Kayla sat on her couch and stared at her empty living room. Chel had gone out shopping with Kaylas mother for the day. She had been so happy to come home and was surprised when she saw how Chel had arranged the apartment to make things easier for her. Almost everything had been moved within her reach and the furniture had been moved slightly so she could get around easier in her wheelchair. The huge "Welcome Home, Kayla" sign still hung from the shelf where her stereo was and Kayla smiled remembering the happiness of her home come. She couldnt have asked for a better homecoming, she knew that, but deep down she knew that something was missing.
She was having trouble pushing Nick's words from her mind. The more she thought about what he had said to her in her hospital room, the more she knew he was right. She had been selfish. She had thought about nobody but herself. Kayla still couldnt believe that AJ had taken off without a word to anybody. The more she thought about it, the more worried about him she got. She still loved him, and wouldnt be able to forgive herself if something happened to him. She had heard no word from anybody if he was home or not. Nick refused to come up to the apartment and Kayla felt bad for that. She had never wanted to put a strain on Nick and Chel's relationship. Not only was Nick not going to her apartment, the others had given up trying to visit her also.
Kayla felt alone. Not in the "by herself" sense, but she had a strong feeling that something was missing. She knew she needed to know if AJ was alright. As Kayla sat on the couch, her eyes moved to the phone. What would I say, she thought to herself. She thought for a few more minutes, then decided. She would call him just to see if he was home yet. She reached for the phone and with shaky fingers, dialed the number that she knew so well. On the other end, the phone rang once, then again. On the third ring, Kayla heard the click of it being answered. She swallowed hard when she heard the voice, the voice that had always had the ability to make her melt. "Hello?" Taking in a deep breath, she slowly began taking. "AJ, Its Kayla." She heard the silence on the other end and wondered what he was thinking. "AJ, I..."
"Kayla, just like you needed time, i'm confused still. I need time to think things through. I'll call you." Kayla stared at the reciever in her hand as the sound of the dial tone sounded in her brain. There had been no emotion in his voice and that scared her. She had never heard him sound like that before, he sounded almost cold. Shaking the thought from her head, she reminded herself that all she had wanted was to see if he was alright. And he was. Nick's words found their way back into her mind. "...letting her self pity destroy one of the best things she's ever had..." My God, what have I done?, she thought. Now more than ever, she knew Nick was right. She had destroyed the best thing in her life.
Setting the phone down next to her on the couch, she went through the motion of pulling herself into the wheelchair. She made her way over to the stereo and found the cd she wanted to hear, their song. She hit the play button, then her eyes wandered to the picture that sat on top of the stereo. It was her favorite picture of the two of them, taken during the rehearsels for the tour. AJ had demanded that Kayla give him a piggy-back ride and she was playfully trying to push him off. Kevin had caught the scene on film. In the picture, AJ was half on top of her and they were both looking straight at the camera, huge grins on their faces. Tears fell from her eyes as the familiar song began to play. It was their song, but now all it did was remind Kayla of how stupid she had been. Staring at the picture, she whispered to the empty room, "AJ, I'm so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you."
She wasnt sure how long she sat there staring at the picture when she heard a familiar female's voice calling to her. "Kayla?" She looked up to see Fatima standing in the doorway. "Is it all right if i come in?" Surprised, she quickly wiped the tears from her eyes and nodded. "Tima? Hey, yeah, come on in." She knew she must have looked like a wreck with her tear stained face and rumpled pajamas still on, but Fatima made no notice. She brought herself back to the couch and motioned for her former dance instructor to sit down. Kayla could see the concern written across her face and knew she had to be careful not to let on how bad she was feeling.
Trying to sound cheerful, Kayla began talking. "So, whats going on?" She knew her words sounded fake, but hoped that Fatima wouldnt notice. "Kayla." She watched as Fatima paused, making sure that she had Kaylas full attention. "Why are you doing this to yourself? I dont like seeing you like this." It was more than she could handle at that moment. Kayla turned her head away from Fatima as a new batch of tears threatened to fall. She hated how easily she could cry lately, the tears always came with no warning. She said softly, "Tima, please. Not you too. After what Nick said, I know this is for the best." Kayla didnt want to listen to another person tell her how badly she had messed things up.
"Nick was wrong for the way he attacked you, he'll realize that soon enough. You know how he gets. All he knew was that one of his best friends had just taken off, he was worried. And AJ..." Kayla shifted her eyes down to the floor at the mention of his name. Fatima continued talking. "He misses you, Kay. You may not be able to see it, but he needs you in his life. I saw him yesterday and he looked miserable." Shaking her head in disbelief she told Fatima about the phone call. "He's hurt. I know how he is. Give him a bit of time, just like you needed time." Fatima stopped to look right into Kaylas eyes. "He loves you as much as you love him. Believe me, i know he does. Dont forget that and lose sight of your love for him."
Kayla found Fatimas words somewhat comforting and hesitantly, she felt herself opening up to the older woman. She told her exactly what she had told AJ, exactly how she had felt. She explained to her how she felt as if she were missing part of herself, like she had lost him. She told Fatima how Nicks outburst had affected her and how she was making herself go crazy with guilt. It felt so good to get her feelings out that once she got started, she didnt know if she would be able to stop. Even as a child, she kept her feelings hidden inside. Now she felt like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. She wasnt sure why, but this was different then talking to Chel or her mother. She felt almost happy.
The two talked far into the afternoon, and after Kayla finished telling her about AJ, Fatima began to fill her in on what was going on in her life. She talked about the latest projects she had undertaken and told Kayla hilarious stories about other four dancers from the tour. Although Kayla had tried to put everything from the tour behind her, she loved hearing the stories about her old friends. As they talked, she admitted to Fatima that she missed everyone. "Tima? Do you think they still wanna come and visit me?" She watched as Fatima nodded saying, "Of course. Everybody misses you. I'll tell them you said they can come to see you." She paused and Kayla watched her face turn serious. "Theres something else i wanted to talk to you about."
Kayla turned her head, knowing what was coming next. She generally tried to avoid talking about it. "Tima, I really dont want..." "Kayla, please, just listen. I want to help you. I know that your going to physical therapy at the hospital, but i highly doubt that anybody there has a dancers spirit." Curious, Kayla looked up to face Fatima and laughed when she winked. "Ive got a friend at a hospital in Tampa. I know its quite a drive but she specializes in the entertainment field. I talked to her and shes willing to take you in once a week. If you are willing to go, I will take you there myself."
Kayla didnt know what to say. She was shocked that Fatima had done all that for her and she knew she wanted to go. "Yes, I want to go." Kayla was interrupted by the sound of Fatimas pager going off. Smiling at Kayla, she stood up. "Alright, its settled. Next Friday, we go. Im glad you talked to me Kayla. I miss you, we all do. I gotta leave, but I'll call you tomorrow, alright? Remember what i said, give it time." "I know Tima, I know. Im glad you came by. Tell everyone they can come if they want. I promise i wont bite anybodys head off." Both of them laughed at this as Kayla watched as Fatima saw herself out.
After Fatima left, kayla laid her head back against the arm of the couch. She had alot of different thoughts running through her head. A new doctor, old friends coming to visit. She felt good, happy even. Maybe, she thought, just maybe i can start getting my life back on track. She knew that she wouldnt be able to do that yet, there was still something missing. Fatima had said to give it time. For AJ, Kayla knew she had all the time in the world.
"Bone, are you listening?" AJ sat up in his chair and tried to remember exactly what Kevin had just said. They were discussing plans for the next album with one of the record company executives, but AJs mind was on only one thing. He was still reeling from the fact that Kayla had called him. The sound of her voice had sent him into emotional overdrive. He hadnt expected to hear from her and hadnt known what to say. After he hung up the phone, he couldnt believe how distant he had been to her. He wished he could take back what he said and had thought about calling her right back but he wouldnt have known what to say. He still had the phone in his hand when Nick had pulled up into his driveway to pick him up for the meeting.
Since that night on the beach, AJ had been in total thought mode. He ran everything over and over again in his mind, not able to escape his thoughts. He was trying to put everything behind him and see if that would help, but it hadnt. He knew the guys were there for him, but he only talked about Kayla to Howie. Howie knew the whole story and was the best at making him feel better. He didnt dare mention Kayla in front of Nick. He had heard from Howie that Nick had gone off on Kayla in her hospital room. AJ knew that his leaving had hurt Nick, and could feel that there was a distance between the two of them that had never been there before.
"AJ! AJ, come on man!" Brians yelling brought him from his thoughts. "What do you think?" AJ searched his mind to remember the question, but came up with nothing. Giving them a sly smirk, he answered, "Yellow, five, Quarter pounder with cheese and No." Better to just give them answers to every question. He was answered with a collective groan, and he laughed at their reactions. "AJ, seriously, who do you think should sing lead on this song. Right now, its a fifty-fifty split, Nick or Brian?" He took the paper from Kevin to skim the lyric sheet. As he read the first verse, the words hit him hard.
~~Living, never before today
Words, that were always hard to say
I need you by my side right now
But you seem so far away
How can I hold on to you?
Tell me just what I should do
Cant you see my shattered heart
Come to me, we can start anew
Hold onto me, I can see you there, Ill hold onto you
I'll Hold onto you, girl you know i still care, hold onto me
Hold onto me, I know it seems unfair, Ill hold onto you
Baby hold onto me ~~
AJ continued to stare at the words on the paper. It was more than he could handle. Looking at everybody in the room, he said only one thing before running out of the room. "It's mine. I want to sing this song." As he ran out of the room, he could hear the others talking quietly. He knew they thought he was about to crack, but for the first time in quite awhile, AJ knew exactly what he wanted to do. He had a plan. He sat on the step leading to the building waiting for the guys to finish the meeting. Twenty minutes later, he heard the sounds of the guys walking through the door. As soon as they saw him, they stopped. Ignoring the looks on their faces, he jumped up. "Nick, theres somewhere you need to take me." Following Nick to his truck, AJ was happier than he had been in a long time. He was going to do exactly what that song told him, he was going to do everything he knew how to hold onto his baby.
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