OBSERVATIONS IN LIFE
1. Food has replaced sex in my life. Now I can't even get into my own pants.
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.
3. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
4. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said, "Implants?"
5.I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.
6. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: " Buy one dog,get one flea"
7. I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.
8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
9.I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
10. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the TERMINAL?
11. I don't approve of political jokes....I've seem too many of them get elected.
12. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
13. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shitheads.
14. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; If it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades, now THAT's a message!
15.I love being married. It's so great to find that one special someone you want to annoy for the rest of
your life.
16. Shopping Tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
17."I" am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
18.I married my wife for her looks...but not for the ones she's been giving me lately!
19. Isn't if funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom?
20. Everyday I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
21. If carrots are so good for the eyes, why do you see so many dead rabbits on the road?
22. Welcome to Shit Creek. Sorry, we are out of paddles
23. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
24. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
25. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
26. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled..................
27. Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom's wise words, "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been............."
28. Why is it that when we go to the bathroom we "take a sh*t", yet when we don't care about something we "don't give a sh*t"?
Shouldn't it be the other way aroud?
29. Why are burps and farts cosidered rude while yawning, coughing, Hiccups and Sneezing are competely acceptable?
If anything......
Yawns are contagious
Coughing can hurt
Hiccups are annoying
Sneezing can cover you and your friend in snot.