Chapter Eight

‘Smoke ‘n’ Mirrors’

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As light vanquished the night away from its way the morning came in the wake of things. Streets of the city were once again filled with people as they hurried off to their jobs and appointments. Angela and Ben were a part of the hectic scenery as well with their strange appearance as they walked down the main street.

Her hair was laid open upon her frail shoulders. She had changed her clothes and was now wearing jeans and a black heavy-metal t-shirt. Her worn leatherjacket covered her bruised arms. The other hand was still in a bad condition; it’d take some time for it to heal completely.

Her walk left no sound. Her trainers touched the asphalt softly, but the noise was still hitting Ben’s brain, making him look at the young woman beside him. She hadn’t spoken much after the breakfast. It might’ve been because he hadn’t left. It also might’ve been because she was afraid his charm would finally find a way through.

Ben didn’t think so. If she’d been the regular type he usually met she’d been all over him in a heartbeat. So either she was blind or she didn’t really give a damn for his looks. It was frustrating to try and figure out which one would prove to be true.

Angela sensed his stare, but didn’t bother to say anything. Whenever she tried to reason with Ben she usually ended up too near him and panicked and caused another disturbing moment of silence like this one. Everything was just way too weird between them and at the same time so normal. The breakfast had been so normal. It was like they’d done it for ages. The situation after breakfast had been normal as well, but her reactions had turned the tide once again leaving only silence in its wake.

She feared that feeling of normality, ‘cause she knew she wasn’t able to give him what he wanted. Couldn’t he see how thorn she was?

“Why?” was the word that came out of her mouth spoken softly with a calm tone in that usually such a harsh voice. Angela was having trouble talking – again. Ben pressed his head down a bit. His eyes couldn’t focus anywhere anymore. Only she was walking in the same reality with him.

“I don’t know” his quiet voice answered and his left hand was clutched into a fist within his pocket. The same black jacket was around his body, preventing the too prying eyes from seeing what he carried with him. His hand was holding a gun there. He’d been carrying one with him ever since Eva had been knocked down with single a bullet the size of her fingertip.

This time she didn’t let the silence fall. It always made her uncomfortable no matter who she was with. “I can’t give you anything. You know that don’t you?” Angela stopped so she could see his face. Ben was moved from her honesty. “I don’t want money. I just… hell I don’t know what I want. Is it too much to ask that I could be with you?” Ben shrugged swallowing his agony.

They continued to walk. Talking only made things more complicated between them. It was much easier just to be there, together on that street. She didn’t feel like asking questions anymore. He couldn’t answer them and neither could she. What was it that she’d thought of when she’d asked him to come with her?

Had she wanted to shock him? Yes.

Had she wanted to know him? Yes.

Had she wanted to share everything with him? She had no idea...

She hadn’t planned this. She had never believed that he’d turn out to be what he was. It was strange to look at him and know that that angelic appearance was deceiving. He’d killed for her. He was still there…

Ben tried lighten up the situation. He wanted to know more about Angela who was covered in secrets all over around… To solve the mystery that was Angela, could it be something he really wanted? No one else had ever pained him like this.

“What does a girl like you do for a living?” he asked and tried to cover the fact that he was interested in the answer, by looking a way a bit too cheerfully. Angela’s steps started to go wrong the same minute she heard his question. It took her awhile to get it fixed before she could throw another cynical comment in: “You should know by now…” Silence. “…steal cars…”

It was strange how sorry he felt for her. They were both so alike; always living a life ready to leave everything behind at any day. They only walked the side roads, never showing their true face to anyone. She could’ve gotten a job easily, but instead she just stole a car every now and then and when she ran out of money she just stole a new one and sold it to the black market. Not a very feminine job.

“I’m sorry…” His world had changed. He wasn’t alone. She’d share his nightmare. Ben was trying hard not to break. For once someone would take care of him. Isn’t that what every human longs for? Someone to be with? Did this longing make him a human? He felt so unreal suddenly. Could it be that he could actually forget the pained past and its nightmares and depend on someone?

“No reason to be. I’m good at what I do and there’s really nothing else I could do instead of it. Besides – by the looks of your skills your profession doesn’t have the highest moral either?” Angela had relaxed a bit. She was now changing the course of the talk to a safer subject which was Ben himself. He would never understand why she lived like she did.

Angela didn’t sound so sorry. Apparently she too had been living by the rule: do what you must to survive. Ben tried to think of something smart to say, but nothing came to his mind. He sighed barely out loud. Lying had never been this hard. What about the truth then?

“I steal” he dared to simplify. Angela didn’t seem so surprised. Probably nothing could make her freeze up. “So you mug old ladies and buy breakfast to young women so you could seduce them?” she asked clearly enjoying the thought. Her bright face made even Ben drop the dark act. “Right about” he nodded in amusement.

They’d reached now the barriers and sector cops were all around the place. It was seriously dangerous to be so near the sector checkpoint. When Ben noticed this, his hand reached out for the gun. It wouldn’t be enough to save her, if Manticore decided to drop in for a cup of tea. He started searching for a safe place.

Angela was checking him out. His god-like appearance would’ve been fit in any pre-pulse beauty magazine. Any woman would instantly love that face, so why didn’t she? Why did she have to be so god damn handicap after all of these years? She longed for the gift to forget, but she wasn’t getting it, not even now.

Angela forced herself to focus on the people around them. A fat lady with a headband was selling jewellery on her right. There were a few sector polices talking to a bearded biker, who seemed upset. His hand had a tattoo of a skull. Angela’s hand fell over her hip. Something touched her mind lightly, but she couldn’t hold onto it. Reality came as swiftly as she realized what the word police meant again. Shit.

Ben wrapped his arm around her body pulling Angela closer to him. She let him do it, because at the moment she just wanted to vanish into thin air, be invisible. If they’d recognize her… He hunched a bit so he could whisper something to her ear. “I’m thinking you too aren’t a friend of the police?” he asked clearly sarcastic about her reaction to seek safety out of his massive body.

Angela wasn’t up to this. She let the words slip. No use to listen, he was just mocking her. If they’d know her face, they’d take her back, she’d have to live that hell all over again. She didn’t want to. It was her freedom she was holding on. It had been the reason to live for so many years. She wouldn’t go – Angela froze as Ben’s lips touched her ear by accident. That little gesture had her whole body going overlaps.

“I say we ditch this scene and find a calm place to sit down and talk for awhile” He spoke again and this time each word was heard. He was teasing her: doing it slowly, when he couldn’t make her self-control crash with a quick strike. She hated him now, but still she followed him when he took her to a small cafe near-by.

They nearly ran to the café on the other side of the street hand in hand. Angela nearly felt her heart jump to throat, as she thought of the worst possible scenarios for this situation. She buried the desire to look behind her, when he led her inside the comfy room filled with different looking people. Right after they got in she pulled away from him. That annoying male was definitely using every situation to his advantage; she thought and gave him a mean face before she marched to the other end of the room sitting on a corner table.

“You just have to admire that girl…” Ben spoke to himself before he followed the tempered lady to the table. He sat down on the other side of the table so he could see her face, when she spoke. Those forever changing expressions were actually more essential in figuring out her thoughts than words. It was interesting to find out more and more about her. How large would she be, if her entire existence had been put to a form of knowledge? Would he ever know enough?

Ben tasted the words a bit in his mouth. It was fascinating to be around her, see how she took every movement and act. Her reactions were so alike to his. It was like they both were strangers to this world and they both were just learning to get along with it. They really walked the side roads day and night, but still he found it somehow safe to be with her.

Angela gazed at him. What was he thinking? What questions would lay beneath those hazel eyes, if she dared to approach? Suddenly a worry grew strong within her. How long could they go, before she wouldn’t be able to continue anymore? She was fooling herself. This wasn’t the answer. His pretty face and charming act was simply blinding her eyes from the truth. He would hurt her.

“You mind if we play a little game?” he burst out all of the sudden. He’d definitely caught Angela’s attention with the question for her lively blue eyes looked now somehow brighter than before. How could her eyes be so capturing? Ben moved his head a bit to his right shoulder trying see through the blue.

“I usually want to know what I am attending before I say ‘yes’ or ‘no’. Only God knows what your sick mind could develop in such a short time.” She had taken the defence line and the witty words were simply an attack against him. Anyone with less self confidence would’ve been beaten down by her rejecting act. Too bad for her, Ben had never been lacking in that department.

He just smirked in his own charming, self centred way, women usually mistook for the sign of interest. Angela wasn’t too thrilled of it, she knew it meant trouble. A waitress came to them and took one good and long look at Ben, before she realized to ask if they’d want to order anything. Ben made him comfortable and relaxed a bit while Angela was still looking absent minded and a bit closed up.

The waitress didn’t even notice her being there; she was so under Ben’s spell that no force could’ve made her miss a single word that he let escape his lips. Angela didn’t find herself amused at all. Did these women have any taste at all?

Finally the waitress left them alone and his attention was pointed to Angela again. She’d lifted her legs on the sofa she sat on and tied her hands around them. She was keeping her distance quite clearly. The position was a bit childlike, but then again one of her most charming features was the almost childish way to act, when she felt secure.

“Yes?” Angela asked lifting her eyebrows eyes full of warmth. Ben laid his hands over the reddish oak table to get closer to her. It was covered in breadcrumbs and some sticky stains that marmalade and butter had left behind.

“We both ask questions in turns. The questions can be as intimate as the enquirer wants, but also the enquirer has to answer the question, so that cuts off the measures the questions can be formed in a bit.” She knew immediately that this wouldn’t be good. It would be insanity to take up the challenge, so why did she take it?

“Deal. I’ll start.” Angela was in the game and she’d even blurted out the answer more than fast. Ben leaned backwards and put his eye on her. He really wanted to hear this one.

Angela put up a friendly smile and freed her legs to touch the floor. “So, Ben, since you started this madness I dare you to tell me something very personal.” She tasted her words a bit and let her mind wonder off somewhere far. What’d be a question she could ask and answer herself? Ben seemed more than calm, when the waitress came back carrying two cups of coffee. She let her eyes linger over Ben for awhile, when she saw Angela’s sour face and hurried off.

“Tell me about your family?” Angela asked and took the warm cup in her hands. Ben froze for a second, but took over the situation quickly. “Well I had many siblings. Thirteen actually.” He started, but before he was able to continue, she was already interrupting him. “Thirteen? I see your father was taking the Bible a bit too seriously.” She muttered dryly.

“Let’s not go into that one, ok?” he had no intention to clarify the situation for her. She run out the building screaming if she’d know what he really was. Dark thoughts dwelled inside Ben again. His hands were reaching out for the gun. “You don’t get along with your father then?” Her question brought a picture of Lydecker’s cold face to his mind. Lydecker’s face when he stepped out of the light with a gun in his hand after he’d shot Eva. “I hate him” Ben said by instinct.

He just ended up shaking his head. He wasn’t Ben’s father! Lydecker was nothing that a fucking bastard to him. He’d made his life hell. Ben pressed his head down to take cover from her confused eyes. “I loved them all. All thirteen, but the dearest of them all was my little sister, Syl. She’d always be by my side.” Ben said after awhile deciding that he’d drop the subject as soon as possible.

“I was an only child. Never had any sisters or brothers, but my parents loved me. I don’t even remember my mother so well anymore. Even dad’s been fading more every day.” Angela spoke with sadness making Ben realize something: She must’ve been an orphan for talking about her parents that way. Immediately he felt bad for her, for he at least had a family out there. She had no one, but maybe Ben.

“I don’t remember my mother. I never knew her.” Ben confessed and laid his hand over her small hand. That hand seemed so small in his. Yet after a few seconds Angela took the hand away. She apparently wasn’t up to any solace. “Sorry for you.” Were the only words spoken.

“My turn then” he cheered up and drank his coffee. It’d gotten cloudy and windy outside and it would probably rain soon. Sunshine never lasted long in anything. “What was your first boyfriend like?” he asked leaning backwards again. The question was supposed to lighten up the situation, but instead a dark cloud landed upon her face. It was like she’d shut herself even deeper inside. “Angela?” Ben asked waking her from her thoughts.

“He was older than me and very immature. It didn’t last long for he was always on the move and once I wasn’t interesting anymore, he’d already split. It was better that way.” Ben wasn’t buying her carefree act quite completely. Maybe it was the dark look and the constant blinking. They’d taught them to recognize liars back at Manticore and her body language wasn’t mixing with her speech. Ben let it slide.

“My first ‘girlfriend’ was a nice girl from around the block. Very sweet and caring, but she just wasn’t really my type. Most of the time I felt like she was taking care a dog with a broken leg or something.” He explained and shrugged. Angela sneered at her. “You do have that helpless look some times, you know.” She teased. “I do? Why isn’t it working on you then?”

“Could it be because I’m really the helpless one and you’re the knight in a shining armour?” She was definitely throwing sarcastic comments there. “You are? When did that happen?” Now it was his time to hide hidden meanings in his words. Angela ended the game with a cheerful comment: “My turn. I ask you this: What is the dearest item you posses?”

“Talk about hard questions”

“Just answer”

“That is exactly what I’m doing here”

“No you aren’t”

“Are you gonna let me answer or not?”

“I’m not stopping you”

“Well maybe it’s your charming personality that makes me unable to focus on anything besides you.”

“Charmed I’m sure”

“Have I said that to you?”

“I don’t list all the things you say”

“Well you should”

“Just answer me.”

Ben took a moment to gather his thoughts while Angela drank her coffee. The whole situation was strange. He was telling her more about himself than he’d ever told anyone and he was doing it while they drank coffee. I must be out of my damn mind. Ben pushed his hair off his forehead. He shouldn’t have let it grow, but then again the longer it was the better it hid his barcode. Had she seen it already?

“Well this is going to be a long story.” He noted while staring out of the window. “I think I can handle it.”

“I’m sure you can” Ben coughed and wet his lips with the edge of his tongue. Damn… when had his lips gotten so dry? “It’s a pendant. The only thing I have left of my siblings. I haven’t seen any of them in a long time. The pendant reminds me about them.” He put his hand inside the shirt and pulled the pendant out showing it to Angela. “It’s beautiful…” she said leaning over the table. With a quick move Angela pulled the pendant and Ben a bit closer so she could see the pattern.

Ben felt slightly uncomfortable in the position. Angela was pretty close as she examined the golden pendant closely. He could smell her hair… “…I’m a ladies man…”Angela whispered remembering Ben’s words some while ago and let go of the pendant. They were left close to each other. It would’ve been so easy to touch, to kiss, but they both pulled away. Ben realized his veins very already pumping battery acid for her. The way she leaned backwards trying to hide her embarrassment, was making his heartbeat go wild. She was feeling this too, she wanted him as well!

What was his victory of escape compared to this moment?
What was the heat of the chase compared to the joy of being with her?

“You gonna answer to your own question at all?” Ben sneered. Angela gave him a murderous face, but she answered him quite quickly: “My knife. You see it has a great emotional value to me…” Not quite the answer he’d been expecting to hear…

Ben had nothing to say to her. The entire conversation had weird from the beginning and apparently Angela had turned on a resisting leaf somewhere in the middle. "That's not funny." Ben said staring at her dead serious. "I fear you." Angela whispered all of the sudden and as she blinked he saw how close she was to crying. Ben moved quickly to the other side of the table, so he could take her closer, give solace.

Angela just stared out silently, when he sat down next to her and took her in his arms, pressing his face against that dark curly hair. She was innocent underneath it all, still a child, who was forced to grow to fast. All of her actions had grater meaning to her than he'd expected. She couldn't lie without him noticing it. She was weak at heart, he could sense it now.

"I cry a lot: Must be very amusing to you. Just another freaking chance for you to play a hero comfort me and pull me close and try and get to me." Angela's voice was so angry, so bitter. Ben just held her closer and looked away. "You should know by now that I have no intentions of sleeping with you. Hell, I couldn't even do it if I wanted. I may look pretty on the outside, but I'm still so sick on the inside." She continued and tried to struggle a bit to make him realize he wasn't wanted.

"I won't let you go. Say what you will, but I won't let you go. Not now. Not until..." In the middle of his speak, she pushed him away roughly and got up marching out of the café without looking back. Ben pressed his head. He didn't know what to do. He didn't know her and still he clung onto her knowing that he wouldn't be free of the spell cast upon him, not until he could make her understand that he was for real.

Ben faced the worried waitress who came to him after Angela was out of sight. "You ok?" she asked and looked at him with her brown eyes. Ben looked at the pretty blonde and saw nothing but the same lust he saw in everyone's eyes. He hated those women, who turned him into a dream knight, twisting his flesh until he was nothing like himself. So instead of answering he got up fast and went after Angela. He wouldn't lose her. Not know that he knew it was her insides that he wanted; not the shell and grown woman with intelligent eyes, but the child in her, the innocence he lacked.

Angela strode forward run by her anger towards Ben. Why did he have to be like that: So understanding and different? She wasn't used to people who opened their hearts to her presence. He'd been honest that night, while drinking in the trunk of the stolen car. She felt secure and good for the first time in years. Why couldn't he just go now, before anything bad happened to him?

Angela stopped and turned to a dark side alley. When she was enough far away, she just leaned against the brick wall and closed her eyes. There was no escaping from herself, no escaping the horrors experienced so long ago. And she'd thought there just might be a chance. That had been the reason she hadn't run away from that church. He was to be her saviour. It was until now that she realized just how painful the salvation needed here would be.

"Angela?" Ben voice called out as the X5 walked over. He stopped there right in front of her broken figure. If only he could see her mind, she thought while opening her pained eyes. Ben was about to open his mouth, when she jumped at him, tied her arms around his body and pressed her lips against his to desperate kiss.

Ben was confused, but even through it, he still answered the kiss deeply with a feeling that couldn't be faked. It was strange how a kiss like that could affect him so much, could mean so much. Angela tried to hold onto him, be with him in the moment, but she couldn't help the battling feelings inside. She pushed him away from her feeling only disgust mixed in fear and hatred. Once again she'd lost her inner battles gaining only another reminder of her weakness and broken mind.

"That is all I can give you Ben." She said moving away again only to be grabbed into his arms again. He shook her body asking angrily: "Don't lie to me. Why do you do this? Why do you pain us both?" Angela wanted to tell him, beg him to save her, but he couldn't do it. She was the only one to fight her battle. "Because I have no other choice." She said waiting for Ben to let his arms fall like they did after awhile.

She walked away now, leaving him there to think about her words. She was now left with only the knowledge that for a second there, she'd felt the same beauty that he had.

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