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| The Vicious Cycle of Domestic Abuse.. (My personal take on it anyway) ~ by Lylabug PART I; Ok, here goes, but please bear with me, because as the title would suggest, this is a very emotional subject for me and I do tend to ramble a bit. But hey, that's what we're here for right? To share our experiences, fears, joys, dreams, etc. with one another and to strive for healing of some sort through our sharing. In hindsight, I will say that the signs were all there, but like many women, I was too blinded by what I thought was "Love" to see them before it was too late. That is generally the case with many abused women from what I've seen and heard from others like myself (and some men too, but this site is for women, so....) I am the type of woman who has always been attracted to the 'bad boy' type of guy and to be brutally honest, I like a bit of a dominant streak in my man. You know, how does the old saying go? "I want a Man not a Mouse!" Too true!!Anyone who knows me well will tell you that if a particular man is a pushover or a wimp who will do anything I want him to do, he can't hold my attention for very long, and if he does manage to I usually walk all over him. Call me a bitch or a user or whatever you want to, but truth be told, that's what I grew up seeing. Either the man dominated the woman or visa-versa. I never knew what a 'normal' relationship between a man and a woman, with mutual respect and consideration for each other looked like until well into adulthood, and motherhood for that matter. Still, even knowing that the relationships that I tended to get involved in were unhealthy for me and my kids, I was stuck in that mind set. You know, the one that tells you that you don't deserve any better; obviously, or all of the men in your life wouldn't keep treating you like a doormat so you might as well just accept that this is how things are and live with it. My situation progressed like any other abusive relationship tends to.First, he gained my trust and my lust (a very powerful emotion to deny when you're starved for Love and affection), then he slowly convinced me that he Loved me and that he wasn't the backstabbing, lying, criminal that I suspected he was. I started second guessing everything I believed in. The next crucial step for an abuser is to alienate you from your family and friends or just outright isolate you from everyone but him and the kiddies..Cause let's face it ladies, "every good woman should stay home, cook, clean, take care of the kids and pleasure her man on demand right?" NOT!!! He was not the first man who had abused me physically and emotionally so he must have seen me coming a mile away with the word "victim" radiating from my forehead like a beacon and thought to himself,"Man have I hit pay dirt with this one!" The first time he hit me, he knocked me out cold, took my daughter to my Mom's for the night and then came home and demanded 'make-up' sex. The last thing I wanted to do was fuck him at this point but I didn't want to be knocked out again either so I complied with an enthusiasm that no one would believe wasn't real. I certainly wouldn't have wanted him to think I wasn't turned on. That would have meant a bruised ego for him and a bruised body for me. No, that would not do! Those were the most humiliating moments of the entire nightmare for me, even worse than the beatings was having to please him and try not to vomit while I was doing it. I felt cheap, worthless, like his personal pig. Needless to say my already low self-esteem went straight into the gutter after that first time and stayed there for another 8 years of hell. Yes, there were those odd good times, I mean even a con like him has to make it look good sometimes, but they weren't any more real than my enthusiasm during his so called 'make-up sex' was. They were all just a smoke screen, specifically designed to keep away anyone who might try to throw me a lifeline. Here's the crazy part. I knew for a fact that he had abused the previous women in his life, but like a fool, I believed that I was that one special woman who could change him and that he loved me too much to ever hurt me that way. How freaking naive is that?! Did I allow myself to become his victim? Maybe, probably. But I didn't really get it yet, didn't really know that that was what I was doing and by the time I figured it out I felt like I was too far in to get out. I was terrified of this man and feared for my life and the safety of my children if I tried to leave. Eventually the fear of staying does win out over the fear of leaving though and I finally did. He found me and brought me home. Numerous times. He threatened to pull a drive-by shooting on the home of any man I tried to date and even beat the hell out of one poor unsuspecting guy who was talking to me at the bar one night, "just to show me he meant what he said", if he couldn't have me, no one else was going to either. Just when I thought things couldn't get worse, I got pregnant! Don't get me wrong, I love my child and I wanted another baby, just not like that. Stuck in the rut I was in and all. Eventually my kids started to realize that I had no authority in my own home and because their daddy didn't show me respect, they didn't feel they had to either. I became a joke, a doormat in my own home for anyone who wanted to walk on me. When was I going to get some guts and leave this prison?!! How I got out and what happened next will be part II of this little essay, so check back soon. I'm drained emotionally just writing this and I need to take a break and get my thoughts together. There are some very important things I need to say on this subject though, like what it does to your kids and the amount of damage this kind of abuse can do to a family and just how long it can take to undo even a small bit of that damage. Stay tuned, I'll try to get more done real soon, and for any women out there reading this and thinking "this is my life", don't give up hope, keep the faith and try to stay safe if you can't get out just yet. That's all for now, Take care of you and yours, Lylabug |
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