Playing Baseball with My Genitals
INTRODUCTION by Tom Miller
What you are about to read is no less than the dirtiest book ever written. I warn you now, you will experience revulsion, horror, disgust, offense, and possibly either a boner, or in the case of a female, a clitoral boner.
And this is what all good writing should be about. Enjoy.
Three of Them
There were three of them. They stood there and looked at each other.
"Well?" asked one, "So what about it?"
"Nothing." said the second one. "Nothing."
"Nothing?" said the third, "Then what are we standing here for."
"Simple," replied the first. "Because itís what we do."
The second one wiggled its tentacle. "Is that so."
"Yeah," said the third. "Heís right. Why not."
The first one retracted her primary claw. "See? Itís not that big of a deal."
All three of them at least agreed on that.
One Day, Something Happened
I was walking down the street minding my own affairs when it happened. It was maybe the worst thing that could have happened, and on the worst day. What was I going to do? I decided to run as fast as I could and see if it would stop. It didnít. In fact, it got much worse and by the time you read this, it will have reached some sort of conclusion.
The Fortune Teller had Diarrhea
She examined my palm with measured consideration, studying the lines and fissures and scars and spots. "I see your heart line here." She touched me there. "This tells me a great deal about you and what you can expect in the future." Suddenly, there was a little fart from behind her. Her eyes widened. "My God!" she said quietly, "Some has come out into my pants." Another louder fart, and a rumbling fluid sound. "Itís the worst now. This is so embarrassing." She stood up and turned to see her ass. Her white dress was indeed stained, and the smell was not normal. "I have to clean this. Please excuse me." More farting as she left. I sat in her cloud of stink for several minutes. "Five dollars for this shit?" I said.
Our Lovely Baby
I was at the zoo, and a lady came up to me and said, "Would you like to see our new baby?" Her husband stood by her side, proudly.
"No madam, Iíd rather not."
"But sheís adorable. Look at her here in the stroller." She pulled back the awning and there was a baby there. I thought it looked kind of deformed and premature and ugly."
"Hideous!" I said. "Please donít show it to anyone else."
"You horrible man," she said. "Itís a baby, for Christís sake. A human baby!"
"Donít let him see her any more," said the father. "This guyís a real humdinger!"
They left me there and headed over to the monkey cage. I saw the lady pull back the awning on the baby carriage and point at her little deformed pink dirty baby. She was pointing it out to the monkey in the cage and the monkey reached out and pulled the baby in through the bars and started jamming its finger into the babyís soft spot. "Yeah! Yeah!" I shouted. "Thank God. Thank you, Jesus." And then I shouted, "Eat it! Eat it!" and the monkey started to gnaw, and I jumped up and down and cheered.
And the moral of this story is: Legalize Abortion
A Gallon of Horse Cum on the Shroud of Turin
I had seen the videos and boy, thereís like a gallon of cum. Horses shoot a serious load of hooch. Wouldnít it be funny if I could get one of these horses to shoot a load on the Shroud of Turin? It would turn that fake religious icon into a giant holy cum rag. But just how was I going to go about it? I thought about it for some time before falling asleep, and then I had a dream. I dreamt I got the horse into the church, where they keep that thing. And when nobody was looking, I jacked off the horse and he came all over the Shroud of Turin. The Shroud began to move and pulse. It was as if the shadow of Jesus was reconstituting itself into human form, using the nourishment from the horse spunk. I had caused the Second Coming of Christ, and Jesus was made out of sperm.
"Gross, dude," I said, before abruptly awaking in a pool of horse cum. My ass hole was big enough to fit my head into, and next to me was a horse with a boner, smoking a cigarette. He turned to me and said, "Your mother sucks cocks in hell."
After a year of stretching and practicing with all the techniques I could find on the Internet, I finally managed to get my own cock into my mouth. It wasnít quite the heaven I thought it would be because of all the pain, but I figured by next year, I should be able to get the whole bone down. Thatís when I heard a snap toward the base of my spine. I tried to pull my cock out of my mouth, but I was paralyzed and stuck in position. My mother, who had been in the kitchen baking cookies, walked into the bedroom to present me with one. I never got it. And those cookies were really much tastier than the penis I was eating.
Anyway, to make a long story short, Iím a woman now. Seven surgeries later, I might add. I donít even want to suck my own cock now because itís inverted inside me and thereís just no way to reach that.
The Bad Breath of Hell
She was beautiful, intelligent, sexy, and saucy. But what the fuck was wrong with her mouth? She had the Bad Breath of Hell, and boy, I smelled it. When she yawned, birds fell from the sky. When she brushed her teeth, the brush dissolved. When she kissed me, it was like kissing a winoís asshole. One day, I said to her, "Do you floss?" She replied, "Floss? Whatís that?"
I explained to her that floss might remove food and bacteria that may be stuck between her teeth. She said she would try it. The next day, her breath was like flowers and mint, and all the good smelling things of the earth. "My God," I said, "What happened with the floss?"
She replied, "Well I got the floss in there between my back two molars and a piece of somebodyís penis fell out. By the way, how come your crotch is always bleeding?"
I replied, "Self-suck accident from when I was a man. So, Whose penis was that?"
Out of Jail and Ready for Action
20 years without pussy! I was as horny as a man can be. I turned the corner and there was a good whore down in the alley looking for a score. I had twenty bucks on me and I paid her the money. She pulled down her panties. Her clam was green and covered in pus. There was a maggot in there, and half a bloody tampon sticking out with some yellow on the end of it. I think she had either an IUD up there too, or a paper clip, or maybe it was some botched abortion tool she forgot about.
"Lady," I said, "You got a condom on you?"
"No," she replied.
"Oh well, Whatever." And then I dove.
Dumb Ernie 4 Ė The Return of Dumb Ernie
"Hey, Dumb Ernie," I said, "I dare you to bite that wasp nest."
"Oh no," Said Dumb Ernie, "Me not THAT Dumb."
"Well," I said, "Will you at least bite it then?"
"Okay," Dumb Ernie replied, "But not the other thing you said."
And then Dumb Ernie bit the wasp nest and the wasps stung him, horribly.
"Oh well," Said Dumb Ernie, "At least I didnít bite it."
And then he diedÖ or "Bit It", as the case may be.
12 Unusual Deaths
1. John Farmouth was found with his asshole sticking out of the head of his penis in a horrible tragedy involving an electric milker.
2. Bradley McTintoff met an untimely demise at the hands of both an angry bear and some angry bees.
3. Sheila Bunkcutter, dead of a pimple that got rather out of control.
4. Leslie B. Johnson bit the dust in a portable toilet. They found her in there with her face all covered in blue goo. It is surmised that while bobbing for turds, she was chemically overpowered.
5. Shirisha Comisha Ququisha got a watermelon caught in her throat. She was white and of Germanic descent.
6. Helmut Claus choked on a piece of fried chicken and simultaneously suffered a stroke from a clogged artery, the result of eating too many pig feet and over exerting himself on the basketball court. He was also a German.
7. Pauly Paulaski accidentally stabbed himself seven times in the eye with a pickax and then accidentally punctured his lung with the same pickax before walking into an industrial fan backwards. He was Polish and black.
8. Peter Wellerby died of a self-inflicted overdose of Madonna tunes. He was a black German Polish Homosexual.
9. Linda Connor died when her car ran out of gas and she had to walk seven miles down the road to the only gas station in town which was called, "Fredís Gas", and Fred was nowhere to be found because the corporate name of the store was meant to fool people into thinking it wasnít a corporation but actually a gas station owned by a guy named Fred, and Linda complained about this because she didnít want to be a fool and that caused the Indian guy behind the counter to become suspicious of her so he reached behind the counter and pulled out a revolver and shot her several times in the face, and this was shown on all the television networks over and over again and revived in reruns on various extreme video television shows, so Iím sure youíve heard about this incident and the fact that Linda survived the encounter and told everyone about it on Oprah and Sally Jesse Raphael and Jerry Springer and to a lesser extent, Maury Povich and through all the attention she attracted a stalker who wanted to see if her new surgically attached face was the face of his dead wife and when he found out it was, he tried to rape her, the whole time screaming, "My love, youíre alive! Youíre Alive!" but she managed to fight him off long enough to spray him with mace and escape into the street where she was run over by an ambulance, a steamroller, another steamroller, and a wheelchair.
10. Jim Flutie Ė Rock Star Ė Died choking on somebody elseís vomit.
11. Maria Von Sloster, felled by a coordinated posse of gerbils.
12. Jesus Christ Ė Died from crucifixion, starvation, torture and stress. Rose again as a ghost, went to Heaven, reconstituted from the Holy Shroud of Turin for the Second Coming, and now roams the earth as a horse-sperm zombie.
Ignance & Julia Child
Me and Jebba was in the trailer cooking up a possum when Jebba comes over and says I need to put in some more butter. "I told you, Jebba." I says, "I taint puttiní no more bubba in it acause my artries is clogging up my pooter. And ifn you canít shit, you gonna blow up like your pregnant daughterís daughter done." And he says back to me, "Festus, youís ignant. Youís the most ignant somabitch I ever had the discourtesy to beat the shit out of. And Iím sayin ifn julia child sez itís better with bubba, you put some damn bubba in that shit."
"Jebba, now this here is possum. Thereís a way ta cook it and a way ta donít. And ifní you put too much bubba in the possum, youís gonnaí spoil the flavor. EAT that damn stick of bubba if youís so sweet on it." Soís I put on the salt and had that possum pressed down with my scraper, and Jebba starts in again. "Put some bubba on the damn possum, you fat fucking blob. Put on the goddamn bubba or Iím a gonna Billyslap you clean into tomorrow and youíll look back and see yesterday."
"You threatening me Jebba? You tellin me ifn I donít put bubba on this here possum youís gonna do something to me? Bring it, you toe-heeled faggot. I do believe a monkey evolved outta you."
"Now you done too far. I ainít no fuckiní monkey, and ifn I WAS a monkey, youíd be chewin a fist full o my SHIT by now. Now listen here, goddamn it. By the hair of my dead mamaís ass, this here bubbaís goin in that there pot and ifn you stop me, Iíll jam a stick up yer ass and pick out yer brain with it." And with that, Jebba threw that stick of bubba in the pot o possum. And I would have about beat a piece of ass or twoÖ cepting for one thing.
That shit was GOOD!
The Drive Through
"Let me get a cheese burger, no mayo, pickles or lettuce, and a small fries and a coke."
"So one burger, small friesÖ"
"Yes, one cheese burger, fries and a small coke. Will that be all for you today?"
"No mayo or pickles or lettuce on that burger please."
"On the burger or the cheese burger?"
"Thereís just a cheese burger. One cheese burger with no mayo, pickles or lettuce."
"So no fries or coke?"
"Yes, fries and coke. A cheese burger, no pickles, lettuce, or mayo, and fries and a coke."
"So Iíve got two fries, two cokes, a plain cheese burger, and two cheese burgers with no pickles, no lettuce, no mayo. Is that correct sir?"
"Sure. Whatever, lady. Just ring it up."
"Youíre wrong, sir! You ordered a cheese burger with no mayo, pickles or lettuce and a small fries and a coke. Thatís what you originally ordered. All that other stuff was just me fooling around with you. Now are you gonnaí eat this shit or what? I havenít got all day."
"You know what, lady, how about fuck you and your mother in the ass."
"You want cheese on that?"
The Spanish Grasshopper
One day, a Spanish grasshopper was hopping along the road when a car came speeding by and ran it over. It died.
There Was a Time WhenÖ
Back in the day, things used to be different. People didnít use washing machines to get their laundry done, they did the laundry in the river. One didnít go to the supermarket to buy a stick of butter; we had to churn the butter from milk. It was no easy task to go to the moon; we had to build a giant staircase and walk up step by step. Yes, there was a time when people did things from the ground up, and not from the top down. Weíre talking back in the day when we had craftsmen building durable works of art instead of prefab furniture assembled by computers. Even the fucking was done with some sense of style, and now itís just a big dirty mess. If I had my way, Iíd make sure that nobody ever did anything that compromised his or her integrity. Iíd make sure people took their time and left something behind worth a damn. And what Iím talking about is drug abuse.
The Ignoble Guest
A gentleman of leisure came to the door, and I bade him entrance. Upon receiving my courtesy, he took all advantages of my kindness and made to eat all of my food, drink all of my drink, and bed all of my parlor boys. This caused me great distress, and I sought to right him in a fashion most cruel. One night, as he slept in my bed, I entered his body with a dull rusty dagger on numerous occasions until such a time as his heart gave out. Then, I proceeded to dismember him with some enthusiasm and placed him in several bags, which I distributed among various locations about the town where the wild pigs could pick at the meat and bone. I swore never again to allow such a heathen into my home and hearth. However, it was the next day when again I was visited by an ignoble guest, who met the same fate as the former. And again on the third day, I did dismember a rogue. This went on until I had dispatched several hundred scoundrels, and when the town found out about my crimes, and saw of the people I had taken from this world, they threw me a parade with flowers, dancing ladies, and a fancy elephant. I was their hero! For now, they should never again suffer ignoble guests in their homes. And forever after, everyone ate their own food, drank their own drink, and fucked their own parlor boys when their wives were away.
Things were finally back to normal.
†††† I did not spend much time on this literature. The content is foul. There is no publisher who will give me money for this shit. I have half a cup of rice in my cupboard, and that is all. An ignoble guest stole my motorcycle. Heís in jail and my motorcycle is in Georgia at a police impounding facility. Now I have to get someone to take me out there, some 250 miles away to get it back. My credit card has 1 dollar and 97 cents on it. My wallet has no money in it, whatsoever. Rent is coming due, along with the electricity bill, the bill for my computer modem, the bill for my DSL service, the bill for the instillation of my DSL service. I owe the art store 200 dollars, and the copy center 100 dollars. There is half a box of cat food left for my cat, and Iím thinking of eating it. Iím thinking of eating the cat, too.
†††† If you have enjoyed reading this manuscript, can you please wire 1000 dollars to my paypal account immediately? You can find my paypal account under the e-mail address: [email protected], or click the donation link on my webpage at http://www.geocities.com/fredink.
I am not a bum, Iím an artist. Iím hungry and about to be homeless. Today is a wonderful day. In fact, itís a great day to play baseball with my genitals. Wonít you join me?
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