10 Gallon Hats O’ Blood

            A Novel by Tom Miller

            PART 3 - CHAPTER 19 - Arthur Has A Plan!

            "That just leaves you and me, Arthur," said Ed Cracky. "Unless we go over there and kill that sheriff, us outlaws will be a thing of the past."

            "Don’t worry," Arthur replied. "I got a plan. First thing we need is a fuse. Next, we need a rock and a plank of wood. Third, we need some bread and a cage and a stick. After that, we’ll need a match and some string. We’re gonna’ need some dominos. I’ll get the marble and you get the wheelbarrow."

            "Sounds good to me," said Cracky.

            "Wait. There’s more. We’ll also need a pail of water. That’s real important."

            "Yee haw. Now we’re getting somewhere."

            The two men gathered the necessary items for their plan to kill the sheriff. Then, Arthur carefully arranged the items so they would work properly. The cage was propped up with the stick. A piece of bread was put under the cage. The dominos were lined up to form a line of dominos, one right after the other one, in a single line leading to the marble. A see-saw was made with the rock and the plank of wood, and the marble was aimed at the match which was laying over the fuse. Finally, the wheelbarrow was placed at the edge of the cliff and Arthur got inside it. Everything was ready.

            "What do we do now, Arthur?"

            "If everything is positioned correctly, this should kill the sheriff."

            "Are you sure about that? This doesn’t look like it’s going to do anything."

            "Trust me on this one," Arthur said. "When I get my mind on a plan, I tend to do something about it. And if this ain’t a plan, then I ain’t got no balls."

            "But, Arthur," said Ed, "you AIN’T got no balls."

            "That’s not the point, Cracky."

            "What’s the point?"

            "Simple. We wait for a bird to come and eat that bread."

            "By God," said Cracky, "yore smart."

            A few minutes later, a crow wandered over to the propped up cage and examined the bread.

            "Come on, you crow. Eat that bread," whispered Arthur. Ed Cracky hid in the bushes, waiting on the plan to work. The crow wandered around the cage, studying the options.

            CROW: Hmm, there’s bread here. Should I eat it? Hmm. Something doesn’t feel right. Boy my brain is small, and I do love bread so very much. I’m nervous. I feel funny. I sure am hungry. I want the bread. I’m going to eat the bread. Bread is good. Bread is good. I'm a crow. I'm a crow.

            The crow walked over to the bread and began pecking at it. As it pecked, its tail feathers moved back and forth and knocked the stick away, causing the cage to drop. The crow was trapped. Attached to the cage was the string and when the cage dropped, the string pulled a domino over and they began to fall. The last domino fell down on the marble which rolled over to the match and fuse, and then nothing happened after that.

            "What went wrong?" shouted Ed from the bushes.

            "Where’s the fucking pail of water?"

            "What pail of water?" Asked Ed.

            "Didn’t you get a pail of water?"

            "No."

            "You dumb prick. It don’t work without a pail of water. Now yore gonna’ have to do it manually. Come over here and step on the see-saw."

            One end of the see-saw was under the wheel barrel and the other end was up in the air. Ed came out from behind the bushes and over to the see-saw.

            "You want me to step on the see-saw?" He asked. "Then what happens?"

            "The sheriff dies like a dog," replied Arthur.

            "You sure about this?" Asked Ed.

            "Step on the see-saw." Replied Arthur.

            "You absolutely sure about this?" Asked Ed.

            "Will you step on the goddamn thing?" Replied Arthur.

            "But it looks to me like you might…"

            "Step on the fucking see-saw."

            Ed Cracky stepped on the see-saw and the other end came up, tipping the wheelbarrow one-hundred feet down over the cliff edge along with Arthur "No Balls Hanging" McGillicutty. There was a thud, followed by a clank.

            The plan had failed.

            No Balls was no more. Buzzards came and started feeding on the wound where No Balls' balls used to be. Worms crawled into his skull and farted. A mouse chewed on his ding dong.

            Ed Cracky let the crow fly away into the hot blue summer sky, and then headed into town for the last showdown of the novel.