| HISTORY 2. 5 |
| Tangent Of Early Modern Rabbitland by Neep Colendular (Phood) |
| The 'Compagnie of Rabbits Tradying to thee Bipedal Beestes in thee Playce That ys Windier', or the Beast Windier Company as it came to be known, was first granted a monopoly of trade with the human world by Emperor Enormity the Third in the year 3. However, it chose to ignore this, and to render its lengthy name irrelevant, by spending all its resources in the pursuit of what its founder and first director, Individual Measurement Smythe, called in his cryptic, stuttering and dribble-soaked script 'Thee grayt Bigge Shynnie thinggge'. It became accepted amongst the historical establishment (and I'm talking to you, Sqanderfleen) that this was an entirely futile and non-existent thing. The history of Rabbitland, such historians said (though not me, I never said it), would have been considerably less silly had the Company concentrated more on trade and less on the 'mythical' (huh!) 'thinggge'. Against conventional (and some might say dumb-ass) historical thought, one hard-done by, often-slandered Rabbitean historian (alone, without any support from anyone, not even the guys from Uni) set out to actually find the object of Individual Measurement Smythe's dreams. I... er... He began by reading again the usually-dismissed account (I hope you're listening Squanderfleen - the Usually Dismissed account) by Strathe Landcrustacean of the savages of Yeeee. In this document (tattered and yellowed by the disdainful, probing fingers of sceptical historians (or serious - they said - serious historians) anyway, as I was saying, in this document (called by one prominent historian, and I quote, 'a doubtful testimony at best. In stark contradiction to the diaries of other members of the voyage and littered with grostequely lewd passages indicative of a mind not altogether focused on the task in hand.') in this document, right, he found an over-looked passage (over-looked passage) refering to an 'objekt of such shiynie countenance that I skarce forbade mi deerest and moste welkomminnge syster to fornicate with it, whylst wearinnnge that lyttle bloo number.' The only previous 'serious' (Ha!) historian to have commented on this was Wilchaink Bord-Thwart in his book 'History; the good bits' back in 1973. Other than that the so-called 'credible' (though that adjective seems a little IN-CREDIBLE now though, wouldn't you say, Sqanderfleen?) - (that was clever!) - the So-Called Credible historical community (many prominent members of which 'elite' group had the ordassity to refer to my work as 'pseudo-history' - in fact, Gerboa Mullberry used an article in The Economical Vole to express his contmept thusly: '...this historical cul-de-sac is currenlty being traversed by Neep Colendular, whose pseudo-historical (there it is, see? I told you!) roller-coaster might well make fascinating headlines but is ultimately a cheap ride in an ill-conceived and, frankly, trite theme park.' But where is he now? No doubt sitting sipping the bitter tea of being completely wrong round at your's, Sqanderfleen, along with all your other cronies like Resnicker, Tworb, Flangrathit, Baithe (Of all people I expected you to stick by me, Baithe, you bugger. Who was it who stopped Lagnate and the other rugger boys stuffing lettuce up your bottom when you were a fresher?), Telgrinthrowb, Rancid-Pencil, Treng bloody Facit, Kaych, Norcentwine, and Craig sodding Philanthropy. Well you can all go screw now. You can all go screw. Can't you? Can't you? Who's the daddy now, huh? Who's the daddy?)(bugger, almost out of space, I'd better wrap up) I found it. |
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