letting

LETTING GO.....

         Realizing that I had to take a cold hard look at myself, come to terms with things and let go of everything that was bad and wrong in my life was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. To the point that I don't ever want to go through that again..It was the hardest and at the same time it was the best thing to ever happen to me. When I took at look at what I was really all about, everything from my past came rushing back. Not that it ever went anywhere mind you, I'd just put it on the back burner for so long..I'd become so numb to it. So it started there....I began with the memories, going through them in my mind, feeling those horrible feelings all over again and realizing there were feelings there that I'd never noticed before, like anger, rage even. An unbelievable rage! Knowing that I had this in me though explained alot. Realizing the sorrow I had hidden in me explained alot too..Then I realized that I needed to deal with these things.So with the first part done, (I had taken a REALLY cold hard look)...next was coming to terms..that was hard.

     I had grown up believing that I wasn't worthy, I'd convinced myself that I was ugly and stupid and would accomplish nothing in life. I was fully convinced that I was destined to be a loser..I was born (that was a mistake which is why I was put up for adoption), I was adopted (why? I have no idea considering what went on), I was a dropout, (because I wsa too dumb to understand or learn anything), I was a whore (well thats all I was good for right?), I was party gal, (well hell for someone like me thats all there is)...this was my mindset for many years..And it was time to change that. I had to come to terms with the fact that these were all shitty excuses I was hiding behind. What was I hiding from? Life...and .my fear of it. I needed to start believing in me..Not easy.

     What did I want out of life? What did I want for my children? Did I really want to be a drunken doped up stripper well into my 30's?? What was I afraid of as far as life and living goes? What was I angry about? What was I good at other then turning men on and shotgunning a can of beer?..Finding the answers took time and I shed a lot of tears, and I got madder than all hell but I pulled it off. I finally learned to accept ME. I finally came to terms with the fact that NO I can't change the past,as much as I would love to, believe me! I finally came to terms with the fact that YES damn it I AM a good woman (just a good woman in hiding), I AM a great mother and I AM worthy or life, love and happiness. Most of all though, I came to terms with the fact that I needed to CHANGE! So how the hell do I do that?!

     Letting go....first and foremost I needed to "let go" of some of my "friends"...this was hard because I'd known these people for years..they were pretty much the only friends I;d ever really had. The scary thing about letting go of them was the fact that without booze and drugs I honestly didn't know the first thing about meeting new people!! Not a clue! It was bad enough that I am a naturally shy person but to try and make honest, decent friends without the partying part?!?! FORGET IT!! I let go anyway....as scary as it was. Next was letting go of my job. I had to get out of there..sure I could have gone to a different club but in all reality it's just as risky and easy to get dope no matter where you work in that industry..besides it was time to get out of that business anyway. I was a mom now and I want to set a good example for my children not to mention the fact that I really didn't like the idea of strange men paying to see where my kids came from if you know what I mean...Anyway, I also needed to let go of my anger and hatred and my sorrow too...Unfortunately I wasn't sure how to go about doing that. More crying...more thinking...and a whole shitload of writing and reading...

    I wrote letters to my abusers...I wrote letters to the people in my life that I was angry at for messing with me.. I even wrote letters to myself, telling me that I was angry with me or to get my head out of my ass and look at my beautiful children etc etc...Writing letters to vent your anger actually works, of course I never mailed any of them. Instead I would write them then either tear them up into little pieces and throw them out or burn them..I used to write poetry and short stories that were actually good, now they suck but it helps get out my frustration.

    Sorry if I am rambling but this is coming straight from my heart and head not notes....Anyway, the next page is going to be linked to here as well as to my abuse page because for me the 2 experiences were connected in every way including my healing...
                                      ~ Raven

UPDATE Mar 3 2003
     ~ Well its been brought to my attention over the past week or so that I HAVEN'T let go of some things....not by choice mind you (ok, maybe a little by choice just out of simple fear for fuck sakes) anyway, I'm trying I really am....Sometimes though I think I've let go of shit but its only been dealt with partically and then shoved into the back of my mind only to come back and bite me in the ass when I least expect it...LOL like right now.....Thats really fucked.....I mean things have happened since I originally wrote this page and started this site for that matter that have stirred up some screwy ghosts for me and what not but just when you think you have things all figured out BLAMO next thing you know you're figuratively chewing your food in your ass cause your teeth have been knocked so far down your throat and well hell you get the idea.......hell I don't know...maybe the ghosts never really go away.....I mean fuck who knows. Of course that is a totally shitty thought but you never fuckin know....I remember I used to talk to this one woman online (also a survivor and a super wonderful lady) and she told me once that sometimes healing can take yrs and yrs....now i realize that and I always did but then shit like this happens and after feeling like you've taken 10 steps forward you get knocked back 25.....It just really sucks...Especially when these ghosts popping up start fuckin with you in new ways...I don't know it just fuckin really sucks......I'm not giving up though, one brick at a time which of course could bloody well take forever but at least it'll get done....

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