Chel sat on Kaylas hospital bed and listened as her friend recounted the details of what she had told AJ last week. She knew Kayla had been hiding something from her, but would never have thought that she had broken up with AJ. She didnt understand why Kayla was torturing herself they way she was, she knew that AJ loved her, but she insisted on pushing him away. As she listened, only one question was on Chel's mind. "Do you still love him Kay?" The look on her friends face told her that she did. "Then why are you doing this?"
She watched as kayla struggled for a good answer and knew that she wouldnt find one. Chel still couldnt believe that for the last week, kayla had been ignoring AJs visits, telling the nurses to make excuses so she wouldnt have to see him. Nick had told her that all of the guys were concerned about AJ and Chel decided to find out for herself why Kayla was refusing to see or talk to AJ.
"Chel, Im not the same girl that he fell in love with. Look at me! Tell me, what can i give him? Theres nothing for him if he stays with me, Im holding him back." In a way, Chel understood where Kayla was coming from, but she knew that Kayla was feeling sorry for herself. "He still loves you, Kay. he never stopped. You cant see it because you wont let him in. The guys are all scared for him. Nick says he wont eat, and he barely leaves his house. Let the guys in, theyll tell you!" Chel was still surprised that she was one of the only three people Kayla was allowing in her room. Not only was Kayla pushing Aj away, she seemed determined to try to forget everything about her life before the accident. Neither the guys, the other dancers or the band had been allowed in the room since last week. Only herself, Kayla's mother and Ryan were given clearance to Kaylas room.
"Chel, I dont want to talk about it anymore, please? It still hurts to think about him, but i know its better this way. Im sure of it. Now, today is a happy day, Im coming home in two days. No bad thoughts, ok?" Chel saw her friend giving her a half smile and knew that Kayla had dismissed the subject. Not daring to push it further, the two began talking about Kaylas homecoming. They were both excited that she was finally able to go home. The doctors had decided that Kayla was well rested and recuperated enough to leave. Chel listened as Kayla explained to her how she still had to come back every other day for physical therapy. Seeing the smile on Kaylas face, Chel thought that going home might be better medicine than anything the hospital could ever give her.
They talked well into the afternoon, discussing how Kaylas mom and Ryan were going to rent an apartment in their building until Kayla got adjusted to being home. They were deep in conversation and they were both startled when the door to Kaylas room was thrown open, hitting the wall with a resounding thud. Chel was shocked to see Nick standing in the doorway and her first thought was "my god he looks like hell." She could see that his normally sparkling blue eyes were dull and clouded over, the corners holding a hint of tears. His hair was messed and his clothes were wrinkled. He looked like he had jumped straight out of bed and into the hospital room.
As Chel started to walk towards him to find out what was wrong, she heard Kayla's voice coming from the bed. "Leave Nick. Chel and I are almost done, she'll be right out." Chel watched as Nick walked over to the bed and tossed a piece of paper at Kayla. "He's gone, kayla. He left." Chel could hear both bitterness and sadness in his voice and wondered what was on the paper. She looked at Kayla, who after reading what was written on the paper, turned to look out the window and simply said, "Its not my fault." Curiosity was too much for Chel as she reached for the paper and, needing to see the cause of the tension in the room, read.
Guys-
I know your worried, but dont be. Im fine. I just need to get away for a while. Dont try to find me, ill be back when i get back. Tell Kayla i still love her. Im sorry guys.
-Bone-
Chel was going to comment on what she read, but stopped when she heard Nick talking, his voice rising with every word. "Not your fault? Then who's fault is it? You can sit there on your ass feeling sorry for yourself as long as you want, the truth wont change. You thought about nobody but yourself. Nobody." He spat his words out at her, making Chel jump with his last "nobody". A little softer, he continued, "You are hurting one of my best friends, all because you are to selfish to deal with your own problems." He was cut off by Kayla shooting back at him, "Im not the one who told him to run away. If he cant handle his own problems, its his fault, not mine." "Its your fault if you are the problem!! Why are you being so selfish? He loves you and i thought you loved him. Was it really so easy for you to just throw that all away?" Chel could see that Nick was trying to make sense of the situation and she could see that his words were affecting Kayla, but was afraid to see how far he would push her. She knew that Nicks temper was hard to control once it got started and by the look on his face, he was far from finished.
"Nick, maybe you should stop..." She didnt want things to get out of hand, but was cut off by Kayla. "No Chel, he obviously has more to say. If he thinks he knows everything, lets hear what he has to say." Chel could see resentment in Kayla's eyes as she glared at Nick, but she saw that beneath the resentment, there was hurt in her eyes. Nicks words were hitting home. She stepped back towards the door and watched, intrigued, as Nick moved closer to the bed.
"This note doesnt bother you? You can honestly sit there and deny that there is something wrong? You KNOW how he gets, he's an emotional person. How could you do this to him when the only thing he wanted was to be here and support you?"
"Why should i prolong it Nick? He was going to see one of these days that....OMIGOD....Kaylas a cripple, she cant walk, why am I still with her? You think i could deal with that pain? Yeah i am selfish, but i needed to protect myself. And i know he was here for me, that was the problem. Seeing him everyday was killing me, seeing the future we could never have. He needs to find some one who can give him what he wants, what he deserves, the best. After he has been away from me for a while, he'll realize that. You dont get it, Nick. I did this for him, not me. I do still love him, more than you know. Thats why I want him to be happy, but that isnt with me, not anymore."
Chel saw Nick shake his head, taking in Kaylas words and when he spoke again his voice was soft, yet clear. He was staring intently at Kayla, who was trying hard to avoid his eyes. "Your right about one thing, Kayla. I dont get it, I dont understand. I see two of my friends who are very much in love. One with a broken heart, all but killing himself. The other also has a broken heart, one created by her own selfishness. You let her own self pity consume you and its destroying a great relationship. I just hope that you realize what you gave up before its too late." Turning to Chel he said, "Ill be outside." Giving Kayla one last look, Nick walked out of the room.
Chel silently watched as Kayla picked up AJs note again and saw the tears start to fall. She started towards the bed, but stopped when Kayla shook her head. "Dont Chel. I want to be alone. ill talk to you tomorrow." Still clutching the note in her hand, Kayla turned back toward the window. Chel waited a few minutes, then started walking to the door. She turned around one last time and she could hear the silent sobs that her friend was trying hard to hide.
AJ sat on the porch of Nicks house in Tampa, the secret house. He chuckled when he thought of the name the guys had given the house because of how secluded it was. No fans had found it yet and it was perfect if you needed to just get away for a while. He knew that he should have gone somewhere that the guys wouldnt be able to find him, but didnt know where else to go. At least he would have a few days to himself.
He stood up and ran down the stairs that led to the beach. It was a beautiful night, with the moon shining brightly and the clear sky. AJ looked out across the water and he imagined he could feel the coolness of the water on his skin. He didnt want to just imagine it anymore, and at that moment all he wanted was to feel the water around him. Breaking into a run across the sand, he reached the waters edge and waded into the ocean. Once he was far enough from the shore, he dove under the surface of the water.
AJ stayed under the water until his lungs screamed in protest. He resurfaced, gasping for air, but strangely he enjoyed the buzz it gave him. There was nothing bad under the waves, no heartbreaks, no worries. He thought about how easy it would be to just not come back up, as he dove down again. He felt the familiar feeling of his lungs screaming at him, but he ignored it this time. The pain in his lungs soon became unbearable as he tried desperately to find the surface. He kicked up, then down but he had lost all sense of direction. His head was throbbing and he knew he needed air. As he swam, he felt his mouth open slightly as the salty water filled his mouth, then his lungs. His mind was racing and he was in full panic mode although he knew he had to stay focused if he was to save himself. For one brief second, a thought flashed through his mind. "Do i really want to save myself?"
It was getting hard for AJ to focus on anything and he was growing tired. He continued to swim for what he thought was the surface, but his mind was getting foggy and he couldnt concentrate. Dammit AJ what the hell did you do?, he scolded himself. He was scared now because everything seemed to be getting farther and farther away. He couldnt think about any one thing clearly. Thoughts hit him in his clouded mind, his mom, the guys, his puppies, Kayla... His last thought was, I love you Kayla, as he felt himself slipping into the blackness that was surrounding him.
"Dammit AJ, dont do this. Come on man, come on." Gasping for breath, AJ sat up and took in as much of the cool air as he could. For the next ten minutes, AJ sat on the beach in the middle of a coughing fit. When he was finished, he glanced around and saw the beach, the night time sky, everything was the way it was before. He remembered what he had done and was brought out of his thoughts by a voice. "What the hell are you doing to yourself, man?" He looked up and saw Howie standing over him, dripping wet. He guessed that Howie must have pulled him out of the water.
After a few more stray coughs, AJ cleared his throat and tried to talk. "D, man, how did you know i'd be here?" He watched Howie sit down on the sand next to him and had to laugh at the knowing look he was giving him. "Ive known you for over ten years now, Bone. I know how you think. Well i thought i did until i saw you lying on top of the water tonight. You were lucky i got here when i did, too much longer and..." Howies voice trailed off, then he started again sounding almost mad. "You scared the shit out of me, AJ! What were you thinking?" AJ knew he was waiting for a reply, but he didnt have one. He didnt even know for sure if he had intentionally tried to drown himself. He had gone to Nicks house to escape from the thought and pain of losing Kayla, but he knew that he couldnt do it alone.
AJ knew that he wasnt going to give up on Kayla, he vowed he never would. What he was going to do was let the guys help him through this, running from them and his problems wasnt the answer. Looking at Howie, he gave him a smile. "D, Can I talk to you?" He started to stand up but was still weak from all that had happened. He reached out for Howies hand and steadied himself. "Sure AJ, we can talk." Aj followed Howie into Nicks house and the two friends talked into the night. About Kayla, about the group, about anything that was on their minds. Letting himself get a full nights rest, AJ knew that he was ready to go back to Orlando, no matter what was there for him.
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