Enrique Iglesias
If The World Crashes Down
You make me strong
You make me weak
You lift me off my feet
You give me hope
When all my dreams
Seem like they're out of reach
You make me understand
The way the perfect love should be
You take me to a place
So high
I never wanna leave
Sometimes I think of all the things
I should have said
I hope it's not too late
I wanna make you understand
If the world crashes down over me
I know that my life is complete
Cause I've held you
In my arms all night
Cause I can't imagine life
Without you by my side
You whisper in my ear the words:
"Just hold me close tonight"
And when the pain is holding me
Your love just sets me free

Simple Plan
I'd Do Anything
Another day is going by
I'm thinking about you all the time
But you're out there
And I'm here waiting
And I wrote this letter in my head
'Cuz so many things were left unsaid
but now you're gone
And I can't think straight
This could be the one last chance
To make you understand
I'd do anything
Just to hold you in my arms
To try to make you laugh
Somehow I can't put you in the past
I'd do anything
Just to fall asleep with you
Will you remember me?
'Cuz I know I won't forget you
Together we broke all the rules
Dreaming of droping out of school
And leave this place
to never come back
So now maybe after all these years
If you miss me have no fear
I'll be here
I'll be waiting
This could be the one last chance to make you understand
And I just can't let you leave me once again
I close my eyes
And all I see is you
I close my eyes
I try to sleep I can't forget you
nanana (...)
And I'd do anything for you
I'd do anything
To fall asleep with you
I'd do anything
There's nothing I won't do
I'd do anything
To fall asleep with you
I'd do anything
'Cuz I know I won't forget you

York didn�t look very happy. I don�t really have to wonder what�s wrong, because I know as well as the rest of the locker room. Mike Comrie left the game and didn�t come back. York seemed to be having the worst time with it. He stood next to his locker, taking long glances at Mike�s across the room. He ran his hand up his face, rubbing that spot on his head. I always saw him doing that.

Simple Minds
Dont You Forget About Me
Won't you come see about me I'll be alone, dancing --- you know it will be me
Tell me your troubles and doubts
Giving me everything inside and out
Love's strange --- so real in the dark
Think of the tender things
That we were working on
Slow change may pull us apart
When the light gets into your heart,
Baby Don't you forget about me
Don't, don't, don't, don't
Don't you forget about me
Will you stand above me
Look my way, never love me
Rain keeps falling
Rain keeps falling
Down, down, down
Will you recognize me
Call my name
Gonna walk on fire
Rain keeps falling
Rain keeps falling
Down, down, down
Don't you try and pretend
It's my beginning
We'll win in the end
I won't harm you
Or touch your defences
Vanity, insecurity
Don't you forget about me
I'll be alone, dancing --- you know it,
Baby Going to take you apart
I'll build us back together a heart,
Baby Don't you forget about me
Don't, don't, don't, don't
Don't you forget about me
As you walk on by
Will you call my name
As you walk on by
Will you call my name
When you walk away
Oh, will you walk away
Will walk away
Oh, call my name
Will you call my name

I opened the door to our apartment, and let Mike inside. He�d sat quietly the entire ride home from the hospital, taking in the city from the back seat. I had sat up front with Janne, trying to make sense of the information that had been handed to me. I�d been handed a blank check and I had no idea how to make the numbers appear.

Default
"Wasting My Time"
Well I don't want to see you waiting
I've already gone too far away
I still can't keep the day from ending
No more messed up reasons for me to stay
Well this is not for real
Afraid to feel
I just hit the floor
Don't ask for more
I'm wasting my time
I'm wasting my time
You can't stop the feeling
And there's no reason
Let's make the call
And take it all again
Woah again
Months went by with us pretending
When did our light turn from green to red
I took a chance and left you standing
Lost the will to do this once again
Well this is not for real
Afraid to feel
I just hit the floor
Don't ask for more
I'm wasting my time
I'm wasting my time
You can't stop the feeling
And there's no reason
Let's make the call
And take it all
I'm wasting my time
I'm wasting my time again
Woah again
See you waiting
Lonesome, lonely
See you waiting
I see you waiting
Well this is not for real
Afraid to feel
I just hit the floor
Don't ask for more
I'm wasting my time
I'm wasting my time
You can't stop the feeling
And there's no reason
Let's make the call
And take it all
I'm wasting my time
I'm wasting...

When I picked up the two Mikes, they both sat in the back seat of my car. Comrie smiled lightly at me when Mike introduced me, again. It was strange to look at Comrie, and not recognize him. I didn�t recognize him. I half expected him to start joking around with me, or tease me about my hair color again. But he just sat in the back, staring at Mike.

Mike looked tired. He looked tired, but he looked at Comrie with forced patience. I wondered what had happened in between the time I dropped them off last night, and the time I picked them up this morning.

"Continue, please?" He asked. They must have been talking before I got here.

Mike smirked. "What else do you want to know?"

"How did we first meet?" He asked.

I focused on the road, and could only glance in the rearview mirror. Mike smiled graciously, and seemed to look at me for help.

"I really don�t think Janne wants to hear about that." He chuckled, catching my eye in the mirror. He look slightly uncomfortable, but I was curious. Curious and jealous.

"No, go on. I�ve never heard this story before." I grinned.

"Fine." He sighed. He turned to Mike. "We played hockey for rival colleges in Michigan. We played each other often enough, but Shawn Horcoff introduced us. You met Shawn last night, he was at the hospital."

"Tall, dark hair. Funny nose." Comrie replied.

Mike laughed. "Yeah, that�s him. He introduced us, and we started hanging out together. First with others, than gradually by our selves. I thought you were so gorgeous; your eyes, your hair. The way you talked, and the way you moved. I was glad to be your friend." He paused. "I didn�t realize our dinners after games and movies on days off were dates."

"They were dates, though?" Comrie asked. He was mildly blunt, not getting around the issue. Hmm. It was strange to hear him be so forward.

I saw York blush in the mirror. "You told me afterwards they were. It was your first real relationship too. A real one with love."

"Our first kiss, what was it like?" That innocent sweetness in his voice was irresistible. Did he really not remember?

"We were skating. I had invited you skating one night. We skated around this little pond in a park in the middle of winter. For almost an hour we skated, racing each other in circles. You took my hand, and pulled me close. It just felt right to kiss you." Mike looked distantly out the window, and I nearly swerved into the other lane watching him.

Comrie sighed. "I�m sorry I can�t remember that."

Mike turned back, shaking his head. "It�s okay. You can�t help it." He sounded like he was trying to convince himself. "Any other questions?"

"Not right now." Comrie had questions, I could tell, but he seemed to notice how uncomfortable it was making Mike.

Or maybe they just realized I was sitting there.

It�s hard to imagine anything like this could ever happen. Especially to them. I remember how miserable my Mike was before they got back together. I hardly even knew him, and I knew he was miserable. I had started loving him during that misery. I�m ashamed to admit that I hoped their relationship wouldn�t work.

I parked the car not far from the door. I lingered behind them as we walked, watching Mike take in the seemingly unfamiliar surroundings. Perhaps it was too soon for him to be here, but I remembered what the doctor had said last night. Even mathematicians, in certain situations, can do the same complex calculations as they did before the injury. Even though there is a vast difference between math and hockey, I think the same thing applies. That�s what we�re all counting on, though.

Everyone knew, of course, when we got to the locker room. I stepped in a few seconds delayed, so I missed the reintroduction. Judging from the strange looks, most were skeptical of the situation.

Craig called them both out of the room as I sat down. They�d taken Mike�s stick, skates, and gloves. I couldn�t ponder that long.

"What if it is like that movie, Momento? And his short term memory is destroyed?" Jochen Hecht said. Partially to me, and partially to Ethan Moreau.

Ethan rolled his eyes. "First off, Jochen, that was a movie."

"But I�m sure it can happen. Look at that Free Willy movie. That really happened. It is possible, I�m sure. And that guy from that movie had a lot of problems. He couldn�t remember who he killed, and wrote on himself. What if he thinks we killed some one, and he kills us?"

Ethan gave Jochen a puzzled look. "Did you just mention Free Willy?"

"Yes." Jochen pursed his lips. "And there is nothing wrong with it. That guy from Momento ended up killing his friend and�"

"Shut up, I haven�t seen that yet." Todd Marchant passed us by, and cupped his ears.

I sighed, glad for the interruption. "It�s not like the movie. He needs our help, and not our speculation."

Jochen frowned at the dismissal of his theory. "Where did they go, anyhow?"

I lifted my head, as Jason fielded his question. "To take shots on Tommy. To test Mikey, and see if he can remember."

Not changed, I left the room. Mike was sitting on the bench, watching Comrie skate around the ice. Just like walking, skating came back to him. Mike heard me, and gave me a short look over his shoulder. He sighed, looking back over the ice.

"You look so calm." I said.

He laughed, sarcastically. "I don�t feel very calm."

I sat next to him, and frowned. "How was he last night? After I left?"

Mike took a very deep breath. "He went to bed and he slept. He didn�t start asking me questions until this morning." He paused, closing his eyes painfully. "I hurts so much, Janne, I don�t know what I�m supposed to do. I�m trying to do my best, but he�s so different." He chuckled again, running his hand through his hair. "It�s like talking to a stranger wearing his face."

"I wish I could help you." I sincerely replied, putting my hand on his shoulder. "I�m sure your doing your best."

He looked at my hand, than at me, and smiled. "I wish I knew what I was doing, though."

"No one knows." I said, turning back towards the ice. "He looks okay."

"He�s not okay, that�s the thing. He knows I love him, but he can�t return it." Mike scoffed. "He looked at me like it was some joke when I told him we were lovers. I can�t answer those questions on my own. And I don�t know if he�ll ever be back."

"We just have to be patient, I guess. Patience isn�t what you want to hear, I know, but it�s what you have to deal with." I squeezed his shoulder as I stood. "If you need anything, just ask. Okay?�

He nodded, slowly turning back to the ice.

I stood for a moment, watching Mike skate. Craig stood at center ice, and fed him a pass. Instincts kicked in, and he took the pass on a break away. His fluid motions carried him towards the net, as he faked the shot, then fired it past Tommy.

York jumped to his feet and grinned, but he didn�t say anything. He glanced over at me and smiled, leaning against the boards. His quirky smile nearly made my knees weak. He was so good at masking his emotions with me, it was hard to know what he was really thinking. I watched as Comrie travelled across the ice, to stand next to Craig.

"Funny how you can remember to do that, but can�t remember my name." Tommy pulled off his mask and said.

Cormie smirked. "I�m not sure how I did that."

"It�s muscle memory." Craig fielded. "Just like walking and talking. Your body remembers, even when you don�t."

Comrie turned his stick over in his hand, his smile fading into confusion. "I don�t understand."

Craig smiled lightly. "You will understand, don�t worry. We�re not trying to rush you." He suddenly spotted us and shouted out orders for us to get ready for practice. Mike lingered, not ready to leave yet. They weren�t going to let him practice, because they still weren�t sure how the injury would present itself.

Turning back to Comrie, Craig directed him over to the bench. "Take a walk around here. See if anything looks familiar."

"What if I get lost?" Pursing his lips, Comrie frowned. He stepped off the ice, and stood not far from us.

"You wont get lost." Craig reassured.

Shrugging, Comrie turned. "I�m already lost." He mumbled, sadly, to himself.

Mike watched him. He quickly moved to talk to Craig. "Can I go with him?"

"You�ve got fifteen minutes." Craig shook his head. "Try something. We�re on good pace, and without him we�re going to lose it. Get him back for us."

York�s eyes seemed to widen for a brief second, like he had been handed a daunting task he could never complete. But it washed away as he nodded, and hurried after Mike.

Craig looked at me for a brief second. "Is he worried?"

They�d already disappeared down the hallway. I raised my eyebrows. "He doesn�t think he can do it."

"It seems easy looking in from the outside, I guess." Craig dropped his eyes for a second. "Better hustle, Janne."

I nodded, and quickly went to our dressing room. I stopped outside our doors to see where they�d went. The two of them had wandered off, standing across the concourse not far away. Comrie�s face flushed with mixed frustration. York�s eyes were compassionate as he listened, but his shoulders told a different story. They looked slumped in defeat.

I hope he�s not giving up. I haven�t given up on him.

Evan and Jaron
Close My Eyes

looking over the edge
I can almost see you smile
but I can't be too sure
looking to the light
I can almost hear you call
but I can't be too sure
please don't leave me here alone
it's getting dark
please take me home
what else can I say
to make you look my way
I've tried to do the things you've said
it's not working
is it all in my head
I want to close my eyes
and count to ten
and when I open them
I want to be somewhere else
I just don't see the things
other people seem to see
reaching out to touch you
a name without a face
but I don't really understand
I ask to you these questions
for you I do recall
after it all
please don't leave me here alone
it's getting dark
please take me home
I've tried to do the things you've said
it's not working
is it all in my head

~Comrie's POV~

Michael had followed me off the ice. I heard him, and I knew I wasn�t alone. I turned to face him, shifting my weight on my skates. He looked shorter than me now, because of the skates. The skates hugged my feet uncomfortably. I hated the foreign feeling.

I�d picked up the guards to my skates, so I dipped my head to pull them on. He didn�t move, until I looked up again. He directed me to the wall next to the large gold doors that we�d passed through to get to the rink. I leaned against the wall, as he stood next to me.

"What�s wrong?" He asked. I knew what was wrong, and he knew that was a stupid question.

I chewed on my bottom lip, finding an answer. "Everyone�s looking at me like I�m from another planet. I feel like I�m from another planet. Nothing is familiar, no matter how I try."

"What?" He blinked. "You were barely in that room for ten minutes. Those guys in there care about you. Don�t go thinking that they�re judging you, or anything." His hands were shaking. One of them traveled up to rub his temple. He was always doing that. "You did great on the ice."

I sighed, studying him. "I just moved. I didn�t know what I was doing. It felt strange."

"Strange?" He asked. His eyes fixed on me, watching my expression. He was always looking at me, expecting a familiar response. How could I respond to that? I hardly knew him, yet I was attracted to him. I hardly knew myself, and I knew that there was something there. I wish I would�ve felt that when he hugged me. I didn�t know what I was feeling then.

I closed me eyes for a moment, then I gave a low reply. "I keep seeing faces, and hearing voices in my head." I opened my eyes, and looked at him, pleadingly. "Make them go away."

His face fell. I knew I could trust him, and that I had to. He opened his arms, and I stepped into them. It felt safe there, and all the ghost memories in my head slithered away. It was hard to be always searching for myself, when I had myself. I had myself, but everyone wanted some one else.

I sighed, and pulled away, leaving my hands on his chest. "How do I know who to trust?"

He half smiled, meeting my eyes. "Trust who you want to trust, I guess. I�d like you to think you can trust me."

I smirked. "I can trust you."

The smile that spread across his face told me I�d given the right response. His eyes swept across my face, then down to my skates. "What me to untie those?"

I nodded, and he knelt down to untie the laced up skates. I watched as his fingers pulled the laces loose. He was attractive, even when his body language made him look defeated. He was handsome. Not baby-faced like me. I�d resolved to call him Michael, even though everyone else called him Mike. He wasn�t Mike; I was Mike. At least, that�s what everyone�s been telling me.

His hair fell out of place, and he pushed it behind his ears. His hair wasn�t like mine. Mine fell into place perfectly, while his spiked wildly. After his shower this morning, it had stuck to his forehead in wet strands. That wasn�t the only thing I remembered about his shower this morning that�s been rolling around in my head.

He slipped the skates off my feet, and stood. He grinned. "There you go."

"Thank you." I looked from my socks, back to his eyes. We were so close, a breath away, and he looked frozen. He seemed distant and afraid of me. I didn�t want that. I brought up my hand, and stroked the back of his neck. He seemed to lose himself in the touch.

"Stop." He mumbled.

"Why?" I asked, mischievously.

"You�you hardly even know me." He swallowed, focusing on my face. He was waiting for something. Maybe for me to get mad. I wasn�t.

I trailed my fingers up and down his neck, and smiled. "You like it, though. Why are you telling me to stop?"

"Are you doing it because I like it, or because you want to?" He replied.

"You know, I can think for myself." I kissed him on the cheek, and let my hand travel down his back to rest on his hip. "Right now, you�re the only thing I know. I look at you, and I feel safe. Everything else, I�m so unsure of."

Michael finally found his voice. "How can you be sure of anything?"

I smiled. "You�d better get to practice. Everyone else is already out there." I�d seen them pass by, and seen their looks. They seemed to regard me with mixed patience and confusion. I must be very important to them.

He nodded, stepping away from me. There was so much I didn�t know about him, and about myself, that he knows the answers to. But he�s distancing himself from me. I wont know, and I�m starting to think that I don�t want to.

Michael disappeared through the golden doors, and into the locker room. He was the only thing I knew.

Besides the fact that I didn�t have any shoes.

I left my skates with my gloves and stick, and grabbed my shoes. The way he talked about our past, it seemed like he wanted that back. He wanted it back so badly that he was just going to ignore who I was. But who am I?

I�m Mike Comrie. It�s just a name, that seems to have come with a lot of responsibilities.

I walked across the large concourse of the main lower floor. I passed by people who must�ve known me. They gave me friendly looks, which I tried to return. Why was I so important?

There were stairs, and I took them to another level. This building seemed endlessly huge. There were Oiler symbols everywhere, advertising everything from credit cards to baby jumpers. This team had history, Michael had told me. They�d won the Stanley Cup five times. He sounded very proud of that fact, so that must be very important to him and to everyone else.

I passed by the reflective tiling on a wall, and had to stop. Dark hair, dark eyes, and a pug nose. Was this really me? What did everyone think of me? Was I a good person? Michael hadn�t told me much about my family. My father and brother were out of the country on business. I had step brothers and a step mother. Where was my mother?

Moving away from the tiles, I turned towards the large white ice surface below me. The sea of blue and colored seats surrounded the rink. Everyone looked so small and far away. That�s how they were to me. I didn�t know anything about them, except there names. They were hollow people, like a card. An hockey card.

I looked at the ceiling, at the rows of banners that decorated the rafters. Three different banners hung with them, bearing numbers and names. The number 99 caught my eye. Why was that important?

I grabbed at my forehead, trying to force the memories to come. It was important. I knew it had to be. The doctor said I needed a trigger. I had to make this a trigger. I had to get Michael to love me again.

Nothing. I sighed, and slumped against the wall.

Might as well go down to the ice and watch them. I could be closer to Michael, and see if he would look at me.

I found my way back down the stairs, and back to the ice. It wasn�t hard. The new memories I was making were sticking. I had to build a life in a day. It was all right here, in my hands, I just had to make sense of it.

I wandered out to the bench and sat down. Some speculative eyes turned to notice me, and I forced a smile. A tall, dark haired, man threaded through the crowd towards me. What was his name? Eric. Eric with the almond shaped eyes.

"Hi." He smiled, leaning against the boards.

I smirked. "Hi."

He swayed, tensely. "How are you feeling? I never got to talk to you. Mike�s kept away from me, and hasn�t said much of anything."

"I feel fine. Everything is going a little too fast though." I snorted, smirking. "Beat�s me if I�ll ever catch up."

He took off one of his gloves, and reached out to touch me face. His hand stroked down my cheek, like I was some fragile visage that just might disappear. I couldn�t move, because I didn�t know what the touch meant.

Eric smiled as his hand fell away. "I gave you up a long time ago, but I don�t think Mike will give you up."

"Thank you." I answered, sincerely despite my confusion. It was getting easier to mask it.

He skated away, and went back into the fray. I kept my eyes on him for a while, but gradually I went back to watching Michael. He skated purposely, like he was trying to forget about his situation. Our situation.

They were working on a contact drill. I watched with mild interest. Was this game really that important? They worked with such focus and determination. Was this all worth it?

The puck skidded around the boards, and Michael followed it into the corner.

Something flashed across my memory. It was dark. A face. A face I didn�t know was standing over me. What had I done? Why was he hurting me? Who was it? My heart quickened, and I grabbed at me head. I forced myself to focus on the play with a deep breath.

Mike was knocked off balance and he fell onto the ice, near the boards.

He fell onto me after being hit with the stick across his head. He looked dead in my arms�.

I screamed.

Our Lady Peace
In Repair

Well it's good to know that you'll be okay
I've been waiting for this
And I'll be there to si
t While you pray no one's blaming me
I'm not supposed to wait
When they open up your heart...
I have been good
I understood
Like a machine they'll fix you from the start
I'm in repair
The life that we share
I know that I'll be lost in
But we're always in repair
Lock the door, lock the door
And it's good to know that you'll drive away
From this car crash nightmare
And I'll be there to help you again
There's no danger
We're just killing time again
When they order up new parts
I have been good
I understood
Like a machine they'll fix you from the start
I'm in repair
The life that we share
I know that I'll be lost in
But we're always in repair
Take this time to figure it out
Know the wire, the fuse, the things that you doubt
The wheels, the air, the metal, the mouth
Something, something, something
I have been good
I understood
Like a machine they'll fix you from the start
I'm in repair
The life that we share
I know that I'll be lost in
But we're always in repair
Take this time to figure it out
The wire, the fuse, the things that you doubt
The wheels, the air, the metal, the mouth
Something, something, something.

~York's POV~

"Stop! Get away! No!"

Everyone thought it was me who was screaming. I�d just been bumped by the check , and caught an edge, but they must�ve thought I�d fallen awkwardly and hurt myself. But I hadn�t. And I knew who was screaming before they did.

I scrambled to my feet, throwing away my gloves and stick. I saw Mike on the bench, and moved without thinking to get there. I pushed past the few people in my way to get across the ice and to him.

Eric had climbed over the boards to get to him, but Mike wasn�t about to listen to him. He swung at Eric, glaring.

"Get away!" He shouted. "Stop it! Stop hurting him! Go away!"

Eric looked helpless me at me. Part of me was lapping up that helpless look, but the other part felt some sorrow towards him. He couldn�t do what I could.

I shot over the boards with one boost of my hand. "Mike, it�s okay. We�re here to help." I reached out trying to soothe him with my voice. I can�t see how anyone would be calmed by my grating voice, but he blinked out of whatever was happening to him. I ended up kneeling on the bench, with him standing behind it pinned against the glass.

His bottom lip quivered, and he stepped into my arms. I pulled him against me and he shuddered. I felt his pulse rapidly beating beneath my hands, and his breathing steadied slowly. I heard him breathing and felt his heart, and that was my world for a moment.

I heard Eric clear his throat, then realized everyone was still staring at us. The few scattered reporters watching us in the seats had moved very quickly to get closer. There were a number of distant shutter snaps, and I knew we were in trouble.

"York, Brewer, get him out of here." I heard Craig�s voice calmly direct us. "I�ll be there in ten minutes."

I nodded, giving Eric a short look to the side. I saw a hint of satisfaction in his eyes as he stepped over to help me. Mike had slumped his weight against me, and I had to maneuver myself without letting him fall. He quietly let us direct him off the ice and down the hallway again. The reporters, the vultures they are, coughed a few questions at us as we passed them. We ignored them and kept walking.

I sat Mike down on the bench in the dressing room, and knelt next to him. "Mike? What happened?"

"I�I�" He gasped, grabbing at my hand. He squeezed it tightly, staring at our intertwined fingers. "He was beating you. You stopped him. You saved me." He looked breathless, but kept going. "I saw him hit you, and felt him hit me. I keep seeing his face. Who was he? Why was he doing that, Michael?"

Eric had sat next to Mike, and gave me an intrigued look. But he kept his mouth shut and let me speak. He was one of the last people I wanted there, and I couldn�t send him away. He knew the story that he was supposed to know.

"We were attacked, last year. Outside of your old apartment. We don�t know who did it, but we were hospitalized for a while. It wasn�t serious, but we were out for a few weeks. He broke your arm and a rib, and gave me a concussion." I paused. "I don�t remember much of what happened."

Mike shook his head. "I remember him, though. I remember him�" His brown eyes suddenly melted with shock. "He�d hurt me before that." He squeezed his eyes shut, then opened them to focus on me. He had a way of telling that I had all the answers.

"What�s he talking about, York?" Eric asked, his eyes narrowing. He had the decency to look confused. No one knew. No one could know.

But Mike�s eyes, the brown one�s that pledged their trust to me, begged to hear my answer. How could I let him down?

"I think you already know, Eric." I finally sighed. The idea took a few seconds to sink in, but when it did I knew I�d dropped a bombshell.

"Holy fuck!" He jumped to his feet, and pointed wildly at me, unsure what to do with his hands. "It was Doug! Holy shit�"

I stood, pulling my hand from Mike�s grip. "Eric, shut up. Be quiet!"

He shook his head, looking shocked that I would keep that information quiet. Couldn�t he understand? "Why did you say you didn�t know? You did know!" He poked me with a finger, jabbing at my chest through the equipment. "You let it happen. He�s not safe with you."

"Eric," I hissed, clenching my fists, "We tell everyone that Doug attacked us, and he�ll bring everything else out. He goes down, and we�re going with him, remember? His career will be over, and so will ours. It doesn�t matter that he attacked us, what matters is we�re gay. Just because one team, or a few teams, can deal with homosexuals doesn�t mean the league, or the public can. Okay?"

He closed his mouth. He ground his teeth and dipped his head in submission. I�d pulled the trump card.

I turned back to Mike. He�d been watching Eric and I, seeming forgotten. Sitting next to him, I slipped my arm around his waist. I had the sudden urge to be possessive.

He quietly put his head on my shoulder, still watching Eric. I�d seen the way Eric had greeted Mike on the bench. As much as I trusted Mike, he wasn�t himself. He had no clue about his past with Eric. If he was attracted to me on instinct, would the same work with Eric? I shifted Mike closer to me, protectively.

Eric was still looming next to us when Craig walked in. He glanced over his shoulder and cursed at something behind him as he walked in. His eyes were sharp as he gave us a quick once over.

"Eric, get back out there. Charlie�s running practice." He took out his gum, and rolled it into a piece of paper. The way he threw it in the trash can made me nervous. His slow movements made me realize that he had something difficult to say, and my hand tightened around Mike.

His eyes lingering on Mike, Eric nodded and drifted out of the room.

Craig folded his arms and gave us a sympathetic look. "This�ll be in every paper tomorrow. And that�s not good. We told them you had a concussion, but that�s not good enough now. We never downplayed the entire situation with the attack, but every sport writer knows that that was the main reason we didn�t make the playoffs." He swallowed, choosing his words cautiously. "We don�t need that to happen again."

Mike shifted, sitting up. "Why would it?"

"You can play, Mike, there�s no doubting that. But, it�s too unpredictable to put you out there." He looked at me. "This can�t happen during a game. Something triggers it, and we don�t know what would. To put it simply, the only way to stop it, is to fix it."

I frowned. "It�s not like we haven�t been trying."

"I know, and maybe it was too soon to push anything." He shifted, uneasily. "How are you feeling, Mike? Better?"

Mike nodded, slowly. "How would you fix this?" He sounded interested, like he wanted to climb out of that hole he�d fallen into. At times, it seemed like he was comfortable in the dark. Other times he was frustrated. Maybe he was just pretending to be comfortable, and I hoped it was that way.

"There�s a cabin two hours out of the city. We�ve got a rental car ready, and you can leave tomorrow. We isolate the two of you, and maybe things will click. Some theory the doctors have. Something I don�t understand. They hope it will work, but there is no guarantee" He pursed his lips. "The only problem is, it would only be a week."

The idea didn�t seem bad, but it wasn�t exactly good either. It made me feel unsettled. Like they were looking for a quick fix. A quick fix that would put every inch of pressure on me and Mike.

"What happens when the week is up?" I asked.

Craig could only shrug. "I don�t know."

Mike had been staring at the ceiling, studying the tiles, but spoke up abruptly. "We should try it." He tipped his head down, leveling his eyes with Craig. "I think it�s worth a try."

"We�d hoped you would." Our coach took a quick look at his watch. "We�ll finalize things later. You can stay here, York, and find out what�s on his mind."

He left, and I sat there thinking how that job seemed insurmountable. I probably sat there, obviously spaced out, until Mike reached out to touch the side of my head. He sighed, watching my reaction. I followed his hand out of the corner of my eyes.

"You�re always touching this spot. I noticed it." His hand traveled down my face, reaching the corner of my mouth. "We both have a lot of scars."

"We do." I said. "And they start hurting at the strangest of times."

He toyed with my hair, frowning. "I want to know what happened. If I can�t remember it, it doesn�t just go away. When Eric was here, you moved closer to me. Why was that?"

"Before I was trade here, you and Eric had a relationship. He cared deeply for you, and still does." I snorted. "I don�t like him much, but if he wants to help, he can. Did he say anything to you?"

He blinked, sorting his thoughts. "He told me he didn�t think you�d give up on me."

I smirked. "I�m glad he thinks that. I just hope he can keep his mouth shut."

I was waiting for the next question, and I had been for quite a while. Mike�s mouth formed the words that I�d been dreading so innocently, that it was hard to hide my aversion. "Tell me what Doug did. Tell me everything, because you know more than you�re admitting to."

The knot turned in my stomach, but I found my voice. "It�s not an easy story."

He managed a short laugh. "Nothing is easy."

"Let me change, then we can talk." I waved off his response that I was just delaying the inevitable. "It will give me time to think, okay?"

He nodded.

I stood and pulled off my jersey. I guess the truth will have to do.

Alanis Morisette
Precious Illusions
you'll rescue me right?
in the exact same way they never did..
I'll be happy right?
when your healing powers kick in
you'll complete me right?
then my life can finally begin
I'll be worthy right?
only when you realize the gem I am?
but this won't work now the way it once did
and I won't keep it up even though I would love to
once I know who I'm not
then I'll know who I am
but I know I won't keep on playing the victim
these precious illusions in my head
did not let me down when I was defenseless
and parting with them
is like parting with invisible best friends
this ring will me yet
as will you knight in shining armor
this pill will help me yet
as will these boys gone through like water
but this won't work as well as the way it once did
cuz I want to decide between survival and bliss
and though I know who I'm not
I still don't know who I am
but I know I won't keep on playing the victim
these precious illusions in my head
did not let me down when I was a kid
and parting with them is like parting with a childhood best friend
I've spent so long firmly looking outside me
I've spent so much time
living in survival mode

~Niinimaa's POV~

The two of them never came back from the dressing room. Eric came back with an almost smug look on his face. I had to ponder that look. It could mean a number of things. Eric and I were defensive partners on the power play, so when I caught some time with him, I asked.

We were standing off to the side, waiting our turn to join the drill. "Eric?" He turned towards me, out of his focused stare at the ice. "What was wrong with him?"

Eric�s face hardened. "Besides the obvious?" The shot stung, but I let him continue. "When York fell down in the corner, it made Mike�s mind bring up the memory of the attack. A trigger, or something. What did everyone say after we left?"

I frowned, shrugging. "They were worried. Ryan and Todd thought that that was what it was about." I snorted, smirking. "Jochen thought that his brain was melting. At least I think that�s what he said."

Eric quirked one corner of his mouth. "Well, that�s Jochen. You think a guy looks normal, but then you find out he�s German�" He trailed off, sighing. "I don�t think York can do it, Janne."

"Do what?" I asked. I knew very well that Eric had problems with Mike. There was always an underlying rivalry between them when it came to Comrie. Neither of them wanted to admit defeat. No matter what Eric said, he still had feelings for Comrie.

"Bring back Mikey." He looked at me with raised eyebrows. "Do you think he can do it? I know you�re his friend, and I�m just the guy he keeps around in case he needs something, so you�d know better than me."

"He can do whatever he puts his mind to." I replied, easily.

Eric nodded, then narrowed his eyes. "You like him, don�t you?"

I bit the inside of my cheek, giving him a wide eyed look of accusation. "Why are you saying that?" Why else would Eric be saying that? I�ve got my own hopeless seeds in my heads, and I don�t need him planting anything else there.

"Because you do." His satisfied smirk made me grind my teeth in anger. "Don�t look so nervous, man. I doubt he can see the puck some nights he�s so full of himself and Mike." He toyed with the tape on his stick, trying to get some reaction out of me. I suppose I disappointed him when I didn�t do anything but stare away. "This could be your chance, you know."

I saw Craig come back out onto the ice, and pushed past Eric. "Let�s go, Craig is back."

Eric didn�t speak to me for the rest of the practice, and avoided me afterwards. We had a game tomorrow afternoon, and the early practice today would give us time to rest. I hadn�t planned on doing anything on my afternoon off, excepted possibly brooding and figuring out what Eric was trying to pull.

I hadn�t expected to see Mike standing next to my car in the parking lot.

He smiled when he saw me. I cocked my head in confusion, and he explained without asking. "Eric took Mike home. I had a meeting with Kevin and Craig, so Eric took him home." He shrugged. "I let him talk me into it. Mike wanted to. Besides, I needed to talk to you."

It was hard to be happy about the prospected conversation. It could be about a number of things. I opened my car door. "Would you like to talk over some lunch?" I suggested as he climbed in. He looked distant, but not as nervous as I�d seen him earlier. If I were him, I�d be nervous about leaving Mike with Eric, but that was his decision.

"Wouldn�t mind it." He smiled, fixing his coat collar. "Let�s go to that empty place with the Japanese owner. I really don�t want any more publicity today."

I noticed him blush when I laughed at him. I started my car, still smirking. "It will make for a cute picture."

He laughed, dryly. "I don�t think I can argue with that."

He watched me drive towards the restaurant, quietly drumming his fingers on his knees. This was all too complicated for me to think about. Occasionally, he�d look at me as if he was about to say something, but then it would fade a way as he turned back to look out the window.

I parked my car, then followed him inside. The restaurant was small, near by, but almost always empty. The owner spoke a very scattered English that I couldn�t follow, but the food was good enough. Mike made a beeline for the corner booth, and sat down.

"I had to explain the attack to Mike." He said, folding his hands on the table.

I grimaced at the topic. "It couldn�t be avoided."

"No, it couldn�t." He replied.

The owner brought us two waters and left us menus. His funny little chatter made Mike smile as he thanked him. He turned back to me, and looked gravely troubled again.

He sighed. "It was so hard." I nodded, and he continued. "I had no clue how to tell him everything I knew, but I some how managed. I�m just not sure he understood."

"You�ve got to trust yourself. He understood." I picked up the menu, and took a quick glance at it. Mike made no move to look at his. He noticed me looking and he shrugged.

He sighed. "I�m not hungry."

I refolded my menu and put it back down on the table. "We can just have coffee, then."

"No," He quickly shook his head, "if you�re hungry you eat."

Mike hadn�t come here to eat, and I knew it. He came here to talk, and I couldn�t listen and eat at the same time. Food wasn�t the first thing on me mind. Besides, Mike was making me nervous. He was constantly folding his hands, and shifting in his seat.

"What are you worried about?" I asked.

He exhaled, then ran one hand through his hair. "Everything. I just need some one to listen."

I smiled, trying to look surprised. "So why me?"

Mike laughed, slightly bitter, rolling his eyes. "I�m not the most popular guy on the team, you know. Eric and I disagree about everything, and Shawn thinks everything is a big joke when it comes to relationship shit. There are some of the other guys, but you�re always willing to listen." He met my eyes, managing a grin. "I guess you must like me or something."

He seemed so sad, thinking that he didn�t have a friend in the world. He had my heart on his every word, and he didn�t know a thing about it. It would be so easy to tell him, right here and right now, but things are already complicated enough for him. I don�t need to add to his pain. No matter what Eric said.

"I guess I do." I smiled, watching him ease back against the fabric of the booth. I took a slow drink of water, just as the owner came back. Mike asked for two cups of coffee, then handed the menus over. What else was on his mind?

He pushed his water aside, waiting for the coffee. After a moment, he looked back at me. "Mike and I are going away for a week. We�re leaving tomorrow morning. Craig and Kevin are keeping us under the radar for a while. No one knows about his memory, except us. And it has to stay that way."

I wasn�t shocked, but my forehead creased in confusion. "Where are you going?"

He thought for a second, before replying. "We�re going to that cabin we stayed at last summer. Remember that one with the lake in the middle of no where?" I nodded, remembering the short trip we took during the summer. He continued at my nod. "Kevin talked to the doctor, and he said that it would be best for Mike if we were alone together."

Our coffee arrived, and I snatched a sugar packet out of the corner of my eye. I dumped it into my coffee, still watching Mike. "Do you agree with it?"

"I told them we�d go." He sounded apprehensive, and worried. "But I just don�t think I can make it work. It�s like they�re expecting me to make it all better, and to make him be himself again. I still don�t know how to do that."

"You�re his focal point." I slowly said. "He looks at you with a lot of faith. I see it. It takes a lot to build that faith, and he seems to have come with it. You don�t always have to worry about finding the right words, because he doesn�t expect the right words. He just wants the truth."

He was sipping his coffee, but put it down when I finished speaking. "Do you really believe that I can do it? You think I can bring him back?"

"You can try your best." I smiled, absorbing every second that I was his world. He was looking for something to believe in, when all he had to do was believe in himself. It troubled him to be without Mike, at least the Mike he knew.

We finished our coffee, left some change on the table, and I took him back to Skyreach. I walked him to his car. He was slowly becoming more human to me. I finally saw his fear. He was feeling like he was fighting a losing battle, and he had to let some one else into his head. Eric�s words were coming back, though. This could be your chance. My chance to break them up. But they belonged together. I just belonged on the outside.

"What if he doesn�t come back to me?" Mike asked, turning to me after he unlocked his car door. "What if I can�t do it?"

The fearful tone in his voice, and the pained look in his eyes, made me do a very stupid thing. I closed the short distance between us, and kissed him. I took his face with one hand, and pressed my lips to his. He didn�t move or respond.

I broke the kiss, trailing my thumb down his cheek. "Would you love him if he didn�t come back?"

Mike looked at me with wide eyes. "I don�t know."

I took a deep breath, feeling his confusion. It was too late to turn back now. "If he doesn�t come back to you, would you come back to me?"

"I�I don�t know Janne." He swallowed, shaking his head.

My hand fell away, and I took a long step back. "Just think about it, okay?"

He some how managed a nod, then climbed into his car and drove away. I stood in the parking lot, regretting everything I�d let happen. I tried everything to alleviate his tortured thoughts, and then I go and kiss him. Stupid me. Really stupid me. It would do him good to get out of here for a week. He had to sort out two peoples thoughts, and I had my own to think out.

AVRIL LAVIGNE
Complicated
Uh Huh
Life's like this
Uh Huh
Uh Huh
That's the way it is
Cause life's like this
Uh Huh
Uh Huh
That's the way it is
Chill out
What you yellin for?
Lay back
It's all been done before
And if you could only let it be
You will see
I like you the way you are
When we're drivin in your car
And you're talkin to me one-on-one
But you become
Somebody else
Round everyone else
Watchin your back
Like you can't relax
You tryin to be cool
You look like a fool to me
Tell me
Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?
I see the way you're actin like you're somebody else
Gets me frustrated
Life's like this you
You fall and you crawl and you break and you take what you get
And you turn into
Honestly, you promised me
I'm never gonna find you fake it
No no no
You come over unannounced
Dressed up like you're somethin else
Where you are and where it's at you see
You're makin me
Laugh out
When you strike a pose
Take off
All your preppy clothes
You know
You're not foolin anyone
When you become
Somebody else
Round everyone else
Watchin your back
Like you can't relax
You tryin to be cool
You look like a fool to me
Tell me
Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?
I see the way you're actin like you're somebody else
Gets me frustrated
Life's like this you
You fall and you crawl and you break and you take what you get
And you turn into
Honestly, you promised me
I'm never gonna find you fake it
No no no
(no no no)
No no
(no no no)
No no
(no no no)
No no
Chill out
What you yellin for?
Lay back
It's all been done before
And if you could only let it be
You will see
Somebody else
Round everyone else
Watchin your back
Like you can't relax
You tryin to be cool
You look like a fool to me
Tell me
Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?
I see the way you're actin like you're somebody else
Gets me frustrated
Life's like this you
You fall and you crawl and you break and you take what you get
And you turn into
Honestly, you promised me
I'm never gonna find you fake it
No no
Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?
(yeah yeah)
I see the way you're actin like you're somebody else
Gets me frustrated
Life's like this you
You fall and you crawl and you break and you take what you get
And you turn it into
Honestly, you promised me
I'm never gonna find you fake it
No no no

~York's POV~

I got back to the apartment without pulling out my hair. I got there without screaming or doing anything irrational. I�m proud of myself. I parked my car and went upstairs. I spotted Eric�s car still parked out front, and gritted my teeth.

I almost pounded my head against the door before I opened it. I had to stop and stare at the door handle. Janne had kissed me. Kissed me and practically said he loved me. He�d been so understanding, and gave me the advice I was looking for. Then he kissed me. That was the last thing I expected.

What I saw when I walked into my front door didn�t make matters better, either.

Eric was sitting on our couch, with Mike asleep on his lap, stretched out underneath an old quilt . The television was on, and Eric was watching one of the videos Mike and I had made on one of our vacations. He heard me come in, and looked away from the screen.

I stiffened as he met my eyes.

He gently shifted Mike off his lap, leaving him to lay on the couch. He clicked off the television as he walked over to me.

"He wanted to watch them." He explained, keeping his voice low. "He found them on the bookshelf."

Eric followed me into the hallway leading towards the bedroom. I leaned against the wall, watching him with narrowed eyes. I needed to stay and talk to Kevin, and Mike needed a ride home. He couldn�t be there. I let him go with Eric just because it was convenient. Not because it was a smart thing to do.

I tried to read Eric�s eyes. It was hard to tell if he looked guilty of anything or not. Everything was clouded by that damned kiss. Guilty or not, I didn�t need his shit.

"Eric, if you touched him, or said anything�" I was going to continue with my threat, include something about cutting off his balls, but he just smirked and broke my thoughts.

He cut me off. "Calm down, York. Don�t you trust him?"

"He trusts me, and I trust him. It�s you I don�t trust." All I wanted to do was crawl into bed. I just wanted him to go away.

"I can live with that, you know it doesn�t bother me one bit." He grinned at me, before taking a short look back to the couch. I hated having to look up at him as he smirked confidently at me. "I just brought him home. He told me if I wanted to stay, I could stay. He found the tapes, and decided to watch them."

"So you decided to watch them with him?" I replied, glaring.

He ignored my remark. "It was funny how he watched them. He couldn�t see himself as being himself. It was weird."

"Wow, thanks Eric. All my problems are solved now." I rubbed at my eyes, then waved him off. "You can go now, thanks a lot."

"I�m still his friend you know." Eric, apparently, had had enough too.

"A friend who wants to get in his pants!" I snapped, louder than I had intended.

Eric sneered, "I only want to help, and this is the thanks I get. I can�t wait for you to fall flat on your face, when you can�t figure how to get him back. That�ll be fucking redemption. You�re lucky I care about him enough not to tell anyone about Weight."

I nodded, sharply. "I�ll get him back, Eric. In a week. You�ll see."

"I�d sooner bet on Tampa Bay than take that one." He turned away from me, moving quickly towards the door. He grabbed his coat and left, and I was glad he was gone.

At about that time I noticed Mike laying on the couch, with his eyes opened. He raised his eyebrows and smirked. I moved across the room to stand next to the couch, letting my shoulders slump.

"How much of that did you hear?" I folded my arms, sighing.

"Enough to know you�ve got issues with Eric." His smile quirked. "He seems extremely disagreeable with you. Not with me."

I tilted my head, chuckling. It felt better to smile. "Well that�s true."

"You look tired." He said after a moment.

I found his perception humoring. I rubbed at my eyes again. "I am."

"Well," He sat up, folding the quilt around his shoulders and pushing off the couch, "then let�s go to bed."

My stomach tightened, and I shifted my weight nervously as he met my eyes without flinching. "I just don�t know, Mike."

"Please?" He batted his eyelashes, watching me squirm.

I was too tired to resist, and I bobbed my head in mixed defeat. He grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the bedroom. He looked at me wryly, feeling me resist.

"I should�ve asked Eric to stay, then you wouldn�t be so afraid of me." He spoke nonchalantly, but he was right. I stopped dragging my feet for a second and dipped my head, guiltily.

"I�m not afraid of you." I replied.

He tossed the quilt over my shoulders and turned to smile at me. "It just seems that way, right? You wanted to protect me from Eric and from ghosts in memories, but you can�t open yourself up to me." He walked backwards, through the bedroom door, until he was sitting on the bed. I followed him with every step, holding the quilt tightly to my body.

"I trusted you with Eric." I managed to reply.

He leaned back, propping himself up on his elbows. "You told me what happened, so I knew there was more to him than I could see. You didn�t have to worry." He stretched out, resting his head on the pillows. He closed his eyes, and inhaled slowly.

My fatigue was spreading. My body was telling me just to lie down and curl up next to him, but my mind was opposing. Maybe I was afraid of him. Afraid that I was going to fall in love with him again, and forget about who he was before. I didn�t want that to happen, but could I stop it?

I swayed, untucking my shirt and climbed onto the bed. I dropped the quilt off my shoulders, covering us both. He opened his eyes, rolling onto his side until his body was pressed against my side. Putting his head on my shoulder, he rested his hand across my chest.

I cleared my throat, trying to find a place for my hands. Curling one around his shoulder, I spoke. "Eric said you found the vacation tapes."

"I only managed to watch the one before I fell asleep." He nodded, smiling. "I can�t believe it�s me, though. The way I talked, the way I moved. In a way, I guess it�s not me."

"In what way?" I asked, quietly.

He propped his chin up on my shoulder. "You looked at that me with love in your eyes. I can�t see it anymore. It�s disappearing." His lips tightened into a firm line as he gave me a firm and questioning look. "What can I do to bring that back?"

I was back where I was earlier this afternoon. Trusting and expecting eyes asking me a question I just didn�t know how to answer. Janne�s face flashed in my mind, but I pushed it away. There were two strangers, asking me to choose one of them. Janne wasn�t a stranger, but a friendship can�t turn to love out of necessity. Mike was a stranger who was slowly building a personality. I couldn�t do it. They were both just too important to me to give the wrong answer.

He sighed at my aggravation. "Eric lied to you, you know."

"What?" I asked, narrowing my eyes.

Mike sighed. "Eric�he told me that if I thought you didn�t love me anymore, he�d be waiting. He told me that, and I think he meant it." He looked at me with pained eyes. "It�s hard to trust him, though, because I believe what you�ve said about him."

The thought of losing the last piece I had of him suddenly stabbed at my heart. I brought my hand up to touch his face. "Did you tell him anything?"

He pursed his lips, and shook his head. "Do you think I ever really loved him? Do you think I could?"

"You�" I started but trailed off. "You never stopped loving me. We were apart for such a long time, but you never stopped. And neither did I."

"Then why have you stopped now?" His asked. All he wanted was me to offer him some safety. He just wanted to feel needed and not alone. He wasn�t alone. Didn�t he know that every time I looked at him I could still feel everything we had? Just because I was stupid and couldn�t show him doesn�t mean it�s not there.

"I still haven�t given up on you." I said firmly.

He managed a smirk with some satisfaction. "When are we leaving?"

"What?"

He put his head down, resting it on my shoulder again. "For the cabin."

"Oh." I closed my eyes. "Tomorrow. We�ve still got to pack."

"We�ll find time for that." His voice slowly faded. He fell asleep, and I just watched him for a little while. Watched him and tried to figure out what was going on his head, because I didn�t want to think about my own problems.

Of course, most of my problems are laying right here in my arms.

NOT MYSELF
John Mayer
Suppose I said
I am on my best behavior
And there are times
I lose my worried mind
Would you want me when I'm not myself?
Wait it out while I am someone else?
Suppose I said
Colors change for no good reason
And words will go
From poetry to prose
Would you want me when I'm not myself?
Wait it out while I am someone else?
And I, in time, will come around
I always do for you
Suppose I said
You're my saving grace?

~Comrie's POV~

Michael set out suitcases by the door of the bedroom. He had started packing before I woke up, and that was only a few minutes ago. I rolled onto my stomach as he moved around, busying himself. He smirked at me when he noticed I was awake.

"Good morning." He folded his arms across his chest. "Sleep well?"

I nodded. "Yep." I raised my eyebrows. "You didn�t."

He blushed, guiltily. "I didn�t think you noticed. You didn�t wake up."

I�d felt him get up several times during the night. I didn�t wake up because I knew he�d come back. And each time he did, he just let me cuddle next to him without really responding. His eyes were tired, even though he was trying his best to look alert.

"I woke up, but you never noticed." I propped myself up on my arms, settling my chin against them.

Michael shrugged. "I�m usually more perceptive than that."

"I don�t doubt that." I tilted my head, grinning.

He smiled, then turned away from me. He moved to pick up a duffel bag and put it by the door with our suitcases. He looked more glad to be busy than anything. I watched Michael, before yawning again. I�d slept a lot, and I was still tired. Our nap, yesterday afternoon, lasted an hour before he had to get up and eat. His stomach had been rumbling underneath my ear, and I woke him up so we could eat. He made spaghetti while I watched more of the videos. He occasionally stopped to watch them with me, but he kept moving around and didn�t stop for that long. We were both mulling over something. Hopefully the same thing.

When Eric had taken me home, I was worried. Not really worried, but nervous. He was always prompting me with odd questions that I didn�t know how to answer. What I knew was, he was jealous of Michael and Michael was paranoid of him. I wanted to make sure Eric stayed until Michael got home to make sure Michael wouldn�t just pretend I wasn�t there.

I hadn�t planned on Eric taking my hand, and asking me if I had any feelings for him. Then telling me that if Michael didn�t love me any more, he�d be there to take me back. Take me back? According to Michael, I put Eric out of my life. Not the other way around.

I told Eric that I didn�t know. I think he took that as a �Wait and see,� because he smiled and kissed my forehead.

Michael cleared his throat. "You just going to lay in bed all day?"

He sat on the edge of the bed, next to me. I moved to sit next to him, and felt comforted when he didn�t shift away.

"Can�t." I put my head on his shoulder. "I�m hungry."

He laughed, lightly. "I can make you breakfast if you want."

"Would you?" I straightened, putting my hands on his knee and grinning.

Michael�s face brightened into a smile. I liked being able to make him smile. I think he found my humor a little foreign, but he was warming to it. Once he was through agonizing over me, I think he�ll find me funny.

He touched my hand, briefly, before standing. "Get dressed, and we can eat. Then we can go."

I nodded. "Okay."

Michael left me alone, pausing to give me a short look of departure before disappearing. The little smile he�d given me made me want to get up from the bed. I was glad I�d convinced Michael not to sleep on the couch last night. Even though it made him uncomfortable, he was very comfortable to sleep against. His small form was strong and I seemed to fit very well next to him. I think that he was trying to ignore that fact.

I picked up the shirt he�d set aside for me, and pulled it over my head. I found the prospects of leaving this little world I�d built around me exciting. It was constricting here. I wondered how anyone could put up with this world of routine. Hockey. My life seemed to revolve around that. That�s what was rushing us to come back so quickly. Rushing to come back to something that my body understood, but my head couldn�t.

The phone rang. I picked up the phone at the bedside without thinking. Instincts that I couldn�t control either.

I heard Michael�s voice. I don�t think he heard me pick up on the other phone.

"Hello?"

Another voice, an angry voice, cut me off before I could say anything.

"Where�s my brother, York?"

Brother. Michael said Paul was my brother�s name. He was my older brother. There was a photo of me and a man who resembled me in an eerie way. His hair was lighter. Or maybe that was me. I don�t know. I listened to the conversation, interested.

"Where are you, Paul?" Michael answered, irritated by my brother�s tone.

"I�m in a layover in Toronto, on my way home because I got this call that there was a big emergency, and my brother was hurt. Where is he? I want to talk to him." Paul snapped.

Michael snorted. "He�s not just your brother, Paul. And I don�t think he wants to talk to you."

"Fuck you he doesn�t want to talk to me." Paul�s voiced pitched, angrily. "What�s this shit about amnesia? I get the call that I should come home immediately, because he doesn�t remember anything."

"That�s true Paul." Michael answered, regaining his composure.

"So they just leave you with him? What the hell do you know that anyone else wouldn�t." I almost shouted at Paul in Michael�s defense, but I held my tongue. I held my breath, knowing Michael could handle it himself.

Michael spoke through clenched teeth. "You damn well why he�s with me, Paul."

"If he didn�t remember anything, how sure can you be that he really wants to be with you, huh? How can you be sure that he�s still your little queer?" So that�s Paul�s problem. I tightened my grip on the phone, waiting for Michael to reply.

"What were we supposed to do, Paul? Stick him in a white room with white walls and wait for him to figure it out? I�ve been trying my best, and so has everyone else. You weren�t here, so you couldn�t try to convince him not to be with me. It�s been hard for me too, you know." Michael said, fighting to keep control of his voice. I remembered how he�d snapped at Eric. He was capable of it.

Paul scoffed. "I�m sure, York. I�m sure it�s been hard for you to keep from fucking him."

"I�d never take advantage of him." I could almost feel Michael�s vehement denial through the walls. I hoped Paul felt that over the phone. "We�re leaving Paul. When you get here, we�ll be gone."

"What? You can�t leave. I wont be there until tomorrow. Where are you going?" Paul�s voice quickened.

Michael sighed. "I�m not hiding him from you, Paul. Just because you�re his older brother doesn�t mean you can control him. This was the doctors� idea, and he agreed to it."

"You know, Eric wouldn�t have let him agree to a stupid idea like that."

"Well, I�m not Eric."

Paul laughed. "You�re right you�re not. My brother deserves some one better than you, you know why? Because you�re a loner who can�t handle something out of his control."

"And you think Eric�s a better choice?" Michael seemed to reply in disbelief.

"I think my brother was better off with him, than you." Paul hissed.

Michael finally had to shout at him. "Eric hit him!"

"Because of you!" Paul yelled back. "You ruined what he had because you're selfish. You came back, and he got attacked. I was at the hospital, York. You couldn�t protect him. "

Suddenly, a memory ghosted across my mind. Michael, his head bandaged, arguing with the lighter haired me. I was pretending to sleep. They didn�t know I saw and heard everything. I couldn�t hear their voices in the memory. I wished I could. I put my hand over the phone, as I tried to catch my breath. I almost dropped the phone, and the conversation echoed noiselessly in my ears.

God, why did this hurt so much?

The memory faded away, back to where it had been. It�d been after the attack. It�d been hard to see them arguing. I hated them fighting. They always seemed to be fighting.

I caught my breath, and put the phone back against my ear.

I heard a dial tone.

As quickly as I could, I shut off the phone and threw it back to where it belonged. I grabbed the rest of my clothes and dressed quickly. I missed what else was said, but I think I got the gist of it. Paul hated Michael because he was jealous? Jealous or something else. I�d have to ask Michael.

Maybe I�d just be better off leaving my past where it belongs.

Mike had found my sunglasses in the apartment before we left. He put them on in the car. I couldn't see where he was looking the entire drive up. He'd turn his head in my direction and smile when I shifted my line of sight off his eyes to explore his face. I don't know if it was on purpose or not, but it got me off of thinking about Paul's phone call.

God, he held grudges. Deplorable grudges that made me regret ever crossing him. I drove and thought, while Mike looked around with his covered eyes. He looked at me again, and I smiled. I told him that Paul had called earlier, and he took it with half interest. That's not what I'd expected. They were so close, I thought there would be some underlying blood bond thing. Beats me how his brain works, but maybe he sensed how Paul was always trying to slither into his life and pick us apart.

He raised his eyebrows when he noticed the look that crossed over my face. "What are you thinking about?"

I gritted my teeth, trying to get some control. "Bad stuff."

He laughed. "Michael, I could tell that. Besides, about everything you think of is bad." He smirked, setting his head back. He lifted the glasses, resting them in his hair. He saw something was troubling me, and wanted to solve it.

"It's about your brother." I replied, looking at the steering wheel.

"Hmm." He flipped the glasses back over his eyes. "What else?"

I smirked, looking up at him. "He hates me. Just about everyone hates me."

He cocked his head, frowning. "I can't believe that."

I laughed, bitterly. "Eric hates me. Your brother hates me. Your father hates me." I looked at the road. If I didn't pay attention, I'd crash. "Just about everyone important in your life, hates me. I think even your little stepbrothers hate me. One kicked me in the shins the last time I saw him.."

"Why?" He interrupted my ramblings. He looked serious too.

How could I tell him? But it wasn't him. This wasn't the Mike I almost cheated on. This was the one who didn't eat cereal ritualistically or consider making the bed a science. This wasn't him, in those ways. I hated the secret. I was probably making it out worse than it really was, but he still didn't know. He lifted the glasses again, waiting.

"Our first Christmas at Michigan together, Paul came in from Edmonton." I watched the road, carefully remembering the events I'd tried to forget. "You were taking the flight back with him to go home, and I was going to my parents'. But we spent a few days together. You insisted I get to know your brother."

"How did it go?" He asked.

I started again. "At first it was all right. He looks...he looks so much like you. Same eyes, same nose. Except for the hair." I trailed off, watching him smirk at my description. I knocked that smirk away with the harshness of my next words. "But he's, in so many ways, different..."

He didn't say anything. He just let me continue. "He knew we were together. It had only been for a little while, but we were still together. I don't know what he was thinking, but on the day before you were supposed to leave..." I guiltily met his eyes, "Paul and I were alone, and he kissed me. He kissed me, pushed me on the bed, and started to take off my pants. I didn't know what to do."

Mike, knowingly, touched my leg. I almost jumped. "Yes you did. You stopped him, and that pissed him off."

I looked at his hand, and then at him. "That obvious, huh?" He nodded, and I smiled at my expression. "He almost had me convinced, you know? He told me we were closer in age, and I would never have to wait for him the way I would for you. But I couldn't do it."

"You never told me." He stated, firmly. Confidently. "I think I understand why."

"You think?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

He chuckled. "You hate secrets, but you also hate hurting some one you care about."

"I think everyone does. You kept secrets from me and I forgave you. Makes me wonder if you'd have done the same." We were nearing our destination, that took us onto a gravel road. He jumped at the rocky sounds beneath our tires. The snow and rarely used roads made for hazardous driving, but I'd been through worse. In driving and in life.

We were quiet for a few minutes when, suddenly, he punched my shoulder. I feigned being hurt, and freed one of my hands from the wheel to rub my arm.

"Ow. What was that for?"

"For letting me be surprised, and for letting the conversation die off." He certainly had demanding tendencies.

"No reason to hit me." I smirked. "It's probably going to leave a bruise, you know."

I'd set him up. I knew what was coming.

"Want me to kiss it better?" His hand ghosted over my shirt as he grinned. All he has to do is bat his eyelashes, and the world almost melts away. He lifted the short sleeve off my shoulder, and touched his lips to my skin. Warm, but feathery light, the kiss probably made me blush because when he looked at my face he laughed.

He settled back in his seat and adjusted his seat belt. He looked out the window just as we pulled down the tree-lined drive way. The leaves would stretch over the road in the summer, now they're just skeletons. They lose themselves, then are reborn.

Damned metaphorical trees.

Mike seemed captivated by the looming building ahead of us. It stuck out from the snow like a ship in the ocean. It looks like it belongs, but you can see that it's man made. This place reminded me more of a ski lodge than a cabin. To me, a cabin is a shack that your grandfather drags you to in the middle of winter to kill a deer and come home stinking like burnt fur and moldy wood. Maybe those were just American cabins.

"Wow." Mike pulled off my sunglasses and set them on the dash. "This isn't what I expected."

I parked the car and shrugged. "Is there something wrong with it?"

I popped the trunk and left the car. He followed, shaking his head.

"There's nothing wrong with it," He picked up his suitcase as I picked up mine, "it's just not what I had in mind. Hey, they even got the walk shoveled."

"Kevin made some phone calls." I managed to grin.

He followed me up to the front steps, silently letting me lead. We got inside, and he laughed. He laughed as his eyes explored the huge interior. I'd seen it before, so I knew that the inside was just as grand as the outside. The kitchen was stainless steel and the upstairs had more bedrooms than I cared to count. We left our suitcases by the door, and he left to find out what every room held inside. I went and fell onto the couch.

Mike came back in, smiling. "This is amazing."

I nodded, yawning.

He smirked at my yawn, coming over to stand at the far end of the couch. "You're tired. That was a long drive."

I shrugged, rubbing the back of my neck. He quickly picked that up, and moved behind the couch to rub my shoulders. I fought off the relaxation pouring off his fingertips, and turned to face him. He kept his hands on my shoulders, and smiled as I faced him.

"Why doesn't this bother you?" I planted my hands on the back of the couch, kneeling on the cushions.

He smirked, cocking his head. "What should be bothering me?"

"You seemed to have it figured out," I frowned, "I mean with Paul, Eric, Doug, and everything else...you just don't let it bother you. Is it bothering you and you're just not telling me? I want to know."

Mike's fingers curled into my hair as he thought. He met my eyes after a second, and shrugged. "It's not like I'm giving up, but the past is the past. I know it's my past, but the people that have hurt me in the past, betrayed me some how, are a part of that. Maybe this is a way to forget all of that stuff."

"It's not just stuff, Mike, it's lessons. Lessons that everyone has to learn, and you can't just put it out of your mind if you feel like it." He made sense in a way, but he couldn't just let go of that. Despite how melancholy he got when he thought about the mistakes he made before, it was a part of him.

"I know it happened, and the consequences that came with it." He smiled as he shook his head. "It's not like I was given a choice to forget the bad stuff. All of the good things went with it."

"It will all come back!" I stated. Suddenly, it didn't seem that possible after all. But was he really happy with this? He couldn't be.

He dropped his head. "What if I don't want it to?"

My eyes widened. "What do you mean? It's all we've worked for since you were injured. It's why we're here. It's why Eric thinks you'll just forget about me if things don't work out, and why Janne has the same idea." I paused to clench my jaw and look away. I looked back up at him, and shook my head. "I've done some things I'd like to forget, but that's just being regretful. This is different."

His eyes shone with tears as he looked at me. "I'm sorry. Maybe I'm just not strong enough."

I pulled him into a desperate hug. "Yes you are. We're both strong enough." I didn't think I was, but I had to make him believe me. It would be simpler just to let him buy into his perceived reality and go back to Edmonton and give up. Paul would take him away. I could lie to myself and tell Janne what he wanted to hear. But I couldn't. I wasn't hiding in New York any more. I was here and so was he.

He relaxed in my arms, putting his head on my shoulder. "Michael, what if we can't make everything come back?"

I closed my eyes, trying not to imagine the what ifs. I finally had him thinking about the problem, while I was questioning it myself. I set him back, kissing his forehead. "We'll think about that in a week, okay?"

He nodded, looking mildly reassured. The way he looked at me, and the way he felt in my arms, made me want to promise it would be okay. I couldn't promise him. But I could kiss him.

Gently, I moved in and put my lips to his. Short and innocent enough. I leaned back, resting on my heels, trailing my hands down his body as I did.

He watched my hands, before lifting his chin to search my face. There was a flash in his eyes when I looked at him. A flash of recognition. He took a shaky breath and took my hands.

Mike smirked, the strange look passing over him like a shadow. I smiled back, wondering what the look had meant.

~Comrie's POV~

The sun was just rising. I could see the sky lightening in the distance, and the rays glinting off the snow.

From my spot on the front step in front of the cabin, I could look out at the pine trees that were clumped in the distance, and the bare poplars that were littered along the roadside. They were all dusted with snow that hadn't been scarred by people.

I tried to focus only on my surroundings, but it was hard. It wasn't that early, but it's earlier than I wanted to be up. That damned nightmare woke me up; woke me up and scared me.

I hated finding out more and more about myself. I'm not that person anymore. And I'm not afraid of not being him.

Michael was still sleeping upstairs. He looked really tired yesterday. It took alot out of the both of us, but I think he's frustrating himself over other things too. Things like my brother.

I can tell myself I'm not afraid of Paul. I'm just worried that he's going to come up here and find us. He's planning to take me back, and that's the last place I want to go. Go back to Edmonton and be alone. Alone with my ghost memories. Michael is keeping me from Paul, and I understand his motives. At least, I think I do.

I rubbed at my eyes, trying to wake up. It wasn't working. I was still stuck in my nightmare world. I don't dream; I have nightmares. I'm surprised I didn't kick Michael when I woke up, the way we were sleeping.

Although we fell asleep on opposite sides of the bed, Michael had some how curled up against me in the middle of the night. It was difficult to move him without waking him, but I managed. I didn't want to sleep alone, and he was accepting that. The first night after this fucking memory bullshit started, I had only managed a few frustrated hours of sleep. Most of them clouded with awkward dreams and tainted images I didn't understand. I hate the feeling of a memory bursting onto my mind. It rips up my concentration like a knife.

That's what happened when Michael kissed me yesterday.

I was glad he kissed me. It was a moment of intimacy that he initiated. He wasn't just telling me he's trying to love me or protecting me from demons, he was showing me. But it hurt. That moment his lips touched mine, thousands of images broke through the barriar that kept them at bay. All of Michael.

Michael laughing. Michael smiling. Michael playing hockey with me. Michael opening a presant. Michael making a face after eating something. Michael standing in the airport, turning to see me. Michael's pale face, covered with flimsy bandages. Michael's hair, stuck to his forehead with sweat...For a moment, an instant, I saw every mental image I'd ever made of him. Every instant a person takes for granted, and I'm sure I did. Most were pleasant, but some were less than that.

But it all hurt. I could've fallen over, if I hadn't fought through it. I don't know if Michael saw it. I'm sure he noticed something, because he gave me a brief look of puzzlement. I didn't say anything, and I don't think I will.

Maybe it will go away. I'll have to get him to kiss me again to find out.

I didn't hear the door open, but I wasn't surprised when I jacket slipped over my shoulders and a warm breath brushed a good morning in my ear.

"Morning." I turned and smiled as Michael sat next to me on the step.

"Why are you out here so early?" He asked, pulling his coat around his body.

"Thinking," I replied. I looked away. "I had a nightmare, so I came out here to think."

He swallowed, shaking his head. "I should've woken up, I'm sorry."

I shook my head, turning back to him and trying to smile. "It's okay. You were tired, I let you sleep."

He nodded. "What was it about?"

I think he was trying to make up for yesterday. He saw me finally admit more of my fears, and he wanted to make sure there were no new ones. I blinked my eyes, then bit my lip.

"Doug. When he hurt us." I shook my head. "I can't decide what I remember, but I want that to get less hurtful every time it shows up."

He touched his temple, thinking to himself. "It doesn't. It can't."

I sighed, exhaling out my nose. My breath clouded around my face as I turned to look at the snow. Michael still thought about it, but he thinks about other things. He's always got so much to think about. He's worrying about stuff I should be worrying about.

He looked out at the trees, studying the snow. I watched him as he thought. Was he thinking about my brother?

I'm trying to figure that out. I believe Michael, but that's because I want to. He sure seemed guilty if nothing happened. If it was all Paul's fault. Maybe that's just how Michael agonizes over things. He didn't want me to get hurt by my brother, or by Eric.

But he left me with Eric to talk to Janne. He mentioned Janne the other day, comparing him to Eric. I turn away from Michael as I feel a stab of jealously. Michael wouldn't trust Eric with a boiled egg, so why was he so willing to put me into Eric's hands? He wasn't that willing, and seemed angry with his decision afterwards, but he still did it. He had to talk to Janne, I remember him saying. Why? What was so important that he had to leave me? I hadn't put much thought into this before, but it doesn't seem entirely innocent. Maybe Michael just needed to vent. He couldn't vent to me about me, so he needed a friend. Just a friend.

I turned back to see Michael looking at me. He exhaled, then smirked.

"As long as we're up, do you want to take a walk?" He asked.

I laughed, pushing the jealously and parinoia to the back of my mind. "We're both dressed like two people who'd just been chased out of their house by a fire. Aren't there other houses with people out here?"

He stood, shaking his head. "Only in the summer. The only people out here are the caretakers, and they live up on the hill. If we need anything, we call them. They drive into town and get it."

I followed him as he started down the steps. "Sounds like an interesting life."

He shrugged. "Something to do."

There was a pause, long enough for me to spit out what I had to say.

"Michael?" I asked. He looked at me, and I continued. "I know yesterday, when I asked you what would happen if I don't remember everything, you didn't really think about it. I know we only have so much time here, and I'm not sure if it's enough."

He sighed, nodding. "If we find a way it will be enough time."

"If I don't get my memory back, I don't want to go back to Edmonton." I said. He stopped walking, and waited for me to say what I had to say. He knew I had a point to make. "I don't want to play hockey, and I don't want to remake every friend I've ever had. I don't want to a brother I don't know."

"What do you want?" He asked, taking my hands.

I shrugged. "I don't know. A life. A life with you."

His hands tightening around mine. "It wont be that easy, you know. Just to let everything go."

"Will you think about it?" I asked, worry clenching my stomach.

He smiled, brightly. "I'd go to the moon with you. I let you go once, and almost lost you twice. I've been thinking about it, Mike. I don't want you to run from your problems and just give up, but I wont leave you." I grinned, the weight lifted off my chest. "Okay."

"Okay." He kept hold of one of my hands, but dropped the other one. He held my hand and we walked. I'm sure we've both got enough money just to leave and live in a place like this, but we've got a week to think about that. Michael, I'm sure, will be thinking about it. I've already decided.

*Back in Edmonton*

Angry pounding on my front door woke me up, instead of my alarm clock. I sighed, burying my face into the pillows. The building better be on fire, or something like that. Anything else, I did not want to deal with.

I left my bed, deciding to appease whoever was knocking on my door.

I frowned when I opened the door. Paul Comrie stood on the other side, glaring at me. I rubbed at my eyes, hoping it was an illusion.

"What do you want Paul?" I asked, opening the door and letting him inside.

Paul pursed his lips. "You know where my brother is, don't you?"

"What?" I narrowed my eyes. "What is this about?"

Paul gritted his teeth. "Where are York and my brother? Eric told me you knew where they were."

How did Eric know I knew that? I shook my head. "Paul, I think he lied to you. If you asked Kevin or Craig, they should..."

"No. No Kevin or Craig. They'll tell them I'm coming. Eric said York told you where they were going." Paul seemed insistent that I knew. I did know, but I don't want to tell him.

"Paul, I don't know." I shook my head, hoping he'd take me seriously.

Paul frowned, rolling his eyes. "Yeah, sure you don't know. Just like you don't want to get York into bed. Eric told me you had a thing for him, and that you knew where they were. Now, I want you to tell me." I'd had enough. I opened the door. "Leave, Paul. Get out right now."

"You don't understand." He shook his head, sighing with frustration. "I hate seeing them together. I want to get my brother away from him; far away from him. Mike has cheated on my brother, you know? He did, and if I tell my brother that, he'll leave with me, because he'll see what Mike's really like."

It was hard to tell if Paul was lying to me, but I'm sure that Mike has never cheated. I don't think he cheated even when they were apart. I saw how they were together, and I don't think he'd hurt some one he loved.

I gave Paul a suspicious look. "How do you know he cheated?"

Paul's grin told me everything. "Because it was with me."

I hated thinking this way. I hated thinking that Mike would do that, or that I had a chance. Paul was putting ideas in my head. Ideas that wont work. Or could they? Mike seemed frustrated with Paul's brother, and might give up on him. He might. It might work. Or it could blow up in my face. I already felt humiliated for even thinking that Mike thought of me as anything more than a friend. Maybe he had other ideas, but they just weren't showing. There is no way any of us can get out of this without being hurt.

I was trapped in a paradox. Paul started to pace, like a caged animal. He was like a wolf. I was going to lead the wolf to the lambs, that had trusted me with their hiding spot. Or I was leading a brother to his siblings rescue. Or I was just being selfish, and Paul nosey.

I haven't drank enough coffee to be placed with this decision. What can I tell him? What should I tell him?

Somehow, I managed to open my mind to that idea. I spoke up, hoping it wont be something I'll regret. "We can leave tomorrow."

HOW YOU REMIND ME
Nickleback

never made it as a wise man,
i couldnt cut it as a poor man stealin,
tired of livin like a blind man,
sick of sight without a sense of feelin.
and this is how you remind me,
this is how you remind me of what i really am,
this is how you remind me of what i really am,
its not like you to say sorry
i was waiting on a different story
this time i'm mistaken
for haning you a heart wirht breaking
i've been wrong,
i've been down,
been to the bottom of every bottle,
these five words in my head scream " are we having fun yet?"
yeah, yeah, yeah, oh, oh
its not like you didnt know that,
i said i love you and i swear i still do,
and it must have been so bad,
coz livin with me must have damn near killed you
and this is how you reamind me of what i really am,
this is how you remind me of what i really am,
its not like you to say sorry
i was waiting on a different story
this time i'm mistaken
for haning you a heart wirht breaking
i've been wrong,
i've been down,
been to the bottom of every bottle,
these five words in my head scream " are we having fun yet?"
yeah, yeah, yeah, oh, oh
never made it as a wise man,
i couldnt cut it as a poor man stealin
and this is how you remind me,
this is how you remind me,
this is how you remind me of what i really am,
this is how you remind me of what i really am,
its not like you to say sorry
i was waiting on a different story
this time i'm mistaken
for haning you a heart wirht breaking
i've been wrong,
i've been down,
been to the bottom of every bottle,
these five words in my head scream " are we having fun yet?"
yeah, yeah, yeah, oh, oh

Maybe I wanted to stay here. Maybe this is what I wanted.

Or maybe not.

Mike�s hand tightened around mine. "Something wrong?"

I smirked. "You know what�s wrong."

He grinned at me. "Well, I thought there might be something different for once. Something besides the impossible."

We kept walking down the road, getting further and further away from the cabin. He seemed content to keep wandering along, and I seemed content to follow. He did seem more comfortable here than he was at the apartment. Or maybe I�m just more comfortable with him.

He kissed me on the cheek, surprising me. I looked at him, raising me eyebrows.

"Stop thinking so much." His hand wrapped my waist, hugging me close to his hip.

I laughed, trying to push him away. "One of us has to think around here."

He smiled brightly, holding me closer, until I was facing him. "Why does it have to be you? Your forehead crinkles when you think." He ran his hand across my hair line, tucking a stray strand behind my ear.

God, he looked beautiful. His dark hair glistened in the sunlight as he tipped his head to smile at me. His smile brightened as he noticed I was admiring him. He blushed, resting his forehead on my shoulder as he chuckled.

"What�s so funny?" I asked, resting my hands on his hips.

He lifted his head and sighed, happily. "We�re still in our pajamas."

I raised an eyebrow, confused. "So?"

A devious grin spread across his face. A grin I hadn�t seen for a long time. Even longer than his amnesia.

He moved quicker than I could react, slipping out of my arms and knocking me into the snow bank. The snow was light and fluffy, but I still landed hard and with a surprised sound knocked out of my lungs. I heard him laughing as I sunk down into the powder.

I groaned, glaring at him as I sat up. "Why did you do that?"

Mike stopped laughing, but he was still smiling when he sat next to me in the bank. I was still trying to figure out what he was doing, watching him for answers. His hazel eyes sparked with arousal when he looked at me.

I couldn�t say anything. I didn�t need to.

His lips met mine, and I could still feel his trepidation in his kiss. I felt that fear slip away as I poured myself into hungrily kissing him back. He settled across my waist, and I shuddered as he pressed his body against mine, grinding our hips together.

He broke the kiss to grin. A bright smile that left me confused. Did he expect something bad to happen? I tilted my head, but didn�t question it. Whatever it was, it couldn�t be that important. He kissed my lips again, before moving down my neck. He licked down my collar bone, exposing my skin to the morning air.

One of his hands traveled up my shirt, letting more cold air touch my body. The sensations of warmth and coolness were distracting. His mouth was hot, his hands were cold�

Mike grabbed a handful of snow, shoving it up my shirt. I yelped with shock, trying to get the snow off my stomach and chest. But Mike had straddled my waist, and pinned my hands in the snow. I squirmed trying to free myself.

"Oh god� this is torture�" I trembled, still making a half hearted effort to rid myself of the melting snow.

He pressed his forehead to mine, still holding my hands down at my sides. "I�m glad you like it."

"Yeah, I love hypothermia." I scoffed lightly.

It only took a second to flip him on his back the moment he let my hands go. I grabbed a handful of snow, smearing it in his face. He sputtered, wiping it out of his eyes as I rolled off to his side.

I propped myself up on an elbow, watching the color rise to his cheeks. "Just returning the favor."

He wiped at his face again. "I think there was dirt in there."

"You�re just mad because I got you back." I pushed myself up to my knees, brushing some of the snow off of my arms. This was so familiar, some how. It reminded me of the night of our first kiss, when we ended up on the banks of the pond in each other�s arms. We hadn�t had a moment like those in college for a long time. Mike had changed after what Doug did to him, and he lost some of his expressiveness. I missed the Mike I knew in college.

He sat up too, sighing. "I suppose we should go inside before we get sick."

"You sound like my mother." Standing, I helped him to his feet.

He looped his hand around my waist as we walked. "Well, too bad for you."

I was damp, but glowing, when we got inside. We had the rest of the day ahead of us, and we had to decide how to spend it.

I found a seat on one of the stools at the kitchen counter. Mike had put our coats away, and made his way in a few seconds later. He folded his arms, standing a few feet away from me with a small grin. I shrugged at the look.

"Well?" I asked. "Are you hungry?"

He climbed onto the stool next to me, swinging his feet as he replied. "I guess."

I sighed, leaning against the counter on my elbows. "I�m cold."

Mike turned to me and laughed. "You were laying in the snow."

"So were you." I said.

He rolled his eyes. "So we�re both cold and wet. Can we find a solution to that?"

I slipped off the stool to stand next to his. I put my arms around his waist and whispered to him. "We could take a shower." My lips ghosted over his, and he knew what I meant.

His eyes brightened. "Are you sure? I mean, really? I�"

I kissed him. "If it�s what you want."

He jumped into my arms, wrapping his legs around me. I stumbled a few feet, surprised and absorbed in his kisses. His tongue slipped past my teeth and into my mouth, tasting me. His feet found the floor, and I�m glad they did. The floor would�ve been a lot harder landings than a snow bank.

We left kisses and clothes on the stairs, somehow managing not to fall. His hands roamed my body like it was the first time he�d ever touched me. In a way, I guess it was.

It was a miracle we made it into the shower.

The morning slipped away to the afternoon, and then the evening. If the rest of the week is like this, I think that I wont want to leave.

Mike and I had watched the sunset out the large back window. He was asleep in my arms as night set in, and had been for a while. My arm was going numb, but I didn�t want to move him. I nuzzled his hair, and sighed.

We always had so much to worry about. Contracts, games, practices, charity, and appearances�we had days off but never really days where we were completely free. I missed my family back home. I�d like to have more time to visit them. We did have enough money to buy something like this and survive for a long time.

God, I�m actually considering it. I�m actually planning out something in my head that would never have crossed my mind, until this morning. Until I found that I could have what I left behind when I started playing for the Rangers. I left him behind for a career, that I�m now contemplating giving up.

"Why did you have to go and do this?" I whisper to him. He�s asleep. He can�t hear my ramblings.

I love his sense of humor. I love the way he thinks I don�t love him, when I do. I love the way he doesn�t have to clean everything twice, like he used to. But maybe I�m just enjoying the aspects to his personality I haven�t seen in a while.

"What if we did stay here? What then?" I kissed behind his ear, letting my eyes drift shut. "Would everyone just let us? I don�t think it would happen like that. We�ve got obligations to fulfill. If we find a way to work around them, it just might work."

I was getting tired. "But I love you enough to try."

I yawned, stretching out my legs and shifting Mike in my arms. I could sleep here, on the couch, and be comfortable. Screw the cramps it�ll cause my body in the morning, I can live with it. I loved being able to touch him again, without feeling like I had to hold myself back.

"I love you." I murmured, letting myself fall asleep. I drifted, letting my thoughts drift through my head and out of my conscious. The warmth of his body next to mine was enough to forget about everything that had been grinding through my mind.

I was at the point between awake and asleep when I heard something, something almost inaudible.

He whispered to me. "I love you, Mike."

I was drifting happily on the words until it hit me. My eyes flew open as the realization of what he�d said.

He�d always called me Michael. Never Mike.

I woke up when I heard a car door slam. Mike was still asleep in my arms, and I gently moved myself off the couch. He settled back, not waking.

Had I really heard something?

I stumbled over to the door, straightening my t-shirt and shorts in case it was the caretakers, checking up on us.

When I opened the door and saw Paul Comrie standing next to a car, I almost broke my teeth when I clenched them. He�d folded his arms, leaning on a vehicle I found eerily familiar. Janne stepped out of the driver�s side, dipping his head as he caught my glare. This wasn�t what I�d expected. This wasn�t what I wanted.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" I shouted, slamming the door shut behind me. I pointed at Paul, taking the few short steps in two strides to get closer.

He sneered. "Like you don�t fucking know, York."

"I told you, Paul, he doesn�t want to see you. You can go to hell for all he cares." I snapped, shifting my eyes to Janne. "Why did you bring him here? Why did you fucking tell him?"

"Mike, I�" He started, but Paul cut him off.

"Because he knows that Mike will be better off with me, than he would be with you." Paul stood off the car, closing the distance between us. "How much progress have you made, York? Have you helped him at all?"

I couldn�t form a reply. The words just wouldn�t come.

Paul laughed. "I didn�t think so. Get my brother, and we�ll go."

"No!" I yelled, shoving Paul a few feet backwards. "He�s not going with you. He�s not going back to Edmonton!"

"What the hell are you talking about?" He glared, confused.

My eyes swept from Paul, to Janne. Janne shifted, uncomfortably. What had Paul told him to get him here? I narrowed my eyes at him, before turning back to Paul.

"He doesn�t want his memory back. He doesn�t want to play hockey anymore." I lowered my voice, trying to make my point clear. I wanted Paul to know that it was Mike�s decision, not mine. Hopefully he�d understand. It�d be a miracle, but he just might understand.

He didn�t.

He lunged at me, grabbing my shirt by the collar and glared at me. "That�s not true. You�re fucking lying! He would never leave hockey. He would never do something like that!"

I brushed his arms away, pushing him back. "How would you know?"

"He would never do that to our father." Paul�s eyes pierced me, his fists clenched at his sides.

So Paul was doing Daddy�s work. I could handle that.

It was Janne�s betrayal that had slapped me in the face. Turning away from Paul, I caught Janne in my sights and frowned. He paled, trying desperately to disappear. How had Paul conned him into this? What could�ve he possibly said?

My jaw dropped when I realized it. I shook my head as Janne turned away from me. "He told you I cheated on Mike. I can�t believe you�d buy that, Janne. If you cared for me as much as you said you do, you�d know I�d never do something like that. I�d never hurt Mike."

Janne opened his mouth to speak, but he quickly snapped it shut again. His eyes fluttered around me for a brief second. I felt his regret, but I was too angry to really care. He had feelings for me, and I was angry enough to stomp them into the ground.

"You�re fucking stupid if you believe that." I hissed, before making the sharp turn back to Paul. "You both can get the hell out of here. Get out of here, and out of our lives."

Paul shook his head, defiantly. "No."

I didn�t need his shit. I was close enough, so I backhanded him. His head snapped to the side, and he brought up his hand to cradle his face. He took a few deep breaths before looking back up at me. He wanted to hit me, and I was expecting it. His fist had curled, and his eyes darted around my face. I�d readied myself to deflect whatever he through at me.

But we both froze when we heard the door to the cabin click shut. Mike stepped down towards us, his eyes red. Had he been crying? He quickly took in the situation, and met both our eyes. He looked at Paul, before turning to me.

I saw it in his eyes. It made my heart lurch and my stomach knot.

He sadly touch my arm. "Mike, can we go home now?"

I didn�t know how it had happened, but he was back to normal. Now I had a whole new set of feelings to deal with.

It was a week before they let me play in a game again. The crowd gave me a standing ovation, even though they had no clue where I went. Kevin put some positive spin on it, tying it all together with his magic. They bought whatever he sold them. This wasn�t Toronto, so they didn�t think we had to hide our injuries.

Despite the ovation, and despite the calming feeling playing hockey had over me, the week of hell leading up to the game wasn�t worth it.

Mike had become cold and distant towards me. He�s hardly spoken to me since we got back. Hell, he�s hardly even looked at me.

I remember everything, now. Everything and more. The memories I made while I had none overlap with the ones I had before. Beliefs, ideas, and feelings are all twisted in my head. I�m a jumbled mess with emotions, and the one person I could always count on, or at least thought I could, can�t manage to look at me in the eyes. That makes my heart hurt. All I wanted was just to have everything back to normal. And normal could be just about anything but the way it is now.

The game ended over an hour ago. I�ve been sitting on the bench, watching the workers clean up the last of the crowds garbage. Everyone has just left me alone. But at least they were glad I was back. I fell easily back into sync with Anson and Ryan, and our line played great. Eric was the happiest one to have me back, and I could see it in his eyes when he looked at me. Janne tired to hide himself from me, and I let him hide.

Both him and my brother could just disappear into the background of my life. Janne may have been just following his heart, and misplaced a belief, but Paul had no excuse to force himself into my life. His intrusion left more than a bad taste in my mouth; he reached down my throat and put an iron fist around my independence. I thought I finally freed myself from my father, and now Paul has taken up his role.

This is the closest I�ve been to hating my brother. I never thought I�d ever be pondering that feeling regarding my older brother. But it�s there, and it scares me. I�m scared and I can�t turn to Paul, or Mike. It�s very empty and alone here in my head.

Not really empty. There�s some one else in my head that Mike seems to love more than me. I still have his thoughts and his memories, but he isn�t me. He wanted to do nothing with his life. It wasn�t really nothing. It was laying in Mike�s arms, feeling his breath against my neck and his hands caressing my skin. His kisses seemed different when we were there.

I think he did love the other me more.

The other me. Now he�s got a title. It�s like he�s a real person, that�s just waiting to come back. If he ever got the chance, would he?

I sobbed, burying my head in my hands. This hurts to much. The last time I let myself cry was when I woke up in the cabin, suddenly aware of everything around me. I wanted to cry every night since then, but I didn�t. I couldn�t let Michael see this break me.

Mike, his name is Mike not Michael. He hates being called Michael.

I�m sure that�s what brought this me back. The one that�s rational, but apparently not good enough anymore. When Mike said he loved me, and meant it with all his heart, my response was to say it back. A reflex that has become innate, I called him Mike. And everything came back. When I woke up the next morning, I still clung to my amnesia. I thought that it was just some dream when my eyes opened and Mike was gone. I cried when I realized it was over and because I couldn�t have it back.

"Mike?"

I jumped, nearly falling over backwards on the bench. Eric looked at me with a small smile quirked on his face as he stepped from the aisle and to the bench. He saw my eyes, and his face turned soft.

"What�s wrong , Em?" He asked, sitting next to me. His arm fell over my shoulder, and I relaxed against the touch.

"It�s all wrong, Brew." I inhaled the smell of his leather coat and sighed. "Have you seen Mike? Is he still here."

"Yeah, he�s here. You came here with him, so he�d better still be here." There was bitterness in his voice. The bitterness seemed perpetual. It faded for a while, and they actually pretended to get along for my sake. That�ll be gone for a while.

"Oh." I managed to say.

His arm tightened around me. "Em, are you sure he still loves you?"

The gentleness in his voice almost makes me forget how angry he could get. It almost makes me forget that I thought he would just forgive me hurting him. I lifted my head, resting my chin on his shoulder.

"I know he loves a part of me." I sneered, looking away again. "But he�s just angry with the rest of me."

He was quiet for a while, before putting his hand on my knee. Eric cleared his throat, and I lifted my head again. "Do you really remember everything that happened when you were�when you were, you know?"

"You mean when you told me you�d be waiting for me if Mike stopped loving me?" I smirked, watching him blush. I kissed him on the cheek, before sitting up and out of his arm. "I remember that, Eric. Do you remember what I told you, though?"

Eric swallowed, his eyes falling and he turned his head away. I grabbed his chin, forcing him to look at me as he spoke. His mouth, slowly formed the words. "You told me that love isn�t meant to be wasted on waiting."

I trailed my hand up his face, smiling gently. "You can�t wait for some one forever. You have to act on it. Waiting for something you can�t have will kill that love. I don�t want that to happen to you. Find some one else, and be happy. It just can�t be me."

He forced a nod, straightening his coat as he stood. "I know you�re right." He turned away, moving towards the hallway to leave. He paused, glancing over his shoulder before he left. "But how long are you going to wait for Mike? It�s been a week. How much longer? A month? A year? You�re telling me not to wait forever, but that�s what you could be doing, when happiness is just a few meters away."

I didn�t respond, and he just walked out. Eric was gone for a half a minute before I turned away from the direction he left in.

I had to find Mike. Now.

Leaving the bench, I walked back to the dressing room with my head down. He was still here, and the only way I could keep my soul from sinking was to make him talk to me. Whether he wanted to or not.

I found him in the hallway, standing with Janne. They didn�t see me, so I ducked back around the corner to listen to their conversation. How long had they been talking? I was jealous, fisting my hands in my coat pockets, gritting my teeth. What if Mike really wanted Janne? What if I�ve been wrong all along?

Their conversation trickled into my ears as I leaned against the wall.

"I just can�t trust you, Janne. We both can�t trust you." Mike�s gentle voice made me close my eyes and flinch with hurt. "It wasn�t right."

"I know." Janne replied, meekly. "I could never apologize enough."

I peered around the corner to see Mike shake his head. "It�s not just an apology I�m looking for. I�m looking for something to repair the trust you�ve broken. I know Paul was pressuring you, but you shouldn�t have listened." Was Mike trying to make Janne feel worse, or make himself feel better? I felt the firmness in his voice, but couldn�t place the reason.

Janne was quiet, and when he spoke his voice was almost too low to hear. "Was he really lying?"

I saw Mike stiffen at the question. When Mike told me that my brother had made an advance on him, hell, almost had sex with him, I believed Mike. But, could he have been the liar?

Maybe it scared Paul that I had something that he didn�t have. I was always wanted what Paul had. He was older and had better things. The tables turned, suddenly, and he had to compete with me when I went to college. Not just with our father, but with life. Paul and I had been through so much together, and he went behind my back to get back at Mike. I don�t know if Mike spurned Paul by turning him down, or by some other means, but Paul came to the cabin to get back at Mike. There was no way he was acting in my interests.

Mike rubbed his temple before he replied. "Paul wanted there to be something between us that could never happen. He thought that just because my relationship with Mike was just beginning that I�d just throw him aside for some one with a little more experience. I didn�t want experience, and I didn�t want Paul." His face firmed as he spoke. "I wanted Mike. I didn�t know if Paul wanted a relationship or just some quick fuck, but I just didn�t want to hurt Mike."

Janne seemed to be dying a little more with each of Mike�s words. "I�m just like Paul." He said my brother�s name with a negative veneration that chilled me.

"No." Mike�s eyes widened. He saw the chill in Janne�s eyes, and pulled him into his arms. My pathos for Janne kept my jealously from rising. "You�re not like Paul. Paul�s a jerk who can�t get passed himself. Don�t think like that, please."

Janne had turned his head, and saw me. I froze as I looked into his eyes, seeing that hopeless despair you must feel when you know that the person you love doesn�t return those feelings. I remember dreaming up imaginary lovers Mike never had when he was in New York, and the sleepless nights those falsities brought me. Even when I told Eric to find some one else, I can still remember seeing the look on Mike�s face when he found out about Eric and me when he came to Edmonton. Seeing some one you love with some one else, no matter how much you want to see him happy, will break your heart every time.

So that�s why Mike and Eric never could get along. That�s why Paul and Mike avoid each other like the plague.

Mike whispered something to Janne, but Janne�s eyes were fixed on me. He pulled away from Mike, dropping his head. Mike looked around, confused until he saw me.

Mike looked from me, back to Janne, touching his arm. "Don�t think that this is the end of the world. I�m going to forgive you."

"You can forgive me all you want." Janne touched Mike�s face, giving him a look of longing. "That wont make you love me."

Mike shook his head. "I�m not the center of the universe. There are millions of people out there, better than me. Don�t think you don�t deserve one of them."

"I�m going now." Janne let his hand fall away and turned, quickly passing me by.

Mike watched him go before his eyes fell on me. We looked at each other for a long time before either of us spoke.

"Come here, don�t just stand there." He waved me over as he sat on the floor, sliding down the wall.

I sat next to him, and he took my hand. He kissed my knuckles, each individually, before speaking again. His eyes never left my hand. "I just had to explain to Janne what was happening."

"I know." I nodded. "He�s upset. I don�t want him to be, but he shouldn�t have done what he did. Neither should�ve Paul."

"Janne regrets it." He looks up to meet my eyes. "He wishes he could forget it."

I swallowed the lump in my throat, letting the words sink in. "You can�t just forget your regrets." I paused. "Like I wanted to."

We were both quiet again, but the tightness in my chest had to be lifted some how.

"Are you breaking up with me?" I blurted, catching him off guard.

"What?" He looked shocked. "Over this?"

My bottom lip quivered, but I forced it still. "Because you�ve been quiet, and I thought you were sick of me and all the pain I�ve caused you. I was pulling you in so many directions�"

He let go of my hand to grab hold of my face. He forced me to look at him, holding me with both hands. I met his eyes, and saw the tears he was holding back.

"Don�t ever think that way. There are only a small number of things in this world that would ever make me stop loving you. And this isn�t one of them. You haven�t killed some one, or anything like that. All you�ve done is shown me that we can�t always think that a change will be forever.

"I love you. Not for who you were, what you were, or what you�ve done. It�s not who you were, its who you are, and you will always be you, memory or no memory. Just because you wandered for a little while, saw what it was like to live without regrets, doesn�t make you a bad person. Just because I wanted to not come back here and deal with my reality doesn�t make me bad either. We wandered, but we weren�t lost. We came, and we�re going to deal." He tried to smile. "We�re going to get through this."

I wanted to believe him. I had to believe him. "I love you."

I saw him smile again, the real smile that I hadn�t seen in a week. The one that made the rest of the world melt away. The one that made me know he loved me.

He kissed me with the same tenderness I felt in all of his kisses. There was just love, no difference.

Or was there?

~end