Selected Stories - 1998 - Tom
Miller
Big Fat Bloody Tampon in my Soup
The waitress came and presented the soup. It looked wonderful. You could see all the fresh cut vegetables floating in the chicken broth. Then, the waitress said, "And here’s a tampon for your soup." She reached under her dress and pulled out the biggest tampon I had ever seen. She swung it around by the string, splattering blood on all the customers. I guess she was going to get extra tips tonight. Then, she let it drop into the soup which splashed on my face. Now I had soup and blood on my face, and I smiled.
Eating Cow Shit
He carefully, quietly, stepped over to the cow. Then he got on his back and positioned himself so his face was directly beneath the cow’s asshole. He opened his mouth. It seemed like an eternity, and he remembered the wedding. Everything had been perfect. She was beautiful. Her scent was like lilacs in the forest. They made sweet love. They bought a house with a white picket fence. She cooked wonderful meals for him and he worked to make ends meet. Making love was always something new. He might come home and find rose petals leading to the bedroom, where candles would be lit, wine would be served, and then the bubble bath. Or maybe there would be fruit of every kind, and they would eat it off their bodies. But one day, as he was inside her with all his manhood, there was a terrible scream. He pulled out his penis and there on the end was a small mouse, chewing into the head.
"Get it off!" he shouted. "Get it off!" He swatted at it, and knocked it away, even as the teeth clamped in and tore through the urethra. "Why didn’t you tell me," he said through his tears. "Why?"
"I’m sorry," she said. It was all she could say. "I’m sorry." It wasn’t enough.
The hole opened, and a cascade of grass and brown and slosh and fume dropped upon him like the weight of the world. He ate the mother lode and spit out the stones.
Silently, She is Singing Sweetly
The student entered the room. She was lovely.
The master took his place behind the piano and played middle C. He encouraged her to sing the note by rolling his fingers around in the air. "Sing it," he said. "With feeling."
"Gaah," she replied, off key and with poor tone. It sounded like someone had stepped on her stomach.
"Again!" He said. He played middle C. Rolled his fingers around in the air.
"Guuf," she replied.
"My God, woman," he shouted. "Are you deaf?"
She was.
He looked at her tits.
"Oorp."