I've been waiting for this for some time. I knew it was coming, even though I had no idea what to expect. It was a huge decision, and yet it was one of the easier choices I've made in a long time. It'll be cool living with one of my best friends. Hanging out with Logan the other night was great, except for that damn tequila. I'll have to remember to stay away from that stuff. It certainly doesn't agree with me.
4/27/03
I had an interesting self-actualization today. I remember waking this morning and feeling particularly secure and comfortable. It was quite wonderful. I woke from a dream where I was cuddling quite fondly with someone (that I hardly know, but wish I knew better). Her legs were intertwined with mine and her arms caressed me with an embrace that didn't just cradle but enveloped me. I woke then, to find myself wrapped up tight in the blanket, almost mummified. I can remember wrapping myself up in a blanket like that so that I could fall asleep. I didn't feel confined, but rather protected. It was something that I've grown accustonned to over the years. Perhaps that's what part of my "fascination" with rope bondage comes from. hmmmm..... But that's not what struck me when I woke up. It was the sense of security, warmth, even love that I felt that made me not want to open my eyes to find that it was just a dream. I just can't understand why it is that I was so consumed when I woke up. Sounds to me like my heart is racing for something that my head knows but doesn't understand. I'll figure it out I'm sure. But I wonder what good it would do if I didn't have the courage to say it? Would it be better that way? I wonder just how refined these empathic skills are.... Or Maybe there's more to it than I even know. I do know that some of that security comes from being sacure in my own identity. Maybe part of it is the longing to find a lover that is patient. intelligent, and is willing to understand me. It seems like too much effort to put forth to someone if they really don't care to want to understand me.
Cumfy. Finally got situated iamong all these pillows and blankets. It's something that I just do. I have 6 pillows and 5 big soft blankets that I cuddle up in until I'm conpletely enveloped. I guess I just feel secure from it. Like the security of touch, or many ofher things. I know that way that I'm not alone. Perhaps that is what bethered me. It's one thing to be by myself when I fall asleep, but to feel alone in the company of another.... Anyways, I can always find comfort and other things in the flight of my dreams....