing the same to me. Only, mine affair was worse. I had actually had sex with Brian’s cousin and band mate. As far as I knew, Brian had only kissed Andrea. I didn’t need Shea to pour more salt in my already guilty wounds.

            “What do you have planned for tonight?” Shea asked, taking a slurp of her Cappuccino Americana.

            “Brian and I are going out for dinner. I don’t know where, but he told me to be dressed to the nines,” I answered unenthusiastically. “What about you?” I inquired.

            “Oh, I don’t know. I think Nick and I are going to stay in tonight. Watch a couple movies. Do anything else that...comes up!” She burst into a fit of hysterical laughter. The people at the next table gazed at us in wonderment, smiles creasing their round faces.

            “Shea, calm down!” I ordered through my laughs. She finally regained her composure, tossed some change onto the table, and we left. “I’ll talk to you later,” I stated as I opened the door to mine and Brian’s room.

            “Ciao, Sweetie!” She blew me a dramatized kiss before entering her and Nick’s room.

            I walked into the hotel room and saw a note taped to the TV.

 

Hey, Pooka...

I’ll be there to pick you up at 8. See you soon.

Love, Brian

I crumpled the note and tossed it in the wastebasket as I walked to the bathroom to take a shower.

 

Brian:

 

            I paced the small stretch of hall just outside Andrea’s door, waiting for her to answer. A minute passed, and still the door remained closed. I knocked again, and the door flew open. “Come in,” Andrea said quietly, opening the door wider.

            I entered her darkened room. “You wanted to talk to me?” I questioned, my voice emotionless. I looked at her closely. Her eyes were red from crying, and her body looked emotionally drained. “What’s wrong?” I asked, concern now audible in my words.

            “My boyfriend Jake just broke up with me,” she squeaked before bursting into tears.

            Instinctively, I wrapped my arms around her, pulling her close. She buried her face in my neck, her hot tears soaking my collar. “It’ll be okay. I’m here for you,” I whispered, rubbing her back comfortingly.

            She pulled back and stared into my face with tear-filled eyes. “Do you mean that?” she sobbed.

            “Yes. I do,” I replied, stroking her hair. She kissed my cheek lightly before pressing her lips to mine. I tried to pull away, but she held my face to hers. Soon, I realized I didn’t want to pull away. I’d forgotten what it was like to kiss her. How much I liked to kiss her.

            “Please don’t leave me,” she whispered into my neck. “I don’t want to be alone tonight. I need you.”

            I looked at my watch. It was 7:30. I had a date with Lauryn, but I wanted to stay with Andrea. What was I going to do?

 

Lauryn:

 

            I sat on the edge of the bed, watching the news in a royal blue evening gown. It was ten after eight, and Brian still hadn’t shown up for our date. Suddenly, the phone rang shrilly causing me to jump. “Hello?” I answered.

            “Hey, Pooka. I’m sorry, but something came up and I won’t be able to make our date,” Brian said softly.

            I swore I heard a woman giggle in the background, but figured I was being paranoid. The only time Brian spoke to or saw Andrea was when they were performing on stage together. “That’s okay. I understand. You’re a man in demand,” I replied, my shoulders dropping in both disappointment and relief. “You’re still taking me to the airport tomorrow, right?”

            “Of course. Bright and early. I’ll see you when I get back. Love you,” Brian answered.

            I slammed the phone down after I’d heard the click on the other end. I unzipped my gown, and slid into a pair of ratty, old sweatpants and a grubby T-shirt, washed the makeup off my face, and pulled my freshly curled hair into a ponytail.

            I grabbed a bag of beer nuts and two small bottles of Tequila from the mini bar, hopped into bed, and ordered Gladiator on Pay-per-view. Half way through the movie, there was a knock on my door. I licked the salt from my fingers, finished my second bottle of booze, and went to answer the door. “Hey, Kevin,” I said as I opened the door.

            “Hey, beautiful. What are you doing?” he asked.

            “Watching Gladiator,” I replied. “Wanna join me?”

            Kevin smiled and nodded, and I stepped aside to let him in. I closed the door and turned around to find Kevin standing directly in front of me. He cupped my face in his hands, and kissed me lightly. “You look beautiful, Lauryn,” he whispered.

            “Yeah. Sweats and a T-shirt is a really good look for me,” I said sarcastically.

            “It is,” Kevin said with all seriousness. I felt the redness creeping up my neck to flush my cheeks. He rubbed his thumbs across my cheeks, his hands still cupping my rosy face. He kissed my forehead, the tip of my nose, my lips. He devoured my mouth hungrily, his tongue roaming the inside. When the kiss ended, my lips pulsated, yearning for more.

 

 

Kevin:

 

            I wanted her so much, so badly. I wanted to feel myself inside her, our motions and emotions as one. I wanted her with me for the rest of my life.

            I lifted her T-shirt up and over her head. I tossed it to the floor and stared at her naked, beautiful breasts. I cupped one in each hand as I took her mouth again. She yanked at my shirt, pulling it free from the waist of my jeans. Quickly, I ripped it off and tossed it to the floor with hers.

            Lauryn kissed my chest, tracing her tongue around my nipple. Her hands slid down the back of my jeans, her fingertips resting just inside the waist of my boxers. I nibbled on her neck, my hands finding their way down the back of her sweatpants to cup her perfect ass. With our lips sealed together, Lauryn unbuttoned my jeans, slid them over my buttocks, and let them fall in a pile around my ankles. My boxers soon followed, Lauryn gazing at my naked torso with her loving blue eyes.

            I kissed down her neck, across her collarbones, between her breasts to the top edge of her sweats, my fingers creeping inside to pull them from her body. I laid her on the bed and soon our motions become one together, expressing our love in a way we both knew was wrong in our hearts. We laid there afterward, glazed in a pleasant sweat. “I love you, Kevin,” Lauryn whispered softly.

            “I love you more,” I whispered back, kissing her forehead.

 

Brian:

 

            Andrea and I sat at her table, devouring our recently delivered room service with unquenchable appetites. I’d stayed with Andrea, canceling my date with my girlfriend, but nothing happened between us besides the kissing. I was trying to stay pure until marriage. Not entirely pure because I’d experienced things in high school and when we first started touring, but as pure as I could be now.

            Andrea flipped though a People magazine as she sipped her soda. Suddenly, the soda sprayed forth from her mouth as she sputtered, trying to catch her breath. “What is it?” I asked, stabbing a fry with my fork. Andrea handed me the magazine, her whole body jerking with uncontrollable coughs. I stared at the page, anger, sadness, and betrayal seeping into body through my eyes.

            There in the “Star Tracks” was a picture, a big picture, of Kevin and Lauryn, their lips pressed together in a “more than friends” way.

            “Where’s Brian? That’s the question we asked ourselves when we saw this picture of Backstreet Boy Brian Littrell’s girlfriend, Lauryn Matthews, engaged in a romantic lip-lock with Littrell’s cousin and fellow Backstreet Boy, Kevin Richardson,” the caption read.

            My blood bubbled in my veins with anger. “I’ll be right back,” I said to Andrea.

            “Brian,” Andrea began, grabbing my arm, “I’m not fond of Lauryn, but don’t do anything stupid,” she finished.

            I kissed her cheek. “I won’t. Don’t worry.” I opened the door and slammed it roughly behind me.

 

Lauryn:

 

            Kevin sat on the sofa watching a re-order of Gladiator. Suddenly, the door burst open, and Brian stormed into the room. Kevin rose to his feet. “You sonofabitch!” Brian yelled, flying across the room and pelting Kevin in the cheek.

            “Brian, what’s going on?” I asked innocently, hoping he didn’t know about the relationship between Kevin and me.

            “This!” he shouted, flinging a magazine at me. I tentatively opened the magazine, and turned the pages until I found the one that had Brian so upset. Kevin and I kissing in the airport terminal.

            Kevin stood behind me, staring at the picture with wide eyes, rubbing the now tender spot on his left cheek. “Brian, let me explain,” I started.

            “Oh! This ought to be good!” Brian laughed, throwing his hands in the air.

            “It isn’t what it looks like,” I started again.

            “Well, I don’t know. It looks like your kissing Kevin to me,” Brian remarked with severe sarcasm.

            “Will you just listen to me?!” I screamed. Brian shut his gaping mouth, and stared at me bright-eyes, waiting for me to continue.

            “Some fans stopped us outside the Frankfurt airport. They begged me to kiss her. I didn’t want to disappoint the fans,” Kevin interjected.

            Brian closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. “This isn’t going to work for us,” I stated softly. “Maybe we should call it quits while we can still salvage some friendship.”

            Brian nodded slowly, and turned to walk away. He spun around and enveloped me in his arms. “I don’t want it to end. I love you,” he cried into my hair.

            I wrapped my arms around Brian’s neck, and looked over at Kevin. He had guilt and grief written all over his masculine face. My chin quivered. “I love you too,” I whispered into Brian’s ear. I didn’t feel guilty about saying it. I meant it. Those feelings I thought had vanished, resurfaced when Brian confessed his feeling to me.

            Kevin walked toward the door, touching my hand on his way by. I looked at him, the tears blurring my vision so I couldn’t see his face clearly. ‘I’m sorry,’ I mouthed. He stroked my hair and left, not a word spoken from his lips. The door closed softly. Brian and I stood there for a long time, holding each other. I didn’t know what to do. How could I choose between Brian and Kevin when I loved them both with all my heart?

 

Kevin:

 

            I closed the door slowly behind me, Lauryn’s face etched in my memory. The look in her eyes telling me her guilt and shame. She still loved Brian. I knew it. She knew it. Things would never change. She wants the best of both worlds. She wants us both. She doesn’t want to have to make the decision of who she wants to be with, so I’m making it for her. I love her more than anything, but I can’t deal with this. The lying, cheating, inability to commit to one person and one person only.

            I opened my hotel room door, and paced around the two-room suite like a caged animal without anywhere to go. I couldn’t take it anymore. I snatched the phone up and pushed “1.”

            “Yes. This is Alan Cooper in Suite 28. Can you please get a rental car for me in ten minutes?” I asked the desk clerk, using the alias to protect me from the fans.

            “Right away, sir. We’ll call you when it arrives,” the woman replied.

            “Don’t. I’ll be down in the lobby,” I stated quickly before she had the chance to hang up.

            “Yes, sir,” she said. I hung up the phone, grabbed my jacket from the back of the door and stormed out, slamming the door behind me.

 

Shea:

 

            “That’s the third door I’ve heard slammed in the last ten minutes,” I noted to Nick as we laid watching X-men. “And they all sound like they are in our area,” I added, crawling out of bed and throwing on my break-aways and a sweatshirt.

            “Where are you going?” Nick whined, trying to pull me back under the covers.

            “Nick, I’ll be right back. I’m just going to see what’s going on,” I said, struggling to pry myself from his arms.

            I opened the door, and spied Kevin walking quickly down the hall. Well, not walking. Storming. I trotted down the hall to catch up. “Kevin! Wait!” I shouted. He just kept walking. I quickened my pace until I was almost at a run. “Kevin!” I gasped breathlessly, grabbing his arm. He looked down at me with angry, yet saddened, eyes. The brims were red like he wanted to cry, but his masculinity kept him from doing so in public. “Where are you going?” I asked.

            “Out!” he snapped.

            “Well, that’s helpful,” I remarked dryly.

            “Shea! Let go! That’s all I’m saying!” Kevin ripped his arm from my grasp and ran down the remainder of the hall to the stairs.

            Once again I ran to catch up, stopping him at the door leading to the stairs. “Please, Kevin! Talk to me! You’ve got me worried!” I pleaded.

            “You want to know, go ask Lauryn.” With that he shoved past me and down the stairs to the lobby.

            Slowly, I walked back to Lauryn and Brian’s room and knocked lightly. “Hey, Shea,” Brian greeted me when he opened the door. “Come in.”

            I slid past Brian and found Lauryn curled up in a ball, tucked tightly under her covers, a Kleenex clutched in her hand. “Is she okay?” I asked Brian quietly.

            “Yeah, I think so. We had quite the little burst of emotion and outrage earlier. I think she’s just drained,” Brian explained.

            “Can I talk to Lauryn privately for a minute?” I asked politely.

            “Sure. I’ll go bug Nicky,” Brian complied.

            After he left I sat next to Lauryn on the bed, stroking her hair softly. “Kevin’s leaving. Tell me what’s going on. He told me to find out from you,” I stated.

            She laid absolutely silent for a moment. “What?! Kevin’s leaving?!” she gasped, finally acknowledging what I’d said.

            I nodded. “He just left,” I replied. Lauryn scrambled out of bed and bolted out the door, leaving me in her dust. I followed her, but she was already in the elevator by the time I caught up.

 

Lauryn:

 

            I emerged from the elevator and frantically scanned the lobby for Kevin. I spied him hiding behind a newspaper in a secluded corner. Quietly, I approached him. “Where are you going?” I questioned meekly.

            “Out,” he snapped.

            “Where?” I questioned again, my chin beginning to quiver.

            He stared directly into the newspaper, avoiding my presence and my question. “Excuse me, sir. You’re car is here,” the clerk interrupted hesitantly. Kevin nodded her a thanks, rose, and left the hotel, climbing into a boxy German rental.

            Before he could tell me no, I hopped into the passenger’s seat. “Get out!” he shouted at me.

            “I’m not getting out ‘til you tell me that fuck is going on!” I shouted back.

            He brought his hand up and for a minute I thought he’d strike me, but her ran it through his hair, sighing loudly. Without saying a word, he peeled out of the hotel lot and headed out of town.

 

Nick:

 

            “Hey, B-Rok. What’s up?” I asked, answering the door and tightening my robe belt.

            “Your girl is talking to mine, so I thought I come harass your punk ass for a while,” Brian replied.

            “Come on in. I’ll kick your ass at some Mario Brothers,” I stated grabbing my dual Game Boys from my duffel bag.

            Brian and I sat on the sofa playing the Game Boys, not talking but staring directly at the tiny screens. Brian broke the silence. “So, I don’t know what to do.”

            “About what?” I inquired, my eyes still glued to the screen and miniature players.

            “Lauryn and Andrea,” Brian stated. “I love Lauryn. I like Andrea a lot, but I’m not sure who I want to spend the rest of my life with.”

            “Why the confusion? You just said you loved Lauryn. There’s your answer,” I remarked.

            “I don’t know. Something’s fishy about her and Kevin. Maybe I’m just paranoid,” Brian laughed,

            “Probably. Just relax. Lauryn wouldn’t cheat on you,” I agreed.

            Just then Shea barged through the door. “Hey, honey,” I called.

            Shea didn’t respond. “Where’s Lauryn? She asleep?” Brian questioned.

            “No. I don’t know where she is. She left,” Shea spat.

            “Where did she go?” Brian asked worriedly, jumping to his feet.

            “I don’t know. To get some fresh air,” Shea snapped before bolting to the bathroom and locking the door.

            Brian and I looked at each other with confused, questioning eyes. I shut off my Game Boy and Brian left in search of Lauryn.

 

 

 

Shea:

 

            “Shea, can I come in?” Nick asked through the closed door, knocking lightly.

            I unlocked the door and Nick walked in, sitting next to me on the edge of the tub. “Do you want to talk about it?” Nick asked cautiously.

            I wiped the tears from my eyes with the back of my hand and nodded slowly. “I think there’s something going on between Lauryn and Kevin,” I whispered meekly.

            “Brian said the same thing earlier. I’m sure it’s nothing. You know how close those two are. It’s probably nothing more than friendship,” Nick remarked, gently stroking the back of my head. I buried my face in his neck and sighed, trying to convince myself that it was completely innocent.

 

Kevin:

 

            “I don’t want this. I don’t need this,” I said plainly. Lauryn and I had stopped in an overgrown field after driving on endless miles of Polish highway.

            “Kevin, how can you say that?” she questioned through ragged breaths.

            “I can’t deal with this charade anymore. I can’t do this to my cousin no matter how much I want and love you. This has to end and end now before we hurt some we both care about very much,” I explained.

            Lauryn bawled into the sleeves of my jacket around her shoulders. “I’m sorry, Lauryn, but this is how it has to be.”

            “I don’t understand, Kevin. I love you. I love you with all my heart,” she cried.

            “No. You love Brian with some of that heart too. You have to make the decision of who you want to be with. Until you can, I’m out,” I retorted.

            I started the car and headed back toward the hotel, Lauryn sobbing hysterically in the seat next to me.

 

Lauryn:

 

            I reentered mine and Brian’s room after gazing longingly at Kevin for the last time. Brian was already asleep, curled into a small ball. I stood at the foot of the bed for the longest time just watching Brian sleep, and a smile crossed my face. Brian was the right choice. Or at least I hoped so.

            I crawled into bed and scooted close to him. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed the back of my neck. “You okay?” he asked softly. I nodded, closing my eyes and drifting off into an uneasy, dream-filled sleep.

            I woke a couple hours later, and began packing my things. I’d be leaving for Manhattan in less than two hours, hoping everything that happened here would stay behind. Brian and Shea drove me to the airport. Shea didn’t so much as mutter two words to me, but continued to stare at me with skeptical eyes.

            I hugged Brian at the gate, kissing him lightly, and promising to call when I arrived back at my apartment. Shea embraced me tightly. “I wish you’d talk to me,” she whispered before pulling herself from my arms.

            I kissed her cheek lightly. “I will, Shea. When the time is right.” Little did I know how soon that time would come.