| Chapter 35 "Would you like something to drink?" Dr. McKenna asked. Nick shook his head. "Alright, then I guess we can get started. Yesterday you said that you were abused when you were 13, right?" he asked. "Yes," Nick said. "Were you in the group then or was this before?" he asked. In, we were just starting out, Nick typed. "I see, and the person who did this to you, was he associated with the group?" the doctor asked. Nick nodded, He was an assistant manager. "So he was someone that had authority over you, so to say," Dr. McKenna said, jotting a few notes in Nick's chart. "Yes," Nick said, suddenly feeling nervous. Dr. McKenna looked up at him, "Go on over and get yourself something," he said, gesturing towards the small frig in the room. Nick got up and walked over, opening it up and grabbing a bottled water. He had half of it drank by the time he made it back to his seat. Dr. McKenna smiled at him, "It's alright to be nervous. Most people are. Just remember, if you don't feel like talking about something, we won't. I'm not gonna force anything out of you that you don't want to say, alright?" Nick nodded, feeling a bit more relaxed. "How long did the abuse go on?" Dr. McKenna asked. Nick thought for a while: I'm not sure exactly. We were gone for almost a year. It started not long after we left and ended about a month before we came back. "I see, and what made it stop?" he asked. Nick smiled: Brian. "Brian? He's another member of the group, am I right?" he asked. "Yes," Nick said: He's my best friend. We shared a room while all this was going on, and I guess he figured it out. "So you didn't tell him what was happening to you?" Dr. McKenna asked. I was scared to. Tim told me if anyone found out he'd ruin our careers and hurt the guys. So I kept it to myself, he typed. "That must have been rough on you, carrying that burden for so long," the doctor commented. It was. But there wasn't any other options. He could have done exactly what he threatened to do. I couldn't let him hurt my friends, Nick typed, tears welling up in his eyes. "So you stayed silent to protect them," Dr. McKenna said. Nick nodded, looking down at the floor. The doctor watched as Nick fought to keep his emotions at bay. "And after all this happened, you never sought treatment for it, until now?" he asked. Nick shook his head: I couldn't. I didn't want to believe that it really happened, and with our careers taking off, I couldn't do it. If it got out that I was seeing a shrink, or the reason, it would've ruined our reputations. "So why now, after all this time are you seeking help?" he asked. Because I can't control it anymore. The memories are so real, like it all happened yesterday. And I can't lose Diane over this. I love her, and I've been pushing her away along with everyone else, he answered. "I see, so what made you realize this?" he asked. Diane threatened to leave me if I didn't get some help, he typed. "So you're here for her, not because you want help," the doctor said. Nick shook his head: I do want help, I was just scared to come. I don't trust people very easily and this is so personal. Only Brian really knows everything that happened, and I had a really hard time telling him. Even now after all this time, I still can't talk about it, and I was afraid that I'd get here and you'd want all the details and everything. "Well I guess that would be a valid fear," Dr. McKenna said, "But don't worry, I don't want the details, unless you feel like sharing them." Nick nodded, breathing a sigh of relief. "Let's get off this subject for just a little while. Tell me about Brian, how did you guys become friends?" the doctor asked. Well, it started when we drew straws to see who would share rooms with who. None of us really knew each other very well then, and me and Bri got the same room. I think at first he didn't know what to do with me because I was so much younger than him, but we quickly found out that we had a lot in common. He was fun to be around, and really seemed to care about me. He protected me, like he was my big brother�and really he is, all the guys are. They practically raised me. "So it seems like you guys are really close then," he said. Yeah we all are, but me and Bri kinda have this weird thing with each other. It's almost like we know when something's wrong with the other one without even being there�it's hard to describe. Kinda like two halves of the same person sometimes, Nick answered. "Really? You know friendships like that are hard to come by," the doctor commented. Yeah, I'm lucky that in my life I've found two people that are like that with me, Nick typed. "Two? Who's the second?" Dr. McKenna asked. Diane, Nick typed. The doctor smiled at him, "From what I see she is a very nice girl." Nick nodded, smiling. Nick watched as the doctor flipped through his notes for a moment. "Nick, I wanna go back to when all this started for a minute. Can you tell me how it started?" he asked. Nick bit his lip, fidgeting in his seat. "It's alright, you can tell me as little or as much as you want," the doctor reassured him. He nodded, looking out the windows for a moment. The memory was vivid in his mind, and tears left his eyes as he began to type. It was after a really bad rehearsal. Tim called me into his hotel room to discuss how I could improve what I was doing on stage. He yelled at me for like the first twenty minutes. Said I was making the group look bad, and he could replace me anytime he wanted. Then he got up and locked the door. I asked him why he was doing that, and he slapped me so hard I fell to the floor. He picked me up and pushed me against the wall, threatening to hurt the guys if I told anyone what happened. Then he started kissing me and touching me through my clothes. I tried to fight him, but he was a lot bigger than me. After about an hour he stopped and threatened me again, then let me leave. I went back to my room and locked myself in the bathroom for a long time. I couldn't figure out what I did to make him do that to me. Brian kept asking me what was wrong, and I told him that Tim yelled at me, and I was homesick. He seemed to buy it and left me alone. That's how it started, and it just escalated from there. Dr. McKenna handed Nick a tissue, "Nick, you know that what happened wasn't your fault. You did nothing to make this happen to you." Nick shook his head, wiping the tears from his eyes. "What makes you think you did?" the doctor asked. Because he told me I did. He said that he was going to leave me alone, but that I was just to damn irresistible. That if I didn't look the way I did, he never would have done any of it, Nick typed. "Nick, we can't help the way we look. He was just trying to take the blame off himself. You didn't do anything to make this happen, and for you to be able to put this behind you and move on, you need to believe that," the doctor said. Nick stared at the floor, forcing himself to stop crying. He hated crying, especially in front of someone he didn't know very well. "Nick, it's OK to cry," Dr. McKenna told him, "You can't keep everything inside of you anymore. That's what got you here in the first place." Nick reached down and picked Misha up, holding her in his lap and crying into her soft fur. Misha nuzzled against him, licking his hand as he cried. Dr. McKenna waited until he was able to compose himself a little, then handed him another tissue. "I think that's all we'll do today," he said. Nick nodded, trying to erase the evidence of his tear fest before he went into the waiting room and faced Diane. "You're welcome to use my bathroom to freshen up if you'd like," Dr. McKenna offered. Nick got up and walked into the room shutting the door behind him. He stood in front of the mirror and looked at himself. His eyes were red and puffy from crying. There was no way he was going to hide that from her, but he splashed some cool water on his face just the same. When he walked back into the office, he didn't look quite as bad. Dr. McKenna was playing with Misha when Nick walked back in. Nick had to smile at the sight. Misha on her back, kicking her legs as Dr. McKenna rubbed her tummy and talked baby talk to her. Dr. McKenna smiled at being caught, "I love dogs. Have three myself." Nick nodded, picking up his computer and grabbing another tissue, just incase he needed it for the ride home. "Alright Nick, I'll see you Thursday morning," the doctor said, "But if you need me before then, you have my numbers." Nick nodded, taking Misha's leash and heading out the door. Dr. McKenna watched as Diane got up and hugged him for a moment before they left the office. "Something makes me think we've only scratched the surface with you," he said, turning and going back to his office to prepare for his next patient. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "So, how was the shrink?" John asked, sitting across from Nick at the table. Nick glared at him for a moment, then went back to looking out the window. "You better not be talking about me, you know what's gonna happen if I find out you said something," John warned. Nick pulled his computer over: I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about the other bastard in my life! John got up and walked around the table, forcing Nick to stand up and look at him, "Why do you hate me so much? All I'm doing is loving you." Nick stared at him, Sick fuck! John could see the disgust in Nick's eyes, but he also saw fear, and that's what he played on. "Come on, upstairs, you know the drill," John said, shoving him in that direction. Nick trudged upstairs and into his room, sitting on the bed when he got there. This had become their routine. Diane would leave and they would go to Nick's room, John would give him a half of a pill and then Nick would endure whatever John felt like doing that day. John had been true to his word though, he was taking it very slow with Nick. But Nick could also see that John was getting impatient. He knew John wanted to do more, but somehow he always managed to stop before he went to far, before he threw Nick into a panic that he couldn't control. Nick held his hand out, waiting for John to hand him the pill. "I don't have one today," John said. Nick looked up at him, a �why not?' look on his face. "Because they will react with anti-depressants. Sorry, but from now on you're gonna have to do this on your own," John answered. Nick looked back down at the floor, willing away the tears he felt coming. He'd already cried enough that morning to fill a swimming pool, he didn't want to cry anymore. John sat down next to him and pulled his face up, "I'm sorry it has to be this way, and I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with it. Why didn't you tell me you were that depressed?" Would it have mattered? Nick thought. "Nick I love you, what I'm doing is out of love," John said. Nick shook his head, glaring at him. "You may not think so, but it is," John said, taking Nick's hand in his. Nick pulled his hand back, getting up and walking to the windows. He couldn't do this on his own. He need that little pill to take the feeling away. If he had to feel what was happening to him, he knew he'd never make it. "Nick, don't try my patience," John said, walking over to him and turning him around to face him. As Nick turned he balled his hand into a fist and punched John right in the mouth. John staggered back, holding his hand over his lip, checking for blood. "Oh you are gonna regret that," he spat, lunging for Nick. Nick tried to run, but John tackled him to the floor, crawling on top of him and using his body weight to hold Nick down. "Stop struggling or Miss Diane is gonna find herself in a whole world of hurt," he threatened. Nick forced himself to stop moving, staring up at John, not knowing what to expect. John smiled, "Well, that's much better. I dunno what got into you, but that won't happen again will it?" Nick shook his head. "I didn't think so," John said, leaning down and kissing him fiercely. Nick tried to make his mind go somewhere else. He thought of the ocean, boring meetings with management, endless interviews ... anything but what was happening to him. But try as he may, none of it worked. He could still feel everything John was doing to him, every kiss, every touch. John stayed on top of him, grinding their hips together as he kissed and touched his way over Nick's body. He pulled Nick's shirt up, running his hands over his chest and down his stomach. Nick turned his head, closing his eyes and let himself cry. Then Nick's body went rigid when he felt John undoing his jeans. "No!" Nick screamed, trying to get out from under the larger man. John looked absolutely frustrated, "Nick, it's gonna happen sooner or later, so why not now and get it over with?" Nick shook his head, "No." The look in John's eyes made Nick shiver. John grabbed him by the hair and drug him over to the bed, "Fine, if you won't allow me to do it, then you're gonna do it!" Nick struggled against him, but John forced him to kneel in front of the bed as he unzipped his jeans and displayed his manhood. "No," Nick said, trying to pull out of his grasp. "Nick stop!" John yelled, "If you don't do this, I'll make sure that girls mama wont recognize her!" Nick immediately stopped struggling and stared at the floor. "If I feel anything other than pleasure, I will hurt her," John threatened, "Hell, I'll make you watch it. Teach you what happens when you don't do as I tell you," he laughed. Nick looked up at him with wide eyes. The look on John's face telling him he meant every word. John pulled Nick's head in between his legs, "Now get on with it." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Here, wash your face," John said, handing Nick a wet wash cloth. Nick was leaning over the toilet, having thrown up at least five times in the last five minutes. Nick took it and held the cool material to his forehead, still feeling sick. John leaned against the counter, somewhat amused at Nick's reaction. "It couldn't have been that bad," he said. Nick glanced up at him then looked back down into the toilet. John laughed, "Well it wasn't from my end anyway. If I'd known you could use your tongue like that, we would've done this a long time ago." That was it, Nick heaved into the toilet until he had nothing left to throw up. John shook his head. He felt sorry for Nick, but at the same time, he was still reveling in the pleasure he had experienced only a few minutes before. "Hurry up, she's gonna be back any minute," John said, disappearing back into the room to make sure it was as they had found it. Nick flushed the toilet, but didn't get up. He still felt sick, even though he knew he had nothing left to throw up. His skin was crawling, and all he wanted to do was curl up in a ball and die. He laid his arm on the toilet rim and rested his head on it. As he laid there he notice how clean the toilet was. I need to tell dad to pay Diane more, he told himself. Then he smiled, it was amazing what his brain was thinking. He had just experienced one of the most horrible things in his life and he was thinking how clean the toilet bowl was. John came back into the room, "Nick, she just pulled into the drive. Get up." Nick shook his head, coughing a few times to let him know he was still sick. He wanted to see how John was going to explain this. John groaned in frustration and left the room. Diane walked in, noticing the guys were nowhere to be seen. "Di, we're up here," John said, walking out of Nick's room. "What's wrong?" she asked, going up the stairs. "Nick's sick. He said he didn't feel good and wanted to lay down. I followed him up here to make sure he was OK, then he started puking," John explained as they walked into Nick's room. "He doesn't feel like he has a fever or anything," John went on as they entered the bathroom, "I'm thinking he might have eaten something that didn't agree with him." Nick had to stop himself from laughing. That had to be the understatement of the decade. Diane knelt beside him, checking his forehead for a fever. "Baby, you still feel sick?" she asked. He nodded, averting his eyes. He knew if he looked at her he'd cry. "Can I get you anything?" she asked. He shook his head, still holding the wash cloth to his face. Diane and John both stayed in the bathroom with him as he sat there. He wanted to throw up again, but knew he couldn't, so after a few minutes he got up and moved to the sink. He washed his face and rinsed his mouth out, then walked past them both and headed downstairs. Diane and John followed him. Nick sat down on the couch and turned on the TV. John gathered his things to leave, as Diane sat on the coffee table looking at Nick. "Are you feeling any better?" she asked. He nodded. John walked over, "I'm gonna take off. If you're still not feeling well just have Di call and cancel tomorrow, alright?" Nick nodded, seeing the look John gave him, he knew better than to do that. "Thanks John," Diane said as he headed for the door. "No problem, it's my pleasure," he called back before leaving. Nick cringed, I'm sure it is, you sick bastard! Diane got Nick's attention, "Do you need anything?" He nodded, taking her hand and pulling her over to sit with him. Nick settled down into her embrace and forced himself not to cry. "What do you need sweetie?" she asked. "You," Nick said, as he hugged her to him, "You." Chapter 36 |