10 Gallon Hats O’ Blood
A Novel by Tom Miller
CHAPTER 1
As the sun rose over the Hairy Plains of the West, Sheriff Useless P. Clodstopper rode atop his horse, Little Mo. Little Mo was a fine horse but that wasn’t always the case. It wasn’t too long ago that little Mo was abused by his owner, Billy Bo, a small boy who had always wanted a pony. Billy Bo’s father, Willie Bo, figured that his boy would take kindly to the horse. If things didn’t work out, he figured little Mo could always pull a plow on the family farm. Well on that fateful Monday morning, Billy Bo was looking around for his birthday present.
"Where’s my present, pa? You promised me a present."
"Just calm yourself, boy," said the father. "You’ll get yours."
"I want it now, you ugly man. Bring me my pony, or I’ll start to twitchin’."
"Now settle yourself down there, Billy Bo. You act respectable, or you’ll get no horse, you’ll get no supper, and you’ll get a spankin’. You hear me boy?"
"Gimmie that pony, you mule-lookin’ ignoramus. Gimmie!"
"You want your pony?"
"Gimmie it."
"You want it, boy?" Willie Bo was becoming angry, and when Willie Bo gets angry, somebody dies.
"Gimmie that pony or you ain’t my dad no more!"
"Here’s your fuckin’ pony." Willie Bo pulled out his gun, opened the closet door, and as little Mo pranced proudly into the room, Willie Bo began firing lugs into the pony’s ass.
"AAARES YOUR PONY, YOU PIECE OF SHIT!"
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
Billy Bo became enraged. When his father got angry, that just made him mad. He walked over to the fallen pony and said, "Now you got me riled up pa. You done shot my pony, and on my birthday. Goddamn you, daddy." He began to kick at the horse’s face. "Look what you done, daddy." He was throwing a real tantrum. "You done shot" KICK "my" KICK "pony!"
"I’ll shoot you for kicking that horse, son!" Willie Bo shot at Billy Bo, but Billy Bo hid behind little Mo for cover, and the horse took another round of buckshot in the side. Billy Bo reached into his pocket for his Winston revolver, pulled it out, and shot back at daddy. "Take this." BLAM! BLAM! "You ain’t no kind of man."
Suddenly, Willie Bo’s wife walked in holding a plate. "I baked some hot fresh cookies," Sally Bo said, sweetly. Willie Bo grabbed her around the waist and used her as a shield as she screamed. Billy Bo fired his weapon over the body of little Mo, and shot Sally Bo in the face. She died.
"You little monster. Now you killed ma. I’ll get you…" He ran forward with Sally Mo over his shoulder and pitched her across the horse and onto Billy Bo, striking him on the right underside of his nose. He fell back and the Winston hit the ground and fired. The bullet traveled up to a light fixture, bounced off a teapot, ricocheted off a small mouse and found it’s way back through the heads of Billy Bo, Willie Bo, Sally Bo, and little Mo.
Only the horse survived, but that’s not what this story is about. This is the story of one man’s fight for law and order. This is the story about a man of principle and honor. This is the story of Useless Clodstopper.
Sheriff Useless P. Clodstopper.
The P. stands for Pickalottacumswatch.
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