"Im fine mom!" All Kayla wanted was for everybody to leave her alone. She was getting restless in her hospital bed. It had been nearly a month since the accident and the doctors kept promising that she would be able to leave, but they never came through. Empty promises, Kayla thought. Every day was getting to be the same, with her mother always coming in telling her that the doctors said this or the doctors said that. She was always cheerful and hopeful and Kayla felt like she was being suffocated . She enjoyed it when Ryan came to visit her, telling her all about how awesome Kevin was. She laughed at the way her sister's eyes lit up when she talked about him. It was also funny when the guys would come in and visit her, telling her crazy stories and giving her stuffed animals and gifts. "See, these stuffed animals do come in handy, we didnt have to buy you anything." Brian told Kayla, joking about all the gifts from the fans. Of course, she could be completely honest and real when Chel was with her, which was almost all the time. She was the only one who understood what she was going through and knew how Kayla felt. Kayla was glad she had somebody to be able to share her fears and anxietys with. She knew her friend would be there for her no matter what.
Then there was AJ. Kayla smiled thinking about how he had been her savior during the last few weeks. Without him there with her, she knew she would have gone insane. She had rethought her doubts about his love for her and looked forward to seeing him everyday. He was there almost all the time, only leaving for a couple of hours each day to run errands and things like that. AJ had also been the person who gave her the first taste of freedom since she had arrived at the hospital. It was a small freedom, but she had enjoyed every second of it. It had happened two nights ago and she smiled at the memory.
Two nights ago, AJ had showed up in her hospital room like he had every night after he was done with his errands. He walked in and she noticed he was wearing his killer grin on his face. She laughed as he walked up to the bed and stood, looking down at her. "Come on Kayla, lets go." He told her as he began pulling the covers off of the bed. Kayla just stared at him in disbelief. "AJ? What the hell are you doing?" She asked, half joking as she pulled the covers back up over her. Grabbing the covers and pulling them down again, he looked at her and laughed, enjoying his little secret. Kayla watched as he ran to the door and brought a wheelchair into the room, then she began to protest.
"AJ, Im not going anywhere. I dont feel like going anywhere. I really dont..." She was cut off by AJs hand placed over her mouth. "Yes you are. Im not settling for anything less than a yes, so say yes now and get it over with." She saw the stubborn look on his face and knew better to argue with him. "Fine. I'll go, but i dont have to like it." She said with a hint of a smile. Kayla watched as AJ rolled his eyes at her, then brought the wheelchair close to the bed. Kayla had already learned how to get from the bed to the wheelchair by herself, so AJ held it steady for her as she pulled herself into the chair. She tried to avoid the thoughts of this being the only way she would get around for the rest of her life. The thought of never walking or dancing again still chilled her to the bone. She was shaken from her thoughts by the sensation of the room spinning around before her. She realized that AJ was spinning the wheelchair and began begging him to stop. "AJ, please!!", she said between laughter, "Please, stop!" She looked up at AJ and saw that his eyes were sparkling. Its almost like before, she thought.
AJ stopped spinning the wheelchair and was heading towards the door. "So, where are you taking me?" Kayla asked him. All he would say was, "Somewhere special." Knowing that he wouldnt tell her anymore, Kayla decided to watch everything that was going on around her in the hallway. She saw doctors walking around everywhere, looking down at their clipboards. They passed by a waiting room and kayla saw all of the people waiting. She noticed how sad most of them looked and a realization hit her hard. She had almost been killed, she almost died lying in that bed. She closed her eyes, trying to shake the thought. A cool breeze hit her face and Kayla saw that AJ had taken her outside. They went a little further into the yard and stopped. When they did, she looked up at AJ with tears in her eyes.
"AJ, i almost died.", she said not louder than a whisper, but she knew he had heard her. AJ kneeled down to her eye level and Kayla felt his arms surround her. It felt so good being in his arms and for the first time since the accident, she hugged him back. They stayed in each others arms for a while, neither one wanting to let go. When they finally parted, Kayla looked up at the sky and saw the stars shining. "Its beautiful, isnt it?" Kayla turned to look at AJ, who had just echoed his thoughts. Nodding, Kayla only said one thing. "Sing for me." She knew she didnt have to tell him what song. Her eyes followed Aj as he sat down on a bench and brought his eyes to hers. Kayla felt herself get lost in his eyes as he sang.
~~I know its late, I know your weary, I know your plans, dont include me, but still here we are, both of us lonely, longing for shelter from all that we see; why should we worry, no one will care girl, look at the stars, so far away...We've got tonight, who needs tomorrow, we've got tonight baby, why dont you stay?~~
When he was finished, Kayla smiled at him, trying to push back the lump in her throat. "I love you, AJ." She hadnt said it since before the accident and it felt so good to say it again. What she didnt know was how much he needed to hear her say that. She was amazed when she saw the tears in his eyes as he told her, "I love you too baby. Always and Forever."
That night was still fresh in her mind, but for some reason, she couldnt feel the feelings she had felt that night. The love and happiness of that moment was once again lost to her. All Kayla wanted was to get out of the hospital, and it made her angry how everybody could be so happy around her while they gave her empty promises and lies. She never let on that she was unhappy though, she had gotten good at hiding her feelings from everybody. She knew nobody would understand anyway, except for Chel. She also refused to cry in front of anybody, because she didnt want anybody's pity. Resting her head against the pillow, she knew that all she was doing was feeling sorry for herself, but she didnt care.
Kayla lifted her head from the pillow and realized that she had fallen asleep. She looked over and saw Aj sitting in the chair by the bed. She watched him for a few minutes as she realized something. Im holding him back, she thought. She thought of how they had planned out their future together and knew now that it could never happen they way they had wanted it to. She was fully awake now and her mind was racing. As soon as he woke up, kayla knew what she had to do. She also knew it would be the hardest thing she had ever done.
She watched him sleep as she waited for him to wake up. His hair was actually, unusually, a normal brown color and his features were softened by sleep. She looked at his eyes, and even though they were closed, she could still feel their intensity. She moved her gaze down to his lips and she could feel his soft kisses on her lips. She saw him stir a little bit, then open his eyes. "Hey baby. Checking me out huh?" Not laughing at his joke, Kayla sighed then began talking.
"AJ, i was thinking while you were asleep. First, dont say anything until im finished, i need to get this all out. You need to stop coming here everyday. I realize now that we cant be together and have the future we wanted. AJ, I do love you, but im holding you back. Im telling you this because i love you, and i dont want to hurt you or myself anymore. We need to end this." She watched as AJ just stood staring at her, not believing what he was hearing. He began to speak, protesting. "Baby, Im not leaving. You're my girl. I love you and we are not ending this. I wont leave you, not now, not ever. I dont understand..."
Kayla knew he would protest, but she was ready. She would do whatever it took to make him understand. She wanted it over, the longer she was around him, the more she felt hurt. Softly she told him, "AJ, please leave, make it easier on both of us. Theres nothing left for you here." Avoiding his eyes, she pointed at her heart when she said that. It was a lie, she loved him with all of her heart, but she hoped she was convincing enough to make him see that he was better off without her. "Kayla, why are you doing this? You know im not gonna leave you." She could hear the pain in his voice and it was breaking her heart. There was only one other way to make him understand. "AJ, i want you to leave." She heard AJs voice, which was laced with confusion, pain and defiance. "Kayla, Baby NO. I wont leave."
"AJ, Get the Hell Out of my room, NOW!! If you dont I will have somebody come and remove you. Dont bother to come back, you wont be allowed in." As soon as she said the words, she wanted to take them back. She caught the look on Ajs face, and could only describe it as somebody who looked like he had been slapped. The color was drained completely out of his face and there were tears in his eyes. She had to turn away quickly, for her own tears spilled out onto her face. She knew he was still standing there watching her, then she heard him whisper, "Kayla please." She heard the desperation in his voice, but refused to back down. It was better for him to get on with his life. She listened as she heard his footsteps echo down the hallway. She looked out the window and at that moment in time, Kayla felt more alone then she had ever felt in her life.
As he walked down the hall, AJ had a million emotions running through his head. He had never seen Kayla like that before, it scared him in a way. He knew that she was going through a rough time and never pretended to know exactly what she was going through. He just stayed by her side, to be her support. After the other night, he thought things were ok between them. She had told him that she loved him. Kayla's words echoed through his head. "Im holding you back." Then he thought of what Kaylas mother had told him, that she pushes everybody away.
AJ looked around and saw that he was in front of the waiting room door. He saw Kayla's mother giving him a questioning look, but he just shook his head and walked to the exit. He got into his truck and knowing all he wanted to do was get away, pulled out of the parking lot, barely missing a car coming into the hospital. He hit play on his car stereo and drew in a deep breath when he heard Kevins words coming through the speakers. He felt each one like a knife stabbing him in his heart.
~~Baby, i know your hurting, right now, you feel like you could never love again, now all i ask is for a chance, to prove that i love you.~~
He continued to listen as he heard his own voice.
~~From the first day, that i saw your smiling face, honey i knew that we would be together forever~~
Before, this had just been another song that he had sung, but for the first time, AJ felt each word and understood exactly what they meant.
Hitting repeat, he continued to drive, listening to the words of the song over and over again, until they were an echo in his brain. He had no idea where he was going, but he knew he wanted to be alone. Almost instinctively, he reached into the glove compartment and grabbed a cigarette from the pack. he didnt actually like smoking, but it seemed to be the only thing that could calm him down. As he took a long drag off the cigarette, he looked out the window and parked the car.
Now i know why Nick loves this so much, he thought as he walked along the waters edge. The blue-green water seemed to stretch out for miles and the beach was empty, except for a few seagulls flying high above his head. Aj watched the seagulls for a few minutes, then looked back out at the ocean. Sitiing down on the sand, he began to think about everything that had happened. Over an hour later, he was no closer to answers. he sat on the beach surrounded by almost a packs worth of cigarette butts. As he watched the sun go down, he knew that although he needed time to himself, he wasnt going to give up on Kayla.
Over the next week, AJ attempted to get in to see Kayla, but each time was denied by hospital personnel, telling him that she was sleeping or some other lie. He knew that she needed time but was beginning to question how much time he could give her. Everytime he wasnt allowed to see her, it would break his heart a little bit more, until the end of the week, his brokenheartedness was turning into bitterness and anger. The rest of the guys were concerned about him, they knew how moody he could get when he was like this. He assured the guys that he would be ok. he also decided that he needed to get away from everybody for a while. A little over a week after Kayla had broken up with him, Aj wrote a note to the fellas.
Well after midnight, AJ first went to the hospital. As he had been told all week, the nurse said that Kayla was sleeping and couldnt have visitors. "Tell her i love her.", was all he said as he walked away. Back in his car, he drove the familiar drive to Nick's house and, seeing the lights off, he quickly walked up to the door and slid the note under it. Without looking back, he got in the truck and sped away.
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