Oh how the pendulum swings... You put a lot of energy into it and push it on it's way, just to find it come right back and bash you. That's just how it feels sometimes. And I'm feeling it again. It must be nice to be able to turn to someone and have them really listen to you, have them really wonder about how you feel, have them really want to see YOU, have them tell you just how wonderful you are, have them be open and honest with you, and have them love you for it. I know, it must be...
Oh, how I wish I knew the answers. How I wish I knew what to do, and I wish I knew what I was really worth, and why...
10-16-02
It's pretty frustrating not understanding how these firewalls work, especially when it keeps me from updating my pages... Well I hope this will work. But we'll see...
Alex and computers... what a love/hate relationship...
It's really amazing how smothly and how rough my life can be, but it's hardly ever slow or boring. I've started to get used to the manic routine of things lately, and that's pretty bad. Last night I was so tired that I passed out by 7:00. I remember waking up in a panic at 7:45 when the phone rang. Waking up at 6:00 a.m. felt almost no different. I was just as tired as when I layed down last night. Where the hell did this rest go? It must have needed a vacation as much as I do. Oh well. So much for any recooperation for the weekend. I just know that this weekend will be filled with tons of things to do. Hopefully I'll enjoy some of them too. But there's no rest for me. You see, the more time goes on, the more I realize that my time is really not mine. It becomes filled with the schedule of obligations and catering to others. My generosity is starting to reach its limits. Or maybe it's really my patience. Or maybe I'm just tired of people's impositions, games, and lack of gratitude. Everyone is always so eager to call me when they need something, but rarely call just to say "hi" or anything else. I feel like people must think that I'm sort of super-hero or something. If you have a problem "Just call Alex! He'll take care of it!" I don't mind helping my close friends. It's all the other "leeches" that come slitherring to me for help. Fuck it!!! I'm fucking tired... It's my time for a break. I'm glad that I'm not needing help. I'm not saying that I have my shit together, but I'm no fool. I know just how many helping hands there would be if I called out for help. And to those that would, "Thank you."