Selected Stories - 1998 - Tom
Miller
Animals Do It - Why Don't We!
Yesterday, I went to the mall. And I was sitting there minding my own business when this lady walked up to me and sat down next to me. She leaned over and said, "Would you like to slurp the clam?"
"Excuse me?" I asked. "What did you say?"
"You know," she said. "How about a sniff of my muskrat."
"Pardon me?" I said.
"You know," she said. "Let’s bongo. You know. You want your lizard warm? Put your worm in a hole? I got it. How about it? Let’s monkey."
If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear she was trying to pick me up for sex or something. But her approach was so bizarre and she was so much older than me, that I wasn’t really getting hot about it.
I thought maybe I had better clarify things so I was very blunt.
"Are you looking to fuck lady?"
"Huh?" she said.
"You want to bang me?"
"What the hell are you talking about?" she asked.
"I’m asking you if you need me to stick my cock in your cunt."
"I don’t understand." She said. And then we sat there for awhile and we didn’t speak.
I thought I might have made a mistake. Maybe she was looking for something else. Now I had embarrassed myself, and I felt the need to apologize, and so I said, "Lady, I’m sorry. Forgive my outburst."
"No problem," she said. "I’m sorry too. I thought you got my meaning." A few minutes passed, and then she leaned over and said, "I’ve got the goose if you got the gander."
"Huh?" I asked.
"I’m telling you that if you need to slurp a snail, I got it."
"Are you asking me to eat you out?" I asked.
"What?" she asked.
"You want cunalingus? Is that what you’re saying?"
"Are you sick or something?" she asked me. Now I was getting confused.
"Well what do you want then?" I asked her. "Say it in plain English."
"I’m trying to tell you," she said. "How’d you like to stick a snake in my mud patch?"
"What?" I said. "That sounds like fucking to me."
"Well," she said, "Whatever you think, it’s not what I mean. And whatever your looking for, it’s not what I have. So let’s go to my place and misunderstand each other."
"Okay." I said.
I followed her to her car and we drove to her place. She invited me into her living room. "Pour yourself a drink. I’ll be right back." When she left, I began to take off my clothing. Well, what the hell else did I have to do on a Friday afternoon. I took off my shirt, my pants, my underwear, and began to massage my shrunken cock. Soon, little Ed began to grow. Soon, little Ed was a raging hard-on looking around with his eye for a place to shoot. Then I stuck my finger up my ass and it felt really good. I squatted down, hunched over and tried to suck my own dick, and the lady came back into the room with a hand full of cages. When she saw me, she dropped the cages and began to scream. I looked up at her and realized by the printing on her T-shirt that she was a volunteer worker for the Santa Fe Wildlife Sanctuary. She had simply wanted to show me some of her pets.
Silly me standing there with my finger in my ass and my dick in my mouth. "I am so sorry," I said. "I had no idea you meant what you said. You must forgive me." I left her apartment and learned a very valuable lesson that day:
Don’t cum in your own mouth.
End
Dirk Dickenstein - Host of Championship Wrestling
Good afternoon fans and welcome to the Psychodrome for World of Wrestling Championship of the Universe. In the blue corner, weighing in at three hundred and seventy-three pounds: The Mask of Zygos!
And in the red corner, weighing in at four hundred and eighty pounds, the crusher from Russia: Glockenspiel Stolichnyeh. And there’s the bell.
Zygos and Stoli circling… eyeing each other with great intent… Stoli flexing his muscles… Zygos growling ferociously… and they lock up! My God! This isn’t a fight, ladies and gentleman, this is war. This is nuclear Armageddon. This is an asteroid striking the earth. This is Godzilla. This is Godzilla.
Zygos with the clothes hanger and Stoli is down. What a devastating opening move for the young Russian. Zygos circling around like a hawk and he is up in the air… Ohhh! He lands with an elbow to the face of Stoli, and there it is… the figure four. Figure four. There is no getting out of this one, folks. Right off the bat, Zygos dominating in this first round. Unbelievable! Wait. Zygos is reaching for the Russian’s shorts. He is pulling them off. My God, will you look at the size of that dick. That is a monster. This is something we have never seen on championship wrestling. Most wrestler's dicks are very tiny, but this is a gigantic spectacle. It looks like a loaf of French bread. And Zygos has the head of Stoli’s dick in an arm lock, AND has the figure four at the same time. Incredible.
And the dick is down. The dick is shrinking. But wait… Stoli seems to be getting out of the figure four. As impossible as it may seem, he’s powering out of the move. What force. What phenomenal strength. He is just twisting right out of it… he’s out… he’s up… Oooo! And an elbow to the face followed by a knee to the groin and now Zygos is down. Stoli reaching for Zygos’ pants, he has them firmly in his grasp, he has them down… and there’s the little penis we come to expect from championship wrestling. Look at that peanut, will you? It’s humiliating. And now Stoli’s dick is beginning to grow. This is what we thought might happen, ladies and gentleman. The referee is having a conference with the dick, but it seems to continue to expand no matter what the ref says. Stoli on top of Zygos now, his knee buried in Zygos’ back, and he is moving the dick over the posterior of Zygos, and…
What is he going to do? This is a move we have never seen before. He seems to be sticking his dick into Zygos’ ass… there seems to be some penetration… Zygos’ legs are shaking, his back is arched, his face is in anguish… and Stoli is in there all the way with a full penis to the rectum.
In...credible! Un...believable!
Stoli is pumping Zygos relentlessly. Zygos is fucked, ladies and gentlemen. He is fucked up the ass with all ten pounds of that kilbasa prime grade A sausage. But wait. Stoli seems to be in tremendous pain. Something is going on here… yes, it seems that Zygos, is squeezing the tenderloin with his sphincter. He’s getting to his feet, Stoli hanging out of him, and he’s starting to spin. He’s going faster. Look at this— Stoli is stuck in the ass of Zygos, and Zygos is literally spinning him around like a carnival swing. Faster, faster, and there he goes… flying into the stands. This is outrageous. Stoli is not getting up.
Zygos is in the middle of the ring, and he seems to be squatting. What is he going to do? He’s squatting down, and straining, and—Holy Alluishes —that’s Stoli's dick there on the boxing ring floor. That’s a big severed organ throbbing, squeezed out of the ass of Zygos.
Dis...gusting! Un...be...lievable!
The referee is counting.
10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1 and it’s all over. Zygos is the winner by a good foot and a half.
End
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