1001. There.� Now you can celebrate and be happy.� This is the millennium thought, the thousandth anniversary of thought number one. So party on.
1002. Never trust a news agency that gets its leads from tabloid newspapers.
1003. Beer companies use to their advantages the adjective �ice-cold� to promote their products.� Well, yeah� aren�t all beers sold out of a freezer?� Of course your beer will be ice-cold� just like any other beer.
1004. People use the phrase �shrink down� as if they were distinguishing it from �shrink upward�.
1005. Doesn�t it worry you that they went through Preparations A through G before they finally got it right on the eighth try with Preparation H?
1006. Whoever arranged the QWERTY keyboard should be shot. It makes no sense that the most common letters require reaching.
1007. How are clams happy?
1008. Most, if not all, haired animals shed, including humans. With humans comes a unique characteristic among animals: it doesn�t grow back.
1009. Can�t movies just say �NC� for �no children�, or are there children over 17 that we need to distinguish?
1010. It�s so annoying when people keep asking you, �Are you sure that�� in order to try to dissuade you.� But all that does is solidify your own view more and more, defeating their purpose.
1011. Just when I feel like annoying people behind me, I stand still on escalators, with hands on rails, not walking at all. The impatient people behind me start to get frustrated, and I don�t even care.
1012. Were they too lazy to write a theme song for �60 Minutes�? The show needs one.
1013. Once, I had a dream that I woke up.� I swear, it was the most confusing thing that ever happened to me.
1014. There should be a law against driving while tired. It is just as dangerous as driving while drunk.
1015. I�m not thinking about anything right now. But� wait.� That would mean that I�m thinking about not thinking about anything, so I would be thinking about something.� I don�t know what to do.� I�m confused�
1016. If you looked at an actual human heart, I don�t know at all how you could see it as a symbol of love and emotion.
1017. Captain of the Philosophers� All-Name Team: Friedrich Nietzsche.
1018. I�d hate to be the �Charley� after whom the term �charley horse� was named.
1019. Have you ever wondered why, when you spin an egg on its side, the egg eventually spins on its end?� If you have, you have no life.
1020. Gymnastics would be a lot more interesting if it were combined with skeet shooting.
1021. A bad day on the golf course is far better than a good day at work. Unless you�re a touring golf professional.
1022. A psychic who didn�t say as a kid that he wanted to be one when he was grown up can�t be a good psychic.
1023. That millions of Americans subscribe to tabloid magazines is a testament to the stupidity of the human race.
1024. Unless humans want to fall down to second place on the intelligence list to monkeys, we better sharpen up quick.� If we�re not careful, we just might slip down a notch.
1025. I know it�s well intentioned, but �drive-through cemetery� sounds a bit insensitive.
1026. You know you�re not going well when your sense of humor is the best part of your golf game.
1027. When people smell dead skunks on the highway, how come they always have to point it out?
1028. Something�s telling me that the guy who�s in the Barney suit doesn�t want his friends to know that he�s the guy.� Or maybe he has no friends.
1029. Name-brand clothes are stupid and kitschy. I hate them.
1030. If a kid sees that �Santa Claus� is going to be in two different places at the same time, you�d think that the kid would have the common sense to ascertain that neither could be the �real� Santa Claus, seeing that he can only be in one place at a time.
1031. You know how they say that, when it thunders, angels must be bowling. Can it be said that, when it snows, God is having dandruff?
1032. A big advantage for wig wearers: none of that annoying �hat head�.
1033. IQ really bugs me.� People ask you, �What�s your IQ?� as if it�s some supreme measure of intelligence.� Just because you know some analogies and how to do basic spatial analysis doesn�t mean you�re smart. That knowledge test is no measure of true intelligence.
1034. SAT should stand for Standardized Absurd Twaddle. That�s all it is.
1035. It�s amazing and kind of ironic that these swear words that people blurt out thoughtlessly have these really elaborate etymologies.
1036. People tell you to �never say never� yet are contradicting their own advice in the same breath.
1037. Why do some companies spell �pack� �pak� on the packages? What�s the purpose of it? It�s annoying.
1038. Companies print on milk crates that �theft of this case is a crime.� Isn�t theft of anything a crime?
1039. Another thing on milk crates.� Other companies print on the crates that �misuse of this crate is a crime.� How could you misuse a milk crate?� Put soda bottles in it?
1040. What does it matter what the actual temperature is in the hot of summer or the cold of winter when what you actually feel is the heat index or windchill?
1041. �Pearly whites� doesn�t make sense, since pearls are bluish gray.
1042. Why is it that when one says, �Don�t ask,� the response is usually �What happened?�, �Why?�, or something to that effect?
1043. They can engineer watermelons to be seedless; how come they can�t do the same for cherries or peaches, i.e. make them pitless?
1044. People going to Princeton University can get a hat that says PU on it. I think that�s kinda funny.
1045. Why do deaths have to occur before safety measures about them have to be put into place?� That really bothers me.
1046. What if you chose a password made up of all asterisks? Then you�d be displaying the password right on the screen.
1047. Why do women ask the question, �Does this make me look fat?� if they are only expecting one answer?
1048. Has anybody ever asked if pants made their butts look too small?
1049. People who complain that there aren�t enough hours in the day should wait for the day that we turn back the clocks. That day is 25 hours long.
1050. If presidents aren�t required to be affiliated with any religion, then why are they required to swear with their hand on a Bible and under God?
1051. With all of these different phone plans in all these confusing commercials, I�ve learned just one thing.� Don�t believe any of them.
1052. What would people do in elevators if the numbers were on the middle of the wall and their shoes were Velcroed to the floor?
1053. If lawyers swear to defend the justice system, then why will they twist the facts in order that they should try to win every time?
1054. If �experts� tell you that fluoride is very harmful to your health, then why do they let you put toothpaste in your mouth in the first place?
1055. You know you�re really stupid if you challenge a puppet to a staring match.
1056. If high school teachers call them opinions, then why do a good portion of them only accept theirs as the �right� ones?
1057. The worst feeling in the world: to know that you could have been, but are not, and may never be.
1058. Jesus Christ martyred himself; how come He hasn�t been canonized?
1059. Ozzy Osbourne is one of the most underrated rock vocalists of all.
1060. What was New York trying to say, naming itself the Empire State within a democracy?
1061. The same curmudgeons who are complaining about how much easier life is for the young people are themselves the ones who are using microwaves, watching color TVs, using touch-tone phones, and driving cars with automatic transmissions.
1062. Is it some sort of insult for a car to be traveling in the rightmost �slow vehicle lane�?
1063. What�s the point of people�s shouting �Look! A shooting star!� when it�s going to be gone by the time they finish saying it anyway?
1064. It�s the worst thing when you�re listening to more than one source of music at once.� You can�t tune out all but one of them; you just have to put up with the annoying cacophony.
1065. It�s funny how people politely decline offerings of money and gifts, but secretly hope at the same time that they�ll eventually be given the offerings.
1066. I�m awfully tired of pedants who say that you can�t use �can� in place of �may� when almost every dictionary includes, in their definitions of �can�, the meaning �may� or a synonymous phrase for it.
1067. Who cares about correct spoken grammar when, number one, it�s harder to understand, number two, it�s harder to formulate, and number three, nobody uses it anymore!?
1068. You wonder why dogs don�t listen to your commands, yet you give them different commands to do the same thing and the poor dogs get confused and don�t know how to respond.
1069. Chocolate is extremely bad for dogs, yet the dogs don�t care; they still go up and beg for chocolate.� It�s like humans going up to a sample of arsenic and wondering if they can have it.
1070. Has it ever occurred to people that when they�re talking sillily to babies, the babies may be laughing at them and not with them?
1071. As long as stalls are compartmentalized, what�s so wrong about unisex bathrooms?� Businesses are leery about putting them in, but what do you think we all have in our homes?
1072. Doesn�t the sound of metal scraping on asphalt just make you cringe?
1073. Isn�t it convenient when doctors get sick? They know how to treat themselves.
1074. People who believe in technocracies are stupid. I don�t know how society can be run by machines if the only way that machines work is by programming from people. Therefore, the society would still be run by people.
1075. You know when you pass by the same person in totally random places several times in one day?� Is that just coincidence, or is God really trying to tell you something?
1076. The ultimate musical sacrilege: the Backstreet Boys� covering �Stairway to Heaven�.
1077. Okay.� There�s really no reason to believe anything that the Taliban says anymore. They just shouldn�t talk.
1078. It�s funny.� A lot of people thought, upon election, that George W. Bush was a moron. After the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001, everyone thought he was a genius.� Hmm�
1079. Here�s an interesting question: how would Al Gore have done in the aftermath of the �Black Tuesday� attacks?
1080. Why are people thrown into such a panic when the stock market plummets when history has shown that the economy will regulate itself every time?
1081. It�s interesting how we funded Osama bin Laden for Afghanistan in Russia�s invasion, and he somehow eventually ended up on the FBI�s �Most Wanted� list.
1082. Field hockey would be a lot more interesting if the balls were live hand grenades.
1083. The only reason that psychics and astrologers are so successful is that their predictions are so general, so wide-scoping, that they are almost certain to be right, no matter what.
1084. People say �mental telepathy� as if they were distinguishing it from something called �physical telepathy�.
1085. Why do people like getting drunk when the aftereffects (i.e. hangovers) are so unpleasant?� I see no point to it.
1086. Does the Freedom of Information Act allow hackers to get legally source codes for programs in order that they can phreak them?
1087. What�s so hallowed about All Hallows� Eve?
1088. Why can�t bicycles have alarms for them, too? Wouldn't it make sense?
1089. Why can�t they make shoes that are waterproof? Whenever it rains, your socks underneath get soaked, and thus your feet get uncomfortably freezing.
1090. Why are scientific researchers desperately finding health benefits for alcoholic beverages as if they were justifying habitually drinking alcohol?
1091. Why do highway rest-stop plazas serve beer at some of their restaurants?
1092. When you�re watching the end of a newscast, and they cut to the music, do you ever wonder what the newscasters are talking about when they�re turning to each other and restacking their piles of paper?
1093. Why is jaywalking illegal when pedestrians have the right of way at all times?
1094. Just think: if the Apollo 13 astronauts used duct tape in the first place, the problem might have been a lot easier to correct.
1095. Why does it matter what side you put the popcorn bag in the microwave on?
1096. There should be a named condition for the addiction to lip balm. You know that enough people have it.
1097. Helpful hint: never eat a bag of popcorn without having anything available to drink.
1098. It�s a rather strong, prejudicial statement about our society that the phrase �deadbeat dad� is in our lexica, yet �deadbeat mom� is not. Don�t even try to tell me that there aren�t deadbeat mothers.
1099. If you want your name to be in lights everywhere you go, seen by everyone, my one suggestion is: change your name to Exit.
1100. Why don�t they make graphite (non-mechanical) pencils with clips on them?
1101. Do birds �flip the human� to other birds?
1102. Why is it called �prejudice� when it�s against blacks or women, yet called �justice� if it�s against whites or men? Isn�t it the same thing?
1103. Most fitness ads begin with a question to the effect of �Do you want (firmer abs/a better body)?�� Why do they even ask this question?
1104. Is pop culture moving gradually toward finding movies entirely about stupid people funnier?
1105. �Parking violation� sounds more like what a couple could get arrested for doing in a stopped car.
1106. Do people laugh at stupidity just to mask their own insecurities?
1107. Are chick flicks designed to make women think that love will always work out, fitting together, perfectly, notch by notch?
1108. Upon seeing a student driver on the roads, have you, as a driver or pedestrian, ever thought about giving them a little test, i.e. darting out into the road or cutting them off on the highway?
1109. Are humans the only species that are our own natural predators?
1110. Do you think that every contestant on �Supermarket Sweep� was given some sort of illegal stimulant before the show? They react as if they�ve won a multi-million dollar prize when all that they�ve actually won is something in the area of $1200.
1111. Why rake leaves at all?� They decompose in a short time, and it isn�t like they�re impediments anyway.
1112. I�m waiting for the point when George Lucas Productions will get so confused by the order of the Star Wars movies that they�ll be forced to use �Star Wars 0� or �Star Wars �1� as titles.
1113. When will screen writers find more original things to say in place of �Let�s get outta here!�, or better� yet, stop using the line altogether?
1114. What is ever the point of asking the question, �Where�d you lose it?�
1115. Something for the �Things Nobody Will Ever Care About� category: the Starland Vocal Band Reunion Tour.
1116. There should be a� �Rent-an-Anteater� service for those with bug problems.
1117. Pick a pasta shape and stick with it.� They all taste the same anyway!
1118. What�s the point of these elaborate screen savers? People are captivated by them! All they do is provide even more distraction when you�re doing nothing on the computer anyway�
1119. If there were a Hypochondriac Club, how many people would feel up to going to any of its meetings?
1120. It�s so annoying that, when voice-over translations are done for newsy programs, they don�t dub out the foreign voice.� Most of the time, you have a hard time understanding the translator.
1121. Isn�t it funny that whenever you see two people exercise-walking together, they�re matching each other�s stride and pace almost exactly?
1122. I get the impression that, according to a good portion of women, men get lost so often that the women probably think that it was a wonder they found their way through the birth canal.� That�s how ridiculous it�s gotten.
1123. What�s so rude about gas expulsion from the human body when it is entirely natural?� What, because it makes funny noises?
1124. Shampoo admen: some advice.� Find a synonym for �exfoliate�.� I�m tired of hearing that word.
1125. Why is it necessary to have a draft system? Why not just train a larger army? Wouldn�t it make sense to have more people who are more trained?
1126. I feel like I�m being cheated out of sleep if I dream about doing work.
1127. If there were a Monopolizers� Club, how long would it take before there is only one member of it?
1128. I would like to hear a yodeler sing �Who Let The Dogs Out�.
1129. If there were a Laryngologist Pornographers� Club, would it� well, never mind�
1130. I won�t continue the last thought, but I will say that, if it were continued, it would probably contain the phrase �tongue depressor�.
1131. What could be a better job than a hypnotist�s assistant? You basically get paid to sleep!
1132. They should make battery-powered vacuum cleaners, so that there would be no annoying cord to get in the way or limit range.
1133. It�s surprising that a legend hasn�t been concocted explaining what happens to the one sock that mysteriously disappears in the dryer.
1134. Don�t you hate it when you repeatedly keep getting asked the same question?� Don�t you feel like just taking a tape recorder, recording the answer, and pushing play every time?
1135. Why do companies advertising pure water compete on the basis of taste?
1136. Why do people who are lucky enough to look like celebrities get so much acclaim and even, sometimes, money?� Isn�t that kind of cheap?
1137. The most overused yet stupidly obvious statement: �Things just aren�t what they used to be.�
1138. Why do we say that �beauty is only skin deep�, yet also say that �the clothes make the man�?� That�s a mixed message.
1139. Let�s face it.� Not one cellular phone company makes phones that get crystal-clear reception everywhere you go.� Somebody has to be wrong here.
1140. If you went to Germany and said that you like eating frankfurters, would they think you�re a cannibal?
1141. People often say that a person who �can stop traffic� has a voluptuous or aesthetic figure.� Wouldn�t you also stop and look at an extremely ugly person if you saw one while driving, though?
1142. If there were a Punning Ballroom Dancers� Club, would the secretary take the minuets for the meetings?
1143. I think palm readers have it pretty easy. The predictions that they make are for so far in advance that the one being read will completely forget about the predictions when they come true or prove to be false.
1144. I�m surprised that, with all these online activities having �e-� attached to their names, there is no such thing as �e-rage� for sending viruses via e-mail or for hacking.
1145. If the government really wants to effect equal representation via the Electoral College, why don�t they give each district their own vote instead of having this all-or-nothing concept with each state?
1146. If they consider rabbits� feet good luck charms, they�re not really considering the rabbits� perspectives there.
1147. Superstition is the metaphysical excuse for coincidence.
1148. If it isn�t actually happening, there would be big money on the black market for those devices that emergency vehicles have to change stoplights to green.
1149. Funny, sidewalks are built to save grass from excessive foot traffic, but they dig up entire strips of grass in order to build them in the first place.
1150. Rap is not one of the worst styles of music ever performed. That�s because it isn�t even music.
1151. Since when is the Spanish �los� pronounced like the English �loss�? Why do we say it that way when we say �Los Angeles�?
1152. The new culmination of impropriety (see thought 952): playing George Michael�s �I Want Your Sex� at a family reunion.
1153. Go figure: �the three R�s� are actually one R, one W, and one A. If we can�t even spell those basic words, we�re in trouble.
1154. A follow-up on the previous thought.� How do we know that are our kids are learning the three R�s right if we can�t even get them right?
1155. I would like to see a picture of the average family. It would be especially interesting to see what 2.7 children look like.
1156. A habit that should be wiped from the Earth: answering the phone with �Yello?�
1157. Why is it that whenever something significantly newsworthy happens, some famous musician has to write a song about it? That is so annoying!
1158. How do kids really think that they�ll get away with smoking pot in their dorm rooms?� It�s not like the RA isn�t going to smell it. Hmm� maybe they�re too happy to notice�.
1159. Why do answering machines tell people what to do when they get the messaging system?� �Leave your name, number, and a message after the beep�� You would think that, by then, people calling know how to use an answering machine�
1160. I hate that desperate, panicky feeling that comes about you when you�re walking home from your chemistry experiment and you see several fire trucks racing toward the chem lab past you.
1161. I bet that you could give any random title to any old abstract painting and, by the power of suggestion, people would always believe that the title actually does describe what�s in the painting.
1162. How much do you want to bet that, when the cameras stop rolling on the set of �Survivor�, there�s a buffet table waiting for the contestants? Let�s be honest here.
1163. If marijuana were to be legalized, how many college campuses around the US would open up accessory stores?� Or, more answerably, how many campuses would not?
1164. How come we never call Martha Dandridge Washington �the mother of our country�?
1165. I think that the tops of flies should be Velcro strips instead of buttons. That way, it would be easier and quicker to go to the bathroom.
1166. Why do people often ask, �Who says God doesn�t have a sense of humor?�� I�ve never heard anyone say that God does or does not have a sense of humor, nor is it much of an issue whether He has one.
1167. How can one be �naked as a jaybird� when jays have feathers?
1168. How do chickens know how to run with their head off when they lack a brain in that situation?
1169. If I wanted to hear a symphony, I�d go to a classical concert. I really don�t want to hear one from a cellular phone.
1170. Using a jackhammer is always a boring job. [Rim shot�]
1171. If �The Ugly Duckling� is about not passing immediate judgment on others, then why did Hans Christian Andersen call the duckling ugly in the first place?
1172. Why is it called the �miracle of birth� if it happens so often? Anything that happens that often can�t be too miraculous.
1173. If you started reading this from thought number one and have reached this point after continuous reading, I pity you. Find something more exciting to do, honestly�
1174. Why do they never keep the FBI copyright warning at the beginning of a video on the screen long enough so that the viewers can read all of it?
1175. Wouldn�t it just be the sensible thing to do to put all the groups with horses in them at the back of every parade?
1176. Something that�s very inappropriate to do, yet potentially very funny: sending a Strip-O-Gram to your boss or boss� spouse.
1177. Sleep deprivation is my number one motivation for these thoughts. Can�t you tell?
1178. Don�t you hate those whiners who complain, �Why am I the one who always has to�?�� Trust me: one, it can�t possibly happen that you always must, and two, nobody will empathize with a sore whiner.
1179. Is it really necessary for local news stations to proclaim that their news is live?� If it isn�t broadcast live, then it really isn�t news, is it?
1180. You have to wonder why the cameramen who were filming the people running from the World Trade Center on 9/11/2001 weren�t running away themselves.
1181. Singing in the shower: now that�s a real soap opera.
1182. If many New York City taxicab drivers cannot speak English, then how can they understand where you want to go?
1183. It�s interesting that packages of cigarettes contain disclaimers about its major health risks, yet things like, say, packages of hamburger don�t have warnings about risks of heart disease or the like.
1184. Do smokers care about the Surgeon General warning on cigarette packages?� It hasn�t really done a good job stopping people from smoking anyway.
1185. Why do we need to specify that certain baskets are laundry baskets? It�s not like they can�t hold other things.
1186. Why is it that weather people have to have those annoying icons that accompany the forecasts?� Use either the picture or the words.� I mean, come on. It isn�t like we don�t know what �mostly cloudy� looks like.
1187. Why do game show/talk show hosts say, �We�re back!�? Wouldn�t you already know that?
1188. What exactly is so secretive about Victoria�s Secret?
1189. Good Lord, have you ever seen commercials for Victoria�s Secret? Talk about ignoring your demographic. Those ads are geared toward men� even though, last I checked, the products were for women�
1190. Instead of keeping on asking men to ask for directions, why can�t women just do it themselves?
1191. Shampoo companies better be careful of the idiots when they write labels for their bottles.� If they put the instruction �Wash, rinse, repeat�� on them, the idiots won�t know when to stop.
1192. Do you think it�s some sort of letdown when some 19-year-old college guy gets up on stage on �The Price Is Right� and then finds out he�s playing for a bedroom set?
1193. Nabisco should feel violated.� Hydrox ripped their Oreo idea off for Hydrox cookies.
1194. Why do people tell you to close your eyes when you imagine? Why should closing your eyes make a difference?
1195. How did they hire an orchestra to play such serious classical background music for such flippant songs as were in the �South Park� movie? What was going through the minds of those musicians?
1196. They should have mosh pits at senior centers. Just throw on a little Kenny G, and watch �em go!
1197. I�m thinking of a number between 1 and 100. See if you can guess it.
1198. Why is it that shredders have warnings on them that indicate that you shouldn�t put your hand in one?� Who was stupid enough to merit this warning?
1199. Candidate for Idiot of the Millennium: any one of those guys who go up to Alaska, or Canada, or wherever they go, take of their shirts, and jump into some freezing water dressed in just shorts.
1200. I think that it�s stupid that they deliberately skip 13 when labeling floors.� One, you can�t deny that the floor physically is number thirteen in order, and two, why should we cater to triskaidekaphobics, who are in the vast minority of the population?
1201. I�m noticing a pattern.� Almost everyone who defames golf as a silly activity and not a sport has never played golf in their lives. Hmm�
1202. As a sequel to the �Where�s Waldo� series of books, there should be a �Where�s Cheney� book to see if we can figure out his undisclosed location.
1203. On December 15, 2001, I made a momentous discovery that will forever change our lives on Earth.� I found that Lucky Charms watches are waterproof.
1204. On December 16, 2001, I made a harrowing discovery that will forever blacken the days of every human being.� I found that Lucky Charms watches are actually not waterproof.
1205. What is it about �The Price Is Right� that turns 40-year-old men into excited 3-year-olds?� Can you imagine if the same thing happened on �Jeopardy!�?
1206. It�s been said that everyone should have a theme song. Mine happens to be the Beatles� �I�m a Loser.�
1207. What happens if you�re a psychic and you start reminiscing? Is that like living in the present?
1208. If you dreamt about having insomnia, how would you know you were dreaming?
1209. Believe it or no this sentence pass Microsoft Words grammar checking tool with no mistakes that is, testaments to fallibility of these tool?
1210. There are three things that Carrot Top desperately needs: a haircut, a life, and a sense of humor.
1211. Isn�t it kind of morbid that pharmaceuticals advertise? It�s like saying, �We hope you get sick so you can buy our product.�
1212. Do those perfume people really expect to sell you their product when they spray it in your face like Mace?
1213. Do you ever think about those people who write books about how life is so happy and good, that you should enjoy it all the time, that they just might be a little into ingesting the �happy juice�?
1214. Imagine the guilt you�d feel if you bought someone a lottery ticket or two for a gift, and he wins a multimillion dollar prize.
1215. It�s amazing that Old MacDonald could keep up with caring for so many animals, considering his age.
1216. Ron Popeil has the gullibility of the general population to thank for his being in business.
1217. What was Little Miss Muffet thinking when she ate the whey, when whey is the absolutely disgusting serum formed from coagulation when cheese is made? Yuck!
1218. Irony of ironies: the most stolen book in the United States is the Bible.
1219. Lisa Marie Presley should have considered the offshoots of interspecies dating before she met Michael Jackson.
1220. What�s the use of blow-dryers?� Have people ever heard of towels?� They�re so much faster and more effective.
1221. Why do companies indicate on containers that the cinnamon is ground?� Duh� We can see that�
1222. Let me get this straight.� If a man complains about a woman, he�s considered a crybaby, but if the reverse happens, it�s considered justified?� Maybe I don�t get it�
1223. Gather all the idiots into one place.� Have a dead end street, and put a �one way� sign on it.
1224. What a coincidence: I�m writing this thought on Christmas Eve, 12/24. (Pause for reaction) What?� You don�t care?� Well, it fascinates me anyway�
1225. Do streets with outlets have �alive ends�? What�s �dead� in a �dead end�?
1226. Nike�s former slogan: �Life is short.� Play hard.�� My slogan: �Life is long enough.� Sleep hard.�
1227. If someone told you that he was a pathological liar, would you believe him?
1228. It�s pretty sad that mall Santa Clauses get paid to defraud children, whose parents pay them as they lie to children about the real Santa.
1229. Does Gap really think that having zombie-like kids sing classic songs will sell clothes for them?
1230. Why do they give you the phone number for Dial-A-Ride in case you need a ride because you�re impaired?� Do they think you�ll actually remember it if you�re drunk?
1231. When will basketball crowds realize that waving their arms and making noise don�t distract a free throw shooter at all?
1232. Why do clocks have indicators that say whether the time is AM or PM? It isn�t like people can�t tell which one it is�
1233. I think there should be a sacrifice of the three remaining virgins in the NBA.
1234. People indicate �the look on one�s face� as if distinguishing it from a look on another body part.
1235. You know, I heard that Britney Spears lip-syncs her concerts now. What is it about her and fake things?
1236. �Be fruitful and multiply� is redundant. You can�t do one without doing the other.
1237. Here�s what mystifies me, okay?� I see two gas stations across the street from each other. Station B asks five cents more per gallon than Station A.� Station B has more cars filling up at it than does Station A.� Why does that happen?
1238. Here�s how to tell who the idiots are. Announce that if they listen really closely at night, when they�re outside, they can hear the �Man in the Moon� actually singing. Look out at about midnight and see who is outside cupping their hands to their ears and gazing intently skyward.
1239. One of the FAQs on the Selective Service System website is �What if I�m an illegal alien?� or something of that nature. Believe it or not, according to the SSS website, illegal aliens must register for the draft by law.� What�s the point of that?
1240. Please explain to me why �Canuck� is an offensive and disparaging term for a Canadian, yet a Canadian hockey team calls itself the Vancouver Canucks.
1241. I can�t see why �Just For Men� hair color can�t also be used by women. It�s not like men�s and women�s hair are different.
1242. When people ask, �Is there an echo in here?�, it�s a pointless question, because they�ll find out the answer right after they start talking.
1243. Why do CBers have to have this stupid code lingo? Why can�t hams just say �everything�s OK� instead of �ten four�?� Is it some sort of secret code they�re hiding from someone?� Obviously not�
1244. If you�re going to warn people about the potential dangers of drinking, do it in large print on the front of the bottle, not in that teeny print on the back of it.
1245. Why do people emphasize time for �reflection�? It�s stupid to live in the past. What�s done is done.� The only �time for reflection� I allow myself is when I look in the mirror.
1246. How is �absolutely free� different from simply �free�?
1247. Do porn stars call their genitalia �public parts�? They should.
1248. Why would any advertiser want to feature ads in swimsuit issues or nudie magazines?� It�s not like anyone would stop on an ad page in any of those issuings.
1249. Why do they give you the first two digits of the year on checks? One, it isn�t like we need prompting when we�re writing the year, and two, with all the writing done on checks, it isn�t like we�d be belabored by writing two extra digits.
1250. One thing about giving blood: sometimes, because you get really loopy and lightheaded, you get really fascinated with the ceiling tiles while you�re lying down and looking up.� It�s rather strange.
1251. Aren�t you glad when dogs are neutered or spayed? Can you imagine what they�d do to our legs if they weren�t?
1252. It mystifies me how people could mistake the human form of Superman for a bird or an airplane.
1253. It�s bad enough how Ricky Martin was surrounded by four other talentless guys in the talentless group Menudo.� That he went solo to expose his own lack of talent crossed the line into the horrible territory.
1254. It bugs me when commercials for Preparation H and similar topical medicines ask, �Got hemorrhoids?�� What business is it to them whether I do or don�t have them, anyway?
1255. I do a lot of really good impressions. Unfortunately, they�re all of myself.
1256. How can they possibly know that no two snowflakes are exactly alike?
1257. Marriage is an institution; does this mean that, if I get married, I�m automatically committed to an asylum?
1258. What do burning pants have to do with liars?
1259. How come those people who model in smoking ads have such nice white teeth?
1260. Is it possible to make a movie about a guy who is camera-shy?
1261. Is there anything done that isn�t done? Of course �what�s done is done�! Duh�
1262. I am an anti-Cartesian.� I don�t feel like thinking, but I am anyway.
1263. �Stimulus package� sounds more like what Bill Clinton had in office than a plan to boost the economy.
1264. They have wheelchair basketball.� How about old-lady-with-walker basketball?
1265. Who can be stupid enough to shell out $29.95 for a pay-per-view �pro wrestling� event which isn�t even real in the first place?
1266. What kind of �sport� is �pro wrestling� if there�s no such thing as �amateur wrestling�, �college wrestling�, or �minor league wrestling�? How can they really be �professionals� if they don�t even work their way to the top?
1267. Only in the United States could a severed penis be the central focus of many legitimate news programs for weeks.
1268. Do you think that John Wayne Bobbitt had phantom pains?
1269. �Severed penis in a cornfield.�� Doesn�t that phrase just roll of the tongue?
1270. This is the only point where you are ever going to see the phrase �severed penis� three times in the span of four thoughts. So you might as well enjoy yourself as much as you can here, �cause it ain�t gonna happen again.
1271. Every New Year, I make one and only one resolution, and I have no problem keeping it.� I resolve not to make any resolutions.
1272. Why can�t you enjoy things in the comfort of other people�s homes too? Why does it always have to be �in the comfort of your own home�?
1273. Why do American people think that talking really slowly, yet still in English, to foreign people will make them understand the English?
1274. If you try to look ugly in a driver�s license photo, will it come out looking nice?
1275. What exactly were those people thinking when they named their hair removal product �Nad�s�?
1276. Wait a minute.� Jeff Probst, the host of �Survivor�, is in the same area as the contestants vying for the prize, and is there for the same duration.� So how come he isn�t becoming gaunt and insane?
1277. When you come across an annoying person, don�t you feel like just taking some Spackle and smearing it right down his mouth?
1278. How can you take transvestites seriously when they deliberately conceal and lie about their own genders anyway?
1279. It boggles me how people think that they can kill someone and get away with it.
1280. Anna Nicole Smith�s income comes from two main sources: being photographed naked, and marrying really old, rich men, getting in their wills, and inheriting their money.� There�s something wrong with this.
1281. The person who wrote �Twinkle Twinkle Little Star� should have sued whoever wrote the �Alphabet Song� for plagiarism; those songs have the same melody.
1282. Does it ever cross the minds of models who pose nude, what most people would be doing while looking at them, naked, in the ensuing pictures? It doesn�t bother them at all?
1283. �Naked picture� is a misnomer.� The picture itself isn�t naked; the subject of the picture is.
1284. I get a kick out of photographers who say that their art is simply �appreciation of the human form�.� I mean, come on.� Let�s tell it like it really is here.� They want to see people get naked in front of them.
1285. Doesn�t it make you scratch your head, reading the last five thoughts, how the one about �Twinkle Twinkle Little Star� got in there among the other four, all about naked people?
1286. I think it�s a little presumptuous that those signs on stores say, �Yes, we�re open.�� They assume that the question is �Are you open?� when it isn�t necessarily so.
1287. Who says geeks are inferior?� No!� I�m a geek, and damned proud of it, too!� To paraphrase James Brown: �Say it loud� I�m geek and I�m proud!�
1288. The Earth, if you�re Christian and you believe this way, started out with only two people, right?� So, if I�m looking at this correctly, every single person is, no matter how distant, a relative of every single other Earthling that has ever existed� since we all trace our lineage back to two people, right?
1289. Why does Disney think that movies about animals who play human sports and lead human sports teams to championships are exciting?
1290. How can TV stations show promo clips for shows that will be live?
1291. Personally, I think the slogan �It�s magically delicious!� is uninspiring. I don�t understand how simply being magical can enhance deliciousness.
1292. How convenient would it be if Nike went into the porno business? They wouldn�t even have to change their slogan.
1293. What does trouble smell like, anyway?
1294. TV Guide is perennially in the top five magazines in the United States in circulation. This further substantiates that Americans are a subculture of zombie-faced, glazed-eyed, pasty-skinned humanoids.
1295. Why are there never any �starting touches�?
1296. Something is telling me that McDonald�s is using false advertising. Just look at their slogan. �We love to see you smile.� Whom are they kidding?� Humph.� More like, �We love to see you open your wallet.�
1297. Look� I�m a boxer!� Watch me throw random aimless punches in air as I jog in place to train myself to beat the living daylights out of people who actually do exist and can throw punches and do move mobilely, unlike air� hey, watch me go!
1298. Why is everybody so fixated on the hour, half-hour, and quarter-hour? Why does everything start at, say, 8:00, 6:30, or 3:45?� People should do something different, like, say, starting a meeting at 12:42, or something.
1299. People often say, �Let�s do something different for a change.� Well� you�re not going to do the identical thing for a change, are you?
1300. Life, as I see it, is just one big, long daydream out of which you never snap.
1301. At the risk of sounding selfish, I say this: love is one of those things that you swear cannot possible exist until you have it, and when you do finally find it, you feel like a born fool for ever having denied its existence at all.
1302. Whenever someone feeling unconfident gets a compliment, he or she says, �Do you really mean that?�� That bugs me.� Would one be saying that if they didn�t mean it?
1303. One of the most glaring statements of the obvious that I have ever heard: �You have the rest of your life ahead of you.� Duh�
***end of Random Croce Thoughts Book I***
1304. How can those commercials in infomercial style know if you do indeed �call within the next ten minutes�?� Aren�t those commercials broadcast at different times on different networks all across the country?
1305. The chances of picking the correct six numbers in the lottery are just worse than one in eight million.� Wait until the pot gets to, say, twenty million dollars. Buy one ticket for each possible combination. You�ve got yourself a certain win and certain profit.
1306. How are birds not bothered by perching on power lines?
1307. If I say a random thought in the forest, and no one is there to hear it, am I still annoying?
1308. If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is there to hear it, the lumberjack was wearing pretty tight earplugs.
1309. How is it possible to be in a �life and death� situation? You can�t have both.
1310. I�m thinking that the metal band Anthrax isn�t so appropriately named anymore.
1311. Isn�t it ironic that the country known for being the only neutral European country during both World Wars is best recognized for making a weapon, the Swiss Army Knife?
1312. If William Shatner ever got into a life-threatening spot, would he need a guest host for �Rescue 911�?
1313. Just pretend this thought doesn�t exist. I don�t want to frighten you in the case that you might happen to be triskaidekaphobic.
1314. Doesn�t it violate confidentiality when news programs doing prescription-related stories show pharmacists or pharmacy technicians giving pictured customers specific drugs?
1315. Gee, I�m sure glad I don�t live in La Crosse, Wisconsin. There is an actual law there stating that one cannot �worry a squirrel�.� Whew. My main hobby is worrying squirrels. It�s a good thing I don�t live there.
1316. Why do we need to see crude schematics from skin-conditioning commercials that show how the vitamin D is absorbed into the dermal area? Believe me, I can imagine what it looks like.
1317. Just how many �patented time-release formulas� are there?
1318. As I think of Osama bin Laden hopping from cave to cave while we Americans bomb the caves trying to hit him, all I can picture is this big, incendiary game of Whack-A-Mole.
1319. Poor James Bond.� All he is is a bringer of bad luck.� He can�t seem to go anywhere without some kind of troublesome thing happening to him.
1320. What�s with this �I seem to have forgotten� expression? Don't sugarcoat it. Admit it.� You forgot and you know it.
1321. What�s with this �certified pre-owned� label? It�s freakin� USED! Call it what it really is!
1322. I hate when there�s this tiny speckle on a piece of paper, and I keep trying to brush it off before I realize that it�s a pen mark.
1323. If someone went back in time and made some major change altering history, how would people in the present feel this change?
1324. As I see it, misanthropes� arguments against the human race are getting more and more justifiable by the minute.
1325. Personally, I find the insanity plea for murder cases to be a bit redundant. I don�t care; if you kill another human being, there is something seriously wrong with your mental state.
1326. I love it when drivers pass a speed trap, and, when they get a little bit down the road past it, take a short, nervous peek in one of the mirrors to see if the prowl car has started after them.
1327. If the Taliban outlawed television, then why did they broadcast Osama bin Laden�s tapes on al-Jazeera TV?
1328. It�s really annoying when someone puts you on hold for so long that you occasionally have to switch hands holding the telephone.
1329. If something is �needless to say�, then why do people say it anyways?
1330. Why do some stores label where the security cameras are hidden? That just makes it obvious for thieves to know where they can�t get caught stealing things.
1331. How would you label a guy who brags about his modesty?
1332. A suggestion for the producers of the final Broadway performance of Phantom of the Opera: let the chandelier actually fall onto the audience for an added effect.
1333. Forget time travel.� What I want explained to me is why, when I sit up in a cushioned chair, I find, ten minutes later, to my complete surprise, that my butt has traveled halfway down the cushion.
1334. Tell me why the mask in the logo of Phantom of the Opera is for the top half of the face while the one the Phantom actually wears covers the left side.
1335. Another suggestion for the last Phantom of the Opera performance: do an all-naked version.
1336. �It�s amazing how they made the clothing transition from bedizened, colorful, and psycho-frilly in the 15th century to baggy, uglily variegated, and overly revealing in the here and now.
1337. ��Talk about Michael Jackson.� He�s so repulsive, he reflowers virgins.
1338. Talk about Michael Jackson again. He�s so repulsive, he needs beer goggles to get to ugly.
1339. People call me a genius, but I don�t understand how I can be one when I have no clue what I�m doing the majority of the time.
1340. How can people �agree to disagree�? It�s not possible. Once you�ve disagreed, it�s impossible to coincide on issues that you clash on�
1341. I�ve invented a word that perfectly describes me.� I�m a deetz. It�s a combination of the words �dork�, �geek�, and �klutz�.
1342. I am like a bag of pretzels. I�m full of twists and turns, not very fatty, and sold in many supermarkets.� Wait, that last one didn�t come out right�
1343. If the Scarecrow didn�t have a brain, how did he manage to garner up the motor skills to skip along the Yellow Brick Road?
1344. Someone cuts off your penis throws it into a cornfield, and suddenly you become a porn star? That�s the modus operandi? This world is in a sad state of affairs.
1345. If it is indeed true that they used dogs to sniff out John Wayne Bobbitt�s penis in that cornfield, how exactly were the dogs trained to pick up that scent?
1346. If a picture paints a thousand words, how come we need art critics?
1347. Why do some people organize their junk drawers?� It�s junk! It�s not supposed to be organized!
1348. My goal in life: to be one of those toothily grinning guys who holds out the pack of Mentos at arm�s length to end the commercials.
1349. Just why is a perfect score in figure skating 6, where anywhere else it�s 10?� What�s the point of that?
1350. I�ll tell you what�s annoying. Why can�t they make a freaking vacuum cleaner that doesn�t leave those annoying, ugly tracks on carpets?
1351. I�ll tell you who�s annoying. People who think that there should be some sort of taboo on dating people two of three classes separated from them. What difference does it make? Love is ageless!
1352. Grr!� I hate people when they kiss and tell.� It�s so unchivalrous to brag to one�s buddies, �the guys�, about a date. It�s so disrespectful.
1353. I�d like to know what percentage of the time telemarketers actually sell something.
1354. When I get bored, all I do is sit in one of those office chairs with adjustable height. I hold on to the lever, and I keep going down and up for several minutes.� After that, I am placated.
1355. What exactly is conceded at a concession stand?
1356. Why do scientists think that humans will react the same way to medicines as rats will? Their bodies aren�t even close.
1357. �100% satisfaction or your money back.� What happens if you�re 98.2% satisfied?
1358. To all you whiny conservatives: get over it.� Okay, so you didn�t have all the modern conveniences that we have.� Yeah, life was tougher for you.� But it�s not our fault.� So don�t take it out on us.
1359. I love to observe those people who take pens apart completely simply to see if they can put the pens back together.� They are case studies in wasted energy.
1360. I bet space stations would be dull places to work.� They have no atmosphere.
1361. How can you have thunderstorms without showers?
1362. What the sign reads: �Emergency Exit Only�. What the sign means: �Nothing is really going to happen if you decide to open this door.� We just enjoy using subterfuge to get you not to go out this door instead of just telling you not to use the door.�
1363. Why do signs saying �Take one� also mention the word �Free�?� Why do they need to do that?� They�re encouraging people to take one anyways.
1364. I have an abnormal talent. I can eat an entire pack of Mentos without squeezing or crumpling the pack at all.� And I�m really proud of that too.
1365. Forget germ warfare. Just have about a million people sneeze at each other at the same time.
1366. I�d hate to be the last guy who lost in the world�s largest ever game of musical chairs.
1367. I like to run into hard objects headlong at full speed.� People look at me strangely in public places.� But I like what I do, and I keep doing it.� It�s not like I�m going to stop, because that�s what has been giving me random thoughts in the first place.
1368. I hate it when I�m showering in the dorm late at night and a couple drunk guys walk in the bathroom. I don�t know why, but, even though I�m separated by two curtains, it�s unsettling to be naked in the same room with drunk guys.
1369. You know what else is unsettling? Waking up to find that your pants are on backwards.� That�s just weird. Thought you might like to know that.
1370. I have a new motto. �I don�t want to ____. I�m too lazy.�� Fill in the blank with anything you want.
1371. You know what really annoys me? When people are walking up the stairs, and they stab their foot into each step and drag the foot. That scraping sound is so annoying. Pick up your freaking feet!
1372. You know, I should sue the justice system of the United States for letting all these people collect ridiculous sums of money from all those frivolous lawsuits.
1373. Candidate for Idiot of the Century: habitual drinker of Diet Tab.
1374. Why does Pepperidge Farm bother to detail smiley faces on each individual Goldfish? It�s way too much work, considering how little people care about them.
1375. Shouldn�t sweet and sour sauce just cancel itself out and not taste like anything?
1376. �How�s the weather outside?� You mean, there�s no weather inside?
1377. A sanity test: say, �I really like your pants,� ten times consecutively.� If you don�t laugh, you�re sane.
1378. I used Just For Men hair color. It took six minutes. I got really mad. I sued them for false advertising.
1379. Why are horoscopes so optimistic? It isn�t like nothing bad is going to happen to everybody.� Just once, I�d like to see something like, �Aquarius: You will be paralyzed from the neck down within the next six months.�
1380. It was once a Christian belief that left-handers were possessed.� I have proof positive that this exists still. Bill Clinton is a lefty.
1381. I am like a television. I am colorful, I am entertaining, I am often found in a TV room, and people stare at me for hours. Okay, maybe not the last one.
1382. It�s rather annoying how Old West movie cowboys throw open the saloon doors and take one step every fifteen seconds, pausing for dramatic effect between steps.� Just once, I�d love to see one, say, moonwalk into the OK Corral.
1383. Is it just my view, or are a disproportionate percentage of people (pardon the remark) fat on �The Price is Right� compared to on other game shows?
1384. Baha Men: stop obsessing over who let the dogs out, and find them and cage them again.
1385. Whatever you do, if somebody asks you if you can help them study for their proctology exam, just say no immediately. I�ll leave it at that. Just a helpful hint.
1386. �Between a rock and a hard place� is such a cop-out idiom.� They couldn�t think of something more specific than �hard place�? I find that hard to believe.
1387. �Beef bourguignon�: one of the neatest culinary terms to say.
1388. How are jaybirds naked? They�ve got feathers.
1389. Isn�t saying �totally naked� a redundancy?� �Naked� means �wearing no clothes.�� So you really can�t be �partially naked.�
1390. A healthy, helpful hint. If you�re looking to pick someone up at a party, make sure it isn�t your family reunion.
1391. So I don�t adopt the social customs of folding my pants and shirts a certain same way every time. What does it matter?!� I�m gonna stuff them in the drawers anyway.
1392. If Roseanne and Fabio reproduce, would their child be normal-looking?
1393. I�m really impressed with Microsoft Word.� The name �Fabio� passes its spellchecker.
1394. Take a look at the Lean Mean Grilling Machine.� �The fat just drips right off.�� Take a look at its pitchman and inventor, George Foreman.� Does it look like George has used it much?
1395. Sphygmomanometer: yet another one of the funnest English words to say.
1396. If professors and teachers can type phrases into search engines to check for plagiarism on those term paper websites, then how were the webmasters of those sites stupid enough to register the sites with the search engines?
1397. I think the threat, �Don�t even think about it�, is a bit useless.� First off, what harm can be done by simply thinking without doing, and secondly, how would the threatener know that the person is thinking about it?
1398. You know those people who blow up abortion clinics?� They don�t make sense.� They claim they�re prolife, but they explode bombs to kill people.� Can you explain this?
1399. If God is omnipresent, do you ever get the eerie feeling that, when the wind is blowing, He is breathing into your ears?
1400. It�s easy for the parents of a kid who�s a visual learner to teach the kid the birds and the bees. Just put on some porno.
1401. �There�s no such thing as a stupid question.�� Hah! I got one for you right here. �How do you spell �CBS�?�
1402. �Only you can prevent forest fires.� Well, who else would Smokey the Bear think can do it capably besides the human race?
1403. Most people call him Santa Claus. �He knows if you�ve been sleeping. He knows if you�re awake.� I call him a world-class voyeur with an elaborate, twisted excuse.
1404. How come nobody ever knocks only once?
1405. When someone tells you that you, say, snore, or talk in your sleep, how do you know that they�re not lying to you?
1406. This is a new motto of mine. �If I don�t have to do it now, I�m not gonna do it now, and you aren�t gonna convince me that I have to do it now.
1407. Let�s be honest. Did Dolly Parton�s career balloon (oops, no pun intended) because of her singing voice?� I mean, come on�
1408. When I�m bored, I like to start a false rumor, and see how exaggerated it gets when it gets back to me. It�s really fun.
1409. Why do they tell you that it�s bad to peel dead skin off the sole of your feet or hands? �It�ll take longer to grow back.� So what?� It grows back eventually.� It�s not like there are adverse health effects�
1410. What, does �won�t� think it�s special, or something, getting its own respelling? Why can�t it be �willn�t� like all the other contractions?
1411. What�s the point of �No Trespassing� signs on fences?� I think the fence itself makes that statement.
1412. Y do some people think it�s cool 4 them 2 replace words with letters N numbers sounding like the words? I think it�s way 2 annoying for me 2 C them N E time.
1413. Why is it that, when people walk up to a crosswalk and see another person waiting there, they press the button again as if the person there were stupid enough not to do it in the first place?� It�s an insult to intelligence.
1414. I hate those doorbells with overly melodic tones.� They are so annoying.� I really can�t imagine how the residents put up with those tones over and over and over�
1415. Why is the n-word, referring to blacks, considered still offensive, yet the h-word, referring to whites, not considered offensive?
1416. I have a probing question for you to think about.� On second thought, since you�re probably not a surgeon, you wouldn�t know it, so I won�t ask it.
1417. It�s �athlete�, not �athalete�. Say it right!
1418. Here�s a Winter Olympic event I�d like to see: downhill skating.
1419. I�ve mentioned some fun words to say, but this one has to take the cake.� It�s �gooey�.� Just say it. Say it different ways. Gooooo-ee!� Gwee!� Geeoo-wee! Go-wee!� Gew-whee!� Isn�t it so fun?
1420. You know you�re really bored in chemistry class when you catch yourself staring off into the periodic table on the wall for fun.
1421. There�s something about the name of the Olympic event �biathlon pursuit� that doesn�t strike me right. It conjures up an image of skiers with guns chasing each other.
1422. You know what we don�t see enough of in curling?� Trash talking and staredowns.
1423. I hate it when people qualify conjectures with �If I�m not mistaken��� Of course you�re right if you�re not mistaken. It�s totally redundant.
1424. Here�s a simple way to cause permanent brain damage in Hugh Hefner.� Mutilate his genitals.
1425. What drastic irony. Many of us know of Shel Silverstein as a guy who famously wrote and illustrated books of poetry for children. But do you know where he had worked as a cartoonist before becoming a children�s author?� Truth be told� it was at Playboy Magazine.� The contrast is appalling.
1426. When I�m in an unsure situation. I automatically asked myself two questions.� One: �Is this really necessary?�� Two: �Is this really necessary, that I�m asking myself if this is really necessary?�� I end up more confused than when I started.
1427. You know your staring match has been unfortunately fixed against you when you�ve been unwittingly pitted against a blind man.
1428. I�m not your average Joe. Then again, my name isn�t Joe, so it�s kinda hard to be one anyhow.
1429. Two roads diverged in a yellow wood. And since I was too lazy to write a poem about which one I should take, blah-blah-blah, and all that stuff, I just turned right around and walked back the way I came.
1430. There should be synchronized curling in the Olympics.� I want to see that.
1431. We should just give Alaska to Canada. It�s not even attached to the United States at all.� It�s attached to Canada. And nobody cares about Alaska anyway; no one cares about Canada either.� So just give Alaska to Canada already!
1432. Why is it that whenever songs from car commercials are played anywhere else, people say excitedly, �Hey! It�s that song from the car commercial!� Yeah.� We know.� Just shut up!
1433. What�s the difference between �all new� and �new�?� If something were �partly new�, it wouldn�t really be new�
1434. What, do hunters get some sort of feeling of dominance by shooting creatures that didn�t intend to do a damned thing to them?� By God, it�s not like the rabbit�s gonna jump up and maul them like the one in Monty Python�s �Holy Grail� movie.� What did the animals ever do to them?
1435. I get bloody noses all the time. As my luck would have it, I would probably get one at the very worst possible time. Right after the priest says, �You may kiss the bride.� Oh!� That would be embarrassing.
1436. You know, those �official products� of various sports events really get to me.� Next thing you know, there�ll be the �official condom of the Little League World Series�.� You�ve got to draw the line somewhere.
1437. I love it how all those famous people are endorsing Viagra now.� I mean, really.� I can�t picture men saying, �Hey� look at that!� My penis isn�t the only one that can�t become engorged with blood; Bob Dole�s can�t either! I�m gettin� myself some o� that stuff! Just like Bob Dole does!�
1438. It was a sickening picture. I looked at Bob Dole. He was endorsing Viagra.� I looked at Elizabeth Dole.� Chances are, she was in the protocol.� Ahh! Yuck!
1439. Someone should make a dishwasher that doesn�t spout hot steam in your face whenever you open it after a wash. That�s so annoying.
1440. I swear, Kenny G�s music shouldn�t be released on CD.� It should be relegated to background music in those cheesy training and instructional videos.
1441. Isn�t anything happening right now �history in the making�?
1442. General MacArthur is quoted as saying, �War is hell.�� People take this as profound.� Profound? Ha!� I could�ve told you that�
1443. If you don�t have anything nice to say, don�t say anything at all.� Unless it�s true.� Then, you can go ahead and say it all you want.
1444. How lucky egotists are. They�re the quickest people to find their true loves for the rest of their lives.
1445. How can something be �up close� and not �personal�?
1446. How else can one vanish but �without a trace�?� If there were a trace, then there�s no vanishing, right?
1447. No wonder those 1-800-CALL-ATT commercials didn�t work.� Who in their sane minds would listen to Carrot Top?
1448. A surefire way to make almost any sentence funny: add to it the phrase �in my pants�.
1449. �There will be a board meeting tonight.� Not funny. �There will be a board meeting tonight in my pants.�� Funny.� See? It works.
1450. I hate it when I�m wearing one of those watches with the flexible, segmented wristbands, and the band gets snagged in the hair on my wrist.� It�s rather painful.
1451. Candidate for Doofus of the Millennium: one of those people who thought of �(I Can�t Get No) Satisfaction� as a Britney Spears song.
1452. Seriously, I can�t understand the mindset of anyone who is attracted to animated characters. Their minds should be checked out.
1453. How do you be forgiven for being too apologetic?� Apologizing is counterproductive.
1454. I am like oil. I�m refined, slick, found in cars, and am sold to corporate magnates for vacillating sums of money per unit. Okay, maybe not that last one.
1455. I run into a few people I know on the way home from the store every time I go, it seems. I�ve got the bruises to prove it, too.
1456. How are you supposed to �kill your television� if it wasn�t ever alive in the first place?
1457. Most of us know that the average American watches an obscene amount of television per day. How do most of us know this? We saw it on the news.� Isn�t this ironic?
1458. I�ve got five words that sum up my views on television these days: death to cat food commercials. Enough of the singing dogs and cats. It�s stupid.
1459. If avid (ultra)feminists are so bent for equal women�s rights, how will they know if they refuse to ask men for their input?
1460. I have a new slogan I�d like to propose. �Lifetime: television for sorrily mistaken women who think that men are good-for-nothing beasts who are only good for being hosts on our own cheesy game shows.�
1461. As far as I see it, every single tobacco company should be charged with assisted suicide for selling people cigarettes.
1462. One book I�m very surprised isn�t in the �For Dummies� series: �Intelligence for Dummies�.
1463. It�s funny how thoughts suddenly slow down, almost stop, when you split with someone. It�s sobering and mind-consuming.
1464. Here�s the best way to lose weight and keep it off.� Die.
1465. I don�t know how my life can be assessed, but I can tell you that if I were to make a �State of My Life� address, it�d last about 90 seconds.
1466. If someone tells you, �I swear on my life�, and he is lying, does that mean you can legally kill him?
1467. I see an eerie resemblance between Eddie Haskell and the annoying �Dude, you�re getting a Dell� kid.
1468. Help control the human population. Have your idiots spayed or neutered.
1469. Has anyone ever said that they are "moving on to smaller, better things"?
1470. We always filter the impurities out of our swimming pool.� How come we can�t do the same for our gene pool?
1471. I have a new proposal for the official nickname of North Dakota: the Nobody Cares State. It's North Dakota.� No one gives a hoot about it.� I mean, come on.
1472. ��Useless, yet interesting fact: you have more of a chance, statistically, of dying eating 40 tablespoons of peanut butter than taking a 2000-mile flight on a commercial jetliner.� This is actually true.
1473. People say that it's not right for kids to look up to athletes and movie stars as role models, that they should look up to the "real heroes�, i.e. lifesavers.� Now... I see something wrong with this.� One, kids can look up to anyone they damned well please, and two, it's admirable that those kinds of people are making much money doing what they love to do. Isn't that what grownups tell kids they should do anyhow?
1474. Yes... sports is a greedy business.� But admit it.� If you had the ability that these professionals have, wouldn't you want to be making those kinds of figures?� So don't be complaining here.
1475. We always complain that humans are a greedy race. But how else would we have made it to the top of the food chain?� Are you complaining about that?
1476. I can shoot to hell Darwin's �natural selection� theory very simply. Look at the human race. Has it been improving? Not by a long shot.� It's devolving as we speak.
1477. School systems pump monies into antidrug education. I had to read Alice in Wonderland for school curricula twice.� This seems to be counterintuitive.
1478. I don't understand why it's so bad to talk to yourself. Sometimes I feel like it's the only time I can hold an intelligent conversation.
1479. What's the only thing more concerning to a shop owner than a bull in a china shop?� Wet dogs in an antique rug store.
1480. There's no "sporting event" (as they call it) more boring to watch than an auto race.� Oh... wait. There is one thing more boring. My mistake.� Auto racing qualifying runs.� Oh, boy!� Fifty of so cars driving once around a track, one at a time!
1481. What do you take if you get addicted to the nicotine "patch�?
1482. I'd like to meet the guy whose gravelly, deep voice I hear all the time in movie promos speaks the words "rated R". It'd be really cool to match the face and the voice.
1483. What "hints" aren't made to be "helpful�?
1484. It's "integral", not "intrical". Say it right!
1485. It's really eerie when you're wearing glasses and, when the light hits the lens at just the angle, you see your own eye in the reflection. It's enough to cause slight paranoia when I'm in a rather vulnerable mood.
1486. What most people think of as profundity basically boils down to nonsense.
1487. Who else can you be but to "be yourself�?
1488. It always fascinates me how many different ways pretzels can become entangled with each other within a bag of them.
1489. I would imagine that Hugh Hefner's blood gets confused as to where to flow when he starts thinking.
1490. One way to keep an idiot occupied: send the idiot to a website with a hyperlink on top that says, "Click somewhere else.�
1491. I'm convinced I know who the Antichrist is: Oprah Winfrey. I don't know why, but I have a strong premonition that she is.
1492. No wonder English is so tough to learn. In what other language does the phrase "get out of here" mean the same thing as "I do not believe you"? I don't get the connection there.
1493. With all the pre-Oscar coverage, you'd figure that the awards to be handed out were for the best-dressed person.� It's awfully stupid, even stupider than the ceremony.
1494. Why can't everyone be a cynic?� There'd be a whole lot less ignorance in this world.
1495. The biggest ignorance of all: denying that you're ignorant. No one on this Earth can possibly deny that he is ignorant.
1496. I don't know why, but I've come to wonder whether Adolf Hitler liked pretzels.� Strange? Yes. Useless? Yes.� But it nevertheless is something to occupy my mind.
1497. In game shows, how is a "brand-new car" different than, simply, a "new car�?
1498. Why does Pat Sajak think he's a stand-up comedian when he's really not at all funny?
1499. I may be missing something here, but how is kissing somebody on the rear end equivalent to showing then flattery?� I know that flattery wouldn't exactly come to mind if someone literally came up to you and kissed you there.� You wouldn't really be flattered, would you? I couldn't imagine that you would.
1500. Why do some people feel the need to repeat the word "well" several times in succession in order to emphasize their surprise?� That's so annoying!� One "well" will do.
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