Something's gonna happen.

I don't know what or when, but I feel it in my bones. I feel edgy and strange and altogether off. My mood swings horribly fast from discontentment to anger to fear and back to discontentment. I'm not really happy, I haven't been happy for some time, though I've certainly had moments of joy and fun. But even those moments have been tinged with a certain wariness, the feeling that everything could disappear in a poof of white smoke, if I turn my head for a moment.

(Why is it that everything disappears in a poof of white smoke? Why not black or gray smoke, or maybe wisps of smoke? How about pretty mutlicolored glitter? Or shredded leaves? But I digress.)

I know that part of it is my job. I'm quite dissatisfied with going into work each day and toying with numbers and invoices and check requests. I don't like numbers much, always imagined myself quite the creative woman, though I'm suprisingly good with numbers and have dealt with them nearly my entire working life.

I'm tired of dealing with sales reps and coordinators that don't seem to know how to fill out forms and what needs to be stamped and insist on sending marketing reimbursements to Finance, though it's all supposed to come to me first for verification.

I'm frustrated by the heavy feeling that permeates my department, that any day one of us may look up and see the sickle swing down and cut us out of the picture. There have been massive restructurings throughout my division, with some departments being cut entirely, others significantly pared down, lots of politics and bullshit (No, really, this will be far more efficient).

I'm torn between wanting to leave Disney or just wanting to go to another division. Disney has some great benefits, and has a wonderful volunteer organization that I do some work with, plus there are some really cool perks. I know there are divisions where people are actually happy to show up evey morning. Just not where I am.

Then I think about the merciless marketing which for which Disney is infamous. I think about all the Disney products that are made in China, where human rights are a joke, at best. I dislike working for a corporation that is so damned huge and is getting bigger every day. Hey, I own Disney stock! Don't I get a say in the way things are run? Well, no. I don't own enough stock to make a difference.

Why don't I just get a new job? Well, I'm looking into that, but I don't want to leave just to leave. I want to go somewhere that will help get me where I want to go in my career. But I don't want to lose too much money doing it.

Besides, I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I love acting, and finally got my headshots and (paltry) resume together, now it's just time to send those out, to build up my credits. It's been far too long since I've been onstage, and I do miss it. But with the paging, plays are out. I work every Tuesday and Friday night. How about student films? I've been scouring the trades, but most of the stuff I see is either for model types who are ok with nudity or look to film for far too long. I can't take off a lot of time from either job. Just gotta keep my eyes open, I guess. And find a good acting coach.

There's writing, but it's not all that easy to break in and I have no previous experience in publishing. When I've looked into working for a publishing company, they always seem to want me for the sales department, have told me straight out that they don't move people from sales to editorial and want me for far less than I'm making right now. Forget it! I'll self-publish before I do that.

However, I'm discovering that I like web design. I need to take courses in computer graphics, so that I can produce something a bit more impressive than the simple backgrounds and buttons that I have on this site, and learn a bit more HTML and Java. Luckily there's no shortage of computer classes.

Know what's even better? I'm good at web design. I won't be modest. I'm completely self-taught at this point, and this site ain't too shabby. Imagine what I can do with professional instruction. I know I have an excellent eye for layout and colors. I choose a lot of dark blues for the Strand because it's easier on my light-sensitive eyes than lighter colors, but that doesn't mean I won't use lighter colors if they're more appropriate. Just a little experience and I'll run rings around some "professional" sites out there.

Now I need to shake my lethargy. I trudge through the days, my eyes barely open, feeling vaguely tired, but not quite exhausted. Every once in a while I'll get a burst of energy, but not as often as I'd like (my messy apartment is evidence of that). Maybe I just need more exercise, more vitamins, more tofu, more something. I'm not sure what.

But something's due any day. And I will know, right away, soon as it shows. Hey, I think I'm starting to feel better.