rants n raves

by tom miller

 

 

11/28/98 - 1:28 A.M.

 

moments stolen in time, thanksgiving,
asians r us, and the stupor

 

 

it's been several days since my last entry, but there's a reason for that.

 

first of all, i'm getting sick of this fucking journal. i hate journaling. i don't know how some of you who keep journals do it. because to read over the selected things you've experienced and to realize you're a hypocrite and a freak and a horror, and unworthy of the precious life given to you by either god or possibly the strangest natural accident in the universe, is to know that you're human. and knowing you're human, with all the failings and trappings of a human, is a reality i'd prefer to drink away. it ain't pretty.

 

secondly, i wrote a damn good entry a couple of days ago for thanksgiving. spent lots of time on it. fiddled with the computer and the editor and the html writer, and a graphics program. was ready to upload the finest piece of writing i had done in years and -blip-

 

information lost. would you like to shut down now?

 

no i would not, you goddamn piece of electronic caca. i would like to, instead, get a baseball bat and show you how we settle things on my side of town.

 

but of course, i realized it was my own damn fault for not saving as i go, which is a primary rule for anyone using a computer or word processor.

 

funny thing though; i thought about it. i had it down; those moments in time; the way i wanted them; and they were stolen by a random accident. so here now is a different entry about the same events. it's going to be better or worse, but it will make it onto the internet because i'm going to save as i go, starting right now.

 

-save-

 

the question remains for all time. god? or happy accident? now i know the answer is both. i'm god, or the writer if you will, and the accident is something that just happens to god, but he deals with it.

 

so on with the new universe. on with the latest big bang.

 

 

poet as god

 

 

to make the sea your poem

first dim the sun

 

the light must be good

but not glaring

 

drag your finger

through the water

 

spelling out the words

 

when finished 

your poem likely

 

will have destroyed all life

 on earth

  

then say, 

and it was good

 

 

*****

 

thanksgiving.

 

went over to my straight friend's house and watched a couple of movies.

 

the first was david lynch's, lost highway, which i think is one of his most underrated films. it's a masterpiece. all my friends hate it. they find it impossible to watch. my straight friend liked it too.

 

then we watched one of his japanese films. it was in the zatoichi series. zatoichi is a blind swordsman who goes around killing people with his sword and being blind. it was pretty good.

 

here's our thanksgiving day menu:

 

1. can of lentil soup

2. can of beef stew

3. package of microwave spinach in lite butter sauce.

4. sake

5. potato chips

6. licorice

 

we're not traditionalists. we don't like to fit into the crowd. and we're certainly opposed to eating birds on thanksgiving. we prefer higher forms of life, like the cow.

 

interesting though, that only a month ago, my straight friend was recommending a book to me called, deadly feast, and it's all about why it's dangerous to eat cow.

 

he said, "read this and you'll never eat beef again."

 

but there we were, chewing on it.

 

 

*****

 

 

flashback:

 

one year, i was walking the deserted streets of gainesville. it was thanksgiving. it was noon. i went into the only store that was open; the quickie mart; and purchased a bottle of gatorade and one of those turkey sandwiches in the plastic triangular container. i paid, and went outside to the dumpster where i ate my dinner amongst the flies.

 

that was a good year.

 

 

*****

 

anyway, back to the action. thursday night i was at the club and i saw the beautiful asian from an earlier entry in this journal. we began talking and i arranged for him to give me a ride home. we went to get something to eat from denny's, and then over to my place.

 

he's probably the most annoying person i know. he pushes all my wrong buttons. my shoulders tense up as we get into semantical arguments about the most meaningless of topics. for some reason, i rise to the occasion. he asks inappropriate questions which i refuse to answer, and then he continues asking the same question over and over again until i give in. he's extremely manipulative, overbearing, rude, edgy. one moment he's kind, and the next, he's screaming; like a cat when you pet its stomach, he'll purr but then suddenly turn on you, drawing blood from your hands with its claws.

 

and getting to the moment at hand was an endless process in futility. it went something like this. we're sitting on my couch.

 

"so," i said. "what do you want to do?"

 

"i don't know. what do you feel like doing?"

 

"whatever you want."

 

"well, what do you want to do?"

 

"it doesn't matter. are you feeling frisky?"

 

"what do you mean... frisky?"

 

"i was just wondering."

 

"frisky?"

 

"you know, do you want to um... hang out?"

 

"we are hanging out."

 

"not like that. the other kind of hanging out."

 

"what kind?"

 

"want a drink?"

 

"sure."

 

i go and get him a drink. then the banter continues endlessly.

 

"want to go to my room?"

 

"what for?"

 

"you know."

 

"no. what for?"

 

"we could um... talk in there."

 

"we can talk here."

 

"yeah, but it's better in there."

 

"okay."

 

we go to my room.

 

"so, now what do you want to do?"

 

"i don't know. what do you want to do?"

 

"feel like lying down?"

 

"lying down?"

 

"yeah. you know... together. maybe hang out."

 

"if you do."

 

"i do. do you?"

 

"sure."

 

we stretch out on the bed.

 

"so now what do you want to do?"

 

"talk?"

 

"sure. let's talk."

 

"okay, what do you want to talk about?"

 

"anything you want."

 

"you start."

 

"no, you."

 

it went on forever, but anyway, i sucked his dick and then we jacked off.

 

 

*****

 

 

"well," he said, "i gotta go."

 

"see you later," i replied.

 

 

*****

 

 

he has the most beautiful skin.

 

 

*****

 

 

and as for last night, i invited patty (the pretty girl who lets me live in her house) out for a drink. my treat, i said.

 

we got to the club and each had tequila. i bought a round of drinks for her, myself, and my best friend, roger, who is as spiritually connected with me as i am him. i expect we'll merge into singularity at some point in the future. i love roger completely. i'd tell you more about him, but words won't do.

 

and we all played pool. the old black guy was there. he smiled and waved and pointed to the pool table.

 

"not me, you dog," i said. "i don't feel like losing again."

 

but patty played him. she kicked his ass for most of the game. but i'm sure he let her. he's like that, right up until he lines up the eight and puts you back on the side lines, watching.

 

we struck up a conversation with some gentleman from the northeast who was in town. i was particularly interested in talking with him because nobody else was. and he sat there, not smiling, not enjoying. that's like a magnet for me. it's how i've met some of the most interesting people in my life.

 

and as patty went back to the pool table, he asked me, "is that a boy or a girl?"

 

"girl," i replied. "but there was a time when she would stuff her pants and let people feel up on her, and they wouldn't know if she was a boy or a girl either. so don't feel bad."

 

patty came over and he told her he thought she was either a really attractive girl or a real pretty boy. then he bought us a couple shots.

 

we thanked and drank.

 

all night, he kept buying us drinks. others in the bar caught on to this and they bought us drinks too. by the time we were done, we were... oh, how can i say this... fucked up. yes, that's it.

 

fucked up.

 

that guy, whoever he was, had the best time of his life.

 

 

*****

 

 

tom's intake for friday:

 

14 shots cuervo

6 killians

1 joint

 

 

*****

 

 

patty took off to her boyfriend's house. she told me later that his first words to her were, "you're drunk. you stink."

 

patty's word was, "goodbye."

 

 

*****

 

and as for me, i watched roger leave with two of the sexiest girls in the bar. that's his way. then i staggered down the stairs, got on my bike and headed for home.

 

it was a tough ride. somebody kept moving the street.

 

 

(tune in next week for the continuing adventures of tom miller and his world of the midgets inhaling helium from balloons.)

 


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