SILLY
BUT
CLEVER
Before you criticize someone walk a mile in his shoes.
That way if he gets angry he'll be a mile away -- and
barefoot.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad
memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one
you've never tried before.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a
glance.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life
is serious.
It is easier to get forgiveness than
permission.
For every action there is an equal and opposite
government program.
Age is a very high price to pay for
maturity.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably
need the trip.
Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass
your way again.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of
checks.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts
feel so good.
Eat well - stay fit - die anyway.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
No husband has ever been shot while doing the
dishes.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each
hand.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist
change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than
coming.
Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted
on.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural
stupidity.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
going to a garage makes you a
mechanic.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to
recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet they move the ends.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy
refrigerator.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast
to the real world.
I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is
when I'm in the bathroom.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to
be amused.