It's moments like this that help keep me frustrated and delighted with the balance and humanity of life. On one hand you have the most incredible thing countered by one of the ugliest things. One part of your life can so quickly make up for another. But it's not really just my life that holds this balance. It's the entirety of existance that holds this balance. I just happen to be at the right place at the right time to personally witness and be affected by both equally. What sucks the most is that once in a while, when I'm blessed enough to see, I'm given a glimpse. I know my purpose but not my path. And once in a while the way is lit. I know what I'm supposed to do. Sometimes is it more difficult to do the right thing than it is to do what you're supposed to? I know that I will never know the delight or pain that is in store for me unless I leap with faith...
...I have faith....
What do you have?
8/7/04
It's not so strange. Have you ever found yourself there? ...and yet your mind and soul are far far away...
8/19/04
I haven't written her in the last couple of weeks. It's not that I don't care to share my thoughts. I simply haven't had the time. I have been working hard lately and extending myself so that I can "reap the fruits of my labor", if you will... The money itself doesn't really mean too much to me. It's the power that it gives to be able to do what makes you happy that is so important to me. And when you're lucky, it doesn't even cost money. Sometimes it takes courage, effort, will, faith, or even fear. I've lived with the fear of regret, as most have. But when it's something that is important to me, I'm all in. I'm not completely afraid of winning or losing big. It's the regret of never knowing that is most the tormenting. I guess that might be partly what drives me to such extremism (is that even a word?) and intensity with so many different things. The other part is my sheer delight in it all. That's also why I guess I don't like to settle for just "good enough"...
9/23/04
Conversations with myself...
The outer Alex that lives, grows and learns in this reality, is strong guided, deliberate and versed. He can handle the world and most anything that it throws at him. This self-imposed figure of an icon that thrives to grow, nurture, teach, share and save, is so full of strength. The inner Alex, that rarely comes out for anyone to see, is so vulnerable, weak, helpless, innocent, pure and raw, like a child untainted by the reality of life. Rarely does Inner-Alex find the courage to come out from the protective arms of Outer-Alex in anticipation of being accepted by another. This blind, foolish child leads itself merely by impulse and instinct, with no conception of consequence. This is such a humble state of being. And with every harsh blow from the outside world, I helplessly watch this child lend itself to the tormenting and beautiful experiences of life. But there's always more times than not, where I have to watch and let go of the child to find its own way. And when it gets hurt, watch it turn on the parent in a tantrum of fury and pain to retalliate from the rejection of feeling unprotected. Watch me lie to myself and feed the bullshit about optimism and fantasy just to let go and see me self-destruct. It's like a lie, just to see a failure in the making. "Well, fuck you Alex! How could you let me blindly walk in this minefield?! Did you really think I could survive this? Do you even give a shit?! Fuck you for setting me free when I needed you most!"
It's up to you...
Few times in your life are you ever really offered a profound opportunity to impact life. I have grown tired of fighting "the machine" to little or no avail. The key is to overcome the fear that restrains you. Otherwise, the one who really misses out is you. Harmonization of energy can only happen with the influence of will and choice. With all the bad things that have happened and can happen, there are still wonderful opportunities to live, grow, learn and love. I don't know where I go from here. But I do know that something's got to give...
There's a certain beauty in misery. I'm not afraid to explore the extent of my own pain and sadness that comes from this sense of invalidation. I've willingly delved into this... It was all a result of choice. There was a night, several months ago, when I was particularly lucid and made a decision to venture into a realm where I was vunlnerable and free. In this divine journey, I was pure. As a result, I fell helplessly to whims of this inner child. I started to fall in love. For me, love is not a choice, but allowing myself to fall into it definitely is a choice. And though I sit here broken, as I have ever been, I would chose to do it all over again tomorrow. You see, being in love with someone for the rest of your life merely consists of falling in love over and over again, with the same person. Though I have the courage to do so, I will forever have this spiritual fear...