THOUGHTS
1. "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives,
but he never forgets a blow job, no matter how bad it is." - Lenny Clarke
2."I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess'
on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'" - Emo Philips
3. "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole>
relationships." - Jimmy Shubert
4. "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a
son-of-a-bitch." - Rich Jeni
5. On going to war over religion:) "You're basically killing each other to
see who's got the better imaginary friend." - Rich Jeni
6. "I found my wife in bed naked one day next to a Vietnamese guy and a black
guy. I took a picture and sent it to Benetton. You never know." - Franck
Dubosc
7. "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." Stephen
Wright
8. "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on
Me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan."
- John Wing
9. "What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold
my purse.'" - Francois Morency
10. "The Web brings people together because no matter
what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions
of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are
on fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'" - Rich
Jeni
11. "Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." - Tim Steeves
12. "There are only two reasons to sit in the back
row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people
who do." - Rich Jeni
13. "My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading."
- Emo Philips
14. "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural
enemy of a tightrope walker." - Emo
Philips
15. "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Rich Jeni
16. "Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what
an attractive scrotum!'" - Jeff Green
17. "I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured
by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." - Kevin
James
18. "Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment
turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." - Emo Philips
19. "I read somewhere that 77 percent of all the mentally ill live in poverty.
Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite
well for themselves."- Emo [answer: they're lawyers!]