1501. We men can be such weaklings sometimes. Many men swear and get mad when we cut ourselves shaving. Relax! You'll live! It's not the end of the world, by God�
1502. Monaco has an army.� Why would Monaco need an army? Who'd want to take over that kitty-cornered, puny little country?
1503. I think that Jerry Springer has one legitimate claim to fame. He's had the most number of transsexuals on his talk show compared with any other daytime talk show in history. Something to be proud of? I don't know...
1504. "Talk show" is a misnomer for the Jerry Springer show. They hardly talk. They yell, curse, fight, and throw things.
1505. Something I hope I'll never see: "Girls Gone Wild: The Wedding Reception".
1506. Something else I hope I'll never see: "Girls Gone Wild: The Senior Center".
1507. They say Princeton has one of the highest academic reputations of any American institution.� I say that they can't be too bright.� Really, how can you elevate the status of a university when they're the ones who created the concept of the SATs?
1508. I could sell my soul to the devil. But why?� What would I get in return, like, $2.50 and a couple sticks of chewing gum? It's not worth it, really.
1509. My seventh ring of hell: pick any clothes store. They're evil.
1510. Something I know I'll never see: "Girls Gone Wild: Mennonite Action".
1511. There's something a bit unsettling about trying to fall asleep listening to a Pink Floyd song.� It makes you think you'll have nightmares.
1512. Something else I know I'll never see: �Girls Gone Wild: Hot Chicks From The Titanic in 1912�.
1513. I don't know about those Mennonites. There's something about that repetitive motion of churning the butter that gives me the eerie idea that they are up to some of that hanky-panky, that they're used to that motion from somewhere else.
1514. Health tip: if your pulse doubles while watching a golf tournament on TV, by God, do something better with your life.
1515. I don't mind people who totally dislike sports. What I do mind is when they whine and cry to people they know are sports fans about how terribly useless and pointless sports are.� Honestly... don't spoil it for us.� Keep your whiny opinions to yourself!
1516. Here's what really peeves me.� Those Monday-morning quarterbacks who say after a breakup that �s/he wasn't right for you anyways.�
1517. I am a Red Sox fan.� To all you avid Yankees fans: stop trying to convert us. Just because history happens to be on your side and not ours doesn't mean that everyone should be a Yankees fan. Is it our fault? No!� Are you trying to coerce us into the unimaginable apostasy of becoming a Yankees fan from a Red Sox fan?� It won't happen.
1518. �Law and Order� is to television as God is to Christianity. It's everywhere.
1519. It really annoys me when some computer programs ask me, �Are you sure you want to exit?�� Why in the world would I have second thoughts?� I deliberately picked the �Exit� option for a reason...
1520. Candidate for Moron of the Millennium: someone who thinks that Jack Frost has a long-lost cousin named Robert.
1521. I know funeral homes are necessary, but why do they advertise? It's as if they're saying, �We're sorry for your loss,� with dollar signs in their eyes.
1522. Studies were conducted that determined that men �think about� women every so often, like, around every 5 seconds, I think it was. How, exactly, did they calculate this? How could those researchers possibly truthfully assay these minds?
1523. I don't really have the mental capacity to capture how people of the '80s were enraptured with rock bands whose members had really big and, as far as I'm concerned, really ugly hairdos.
1524. I really don't know how Rush Limbaugh is able to get up out of bed every morning, seeing as how his life-sized ego would be weighing him down.
1525. When you get as bored as I do as often as I do, being bored actually becomes really exciting.� Once you add even a little action, say, staring at blades of grass waving in the wind, the risk of heart attack becomes riskily high.
1526. What is it about those Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies that draws me to eat an entire bag in about half an hour?� They are a personification, an essence of evil.
1527. Regret is a foolish and useless feeling to have. It entails wishing you had or hadn�t done or said anything a time ago.� But you can�t change what�s in the past.
1528. People just don�t get it.� When I get cranky, it�s nothing personal, I just don�t want to deal with anyone then.� What gets me even crankier is when people don�t take the hint and keep bothering me. I really hate that.
1529. I don�t get it why, when people don�t have the trust in someone, they don�t give the person chances to gain trust back. They just keep on not believing the person. Shouldn�t they be aiming to get the person�s trust back?� That irks me.
1530. Sometimes I feel like every person who is in love is emitting a collective, haughty sneer in the general direction of all who are not so lucky, as if it�s they against us and they�re better than we are. This really irritates me.
1531. Many times, I wish that Rome were built in one day, just so those pseudo-quasi-not-really-sages could just shut up and stop preaching the senseless value of patience.� You want cynicism?� There it is.
1532. A way to burn off fat and vent frustration: you burn 150 calories per hour by banging your head against a wall.
1533. When I want to amuse myself, there is one foolproof method that I use. I simply look in a mirror. I get a good chuckle out of looking at myself in the mirror.
1534. I am asked often, �Why all this self-deprecation?� I have the same answer every time: �Because it�s all true.�
1535. Be wary of a doctor who says he�s giving you a �local anesthetic� and then takes out a tourniquet.
1536. Be wary of a doctor who diagnoses you with water on the brain, and prescribes you to stand on your head and swallow a sponge.
1537. Why do people get some sort of feeling of superiority just because they can break an airtight seal by twisting a cap while someone else cannot? It�s no big deal, really.
1538. Come to think of it, are the dots on top of the i and j really necessary?� They�re more annoying than anything.� They�re stupid, really. They�re useless.
1539. �Tomorrow is another day.�� Well, if that isn�t the stupidest, most obvious thing I�ve ever heard�
1540. Be wary of a doctor who refers to �that strange-looking thingy with the two holes at the bottom that�s in the middle of the front part of that roundish, big, sphere-shaped thingumbob on top of the body thing� when he means �your nose�.
1541. You think your headaches are bad?� I�ve got a lifeache.
1542. Have you ever heard of a �soccer dad�? Of course not.� Oh, but we sure do have �soccer moms�, don�t we? Of course!� Oh, yeah� I forgot.� Men can�t take care of their children.� Silly me.� I should�ve remembered that.
1543. I get hangnails all the time.� They bother you, they�re a pain to get rid of, and they�re annoying. I have cousins like that, too.
1544. How could Flipper have been �faster than lightning� if nothing can possibly go faster than light?
1545. How come communications majors in college are often the ones who don�t know how to talk?
1546. Horoscopes are nothing but artificial sources of ersatz optimism for the gullible.
1547. Why is it that when you say you�re in a good mood, no mind is given to you, yet when you say you�re in a bad mood, you�re always asked why you are so?� Can�t you just be in a bad mood without everyone having to know the reason for your ill humor?
1548. Don�t be an optimist.� You�re just cheating yourself.
1549. The United States sees about 2 billion condoms sold annually. This amounts to just over five million condoms per day, or about one condom for every three weeks for every adult male in the country.� Isn�t that sad?
1550. Ron Jeremy: the world�s most prolific and infamous porno actor. Irony of ironies: his very first film appearance was (I�m absolutely serious) an uncredited bit part in �Jesus Christ Superstar�. It doesn�t get much stranger than that.
1551. My all-encompassing dating motto: �I�ll let down my guard, so long as I don�t let down my pants.�
1552. Life is like a treadmill.� You get on, you keep walking and walking, but no matter what happens, you always stay in the same place and end up getting off right where you got on.
1553. Thanks to the wonders of modern medicine, whose field has brought us cures for cancers and diseases considered incurable a decade or two ago, we can now make a man�s penis two to three inches longer. Whoop-de-do.� Hooray for modern medicine.� Hallelujah.
1554. I find this very disturbing.� There is actually a porn star hall of fame. Leave it to America to glorify people who have sex with many people for a rolling camera.
1555. Beware of teens and college students when they ask you if you have change for a five.� If you comply, you might be supporting their caffeine habit by giving them singles which they can feed into machines and obtain caffeine-packed beverages. Just a public service message.
1556. Has it ever happened that there's been a tough job, but nobody�s had to do it?
1557. You know what it's like to be in a group of people, and you're the only one not getting any attention?� I do.� I hate it. It's like being the only male server at Hooters.
1558. Vanilla Ice ushered in a genre of performers which, time after time, keep inspiring me to gapingly remark, �Look � white rapper, point and laugh.�
1559. If you're thinking of doing something really daring to try to get attention, remember this: there's a thin line between �creative� and �stupid�. It's more often crossed than not.
1560. I keep seeing air fresheners, shampoo, dishwashing detergent, laundry detergent, etc. being advertised as having a �lemon-fresh scent�. But what I'd like to see is if one of those products could come up with a re-creation of the scent of stale lemons.
1561. A new addition to that �words that are really fun to say� category: flibbertigibbet.
1562. Risqu� laundromat slogan: �Drop your pants right here, and we'll do all the work.�
1563. More proof that English is really screwed up. We spell it �victuals�, but say it �vittles�. Why??
1564. Risqu� elevator company slogan: �Going up and down is our business.�
1565. Up there with the worst advice I've ever heard: �Think about it.� Half the people in America are not capable of heeding this advice.� Another quarter are capable, but are just too lazy to follow the advice. So don't even bother saying it.
1566. It's said that little girls are made of sugar and spice. But remember, over time, spice most often loses its fragrance and sweet quality.� And what's left? Sugar... and over time, sugar leads to high blood pressure and obesity, along with other deleterious health long-term health effects. I see why they say this about little girls. A telling parallel...
1567. When I listen to Jerry Lee Lewis songs, somehow I cannot get it out of my head that he might have been singing them about his young cousin/wife.
1568. The state of the world is really disturbing me, especially because people, many of them, tell me things on the order of, �You're still a virgin?� Come on! Loosen up! Get with the times!�
1569. www.yahoo.com is registered as a website in Yahoo's search engine. Why??
1570. If you do own or have owned a Milli Vanilli CD... you have my deep condolences.
1571. When you get down to it, "boneless ribs" is quite the oxymoron. Ribs are bones...
1572. Speaking of oxymora... "President Ronald Reagan" works, too.
1573. I warn you... this is an extremely stupid pun. Do they call the seat of a king's pants �his royal heinie�? [quickly fading, dull laughter]
1574. True happiness means not letting anyone define true happiness for you.
1575. If you want to use reverse psychology on someone, would it work if you told them that you're not using reverse psychology on them?
1576. A bad combination: insomnia and a longing in your heart to have somebody to love.� It can be torturous, really.
1577. Has there been an infomercial that requires you to make �two difficult payments of $29.99�?
1578. The wise men say, �Where there's a will, there's a way.� I say, �Where there's a will, there's a won't.�
1579. I offer even deeper condolences to those who have ever owned an LL Cool J CD. (See #1570)
1580. In Instant Messenger, half the people on my Buddy List I don't ever talk to. I keep them on my Buddy List so I can monitor what they're doing on the computer and read their away messages.
1581. I'm surprised that even half the jokes pulled on April Fools' Day actually are.� If people were always skeptical that day, KNOWING THAT IT IS APRIL FOOLS' DAY and KNOWING THAT IT IS CUSTOM FOR PEOPLE TO PULL TRICKS ON YOU, most of the tricks wouldn't happen! Hmm...
1582. Our oldest generation complains all the time about how the youth are nothing but miscreants.� Oh, and I'm sure they were all pure, wholesome saints in their day...
1583. Yankees fans: We know you're spoiled.� But stop acting like it.
1584. Candidate for Inexplicable Person of the Century: avid fan of Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark.
1585. The government says it�s illegal for a runner of a pool to take a cut of the monies.� The government also collects money from people who contribute money to the large pool known as the Lottery. Is this typical of government hypocrisy, or what?
1586. When someone says something to the effect of, �Is this ____, or what?�, someone else very often responds, �What!� I hate that. They think they�re freaking comedians.
1587. North American baseball fans are divided into two categories: the vast minority, Yankees fans, and the vast majority, those who hate the guts of the Yankees.� There is no in-between.
1588. If someone puts up a sign saying, �Be back in 15 minutes�, or something like that, there�s one problem with it� how would we know when the sign was put up?
1589. The phrase �coed fraternity� bothers me. It�s an oxymoron.� Name it something like �fratority�.
1590. Sometimes, when I�m bored walking outside, I look at random people I pass and ask myself, �Hmm, do you think s/he�d make a good porn star?� Try it� it�s fun.
1591. When people say they are walking on a street, how come they always say they�re walking down it?� That�s annoying.� Why can�t people say they�re �walking up the street�?
1592. Life consists of two parts: sleep and those annoying things you have to do when you�re not sleeping.
1593. Considering the size of true Cuban cigars, it�s a good thing Bill Clinton wasn�t the dictator of Cuba.
1594. Never, ever tell a philosophy teacher that it isn�t your fault. There will always be a way that it is.
1595. Never, ever tell a parent that it isn�t your fault. There will always be a way that it is.
1596. Let me straighten this one thing out for those of you who might not get it. I am not a preppy. That is the worst thing anyone can call me. In fact, I am an athlete. I play golf.� (If you disagree, see #130.)� I�m not an elitist, stuck-up, nerdy, bookish, snobby jerk. Just because I get good grades, and just because I may have book smarts, doesn�t mean I�m a snobby academe. I�m not a preppy.
1597. Not having a girlfriend is not so bad, in and of itself. What is bad (for singles, not faulting couples for doing this) is how those who have not are constantly surrounded and reminded how so much better it is to be together. Quite the harrowing situation this is.
1598. We use the term �genius� way too loosely. You know times are bad when you hear people calling Eminem a �genius� for his �lyricism�.
1599. How can people be more than welcome? Don�t you just mean that they�re very welcome?
1600. When there�s this really technical, scholarly interview program, why does there have to be a bookcase in the background? Will it make the viewers think even higher of the speaker, or something? Why?
1601. Why do they call them �breakfast cereals�? It isn�t like they can�t be eaten at any other time�
1602. If you ate everything advertised as �an essential part of a balanced diet� (which you apparently should do, since they�re all �essential�), you�d hardly be on a diet, nor would it be balanced.� You�d be fat, and all you�d eat is breakfast food.
1603. I am absolutely tired of all those cheesy sports movies that follow the plot line of a hopelessly inept sports team who magically makes some sort of winning run because of some divine or professional assistance.
1604. Enough with those stupid pop-up advertisements! They�re really annoying! That�s why you�re given room on the web page to advertise� do it� please�
1605. Just how tired are you of being asked rhetorical questions?
1606. One on defense is called a defender. How come one on offense isn't an �offender�?
1607. A parlor is generally a jovial place. I don't know why there are such things as �funeral parlors.�
1608. Should we worry about necrophiles in trench coats who often lurk in cemeteries?
1609. Why do we ponder the meaning of life when we could be doing something much more productive, like living?
1610. Do we ponder the true, deep meaning of food while we're eating? Of course not. That would detract from the enjoyment of the food. So why do we do this with life?
1611. I'm waiting for the day when Pfizer gets a sense of humor and develops the drug Viagra in time-release capsules.
1612. If someone were to have made, in their insane mind, a movie with a plot line building all the way up to a sex scene with Roseanne and Louie Anderson, it would totally redefine the term �anticlimax�.
1613. I don't really think that people needed to be encouraged where to look, �up in the sky�, when they were told that it might have been a bird or a plane.
1614. �Whatever happened to the old days?� I'll tell you. It's called �time�. You know... it elapses...
1615. Now I'll say a word about MTV. I'm having a hard time, though, deciding if I should pick �unbearable� or �pathetic�. Tough choice here.
1616. I like to watch Hollywood movies as they rewind. The plots make much more sense to me if I watch them that way.
1617. It's a rather eerie feeling, when you're wearing a nametag, and people you've never seen before come up to you and address you by name. You get this momentary, weird sensation before you actually realize that they know your name because you have a nametag.
1618. If you watch it again, is it still a suspense movie?
1619. I'd like to go to a mattress store, indicate that I'm seriously considering buying one, and finally say, �I don't know, I'll sleep on it,� and see how long it takes for the �oh, I've never heard that one before...� face.
1620. I hope that this will never happen due to the potential for an overage of groaning and wincing due to bad punnery: the latest book, in a famous series, entitled �Ventriloquism for Dummies�. Ha HA! Ha... ha... hmm.
1621. Step one of urine analysis: make sure not to place the sample near a similarly-sized cup of apple juice.
1622. Six words that might not have sounded as profound at the height of the Berlin Wall crisis had Ronald Reagan spoken them instead: �Mister Gorbachev... your fly is down.�
1623. I like to be chivalrous and polite when entering a supermarket. I run ahead of them, step on the automatic door pad, and let the people through. Aww... that's so nice, isn't it?
1624. It seems nonsensical why a movie guy would ever pistol-whip when they could use the pistol for its intended purpose, which would serve a much more effective role for their desired intentions, you would think.
1625. Whenever I read that a news story has been done by Knight-Ridder News Services, I do a double take because I keep thinking David Hasselhoff had something to do with it.
1626. If what was done in the Bible was to fulfill the words of the prophets, then they weren't really prophets, were they?
1627. What is it with women who complain how men never read the directions? They always ask what it is about men that we never read directions. They question us. I feel it's only fair that we can question their questioning us. I see absolutely nothing wrong with figuring things out for ourselves.
1628. I really think it's annoying when people pluralize wordz with Z�z in place of S�z as if it were cool to pluralize those kindz of wordz that way. It's stupid, really.
1629. The number one reason babies cry at baptisms, in my opinion: the poor things have to deal with all that static cling in their little robes. You've got to feel for them...
1630. It's interesting how homeless people beg for money and food while they're smoking cigarettes.
1631. I can imagine where the originator of the saying �children should be seen and not heard� was coming from. He probably had to spend lots of time at family parties with little kids, many of them, who run around shrieking and annoying people.
1632. It bugs me how the things you don't want to remember are so much harder to forget than the things you need to remember.
1633. First came X-rated movies. All of a sudden, it jumped to XXX movies. Whatever happened to XX?
1634. Those which are now referred to as �bundles of joy� will, in about three years, be referred to as �bundles of screaming, whining, selfish, pestering terrors.�
1635. If the Jerry Springer show covered a WWF event, would the fighting be real?
1636. It's funny... people talk about �beating the living daylights� out of someone, yet I never remember hearing about people having �living daylights� in them in the first place.
1637. Brave is the soul who sets foot in a college dorm bathroom barefoot.
1638. Why all this fuss about the origin of the universe? All I care is that I�m here now, I don't care how I got here.
1639. I never saw the point of being a lawyer; there�s really no point in defending anything if you don�t believe in it.� It�s not worth the time arguing about something if it is not really what you think.
1640. The human race is proof positive that the more intelligent you�re made out to be, the more dumb you really are.
1641. Perhaps the human race can�t take the pressure of being tagged with this �most intelligent species on this Earth� label. That�s why they�re not living up to it.
1642. You may have noticed that I keep referring to the human race as �they� and not �we.�� I do this on purpose. Why?� Well� you wouldn�t want to be associated with such a backward group of creatures, would you?
1643. One of the biggest lies I�ve ever heard: �Nothing�s wrong here.� That simply isn�t possible. Something is always wrong.
1644. Judge Judy: I don�t know why, but she hares men and she hates youth. She is one of the Devil�s principal henchmen. Anyone biased against youth that much has to be that evil.
1645. Why is it a common trait among game show hosts that they always must try to be funny?� Their jobs are to host their shows; it�s really annoying when they try to be comedians.
1646. A testament to my strict nonalcoholism and my na�vet�: up until I was seventeen years old, I thought that what was actually called a �rum and Coke� was called a �Roman Coke�.
1647. We vote elected leaders into office.� We should also have the power to vote them out of office when we want. It would only be fair.
1648. Some people take to the voyeuristic aspect of watching people as they sleep. As for me, I watch people nod off because I think it�s really funny.� To listen to the strange, heavy breathing and to look at their weird facial expressions makes me laugh.
1649. They should come out with a rapper's rhyming dictionary. It could be useful when you're at a block as to what rhymes with �hizzo� or �g-funk�.
1650. If some drunk guys were singing �99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall�, and they got down to zero, do you think they'd get confused as to what to do after that verse is sung?
1651. It doesn't really make any sense when an athlete is told to �give 110%�. It is not physically possible to put in an effort 1.1 times that which you're capable of doing.
1652. Another phrase that's really fun to say: �lally column�.
1653. A statement you will most likely hear only from a college student: �I had the Lucky Charms at lunch� so I guess I�ll go with Life Cereal for dinner.�
1654. Why should we feel the need to encourage diversity? I don�t care what color they are, as long as I can put up with them.� Look at the entire Earth� there�s diversity for you.
1655. Why can�t we Red Sox fans say we hate the Yankees without some annoying Yankee fan bringing up how seldom the Red Sox have won the World Series? We have as much a right to hate the Yankees as they do to hate the Red Sox.
1656. Billiards would be a lot more interesting if it were played with random live hand grenades.
1657. Thank God for atheists! Wait... can I say that?
1658. People who haven't seen me for a while tell me, �My, you've changed!� Of course I've changed. Five minutes ago I was a different person, and five minutes from now I will be different.
1659. Why watch the WWF when you can watch the Jerry Springer show? You still get to see the swearing, the chanting crowds, the fake fighting, and prop throwing, but you don�t have to shell out ridiculous bucks to see it!
1660. When you see the TA get up and stretch after the professor has finished class, you know it wasn't the most exciting of lectures.
1661. I don't get why there aren�t as many mother jokes as there are mother-in-law jokes; a mother-in-law to one is a mother to another.
1662. You know you're a college student when you get excited if they're serving Jell-O two days in a row.
1663. Be wary of a doctor who tells you to turn and cough, and then prescribes you with cold medicine.
1664. I can never read a doctor�s handwriting when they�re writing a prescription. I find it amazing that pharmacists can. It must be a part of their training, I guess.
1665. It's sad how some people sacrifice their morality just to gain a better social life.
1666. I'm getting more than a little tired of the advertising question, �Aren't all _____ the same, though?� What a cheesy lead-in. Of course all _____ aren't the same. It would be a copyright violation if they were.
1667. �You only live once.� Well, duh... of course...
1668. Little-known and very short-lived Fox television series: �When Fat Guys Wear Spandex.�
1669. If at first you don't succeed, it most likely isn't meant for you to succeed that way, so it really isn't worth it to try it again.
1670. The way I�m understanding it, apparently, I cannot go to a car dealership if it isn�t my nearest car dealership or if it isn�t a car dealership near me. Why do they say that? We can go to any car dealership we want.
1671. One of the most convenient, effective ways to win every argument you have: argue with no one but your dog.
1672. Good way to be a loser: own the complete sets of Star Wars action figures and Star Wars action figures.
1673. It's amazing, the stereotypes people slap on you these days. They see you pacing back and forth constantly, alternately looking at the ground and the sky, shaking your head, and muttering to yourself, and they automatically label you as insane. Imagine that...
1674. Sure, there is no "I" in "team". But there is no "us" or "we", and there is a "me". There goes that theory.
1675. Really, there's no sense in bringing up whether or not we'll ever attain world peace. All we'd do is argue about the issue, which defeats the whole purpose.
1676. I see one thing in common with all cellular phone commercials. They all say that no other plan but theirs is the truth, that all other plans give you hidden charges somewhere along the line. But I don't see how all of them could be right. I don't see how all of them could be honest.
1677. �Today is the first day of the rest of your life.� Whoopee!� What a freaking revelation!
1678. Fashion concepts with potential: tie-dye socks and tie-dye underwear.
1679. The decline of the music industry is not only evidenced by the sharp downturn in pop music quality, but also by the increasing annoyingness of advertising jingles.
1680. Honestly, I don't know why companies would want to advertise in Internet pop-up windows. Who really looks at those annoyments?
1681. People always say to stand up for your beliefs. I�m lazy, though.� I only feel like sitting down and occasionally� getting up to stretch for my beliefs.
1682. If the little things in life are the most important, then why are they called �little�?
1683. Tell me how porn stars can be married. Shouldn�t the spouse be aware of, and frightened of, that occupation being close to them?� What is it, so they can practice for their job and feel like it means something special?
1684. If there were a Totalitarianism Club, would there be only one officer of it?
1685. People have told me to run for public office. I say I can�t; I�m too lazy. I would prefer only to lightly jog or briskly walk for public office instead.
1686. Kids today, they�re so unproductive.� In the eighteenth and nineteenth century, when people smoked opium, they wrote beautiful poetry and published it.� Now, kids smoke opium, and just sit around and stare blankly at walls, giggling for hours on end.� What happened?
1687. Overanalysis is bad.� If you look before you leap, you�ll talk yourself out of leaping when you really should have leapt.
1688. If there�s one thing people should realize about life, it�s that it doesn�t compartmentalize itself into neat little 30-minute segments. That�s why day planners make no sense.
1689. When I�m bored, I often turn to the unusual pastime of looking down drainage grates and wondering how the unusually large bits of garbage down there fit through the grating.
1690. It doesn�t make sense how any American can be antiwar. How did America gain its independence? We fought a war.� They can�t be against that.
1691. It�s rly. annoying when ppl. use abbrs. when wrtg. ev. other wd. It isn�t lk. it�s much more wk. to write the wh. wds. out as opsd. to abbrs.� There�s no pt. to it.
1692. Sure, it�s nice if you have �double-jointed� knuckles. But I won�t be impressed until I see some �double-jointed� kneecaps.
1693. Who�s the dummy who designed those Jeeps without doors? How easy could you possibly make it for thieves to steal it and/or things inside of it?
1694. Actually, there is one easier way to make a car susceptible to theft. Put a button on the dash that starts the car.� That�s Doofus of the Aeon material right there.
1695. I can�t believe how people think of the Volkswagen Beetle as �cute.� I do not see one bit of �charmingly attractive� in that car.� It�s ugly.
1696. Ahh� spring.� What a lovely time. The grass is green, the flowers bloom, the buds are bursting, and charming college kids are getting drunk and promiscuous in lovely, sunny vacation spots on spring break. A lovely time of year indeed.
1697. I like to play with people�s minds.� But I don�t like to do it to gullible people. Oh, I wouldn�t feel bad if I did. I don�t do it because it�s way too easy. I only get true satisfaction from messing with people who have the strongest of minds.
1698. Why do people say, �You could say that�� after they�ve heard an unexpected response?� Of course they could say that.� They just said it.
1699. Dumb guy�s way to �leave his mark on the world�: skydiving without a parachute.
1700. For the money it takes to buy one Rolls-Royce, you could buy about 24 Daewoos.� And judging by the looks of the Rolls-Royce, I'd rather opt for the 24 Daewoos.
1701. I wonder if some drunk guy has ever felt sympathy for his pet rabbit and tried to feed him Trix.
1702. I once saw a sign for a company that said, �Specializing in general carpentry.�� How can this be? It�s not very specialized if it�s �general�, is it?
1703. Why does there always seem to be a protest movement around April 15 by antitax people?� Do they really think the IRS will listen to them if they don�t even listen to the legitimate taxpayers?
1704. I don�t care how elaborate, popular, or well-planned a protest is. It�s not a good enough protest unless there is some nudity involved.� Naked people provide the best way to get a point across because they get attention.
1705. There may be a technical explanation of this, but, intuitively, it seems impossible how, when the defrag program is running on your hard drive, the program itself wouldn�t get in the way of its own defragmentation.
1706. Helpful hint for sunbathers: Don�t sit so your legs are under a patio table.� Otherwise, you will get a diamond-shaped pattern tanned onto your legs.
1707. Helpful hint: don�t sunbathe next to an apiary. Ouch.
1708. Rejected calendar idea: �Hot Beekeeper Chicks In Uniform.�
1709. I don�t know why people complain so much about Americans� being �uncultured�.� Let us be that way. I do not see how it�s wrong for people to have a sense of comfort in their own country and not travel abroad. Besides, I have no idea how in the world people can say that about us when we have the most diverse group of people of any in the world.
1710. I say we employ some of those people with �figures who can stop traffic� to save money.� Instead of using stoplights, we can have those people run out into the middle of the street, and run back when it�s time for cars to go.
1711. I am one of the few people who honestly can say that I have proven that I can maintain my composure while people have dropped frozen sausages and parts of donuts on my head from four-story heights.
1712. It�s �percolate�, not �perculate�.� Say it correctly!
1713. One way to freak people out: on your answering machine, leave the recording, �Goodbye.� I�m available right now.� Please don�t leave your name, number, or message, and I�ll never get back to you.
1714. Another good way to freak a lot of people out and have some fun, too: change your name to Jesus Christ or Santa Claus, don�t tell anyone but the phone company, and have your name listed in the phone book, in bold, with an address and phone number.� See how many daily calls you get.
1715. Still another way to freak people out: answer the telephone with, �Christ household, Jesus speaking, how may I help you?�
1716. Another fun word to say: �impinge�.
1717. This world has sunken to a new low.� There are condoms which are flavored.
1718. Something really creepy that could freak out a lot of people: human taxidermy.
1719. When a news program�s �investigation team� is promoted, how come they always show the newspeople with folded arms?
1720. The phrase �ice cream sundae� is redundant.
1721. Have some fun in a mall.� Start jogging up the down escalator and hum the �Chariots of Fire� theme.
1722. One way to really annoy a carpenter: when they ask you to �give me a hand for a second�, briefly applaud.
1723. Wanna see construction workers dance?� �Forget� the portable toilets.
1724. Helpful hint: never sneak up behind a nuclear power plant coworker and scream, �Look out!�
1725. Here�s something I don�t get.� Sunbathers are concerned with tan lines, but they wear sunglasses and cover their skin around their eyes.
1726. I hear all the time that I�m �entitled to my own opinion.� Duh.� Of course.� Is this as opposed to my being entitled to someone else�s opinion?
1727. �It�s music to my ears�.� Of course� what other body part could it be music to?
1728. They see me talking to myself, and they think I�m insane. They�re totally wrong. They think I�m talking to myself, but I�m talking actually to the invisible three-eyed alien from the planet Goober. See?� I�m not insane.
1729. Not exactly collectors� items: the complete set of �60 Minutes� action figures.
1730. Something to do if you�re bored on a Saturday night: pit the �60 Minutes� action figures against the �20/20� action figures and see who would win in a brawl.
1731. Singing telegrams have got to be the stupidest way possible of sending a message.
1732. The French love Jerry Lewis.� Is this some cheap attempt by the French to try and show people that they have some sort of sense of humor?� If it is, it isn�t working.
1733. When a cowboy enters a saloon in an old western, how come the hinges on the doors are never oiled?
1734. Ironic: the worst entertainment in the Jerry Lewis Labor Day Telethon is Jerry Lewis.
1735. When people ask me what my handicap is, I say, �My golf game.�
1736. Ping-pong would be a lot more interesting if it were played in a wind tunnel.
1737. If it ain�t broke, you can still always fix it. It�s never perfect.
1738. Practical joke to play on a sunbather: wait till they�re sleeping, then put a lollipop on their stomach.� It will create a gooey, sticky, melted mess when they wake up.
1739. I�m getting tired of the �lemon-fresh scent�. Floor cleaners� dishwashing detergent� laundry detergent� bleach� car wax.� Next thing you know, they�ll come out with lemon-fresh ear wax remover. �Leaves ears fresh as a spring morning!�
1740. Deodorant alternative: strap two car air fresheners on your underarms.
1741. It really annoys me when people tell me to concentrate. I can�t concentrate if people keep doing that.
1742. The average supermodel makes more money annually than the President is salaried.� That tells you something about our country.� Too bad we�ve never had a good-looking president; imagine what we could do with that.
1743. I�m waiting for the year when the college football Bowl Championship Series grows (yes, pun intended) by adding the Viagra Bowl.
1744. In a nudist family, can you really say that anyone �wears the pants in the family�?
1745. Someone with a sense of humor should call up a request line at an oldies radio station and dedicate to someone the song �I�m a Loser� from the Beatles.
1746. Ronald Reagan was not a dumb president. He just played one on television.
1747. Dumb guy�s bragging rights: being able to sing along completely with the lyrics of the song �Tequila�.
1748. I�m surprised they didn�t count Nancy Reagan as the first-ever female United States president.
1749. What I�m writing here is the only possible thought that I can possibly have inspired by computer solitaire.� There�s nothing inspiring at all about it. It�s pointless.� The sole purpose of it is to occupy an extremely bored office worker who has truly run out of things to do after getting bored with twiddling thumbs and tapping pencils.
1750. �Whys and wherefores� is redundant.� Whys are wherefores.
1751. Months and months of careful research and testing have led to a result that now debunks a once popular belief: a watched pot will, indeed, eventually boil sometime.
1752. Confuse the heck out of music shoppers. Release a CD under the band name �Various Artists�.
1753. Stop illegal gambling rings.� Legalize them.
1754. Anybody can say �you should have�.� Those who say �you should� instead are truly wise.
1755. A recently taken survey has shown that only 5% of dumb guys knew that Plato was a philosopher.� The other 95% thought he was that toy modeling clay that kids play with.
1756. It has been observed many times that, when dumb guys watch baseball games and hear the broadcaster say, �The count is full,� the dumb guys often make comments about how Dracula�s eating habits have nothing to do with baseball.
1757. Here�s something that bugs me.� When people roll down the window of a car I�m in to, say, ask directions, they turn down the radio.� But when they�re done, and they roll up the window, they don�t turn the radio back up again. �I hate that.
1758. How can anyone �grab a Snickers� if they can�t be �going anywhere for a while�?� Where could they possibly get one if they�re stuck in one place?
1759. It�s funny how you first think you�re a big fish in a small pond, and then you get out into the competitive world, and you realize that the pond is much bigger than you realized, and you find that you�re actually a much, much smaller fish.
1760. Why is it that some people are shut out of social groups solely on the basis that they don�t have a social life?� It�s not fair.
1761. I hate it when you�re in a bad mood, and people expect you automatically to cheer up on command.� It doesn�t work that way.� Bad moods are erased by time, not by commands.
1762. I�m really good at ticking people off. When they feel the need to tease me, mock me, bother me, or annoy me, I do the one thing they hate the most. I ignore it completely.� The reason they do it is solely to draw a reaction from me, because I look �vulnerable�.� Because I ignore them, they really seethe, and I love it.
1763. How come people always use absolutes when qualifying things?
1764. Is it possible for something to be �pure and complicated�?
1765. You know that �sit �n� pee technology� that they�re marketing at football games so fans don�t have to go anywhere? That would be more marketable to parents who go on long car trips with children who are excessively whiny.
1766. Since when does �staying inside much of the time� automatically mean �occupying oneself by often masturbating�?� I don�t get it.� Why do people too often make this assumption?� Trust me, there are many, many more things to do indoors that are more productive than �flying solo�.
1767. That was the first time in all of the random thoughts that I�ve mentioned the word �masturbating�.� So I might as well do it twice in a row.
1768. I really hate the �high-and-mighty� approach of being a computer dork. It�s a real pet peeve of mine that some who call themselves �computer experts� condescend to people who �aren�t doing it right� or say that they �can�t believe they don�t know how to do it.�
1769. I don�t see how people can equate �putting a lot of effort into it� and �not spending much time doing anything else but working on it, thereby having no life�.� These people obviously have never exerted more effort than to press a thumb on a remote control and to reach a snooze button, and thus incorrectly think that actually working at something takes up the space of one�s entire existence. God forbid they sweat a bit�
1770. For those of you who talk about self-sex all the time: let it go! In more ways than one!
1771. I swear, those boy bands, whenever I hear them, they almost drive me to drink.� Drink sulfuric acid, that is.
1772. People are said to have feelings of �self-dignity�. But isn�t this redundant? In whom else would you feel dignity? You can�t feel someone else�s dignity�
1773. I have a headache.� It�s called the human race.
1774. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. But try telling that to a victim of plagiarism.
1775. If marijuana were legalized, all society would go to pot. In more ways than one.
1776. Soap operas are supposed to be dramatic. But I find them to be really comedic. All of that melodrama and fake acting really makes me crack up.
1777. Important rule in the Guy Code: never watch a drama on the WB.
1778. I hate it when you get a little piece of tape on your finger, and you can�t get it off; you keep trying to flick it off, but it keeps sticking to the finger you use, and it just gets annoying to get rid of. I have cousins like that too.
1779. When I�m bored on Instant Messenger, I like to read everyone�s away messages.� I gather that this is a common habit.� I like doing it because I feel like a voyeur.� I like to keep track of where everyone is or what they�re thinking. I love that power.
1780. Moneymaking strategy: ask random people you know if they have a nickel/dime/quarter (one of those three).� Do this over a period of a few years.� It�ll add up significantly.
1781. Some people have this really annoying habit I�d like to get rid of. It�s called speaking.
1782. You know you�re a college student when you are very nearly driven to kiss the side of the building and thank it tearfully whenever you go to McDonald�s.
1783. I am convinced that there is a very minuscule wormhole that resides in close proximity to FOX television headquarters. That would explain the strange and mysterious occurrences on that station.
1784. Rush Limbaugh says that he has �talent on loan from God�. But what on Earth would make him think that he�s the �chosen one� to be �loaned� divine �talent�?� What guarantee is there that he�s even going to Heaven anyway? The pompous idiot�
1785. Nursery song turned porn flick title: �Pop Goes the Weasel�.
1786. Being an idiot is one thing.� Having the self-satisfaction of idiocy and not caring to do anything about it is a whole other problem.
1787. Cosmopolitan is a women�s magazine� so how come they have a scantily clad female model on the cover to get their eye instead of a male one?
1788. A sad commentary on society, and a modern update on a classic game: Spin the Condom.
1789. Is some sort of CPR performed on a Buddhist who has lost inner consciousness?
1790. I find that when scoreboard messages encourage fans to �make some noise�, it�s a pointless and stupid exercise.� If you�re attending a sports game, I�m sorry, you shouldn�t have to be told when to cheer; you should know.
1791. I�ve observed a curiously strange habit among humans. When they come up to a door and see that it is locked, they stare at it while waiting for it to be unlocked, and, every so often, turn the doorknob again as if it could have been magically unlocked somehow.
1792. Another strange phenomenon around locked doors. Someone sees a group gathered around a locked door, yet still walks up to the door and tests the doorknob as if the group were staring at the door for fun.
1793. Why are men�s wallets made so much simpler as compared with women�s wallets? They don�t have compartments for change, or those fancy-schmancy button snaps to close them, things like that. Oh, I know why. We men don�t need anything more complicated than they need to be.� What�s the use of change purses when you have pockets?� And what is it with buttons, they feel they need security, or something?
1794. El Ni�o: it means �the boy� in Spanish. It is a complex system of oceanic currents which causes very complicated weather patterns and stormy conditions.� It deserves a more intimidating name than �the boy�.
1795. When someone trips and falls, I�m extremely tired of hearing someone say, �Have a nice trip?� and giggling dumbly. It wasn�t funny the first time I heard it, and it still isn�t funny the fifty-eight thousandth time either.
1796. It�s no coincidence that they�re both called �campaigns� in both the political and the advertising spectrum.� They both involve profuse lying to get you to choose them, and then never satisfy their claims.
1797. �Open-toed sandal� is redundant.� Sandals have open toes by definition.
1798. On some CD player remotes is a button which opens the CD tray. What�s the point of this? You have to get up to change the CDs anyway�
1799. Is it that much snappier or cooler to substitute the letters �EZ� for the word �easy�?� Really, stop it. It�s annoying and really boring by now.
1800. If I were David Bowie, I�d be unimaginably fumed at Vanilla Ice. Bowie wrote that great opening melody for the song �Under Pressure�, and that white boy ripped it straight off that song for his hit �song�, �Ice Ice Baby�.� I�m PO�d as it is�
1801. Interesting� they call it a T-square, but it�s shaped like an L. I don�t get it.
1802. Hollywood and Washington, DC: two places where many people have become famous by pretending to be what they aren�t.
1803. I chuckle a bit when companies advertise work as in a �fun environment�. Of course they�ll say that. Would they say it was a �hostile environment�?
1804. Undoubtedly the best useful word in the English language: �perspicacity�.
1805. Here�s the most effective way to scare a New Englander you don�t know: say hello to them.� They will panic; they won�t have a clue what to do or say.
1806. What can possibly be the point of putting more than one question mark at the end of a question??� Isn�t this annoying???� Don�t you think that only one question mark can do the trick??? Why do people do this????
1807. Enough with smiley faces on Instant Messenger! Are you so lazy that you have to type �L� instead of something like �I�m in a bad mood�, or �J� instead of �I like that�? Is it that much more work? Those faces are really annoying.
1808. One of the most distasteful catch questions in advertising: �Do you have diarrhea?�
1809. I don�t understand how some musical acts have released �best of� compilations, and then release completely new material afterwards. It doesn�t make sense.
1810. I have a conspiracy theory.� I think that all the conspiracy theorists are colluding to make everyone in the world to be paranoid.
1811. People say how they always turn first to the front section, sports, business, or something of the sort.� But the section of the paper I turn to first is the police blotter. That�s, without a doubt, the most interesting section of the entire newspaper.
1812. I want my funeral to be memorable for something special. Thus my funeral song: �Theme from Sesame Street�.
1813. What a dumb guy does when you tell him to �eat his words�: he goes out and gets a can of alphabet soup and starts arranging the letters into what he said before he eats them.
1814. It would be interesting to see the day if Slipknot ever would come out with a Monkees tribute album.
1815. You know, those people who hand out fliers on the street can be a godsend. I never know when I might need a tissue.
1816. Isn�t anywhere on the mainland of North or South America technically �within driving distance�?
1817. Tootsie Rolls are evil.� You keep on taking �just one more� and, before you know it, half the bag�s gone.
1818. TV hosts say before a break, �We�ll be back after these messages.� Why do they need to affirm this? Are people concerned that they won�t be back?
1819. Some people say that there�s a reason for everything. But what, would they say, is the reason for there being a reason for everything?
1820. Satanists� to hell with them.� Wait� that�s a compliment.� Never mind.
1821. No one should ever ask, �Does this shirt make me look fat?� The question should be, �Does this adipose tissue make me look fat?�
1822. Ever notice how clerks say, �Have a nice day,� only to people who bought something?
1823. Sure, I abhor modern music.� But I respect the right of the kids to listen to it. That�s why I hate it when an older generation criticizes the music the younger generation listens to. What did they listen to when they were kids? Loud, often controversial music�
1824. Nature abhors a vacuum.� But I take it a step further.� I abhor vacuum cleaners.
1825. If I listen to a rap album, I always leave myself with two questions. One, why didn�t the album end an hour ago? Two, why did I listen to a rap album?
1826. Why do dart throwers go for fifty points with the bull�s-eye when the triple regions under the 17, 18, 19, and 20-point sections are worth more?
1827. When you really think about it, in the long run, it�s worthless to do preanalysis of a �professional wrestling� match, seeing as the WWF has already preordained the �champion� anyway.
1828. One thing never to do in an insane asylum: play Barry Manilow music. It�ll start a riot.
1829. One show I�d be interested to see: �Satanist Sesame Street�.
1830. One show I�d not be interested to see: �Sesame Street: The XXX Outtakes�.
1831. Ever notice how kids look brainwashed when they mumble the Pledge to the Flag in unison?
1832. Depraved are the souls of the Head family name who name their child Richard.
1833. He who laughs last didn�t get it.
1834. The biggest if that I�ve ever heard in my life: �If all goes according to plan��.� Since when does anything in life go according to plan?
1835. Tattoos are worn to be visually enhancing, correct? So what�s the point of getting one where no one can see it or is allowed to see it?
1836. I don�t know why, but I�ve been wondering whether you could train a Dachshund to bark in German.
1837. We�ve got to revise our view of �truth, justice, and the American way�. Nobody tells the truth anymore, �justice� is motivated by politics, and the �American Way� is to be lazy, get drunk, and look at porno (but not necessarily in that order).
1838. Tired of mildew?� Looking for a solution to get rid of it?� I know an easy way.� Send them off to college.� After eighteen years of growth, it�s time to take action.
1839. Don�t let a dumb guy go into self-employment. After a short while, he�ll fire himself due to incompetence, then storm out of his own office after a heated argument. After a few minutes, he�ll clear his mind, and he will go back into his office and convince himself that he can have the job back.
1840. Don�t you still recognize people you know even when they�re wearing sunglasses?� Then why do celebrities think they can wear sunglasses and go incognito?
1841. How do you make a dumb guy look straight up? Talk about the Mile High City, Denver.
1842. Plans to start a dumb guy colony on a faraway planet have been scratched due to that most of them couldn�t figure out how to put the seat belts on, and the ones who did kept whining, �Are we there yet?�
1843. There should be a button on televisions for paging a lost remote control. It would make things a whole lot easier.
1844. Imagine how horrible the designers and builders of the Challenger rocket must have felt as the rocket boosters, designed by a separate company, contained such a seemingly insignificant fault as an O-ring that wouldn�t seal, and as NASA was given the OK to launch on an unusually cold day, and as the rocket, which they spent an incredible amount of time on, consequently went up in a fireball and was gone, like that.
1845. A dumb guy sees a �don�t drink and drive� commercial while drinking a Pepsi, and he panics, all of a sudden.� Why?� He had to use the car that night, and had no one to drive him.
1846. Little-known, short-lived FOX television series: �When Animals Don't Attack And Just Sit There And Stare At People�.
1847. How do you trick a nerd into exercising? Hang a math book in front of a moving treadmill.
1848. �You can't handle the truth!� It's one of the most overworked yet least profound lines in all of filmdom. It's stupid, really.
1849. Typical father-to-be dumb guy: when the mother's water breaks, he runs home to get his toolbox.
1850. I'm tired of those ultrapacifist whiners who keep saying, �Violence doesn't solve anything.� They seem to forget a little thing called the Revolutionary War.
1851. What is it with these wrestlers who change their names to entirely stupid phrases? Musicians and actors do it, too, yes, but at least they actually sound like legitimate names.
1852. Why do they print calendars encouraging people to save the environment? Isn�t that hypocritical?
1853. Hmm. There are light bulbs which last notably longer than average, so you don't have to change them as often. But they cost that much more. So does it really make a difference?
1854. College basketball teams have pep bands. College football teams have marching bands. But what would be interesting is if college tennis or golf teams would do the same.
1855. Karaoke contests more often than not make music comparatively unbearable to listen to. But, in the case of Britney Spears, the quality invariably goes up when the karaoke singer sings.
1856. It's amazing how some females wear these skimpy, revealing outfits, yet complain about how the males are such pigs that do nothing but stare inappropriately at their private areas.
1857. Dumb guy's way to pick up a woman: he takes a broom to a singles bar and trips her with it. When she gets angry and storms off, he wonders what he did wrong; after all, he did sweep her off her feet.
1858. It's funny how people call me a geek with the intention of insulting me, and how they're so surprised when I take it as a compliment.
1859. It's amazing... they do all these commercials about condoms and about Viagra, but not once have they mentioned the word �penis� in any one of them.� It's as if it's this horrible swear word that they can't say on a TV ad.
1860. You'd think that ad agencies would advertise more often and more effectively to the public.
1861. Porn stars redefine the economic term �source of income�, if you know what I mean.
1862. �Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back.� Imagine how this could be used in the prostitution or porn video business.
1863. Flopped game show idea: �Who Wants To Be A Female�.
1864. When promoting the movie �Deep Throat�, I hope they didn't apply the drastically distasteful catchphrase, �Coming soon to a theater near you.�
1865. Three out of the last four thought about porno. No, you puritans, I'm not a pervert. You know, people do talk about sex, and think about it, too.� No big deal, really.
1866. For all intents and purposes, the phrase �for all intents and purposes� should be eliminated. Really, it's just annoying.
1867. This and the past seventeen thoughts were conceived in the span of two hours and twenty minutes. This proves just how much of a life I lack. I'm serious here.
1868. Helpful hygienic hint: if you've got an itch on an unreachable part of your back, don't scratch it using your toothbrush.
1869. It's a good thing the writers of the song �Happy Birthday� didn't demand royalties.
1870. Okay, so Britney Spears is probably living her dream. The problem is that everyone else is living the nightmare of her �music� as a result.
1871. If someone were to tell me that they want to go to an asylum, I'd tell them that they'd have to be out of their mind to want to do that.
1872. Sensitivity tip: if you see a friend who's going in for surgery in a few hours, whatever you do, when you leave, don't say, �I'll see you later, hopefully.�
1873. In Japan, watermelons have been engineered to grow with flat sides, to make them easily stackable. This further proves that Japan has almost as much time on its hands as America does.
1874. They should make a talking soldier doll that spews out caustic insults. They can call it �G.I. Jo� Mama�.
1875. Nobody ever says that they �never thought it would happen in my tamest dreams�.
1876. I look very skeptically upon testaments by �actual owners� in car commercials. Anyone can say good things about cars if they're paid enough.
1877. People are always given the disclaimer, �Don't try this at home.� But that doesn't mean they can't try it at someone else's house.
1878. People often exclaim, �Holy moly!� But what is a moly, and why is it worshipped?
1879. Here's a big pet peeve of mine. I don't at all like it when I'm having a conversation on Instant Messenger, and someone's watching the screen and reading it while I'm typing with someone. It's the same thing as listening in on a phone conversation. It's rude.
1880. You know what really bugs me? Well, I'm not going to tell you, 'cause you'll do it just to get me angry, and I won't like that very much.
1881. People often refer to the �exact same thing�. Is this as opposed to the �imprecise same thing�? I don't get this.
1882. I detest Muzak. Ten minutes in a supermarket, and I've fulfilled my Yanni and Kenny G quota for five months.
1883. I suppose it is a good thing that they do play Muzak in dentist's offices. I do concede that it is not good that my face be vibrating to some heavy metal music while the dental hygienist tries to clean my teeth with that sharp scraper thing.
1884. Behind the unfortunate consequences of drunken driving, studies have shown that the number two leading cause of car crashes between 1 and 4 am is drivers' being lulled to sleep by soft rock radio stations.
1885. Recent studies have shown that the public generally doesn't care about what recent studies have shown.
1886. When it comes to stubbornness, mules are not the standard by which it is compared. Mules don't even have as much stubbornness as there is in my pinkie fingernail. I mean, they don't even come close.
1887. Peter Pan... a symbol to people everywhere. He brainwashed many into thinking that they were literally never going to grow up, then had a �feast� consisting of people �eating� from empty bowls with imaginary contents. Basically, he's your prototypical utopian, insane cult leader. Did I mention he thinks he can fly? Hmm...
1888. A recent survey has revealed that 65% of the people polled disagreed with what the other 35% thought.
1889. No wonder men can't figure out women. Every time men ask women to explain their feelings, they act like we should have figured them out already. Why would we be asking them all the time, though, if we had indeed figured them out? Hmm... I guess I'll never get it.
1890. Old people gripe about the weather all the time. Funny, you'd think that they'd be the ones who'd have figured out by now that you can't really do anything about the weather.
1891. They should add a little Broadway flair to �Cops�. Instead of flashlights and spotlights following criminals, they should use strobe lights. Perhaps they could convince the criminals to dance, too. I don't know. Maybe a nice cancan?
1892. This thought is being recorded at five minutes to three in the morning. If there wasn't enough evidence before, perhaps this will convince you that I'm borderline insane.
1893. People have been described as �mentally insane� as if there were some other way that one could be described as insane.
1894. Good way for a TV station to make money: get sponsors for hockey brawls. �And off come the gloves... here comes your Powerade Punch of the Game!�
1895. We spend so much money on insignificant things, but we can earn that money back and, hopefully, decide to spend it more wisely the next go-around. If only this were possible with time as well as money.
1896. I don�t care how many insect legs, or bee wings, or whatever, are in McDonald�s hamburger patties.� They taste good to me.� Have they poisoned me in any way?� No.� So I�m not complaining.
1897. I hear all the time about all these studies revealing how the �average American� does.� I don�t care about average people!� I only want to hear what the eccentric Americans do!� That�s the excitement of America.
1898. Have some fun with local traffic.� Climb up a tree with a water gun where no one can see you. When a car drives by, squirt its windshield. Watch as the drivers get really confused.
1899. Certain comic relief: watching me dance. I�m the nonfunkiest white boy out there.
1900. Nonfunky: I know it isn�t a word.� But it really should be.� It�s really cool.
1901. When people hear a siren from a police car, ambulance, or fire truck, why do they look in the direction of the siren even if they know that they won�t see the vehicle?
1902. If you dream that you�re lying awake in bed, how do you know you�re dreaming?
1903. If you hear someone say something like, �Laplace transforms are fun,� be careful. You have a math major on your hands. They are people you don�t want to mess with.
1904. Geek test: if you hold in front of someone Stephen Hawking�s �A Brief History of Time�, and they suddenly inhale and cannot breathe for several seconds, you know you�ve encountered a geek.
1905. Here�s how to spot a dumb guy.� When you start to tell a joke by saying, �Two guys walk into a bar�, and pause for a breath, he starts laughing hysterically.
1906. Here�s how to tell a dumb guy at a clothes store. He keeps going in and out of the fitting room, trying on pair after pair of pants, repeatedly complaining that they don�t fit, until he walks out of the fitting room with a pair on and you point out to him that he�s putting them on upside down.
1907. Here�s how to tell a dumb guy�s at your door. You suddenly notice him outside your door, and when you open it, he complains that he�s been ringing the doorbell all this time. He shows you what he�s been doing, and you point out to him that he�s been pressing the peephole.
1908. Healthy hint: if you�re an athletic coach, never schedule a team whose mascot is an actual coroner.
1909. Be wary of a doctor who brags that he is able to get rid of �foreign objects� by insulting them in sixteen different languages.
1910. One way to insult a dumb guy: call him a nepotist. He�ll have no clue what it means, so he�ll think it sounds like a horrible insult.
1911. I don�t understand it when people preface a potentially damaging comment with, �Don�t take this personally��.� How else are you supposed to take it?
1912. I hate it when people preface an opinion with �To be honest��. Of course they�d say that. Would they say, �To be insincere��, or something like that? Of course they wouldn�t.
1913. Here�s how to frighten a dumb guy.� Tell him his nose is running.� He�ll start frantically searching the area to try to catch his nose from getting anywhere.
1914. Someone should get a sense of humor and attach tubular wind chimes to each of their dreadlocks.
1915. The point between two extremes is described as the �happy medium�. But average is boring! Normalcy isn�t �happy�. I�m only happy on the extreme. I�m not happy with boring.
1916. I think mullet hairstyles are ugly.� It looks like the wearer has a permanent, bad case of hat head.
1917. I am like Formica.� I am smooth, I am durable, I am often found in kitchens, and I add a nice touch to your d�cor in many different colors. Well� maybe not the last one.
1918. It�s so sad that some people carry razors with them �just in case�. In case what? In case some growth of hair suddenly sprouts out without notice?
1919. Those people who call us weirdoes �strange� aren�t thinking very much; they do not consider that we weirdoes think that they, too, are strange.
1920. Dumb guy�s invention idea: outdoor solar-powered clock.
1921. Boxing would be a lot more interesting if the gloves were electrically charged.
1922. Boxing would be a lot more interesting if there were hidden landmines under the mat.
1923. Boxing would be a lot more interesting if it weren�t what it is now.
1924. When you think about it, it�s rather ironic that they call subjects to a dentist or a general practitioner �patients�.� After they�ve been in the waiting room for what seems like hours, they�re hardly patient.
1925. If some third-string professional sports team members were held up to the same rigors as are in the office or industry workplace, they�d be fired for being incompetent.
1926. People classify some money as �spending money� as if there were some other kind of money that wasn�t meant for spending.
1927. If Rush Limbaugh were ever to enter a construction site, I don�t think he�d really need a hardhat.� His thick skull would provide the same effect.
1928. My sense of fashion really turns heads. Turns heads away, that is.
1929. Be wary of a clown that says he makes balloon animals, then just blows one up, gives it to you, and says it�s a snake.
1930. When masochists are busy, do you think they�d say, �I�m tied up at the moment�, or would that be too horridly inappropriate?
1931. Court-ordered anger management classes would be a lot more productive and effective if they don�t bill the customer directly afterwards.
1932. I hate it so much when whiners complain about when people on the radio or TV, in the newspaper, or through other media, say things that are �highly offensive� to them.� Just shut up. You know what? Deal with it.� If it offends you, don�t listen to it or read it anymore. Simple as that.� Don�t pule about it!
1933. I know a really effective way to eat at someone. I do it all the time.� When someone tells me that my shoe is untied, I shrug my shoulders and say nonchalantly, �I know�, and not do anything about it. They get really concerned and bothered by this. I love to simply observe their reactions.
1934. When people count things, why do they have to point to each item as they count?� Can�t they just look?
1935. Wouldn�t it be self-contradictory for someone to say that they sing along to rap?
1936. Turn �A Chorus Line� into a comedy.� Cast all 80-year-old guys as the dancers.
1937. If you learn one lesson from life, let it be this: never put more than one pen in your pocket and forget about them for a few hours. When you take a shower, you�ll discover a rather unsightly ink spot on your upper leg from it.� It�s not fun at all.
1938. People have suggested that I be a stockbroker or stock market runner for a living.� Sure� fine, if I want to have six heart attacks and live to be 48, fine with me.
1939. Notice how every toothpaste commercial tells you to make sure to brush at least twice a day, or to brush after every meal? Are they doing this because they�re concerned of your oral health? Of course not. They want you to buy toothpaste more often.
1940. I never thought I�d see the day when I�d come up with a cynical conspiracy theory regarding toothpaste.� But here it is.
1941. They say that time flies when you�re having fun. But I don�t know.� Some time, when I�m having fun, I�ll throw a clock out the window and see what happens.
1942. It is said� that all good things must come to an end.� How come the same thing isn�t said about all bad things? It�s just as true.
1943. People say to �put a smile on your face.� Where else are you going to put the smile?
1944. How confusing would it be if a patient with double vision were prescribed bifocals?
1945. People brag about how many sexual partners they�ve had. But what they forget is that quantity is nothing to brag about.� The quality of experience is so much more important.
1946. On long car trips, I have the perfect solution to shut the kids up. Make them wear a wristband with voice recognition, and, whenever a kid says, �Are we there yet?�, the wristband gives them a little electric jolt.
1947. It�s amazing when people yell at you to get out of the shower, and then they get in there, and you don�t see them for another half-hour, at least.
1948. It�s a curious habit among human beings that they absolutely hate being confined in a 4x4 space for a half-hour, and yet when there�s water pouring all over their body, they�d gladly spend at least that amount of time in that space.
1949. Ah, the hostility of Yankees fans. Geez, you make one little, innocent Red Sox comment, and they get all testy at you, whining and crying about how everyone on the face of the Earth isn�t a Yankees fan, that Red Sox fans should go and meet Satan. Tsk, tsk. Such a babyish little subspecies they are. I don�t see Red Sox fans doing things like that...
1950. There are people classified as �true believers�. As opposed to what?
1951. If Miss Cleo were a true psychic, when she was being sued, why did she even bother to hire a lawyer to defend her if she should have known she would lose anyway?
1952. Kim Dae Jung: he�s a Seoul man.� [Groan�]
1953. I don�t get it why people get mad when you put your bare feet or socks up on a couch.� It�s not like they�re dirty. And considering what people usually put on couches when they sit down, I�d say feet are a pretty good alternative.
1954. Often have I heard one called an �old fogey�. But I�ve never heard of anyone who�s been labeled a �young fogey�.
1955. I�m against watching porno, believe me. But let them have their freedom of expression. All these ultrafeminists whine that porno is all about �objectification of women as purely sex objects�. But what about men?!� They�re in it, too, you know!� They�re not sexually objectified? If you don�t have a large penis in that biz, they don�t care about you!� Consider another view besides your own, honestly!
1956. Why is it that, when a male at least, say, sixteen years old says he�s never watched a porn flick in his life, an air of skepticism immediately befalls anyone within earshot?� You know, there are some guys out there who don�t think about sex all the time, 24/7/365, believe it or not.
1957. That fraud lawsuit against Miss Cleo� even I saw that coming. Do you think she did?
1958. I have an actual psychological fear of dreaming. It�s called oneirophobia. It�s perfectly okay with me, though. I�d rather not live my dreams while I�m sleeping. I�d prefer to live them while I�m wide awake.
1959. We all feel bad when the chances we take turn out to be failures. But, believe me, that is still a much better feeling than not taking the chance at all.
1960. We always complain about stupidity in society. But intelligence is nothing without the stupid people to back it up.
1961. Why is it that not only do we make provisions to prevent things from happening only after they�ve happened, but also that, after we�ve made the provisions, it seems like the situations never present themselves again?
1962. Yeah� so I eschew sex, alcohol, drugs, and nicotine. Get over it.� So my morality is stricter than most.� Let me be who I am.� Believe me, there do exist fun things in this world besides those.
1963. It seems to be a symbolic ritual that the type of tooth most commonly taken out of a human�s mouth is called a �wisdom� tooth.
1964. What�s most annoying about the majority of computer geeks is that they like to talk rapidly using as many technical terms as they can in order to assert their dominance over the computerly na�ve.
1965. Let�s get this one thing straight.� Men are not babies.� The reason that we sound like them is because we (rightfully) keep complaining that women call us babies all the time!
1966. I honestly cannot understand why many females can be so superficial. Have you ever heard a man ask if an article of clothing makes him look fat, makes his butt look big, or anything like that?� I rest my case.
1967. Forgive me for sounding �insensitive�, but if any one of my thoughts has offended anyone in any way, I don�t really care. Honestly� I can�t make everyone happy all the time, nor would I certainly try to do so.� If you�re offended, ignore it, get over it, and move on.
1968. Here�s how to get people to stare at you. Wear a hat with something sticking straight out of it.
1969. Here�s what bugs me.� My nose starts bleeding, and I�m holding tissues to my nose and pinching my nose to stem the blood flow, and someone looks at me, and asks, �Oh, you got a bloody nose?�� No, I�m just holding these tissues on my nose and pinching it for fun. Of course, I�ve got a bloody nose!
1970. The old kids� song goes, �If you�re happy and you know it, clap your hands.� Is it possible to be happy and not know it?
1971. Too often I hear the advertising exclamation, �It works!� It�s stupid, and it�s not exactly a ringing endorsement either.� If it didn�t work, you wouldn�t be selling it.
1972. Isn�t the phrase �expecting mother� unnecessarily redundant?
1973. I don�t care what you think about �Tron� or �The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes�. I don�t really associate Disney with high-quality science fiction.
1974. At 12:16 AM on May 8, 2002, Croce�s Random Thoughts Book II was realized missing.� Eighteen hours and 21 minutes of agony followed.� As preparations for funeral rites were set to be finalized, I was reunited on May 8 at 6:37 PM with the long-lost notebook to a sigh of relief and nearly broke down in tears.
1975. Why is it that, when two people walk past each other, they have to make brief eye contact with each other at least once? Is it that hard to ignore a stranger?
1976. Newscasters report often that one is �found missing�. Isn�t this contradictory?
1977. To express reluctance, people say, �Never in a million years��. But if it�s for a million years, it isn�t �never�, is it?
1978. Why does it make commonly-named people so excited or incredulous when they meet someone who has the same first name as they have? Really, it�s no big deal. It�s not really a coincidence.
1979. I want to name my kid uniquely.� I want no one else to have the name.� My kid�s name is gonna be �Vxqjzwag�.� It�s gonna be pronounced �Tony�.
1980. You know those �one size fits all� caps? They never fit Rush Limbaugh. His head is way too swollen.
1981. Almost every time, when a human sees a squirrel, they stop and stare at it for a while and marvel at it.� How do you think the squirrel feels, all these people gawking at it while it�s minding its own business?
1982. People refer to �living, breathing� people. As opposed to a dead, breathing one?
1983. The girl of my dreams is just that: imaginary.� It would be foolish to expect to find such a person in reality, only in nonexistent Utopia.� I don�t try to find her.
1984. Another thing that annoys me is when people on Instant Messenger don�t turn off those sound effects that play every time they send or receive a message.� Geez, I don�t need to know it every time you get or type a message!� Turn it off!
1985. Do you want to have hallucinations and see funny things? No drugs are needed.� Simply stay up all night.� Things will be rotating and oscillating around you, and fanciful mirages of faraway oases will appear before you.� It�s really fun.
1986. When Bill Gates goes to bed, do you think he tries to hog the blankets from his wife?
1987. It�s senseless to try to be profound.� The deepest profundities almost always come from spontaneity.
1988. Here�s my tidbit of advice.� Never take your own advice; it�s colored by your own perspective. Listen to anyone else before you listen to yourself.
1989. Watch someone squirm.� Get a laryngitic Eminem and tie him up in a chair in a room with a black guy, a gay guy, and his mother.� He can�t move, and he can�t talk.� He�s basically helpless, fuming, and desperate at that point.
1990. Forget condoms.� Use shrink wrap. It�s more economical, and not an embarrassment to buy.
1991. 3:00 in the morning, and you can�t sleep. That�s hard enough as it is. But then you have a sudden epiphany about how lonely you are. That�s magnitudes worse.
1992. Helpful hint for standard transmission drivers: if you�re going 40 in first gear, and you start smelling something strange, then would be a good time to shift again.
1993. It boggles me how health classes go all out with promoting abstinence, yet go into so much detail about birth control methods. It�s counterproductive.
1994. Here�s how to really tick someone off. When you borrow their PC or laptop, before you get it back, change the color scheme to nothing but bright yellows, greens, and pinks. Watch them turn it on for the first time, and try not to laugh.
1995. It�s funny, the looks you get, walking in a sweatshirt and shorts when it�s 50 degrees and raining out, and you aren�t shivering at all. They think you�re an alien, or something.
1996. Honestly� the �Star Wars� series is way overrated. It�s just a sea of special effects and a soundtrack with a plot thrown in somewhere in the background.� It�s sad that there are people who have memorized the entire script and plot.� For God�s sake, people, get a life.� The movies really aren�t that good, anyway.� They�re a snooze.
1997. I know that this last thought will create an uproar with some people. �[Gasp!]� How COULD he SAY something like that?� He has insulted the almighty �Star Wars�!� Really.� It�s no biggie.� Good Lord, you�d think the movies were their own children, or something. Get over it.
1998. It�s a wonder that Noah�s Ark survived, considering that there had to be also two termites aboard the ship, and considering how quickly they reproduce.
1999. Dumb guy�s thought about Hungary: if it took over Turkey, would it be called Hungary anymore, since it ate up Turkey?
2000. Hmm.� I really had hoped that I would have this monumental, important thought for number 2000. Oh, well.� I guess not.� Maybe for 3000.
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