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| 1. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes? Goes-in-tight! 2. What does a 72-year-old snatch taste like? Depends . 3. What's "68"? You do me and I owe you one. 4. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? Gagged! 5. What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker. 6. Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life? Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything. 7. How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb? Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out! 8. What's the definition of a vagina? The box a penis comes in. 9. What do you call a truckload of vibrators? Toys for Twats. 10. Why do we have orgasms? How else would we know when to stop? 11. What's the definition of indefinitely? When your balls are slapping up against her ass, you're in...definitely! 12. Define Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary! 13. What do a dildo and soy beans have in common? They are both used as a meat substitute. 14. What do you call kids born in whorehouses? Brothel sprouts. 15. What is every Amish woman's private fantasy? Two Mennonite. 16. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood? His hand caught fire. 17. Why is sex like a game of bridge? You don't need a partner if you've got a good hand. 18. What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth? Gladiator 19. Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank? Sperm is handmade. 20. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it. 21. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant. | ||||||||
| A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey for himself. The bartender looks at him and says, " Are you out of your mind? I cant give you all that booze, I will end up losing my liquor license." To that the man replied, "Please, do it for me just this one time, I just found out my son is gay." The bartender gave the guy a hard look and said "OK, but just this one time and that's it, never again." The man agreed and as fast as the bartender poured the shots the guy slammed them down. A week later the same guy walked into the same bar and asked the same bartender for 10 more shots of whiskey. The bartender said "Woah, I thought last week we agreed that this was never going to happen again." The guy replied, "Please do it just one more time for me, I swear this will be the last time........I just found out my other son was gay." Again the bartender gives the guy a hard look and says, "OK, but this is absolutely the last time." The guy agreed and again he slammed all 10 shots as fast as the bartender could pour them. A week later the same guy walked into the same bar and asked the same bartender yet again for 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender looked at the guy and said "Jesus Christ man, doesnt anyone in your family like women?!!?!!" The guy says "Yeah, my wife" | ||||||||
| What Men Should Never Say After Sex - 1) "I was kidding about being sterile, you know." 2) "Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?" 3) "How come it's so BIG in there?" 4) "You've done this with a lotta guys before---right?" 5) "Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear, OK?" 6) (Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?" 7) (Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!" 8) "You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!" 9) "My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better." 10) "Do you know what a 'douche' is ?" 11) "Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow. 12) "I want you to try some of MY deodorant." 13) "I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?" 14) "Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!" 15) "I never saw a girl with hairy tits before !" 16) "I've been getting these little blisters lately-------" 17) "You wanna do those dishes before you leave ?" 18) "You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!" | ||||||||
| A man had a 50-yard-line ticket for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. No," he says, "The seat is empty." This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?" The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967." "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?". The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral." | ||||||||
| The Official Polish Sex Guide 1. A clitoris is a type of flower. 2. Pubic hair is a wild rabbit. 3. "Spread Eagle" is an extinct bird. 4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe heart trouble. 5. Menstrual cycle has three (3) wheels. 6. A G-string is part of a violin. 7. Semen is another word for "sailor". 8. Anus is the Latin word for "yearly". 9. Testicles are found on an octopus. 10. Asphalt describes rectal troubles. 11. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. 12. KOTEX is a radio station in Bryan, Texas. 13. Coitus is a musical instrument. 14. Fetus is a character on "Gunsmoke". 15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. 16. A condom is an apartment complex. 17. An organism is the person who accompanies the chior in church. 18. A diaphram is a drawing in geometry. 19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. 20. An erection is when the Japanese vote for their new government officials. 21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. 22. Sodomy is a special kind of fast-growing grass. 23. Pornography is the business of making record albums. 24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origins. 25. Douche is the Italian word for "twelve" 26. An enema is someone who is not your friend. 27. Ovaries are a French egg dish made with cheese. | ||||||||
| a bus carrying only ugly people crashed, and everyone on board died. at the gates of heaven, as everyone has had such a terrible fate, god says he will grant each person a wish. they all line up and the first person says 'i wish to be beautiful as i never have been' and god clicks his fingers and poomf! shes beautiful. the next person has the same wish and it is granted. god works his way down the line and each person is wishing the same thing: beauty. after a few people have got their wishes, god hears a man at the end of the queue laughing, but he ignores him and continues granting wishes. half way down the line the man is laughing manically, by the time god is 3/4 of the way down the line, the man cant contain himself, and every single person has wished for beauty. finally god reaches the man, now practically pissing himself, and god says, 'what is your wish?' the man picks himself up and says 'make em all ugly again' | ||||||||
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