American Hi-Fi
Another Perfect Day
I'm holding on, waiting for your call
it's simple but I can't explain this
I'm sinking down, I feel like I could die
I'm falling off I don't know why
I still believe it when you say
it's another perfect day
so I might try, to leave it all behind
I know tomorrow's not so bright now
I'll say goodbye, cause nothing good can last
you wear and fade you’re nowhere fast
and today, I don't know how
to keep it all inside
but I guess I'll let it slide
and today, I don't know why
I thought that it was real
but I guess it's no big deal

I know I looked lame, sitting in the commons room of the American Olympic Hockey team village building. Reading a book, all alone, in an empty building. Everyone else was off celebrating our win against Russia, the one that would take us to the medal that mattered, and I was sitting on the couch with the television and radio off.

‘Man, Yorkie, you’re boring’. I mused to myself as I turned the page of the tattered copy of ‘The Hobbit’ that I’ve read at least seventy times. I could’ve at least brought a different book.

The door slammed open, and I jumped. I heard murmured voices, followed by laughter. Setting the book aside, I leaned around the corner to see who’d come in.

"Hello?" I called.

My jaw dropped, and I fell off the chair. In the entrance way, in a very passionate embrace, were Doug Weight and Bill Guerin. Doug’s mouth was wrapped around Bill’s, but when he saw me he pushed away and glared at me.

"York! What the fuck!" Doug shouted. He wiped the drool off his face, and blushed wildly.

I snapped my mouth shut, but stared dumbly not saying anything. I scrambled to my feet, and tried to gather my thoughts. What had I just seen? Maybe they were drunk, really really drunk. Or maybe I was drunk.

"Uhh…" Was the most intelligent sound that came out of my mouth.

"Fuck, I thought you said no one was here!" Bill glared at Doug, and pushed passed him and into the common room. Doug followed, still scowling at me but focusing his attention on Bill’s beeline for his room.

"Billy, no, it’s just York." Doug had caught up to Bill, and grabbed his arm. When Bill wouldn’t turn to look at him, Doug got a hold of his other arm and forced him to turn. Bill finally faced him, but he wouldn’t meet Doug’s eyes.

"It just doesn’t seem like such a good idea now." Bill gave Doug an icy glare, and left the room, ignoring me.

I thought they’d forgotten about me. Doug ran his hands through his hair, and over his face. Taking a few steps away, I hoped that he was just going to go after Bill and leave me alone. I bit my lip, nervously. I should’ve just kept my mouth shut, and I would’ve been safe.

Doug suddenly spun towards me, his eyes clouded with anger. "Do you know how long it took me to convince him to have sex with me on this trip? I’ve been all over him this whole time, but he never wanted to have sex. I finally convince him, and you just have to be here! Jesus Christ York! Don’t you have a life!"

"Doug, I’m sorry." I managed to spit out. He was a good distance away from me, across the rug, but I was afraid he was going to hit me. I knew he wanted to hit me.

"Sorry? You’re sorry?" Doug threw up his hands, and collapsed onto the couch. He groaned, throwing his head back and staring at the ceiling. "You’re fucking sorry?"

I nodded, flopping onto my chair. "I can go if you guys want to…"

"He was always fucking scared of getting caught. He was always like that. In Edmonton, he was scared. When I’d visit him, he’d be fucking scared." He looked at me with less anger. He looked more fed up than anything. "He was worried if Hully or Cheli found out, we’d be kicked out of the games. I told him to forget about the games."

"Um…" He looked frustrated, and probably wouldn’t appreciate any of my stupid questions. "Do you want me to leave?"

"Wait, you’re okay with us? You’d just walk away and not tell anyone?" Doug eyed me with suspicion. "There aren’t many people in this world that would just walk away without asking for something in return.

I could feel the color rise to my cheeks. "No one has ever told on me. I’d just be repaying the favor."

Doug laughed sharply. "You? If you weren’t blushing I wouldn’t believe that."

"Yeah, well.." I trailed off, and shrugged.

"Where? On the Rangers?" A look of mirth spread over his face. "Is it Fleury?"

"What? Theo? Um, no." He shook my head, an half grin on my face. "I met him in college, actually."

Doug nodded. "So, he played hockey too?"

"Yeah." I smiled at the pleasant memories. "He was two years younger than me, and played for the state rivals. We saw quite a bit of each other before we hooked up."

"You went to Michigan, right?" He asked.

I nodded. "Michigan State."

"What was his name?"

There wasn’t something in his eyes when he asked me that. The look he gave me sent a chill down the back of my neck. He knew who I was talking about, I could tell. His eyes darkened as he watched me hesitate. God damn, he’d figured me out.

"Mike." I finally said.

Doug raises his eyebrows. "Mike Comrie?"

I bit my bottom lip, and nodded. "You played with him in Edmonton, right?"

Doug grinned, folding his hands behind his head. "You two still close?"

There was something about Doug that made my skin crawl. He didn’t care about the games at all. The pride of his country was on the line, and he didn’t care. He thought of this trip as a way to get into Bill’s pants. What did he know about Mike? I ran down the list of worst possible scenarios in my head as Doug waited for an answer.

I slowly shook my head. "I started playing in New York, and he went back to Alberta. We couldn’t make the long distance thing work. I haven’t seen him in a while."

There was a pause that I was thankful for. It hurt to think about how our relationship had fallen apart. I felt guilty for not trying hard enough. The last phone call I got from him was on my birthday last year. He’d left the message on my machine. I never got the courage up to phone him back.

"So, you fucked him right?" The words that came out of Doug’s mouth were so casual, he could’ve been asking me if I wanted my skates sharpened.

My mouth felt dry. "Uh…"

"Wasn’t he a bad fuck? Maybe it was just me, but he…" Doug stopped, noticing the shocked expression on my face. "What?"

Shaking my head, I tried to keep my voice from wavering as I spoke. "How can you just go talking about someone like that? You were his captain, and you had sex with him?"

A cocky grin spread over his face. "He was practically begging me for it."

I just stared at him, unable to move or say anything. If I said anything, I might regret it.

"Doug?" Bill was back in the room, and Doug looked over his shoulder at him.

"Hey Billy." Doug smirked. I hate that man’s smile.

Bill had changed into shorts and a T-shirt, and crossed the room to stand next to the couch. He gave me a short look, before looking back to Doug. "Maybe I over reacted."

"Maybe you did. Yorkie’s cool with it, anyhow. He had a fling with Comrie in college." Doug looked at me as if he didn’t give a shit about my feelings.

"Comrie?" Bill said Mike’s name with a chuckle. "The kid you fucked in Edmonton?"

Doug nodded, and they shared a laugh at Mike’s expense. I felt sick, and frozen to my chair. Doug grabbed Bill’s arm, pulling him on top of him on the couch. Bill laughed, going willingly. Doug pressed kisses down Bill’s face and neck, before remembering I was still in the room.

"You can go now, Yorkie."

I left the room without another word. I gripped at the spine of my book, turning my knuckles white. I practically slammed the door of my room as the sounds on the couch quickly grew louder and more rapid. I could almost hear the clothes hitting the floor, and it made me want to throw up.

Blinking back tears, I threw on a pair of headphones and listened to my c.d. player on full volume. The song didn’t matter, anything to keep those sounds out of my head.

My Mikey would never have meaningless sex. He would never be that weak.

I thought I was over our break up, but this just brings it all back down. All the hurt is back, along with some new complications. The questions floated around my head as I flopped onto the small cots we’d been given as beds. I wanted to call Mike and ask why. I wanted to call Mike and apologize for everything I ever did wrong. Hell, I wanted to call Mike just to hear his voice.

I fell asleep uneasily, and only for a few hours. An idea hit me. Maybe there was some one I could find in the village that could tell me about Mike. Maybe. I hope.

Enrique Iglesias
Maybe
If I had one single wish
I'd go back to the moment I kissed
You goodbye
No matter how hard I try
I can't live
Without you in my life
Maybe you'll say you still want me
Maybe you'll say that you don't
Maybe we said it was over
But Baby I can't let you go
I walk around trying to understand
Where we went wrong
And I can't pretend
It wasn't me
And it wasn't you
But I'm convinced
We gave up too soon
Nothing left to lose
After losing you
There's nothing I can't take
When I run to you
When I come for you
Don't tell me I'm too late

I left my room early the next morning, while everyone else was still busy with their lingering hangovers. Making my way towards where the Canadian’s were staying. I probably looked like hell when I knocked on the door.

Thankfully, Eric Lindros answered.

He gave me a quick half-grin. "Have they sent you to sabotage us, Mike?"

"We’re not that creative. Are Smyth and Brewer here?" I tried to see around Eric’s large frame in the doorway, but he purposely blocked my view.

"Yes…" He raised his eyebrows. "But who says I’ll let you talk to them?"

"Eric, please?" I asked. I heard how pathetically whiny my voice sounded, but I didn’t care.

He nodded, finished joking with me after he saw the pained expression on my face. "Yeah man, sorry."

He opened the door and I ducked inside. After he closed the door behind me, he cleared his throat.

"Rough night, York?" He asked.

I nodded. "I guess."

Eric knew me well, and knew that when I wasn’t sleeping I wasn’t to be messed with. He also knew that I didn’t sleep when I was up all night thinking about personal issues. I watched him put the pieces together, as he gestured towards the kitchen.

"They’re in there."

Eric Brewer and Ryan Smyth were sitting at the kitchen table, and both looked up at my sudden arrival. Eric put the spoon from his cereal into his mouth, while Ryan gave me a small smile in greeting.

"What’s up, York?" He asked.

I shrugged, standing in the doorway uncomfortably. "Not much." I was suddenly regretting very much coming here. They were both looking at me like I was from Mars.

"You can sit down if you want." Ryan pushed out an empty chair with his foot.

I gladly took it. I slumped into the chair and planted my elbows on the table.

"You look like shit." Ryan said flatly.

I smirked. "I feel like it too. You guys both played with Doug Weight, right? And Bill Guerin?"

Eric was ignoring me, eating his cereal, but Ryan nodded. He gave Eric a sharp look, before turning back to me.

"What about them?"

Christ, how was I going to ask Ryan about them without sounding like a complete idiot? "You knew about how they, um…uh" I groaned inwardly, and paused.

Luckily, Ryan was chuckling and nodding with understanding. "About how they buddy-fuck? Yeah, as discreet as they tried to be, most of us knew about them. Me especially. I played on a line with them for a long time, before they had a clue I knew. Why? They keep you up all night?"

"In a way." I dropped my eyes to my folded hands. "I caught them necking in the hallway, and they both flipped."

I heard Eric laugh under his breath, but he kept his focus on his Cherios. He brought the bowl up to his lips, draining the last of the milk.

"That’s them for you." Ryan shrugged.

"Doug started talking to me," I continued, "and we got on the topic of Edmonton and…" I looked up, squarely meeting Ryan’s eyes, "Did Mike Comrie really sleep with Doug?"

I heard Eric choke on his milk as he slammed the bowl onto the table. "Mike would never do that!"

"Eric." Ryan’s voice was level. "It’s true. Mike told me."

"Why?" Eric looked panicked, and asked the very question I wanted answered. Suddenly, Eric pointed an accusing finger at me. "And what do you have to do with it?"

"Christ Eric, he’s your boyfriend and you don’t know who he’s slept with?" Ryan’s words felt like stab wounds to my heart. Boyfriend? Oh god. I would’ve rather not known, and lived in my happy little world where Mike is as miserable as me and not moving on with his life. I would’ve rather not known that he was having frivolous sex and had a clue less boyfriend.

"I, well…" Eric looked flustered. "We’ve never gotten on that topic yet. He seems to tell you more than he tells me."

Ryan snorted in amusement. "You two rarely talk. Maybe that’s why you fight so much?"

"We don’t fight, we…" He turned and gave me a fiery glare. "Do we have to talk about this now? What do you know about Weight and Mike?"

Ryan rolled his eyes. "You both probably wont like to hear this, but before Doug was traded he was after Mike. Doug was always bitching about how Mike was ignoring all of his signals. But, the day before Doug was traded Mike showed up at his house and was all over him. At least, that’s Doug’s side of the story. Mike had never given me more than a gruff nod whenever I ask him about it."

"He’s been lying to me." Eric mumbled, leaning back in his chair with a bewildered look on his face. "I asked if he and Weight had had a thing, and he said no."

I’d been feeling uneasy since I’d set foot in the door. Now, I felt invisible too. I stood from the table, and mumbled something about being late for something. Eric waved his hand at me to wait as he gathered his thoughts.

"Wait, you’ve slept with Mike too?" He looked hurt, and I knew how he felt.

"Yes, in college." I tried to sound gentle, but words have more meaning than how they’re spoken.

I watched as Eric crumpled onto the table, his head resting on his folded arms. Ryan sighed, and put a hand on his quivering back.

"We’ll see you later, York." Ryan wasn’t angry with me. He was more concerned with Eric’s reaction to all the new information that had just been dropped in his lap.

Truthfully, I wasn’t sure how I was dealing with that same information.

I managed to slip out without incident. I made my way blindly back to my building, my mind working in over drive. Why had I thought that Mike would be as miserable without me as I am without him? Why had I thought that we could have an happy ending in the end, where we’d both admit we needed each other and work things out.

Why can’t life be as simple as I want it to be?

Numbly, I went about my day. I made it to practice, and that filled my focus for a good portion of time, but when I stepped off the ice I was back where I started.

Surprisingly, when we got back to the village, Eric Brewer was waiting for me. We found a small coffee shop, and after a long stretch of silence he spoke.

"Why did you and Mike break up?" He asked, staring at his coffee cup.

"We couldn’t manage a long distance relationship." I snorted in mild disgust. "Well, he couldn’t manage the long distance relationship and thought I was being selfish when I signed with New York. That just set me off, and I said some hurtful things. We broke up, and I’ve regretted it ever since."

"Oh." He managed a weak reply.

"How long have you two been together?" I asked, my voice low.

"Six months." He said shortly. "I don’t think it will be much longer."

"Why?" Surprise quickly filled my voice. "If I’d been handed a second chance with him, I’d take it."

"This is different." He finally looked up at me. "He lied to me."

I shook my head. "Does the lie hurt? Or does being lied to hurt?"

"Both." He murmured.

"Don’t give up what you’ve got, Eric." I said, some how giving advice to the man I’d like to see furthest away from Mike as possible. Well, second furthest. Doug Weight could go a little further south than St. Louis. "Talk it over, please? Don’t let what could be the best thing that ever has happened to you slip away."

"You really mean that?" I could see tears being held back in his eyes. "Did he really mean that much to you?"

"Yes." I finished off the last of my coffee and stood. "I’ll see you at he game tomorrow, Eric."

"Yeah, see ya." He didn’t even look at me as I left.

I leaned against the wall outside the coffee shop, and took a deep breath of the Utah air. Maybe if I went and laid on the bobsled track, some one would run me over. I should volunteer to join the skeleton team, and end my misery.

Mike had changed, and maybe I should too.

Vanessa Carlton
A Thousand Miles
Making my way downtown
Walking fast
Faces passed
And I'm home bound
Staring blankly ahead
Just making my way
Making my way
Through the crowd
And I need you
And I miss you
And now I wonder....
If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Would pass me by
'Cause you know I'd walk
A thousand miles
If I could
Just see you
Tonight
It's always times like these
When I think of you
And I wonder
If you ever
Think of me
'Cause everything's so wrong
And I don't belong
Living in your
Precious memories
'Cause I need you
And I miss you
And now I wonder....
If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Would pass me by
'Cause you know I'd walk
A thousand miles
If I could
Just see you
Tonight
And I, I
Don't want to let you know
I, I
Drown in your memory
I, I
Don't want to let this go
I, I
Don't....
Making my way downtown
Walking fast
Faces passed
And I'm home bound
Staring blankly ahead
Just making my way
Making my way
Through the crowd
And I still need you
And I still miss you
And now I wonder....
If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Would pass us by
'Cause you know I'd walk
A thousand miles
If I could
Just see you...
If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Would pass me by
'Cause you know I'd walk
A thousand miles
If I could
Just see you
If I could
Just hold you
Tonight

Laying in an empty bed isn’t that much fun. I thought I could handle it, because I slept by myself for the time before Eric, but I couldn’t handle it then and I can barely handle it now. I rolled my shoulders, uncomfortably, and took a long look at the clock. Time to get up, anyhow.

Eric was almost done in Salt Lake. He’d be home tomorrow. He doesn’t know how much I hate being alone, but he’d probably not believe me. Eric would just tell me that I’m not alone, and that I’ve got teammates, a brother, and a phone. When I’d tell him that’s not enough, he’d call me whiny.

I stumbled around my apartment, finding some breakfast and turning on the television. They were showing hilights of the US and Russia game the other day, and I numbly sat on the couch. I saw a flash of a face, and a blur of a name.

Mike.

They looked so happy when they won. The gold medal game was today, and I’d be able to see a lot more of Mike during that game. Mike and Eric would be playing each other. There was an empty feeling inside as I thought about him. I stretched out on my couch, and stared at the television. It was pointless to get out of bed today.

There was a knock at my door. I groaned, and looked at it. Maybe if I thought hard enough the door would open by itself.

"Mike? You up?" I heard Shawn Horcoff’s voice on the other side of the door.

Now I really had a reason not to get up.

"Go away, Shawn." I yelled.

I heard a key turn in my lock, and then the door opened. I was stupid to ever give him a key. If I owned fish that could be my excuse, but I don’t. It was also stupid of me not to chain the door shut when I got home.

"See, you are home." He grinned and set down a grocery bag. I tossed a pillow at him, and missed.

"I can charge you with break and enter, you know." I mumbled. He laughed and took off his coat. He hung it on the coat rack, and took the grocery bag into the kitchen. "I all ready ate breakfast, Shawn, so go torture someone else."

"You mean the half eaten bowl of fruit loops that I see on the counter?" He lifted up my cereal bowl to make a point. I buried my face in the arm of the couch. Maybe Shawn would bring me back the pillow I’d thrown at him.

"They’re not fruit loops." I retorted. "They’re imitation fruit loops from Safeway."

"That’s sad, Mike. Real sad." He suddenly burst out in a grin. "I brought groceries."

I wanted to choke him with some imitation fruit loops. Cheery morning people annoy me. It’s up on my list with bad dates, undercooked hamburgers, and Doug Weight. The first two make my head hurt, and the last two leave a bad taste in my mouth.

Through all my thinking, I realized Shawn was talking. Something about how he hated buying tomatoes or bread. Or something. I didn’t care. I flopped my head back onto the couch and watched the anchor man hype up the gold medal game they’d be airing later in the after noon. He sounded so enthusiastic as he introduced another recap of the games leading up to the final.

"Mike?" Shawn was suddenly standing over me.

"What?" I replied, groggily.

Shawn gave me a small smile. "You’ve got to have more energy than this. Why are you so depressing?"

"I’m not depressing." I looked up at him. "You’re just annoying me."

"You miss Eric, don’t you?" He grins, sitting on my bare feet. I didn’t look at him.

Shawn laughed. "You do miss Eric!"

I didn’t miss Eric. I missed Mike. But whatever Shawn wanted to believe, I’d let him believe it. He was looking at me, beaming with his knowledge. I looked at him, and he saw that look as a victory and slapped my leg.

"I’m right." He grinned.

I pursed my lips. "Weren’t you doing something in the kitchen? And I don’t miss Eric. I’m just bored."

"Bored?" He blinked at me. "Didn’t you go to Michigan for a while?"

I nodded, lightly. "Didn’t do me much good."

"Did you see Steven and Matthew?" He asked. We’d been friends in Michigan and he played with Mike. When Mike and I were having a rough time, when he started playing in New York and taking late flights just to be with me, Shawn kept me from losing focus on hockey and school. I always wanted to beat Shawn in scoring races and the little competitions we had, and that kept me going.

"Yeah. They said to say hi. And Steven says you still owe him fifty bucks." My trip to Michigan had been nothing more than a reminder about how much I missed being with Mike.

He scoffed. "I paid that asshole when I left. I’ll phone him and tell him I’m sending him fifty Canadian. That will stop his bitching."

"I suppose it would." The television was showing a sequence of cross country skiing, and I pretended that it was extremely important to watch and turned up the volume.

Shawn rolled his eyes. "You can’t stop me that easily." He grabbed the remote from me, and turned down the sound. "Did you go to your and Mike’s old place?"

I had, and I felt the hurt stab at my heart again. I closed my eyes. "I don’t want to talk about it, Shawn."

A smug look passed over his face. "You still miss him don’t you? I never did understand why you two broke up like you did. You could’ve made it work."

"He didn’t think so." I mumbled. My none gay friend Shawn was giving me chatty relationship advice as if he knew what he was talking about. I should tell him he sounded as gay as a purple carousel. That would shut him up.

"Tell me why you two broke up?" He asked.

After shaking my head, I opened my eyes. "I really don’t want to. And get off my feet. You’re making them go numb."

"Tell me and I will." Shawn wouldn’t settle for less than me spilling my soul, and the look on his face told me that he knew I would give in.

I took a deep breath. "Stories aren’t fun when you know the ending."

"Mike read you ‘The Hobbit’ more times than I can count, and you still enjoyed it." He answered.

He had me there. After another breath, I started in a hushed tone.

"Mike thought we should take a break for a while, that’s where the whole problem started. After I graduated, we spent some time together at the start of the summer. He thought it would be too hard on the both of us if we wanted to have something in two different countries. I didn’t want to believe him, and told him I didn’t want to." I paused, trying to find the right words for what happened as the memory replayed in my mind. "I called him selfish for not even trying."

Shawn nodded. "I remember the day you guys broke up. You both took it pretty hard."

"I loved him so much, and I couldn’t take being apart from him. He missed me just as much, because he told me that. I didn’t want to believe that things were going to change, and he…he was right all along that I couldn’t change with them." I snorted in disgust at my own actions.

Shawn looked at me with undeserved pity. "It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t Mike’s either. You would’ve just been too far apart. I see that now."

"No, it was my fault." I frowned. "I wanted too much, and I was the one calling him selfish. After I said that to him, he got angry. He told me that I needed to grow up and live with what I couldn’t have." I lowered my voice. "That’s when I hit him."

"You hit him?" Shawn’s eyes widened.

"I didn’t mean to!" I almost sobbed. "He left the next day, and I haven’t talked to him since."

Shawn swallowed. "I know you left out some stuff, but that doesn’t matter. It never had to end the way it did, you know?"

"Maybe it was better that way." I stared sadly at my hand. I got what I deserved when I got here because I couldn’t let go of Mike and I still haven’t learnt. Eric and I fight enough that we’ll be through soon, and then I’ll be alone again.

Shawn rolled off my feet and onto the floor. He stood above me, his arms folded over his chest. "You should really talk to him again, Mike. I know you care for Eric, but it’s not good leaving loose ends."

"So much wisdom coming from the guy who reads Archie comics." I gave him an evil look, and he just chuckled.

"Hey, Betty is hot." He sighed. "I’m going to get going. Are you going anywhere to watch the game?"

"No. Anson is boycotting it for not making the team and Jason still blames me for breaking his coffee table." I shrugged. "Where are you going to watch it?"

"I could watch it here." He raised his eyebrows in expectation.

"I don’t care. Whatever you want." I shrugged.

He winked. "It’s a good thing I already bought some chips, eh?"

"You’re a clairvoyant, Shawn." I watched the confused look cross his face and laughed. "I’ll see you later, Shawn."

"Um, sure." He waved, grabbed his coat and left.

Shawn was probably right. I did need to call Mike.

Maybe I’d think about it when Eric got back.

David Usher
A Day In The Life
Did You fell small today when everyone had gone
Cause I was beaten up and jaded by the news
And underneath the skin the truth is breaking through
So they just sewed me up and spit me out
And I can’t change it
I can’t change this
You, you take away the world
And I don’t even know myself now
So how can I know you
And I don’t want to die
And I don’t want to leave this place yet
Just give me one more try
My thoughts are floating as reality explodes
I’m whispering to each of you my friends
And all the moments seem to freeze frame through the room
All the colors are electrified
But I can’t see now
I can’t see now
You, you take away the world
And I don’t even know myself now
So how can I know you
And I don’t want to die
And I don’t want to leave this place yet
Just give me one more try
And I’m drifting through myself again
Tell me how I got so high
Where the conscience bends the air is thin
And I can’t change it
I can’t change this

I opened the door to Eric’s apartment and went inside. His place was dark and had been since he left for the games. But he would be back today. I smiled, lightly, at the idea that I wouldn’t have to sleep alone anymore.

I care for Eric, but not as much as he cares for me. I’m sure he doesn’t love me, but he could if we don’t break up soon. I’m no where near love, and it’s strange for me. Mike and I hadn’t been going out for a week when I was sure I loved him. And I’m still sure I love him. That’s what’s stopping me from falling for Eric, I guess, and I’m in no hurry to change it.

Even before Shawn had brought it up yesterday, I knew I wasn’t over Mike. It hurt when he didn’t call me, but he has a life too. I’m sure that he isn’t stuck on me as I’m stuck on him. He was always the one with more sense.

After grabbing a cloth, I did some light house work. I just cleaned off some of the visible dust, nothing through. I straightened what I could, and left what I couldn’t. If Eric wanted a clean place, he could just get a maid.

Ryan would be dropping Eric off after they got back from the airport.

I was actually excited. I was having an hard time keeping still as I watched the clock tick away. Some wine I’d bought was chilling in the refrigerator, and we could order dinner from some fancy restaurant. There was nothing specific planned, but I wanted it to be a nice evening. The playoff stretch would start after the trade deadline passed, so I’m sure that Eric and I will have few nights to ourselves.

Oddly, my eyes fell onto the phone as my thoughts trailed off. I wanted to dial Mike’s number in New York. My hand almost moved on its own volition, but I stopped it. That would be stupid. What would I say? ‘Good job losing yesterday, Yorkie. By the way, I’m still in love with you.’

Yeah, as if that would work.

I heard a knock at the door and I jumped to my feet. That had surprised me.

Walking the short distance to the door, I called out, "Who is it?"

"Some one who has to knock at their own door." Eric’s deep voice replied.

I couldn’t help but grin as I opened the door. He stepped into my open arms, and we shared a long embrace in the doorway. He lifted me up into his arms, and as he let me go I stole a quick kiss.

"Oh yeah, your superintendent said you’re evicted." I joked.

He rolled his eyes, but smiled anyhow. "Yeah right." He picked up his bag and stepped passed me into his apartment. I closed the door after him and followed him to his bedroom.

"I missed you." I said, which was half true.

He grinned as he threw his suitcase on the floor and sat down on the bed. "Really?"

I sat down next to him, running my hand up his leg. "Did you miss me?"

Eric brought his hand up and ran his thumb along my cheek bone. "It’s hard not to."

He kissed me, deeply, and I felt how much he missed me. His long arms encircled me, pulling me on top of him as he fell back onto the bed. Eric ran his hands up my sides and down my back. I broke the kiss to smile at him. I pressed my forehead against his.

"How was it?" I asked.

He shrugged, trailing his hand up the front of my shirt. "I was glad to be a part of it. We really were pressured to win, and we knew we could." Eric let his hand rest on my shoulder as he looked distant. He met my eyes for a long look, and I couldn’t tell what it meant. He was looking at me with hurt and mistrust. What had I done?

I blinked. "What is it?"

Eric’s mouth hung open, as it usually does when he’s concentrating. He licked his lips, then gave me a brief kiss on the cheek as he moved to sit up. I rolled off him, and watched as he perched himself on the edge of the bed. Moving to sit next to him, I tried to figure out what was going on.

"Eric?" I asked. I was getting worried. My mind was racing down the list of things that could’ve happened. Did he do something? Did I not do something? What did he expect when he got here? Balloons and a welcoming committee? He’d be getting enough bells and whistles wherever he went in the next few days, so why should he expect that from me.

"You know, Mike…" Eric trailed off. He gave me an angry glare before he turned away.

"What’s your problem?" Annoyed, I snapped at him.

He surprised me. He grabbed me by my shoulders and shoved me down to the mattress. His hands were like iron as they held me down.

"My problem is, Mike, that you haven’t been telling me everything." He hissed at me through clenched teeth.

Stunned, I stared up at him. "I don’t know what you’re talking about."

His grip momentarily tightened, before he let go. Eric quickly got to his feet and took a few steps away from the bed before speaking again. "I know about you and Doug Weight, Mike."

Oh fuck. The world had been pulled out from under me and I was falling. "Eric…"

"I asked you Mike. I fucking asked you if did anything with Doug, and you said no. Why did you lie to me, Mike?" He opened his mouth to say more, but he stopped and just shook his head at me.

"I…I…" I was failing to find the right words because all the wrong ones were getting in the way. "How did you find out?"

He kept his eyes level with mine. "Mike York told me."

I crumpled onto the bed with my face in my hands. Eric knew. Mike knew. I couldn’t hide anything. I folded my legs under my chin, and slowly looked back at Eric.

"You talked to him?" I asked, cautiously.

"He talked to me, Mike. He wanted to know why you fucked Weight, and so do I." Eric pressed, harshly.

"It was a long time ago, Eric, really." I met Eric’s, but he turned away.

Eric sneered. "It doesn’t matter how long ago it was. What matters is that it happened, and I want to know why."

"It was just one time, Eric. And it meant nothing to me." Why did I have a feeling that no matter what I said, he wouldn’t believe me. I just wanted to forget what happened between Doug and me. Ryan knows, but he doesn’t know the whole story. No one knows the whole story but me. And I want it to stay that way.

"Sure it meant nothing to you. I’m really sure." His sarcastic tone taunted me.

"Really Eric! I’m not some slut that would fuck anyone just because I want to!" I shouted at him. He spun as I raised my voice. I didn’t flinch.

"How would I know that? You seem to tell things like this to everyone but me. And don’t go telling me that this wasn’t important, because I think this is something that I should have known for a very long time." He scoffed, bitterly. "Mike York knew before I do."

"And what’s wrong with Mike York?" I replied, quickly.

"Nothing, except that he looked at me as if I’d taken you from him." Eric took a step towards me. "He still seemed to think the world of you, and thought that you were worth it. Right now, I’m not sure what your worth."

"He did?" I blinked.

Eric got angrier at my stupid question. "Yeah he did. Does he still mean the world to you?"

The question hung in the empty air for uncomfortable seconds. Eric was upset with me lying, but the truth would only make him more upset right now. Mike still thought about me. Doug must have told him something, and he had to find out the truth. As ashamed as I am about that truth, he was still looking out for me.

I finally found an answer. "No, Eric, he doesn’t."

"I don’t think that’s the truth." He frowned.

I shifted off the bed, moving to embrace Eric. He let me hug him, but he didn’t return it. Eric stood rigidly against me. Pulling away, I ran my hand along Eric’s face. He looked away and I stopped touching him.

"Why can’t you believe me?" I asked, my tone more sad than angry.

He lowered his head, still looking away. "I think you should go home, Mike."

"I don’t want to be alone, Eric." It was happening again. This was my fault, just as if it was with Mike. I was going to be left on my own, and end up running into the arms of someone I cared nothing about. Then I’d get hurt again. I didn’t want that to happen.

"Go home, Mike." He gave me a look of warning, and I took a few quick steps back.

"Eric, please…"

"Go Mike!" He shouted.

I took the hint, grabbed my coat, and left.

Eric called me an half an hour later and apologized. As he always does after we fight. I accepted, as I always do. What else could I do?

Jewel
Standing Still
Cutting through the darkest night are my two headlights
Try to keep it clear, but I'm losing it here
To the twilight
There's a dead end to my left
There's a burning bush to my right
You aren't in sight
You aren't in sight
Do you want me
Like I want you
Or am I standing still
Beneath a darkened sky
Or am I standing still
With the scenery flying by
Or am I standing still
Out of the corner of my eye
Was that you passing me by
Mothers on the stoop
Boys in souped-up coupes
On this hot summer night
Between fight and flight
Is the blind man's sight
And a choice that's right
I roll the window down
Feel like I'm gonna drown in this strange town
Feel broken down
Feel broken down
Do you want me
Like I want you
Or am I standing still
Beneath a darkened sky
Or am I standing still
With the scenery flying by
Or am I standing still
Out of the corner of my eye
Was that you passing me by
Sweet sorrow - He said call tomorrow
Sweet sorrow - He said call tomorrow
Do you want me
Like I want you
Or am I standing still
Beneath a darkened sky
Or am I standing still
With the scenery flying by
Or am I standing still
Out of the corner of my eye
Was that you passing me by

Trade deadline day was tomorrow. There was a scratching feeling in the back of my mind, like a dog trying to get out of its cage. I hated that feeling. It was unsettling. Unsettling and mysterious.

Powderfinger
My Happiness
I see your shadow on the street now
I hear you push through the rusty gate
click up your heals on the concrete
waiting for a knock coming way to late
it seems an age since I've seen you
countdown as the weeks trickle into days
so you come in and put your bags down
I know there's something in the air
how can I do this to you right now
if you're over there when I need you here
my happiness is slowly creeping back
now you're at home
if it ever starts sinking in
it must be when you pack up and go
it seems an age since I've seen you
countdown as the weeks trickle into days
I hope that time hasn't changed you
all I really want is for you to stay
I know I know I know what is inside

I hung up the pay phone, from calling Mike, and leaned against the wall next to the phone. The angry woman behind me grabbed the receiver off the hook and glared at me. I rolled me eyes and moved away from the wall.

I woke up around three, with Mike shivering against me. He was cuddled next to me, resting his head on my bare chest and his arms across my stomach and around my back. But he was shivering. The sheets were tossed around the bed, draped over us at all angles.

Staind
Excess Baggage
Well I know the words, but I can't really speak them
To you
And I hide all the pain that I've gained with my wisdom
From you
And I'm eaten alive by what I hold inside
All the things that I live with I can't easily hide
And I'm left here with nothing, nothing to live for
But you
It’s not easy to hide
All this damage inside
I'll carry you with me
Until I'm not alive
When you look at my face, does it seem just as ugly?
To you?
I can't seem to erase all the scars I have lived with
From you
I'm so sick of this place
This taste in my mouth
Cause of you I can't figure what I'm all about
And I'm left here with nothing, nothing to live for
But you
It’s not easy to hide
All this damage inside
I'll carry you with me
‘Til I'm not alive

I never meant to lie to Mike.

But I think the future is what I need to be focusing on right now.

Mike and I made it to Skyreach Center on time. He kept looking around nervously as we pulled into the parking lot. After giving me an apprehensive smile, he took a long sweep of the looming building in front of us.

Dave Matthews Band
The Space Between
You cannot quit me so quickly
Is no hope in you for me
No corner you could squeeze me
But I’ve got all the time for you love
The space between
The tears we cry is the laughter that keeps us coming back for more
The space between
The wicked lies we tell to keep us safe from the pain
Will I hold you again
These fickle fuddled words confuse me
Like will it rain today
We waste the hours with talking talking
These twisted games we’re playing
We’re strange allies
With warring hearts
What a wild eyed beast you be
The space between
The wicked lies we tell that hope to keep us safe from the pain
Look at us spinning out in the madness of a rollercoaster
You know you went off like the devil in the church
In the middle of a crowded room
All we can do my love
Is hope we don’t take this ship down
The space between
Where you smile and hide
That’s where you’ll find me if I get to go
The space between
The bullets in our fire fight
Is where I’ll be hiding waiting for you
The rain that falls
Splashed in your heart
Ran like sadness down the window into your room
The space between
Our wicked lies is
The hope to keep safe from pain
Take my hand
Cause we’re walking out of here
Right out of here
Is all we need dear
The space between
What’s wrong and right
Is where you’ll find me hiding
Waiting for you
The space between
Your heart and mind
Is the space we’ll fill with time
The space between
The tears we cry is the laughter keeps us coming back for more
The space between
Our wicked lies where we hope to keep safe from pain
The space between
The space between

I sat on Mike’s couch, with Mike sleeping against me. We’d be leaving for the rink soon, and I’d have to wake him up.

Big Wreck
Blown Wide Open

So'm all surrounded
By the things I thought I'd put away
An'm all surrounded
By the things I thought I'd put away
An there s a pile in the closet
That's where I threw some yesterday
Maybe under the rug
That's where I swept some the other day
So the mess is drawing forces
Outside I hear them say
Just come out with your hands up
So we can blow you away
And I walk out the door
Get blown wide open
By the things I'd put away
And I wasn't even warned
Just blown wide open
Now the mess is where I lay
So'm all surrounded
By the things I thought I'd put away
So'm all surrounded
By the things I thought I'd put away
And if I'm a slob
Well I never looked at it that way
Irresponsible
Well you're not the first to say
But I told her I'm sorry
I never wanted it this way
Yeah, I still need her
But the mess won't go away
And I walk out the door
Get blown wide open
By the things I'd put away
And I'm out on the porch
Just blown wide open
Now the mess is where I lay
Yeah, blown wide open
Blown wide open
Blown wide open
The gun's still smokin'
Blood keeps flowin'
Blown wide open
Why's she going
All surrounded

I’ve never played more focused hockey over the past week. That’s probably because if I ever stopped moving, I’d end up thinking about Mike or Eric. Once that happened, then I’d be useless to everyone.

Creed
One Last Breath

Please come now I think I’m falling
I’m holding on to all I think is safe
It seems I found the road to nowhere
And I’m trying to escape
I yelled back when I heard thunder
But I’m down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say
Hold me now
I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking
That maybe six feet
Ain’t so far down
I’m looking down now that it’s over
Reflecting on all of my mistakes
I thought I found the road to somewhere
Somewhere in His grace
I cried out heaven save me
But I’m down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say
Hold me now
I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking
That maybe six feet
Ain’t so far down
Sad eyes follow me
But I still believe there’s something left for me
So please come stay with me
‘Cause I still believe there’s something left for you and me
For you and me
For you and me
Hold me now
I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking

~York's POV~

I was screaming as Doug brought the stick down at Mike. In a blur, I heard nothing but the sickly sound of cracking bone. I knew I was screaming, but I didn’t hear it.

~Comire's POV~

Mike’s eyes rolled back in his head, and he fell onto my chest. My throat clenched as I felt him limp against me.

~York's POV~

Voices. Distant voices. The voices whispered in my ears, pulling me awake. They told me to wake up. I don’t know why. Was I asleep?

~Comrie's POV~

I watched Mike’s eyes droop shut. Shawn stopped talking when he realized I wasn’t listening. He walked over to the bed, and put his hand on my shoulder. He’d called Doug, because he wanted to protect me, not to hurt me. I wasn’t angry. I was angry when I though that Eric had called, but with Mike it was different.