| ARCHIVES |
| The Foundation Of Early Modern Rabbitland by Leutenant Sqander Fleen (HSBC) |
| Renaissance Rabbitland was a land enjoying a renaissance of classicism among other things. Amongst those other things were Yak-wielding, bottom appreciating, hurdles, shorts, noodles and Ju Jitsu - all of which are cooler than classicism. The latter-most former of these was practised almost exclusively by the emerging middle classes of craftsmen, especially those involved in the weaving of cattle. The foremost proponent of this was the genius hemp-artiste, Eldo il Popolino il Duce Plimpsole. Born in the volcanic Mular region, Plimpsole began an apprenticeship as a goose-throttler at the Cardiff Wildlife Sanctuary in Cardiff. He was caught on the 4th of December 1555. We know this date to be correct because one Nigel Griffiths, a cottlesfworth-elmner in the village at the time, has not yet managed to die. 'Il Duce Plimpsole. Yea, I remember he. Bi myne own reckoning he hath dyd of th skreeming pumps. Afore this, and afore other matter wich did okur within hys lyfe, he did perform the dutie of gouse-throttling,' said Nige', 'At this he excel'd. Alas, he did not serv owt his apprenticeship, for, being of slothful foot and spaz-headed unwariness in his watch, he was collar'd bi the nape of his jigsome, by the man of the watch and was thereupon twatted about the cruft of his headyngs with stycks. Thereupon further, he was expylled and made to go to sea upon a voyage with the grayt Captain Woolms.' As cabin boy, Plimpsole would have been in the thick of this ambitious attempt to forge a passage across the tropical seas of the Western Pilchards, and through all major landmasses on route to the mousse-rich lands of the East. The vessel spearheading this mission was the Heartfelt Polecat, a magnificent four berth, nine-masted galleon, nineteen miles deep and with its prow triple- reinforced with nuclear laser-death steel to cut rivers through the land that its entourage might follow. Amongst the other ships were the Smashing Tree, Cecil, Ringo Starr's first command, the Villanous Prong and the pinnace, The Fucked-up Child. Great hardships were endured and great fortunes enjoyed, alternately. Due to a lack of milk many of the crew's brains fell out through gaps in their heads. But good progress was made until they were forced to turn back by a bee. From the log of Captain Woolms: '...for a tyme our fotyoon held, bi th' wyll of Towser, who art sumware. The Vessail that was my commaund did t'riffically sail through the continents of Kint and Buggger, afore further passage was halted by an bee. Th' art of medykal scyence was furthr'd, however, as duryng th' corse of our voyij we diskuvr'd three new humors by prodyng our cabin boy with stycks until such did issue forth. Also figr'd how to tern base metail into gold. But forgot.' Plimpsole, on his return to land, vowed never to go to sea again, becoming instead a genius. He was apprenticed by Pingu Flail Surgery, a Florentine. He soon eclipsed his mentor, however, designing a machine for making chicks fancy you and composing the world's first noise. During this time events occurred that were to shape the world in ways both profound and unspecified. Plimpsole was then patronised by Hazuk Nicehands, Prince-in-Chief of the kingdom of Profanitie. However, when he insisted on shrieking 'Nouns' all day, and refusing to do anything else, he was cast out to wander the wilderness. During this time he lived as a chicken, producing eggs for a Florentine named Ezekial Manufacturing, who later invented the household product that now bears his name. During this time there was a near total breakdown of intelligible communication worldwide. Sentences became bigger in terms of ill-structuring and diction and content and context and people: more increasingly fed up with nobody they am talking to making much sense - unnecessary clause - until it stopped. The Renaissance ended with a big party and the nineteenth century began with the building of a great glass jar of ointment to house an exhibition of bullying. |
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| This is thought to be a true likeness of Plimpsole - though the meaning of the beaver is far from clear. |
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