Selected Stories - 1998 - Tom
Miller
Scraps the Cat Tries to Get Some Pussy
There once was a cat named Scraps. Now Scraps was looking to get laid, but none of the lady cats were in heat. He would walk up to them with his pickup line; "Hey, hot ass. How’d you like me to stick my barbed penis in your puckered hole?" But they would say, "Sorry. Not in heat this week." So Scraps, who was a horny orange tabby with a giant set of balls, decided he was going to fuck something else. Anything, in fact, just to bust a nut. He went strolling around the neighborhood and he saw an armadillo. "Now there’s something to fuck," he thought to himself. He ran over to the armadillo and began to mount it, but the armadillo rolled up into an impenetrable ball.
"Leave me alone, you dirty cat," said the armadillo. "I don’t want sex, I want to eat trash."
"Fine!" Said Scraps in a huff, "I didn’t want your ugly ass trailer park snatch anyway!" And he stormed off to look for other opportunities.
Soon, he came across a skunk sniffing around an old discarded bologna sandwich. Scraps ran up to the skunk and began to mount it. "Get me some! Get me some!" Scraps shouted. But the skunk, who seemingly was offering her ass, ejected a brown stream of foul smelling juice and Scraps was sprayed down.
"Jesus Christ," said Scraps. "What did you have to go and do that for?"
"Serves you right," said the skunk. "Think with your mind. Not with your little kitty prick." The skunk wandered off into the woods.
"I’m getting nowhere," said Scraps. "All I wanted was a little attention. Someone to love me. A little affection, is that too much to ask? Isn’t there anyone out there who loves me enough to get fucked? Where is the love?"
Just then, a little girl came skipping down the sidewalk and saw Scraps lying on the ground looking dejected. When Scraps saw the little girl, he thought to himself, "Well maybe, if I can get her to pet me just right, I’ll shoot my load. Maybe there might be some love after all." He rolled on his back, offering up his giant furry nuts and he began to purr. The little girl walked up and said, "Mother of God, you stink like shit." Then she pulled out a BB pistol and shot the cat in the eye, the mouth, and the ass.
And the moral of the story is, when kids play with BB guns, cats die.
End
Hoof
In a small village called Chesta Plenty, there lived a little girl named Hoof. She was named Hoof because of the fact that one of her feet was a foot, but the other foot was a Hoof. When Hoof would walk around, her feet would make this sound: swoosh, thunk, swoosh, thunk. This made the other villagers laugh. One day, Hoof was on her way to the market to sell some peanuts she had harvested from her very own peanut farm, when a boy came running by and threw shit on her.
"Now you have shit on you, and a hoof foot," and then he began to laugh.
"You little monster!" Hoof exclaimed. "I’ll get you and I'll beat you!" She ran after the boy, but her hoof prevented her from running as fast as the boy could, and soon he was miles out of sight. Hoof sat down and began to cry.
"What did I ever do to deserve this fate?" she asked aloud. Suddenly, a magic fairy appeared in a cloud of twinkle dust.
"Don’t worry, Hoof. Things will soon be better."
"Really?" asked Hoof. "Are you going to magically repair my Hoof so I won’t be the butt of everyone’s jokes?"
"No." said the fairy, "But I am going to change things for you." She waved her magic wand and Hoof turned from a little girl into a beautiful stallion. "Now you’re beautiful. Take care and remember… dreams DO come true."
The fairy disappeared and Hoof went walking off to show the boy how beautiful she was.
Clop clop clop… swoosh Clop clop clop… swoosh
The End
Betty Meets the Loch Ness Monster
One day Betty was searching for the Loch Ness Monster when she saw something move in the water. She got out her camera and prepared to photograph the legendary animal. It’s giant head emerged and then it began to speak.
"Hi there," It said. "I’m the Loch Ness Monster."
"Oh my God," said Betty. "You speak."
"I sure do," the Monster replied. It then began to shake the boat and Betty was tossed about like a puppy in a blender.
"Stop shaking the boat, so I can get a clear picture," she asked politely.
"Oh, no," the monster said. That’s not how it works. Nobody takes a clear picture of the Loch Ness Monster.
"I know," said Betty, "but I want to be the first."
"You aren’t the first and you won’t be the last," said the monster, and then he ate Betty, the camera, and the boat. Later, Betty was digested in the monster’s stomach by powerful acid.
End
Garbage Can Stan
Stan liked to pick in the trash for valuable things. Every so often, he would find a lamp, or a book, or sometimes even a statue. Today, he found a robot.
"I am Gronk," the robot said.
"Wow," said Stan to himself. "A robot." And then he asked the robot, "What are you programmed to do?"
"Kill kill kill," the robot replied. Then the robot reached into Stan’s skull and pulled his brain and spine out through his neck.
Now whose going to turn on the lamp, read the book, or admire the statue?
End
Maggot the Maggot
There once was a tiny maggot living in an old bowl of leftover gruel. He was twisting around and eating the gruel when another maggot wiggled over next to him.
"What do you want, Maggot?" asked Maggot the Maggot.
"I want to wiggle on top of you," Faggot the Maggot replied.
They made sweet love and then turned into flies. Later, they ate garbage and shit, and three days after, they died.
End
Henry the Fancy Bird
Henry was a fancy bird. When he wanted to show everyone how fancy he was, he spread his magnificent tail and the plumage looked like a rainbow. One day, he was strutting along the sidewalk eating sunflower seeds, when he saw a leprechaun.
"I’ll show the leprechaun how fancy I am, and maybe he’ll give me a four leaf clover." Henry spread his tail and the leprechaun, more out of instinct than desire, followed the rainbow around to the Fancy Bird’s asshole where he began digging for the pot of gold.
When it was all said and done, Henry the Bird was covered in shit, and he weren’t Fancy no more. And the leprechaun? He did give something to the bird after all, but it wasn’t a four leaf clover. It was anal trauma.
The End
Is Everything Always About Shit?
One day, a piece of shit was walking around smelling the flowers, when suddenly it was squashed. A gentleman bent down and apologized to the shit for stepping on it.
"I don’t really mind," the shit said. "After all, it’s the reason I’m here."
End
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