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| Jokes and Funny Shit | ||||||||||||||
| If you have any jokes or funny pics then email me and ill put 'em up | ||||||||||||||
| A woman came home to find her husband in bed with another women. With great strength she pulled him downstairs, out the back door and into the garden shed. She put his dick in the vice, tightened it so he couldn't get it out, and removed the handle. She then picked up a hacksaw, and he said 'y-you're not going to cut it off are you?' to which she smiled, put the saw in his hand, and said, 'no. you are, i'm going to set the shed on fire' | ||||||||||||||
| A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is surprised this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she is so impressed by his sensitive side that she decides not to mention this to him. She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The guy says "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf." | ||||||||||||||
| a woman goes to the doctor and tells him that she has a problem. what's the problem, the doc. asks.. she replies, i have a vibrator stuck in my vagina. doc. says no problem, but we'll have to put you to sleep for the removal. after surgery and after waking up, doc. says to the lady, i got bad news and good news, which do you want to hear first. lady replies the bad news. well the bad news is that we could not get the vibrator outta you. but the good news is that we replaced the batteries.. | ||||||||||||||
| Norman and his wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimeters of snow today. You must park..........." then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do." Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through? With the love and understanding in his voice like all of us men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?" | ||||||||||||||
| A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news." says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" "Oh god no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?" "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm! I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant" "Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again." The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great" says the business man. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." "That's great." said the surgeon. "Not only that," continued the golfer, "My handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors." "Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. I'm glad you didn't have side affects." "Well, just one problem," said the golfer, "every time I get an erection, I also get a headache!" | ||||||||||||||
| It is Christmas Eve and this chap is on a rooftop about to jump off. His wife is leaving him for another man, he has lost his job and he owes thousands of pounds to the bank. Just as he finishes his prayers and closes his eyes, ready to jump, Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder. "Are you OK?" asks Father Christmas. The man explains why he is so miserable and gets ready to jump. "Stop!" shouts Father Christmas. "It is Christmas, I will grant you three wishes to solve your problems on the understanding that you will grant me a small favour in return!" "Would you?" the man replies. "That would be wonderful!!...Thank you, thank you!" Father Christmas promises him: "You shall go home in 1 hour and your wife will be dressed in her sexiest underwear, begging for forgiveness and longing for your return, she will have no recollection of her new boyfriend." "You shall go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and continue with your work. Your salary will have increased by 50%. Also, nobody will have any recollection of your sacking." "You shall go to your bank and you will be ten thousand in credit, you will have no outstanding bills." "Oh thank you, thank you!" says the man. "What is it that I can do for you?" Father Christmas asks the man to drop his pants and bend over. After a brutal rogering, which made his eyes water, Father Christmas asks the man how old he is. "36" replies the man. "Ho, Ho, Ho, You're a bit old to believe in Father Christmas aren't you!?" chuckled the fat gay bastard in fancy dress. | ||||||||||||||
| Brooklyn Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Brooklyn Tony replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Brooklyn Tony answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business." | ||||||||||||||
| A guy runs into an ex-girlfriend, with whom he didn't have the greatest relationship. "You know, I was with another woman last night, but I was still thinking of you." "Why, because you miss me?" "No, because it keeps me from coming too fast." | ||||||||||||||
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