By Tom Miller
© Jan. 2006 Ė FREDInk Productions
In all my years of professional writing, I have never written such a professional book as the one you are about to read. The level of story, typing and craftsmanship surpasses my greatest previous works by leaps and bounds in terms of the story, the typing, and the craftsmanship. It is no less than a work of genius, and I say this with absolute modesty and humbleness. The last thing I am, after all, is a modest and humble man, and this is what I am saying now. I hope you will enjoy the stories and learn from them, as I have, that the world can be a terrible place if we only try our best to make it so with considerable effort, story, typing and craftsmanship. I hope you'll do the same. Enjoy!
-- Tom Miller, Oct. 1961
Squirrel Blow Jobs
One day as I was out in the forest walking my sheep, I chanced to notice an unusual thing. A small bush was shaking as if something were going on behind it. Using my best effort to sneak over undetected despite my sheep, I peeked over and saw perhaps the most disgusting thing a man can ever see in the forest; a gay squirrel blow job was going on, and in public! Thank the balls of Jesus, my sheep didn't see.
And as I glanced around me, there were many small bushes shaking in the same fashion and I realized I had wandered into a gay squirrel blow job park and for the sake of myself and all the sheep of the world, it had to be stopped before harm was done. I moved into a clearing and used my cell phone to dial 911, but the signal wasn't strong enough to connect. Thanks, Cellular One. And I'm sure the blow jobs continue to this day.
I have never told my sheep about this, not even when we fuck.
Vagina Pizza Mishap
I had been perfectly clear on the telephone, but these days, people just don't care any more about the quality of service offered the general public, particularly in the arena of home pizza delivery. I had no complaints about the speed with which my pizza arrived. Indeed, it was quite a speedy delivery; surprisingly so. It was reasonably priced, and on this level I was also satisfied. But when I opened up the box to enjoy my meal, my pizza was absolutely riddled with vagina. Friends, I simply can not eat pizza with vagina on it. They remind me of anchovies, only much saltier. I registered my complaint in the most polite fashion but the gentleman on the other end of the line called me a foul name and told me he would make it so I could never again order a pizza for delivery. I mean, who came up with vagina on pizza anyway? The people who thought up pineapple and ham? Vaginas... Sick! Do people really eat those things?
I Farted Brown at the DMV
I was at the Department of Motor Vehicles taking my written exam when some kind of a pop happened in my ass. I had hoped it was simply a tiny fart and that nobody would notice, but as it turned out, I farted brown. I knew there was a trickle forming, and a faint smell rose up. On the test, there was a triangle shaped yellow sign. Which one was it? A stop sign? Oncoming train? Road blocked? Suddenly, some raison sized peas leapt into the situation and worsened it considerably. I clenched my ass cheeks together to contain the damage. I checked off a mark for "Slippery Road Ahead", turned in my test, and passed it all with flying colors. Later, I wiped up privately in the restroom and a man at the urinal in there had the biggest penis I had ever seen.
"You looking at my dick?" he asked, angrily.
"Not me," I replied. "Just cleaning up my ass here."
"Gross dude," he said.
"You're one to talk," I replied, "Look at that ungodly ding dong hanging. Your dick head is resting in the bowl of the urinal. Talk about gross."
"Ah ha!" He exclaimed, "You WERE looking at my piece. I ought to call the fag patrol on you." And this incensed me so much that I threw my dirty toilet paper on him and ran out. I got into the line for the driving performance test and who do you think the driving instructor was? That's right, the big penis guy.
"Well well well," he said. "You think you're going to pass this test after what you did back there?"
I replied, "Maybe not, but I'm passing something right now." And I farted so hard my small intestine got caught in my asshole and now I have to shit in a bag I carry around with me where ever I go. When I get road rage, I throw the bag.
I was feelin' a might horny and I had smoked up a shitload of weed. When Redneck Joe come over, I give him some beer and got him good and drunk. If'n I couldn't fuck his wife, I'd get him to suck my dick and he didn't care 'cause he'd fuck his daughter and his dog one after the other. So he does a number on my wang dang doodle and proceeds to depart. "Where's you going?" I ask him. "To beat some queers," He says back to me. I didn't have the heart to tell him he shoulda' be beatin' himself since he just got done sucking my dick. Havin' a man suck your dick is just horny. But if'n you's sucking a man's pecker, you're a damn queer if'n you ask me. I should have done beat him my own damn self. I hate fuckin' queers. I don't hate fuckin' queers; I just hate them what IS queers.
Napkin Poem #342
A ratty cat
Had caught a rat
And almost started eating
The rat fought back
And bit the cat
And now the cat is bleeding
The Giant Forest Oyster
Deep within the Forest of Shame, as legend has it, there lives a creature so odd and horrifying that almost anyone who has actually seen it is said to have been consumed by it. I'm talking about the giant Forest Oyster. Often seen during months with the letter "R" in the name, it opens its mighty shell and can clamp down on an owl or a bear in a split second. Beware the giant Forest Oyster, for if you come face to face with it, you are sure to be eaten. Warning signs have been posted to fend it off. The signs read, "There is a risk associated with consuming raw humans and we can not be held responsible for illness or death." But this has not reduced the number of kills for this treacherous beast. For giant Forest Oysters are unable to read, and even if they could, they would likely ignore the warnings because consuming humans are rumored to give the Oysters very rigid boners.
"Dad," said the bee, "Pollen won't stick to my ass."
"Maybe you're a queen." He replied.
I Ran Something Over With The Lawn Mower
One fine afternoon, I was outside mowing my lawn when there was a terrible grinding noise, followed by an explosion of blood and gore coming out of the side of the lawn mower where the grass comes out. I don't know the technical name is for that part of the mower, but it was definitely covered in blood. And something shot out of it and landed against the wall of my house. I went over to examine it and it was basically a set of teeth loosely held together by a couple tendons of red meat. There was also an eye, but for the life of me, I couldn't figure out what I had run over. Certainly an animal of some kind, but with only a set of teeth and an eye, I couldn't be certain. I collected the teeth and eyeball in a ziplock bag and took it over to the natural history museum for a professional opinion by one of their staff animal people. I don't know the technical name is for these people, but they are trained professionals when it comes to identifying animals from just a couple of parts. Zoo people or animalogists or something like that. Whatever. Anyway, the guy studied my find for several days before informing me that whatever I had run over was certainly an animal of some kind, and had been badly damaged. That was all he could tell me. So I took the bag of parts over to the Vet's office and the Vet told me it was dead. So now I knew three things: It was an animal, it was damaged, and it was dead. And I never did figure out what that part of the lawn mower is where the grass shoots out, nor what the professional animal people are officially called at the natural history museum, but there's a quote that springs to mind and it goes something like this: "If you don't know something, it will hurt you" or is it, "What you don't know hurts me," or "Hurt me if you know what you don't know..." Oh, fuck it.
Phenomenally Ugly Woman
Stanley Pookins was sitting at the bar drinking his eleventh double shot of scotch whiskey when the most beautiful woman he had ever seen walked in and sat next to him. "I'll have a Margarita," she said.
"And I'm buying," said Stanley. He introduced himself.
"Pleased to meet you," said the woman in a rich velvety voice, "I'm Dora Climax." They had a pleasant conversation, which led to the idea of going home together to fuck and suck each other's hidden parts, and they did so with vigor until they both fell asleep. When Stanley woke up the next morning after his buzz wore off, he glanced over next to him to bask anew in the glow of his woman and instead saw laying there a beast of ungodly horrid appearance. Her eyebrows were like mustaches and the hair coming out of her nose was of sufficient length to braid into a rope and hang out of a window. The drool that had dried in the corners of her mouth was brown and yellow, and the tip of her nose was made out of some kind of crust. She had a small goatee hidden between a fold under her chin and one of her breasts was a sagger. Her natch was shaved into a long thin triangle with an arrow pointing to her green clitoris. The legs were bloated and discolored with gutters and alleys of varicose veins. Her toes, the few she had, were mangled and the nails were blackened. There were dust bunnies between them and fungus beneath them. "Good Morning," she grunted in a voice like sandpaper mixed with lye. The smell of her breath was chlorine and rat butt.
Stanley got up from his bed, went into the kitchen, opened the pantry, had eleven double shots of whiskey, and fucked her again.
Stupid Ed and the Tree
One day, Stupid Ed was walking through the woods when he ran headfirst into a tree. "Ouch!" He said, "Stupid tree. I'll show you!" And then he punched the tree but hurt his hand badly. "Ouch," Said Stupid Ed, "Damn tree hit me in the hand. I'll kick you good for that." Stupid Ed kicked the tree and broke his foot. "Ouch!" said Stupid Ed. "Now my damn foot's broken because of this tree. I'm gonna' chop you down for this." Stupid Ed chopped at the tree with his hand, and broke several fingers. "Now he's after my hand again!" Several days later, a man named Stupid Ernie found Stupid Ed lying at the foot of the tree in a heap of tattered flesh.
"Why did you do this?" he asked the tree.
The Grasshopper Raised by Humans
One day, a small boy named Billy found a baby grasshopper and took it home to show his mother. "Can we keep him?" he asked her.
"Yes," his mother replied. "We'll raise him like he was one of our own." Billy and his mother taught the grasshopper to eat with a little knife and fork, and schooled him in the basic skills of reading, writing, and arithmetic. Soon, the grasshopper was old enough to go to college and majored in musical theater. After a short but successful career off -Broadway, he was offered a part in the feature film remake of The Miracle Worker. The grasshopper was nominated for an academy award for his uncanny portrayal of Helen Keller. Things seemed to be going well for the grasshopper until a cat got hold of him.
A duck was swimming in a pond when suddenly, he heard a gun shot in the distance. This caused the startled duck to fart and the fart rose to the surface of the pond and formed a bubble, which held together because of the soapy oily toxic pollution that leaked into the pond from a nearby chemical factory. The bubble took off into the air and was carried on the wind, by coincidence, to the hunter who had shot at the duck. When the bubble burst near the hunter's face, a horrible smell permeated the air. "Duck farts!" said the hunter. And then he died.
A Shower Gone Horribly Wrong
Old Ed Crotcher stepped into his shower and turned on the water. It was freezing cold. "Come on, you bastard!" He shouted as he quickly turned the handle on the hot water side. Suddenly, the water became extremely hot. "Now the hot's on too much!"
He tried to turn up the cold water but the cold water was all the way turned up. Ed reached for the hot handle to turn it down but turned it the wrong way and the water became scalding. "Jesus, help me!" Ed shrieked, "My skin's burning off." He adjusted the knobs until he had finally reached a temperature, which pleased him. "Finally," he said, "That's what I like." He grabbed for the soap but it slipped from his hand and fell into the drain. "Now my soap's down!" Ed muttered. As he bent over to pick it up, his feet slipped out from under him and he landed teeth first on the bath tub faucet, knocking his dentures into the back of his throat. As he began to gag up the dentures, his wife turned on the washing machine in the other room and the water in the shower became scalding again. "Garfa garfa gaa..." Ed gurgled.
After a series of coughing and retching, he vomited the teeth, which lodged in the drain with the soap, and the tub began filling up around him with boiling water and puke. "I'm soaking in my puke!" he shouted, "Turn off the God Damn washing machine!" As he attempted to right himself, he noticed a piece of bone sticking out from his hip, and as a result of this injury, he only managed to wedge himself down deeper into the water. Then in the stress of the moment, his asshole dilated and released a quart of diarrhea into the human soup he was now cooking in. After some time had passed and the soap had dissolved, the tub began to drain and Ed was left toothless and covered in shit and puke. "This is the total opposite of what I was trying to do with this shower." said Ed.
And the moral of the story is: Legalize abortion.
The Fable of the Masturbating Duck
Once upon a time, a small mouse was seeking to journey across a river when he saw a duck. "Oh Mr. Duck," said the mouse, "May I jump on your back and ride across the river with you?" The duck replied, "Of course you may, but I must warn you in advance, I masturbate."
"It is of no consequence to me," replied the mouse, "And I would be grateful for your assistance."
"As you wish," said the duck. He positioned himself at the river's edge and allowed the mouse to climb aboard. Then the duck made for the other side when in the middle of the river, he turned over on his back and began to stroke himself with his webbed feet. The mouse tried to swim for his life but could only keep his head above water to say, "My death is all that's left for me." and to hear the duck reply, "Hey, I told you I was a Masturbating Duck."
When You Need To Pee
If you're walking down the street
And find you need to pee
Just piss half into the road
And save the rest for me
Easter Bunny Rape
One day, the Easter Bunny was Hippity Hoppitying along the road deep in the woods when he came across an old run down cabin. He could tell the cabin was occupied as he heard the sounds of hoops and hollers coming from within, along with the sounds of a banjo. "Maybe they might like some colored eggs." The Easter Bunny said. He reached into his basket and pulled out the best of the eggs. "Since they must be poor, I'll give them the most brightly colored egg, and that will lighten their spirits. The Easter bunny opened the door and saw Bubba and Billy Bob. The banjo playing stopped. Bubba put down his beer and said, "Well what do we got here? A furry little rat."
To which Billy Bob added, "Let's fuck it!" In a flash, they were up from their chairs and kicking at the Easter Bunny with their boots. Eggs went flying in all directions. Bubba got the animal by the ears and held it down as Billy Bob pulled out his engorged pecker. "Hold him," said Billy Bob, "You gonna' git some now." He stuffed his hose into the Easter Bunny's asshole and began to grind. Shit and guts came out of the ass, along with a few Easter Bonnets. "Look here," Said Billy Bob, "I's fuckin' a rat." Bubba beat on the Easter Bunny's face with his fist until it was unconscious and after they both fucked it for several hours. Then they cooked it and ate it.
"Better than Santa?" asked Bubba.
Billy Bob replied, "Tighter. Not better."
My Exciting Run-In With The Law
I was sitting on a park bench minding my own business when suddenly, I was approached by an officer of the law. "Excuse me, sir." He said to me. "Have you seen anybody suspicious come running by here?"
"No," I replied. "I haven't."
"Thank you, sir." The officer said, and then he walked away.
the fucking bird
on my way down the street, i was attacked by a fucking bird.
i said, "hey, you fucking bird. get the fuck off me." fucking bird
still kept coming. it was fucking pecking at me. fucking pecking
at my eyes. i said, "goddamn you fucking bird." and i started waving my fucking arms to get this fucking thing off the fuck of me. i mean what the fuck? i couldn't believe this fucking shit. i didn't know if i fucking got in its fucking territory or if it was just pissed the fuck off, or what. i started running to get away and it followed the fuck out of me. it took a fucking piece out of my head. it started flying around with a patch of my hair in it's fucking beak. "fuck you, dude!" i shouted. and some lady heard me and told me to watch my dirty mouth and i said, "fuck you lady, i got a bird coming at my head here."and she said, "serves you right for your potty talk." and i said, "lady, you're a real fucking cunt, you know that?" and she distracted me and that's when the bird pecked my fucking eye out and i was so mad i beat the lady up and shit in her mouth.
little susie couldn't sleep that christmas eve. she was too excited.
suddenly she heard some noises coming from the chimney. "santa!" she
thought. susie quietly made her way to a hiding spot where she could see santa emerge, and soon a large figure came out of the chimney wearing a red suit, a red hat, and a bushy white beard. but that's where the similarities between santa and a large smart bear end. he immediately sniffed out little susie's hiding place and took a vicious bite out of her pelvis. susie's screams attracted her parents who were also killed and eaten by the bear and the only presents he left behind were several piles of putrid scat.
the frat boys and the drag queen
three frat boys were walking down the street when they overheard a drag queen mentioning that all frat boys act like straight guys but when you get them in the bedroom, they're the first ones to throw their legs up in the air. "wow," said one of the frat boys, "that drag queen really knows her stuff." and after i took my dress off, i wrote this.
greta was the girl nobody talked to at the school. she wasn't ugly nor beautiful. she wasn't smart nor stupid. for no reason whatsoever, she was the girl everyone teased, especially on valentine's day. i gave her a valentine invitation to a party and the address on it was to a human waste facility. i wish i could have seen her face when she got there and realized nobody loved her and there would be no party. the next day in school, she was crying. and i was whispering to her, "go on, cry. cry like a little baby, you ugly whore." that afternoon we threw rocks at her.
when greta's mom died of a stroke later that year, we used to tell greta that her mother was rotting meat. and we also poisoned her dog. she really loved that dog. and i'd like to tell you she had some measure of revenge on us for being so hateful to her, but she just curled up into a ball and they put her in an institution. on her first valentine's day in the institution, i sent her a card that said how crazy people will never find love and die alone, and that's exactly what happened to her.
I opened the refrigerator and pulled out my steak. I was looking forward to this particular piece of meat and had paid a hefty price for it. As I pulled back the wrapping, a strange thing happened. It bit me. I donít know how or why, but the steak took a big chunk out of my hand and started to chew on it. "You bastard steak!" I shouted as I wrapped my bleeding hand with a dishtowel. I stabbed it with a large fork and threw it into the hot pan of olive oil. When the screaming stopped and it finally began to cook, I felt some sense of satisfaction. And in the end, I ate the steak and it was delicious.
But the chunk of meat that steak took from my hand never grew back. And later, I was very disappointed to find out that people donít regenerate their flesh no matter how much meat they eat.
We first saw each other in a bar. I was so shy I turned away when our eyes met. She thought this meant that I wasnít interested. But I actually was, and thatís how things began.
As we came to know each other, we had fun going out on dates. But there came a time when she wanted to fuck. I didnít want to get that involved since, now that I had come to know her so well, I figured fucking would just ruin our great relationship. I only like to fuck people Iíve just met who I donít particularly care for. Then I donít have to deal with all the baggage. Iím a selfish bastard, which is my way of saying Iím an artist. So I resisted her unspoken advances and kept quiet on the subject. That had the uncanny effect of causing her to want to fuck me more. The more she hinted at the subject without actually saying anything, the more I avoided it, and her.
Now she was much more interested. She fooled around with a couple of my friends on the side but that was fine with me since she and I werenít exactly an item, or were we? No, I guess not since we hadnít done the deal clincher, and at this point we probably werenít going to because I was becoming very attracted to her. My friends asked if we were an item and both of us kind of thought we were, but sheís fucked a few of my friends and I was fucking other people. Little did I know that by avoiding her as much as I was, it was making her want to fuck me more and also making her feel rejected. This was depressing the shit out of me.
She began to think of all the reasons that I might be rejecting her. Was she fat? Was she stupid? Of course she was perfectly beautiful and very smart. She became sad and I became troubled, and neither one of us talked about it because we couldnít explain it to each other. It was embarrassing and made no goddamned sense. Now I canít sleep because I keep trying to figure out a way to explain it to her without her feeling as if sheís being rejected. Iím not rejecting her at all, quite the opposite. But I donít want to hurt her feelings explaining that, even though both our feelings are already shredded. If it keeps up like this, Iím going to hate her and sheís going to hate me. Youíd think under those circumstances that weíd probably finally grudge-fuck each other. But like I said: I only fuck people I like and donít care for.
And sheís someone I love so much that now, I canít stand her.
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