SURVEY
Internet Dating Survey
Met someone special on a BBS or the internet? Wanna ask them out but not
sure if you're willing to take the chance at having a life scarring
experience? No problem! Give 'em this little survey to fill out. Then
review the answers and decide how willing you are to take your life in your
hands!
1) My name is:_______________________________.
2) The gender I claim to be is: (G)host (M)ale (F)emale (S)heep
3) My real gender is: (D)onkey (M)ale (F)emale (S)ternocleidmastoid
4) The age group I fall into is:
(A) Old mother fucker
(A) 40 and older
(B) 30-39
(C) 21-29
(D) 15-20
(E) I wanna be a Power Ranger
(F) Sperm
5) In the past year, I have had:
(A) 1-5 dates
(B) 6-10 dates
(C) 11-15 dates
(D) More than 16 dates
(E) I rape sheep
6) I have the proper height/weight ratio for:
(A) the average human of my age and gender
(B) Nothing
(C) a washer and dryer set
(D) Ireland
(E) My gelatenous mass cannot be measured at any given moment for I am
an ever-shifting entity
7) The reason I stayed at home last Friday night was:
(A) the last time I got in a car, all four wheels popped.
(B) strict upbringing makes me morally superior.
(C) the voices won't let me.
(D) it was a bad idea to drown Marge.
(E) I'm a piece of fuckin' furniture
8) On a date, I prefer to take my companion/be taken to:
(A) a romantic, candlelit Italian cafe.
(B) International House of Pancakes.
(C) Bubba's Beer and Bait Shop.
(D) the dumpster behind 7-11.
(E) The Internet...'cause I'm a Lahhh---hoo---saaa--hhherrr
9) For entertainment, I like to:
(A) watch movies/plays.
(B) watch cock fights.
(C) undulate my twelve chins to the theme of "Bewitched."
(D) snap the necks of mammals smaller than me.
(E) Kill myself and re-incarnate
10) My idea of the perfect male/female is:
(A) Keanu Reeves/Winona Ryder.
(B) Trent Reznor/Courtney Love
(C) Oral Roberts/Janet Reno.
(D) my fist/my fingers.
(E) A french tickler and space helmut
11) My hobbies are:
(A) collectings books/stamps/insects.
(B) computers.
(C) small Hungarian women named Loopy.
(D) eating at least ten times my body weight.
(E) acne.
(F) Holly
12) My first words were:
(A) "Mama/Dada."
(B) "Seconds please."
(C) "Yours and the souls of your friends shall be mine!"
(D) "Touch me... touch me there."
(E) In Braille
13) My dream career is:
(A) millionaire playboy/playgirl.
(B) garbage collector so I can cash in on all their nifty benefits.
(C) anything with barbed wire.
(D) street gang moving target.
(E) lard wrestler.
(D) a Professional Speedbump
14) I consider my body to be:
(A) a temple to the gods of desire.
(B) average, but could use work.
(C) proof God is far-sighted.
(D) I am mainland China.
(E) Just write "Titanic" on my behind.
(F) Dead, soon
15) If I could have one wish, it would be:
(A) peace on earth.
(B) piece of William Shatner's behind.
(C) four words: Pez, whips, Uma Thurman.
(D) a quick and easy cure for genital warts.
(E) to see jesus or God....and kick their asses
16) I have encountered problems with law enforcement agencies:
(A) never/seldom.
(B) often, and they always insist on body cavity searches.
(C) my family portrait is at the post office.
(D) I was arrests #234-289 on "America's Most Wanted."
17) What I would like to accomplish in my life most is:
(A) happiness. [Shut up, you hippy]
(B) a sixth finger.
(C) the ultimate Hellen Keller imitation.
(D) working my way into Zsa Zsa Gabor's pants.
(E) Ridding the highway of all lone shoes.
(F) giving myself head
18) A nickname my friends may give me would be:
(A) Sexy/Ace/Bunny/Sweetie/etc.
(B) Scrotum Thief.
(C) Commander Nasal Clit and his Amazing Elbow, Sparky.
(D) The Thrustinator.
(E) Exxxxtacy Maggot.
(F) FREAK
19) My favorite thing about holidays is:
(A) the warm feeling of being with family and friends.
(B) food, food, food.
(C) it means I'm one year closer to freedom.
(D) Grandpa's annual orgy of the Damned.
20) My favorite meal is:
(A) a well balanced healthy dinner.
(B) whatever's stuck to t he bottom of my chair.
(C) Indian boys about 4' tall, 11 years old, 90 lbs.
(D) boiled semen with a side order of lovin'.
(E) Beer....though getting laid wouldn't hurt.
21) My favorite type of literature is:
(A) computer tests like this one.
(B) public restroom stalls.
(C) anything on the newsgroup alt.beastiality.
(D) the magic writing on the back of my foot.
(E) the toe tags at the morgue when I'm on my "rounds."
(F) 'Literature'.....too many syllables, man
22) My political views are:
(A) Democrat (bleeding heart, egg sucking liberal)
(B) Republican (money grubbing child molestor)
(C) Liberitarian (What's the matter? not enough spine for a real
party?)
(D) Rastafarian [?]
(E) Fuck politics
23) (For females or Richard Simmons) When I walk by construction sights, the
workers:
(A) whistle and cat-call.
(B) shield their eyes.
(C) jump of the high rise to end it quick and painlessly.
(D) throw rocks.
(E) Man, they can really aim that demolition ball.
24) If I were an animal in the zoo, I'd be:
(A) a love bird.
(B) an orangatang, pooping in my hands and throwing it.
(C) the dead animal that's been rotting for three days.
(D) a deformed, blind baby kangaroo.
(E) Dead
25) My favorite type of music is:
(A) hard rock with no lyric and talentless bands.
(B) country music, cuz I'm a good ol' boy and I like to touch my
sister's "fun zones."
(C) Tejano music (the soothing rythems of a blaring accordian)
(D) Groups like "the Cure" because I can pretend I'm a vampire and act
so dark and depressing when I'm nothing more than a sexually
repressed teen who is upset 'cause my father didn't hug me enough
and fulfill my bizarre, incestuous fantasies.
(E) Classi....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
(F) Flatulence
26) The best type of pet is:
(A) dog.
(B) cat.
(C) anything that can "spread eagle" quick and likes "heavy petting."
(D) Darn you! Darn you! Vulcans need no pets!
(E) toasters- don't ask.
(F) Bob
27) My last relationship was ruined because:
(A) I dropped my pants and he/she laughed.
(B) he/she couldn't put up with my habit of putting my body parts into
pencil sharperners and screaming, "Yes, Captain, I am the Walrus!"
(C) his/her is scattered across Delaware- shhh, don't tell.
(D) she kept leaving the toilet seat up.
(E) Woke up
(F) I am a Nymphomaniac coke connection who owns a Ferrari dealership....but
he/she liked Pepsi & Pontiacs.
28) If my life had a slogan, it would be:
(A) "Get a piece of the rock."
(B) [Kool-Aid Man voice] "Oooooh yeah!"
(C) "Still legal in 32 states."
(D) "Mormon approved."
(E) "Woah!"
(F) "Biscuit!"
29) I use my computer most for:
(A) work.
(B) play.
(C) communications.
(D) DOOM [no one PLAYS Doom]
(E) trapping hapless fools for consumption.
(F) trying to discover a user's footsize by handle.
(G) a sex slave. (My computer gave me the Michaelangelo virus)
(F) Leather-Based Beastialic Pedophilia of the Dead People Kind
30) What issues concern/interest you the most?
(A) AIDS.
(B) racism.
(C) foriegn policy.
(D) cattle mutilations.
(E) If the Mystique Sponge have tracked me yet.
(F) How I can get my hands on the neck of Knight of Nee.
(G) Self Blow Jobs
31) The title of my (auto)biography would be:
(A) "Sweet Jesus! Thank God he's DEAD!"
(B) "Lifestyles of the Mundane and Mediocre."
(C) "Spoon Your Way To Fame and Fortune."
(D) "Going in His/Her Pants."
(E) "Still a Virgin."
(F) "Damn, you people suck"
(G) "Where's the Beer?!"
32) My favorite pick-up line is:
(A) "Can I pick your teeth with my (insert random limb)?"
(B) "Do I pay you or the guy in the pink suit?"
(C) "Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?"
(D) "I bet I can bench press you!"
(E) "Your eyes are so entrancing... your skin so delicate... wanna make
love?"
(F) "If you'll screw me, I'll promise to say YOUR name...which is...???"
33) My sign is:
(A) Some zodiac thing.
(B) "Child at play."
(C) "All you can eat."
(D) "Billions and Billions served."
(E) "Dip."
(F) "Feces...but my friends call me #2"
34) My dream car is:
(A) a 1979 blue Mustang Gia named Laura Palmer.
(B) the 1960's Batmobile.
(C) a hearse.
(D) anything I can fit in the backseat of.
(E) an Edsel.
35) If I ever got the chance to meet the makers of this test, I'd:
(A) shower them with love and adoration. [a threat in itself]
(B) become the authors' personal tonsil hockey slave.
(C) attempt to beat the heck out of them.
(D) ask them to autograph my spine.
(E) tell them to drop their pants and squeel like a pig.
(F) believe in GOD....'cause I just met him/her!