LIFE WITHOUT MY SON ~ by lilangel_son
Well what can I say? It sucks!! Let's start off by saying that this is a feeling that none deserves. My heart feels like there is no life without my son, my baby MY Brandon. Do I go on from here? I don't know, I am lost and I am mad. Mad because I don't have him anymore. How could my God put me through this?? Why was it my baby, so happy, so smart, so much of my heart? That's what invades my life now, the question 'WHY?'. I will never know the answer to that one, oh but how it haunts me. How so many things haunt me!! Yet still I must get up everyday, I must breathe and carry on. How can I be a good mom to him when he is gone and I am not with him to keep him warm or guide him home along the way??No matter how hard I try, I just cannot believe that he is gone forever, I mean, never again to hold his hand, see his hand, see his smile or hear him laugh or cry. But this is what has been handed to me.
So I get up everyday, I pretend that I am okay.., that I am truly not dying inside. Oh the mask that I wear, too scared to show the way I feel. You see, the way that my son died is not a way that people can understand so they run from me. They claim its because they don't know what to say, but in fact, they do not know how to accept this most unbearable act. You know, I have to say ditto, I mean how am I supposed to feel when my baby makes such a choice and then my friends leave?? NO TIMING CAN BE WORSE THAN THE PRESENT!!! You know what I mean, we've all been there. But there isn't any pain that can over do this one, does that make me dead inside? Or am I already there? So I say again, LIFE WITHOUT MY SON?????? Do you have the answer?
I make myself get out of be everyday, I force myself to go to social events, I stop the tears (they are mine), I pretent that I will be strong and I shall but, Ont knowing that, that is what I need to do for my sweet little Brandon. If only the whole world could have known him, you would have loved him. Never as much as I do but, you would have loved him. I know that there are many of us out there feeling this pain...you are NOT abnormal. You are NOT the reason. Everything you feel is the same as us all. Your emotions are yours and do not let anyone tell you that they aren't! Worry about you, at this point, trust me, thats all we have.
So, now we know each other, though we have never met, my God the connection is not one that is fair or easy. I'm going through it, I found my sons body. But I have to make or do something. I can't just sit here. That would make his death senseless and though it may just have been, I have to carry on his message. Pain can be unbearable when you feel alone!!!!! The words need to be said, we all have to stop being ashamed, the one we loved completed suicide. We will continue to die a thousand deaths without them and with our demons that they chose to leave us. But I strongly believe that knowledge is the power. Let us stand as a nation and be aware of al things, even ones that aren't easy to discuss. Let's pull together to find strategies for some resolve. Think about it, how good would you feel if you knew that you had saved someones life? As far as suicide goes, if you educate yourself, you can and maybe will do just that. Don't be ashamed, scared or afraid of this issue. We need strength and endurance to get us through the life that has been handed to us... |
