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| THE VICIOUS CYCLE OF DOMESTIC ABUSE PART 2 ~ Hello Ladies; Well I finally got around to writing Part II of this story for you. As you could probably tell from Part I, my head was in a very bad place when I was in that relationship, but I still couldn't see just how brainwashed I was. I will get to how I got away and what happened after that moment. First however, I want to share a poem with you that clearly demonstrates just how blinded I really was. This was written when I was still with him and hadn't yet figured out just what it was I was IN... HE IS.. He is a man Danger and dominance surround him Like his arms; gentle vice grips around me Protective, yet restraining The strength in his eyes; crushing Hypnotic in their effect upon me His sensuality captivates my soul My heart, a prisoner in his strong hands My senses reel at the sound of his voice and my tongue; Sweet when I speak his name His presense fill my mind The intimate mystery in him A puzzle I cannot solve Pride and respect are his to claim And my Love Submissive and unashamed -Lylabug Well! As you can clearly see, I was one damn blind fool at this point. This was very early on in the relationship (if you can even call it that, more like a dictatorship!). It took me 8 yrs to figure it out, and I should be honest and tell you that during that time, I was NOT the only woman in his life. As a matter of fact, except for about a year of that time, he always had another woman. Yes I allowed him to get away with it, partly because I was afraid of him and partly because in my state of denial, I believed I needed him in my life. He had me believing I couldn't find anyone else who would want me anyway. I mean, if someone like him could find so many things wrong with me then everyone else must be seeing the same things, the same lack of redeeming qualities, right?! God! It almost makes me sick to realize what a willing victim I was!! In the end, the only reason I was freed of him was because he was ejected from the country. He had been living with another woman for a couple of years, a woman he treated no better than myself or any of the other women he had dealt with, and he got himself into trouble with the law. He knew he was about an inch away from being deported so he married her to try to stay in the country. She, being as naive as the rest of his victims, foolishly went along with this little ploy, and even though she ended up pregnant a month or so later, they still booted his ass out! That was a moment of liberation and freedom! I thought. I guess you don't stop being a victim just because your abuser is no longer on the scene. I was still convinced I was in love with him and I was actually of a split mind about his being gone. I hated him, but I missed him. I mean, we shared a child together and for her I was sad that she wouldn't have her daddy around to grow up with, and I was sad for the rest of the kids too. Now they would all miss out on having their dad. It wasn't until I went for 'Battered Women's counselling' that I realized that until he grew up and became a responsibe adult who could control his temper, he was not good for any of us anyway. It wasn't until then that I realized how I had put my own children in a very bad place by having to witness what was happening to their mommy, or how much lasting damage it had done to them. Now, I can honestly say that is my greatest regret over the whole thing. I mean my bruises healed and slowly, so is my heart. But for them, the damage is still there and it has shaped somewhat how they look at relationships between men and women. I don't want them to think that what they saw was normal or acceptable.For me, I still have a problem with making healthy relationships work in my life. I still tend to walk all over the nice guys and let the guys who are NOT good for me become important in my life. Its a hard habit to break, but I'm trying. Right now, I'm single and for the first time in my life I feel like I'm the one in control. I don't feel like I NEED a man to be complete or worth something to the people in my life. One thing that has not happened to me since my great escape is physical abuse. I will never tolerate that in my life again! The next man who raises a hand to me will be saying his final prayers!! It's like waving a red flag in front of a cranky bull!! Yes, I am slowly healing, and so are my kids, buts its gonna be a long road. and it's already been 7 years since he left. It takes a long time to come to terms with your mistakes and shortcomings but when you find that place where you feel like you're worth something to people, you never want to go back.. Stay tuned for Part 3 which will deal with the healing phase and how I finally did manage to begine to heal and not be so hard on myself for the mistakes I made. Counselling, a vital part, is only the first step. Brutal honesty with yourself is also a part of it, but I found you have to gain a little confidence and emotional strength before you can deal with your own psycho-analysis. I hope for those of you reading this that it's not all just a bunch of mumbo jumbo to you, that you are gaining something valuable from sharing my experiences.. Take care of you and yours, back soon Lylabug. |
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