501. When it�s a really hot day and you go inside to an air-conditioned room, it feels good for a while, but eventually the contrast gets to you and you feel really cold.� I hate that feeling.
502. I�m tired of people saying that allergy to dairy products is the same thing as lactose intolerance.� They�re completely different.� Allergy means that one cannot touch the product lest they have a reaction. Lactose intolerance means that one can eat dairy products, but cannot digest them properly.
503. Did KISS use makeup on stage because they needed a gimmick, or was it really because they had to cover up their ugliness?
504. It irks me when people are given a choice, and then say �Yes.� I have no idea what that�s supposed to mean.
505. Golf is the only occasion where being below par is a good thing. It�s strange.
506. Many kids are baseball fans.� So why do TV networks put the World Series and playoff games so late, cutting off the youngest, most important demographic?
507. If odometers read in tenths of miles, then why do some road signs display distances in feet?
508. It�s amazing that people trying to lose weight would actually stand the taste of diet soda.� It�s disgusting.
509. When someone asks a group what time it is, why is there such a competition to answer first?
510. The University of Maryland nicknames its sports teams �the Terrapins�. I fail to see what�s so daunting about a bunch of turtles.
511. Why do people spend extra for useless cellular phone covers?
512. If the SAT is an ineffective predictor of future academic success, then why do some colleges all but bank on it when culling students for admission?
513. People define �animal� to exclude humans. Yet human beings are animals themselves.� That bothers me.
514. When people check their wristwatches, why do they give a flick of the wrist before they look?� Can�t they just turn their wrists?
515. Why do people pace when they wait?� Do they think that it will pass the time more rapidly?
516. Are dentists actually surveyed to see how many recommend a certain gum for their patients who chew gum?
517. A �hacker� is simply one who takes pleasure in finding the intricacies of computer codes.� I don�t know how the word got such a bad connotation.
518. What�s so hard about demolishing buildings? So why is there a need for �demolition experts�?
519. Why are some cement pathways called �sidewalks� even when they run through the middle of lawns?
520. If people are cold, do they really think that folding their arms close to their bodies will make them warmer?
521. A concept NASCAR should consider to liven races: loop-the-loops.
522. If the NCAA is so bent on honoring Title IX, then what about men�s field hockey, men�s softball, or women�s baseball?
523. Toll highways should have change machines just before the booths just in the case that drivers need to make change to throw in the toll.
524. People often judge a band or singer by how many �hits� they�ve had. But look at the Grateful Dead and Buffalo Springfield.� Both bands had only one Top 40 hit; both are in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
525. �Tripping the light fantastic� sounds more like setting off a burglar alarm than dancing.
526. Why does everything taste so terribly bland immediately after eating buttered popcorn?
527. I hate it when I have a random thought but forget it before I can write it.
528. No wonder English is such a difficult language to learn. Unlike almost every other world language, English has very irregular verb endings, very inconsistent pronunciation and spelling rules, and confusing pluralization rules. Even these rules have exceptions, no less.
529. If two people are looking for each other, wouldn�t it be easier if one of them stayed put?� If both are moving, the probability is much lower that they would encounter each other.
530. If you were living an eternal life in Heaven, wouldn�t you eventually get tired of it?
531. George W. Bush is a Texan through and through, right? Wrong.� He was born in New Haven, Connecticut.
532. What�s with cargo pants?� When would anybody need that many pockets?
533. Pepperoni is an entirely American invention.� It�s not at all Italian.� There isn�t even a word for it in Italian.
534. �Like a Virgin� is quite an ironic song, seeing as it was sung by Madonna.
535. The most annoying thing about rap �music� is when you hear it in the background.� You can�t hear the lyrics; all that you can hear is the stupid repetitive background over and over and over�
536. Every Taco Bell restaurant should have twice the ample ventilation.
537. Leave it to the English language to have a word for the obsession with listmaking (glazomania) and the fear of flutes (aulophobia).
538. Why can�t all shoes have Velcro� straps? Wouldn�t that be so much easier?
539. Is there a physics class that covers the properties of nervous energy?
540. Whoever carved Mount Rushmore had way too much time on his hands.
541. �Two-way mirror� is a misnomer; the other side isn�t a mirror.
542. What happens when seasick people sleep on waterbeds?
543. Why do some recipes� names get only partially translated? Either fully translate it or leave it all in the foreign language.� Either call it �chicken with cheese� or �pollo con queso�, not �chicken con queso�.
544. I don�t know where people ever got the idea that Spanish is a romantic language.� Try to say �huevos rancheros� romantically.
545. I know a college wants a well-rounded education, but why on Earth would a chemistry or engineering major need a history class?
546. There is actually a law against rubbernecking on the highway. How many people get caught and stopped is another story.
547. Don�t you think that the Little Mermaid�s cleavage was a little too much for the young audience for which the movie was intended?
548. This is about the only time in my life when I am simultaneously thinking about the Little Mermaid and rubbernecking.
549. Why do people have to broadcast it when they have to go to the bathroom?
550. Why do people think that scratching their heads will make the think harder?
551. You�d think that insects would learn that they�d eventually get swatted and killed if they landed on humans.
552. Technically, iodized salt is not sodium chloride anymore because it has iodine in it.
553. Scientific textbooks are good ways for people with no lives to make large amounts of money.� That�s their only inspiration for writing these books besides excitement, which is sad to say.
554. Why is it human nature that when something breaks, everyone has to look?
555. It�s an interesting irony that the kids who want to go to college as far away as possible from their parents are the ones who miss their parents the most.
556. If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is there to hear it, who cares if it makes a sound?� No one is there anyhow.
557. Why do people put the sign �In case of fire, use stairs; do not use elevator� outside elevators on the bottom floor?
558. When �under the cap� games say �sorry, please try again� or �sorry, please play game again�, are they really sorry, or are they getting you to buy more of their product?
559. If there were a Grammy category for �Most Annoying Song Not By Britney Spears�, the award would definitely go to �Who Let the Dogs Out.�
560. If �co-op� is short for �cooperative�, why does it, and not the word �cooperative�, have a hyphen?
561. Death penalty is a very risky punishment because it�s irreversible. If it�s disproved, they cannot do a thing about it.� At least a life term in jail is reversible.
562. There�s nothing much more annoying that when people spit into microphones when their mouths are too close to the receivers.
563. How long do dreams last in real time?
564. Cars won�t drive the speed of light, so it would be rather physically improbable, if not impossible, to know what would happen when you turn your lights on.� Nobody except for physicists care anyway.
565. What do sportscasters wear below the belt when they�re sitting at the desk giving sports reports?� We only see the top half of the wardrobe.
566. How come people with canes, walkers, or crutches can�t necessarily use a handicapped-parking space?
567. You gotta love chefs that can cut the right weight of meat just by looking at it.
568. How are buttons cute?
569. I thought that public television was funded entirely by public and private contributions; that�s the whole point of it. So how come there are commercials on PBS?
570. It�s such a gross feeling when you take a glass that you think is apple juice, take a sip, and notice that it�s iced tea.
571. Is it considered a misspelling if, say, the tilde were left out of the word �jalape�o� or the accent were left out of the word �communiqu�?
572. If you shout to a blind man in an echo chamber, how confused would he get?
573. How can television stations allow other channels to advertise on their respective stations?
574. The phrase �a big congratulations� isn�t right. Last time I checked, the word �congratulations� was plural. That bothers me.
575. Would you walk up to a tank of formaldehyde and take several deep whiffs and breaths?� That�s basically what smokers do every time they light up.� Formaldehyde is in cigarettes.� That�s gross.
576. �Work like a dog� doesn�t say much.� All dogs do is play, sleep, and eat.
577. �Seeing things� and �hearing things� are perfectly normal for seeing, hearing people.� It should be �seeing abnormal things� and �hearing abnormal things.�
578. It�s so funny when an audience starts clapping with the beat of a live song and the tempo changes, totally screwing up their rhythm.
579. Most of the time, laugh tracks on sitcoms are played for unfunny things. It�s not worth having laugh tracks at all.
580. Some people assume that pianos were tuned at the factory and never need to be tuned again.� That�s not what the audience thinks about it.� You know, it�s not like the listeners can�t tell the difference.
581. They have all sorts of ice cream flavors, but why do they have very few sherbet flavors?
582. I agree that �Stairway to Heaven� is the most overplayed Led Zeppelin song of all.� The thing is, though, that it�s such a good song that I don�t mind its being played so often.
583. When some puzzle makers realize that the difficulty of a crossword is dictated not by obscurity of words but by difficulty of clues, I�ll do those puzzles. Until then, it�s not worth it.
584. What happens when there�s a fire at a firehouse? Do they have to ring that really loud alarm?
585. Since it is a direct result of an auto crash, shouldn�t automotive insurance spring for air bag replacement?
586. How do automakers know that air bags will work properly if the air bags have to be replaced after deployment?
587. It�s very strange how most British singers sound American (that is, lose their accent) when they sing.
588. How do TV stations allow commercials to take up half the shows?
589. If someone told Se�or Wences to �talk to the hand�, he�d actually do it.
590. Since the life expectancy of human beings is rising fast, shouldn�t the minimum age to receive Social Security benefits be pushed later?
591. How come colleges have to call it �student ID number� when it�s only your social security number?� So why can�t they just say �social security number�?
592. I hope I haven�t duplicated any random thoughts so far; the numbering would be off.
593. I hope I haven�t duplicated any random thoughts so far; the numbering would be off.
594. Shouldn�t a semicolon, per its name, consist of one dot only, i.e. half of a colon?
595. What does a �rubber match� have to do with rubber?
596. The vast majority of the world is using the metric system, which is much easier than the English system.� Why can�t the US and those other laggard countries use it too?
597. The �English system� of measurement isn�t even used in England. Go figure.
598. If American English and British English are very different, why are they both called �English�?� They�re not the same at all.
599. Isn�t it a little insensitive for a person going through a sex-change operation to be given forms to be filled out that ask for gender?
600. Weren�t you a little tired of hearing just how much tougher life was for your parents?
601. I would think that imagining the audience members in their underwear would make the orator cringe rather than relax.
602. The culmination of stupidity: playing Twisted Sister in an asylum.
603. The culmination of insensitivity: playing �Another One Bites the Dust� at a funeral.
604. The culmination of counterproductivity: playing Jimi Hendrix at a drug rehab center.
605. What would they call a stand-up comedian if he sat during his routine?
606. Those annoying little holes in notebook pages always get in the way when I�m writing.� I hate them.
607. Get rid of all the idiots for a while.� Tell them to go home, find a circle, and not come out until they�ve found an end to it.
608. I hate �comedians� who think that they�re funny by doing stupid, unfunny things and laughing at themselves for them.
609. You�ve likely seen those advertisements saying something like �Lose 20 pounds in one month!�� Well, those who fall for the diet will likely gain back at least 20 pounds next month.
610. Dogs don�t stink.� Water doesn�t stink. So how come wet dogs do?
611. Yeah, so crickets indicate the temperature with the number of chirps they make. So what? We can just look at the thermometer. Isn�t that easier than counting the chirps and using some formula?
612. Presumably, if you use your thumb enough to press the remote control buttons daily, you would burn a rather significant number of calories as compared with your diet.� Couch potatoes rejoice� maybe.
613. People say, �I�ve seen that face before.� Well, presumably, they�ve seen the rest of the body, too, haven�t they?
614. Why do people find it necessary to, with a writing utensil in hand, doodle while talking on the telephone?� It�s so annoying.
615. Drivers should be retested every five years or so, so that the DMV can make sure that everyone can still drive properly, i.e. their passing the driver�s test was not a fluke.� Some drivers� skill levels decrease over time.
616. Is there ever such a thing as a �formal jam session�?
617. Dr. Laura Schlessinger has a TV talk show that airs at 2 or 3 a.m. on CBS. Now, CBS has, most probably, a rationale for this; the people who actually are watching this show would be so groggy and bleary-eyed that they might actually believe her and take her seriously.
618. Most infomercials for health drugs and diet drugs bank on the placebo effect; that is, they�ll work if you believe that they will. That�s why they try to be so convincing.
619. They should make cup holders with adjustable diameters. That would prevent so many spills and inconveniences.
620. What�s so good about Norwegian wood?
621. Why are some people so excited when they unintentionally rhyme words?
622. People talk about certain pop songs and being �the greatest songs of all time�.� Oh, please. Those are nothing compared with classical works and operas.
623. Why do some people insist on giggling when they hear the word �penis�?
624. Some people entertain the thought that God was and is a woman. They neglect the thought that God was called �He� throughout the entire Bible.� Hmm�
625. Doing pot reduces a smoker�s basic vocabulary to three words: �dude�, �whoa�, and �hey�.
626. It would be a real feat if someone touched his toes actually with shoes on.
627. Why isn�t there a �Take Your Son To Work Day�? That�s discriminatory.
628. Did you ever notice that when David Letterman tells a joke on his monologue, Paul Shaffer lets out a big �Ah!�? It�s really annoying.
629. Time magazine runs an annual feature called �The Sexiest Man Alive�. I�ve noticed that every single winner of the �Sexiest Man� award is a celebrity.� Now, does that mean that there are no non-celebrity men who are sexy, or is it coincidence?� I�m confused.
630. The Ottoman Empire mustn�t have done too much historically because all they got named after them was a stupid footrest.
631. What would happen if a play were written about a guy with extreme stage fright?� Would he ever appear on stage?
632. Why do people consider �Saturday Night Live� actors and actresses to be funny when� they� have� writers?
633. If you went to an owl sanctuary and said, �Nice hooters!�, would you get slapped?
634. Can you imagine how strange humans would look if they greeted each other the way that dogs do?
635. I�d like to know about what percentage of people are ingenuous when they say, �Nice to see you.�
636. It shouldn�t be called �dip� because it doesn�t dip. It should be called �dipping sauce�.
637. Advertisements for K-Y Jelly or Lubricant show the substance�s being put on the fingers and rubbed together.� Now, what good does it do there?
638. Isn�t the smell kind of confusing when you walk into a candle store?
639. Gatorade claims that it is �scientifically formulated� to taste better when you�re more thirsty.� Isn�t that always the way it is?
640. So many people use the uncapitalized �xerox� as a verb meaning �to copy photostatically�.� Why does the Xerox Company bother to try stopping this use?
641. In commercials advertising drugs treating STDs, people talk about how they didn�t want to be �inconvenienced� taking so many pills per day. Well, sor-ry!� If you hadn�t fooled around in the first place, you wouldn�t be in the situation you�re in now, taking pills like that! It�s your fault!
642. I hate it when, some of the time, a clerk asks, �May I help you?�, and you answer, �No, thank you,� the clerk follows you around and keeps waiting for opportunities when you look the least iota confused to pounce on you with thoughts of good intentions just for his/her self-satisfaction.
643. If you almost passed out, desperate for a breath, reading the last thought, which was only one sentence, and a long one at that, I�m extremely sorry, because I really wanted, in the worst possible way, to write it like that, a continuous stream of ideas.
644. Since when do people put �pocket dictionaries� in their pockets?
645. To really anger a pickpocket, I have an ingenious plan: walk around with a wallet-sized block of wood in your back pocket the next time you�re in a big city.� That way, when a pickpocket reaches for what he thinks is a wallet, he�ll be sadly mistaken.
646. It�s so annoying when people use the present tense when telling stories, because stories happened in the past.
647. When people are desperately looking for something, they often say, �Well, it�s here somewhere.�� Is that supposed to be consolation?
648. How do people address the artist formerly known as Prince?
649. If you�re mailing something to the artist formerly known as Prince, do you have to address the envelope with that annoying symbol?
650. If a running back tells a payphone operator that he wants his quarter back, do you think the operator would get confused and ask him which football team he plays for?
651. There�s a great job out there where you can make a very high salary working three hours a day for five months a year with paid vacations, many benefits, and huge pensions.� You�re in the spotlight every time you work, and travel all over the place. It�s Major League Baseball umpiring.
652. Not one shampoo or deodorant can be �pH balanced� unless it�s pure water.� (*Oops! See thought 772.)
653. The word �rap� is misspelled all the time. It�s missing a �c� at the beginning.
654. Why do products advertise things to be �all-natural� as if it meant that it was healthy?� However, hemlock is all-natural, and so are rhubarb leaves.
655. Why are some production companies so concerned about tricking up their movies with special effects that they neglect to include plots?
656. Why is 12:00 a.m. considered midnight when it is hardly ever the midpoint between sunset and sunrise?
657. �Dead skin� was never living in the first place.
658. I laugh whenever I see the warning message bottles: �If swallowed, seek medical help immediately.�� This says to seek medical help if you are swallowed, by the way it is worded.
659. I don�t care if your child was an honor student at So-and-So School!
660. What color are you in if you have neither debt nor credit?
661. How can the English language borrow words unless it intends to give them back?
662. Is it against the Hippocratic oath for doctors to write legibly?
663. How would a psychic feel if a caller told him that he was totally wrong? If that happens, shouldn�t the caller have some sort of money-back guarantee?
664. Do you think that there are people so egotistical that they would fake their own deaths to hear their own eulogies?
665. Some stores have signs saying, �We will gladly ____ upon request.� I don�t care if you do it gladly or grudgingly, just do it.
666. We all know what this number means. I�ll just skip it.
667. What�s with all these blue laws not permitting the sale of liquor on Sundays?� Isn�t that a mixing of church and state?
668. Why would someone pay for a phone call giving answers to a newspaper crossword puzzle if the solver can just wait until the next day�s newspaper for the solution?
669. Don�t you think that if we go far enough into the future, history teachers in high school will eventually not be able to fit the entire history curriculum into one school year?
670. Bad punch line for a Siamese twin joke: �Well, you know what they say: two heads are better than one!�
671. Why do people have to use the fancy, technical term �pyrotechnician� when it�s just a �fireworks expert�?� �Pyrotechnician� sounds much more complicated.
672. George Washington was one of our founding fathers and one of our smartest presidents.� So how come we completely ignored his warning about party politics?
673. Why do punishing teachers write things on students� foreheads? The students wouldn�t remember them because they wouldn�t see them! Write it on the students� arms, or something.
674. Why did some people declare the times on their watches as if those times were the absolutely correct ones?
675. You�d think that Mary got a whole lot of funny looks with a little lamb following her around.
676. How come the Earth�s natural satellite is called �the Moon� as if it were the only moon in the solar system?� People should call it by its actual name, Luna, like they do any other moon in the solar system.
677. Baseball players can�t smoke cigarettes on the field, correct? Then why can they chew tobacco?
678. When people give testimonials on pain reliever advertisements, the audience has to remember that these are only individual results. Each body can react differently to different medicines under certain conditions.� What works for one won�t necessarily work for another.
679. What does it matter whether Elton John is gay, straight, or bisexual? What does that have to do with his musical talent and career?� Nothing! He�s doing much better than you are, thank you very much.
680. People talk about the �new car smell�.� I don�t understand what�s so great about the odor of textile fabric and plastic.� Well, at least it�s better than the �new shoe smell�.� Now, that�s disgusting.
681. Why don�t they make guardrails out of softer material to absorb more shock and reduce damages upon collision?
682. Why can�t newscasts have exciting theme songs?
683. Why do TV watchers think that athletes will respond to them if the watchers scream at the television set?
684. Apparently, golfers do not understand that golf balls do not have sensory capabilities, because the golfers talk to the balls. It�s really annoying.
685. With the progressing technology of golf equipment, it�s sad that scores are being lowered by way of clubs and balls instead of talent.
686. With all of our modern technological advancements, it�s a wonder that they can�t make a sunscreen that doesn�t smell awful.
687. �Happy hour� is usually three hours long. Go figure.
688. Don�t drivers realize that weaving from lane to lane in a traffic jam will make them take longer?
689. A modification of thought number 193: scratch �Rock and Roll Part II� as the most annoying arena song.� The new winner is �Get Ready For This� by 2 Unlimited.
690. By putting the �How am I driving� stickers on backs of vans and trucks, businesses are effectively encouraging drivers to call the number on their cell phones while they�re driving.� Is that at all smart?
691. I love the feeling when someone repeatedly, vehemently denies something that I claim, and then I definitively prove him wrong.
692. Texas has an official state pepper (the jalape�o). Why did the Texas state legislature even bother to send that one through?
693. Why do people call their cars �she� as if it were a female human being?
694. If the word �phobia� is derived from Greek, and all of the prefixes (agoraphobia, xenophobia, etc.) are derived from Greek or Latin, then how can they just tack on an English word as in �social phobia�?
695. There is about as much rhythmic and melodic structure in the songs of Eve and Missy Elliott combined as there is in neighborhood dogs barking at night.
696. If Led Zeppelin were played in an elevator, would it still be called �elevator music�?
697. �If you bought some table salt and one Energizer, D size, one could say that you were charged with a salt and battery.� Ha, ha�
698. If Sunday is considered the beginning of the week in America, then why is it part of the weekend?
699. I hate it when people ask for �a sip� of a beverage, then glug half the stuff down.
700. Mother Nature and Father Time are legendary personifications, but, per their names, shouldn�t they have children?� I don�t know any.
701. Giving customers cups and letting them use the spigots themselves is the stupidest thing that fast food chains can do. They�re just asking for unlimited free refills by the customers.
702. No wonder people in California are so rich. They get full cash refunds when they return their cans and bottles for recycling.
703. Food testers for kings must have had extremely high job securities. If they do their job right, they�ll have it until they die, either of old age or of poisoning. If they do it wrong, they get executed by the royal court.
704. Could wearing a T-shirt and jeans be considered �dressing to the threes�?
705. Wouldn�t �after dark� refer to the period after darkness, i.e. early morning?
706. Do you normally fall asleep listening to rainfall? Then why do those tapes of incessant falling rain claim to make you fall asleep?
707. Why do cheerleaders at football and basketball games still cheer enthusiastically upon a score by their team even when the game is out of reach for their team?
708. Cheerleaders would make golf tournaments rather interesting.
709. Instead of theorizing what sex would be like in outer space, why don�t they just try it?� Make it an experiment, or something.
710. Why do people cut off the �t� when it�s at the end of words after vowels and in between vowels?� They�ve been so accustomed to in that they don�t even notice (read �it�, �that�, �don�t� and see).� People pronounce the word �gotten� g� en instead of g�t� en, for example.
711. SUVs have high centers of gravity (making them more likely to roll over), guzzle gas worse than sports cars, and cost so much. Why they�re popular I have no idea. Maybe it�s because they look good.
712. I swear, campaign signs are just like Christmas lights. People don�t take them down until about two months after Election Day.� I hate that.
713. �Riding lawn mower� is a misnomer.� The lawn mower itself doesn�t do the riding. It should be called �ridable lawn mower�.
714. Why do some golf courses put their parking lots next to golf holes, unsheltered, where people could easily hit wayward shots right into parked cars?
715. When you take a dog out to go to the bathroom, do you think that it�s embarrassed that you�re watching it go?
716. Cheese curls are the most annoying snack you can eat because they leave that pesky dark orange stain on your hands and clothes.
717. Wouldn�t atheists find the bumper sticker �Jesus Loves You� offensive?
718. When it becomes illegal, if ever, to talk on handheld cellular phones, cops can do nothing, technically, when the phone is held between the driver�s neck and shoulder.
719. Men can get breast cancer also.� So how come its treatment is not covered in insurance plans for men?
720. It�s a most annoying thing when someone asks you a favor, and just when you�ve come back and sat down, the person asks you another favor.
721. Isn�t the phrase �straight dope� an oxymoron, seeing that �straight� means �not under the influence of drugs�?
722. In child custody cases, it is said to be coincidental that only ten percent of the cases give the child to the father. That�s hogwash.� That aspect of the judicial system is biased against males, who are often seen as the problem causer.� That�s simply not true and is unfortunate.
723. Here�s how to get rid of that annoying triskaidekaphobic that keeps bugging you.� Move to 13th Street in New York City, apartment room number 13. He�ll never go near you again, guaranteed.
724. If you can�t fall asleep, get out of bed and run in place for ten minutes. That should do the job.
725. At the end of some game shows, the audience claps in rhythm, perhaps, to the theme song.� They�re never on tempo.� That�s really annoying.
726. �Dittohead� is a slang term for a person lacking intelligence. �Dittohead� is a slang term for a listener to the Rush Limbaugh show.� Enough said.
727. Is it ever possible to �rev down� an engine?
728. When will school systems realize that grade advancement should be based on not age but ability?� Most kids do not mature intellectually at the same rate that schools advance them.
729. I�ve always wondered why, when dogs sit and beg for your food and not get it, dogs try sitting on your other side and begging.
730. If you�re an education major in college, wouldn�t it seem strange that you�re being taught about teaching?
731. If there were a Procrastinators� Club, would they ever hold a meeting?
732. How much would you know if you did know jack?
733. Is there any way to �forge backwards�?
734. If there were a Hypothetical Club, would they actually hold meetings?
735. How can the country be called �United Kingdom� if it�s run by a prime minister?� The queen is a figurehead with no real power.
736. More people to put in the No Life Club: writers of musical instrument practice books.� They�re just scales and repetitive exercises!
737. Golf balls are advertised as having �exceptional spin�. Well, what do you expect?! You can�t hit a knuckleball. It has lots of topspin, sidespin, or backspin.
738. If they call a Los Angeles NBA player a Laker, what do they call a member of the Utah Jazz or Miami Heat?
739. Has anybody ever dreamt about sheep jumping over them; much less, has anybody counted them?
740. If there were a Hermit Club, would anyone be willing to go to a meeting?
741. For the next �Survivor� series, CBS should place barefoot contestants on the face of an active volcano.
742. Sack race would be an interesting Olympic track-and-field event.
743. Bobsled would be a lot more interesting if the sledders were blindfolded.
744. The NCAA and NBA should make the men�s basketball regulation rim height higher.� That way, players wouldn�t be concerned about slam dunks as they would about shot selection and using the backboard.
745. How come home runs are described as �out of the park� even when they just clear the fence and stay in the ballpark?
746. Honestly, do titles of pornographic movies really matter?
747. Right now, I�m randomly thinking of certain jets. Wonder why�
748. What difference does it make which side of a white T-shirt is forward and which is backward?
749. Optimism is taking something impossible or highly improbable and thinking that it will always happen.� It�s a foolish doctrine.
750. What would happen if the author of an alphabet book for children got writer�s block?
751. People don�t get it.� It�s not that you�re holding the phone that distracts you from driving.� It�s talking that takes your attention away from the road and toward the conversation.
752. In the dictionary, under the word �tup�, a definition is �to copulate with (a ewe). Used of a ram.� Now, is that part really necessary? I should hope it only applies to a ram.
753. If a night watchman hopeful were denied the job because he has narcolepsy, could he sue under the Americans with Disabilities Act?
754. How would a Siamese twin feel if he/she had multiple personality disorder?
755. Presumably, a dandruffy person could get rid of flakes by vacuuming his head.� Forget the shampoo.
756. �Dandruffy� and �furfuraceous� mean the same thing, but it�s so much more fun to say the latter, isn�t it?
757. The phrase �each and every� is redundant.
758. People always say that they�re �hanging in there�. Where�s there?� If you�re feeling bad, are you �hanging out there�?
759. Are people so lazy that they have to abbreviate the word �road� on addresses?
760. I wouldn�t want to be in a picture of a slam dunk if I were the one on whom he was dunking.
761. Why do police driving police cars normally (i.e. not going to an emergency) go faster than the speed limit?
762. It�s not necessarily used at night, so why is it called a �nightstick�?
763. Candidate for �Idiot of the Century�: fan of Vanilla Ice.
764. I hate those advertisements for creams and drugs that �make you look years younger!�� It doesn�t matter how old you look.� It�s how old you are.
765. After people pick up the phone to call somebody, why do they put their ears to the receivers to make sure the dial tone is sounding? Trust me!� It will.
766. Elders teach you that fairness is a very important life virtue, right? So why, when you say, �That�s not fair�, do they rebuke you with �Life�s not fair!�?
767. If a famous pro athlete signs a $20 bill, how is the autograph�s value assessed?
768. Why do television stations bother, when warning of a severe storm, to say that people outside should move to a shelter? How are they going to get the message? No one would dare to go out and tell them�
769. If a baseball player charges the mound after being hit by a pitch, shouldn�t he be called out for going out of the baseline?
770. Could one ever �repeat before� someone?� You don�t really need to say �repeat after me�; �repeat me� will do.
771. The year the Montreal Expos win the World Series is the year that I hear the Bee Gees on a classic rock radio station.
772. Oops.� Ignore thought 652. Thousands of substances have a pH of seven.
773. Does any mature adult actually look up to Gary Coleman? I mean that in two senses.
774. Kenny G is the kind of artist that has the same effect musically if you take him away and leave only the background band playing backup.
775. Why do all soda bottles have twist tops? That�s how they lose their carbonation. A snap-on cap would keep soda fresh by sealing it.
776. Television personalities create suspense by saying, �Don�t touch that dial!� Hardly any televisions have dials now, though.
777. Broadcasters for baseball games say, �The count is even at two and two.� No, actually, it�s not even. The pitcher has the advantage because there are 4 balls and 3 strikes.
778. Why don�t they make deodorant for feet? It makes sense, doesn�t it?
779. Are there such things as �wanted stains�?
780. In baseball, a �hit and run� play requires that the runner run before the batter tries to hit the ball.� The phrase is out of logical sequence.
781. Don�t you think that �Millionaire� background music is getting to Regis Philbin a lot more than the contestants?
782. Just to prove that they�re ditzy or not ditzy, there should be a cheerleader version of �Millionaire� or �Jeopardy!�
783. I�d be curious to see how Valley Girls would do on �Jeopardy!�
784. If you gave a Valley Girl laughing gas, would she ever stop giggling?
785. Like, ohmigod, I�m, like, so in Valley Girl mode! I�ve like, so got to, like, cut it!� Ahem. There we go. I�m better now.
786. Is it good or bad luck to believe in superstition in general?
787. At least it�s consolation that, since I�m not on the list of the �50 Most Beautiful People�, I can say that I�m tied for 51st.
788. The reasonable life expectancy for a very good jazz musician is approximately 37 years old.
789. Why aren�t mattresses shaped to conform to the human body instead of, as they are, completely flat?
790. If Rush Limbaugh and I were together in a horse costume, we all know which end Rush would occupy.
791. When some people have headphones on, they think they�re singing to themselves, but they�re really obnoxiously loud.
792. Slapstick comedy is shallow, superficial humor; people who like it have bad taste in humor.
793. I don�t know why people find it funny when people are drunk.
794. Did you ever notice that, when you set your alarm, your body usually wakes up just before the alarm is supposed to sound? It�s interesting.
795. What will Sue Grafton do when she reaches the 27th book in her �letter mystery� series?� Will she use a, b, c, d, e, �f is for�� as titles?
796. Doesn�t Robert Stack of �Unsolved Mysteries� remind you of William Shatner?
797. The way that the name sounds, �health maintenance organization� sounds like an architectural upkeep.� Try �health care organization.�
798. With our modern scientific capability, you�d think that people could come up with a coaster that doesn�t stick to the bottom of the glass.
799. Is it my imagination, or are sitcom theme songs getting shorter and worse?
800. If there were convalescent homes for mayflies, would they have to be, say, 26 hours old to be residents?� How long would they stay?
801. Why do TV remote controls have owner�s manuals in different languages if only English is on the remote control itself?
802. Why do TV remote controls have owner�s manuals?
803. For movies with baseball game scenes, do the directors have to pay all of the �fans� in the stands as extras?
804. Why can�t dog food companies make dog food that smells like steak, beef, or another meat?� It�d fool the dog into thinking that it were smelling human food and it would make the dog stop wanting our food.
805. Why would one want to be a contestant on �Weakest Link� lest the contestant be put through the gauntlet and/or humiliated by Anne Robinson?
806. If patients know about doctor/patient confidentiality, then why do Viagra commercials make out asking about Viagra to be a potentially embarrassing situation?
807. The shortest par 4 on the PGA Tour, a 296-yard hole at the TPC at River Highlands, is sponsored by Pfizer, the maker of Viagra. Isn�t that ironic?
808. On �Family Feud�, what�s the point of the first scoring rounds if whoever wins the triple point round wins the game?
809. How can one be sentenced to more than one life sentence in jail? That term is logically impossible.
810. If an immortal one were sentenced to life in jail, do you think that they�d eventually get tired of his being in jail and let him out?
811. How else would a new product be advertised besides �improved�? They wouldn't say �new and downgraded�, would they?
812. Apparently, those who aren�t doing a task always do it better than the ones who are.
813. Sometimes, it�s not worth making some people laugh because you�d have to put up with those annoying laughs.
814. I don�t know why people roll dice briskly in their hands and breathe on them as if they think that it would give them a good roll.
815. Commercials for online Viagra claim that �your health will be assessed online� to make sure you�re eligible.� Just how do those companies think that physicians can perform valid checkups over fiber optic lines?
816. If Dr. Kevorkian is not psychologically affected by what he has done, then there is something seriously wrong with him.
817. Why isn�t Dr. Kevorkian�s first name ever used?
818. Leave it to the English language to make the plural of lie �lies� but make the plural of die �dice�.
819. When people are looking for a lost item, why do they look under things under which it would be impossible for the item to be?
820. Why do all men at a picnic have to compete amongst themselves to see who is the best griller?
821. If there were a Misanthropy Club, could it hold a civil meeting?
822. Did you ever notice that, when you�re amidst a crowd of conversing people, you involuntarily tune in to one conversation and block out all others?
823. Don�t you hate it when you�re arguing a known fact with an ignoramus?
824. Why do people find it funny when people tip over in chairs?
825. You�d think that people would learn not to tip chairs back if they know that they�re eventually going to fall.
826. McDonald�s should rename its �Big Mac meal� to �heart attack on a bun�.
827. Isn�t it dangerous for a pyromaniac to have a fireplace at home?
828. If there were a Quantum Physicists� Club, would it exist only theoretically?
829. If I had a dollar for every time I heard, �If I had a dollar for every time I heard that,� I�d be rich.
830. You wonder why kids have such bad vocabularies, but all we say to them when they�re babies is nonsense and baby talk.
831. Why do people try to look over the shoulders of people reading newspapers when they could just ask the reader politely to borrow it?
832. KFC should change its slogan from �We do chicken right�, because it sounds absolutely disgusting.
833. Cal Ripken, Jr., is probably the only person in America who has gone to work every single day for about eighteen years straight.
834. Male gymnasts could compete in the balance beam if they wore cups.
835. What do pie-eating contests actually prove? What�s the point of them?
836. Don�t you wish that you could retire from your job at 45 years old and have enough money to last you your lifetime?� That�s exactly what pro athletes do.
837. What would happen if someone got hiccups at a golf tournament?
838. Let�s be honest here.� Not all babies are cute.� Some are really ugly.
839. Let�s be honest here (again).� Do people getting older really want to be reminded when it�s their birthday?
840. If schools taught a required class on fiscal responsibility to teenagers, perhaps they wouldn�t waste so much money. Hmm.
841. Do plastic surgeons do �face drops� too?
842. Who needs hypnosis when a Pink Floyd album will do the trick?
843. Is it possible for something to be new and not different?
844. How can Phillip Morris be so hypocritical as to claim that tobacco is not harmful or addictive when it says just the opposite on its packages?
845. If sports betting is illegal, then why do newspaper sports sections print the Glantz-Culver betting line to encourage it?
846. Why is it illegal for minors to purchase tobacco yet legal for them to use it?
847. Is the phrase �with all due respect� supposed to make an insult excusable?
848. People often say, �This tastes like [expletive].� Well, how do they know what that tastes like?
849. Is there any ferry that isn�t a boat? So how come we can�t just call it a �ferry�?
850. Is there ever a �tumult before the storm�? Of course it�s always calm before a storm. If it weren�t calm, it�d be part of the storm.
851. I get angry when I claim that people have been talking about me and they deny it as if I didn�t see their sidelong glances at me.
852. I know that West Side Story is this classic musical and all that, but I really don�t think that real-life gangs dance while they fight.
853. When you see those orange cones at an unattended construction site, aren�t you tempted to swerve in and out of them?
854. Is there such a thing as �deathblood�?
855. Laser surgery and stoplights: they have very little in common. But I�m simultaneously thinking of them. It�s strange.
856. Blinking single red lights and stop signs mean the same thing. Stop signs are much less expensive than blinking red lights.� So why don�t they just use stop signs all the time?
857. How do patients of laser surgery know that the surgeon isn�t just randomly waving the laser beam in the vicinity of their injuries?
858. Why be taught the hard way to do a certain task when the easy way is readily available?
859. What�s the point of second-guessing a decision if it�s been made and is irreversible?
860. If there were an Anarchists� Club, how quickly would it be disbanded?
861. If some guy walking in the park listening on a portable radio sings along in a really loud, annoying voice with people walking by, could the singer be arrested for disturbance of the peace?
862. Captain of the Presidential All-Name Team: Millard Fillmore.
863. People often say, �It�s raining outside.� As opposed to raining inside?
864. I don�t know how the proctology field is being maintained. Who would want to study that area of the body?
865. Would you ever see a dietician in a fast-food place? That would be hypocritical.
866. When golfing, does Rush Limbaugh hit a fade lest he end up on the left side of the hole?� What does he do when a water hazard is on the right?
867. Since when did abortion, one of the most personal topics of all, become political football?
868. If you bought a computer about two months ago, forget it. It�s already, most likely, obsolete. Update it.
869. Why do some �Millionaire� contestants ask the audience after they�ve clearly said what they think is the answer? Wouldn�t that sway the audience?
870. I hate it when I�m grocery shopping in the summer, dressed in light clothes, and I walk through the freezer aisle.� I start shivering.
871. When someone asks me something to the effect of �Guess what I did?�, I respond, �Why should I?�� How am I supposed to guess what you did?
872. You can tell someone that you gave them a medius, and they won�t be insulted. The beautiful thing is, you�ve just insulted them, and they have no idea because it doesn�t sound bad. You just flicked them off.
873. What happens if you dream about falling asleep?
874. There should be a �Take Your Pet to Work Day.� That would be interesting.
875. If there were ever a �Take Your Mother-In-Law to Work Day�, do not participate!� All she�ll do is tell you how you can do your job better.
876. If one named their band, say, the �Beettles�, they couldn�t get sued for copyright violation, right?
877. Why is America Online offering a free 700 hours per month promotion? In a 30-day month, there are 720 total hours!� So 700 hours free per month amounts to 23 hours, 20 minutes online free per day.
878. In New Hartford, CT, there is an area called �Satan�s Kingdom State Recreation Area.�� Now doesn�t that give you the warm fuzzies now?
879. Why do businesses need specific time periods for �customer appreciation days�?� Shouldn�t they always appreciate customers?� After all, those are who actually keep them in business.
880. If there were a Cross-Eyed People Club, would members think that there is twice the actual membership?
881. Some dieters try to avoid fat altogether. That�s unhealthy � fat is an essential portion of a healthful diet in moderation.
882. Why spend oodles for an Ab Roller when a roller blade or roller-skate can do the trick?
883. It�s an interesting irony that when you�re in a rush cooking something, it gets burnt, but when you take your time, it comes out right.
884. Business that won�t work: adoption service via drive-thru window.
885. If there were an Amnesiacs� Club, would its members remember that they are members?
886. I hate that feeling when your favorite drink is at the bottom of the ice bucket and you have to reach to the bottom to grab it. Your arm comes out freezing.� You have to ask yourself, �Is it worth it?�
887. When a movie is rewound, why are people so captivated in watching the screen, seeing the movie run backwards?
888. Tell me how Volkswagen could make a coup� if it had four doors. It�s like having a two-room apartment with four rooms.� It can�t be done.
889. Here�s an experiment to test the placebo effect. Take an empty vodka bottle. Fill it with water. �Watch people drink.� See if they get drunk.
890. Some people are afraid of flying, yet wouldn�t think twice about driving. But airplanes are statistically over 50 times safer than cars.� It makes no sense.
891. Are women�s feet�s needs different from men�s feet�s? Then why do women need so many pairs of shoes?
892. If Dr. Laura Schlessinger is so uptight about morality and ethics, then why did naked pictures of her show up on the Internet?
893. Leave it to the English language for the word �impregnable� to mean both �susceptible to impregnation� and �resistant to penetration�.
894. It�s interesting that the band Bad Company has an album entitled Bad Company on which they have a song titled �Bad Company�.
895. I hate it when I�m behind a car on a highway onramp and the car doesn�t accelerate enough.
896. It�s a big pet peeve of mine when a person having lost an argument ends the conversation with �Whatever�� in a weak attempt to get the last word.
897. How can one essentially �waste water� when the water cycle will simply cycle it back into the atmosphere for reuse anyway?
898. Are Calvinists predestined to be Calvinists? Are non-Calvinists so because they aren�t predestined to be Calvinists?� It�s sort of a paradox.
899. It�s funny when a kids� program is on TV, yet the child is ignoring it and the adults in the room are riveted by it.
900. Let�s face it.� What TV stations call �encore presentations� are just reruns. They just don�t want to call them �reruns�.
901. Why do people always look suspiciously at ones wearing trench coats?
902. I guess that the signals of a show�s demise is its being switched to the Disney Channel.
903. Is there such a thing as a �laughing shame�?
904. I�d love to get into a sleeping dog�s dreaming mind to see what�s causing it to growl, grumble, and whine.
905. If there were a Friends of the Misanthropes Club, would there be any members?
906. If love is the answer, then what is the question?
907. When people are trying to really listen to things, why do they squint their eyes toward the sound source as if seeing better helps them hear better?
908. If �proven� is a word, how come �disproven� is not?
909. They say that every cloud has a silver lining. If the cloud is pure white, that�s not necessarily a good thing.
910. The Major League Baseball All-Star game has no incentive. It doesn�t mean anything. That�s why it lost interest.
911. Why do you have to signal upon merging onto a highway? Where else would the other drivers think that you�re going?
912. Why are there just random numbers assigned to houses? Why can�t one side�s houses be numbered 1, 3, 5, 7� and the other side�s houses 2, 4, 6, 8?
913. Sometimes you�ll find bug bites under your clothing. I mean, if a bug�s gonna bite you, why should it have to fly into your clothing when there�s enough exposed skin that they can very easily bite?
914. People often ask me how I come up with these random thoughts. What do you mean, how? Everyone thinks, right? Well, this is my thought process! Believe it or not, these things just pop into my head, and I write them down.
915. I really think that the listeners of and callers to the Rush Limbaugh program have been brainwashed into some sort of ultraconservative cult.
916. Why does Rush Limbaugh think he knows a lot about the game of golf, and why do listeners ask him about his game, when he�s a mediocre, stroke-a-hole handicap golfer?
917. Al Franken was wrong on the title of his book, Rush Limbaugh is a Big, Fat Idiot.� Rush Limbaugh is portly, not fat.
918. I hope that Ronald McDonald the clown�s purpose is not to make people laugh, because he�s rather ugly.� He would make little kids run away scared.
919. TV shows and movies have rating systems. Shouldn�t radio shows too?
920. Georgia Representative Bob Barr admitted to his extramarital affair as a �youthful indiscretion�.� Funny, he was 43 at the time.
921. It�s rather interesting that Bob Barr and Newt Gingrich, two of the leading attackers of the President in Bill Clinton�s impeachment trial, were themselves having affairs at the time of the investigation.
922. Why would Siberia bother to have indecent exposure laws? Who would do that there? There�s a frostbite risk�
923. It would save many head injuries if automobile and truck drivers also wore helmets.
924. Do you think that managers of baseball teams wear cups too?
925. People whine about the weather.� �It�s too hot.�� �It�s too cold.� �It�s too windy.� Stop complaining and bear it! It�s not like you can do anything to change it.
926. I hate it when someone says something, and another person repeats it, rephrasing it into a question.� For example, someone says, �I got the job,� and another says, �Oh, you got the job, huh?�� That�s annoying!
927. If a baseball pitcher deliberately hits a hitter with a pitch, why can�t he be criminally charged with assault?
928. Shouldn�t it be �illegally drunk�?� �Legally drunk� literally means �not criminally drunk�.
929. If the average car gets 25 miles per gallon, and the average gas price is $1.65 per gallon, then for every 15 or so miles, you spend a dollar just on gas.� And that doesn�t include costs for repairs, oil changes, etc. So a car is a terrible investment. It wastes your money.
930. Is it just my view, or is the phrase �Large enough for ����____, but small enough for ____� getting overused as a slogan or catchphrase?
931. Why do many movie trailers and promos give away the majority of the plot?
932. What�s the point of the baby sitting in the Michelin tires in their commercials?� What does the baby have to do with the tires?
933. When one returns after having left, someone usually says, �You�re back!� No, it�s just a figment of your imagination. Of course, they�re back!
934. WD-40 is the duct tape of liquids.
935. Ironically, most of the time, getting the silent treatment speaks louder than any yelling can do.
936. It�s the most embarrassing thing when you sneeze or cough in church. It echoes all around and everyone looks at you.
937. It�s senseless for teams to hold a pregame prayer to God to help them win the contest.� What makes them think that God will favor them over the other team?
938. Since Jesus Christ defended the laws of God, the Ten Commandments, could he be considered a lawyer?
939. Can�t you tell where I was when I came up with these last three thoughts?
940. It would be funny for a band to name itself �A Band Yet To Be Named�. Everyone that sees or hears the band will keep wondering when the band will come up with a name.
941. The culmination of impropriety:� playing George Michael�s �I Want Your Sex� at a wedding reception.
942. When it starts snowing outside, why do people just noticing it act like it�s the first time they�ve ever seen snowflakes in their lives?
943. Do they make shrink wrap just to frustrate those who open packages?
944. It�s �garage�, not �gararge�.� Say it right.
945. How dumb do the lottery people think we are? Do they really think that people would think that they can win if they don�t play?
946. Apparently, some geckos speak in British accents. At least that�s what Geico says.
947. I want to see the jury who awarded the defendant $2.9 million in the class action lawsuit when she spilled hot coffee on her lap. They must have picked twelve suckers to fall for that one.
948. Why do people ask some questions that they either know the answer to or expect a certain answer to?� What�s the point of it?
949. The question: �Can I borrow your trimmer?� What he�s actually thinking: �I�ll use it tomorrow, and then I�ll �forget� that I have your trimmer for a while.� I�ll really keep it and hope you forget about it.�
950. When Neil Young wrote and recorded �Hey Hey, My My,� did he not realize that Johnny Rotten was still alive then?
951. Who actually listens to the music playing in the supermarkets?
952. It�s bad enough that someone breaks or spills something in a supermarket. It�s downright embarrassing that they announce it over the store intercom.
953. Why don�t fire escape hatches go all the way down to the ground?
954. Is it in the unwritten rules of parenting that they must find as many opportunities as possible to embarrass their children?
955. Since when is the ball in softball soft?
956. What would happen if a person or company trademarked the trademark symbol �?
957. If I had five dollars for every time Rush Limbaugh panegyrized the conservatives or stultified the liberals, I could buy Microsoft from Bill Gates.
958. I hate it when people acknowledge that they�re embarrassing you yet don�t apologize for it.
959. Sure, students are encouraged heavily to express their creativity. So why, when Boards of Education need to cut the budget, do the boards look at cutting music and fine arts first? The irony is appalling.
960. Why do some companies add hydrogen sulfide to natural gas, so it can be detected in case of leakage, when H2S is itself noxious?
961. The ultimate embarrassment on the roads: being passed by a 1985 Honda Civic.
962. Has anyone told certain rock bands that five-minute guitar solos are too long and boring?
963. Why do drivers look at the other driver when they�re passing or being passed?
964. Is there anything that�s �bad, old fashioned�?
965. When people become aware that they�ve lost something, why do they instinctively pat their shirts as if it were under there?
966. Why do weather forecasters bother to give, say, 7-day forecasts? How can they possibly think that they�ll be accurate that far in advance?
967. I hate it when, when people start assailing someone�s opinion, the person says, �Well, that�s my opinion�� as if the person were insulted that their opinion was contradicted.� Opinions are made to be argued.
968. I hate it when people use the word �whatchamacallit� and expect others to know what they mean.
969. Why do some houses have windows on their ground-floor bathrooms?
970. You know you�re at an awkward Gershwin tribute concert when you see an electric slap bassist in the orchestra.
971. Superstition says that if you break a mirror, you�ll have seven years of bad luck.� Dr. Laura had better not look into one, or she�ll be doomed.
972. Why don�t motorcycles have lap belts?� They would make motorcycles safer.
973. What�s so funny about talking animals?� Why do they have to make movies about them? You might as well film a puppet show.
974. In this PC society, the golf term �handicap� is sure to be a victim.� They�ll begin to call it �stroke challenge�.
975. Eddie Vedder should really learn how to enunciate. I can never understand a word he�s singing.
976. Hanson actually claims that its song �MMMBop� is �deeper than it sounds�. What?� Snicker� snicker�.� No comment.
977. Why would we want to be �politically correct�? We shouldn�t really be doing things considered correct by political standards.
978. Most of the time, when singers say that they really wanted to keep their songs �open to interpretation�, they�re meaning that they themselves had no idea what they were trying to say.
979. I wonder if, for Y1K, the medieval people were thrown into a panic over whether their astrolabes would work at the turn of the year 1000.
980. Sure, they have sundials, but at night, when time had to be told, shouldn�t there have been moondials (for when the moon was bright enough)?
981. Why do people need to have 24K gold, diamond-studded watches when their sole purpose is to tell time?� A cheap Timex is good enough for me.
982. What could be stupider than putting soda vending machines in high schools to sugar up the high schoolers?
983. Why do schools teach value systems?� Isn�t that the parents� jobs?
984. Is it some kind of grave offense to have 11 items in the �10 Items or Fewer� checkout aisle?
985. Is there a diagnosed fear of being called into your boss� office? If not, there should be.
986. The most ironically named pop singer: the female singer of �Finally�, Ce Ce Peniston.
987. The second most ironically named pop singer: the rough blues-rock singer George Thorogood.
988. Isn�t �the best of the best� essentially just �the best�?
989. Why does Philip Morris bother to try to clean up its image and look good by contributing to college scholarship funds when they�ve already looked bad by permanently dirtying many youngsters� lungs already?
990. If shower manufacturers tell us not to turn the dial up too far lest the water scald us, then why don�t they make the dial so that we can�t turn it up that far?
991. People say, when it�s raining, �It was supposed to be sunny today.� What do you mean, �supposed to�? What�s the determiner of the weather, forecasters or forces of nature?� Hmm.
992. Why do comedians try to be comedians when they�re not on the job? They�re annoying!
993. Isn�t the sign �Men Working� stereotypical and sexist?
994. WUZAHHHHP! �� Ahem. Sorry.� Just had to get that off my chest.
995. Why do water bottles have expiration dates on them? It�s not like the water will spoil.
996. You know, I hate it when people� when people, uh� Jeez! I hate it when I forget a thought halfway through!
997. Isn�t �freezer burn� an oxymoronically phrased expression?
998. People whine when it starts to rain, even drizzle, and they have no umbrellas. I hate that. Come on!� It�s not like you�re the Wicked Witch of the West. You won�t melt.
999. It�s so annoying when people clap or tap on beats 1 and 3, the downbeats, when listening to jazz.� You�re not supposed to do that!� Jazz is all about syncopation and upbeats, which is the complete opposite!
1000. Don�t get too excited about this thought.� It�s not the millennium thought.� It just looks exciting because it ends in 3 zeroes; there was, however, no thought number zero. The real milestone thought is the next one.
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Go On to Thoughts 1001-1500...