Dear Dairy
I can�t get anything right, no-one likes me, I get bad marks in school, I dun have any real friends, my new girlfriend told me that she didn�t even know who I was or why I kept following her around all day� she�s just like my old girlfriend yesterday and the one that dumped me on Monday� nothing ever goes right for me �cause nice guys like me always finsh last, it�s like some sort of law or something
I suck at nearly everything, like sports and stuff and I can�t skate and I can�t surf and I can�t do anything, so I spend all my time at home sitting in front of my computer and talking to all my real friends who really care about. All my friends have ICQ, they always send all sorts of cool messages like �forward this to 20 people in your list and your ICQ will turn into a giant rainbow flower� URL�s. But when I try to do it, it doesn�t work! I really have to be really hopeless if I can�t even forward a URL properly!
I guessed there was really no hope for me and I was like heaps depressed and stuff �cause things never went right for me. Anyway I was reading this brochure I got from the library, (which is where I hang out) about depression and the high rate of suicides in the country due to people suffering from depression. So then I went away to make myself some coffee but then I remembered that I was out of coffee powder stuff so I couldn�t make any and hadn�t drank any coffee in two days which was actually pretty bad for me, because I'm usually always drinking coffee.
Suddenly I realised that I was feeling really depressed and should commit suicide, �cause that was what depressed people did. So I racked my brain, trying to figure out good ways to do this and thought about cool people who commited suicide in movies. Then I got one of those brain-waves and opened up my bathroom cupboard and took a whole bunch of vitamin tablets because they are good for you and boost your brain power. (The secret for my idea is that I see even the famous people in the movies take a whole bunch of tablets to make them smarter and better at suicide). Anyway, as I almost choked �cause I was trying to swallow heaps of the tablets so a few of them landed in the bath-tub and I had to pick them up. The vitamins worked really fast and I like almost immediately got an idea! So I got my electric heater and sat in the bathtub with it turned on, but I don�t think it was working, because it wasn�t plugged in �cause the cord didn�t reach and I couldn�t find any extension cables�
Then it all clicked together in my brain!
I realised that this was why they tell you do talk to someone as soon as possible if you were considering suicide was because I would just screw it up!
If I had talked to someone about it before I started I could have planned it out properly and not have screwed it up like I always do!
So decided I may as well call this suicide hotline they had �cause they were experts and knew what they were on about and I dialed up the number and they put me on hold!
Oh well, there probably were more important people who needed their help in things than me, so I decided to do it the old fashioned way� I got onto ICQ
I started asking my friends in a big mass message and only two people responded, one of them told me to blow my brains out� so I huffed and I puffed and I kept breathing out really hard but my brains didn�t fall out, so that didn�t work� man I must really suck at everything!
The other guy was called forgot... and he told me to just throw myself out a window� so I tried that
I�m so proud of myself!
Today I commited suicide!
I even sticky taped �Goodbye Cruel World!� onto my forehead before I did it so it would look good!
I got up and fell out of my ground floor window, but wow it sucked!
I got back to ICQ and told him that I commited suicide and threw myself out of my window and bruised my knee and that suicide sucked and that I thought people did it �cause they wanted to end their pointless lives�
But my life still sort of felt pointless after I did it, so I guess I must have screwed up again and messed things up, this sucks�
Anyway he asked me what I was doing and I told him I was writing in my dairy and he asked �what about?� and I told him about how I decided to commit suicide today and he asked me if he could see it and he said it was great!
And he even asked if he could put it on his website!
I guess I don�t totally suck after all, �cause people actually want my stuff! I�m going to write more diaries and stuff in the future and stuff!