Clash of the Titans: Buddha vs the Taliban.

Sadiqi az-Zindiki, Abd al-Buddha Faaqidullah & Siddh�rtha bin Nietzsche

� The Three Mushrik-teers, All Rights Reserved.

Last Updated: 11th March 2001

The Taliban are misunderstood superheroes. The Freethought Mecca team tries to reveal the thankless struggle they endure to protect us from the vengeful space phantom, Allah. The ruling spirit on high has taught us, through His prophets, that venerating any sort of idol or effigy is lunacy, abject silliness, and nothing more than an odious sin. The judicious and sagacious Mujahideen who have dedicated themselves to the complete destruction of any sort of wretched simulacrum found within their borders are great men indeed.

Allah wants us to bear malice toward the ungodly mushrikeen and their treachery. Idolatry is a deplorable and repugnant custom that finds its origin with none other than the villainously foul fiend, Mephistopheles, AKA Shaytaan! The call to Islam, however, has raised the bile of the otherwise peaceful Buddhists, and a mighty clash is about to ensue. Is the fury of a mob of infuriated Tibetan monks any match for the wrath of Allah?

The recent struggle to save or destroy (depending on who you�re playing for) the great Buddhist statues in Afghanistan has become yet another example of the kind of idiocy one finds in an area saturated with fundamentalists. The intolerance of black-hearted Monotheists is not the only sad sight; rather we also have witnessed the emergence of the raging Buddhist, the most pernicious paradox we have ever seen.

Buddhist Statues Are Hereby TaaliBANNED!

As-Salaamu 'alaikum waZahmatullaahi waHarakaatuhu. Amma ba'd:

To quote Britney Spears - you see, the problem is this: we've got a whole lot of EVIL things in this world. There's diseases, floods, famines, earthquakes, canine dung everywhere we walk, George Bush and Britney Spears. Yeah, you gotta face it: it's EVIL and it's HERE. So what is the solution? Glad you asked!

Al-Islaam huwa l-Khaal

No, wait! That sentence means, "Islam is the Uncle", you fool! OK, what I meant to say was:

Al-Islaam huwa l-Hall

Ah, that's better. Islam is the Solution. Now, all you infidel devils, before you scoff, listen to the reasoning of that statement. Allah (He exists!) is omnipotent (but a little deaf sometimes) and omniscient (so much so that he regrets creating the human race and sends a flood to destroy them), and everything that transpires in the world does so according to His will. So if, for example, you walk in the street and suddenly misdirect your shoe towards a sample of Excrementum Canis, you can be sure that it happened because you're not doing the will of Allah. The only solution to this is Islam. It's tested and proven. (If a Muslim should step on digested dog food then he's probably on his way to apostasy and should be killed as remedial treatment)

Now that it has been proven that all the EVIL in the world is caused by disobeying Allah (naughty children! How dare you disobey...), it is imperative to take the necessary steps to repair the world. Taking shahaada is a bare minimum. What we also must do is, eradicate those contraptions which raise Allah's ire most, and lead people astray from true Tawheed. I'm talking about idols, man, about statues, Allah haafiz.

Allah can't stand statues! He just can't stand it when one of His creations bows before a statue of Zeus or Buddha instead of kissing His black stone. The very existence of those idols threatens to usurp His omnipotent reign. Verily Allah is jealous of such abominations. Truly He is jealous that His creations shall bow before Him and no other. For if someone should bow before a different deity, Allah becomes very downhearted. You wouldn't want to spoil Allah's appetite, would you?

In the glorious days when we had Muhammad sallallaahu'alaihiwasallam as prophet to guide us by downloading Qur'an-bytes from Allah's FTP site (now 404 Not Found, of course), Muhammad jaa'atillaatu'alaihiwastamta'at pointed his staff at the statues of Mecca and they were smashed instantly. With such grace was he endowed, but we are not so gifted. We can point our sticks at the statues till the cows come home, or shout the anti-idol incantation which begins the Song of Sulaymaan: Hubal Hubalim HaKol Hubal!, yet nothing would happen. So Allah gave us heavy artillery and high explosives in place of that wondrous staff. We point them at the statues (and press the trigger) and there they go. The statues are reduced to dust, ad maiorem Dei gloriam.

As the great philosopher Adh-Dhiraa'u l-Qawiy said: that's one small statue for me, and a giant heap for mankind. With the demise of the statues we can expect things to get a lot better. The EVILs besetting mankind will be cured. Britney Spears will lose her voice. Dogs will acquire the habit of committing their food into a toilet (and humans the other way round? I leave it to you to speculate. All is possible unto Allah). That is all by virtue of eliminating idol-worship and Western and Eastern Ilhaad (Atheism and Buddhism respectively). There is no need to devise a complicated financial system or a convoluted educational plan or a cumbersome judicial administration when all you have to do is Islam. Instead of wearing yourselves out applying a particular solution to each problem, apply the cure-all panacea which was given to us nearly 14 centuries ago.

The Qur'an, like the Torah for the Jews (although it is corrupted, you should know), holds all the secrets of the universe. Not convinced? Here is what the Afghan mullah Muhammad Omar said to Western media:

"They talk about ignorance? An ignorant person is only such who cannot recite the Qur'an by heart".

There you have it. A testimony from people who have evolved far beyond Homo Sapiens. For Homo Sapiens evolved from a chimpanzee, but that is not the final stage of evolution. The final stage is to evolve into the species of Psitticaformes Divina - Divine Parrot.

No, you're not mistaken; those really are Buddhists holding signs that say the Taliban must be punished! Well, I guess this means the Buddhists aren't the fun loving pacifists they once were. Who is going to punish the Taliban? Will they be sent to Jahannam? Oh no, wait, there is no concept of salvation and punishment in Buddhism. So who is going to punish the Taliban? A better question might be "what the heck is up with the Budddhists today?"

While the barbaric destruction of these ancient statues in the name of some absurd form of Arabo-Judaic iconoclasm is a tragedy, the behavior of the world's Buddhists has been even more troubling. When Buddhist monks are seen walking through the streets of Bombay chanting "death to the Taliban," you wonder if they're really on the path to enlightenment. Buddhist monks beating up mock-Talibs is just as silly as a Mujahedin firing rockets into the groin of a 2,000 year old statue.

One question that should be asked is the following: If the Buddha were alive today, assuming he was an historical character, what would he say about this? An honest Buddhist would admit that he would just shrug his shoulders and say nothing more. The ontology of a 150-foot statue does not have anything to do with one's quest for "enlightenment," thus the behavior of the Buddhists seems strangely inappropriate.

Then again, the Buddhists these days have gone completely nuts. While we could always rely on the Monotheist Fundos to be violent and irrational, the thought of "Fundamentalist Tibetan Monks" was always seen as a joke. Unfortunately this is not the case. The Buddhists have followed the Muslims' lead, and now they're acting like greedy savages as well. In December of 1998 there was a near riot at the Chogye temple in South Korea, as Buddhist monks fought one another (possibly over rights to parking spaces for their BMWs). Police, acting on a court order, stormed the temple, ending the 40-day standoff between rival monks. However, more than a dozen cops were hurt in scuffles with knife-wielding Buddhist thugs [see image].

As we discuss in the article on Jahannam, Buddhist monks have done some amazing things in protest of threats to their way of life (such as setting themselves ablaze without screaming). Now however, the Buddhist monks are not showing any sort of ability to come up with a creative way to capture the world's attention. Instead they're opting for the tired old Islamic-style objections, which are really quite crude.

What this teaches us is that the iconoclasm and intolerance in the Buddhist-Hindu territories has done more than just physical damage. There used to be no such thing as Hindu nationalism, but the Hindus had to create it as a reaction to centuries of Muslim oppression. The destruction of Hindu temples was met centuries later with the destruction of Indian masajeed. Now the Buddhists, having tasted the pain of getting kicked by Christians, Muslims, and Communists, refuse to try and meditate away the bruises; instead, they're picking up clubs and guns, and are ready to join the frey! The term Nirvana literally means "to blow out the flame," so I suppose being a suicide bomber can help one achieve enlightenment as well as a free ticket to Jennah. There is no self; rather everything is nothing, and nothing is everything. TAKBIR!