RANDOM THOUGHTS

I live in my own little world, but it's OK, they know me here.

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,

Thyroid problem?'"

I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by

standing up really fast."

Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

I don't have a big ego, I'm way too cool for that.

"I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner."

Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?

I see your IQ test results were negative.

Regular naps prevent old age.....especially if you take them while driving.

When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half.

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't

either.

If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would

have only had ten disciples!

If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no

trade-in value.

I have learned there is little difference in husbands, you might as well

keep the first.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes,

make Bloody Marys.

Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven

different languages.

"I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding.

That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters."

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.

Save Your Breath... You'll need it to blow up your date!

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me

lately!

"Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive

days I've stayed alive."

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was asalted.

"No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning."

I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: CHECKOUT TIME IS 18."

"How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for

Miss America?"

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and

lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not

feeling well?

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point

involved.

The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage

disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in

this world.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.


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