2001. I�ve heard conversations among high school faculty. By God, they would make construction workers blush with their language!� So why is it that, when a teacher or faculty member catches a menial� uh, student with the slightest whisper of a curse word, they squawk and whine to the student? Talk about double standards here!
2002. Why is it that, every time it rains, some schmuck DJ has to play the song �Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head� by BJ Thomas? That�s so annoying!
2003. What I�ve noticed among radio music voice-over guys: when they say the phrase �the biggest hits�, they really blend the �t� in �biggest� and the �h� in �hits�.� Sound it out for yourself�
2004. Get a little more for your Broadway ticket money. Slop a diuretic in the actors� preshow food. Watch them dance a bit more.
2005. MTV2 exists solely for the purpose of its music and videos� being laughed at and made fun of repeatedly.
2006. People complain about how �kids these days� are so uneducated. They ask what�s so wrong about American kids.� But they�re asking the wrong question.� They should be asking what�s so wrong with the educational system, instead.
2007. History is debilitating minds.� What does it do?� It confirms and creates stereotypes about ethnic and minority groups. It makes implied generalizations about groups in totality.� It forces its idea of automatic, unqualified glorification of people without letting anyone think for themselves about those people.� It has relatively little modern impact as compared to math, science, and liberal arts.
2008. History debates focus on what might have been, what could have been, and what should have been.� What good does that do?� What�s done is done!� Argue about useful things, like math, science, and politics, where it�s concerned with what might be, what could be, what should be, and what will be.
2009. Proposed movie plot:� woman stalks man everywhere man goes, man gets frustrated and concerned, man learns self-defense, man drives woman away for good. This�d never make it past the screaming ultrafeminist whiners onto the big screen.� Exchange the words �woman� and �man�, it becomes the �feel-good heroic female empowerment movie of the year.�� I don�t know, maybe I�m missing something here.
2010. Apparently, the one requirement that one needs to be boorish, insensitive, unemotional, and selfish is to have a penis.
2011. It is sad how much this society is obsessed with hair restoration, wrinkle cream, metabolism and energy supplements, and memory herb stuff. Why are we so hooked on trying to fool other people into thinking that we�re not getting older as if we think they�d think we actually aren�t aging?
2012. What�s the point of asking someone, �Are you deaf?� It�s like asking someone in sign language if they�re blind.
2013. What other kinds of steps are there besides �footsteps�?
2014. A question to ponder.� Which has more silicon: the San Francisco Bay Area or Hollywood?
2015. Is it inappropriate to call a promising rookie porno actor �up and coming�?
2016. People are depicted as doing extraordinary things in commercials just to get a Klondike bar.� Apparently, they don�t realize that they could just as well lay down 75 cents to a buck and buy one just the same.
2017. Watch a large nerd riot.� Blindfold a group of Trekkies, lead them to a full Star Wars costume shop, remove their blindfolds with their eyes closed, and tell them to open their eyes. Run off quickly, and watch, laugh, and point from the storefront.
2018. One of my biggest pet peeves is when people repeatedly do or say things to me for the sole purpose of bothering me because they know that it annoys me.� It�s not funny, really. It�s being a jerk.
2019. It always �could be worse�.� Stop pointing that out!
2020. Well� I was waiting to get my Barbara Walters thought out of the way. This seems like the best number on which to do it.� So there it is.
2021. Silicon Valley:� perhaps the semiconductor-rich area near San Francisco isn�t the most apt place to be entitled that sobriquet.� Any cleavage on the set of �Baywatch� is a much more appropriate location for that nickname to be applied.
2022. A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, a bunch of people in silly costumes and funny accents pranced around with light stick thingies, had trysts with their sisters, breathed really funny, and thus transported themselves into brainwashed nerds� minds forever.
2023. For those of you who shouted at my last thought, �They�re �light sabers�, you idiot, not �light stick thingies�!�, number one, I�m not dumb. I know they�re called �light sabers�. And number two, this is exactly my point.� Why are you so insulted when, God forbid, someone gets a detail wrong? Normal people don�t memorize all of the minutiae of those stupid flicks anyway.� Sorry, nerds.
2024. �I saw it with my own eyes.�� As opposed to whose?
2025. Easy way to track my caffeine addiction: follow the soft drink industry revenues.� They depend on me.
2026. �Now playing in theaters.�� Where else would new movies be playing?
2027. Okay, Disney had its place in the sun. But let�s face it.� Disney is so overrated.� Warner Brothers is so much better.� They had so much better animation, concepts, and artistic sense of perspective than Disney, and they�re still making so much better live-action flicks than Disney could think of pursuing.
2028. Why is the need felt to make a deodorant designed only for women to use? What could possibly be amiss by its use by a male?� What, will his penis fall off, or something?
2029. Poor Michael Jackson.� Whenever Mike attends a ceremony, the poor person must feel left out whenever the emcees say, �Ladies and gentlemen!�
2030. Why do I never hear of �bridled passion�? Surely there must be such a thing�
2031. All those unwed mothers who go on daytime talk shows to get paternity tests for five or ten men to see who the father is, I can�t believe them. They keep screaming (along with the hosts, mind you) that the real father should stand up and take responsibility for his actions.� Hmm.� Maybe you, the mother, should have had the responsibility not to sleep around with so many men!
2032. Society supports promiscuity, yet they call people who are notably thus �whores� or �sluts�.� We can be so morally hypocritical sometimes.
2033. How dumb does corporate America think we are? On some cans of shaving cream, one of the steps in its directions is to �remove cap�.� Duh! Of course�
2034. Would it be an unfair advantage if Siamese twins competed in synchronized swimming?
2035. Whenever someone picks up a piece of food with their fork, why do they pause for a moment to stare at the piece before they put it in their mouth?� What, are they admiring their utensil handiwork, or something?
2036. How else can something be �engineered� but �scientifically engineered�?
2037. Ah, Memorial Day.� What better way to celebrate remembrance by grilling up and eating dead cows?
2038. Sleep is torture.� I hate it.� I notice a pattern every time. I fall asleep every night a lonely guy, and wake up each morning still a lonely, despondent dreamer. Sleep thus has no beneficial purpose for me.
2039. At the end of yesterday, since the start of the Thoughts, I have averaged 4.6 Thoughts per day.� Why did I calculate this?� Same reason I write down my thoughts.� Lack of a life.
2040. Good revenge idea: get on their computer and set their screen saver time for one minute.� Then password-protect it with a random sequence of characters.
2041. What else can we do but to �go back in history�?
2042. Few things make me sicker than when advertisers play to our patriotic pride in a commercial and then drop their own name to bring in a few bucks at the expense of our patriotism.
2043. Why is it said that one �comes up lame�? Shouldn�t it be said that they �go down lame�?
2044. Something�s telling me that it won�t be worth the effort to try to write a Broadway musical about the love story between two urologists. Somehow, I don�t think the title will fly either: �The Pee That Brings Us Together�.� Nor would the hit song, �You Are the Urine of My Heart�.
2045. We wonder why Americans are so freaking insouciant. I�ll tell you.� It�s because everyone�s watching those sappy �feel-good� movies. We don�t need any more of those. What we need are more �feel-really-horrible� movies. It�ll give them a much-needed wake-up call.
2046. Some cellular phone calling plans are nationwide plans. What they don�t say is that the nation is Luxembourg.
2047. It seems to be a conspiracy among television stations to go to a commercial break all at the same time every time. It�s annoying, really.
2048. Interesting double entendre in tire company commercials: �free mounting and rotation�.
2049. A dumb guy gets invited to a BYOB party, and what did he show up with?� Bratwurst.
2050. If you had the flu, would you make the national news? Obviously not, unless you were Chelsea Clinton, in whose case this actually happened.� Isn�t that ridiculous?
2051. Why do we need to hear the results of the President�s physical? I mean, do you really want the picture of the presidential cough test?� I think not.
2052. Something tells me that it wouldn�t be proper or decorous to address a letter to the President of the United States with �Yo Prez-dog, whazzup?�
2053. What�s OJ up to these days?� Last I heard, he was in talks with �To Tell the Truth� to run a special �real killer� episode.� I don�t know if they�re biting.
2054. Do people have a fear of flying?� Or is it really a fear of crashing in a plane?
2055. I tell people I�ve ever cursed in my life, and they don�t f***ing believe me.� Well, too f***ing bad, I�m f***ing telling the f***ing truth here.� If you don�t f***ing believe that s**t, too f***ing bad for you, tough s**t.� Believe me, it�s the f***ing truth, g**d**n it.
2056. People in porno movies are called �actors� and �actresses�. That seems like a misnomer. They�re not really acting, are they? Unless they�re faking it�
2057. There are a lot of myths about impotence. They should be straightened out. No, not the myths, of course.
2058. Can we trust a barbecue if it�s but on by Lorena and John Bobbitt?
2059. Someone should tell the Cocoa Puffs cuckoo not to take so much caffeine before the commercials.� It�s really affecting the quality of the commercial.
2060. Apparently, I�m one of only seven people in America who doesn�t give a flying banana about the release or re-release of a �Star Wars� movie. It�s ridiculous, really.
2061. It was really a sad statement of American society that, following the infamous John Bobbitt incident, there existed a definite curiosity toward what his �new and improved penis� looked like. That he appeared in porn to sate their curiosity is sadder still.
2062. It�s ironic: we all crave sleep, more and more of it, and yet when we�re actually experiencing it, we don�t even know it. We aren�t even conscious to experience it.
2063. Including this one, the word �penis� has appeared in the Thoughts sixteen times.� Why did I count this? I don�t know. Thought you�d like to know.� Or not.
2064. Think about bird callers.� Any person who would devote enough time to perfecting the art of making bird noises for dozens of different species should really think about getting a life.
2065. I�d like to interview a sampling of proctologists, because I�m really curious as to at what moment in their life were they inspired to their career choice.
2066. When I do it, it�s not called dancing. It�s called random flailing.
2067. When I do it, it�s not called singing. It�s called laryngitic cow imitation.
2068. Why can�t bad things happen isolably? They only happen in bunches.
2069. I do like one thing about �Star Wars�. The name �Lando Calrissian� is fun to say.
2070. So many caution and warning messages on various appliances and machinery could be eliminated by including the message: �avoid serious injury by exercising common sense.�
2071. Whenever a child is killed, not only is murder or manslaughter a charge, but also the killer is tagged with risk of injury to a minor. Risk of injury? It was a bit more than a risk of injury, don�t you think?
2072. I have an hourglass figure.� Unfortunately, it�s only the bottom half of the hourglass.
2073. Dumb guy�s invention idea: nuclear-powered barbecue grill.
2074. �It hit like a ton of bricks.�� Isn�t that the same effect as a ton of anything?
2075. The only good thing about Kenny G�s music is that you�re never in the elevator for long.
2076. Is there a controversy in Amish Country every time someone rolls up their sleeves?
2077. How would �Gone With the Wind� look if remade into a gangsta rap edition?
2078. When a pyromaniac turns 100, would he just sit there the whole party and stare at all the candles?
2079. The word for the fear of words is verbiphobia. It seems like this was made a word just to torture its sufferers.
2080. Why can�t parents leave well enough alone and stop complaining about all the slight shortcomings of other parents?
2081. Why do mothers feel that they have to be mothers to everyone else�s kids, too?
2082. Why do drivers use horns when they have fingers that can send the same message?
2083. Believe me� not all pictures are perfect. I don�t understand that expression.
2084. If you need proof that what the majority says isn�t always right, look at the American elections.� We seldom get all the right guys in there.
2085. Do rappers call a �love song� when they actually do it consensually?
2086. �Breakthrough treatment in erectile dysfunction�. Wrong choice of words there.
2087. A definite fissure is developing in American society: those who sing �Happy Birthday� before the candles are blown out versus those who believe the opposite order.� We must reach an agreement before a civil war breaks out.
2088. How else can something be �in the air� than �up in the air�?
2089. In commercials for, say, diarrhea medicine, the announcers always do their pitching in a peppy, upbeat voice.� I really don�t view diarrhea as a peppy, upbeat topic, though.
2090. Have some fun in zero gravity.� Install a putting green on the space station. Try to get it in the hole.
2091. The show was called �Mission: Impossible�. If it was impossible, then how could it have been accomplished every time?
2092. School uniforms are stupid.� Boards of Education justify uniforms by saying that they eliminate peer pressure with regards to clothing.� Sure there�s no peer pressure.� But now, that same pressure is coming from the Board of Education. And God know that the BOEs love to flaunt their control and pressure.
2093. Dumb guy�s habit: trying to make concrete angels.
2094. Have some mail fun.� Send someone a big box containing only Styrofoam �peanuts�. They�ll be digging through the whole box looking for something that should be there, but they�ll find nothing but pieces of Styrofoam.
2095. Have some more fun.� Before a wheelchair basketball game, line the court with bubble wrap.
2096. If these boy bands feel that their �music� is best, why did they feel the need to have dance moves choreographed with them to distract attention from the �music�?� At least the good music, the classic rock and roll didn�t need any prissy dance moves to support it.� The music spoke for itself then.
2097. One thing you don�t want to hear at the annual nuclear power plant employee picnic: �Hey, this hot dog tastes funny.�
2098. Why do people feel the need to say hello when leaving a message? What are they greeting, the answering machine?
2099. September 11, 2001, did not change my opinion of New York City. Absolutely, I sympathize with Big Applers. But I still think that the atmosphere, the people, the crime rate (*coughthebaseballteams), they�re all the same. Attacks made NYC the cynosure. They did not magically make NYC more pleasurable or appealing.
2100. Hermaphroditic Siamese twins: now how confusing would that be?
2101. It wouldn�t have been too hard for me to imagine Osama bin Laden in some cave with his confidants, with violins in the background singing the �Godfather� theme, with old Sammy B. talking in a raspy, soft, Italian-canted voice.
2102. �Homicidal maniac�.� What killer isn�t maniacal?
2103. Here�s how to spot the dumb guy working in the auto factory. He�s the one consoling the crash-test dummies before they are to be used.
2104. Here�s how to drive your pet absolutely nuts. When it�s laying down, wind an egg timer and put it in front of the animal.� It�ll really make the pets do weird things.
2105. What�s with these serial dramas like �Rex Stout� and �Apartment 3-B� being put in the comics?� They don�t belong in the comics!� They�re not funny! They�re stupid and pointless. Honestly, if it�s not funny, it shouldn�t be in the comics!
2106. Many shampoos advertise themselves as �natural� strengtheners and conditioners.� Well, of course they�re �natural�.� How else would it strengthen and condition but �naturally�?� What, do you have to tell some other shampoos to do so?
2107. When people encounter someone they haven�t seen in a while, and the person�s looks have not changed, they say, �You haven�t changed a bit!� Can they really say that, just because of little superficial change?
2108. Why do guests ask to use the bathroom? What, do you think the hosts would refuse them if they just say they�re going?
2109. If someone flew into a violent rage at an anger management class, will they be thrown out?
2110. �Suspense thriller�.� Aren�t all thrillers suspense movies?
2111. �Blockbuster hit�.� What, as opposed to a �blockbuster flop�?
2112. Leave it to boxing to make such an ado over two doofuses with muscles stepping on scales to see how much they weigh. Ooh, how exciting!
2113. Has anyone ever vanished into thick air?
2114. Those kids who sing, �I wish I were an Oscar Mayer wiener�� do they know what they�re saying?� They want to be a � wiener?� How would Mr. Mayer like that?
2115. I have a message for Americans.� Lighten up!� Stop being so profound. Stop being so paranoid. Stop being so litigious. Stop being so uptight.� Stop being so unoriginal.� Stop being so politically correct.� Loosen up and laugh once in a while, will you? Life is funny.� Don�t be such prigs; recognize the funny points of life! Honestly!
2116. All the world�s a stage.� Unfortunately, most are content with cameo roles. Yet those are the people who clamor the most for the spotlight.� Either take on a larger part, where you deserve the spotlight, or shut up and stop complaining about the anonymity.
2117. Here�s how to spot the dumb guy in a mall. He�s the one standing on the bottom step of a staircase for twenty minutes before you have to tell him it isn�t an escalator.
2118. Convalescent homes: greenrooms for the auditions with Saint Peter.
2119. Why are we asked to say �cheese� for a photo? Why can�t we just be told to smile? It�s stupid, really.
2120. There are no ifs, only whens.� If you start worrying about the conditional, it�s foolish. There is no sense in fretting over hypotheticals; the only time to concern yourself in any matter is if you are certain that it will happen or has happened.
2121. I really feel cheated having to vote by absentee ballot. I don�t get that neato �I �oted!� sticker like the live voters do.� Hey, I wait a whole year for that!
2122. Here�s what peeves me.� I turn on the shower and step in it, then I reach for the soap dish, only to find that there�s no soap.� So then I have to get out of the shower, dripping wet already, and track water over my path just to find a bar of soap. I really hate when that happens.
2123. I may just start an Eczema Sufferers� Club. I bet many people out there are just itching to join. [Feel free to groan.]
2124. Why is it that when people say something containing the word �penis� when in a non-medical context, everyone around them laughs?
2125. �You�re only as young as you feel,� yet you must �act your age�? I�m confused here.
2126. Who was the genius who found it necessary to put a Nutrition Facts label on a bottle of pure water?� Of all the dumb, obvious things�
2127. I wonder what the music department of a college would say if a student proposed to major in the triangle.
2128. �A mind is a terrible thing to waste.� What isn�t a terrible thing to waste?
2129. It is said that falling in love is easy. But how can anything that took me 18 1/3 years to accomplish be easy?� I don�t understand.
2130. When Miss Piggy was coming on to Kermit the Frog, did she overlook that Kermit was of another species?
2131. Sure, parents have authority over children. But why do parents override the decision-making skills of their children, sometimes, in order to impose their own will upon them? Isn�t that going too far?
2132. A nudist colony is a place where poison ivy is found on parts of skin that calamine lotion rarely touches.� Now, isn�t that a pleasant thought?
2133. You know you have a bad lawyer when he giggles whenever he hears the phrase �penal code�.
2134. It�s not �nuptual�;� it�s �nuptial�.� Say it right!
2135. You know� the protesters are getting really annoying. Honestly, you�d think they�d come up with chants more original than, �What do we want?� ____!� When do we want it? Now!�
2136. So I don�t have the looks or the charm to make young ladies swoon or sweep them off their feet.� Is that the reason my dating life is, for all intents and purposes, practically nonexistent?� It�s ridiculous!� Love is so much more deep-seated that that.� The connection is emotional and mental, not superficial.�� It takes time.� Looks and charm are a veneer.� Real affection is inner.
2137. I have one, and only one, superstition. It�s that superstitions are bad luck; I don�t have any.
2138. �Good luck charm.�� As opposed to what, a bad luck charm?
2139. A healthy hint: a family reunion is not the place to play a round of Spin the Bottle.
2140. Here�s how to freak people out.� Walk around with your fly down, and whenever someone says to you, �Your fly is down�, say, �I know,� and walk by without doing anything about it.
2141. I am thinking simultaneously about microwaveable popcorn and pants for the first time in my life.� I don�t know why.� Thought you might like to know that.
2142. Just wondering� what would happen if you give Ritalin to a monkey?
2143. �I feel a hunger inside me.�� As opposed to� outside of you?
2144. In ads for sales, they warn the customers of �limited quantities�.� Well� of course. Aren�t quantities always limited? They can�t be infinite, can�t they?
2145. If there�s one place to rob, it�s a doughnut store. The cops would be way too distracted at the scene to be efficient.
2146. For the love of God, piano teachers, stop teaching the students �Heart and Soul� and �Chopsticks�.� You have managed to find the two singly most annoying piano songs ever composed.� Congratulations.
2147. For a CD, sit two toddlers in front of a piano and record their random banging.� It�d be quite a seller.
2148. At families� get-togethers, I constantly hear people tell children and babies, �My, how you�ve grown!�� Well, what do you think they�ve been doing, shrinking?
2149. I have rock-hard abs.� Unfortunately, the rock is mica.
2150. They call themselves MTV, or Music Television, yet they play a lot of rap videos.� This seems to be a contradiction.
2151. What�s with this nine tenths-cent gimmick with gas stations? They do it so gas will seem cheaper than it is, but why bother when every station does it? What�s the point?
2152. Mattel has made, what, 3467 different kinds of Barbies in different outfits?� Does this make any sense to have, I don�t know, lawyer Barbie, beach bimbo Barbie, fast food intercom Barbie?� Hey, let�s pretend that Barbie�s got multiple personality disorder!� Wouldn�t it make sense just to make the one Barbie doll, and just sell the outfits separately?
2153. Good things don�t come to those who wait. Good things come to those who seize opportunities when they present themselves.
2154. If you believe in such things, isn�t any weather, not just bad weather, an act of God?
2155. What�s with these moves taken by school systems to try and produce a �sense of community� and dampen cliquing?� How, and why, do they plan to do this?� It�s human nature to form social groups. It�s ridiculous to try and stop a natural scenario.
2156. I have a real problem with the view that right and wrong equal lawful and illicit.� If it�s lawful, it must be right; if it�s against the law, it must be wrong.� This is ridiculous.� This is saying that legislators are the end-all judges of right and wrong. Do you really trust those people enough to let them judge like that?
2157. Those thought-adulterated quasi-sages say that �money can�t buy happiness.�� Who are they to say that people can�t be materialistically happy?� Don�t they also say, �To each his own�?
2158. What�s with this ongoing movement to try to define an all-encompassing happiness?� Why am I supposed to believe any one of those theories?� No one can possibly take it that they know what makes everyone happy. No one thing can make everybody happy.
2159. We often talk of the �good old days�. Really, how can we say that the old days were good? How can we possibly generalize like that? Believe me, the old days had quite a few of their bad moments.
2160. When we stare, when do we do it not into space?
2161. With the exception of the 47 people who live there, who really cares about Wyoming anyway?
2162. I�m waiting for the moment when, immediately after an announcer says, �We apologize for technical difficulties,� some crew member in the background shouts, �In my pants!�
2163. Line not likely to be heard in a suspense movie: �You just got hit with a banana.� A banana!� You�re not gonna take that from a monkey, are you?�
2164. Seeing isn�t believing.� Experiencing is believing.
2165. When it�s said that one �sleeps with someone�, it�s quite the miswording.� Doing the action suggested by the phrase hardly suggests that the person is sleeping, right?
2166. Secrets are rude.� In my opinion, they should only be kept for one of two reasons: maintaining emotional stability or maintaining national security.
2167. It�s quite an uncomfortable feeling when you�re dressed for summer, in T-shirt and shorts, and then you walk into a supermarket and to the frozen foods aisle.� It�s freaking cold in there!
2168. What other kind of seeing is possible besides sightseeing?
2169. �Stoned out of your mind�.� As opposed to what, �stoned sane�?
2170. A solution to all your tan line problems: be a nudist.
2171. How real could Shakespearean plays really have seemed? Somehow, I don�t think that everyone spoke mechanical iambic pentameter in normal banter.
2172. It�s called �eyesight� as if it were being distinguished from sight in another body part.
2173. An executioner is the one professional from whom you would not (hopefully) hear the expression, �The more, the merrier!�
2174. Why is it human nature that when there is at least one motorcycle on a road, everybody has to stare at every bike until they�re out of sight?
2175. By definition, to conspire involves always two or more people at an agreement.� That said, I don�t know why people say �co-conspirator� instead of just saying �conspirator�. There�s never only one conspirator.
2176. I�m waiting for when Pfizer will get a sense of humor and put out a promotional mechanical pen demonstrating the effects of Viagra.
2177. Columbus came to what he thought was India, but actually encountered the Caribbean and North America.� We know this mistake, yet we call the ancestors of those encountered by Columbus �Indians�.� Leave it to Americans to perpetuate such a mistake for over half a millennium.
2178. Here�s how to spot the dumb guy in a music store. He gets a CD from the famed cellist Yo-Yo Ma and is disappointed when there are no �yo� mama� insults on it.
2179. �Ultimate demise.�� How else can you have a demise but at the end?
2180. Have some fun at the DMV.� Say that you would like a vanity plate, and then give them a random string of 3 numbers and 3 letters.� After their strange looks at you, reassure them that it really does mean something to you.
2181. As far as I�m concerned, nothing on TV or the silver screen has ever made or will ever make me laugh harder than late-night cable access wrestling shows.� They�re the cheesiest things ever to be videotaped and publicly displayed.
2182. A big pet peeve of mine is redundancy.� Not only do I hate redundancy, but also what really ticks me off is when people say the same thing twice.� I also really don�t like when they repeat themselves or, even worse, when people reiterate what they just said in a repetitive fashion over again redundantly.
2183. Here�s what I don�t get.� People start arguing over a subject, and they eventually find that they agree on it.� But they keep arguing. Why?
2184. Ever notice how, when kids say the Pledge of Allegiance in class, they have this uniform, brainwashed look on all their faces? That�s not a coincidence.
2185. A direction on deodorant sticks reads, �Apply to underarms only.� Why?� What could possibly be the harm of applying deodorant on other parts of the body?
2186. Unquestionably a part of Guy Code: never use the word �chamomile� in any sentence, ever.� Unless, of course, you�re reading this thought aloud.
2187. �A contradiction in terms.�� Well, how else can it be a contradiction?
2188. I hope the day will never come when Yankee Stadium holds a Hand Grenade Day.
2189. It�s �surprise�, not �supprise�.� Say it right!
2190. �Over and done�.� Can it be over and not done?
2191. People talk of uprisings as if there could be something called a �downrising�.
2192. The same can be said about �downfall�. How else can you fall but down?
2193. Why do people flip the glasses upside down when they set the table? What could possibly be the point of that?
2194. Why is it that lite radio stations seem to be playing the Bonnie Raitt song �Something To Talk About� about fifteen times a day? That is the most annoying AOR song existing.
2195. Sometimes I feel like life is a door jamb in the dark, and I�m a big toe that always seems to get stubbed no matter how careful I go along.
2196. Siamese twins and Twister: a recipe for confusion and disaster.
2197. People say that they �lose some weight� and then �put it back on again� as if it were the exact adipose tissue material that they burned off that attached itself to the body again.
2198. When a speaker has to repeat something several times for someone who cannot understand them, why does the speaker get testy at the listener? You know, most of the time, it�s the speaker�s fault for not talking loud enough or clear enough. I hate that.
2199. Really, why do people say, �Good morning,� �Hello�, or the like, to complete strangers?� Do they really care about the everyday doings of someone whom they don�t know from Adam?� I think not.
2200. �Please RSVP� is redundant.� RSVP means �reply please� in itself.
2201. When writing a letter to the Hermaphrodite Club, do you address it, �Dear Sir and/or Madam�?
2202. I am a closed-minded freak.� It takes something on the order of a battering ram and then the Jaws of Life to pry open my mind, no exaggeration. I commend anyone who has been able to open me up to new ideas.� Thank you.
2203. Get rid of an idiot for a while.� Tell him to go into a room and not come out until his elbow is in his mouth.
2204. It�s a curious trait among humans that whenever something goes mechanically wrong, their primal reaction is to hit it hard. I do not understand why humans think that this will be a quick fix for everything.
2205. Male ladybugs are nominal walking oxymora.
2206. �Well, I�m only human!�� Well, obviously, duh�
2207. How else can you laugh but to �laugh out loud�? If you can�t hear it, it isn�t a laugh�
2208. Why is there such a fascination with how rich people�s houses look? Do they really think they have a shot?
2209. �We can dream, can�t we?�� Why wouldn�t we be able to?
2210. Nice guys don�t really finish last. Because humans find it so hard nowadays to be genuinely nice, they�ve just made up that expression to justify their excuses for being so selfish and unkind.
2211. Make billiards more exciting.� Have each player�s pool cue be the other one�s body.
2212. People are stupid.� There�s really no such thing as magic.� It isn�t magic; it�s all scientific principles and misdirection.
2213. When people order in a drive-thru, why do they phrase the order in the form of a question?� What, do they think there�s a possibility that they�d say no?
2214. People ask of someone, �How do they spell their name?� as if the people were implying that the person spells their name differently than everyone else does.
2215. Women whine that men are cheap.� Therefore, this apparently entitles them to spend $150, or however much, on a pair of shoes that they wear once, throw in the closet, and completely forget about and never wear again.
2216. Just once, from a movie script with aliens, I�d like to hear them say, �We come in peace.� Take me to your whorehouse.�
2217. People always say how �cute� or �adorable� those kids in the 3-5-year-old age range are.� Really, give it up.� They�re extremely annoying.� They really get on your nerves sometimes.
2218. We men are cheap.� If we could, we�d try to make the last two squares of toilet paper last for three weeks.� It�s ridiculous, really.
2219. �Spread your wings and fly.�� How is it possible to fly without spreading your wings?
2220. What�s the deal with comedians who start every other sentence with �What�s the deal with��?� That�s awfully annoying.
2221. I don�t understand why some people have these really expansive bathrooms. What do you need one for? A bathroom, sink, mirror, and shower. Why does there have to be so much useless space? What else can possibly be done in there?
2222. Wouldn�t it be better to put the pictures, paintings, posters, and such on the ceiling, instead of the walls, of a dentist�s room?
2223. Here�s what I don�t get.� A female has a crush on a male.� She drops strong hints about it.� But because there�s some all-governing law of chivalry, he even still has to ask her?� Maybe I don�t get something.
2224. Just wondering� what would happen if you took a defibrillator to a monkey?
2225. Just wondering� would the Mexican Hat Dance music work with the lesser-known, quirkier Mexican Snow Tire Dance?
2226. You know those parents who like to dress their young twins in the exact same outfits?� That bugs me. �Oh, that�s so cute!� Right.� Number one, as if we couldn�t tell they�re twins by their faces, they just have to drive the point home with the clothes, right?� And number two, they�ve taken away the one thing we�ve got to tell them apart! Why make it impossible for everyone else to tell them apart just to show off your ability to do so?
2227. If you�ve got a self-conscious dog who hates to be alone, what do you do when it has to go to the bathroom?
2228. I�m tired of those peacenik freaks who say things like, �Why can�t we all get along?� with those stupid, freakish ear-to-ear grins. Get over it.� It is human nature to breed conflict.� It is foolish to think that it will ever happen otherwise.
2229. Leading candidate for the Antichrist: the really annoying kid in the Dell commercials.
2230. In owner�s manuals are instructions for fastening seat belts. How idiotic must one be to need instructions to buckle the seat belt?
2231. Not only is Carrot Top in the serious running for the Antichrist Award, but also is he a prime candidate for Moron of the Millennium. I mean, really.� Anyone up for doing ads to promote scamming collect-call codes is not the sharpest pencil in the desk drawer.
2232. Will someone please find an efficient use for Rush Limbaugh? I mean, really, there�s gotta be a door somewhere needing a battering ram, a bowling alley somewhere that�s lacking a bowling pin� you know, something useful for him, at least�
2233. What other kind of downpour can there be besides a torrential one?
2234. I�m tired of this nonsense that �crying is a sign of weakness�. Crying is not a sign of weakness; it is a sign of strength.� If you don�t let it out because you say you�re �too manly�, you are, in truth, not masculine enough.
2235. Little-known, obscure FOX TV series: �When Precocious 6-Year-Olds Read Ricki Lake Transcripts�.
2236. No wonder they call them �Rocky Mountain oysters�. No one would eat them if they�re called what they are, �bull testicles�.
2237. They call it MTV, or Music Television, but half the shows have nothing to do with music.� Go figure.
2238. How come no one is ever said to go into an �upward spiral�?
2239. Why isn�t �because I feel like it� ever a good enough answer for anyone else?� Does there always have to be justification for wanting to do something?
2240. To iterate means to repeat.� To reiterate means to repeat.� Go figure.
2241. The title �The Real World� seems kinda ironic, for a television network which has absolutely no grasp of reality.
2242. New proposed slogan: �Canada: Three Quarters Of Us Is Just Useless Tundra Anyway�.
2243. If someone says, �You better not lay a hand on me,� does that mean you may kick him?
2244. Those signs on the doors that say, �Keep Door Closed,� they don�t intuitively make sense.� If they really meant what the sign said, what would really be the point of a door there anyway?
2245. Can we really take seriously any company who uses a talking puppet in their commercials?� That has to be the hokiest ad ploy.
2246. Why do singers of the National Anthem have to pronounce it �perolus� instead of �perilous�?� That�s so annoying.
2247. �You learn something new every day.� You almost certainly forget it the next day, though.
2248. That babies scream in church is bad enough. What makes it unfortunately worse is that a lot of people find the source of the noise and stare at it. Honestly, why do people have to do that?
2249. Why is it that, when people are singing along, and they start to yawn, they keep trying to sing through the yawn?� What could be the purpose of that?� All that�s heard is a bunch of unarticulated, nonsensical sounds instead of the words.
2250. �I almost forgot!�� How can you almost forget?� You either completely remember or completely forget. There�s no in-between.
2251. Here�s how to either totally creep people out or start a really interesting dialogue.� When asked your party affiliation, say that you�re a registered Socialist.
2252. You go into the freezer to get something. All of a sudden, some food container keeps falling off the shelf, and, try as you might, you can�t make it stay up there in the place where it originally was!� How could it have been sitting there in the first place?!
2253. I can�t help but notice that in most music videos that just show the band playing, the camera cuts only once or twice, and briefly at that, to the drummer.� It�s rather funny. It�s like the message is, �Okay, here�s your three seconds of airtime just so you won�t think we�ve forgotten about your importance.�
2254. Some products, notably paper towels and napkins, do that �comparison with the leading brand� ad ploy.� God help us if that ever happens with Trojan.
2255. You know those commercials for those herbal supplements that supposedly enhance dead libidos?� Do we really need to hear the testimonials? I don�t think anyone wants to hear about the newly acquired sexual prowess of an old guy.
2256. There are not two sides to every issue. There are three.� There�s the pro, the con, and the most sensible one, the I don�t give a flying banana side.
2257. All food from animals is meat, according to vegetarians, but fish and poultry don�t count as meat, apparently.� This makes absolutely no sense.� If fish, chicken, and turkey don�t count as meat, then, by the vegetarian logic, they aren�t animals, either.� It�s foolish, really.� I thought vegetarians were against killing animals for food�
2258. When umpires call strikes, why do they have to give that grunt like they�re constipated? Why can�t they just enunciate the word �strike�?
2259.
When it�s been really hot or really cold
for a long stretch of time, why do newspapers run these big headlines on the
front page of the papers saying that there�s a heat wave/cold snap?� How can this be considered news that people
have to know about? Can�t they assume
that everyone knows about it anyway?
2260.
I hate
grammarians. Who are they to tell
people how they have to talk? Why do
they take it that their way is the all-encompassing right way?� There ain�t no way them telling me say stuff
how they wanting. I speakin� whatever
way I gonna talk, however I wanna do.
2261. Certain cause of comic relief: watching a rap video with the sound off.
2262.
�It�s been real.�� I don�t get why that expression denotes an exceptionally
good time. What is that opposed to,
�It�s been artificial�? �It�s been
fake�?
2263. A question that we all must inevitably ponder: who will play the role of Osama bin Laden in the made-for-TV movie?
2264. Something that would really confuse and/or annoy a significant portion of the population: the Test Pattern Channel. The only thing you�d ever see on that channel is a test pattern.� People would be constantly flipping to that channel to see if the test pattern will ever be fixed, but it won�t.
2265. When someone commits some horrid crime, like a murder, why do the media interview their mother or father? What do you think the parents will say? It�s always, �He was such a nice boy. He would never do something like this.� Get a freaking clue! You don�t learn anything new there! It�s silly, really.
2266.
If James Brown were a Founding Father
instead of the Godfather of Soul: �We
hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created FUNKY!� Uh-huh!�
Give it to me!�
2267.
What is so fascinating about a rotating
sprinkler head that people are captivated by its swirling stream of water for
minutes on end?
2268.
Why are people so quick to deny when
they�re accused of even the simplest and least harmless of habits?� It isn�t like these habits put such vicious
stigmata on their souls�
2269.
If you get a strange feeling that you�ve
already had d�j� vu in the same situation, how do you classify it?
2270. All right, you laundry know-it-alls, answer me this!� What do you do with a black-and-white striped shirt?� Huh, smarty-pants?
2271.
If you�ve got an answer to that last
question, I hope you really feel damned proud, I really hope you do.� You must feel like you�re so superlative to
anyone who doesn�t know the answer. I
hope your life is so much incredibly better for knowing something that�s of
little practical use. Really.
2272.
Just once, I�d like to hear that Spanish
soccer guy do the play-by-play on a bowling tournament.� �Here�s de ball� it�s rolling down de alley,
looking good� and he picks up the SPAAAAAARE!�
2273.
When there�s a movie sequel, the
announcer sometimes says, �He�s back� and this time, he won�t take no
for an answer!�, or something to that effect.�
Why? I don�t know.� Somehow I wouldn�t think it�d be too
exciting to say, �He�s back� and this time, he won�t� forget� his gum.�
2274.
When there�s a big backup band for a
live musical performance, sometimes there�s some guy whose only part is to play
the tambourine, or some puny part like that.�
And when the song is done, and applause is taken, the tambourine guy has
this big smile on his face as if he really played an important part in the
performance. Why?
2275.
I see some commercials for these
ointments that advertise as �maximum strength�.� Well, of course they're going to say that.� Why would they sell a product if they didn�t
intend to maximize its efficiency?
2276.
The joystick attached to Hugh Hefner�s
computer� nah, too easy a joke. I�ll
leave it alone.
2277.
Line heard at a nudist colony board
meeting: �No� no, I said, �hold an election.� E-lec-tion.� �
2278. �Popular hangout�. Well, if it weren�t popular, it wouldn�t be a hangout�
2279. �We agree with each other.� How else can two people �agree� but �with each other�?
2280. �Mass exodus�. Well, if only, like, three people leave, it really isn�t an exodus, is it?
2281.
Here�s what I don�t get.� When a batter for a visiting team hits a
home run, the fan who catches it throws the ball back onto the field.� Why?�
What do they think that would change?
2282.
Let�s get this one thing straight with
music video stations. I don�t care what
the drummer�s favorite color is, I don�t care what the bassist can do with his
nose hair, just play the damned music, okay?�
Shut up.
2283.
Why are we so freaking concerned about exactly
matching our socks? As long as (a)
they�re the same color, and (b) I can scrunch them down to the same length, I
don�t give a flying banana. It�s not
like someone�s gonna crawl up to me with a magnifying glass and check my socks
to make sure they�re identical.
2284.
Put this one in the �fun words to say�
category: �doodlebug�.
2285.
The past is immutable.� Why fret over it?� Remember the past, sure, but don�t dwell on it.
2286.
Leaf blowers are really fun.� Especially when they�re used as insect
blowers.
2287.
When you hear a song on the radio by a
group or artist that didn�t have many hits, and it�s the last song you hear
before you leave it, not only is that one song stuck in your head, but also are
all their other hits. I hate that.
2288.
When people are faced with a choice
between two things they like, they try to pick both of them, and they
consequently get neither of them. When
will they ever learn?
2289.
When parents of a Smith family name
their children Michael, John, Jack, or another very common name, what in the
world are they thinking? How do they
expect their kid to turn out interesting and to stand out with a name like Jack
Smith?
2290.
Wherever gasoline is, there is a label
that says that it is extremely flammable.�
What kind of idiot doesn�t know that gas is flammable?
2291.
�Sticks and stones can break my bones,
but words can never hurt me.� What
moron made up that saying? How can that
claim possibly be made, that words can�t hurt?�
Not only do words hurt, but also do they linger much longer than any
wound caused by �sticks and stones�.
2292.
Another fun phrase to say: �jelly legs�.
2293.
Rappers call it �dancing�.� Musicians and other humans call it �swaying
and shrugging your shoulders�. And
rappers think they�re so talented�
2294.
Let�s see.� A huge fuss was made because they didn�t understand �Louie Louie�
and thus thought it was about drugs and partying (which is very far from
the truth). No fuss was made about the
Harry Chapin song �Taxi� , even though he sings at the end, �I go flying so
high when I�m stoned�, really clearly.�
I don�t get it�
2295.
A survey of Americans showed that 73% of
people asked the same question: �Wait� Tampa Bay has a baseball team?�
2296.
Somehow I don�t think that many coherent
conversations can possibly occur between Warren Buffett and MC Hammer.
2297.
There should be one space mission
devoted to having four astronauts interlock their arms and do a cancan on the
moon. It may not be too productive, but
the American people would get a good laugh out of it.
2298. �Open forum�. How can a forum be closed in the first place? It�s open by definition.
2299.
Has anyone ever tried to do an
impression of Rich Little himself?
2300.
I think the letter Y needs some
psychological counseling. It isn�t even
sure of its own identity. Is it a
vowel? Is it a consonant?� It doesn�t even know what it is, poor thing.
2301. If you really want to show off your musical ignorance, tell me that you like that song called �Teenage Wasteland�. Come on. Please!� It�s �Baba O�Riley�! Stop calling it �Teenage Wasteland�!
2302.
Never a conversation, I hope: �I was
once a porn star.� �I couldn�t hear
you, come again?�
2303.
Forget Comedy Central.� You want 24-hour comedy?� Watch the Spanish channel.
2304.
It�s ironic what they call �comfort
food� in college. It more often than
not causes stomach discomfort for hours after intake.
2305.
How do companies get away with running
the same �new and improved� ad on their product for many months on end?� After that time, you�d think that it would
have well outgrown its newness.
2306.
You know you�re getting tired when
you�re looking at a digital clock and individual digits start oscillating
rapidly.
2307.
If you put Dan Quayle in a Hall of
Mirrors, how long would it take him to get out?
2308.
Researchers have found out that a sneeze
can travel 100 mph. Our tax dollars and
donations at work!
2309.
The music industry says that
file-sharing networks for MP3s are their biggest threat to business.� I say it�s ridiculous.� You know what�s their biggest threat to
business? It�s the music.� They�re so concerned with pumping out hit
after hit that they pay no attention to the quality of their so-called �music�
and take advantage of the public�s not knowing what good music is anymore.
2310.
�Together as one�.� Well, how else is it possible to be
together?
2311.
The doll Barbie has a full name.� It is Barbara Millicent Roberts.� (Don�t ask me how I know that, I just do,
okay?) Why does she need a full
name? She�s a freakin� doll, for
God�s sake! Do any girls care?� No.�
Would any girls call her Miss Roberts anyway?� I don�t think so. So why?!
2312.
So I may have thoughts that contradict
each other. Don�t make such a big deal
of it, honestly. Opinions and thoughts
change. It�s natural.
2313.
I bet you that you could read this
entire list of thoughts and they�d all be consistent with each other.� No hypocrisy, no changes in opinion.� My mind is a very stalwart thing.� My thoughts never change.
2314.
Just wondering� how do the fish take to
the regurgitated food from the seasick passengers of ships and boats passing?
2315.
If you tape-record a parrot talking and
then play it back to it, how confused would it get?
2316.
You know how when you look at a bright
object for a while, then close your eyes and, for a few seconds, you can still
see its image while your eyes are closed?�
That�s what happened when the second plane crashed into the second
building. You can close your eyes and
the image is indelibly stamped into your mind�s eye forever, try as you might
to get rid of it. It�s incredible.
2317.
I would�ve loved to have heard Bob Dylan
singing an Ozzy Osbourne song. Now,
wouldn�t that be funny?
2318.
Sure, you can trip over thresholds.� But it takes a professional klutz, as I am,
to walk into doors when you�re trying to open them, as I do.
2319.
Who played John the Baptist, baptizer of
Jesus Christ, in the film �Jesus Christ Superstar�?� A guy named Paul Thomas.�
Who was he? He was one of the
most infamous porno actors of the �70s and �80s.� The irony is appalling.
2320.
Anywhere you go, almost without fail,
there is a longer line at the woman�s restroom.� Why?
2321.
Sometimes I like to pretend to fall
asleep with sunglasses on. Number one,
it�s helpful when you don�t want anyone to bother you, and number two, it�s
interesting to observe how people act around you to avoid waking you up.
2322.
�Frozen solid�.� How else can it be frozen but solid?
2323.
I cannot imagine the uncomfortable looks
that occur within the freezer aisle of the nudist colony grocery store.
2324.
Earlier in the thoughts, I have poked
fun of white rappers. But, alas [sigh],
I have come to an epiphany. It does not
matter if you are a white rapper, black rapper, whatever color rapper.� You are all not talented just the same.
2325.
Popcorn balls have to be the most
ingenious snack known to man. It�s
popcorn� it�s caramel� and it�s molded into a convenient spherical shape.� You can�t do better than that, folks.
2326.
Naked people, rappers, and popcorn
balls. Now that�s what I call
entertainment.
2327.
Could people just stop saying,
�Correctamundo!�? Honestly, that�s annoying!
2328.
When prominent people die or a group of
people dies tragically, it is often said that we are �reminded of our own
mortality�. I don�t know about you, but
I don�t need to be reminded that I don�t live forever.� Believe me, I know.
2329.
Whenever I hear the word �award-winning�
in a commercial, I just ignore it with a shrug of the shoulders.� There are so many damn �awards� out there
from so many obscure sources that it�s really no big deal to get one anyway.
2330. I bet you the nudist colony version of �The Hokey Pokey� has one or two more verses than are normally sung, if you know what I mean [nudge nudge].
2331. If you want to really laugh, there are, on certain days at about 2 AM, 1980s synth dance-pop videos on MTV. They are just the cheesiest things.
2332. If Lifetime wants to move toward their twisted goal of proving that human males are all dumb boors, they might want to start showing Carrot Top quite often.� I don�t know, have him host a game show, maybe give him a supporting role in one of their man-bashing flicks, something like that�
2333. Fast food places now sell their sodas in sizes medium, large, and extra large.� So what happened to small?� If one size is called �medium�, wouldn�t that imply that it�s between two other sizes?� It makes no sense that they call the smallest size �medium�.
2334. I drink a bottle of water slowly. Minutes later, I still burp. How does that work? How do you get gas from drinking water?
2335. Quite possibly one of the most fun words to say: �schlep�.
2336. Several recent thoughts have been farcically directed at nudists.� Why?� Well, because naked people are funny!� Don�t you think so? They�re naked!
2337. Hmm.� They call it a rain check, yet it is used in indoor businesses, like grocery stores and retail chains.� That doesn�t make sense.
2338. Two things that really eat at me during fireworks displays.� Number one, when those kids who really think they�re funny and fake being shot whenever there is an explosion, and number two, when crowds let out obviously intentional and magnified oohs and aahs just to try to be stupidly funny. Honestly, stop! It�s annoying!
2339. In westerns, why is it that the cowboy has to ride off into the sunset every time? Does it just so happen that the cowboy always makes his ranch west of where the action is?
2340. People complain that everybody complains too much.� Isn�t this counterintuitive?
2341. People call boxing a sport. Boxing?� Come on.� It�s two people beating the hell out of each other.� What�s the object?� To knock the other guy so he can�t get up anymore.� How can this be called a sport?� It�s just another way for execs to rake in the dough and take advantage of people�s blood sense.
2342. The biggest lie in television: �We�ll be right back.�� Sure, after five minutes of ads!
2343. Do you think that Venus� flytraps would get annoyed if you dangled insects just out of its reach?
2344. How confused would a parrot get if you talked to it in an echo chamber?
2345. With all these weird instruments popping up in avant-garde jazz, I even still will not be impressed until I hear jazz triangle or jazz tambourine.
2346. Here�s how to freak out a newspaper. Call up its ad department and say you want to place a classified ad for �weapons of mass destruction, good condition, $25 million or best offer.�
2347. There are fries called �curly Q fries�. But show me one French fry shaped just like the letter Q.
2348. Candidate for Doofus of the Millennium: president of the John Tesh Fan Club.
2349. �Leave of absence.� As opposed to what, a �leave of staying�?
2350. What I�d really like to see is for someone on stilts to land a cartwheel without falling over first.
2351. What I�d really not like to see is a commercial for a sex shop that imitates the Mentos commercials.
2352. Six of the most ingenious words ever to find their way onto sheet music: �Play that funky music, white boy.�
2353. Four words I hope will never grace the title of a drink: Spam in a blender.
2354. Two other words I want never to title a beverage: Spam Cola.
2355. What I�d really like to see is a ballroom dancing competition routine set to the strains of Slipknot.
2356. I will not be impressed with any juggling routine until I see it done in a wind tunnel.
2357. Before throwing a bottle away, many people will screw the cap back on the bottle.� What�s the point of doing this?� Is it really worth the effort when the whole pile gets smushed together in the garbage truck anyway?
2358. Kenny G once held out an E-flat on his soprano sax for 47 minutes.� I�ve gotta give him credit here.� This has the most musicality out of anything he�s done.
2359. Personally, I find that the concept of stupidity is nothing to complain about.� It�s worked for humankind for this long. So why not continue?
2360. Soap opera that won�t work: �The Old and the Restful�.
2361. There should be some sort of law against men over a certain age going shirtless in public. It�s just wrong, okay?
2362. Should be a bumper sticker: �Honk if you�ve ever honked at one of those stupid �honk if you�re�� bumper stickers.�
2363. Why do they do pay-per-view concerts? You can pick up a scrambled PPV station and hear it just the same, without paying for it.
2364. �What�s up?� means the same things as �What�s going down?�� Hooray for the American slang lexicon.
2365. Affirmative action is stupid. Stop worrying about shoehorning people of different ethnicities into business positions.� Gee, have you ever thought about bringing in the most qualified people instead of trying to give some semblance of a �melting pot�? What�s more important, efficiency or color balance?
2366. There have been three or four performing Wayans brothers.� But, by God, it seems like there�ve been fifty of them.� Make them stop! �They�re everywhere!
2367. Here�s how to simulate how you�d feel after listening to a Kenny G album from start to finish. Take a big �family size� bag of Twizzlers. Eat the entire bag within an hour. Ahhh, nausea.
2368. When that �pet psychic� does a �reading� on, say, a Weimaraner, does she need a German-fluent poodle, or something, to �translate�?
2369. I�d like to see a motorcycle gang riding the streets wearing not leather, but all thick polyester.
2370. FOX television series suggestion: �When Good Rectal Exams Go Bad�.
2371. There�s one good thing about Rush Limbaugh: at least he didn�t agree with Hitler�
2372. Soap opera that won�t work: �General Mortuary�.
2373. Game show that won�t work: �Wheel of Misfortune�.
2374. I hope this title never graces the shelves of the sci-fi section: �Honey, I Shrunk the Kid�s Penis�.
2375. Faith: it is the most physically tenuous thing to have.� But it must be worth something, because it is the very last thing we grasp when all else seems hopeless.� It often is not effective, but even when we lose our last modicum of it, it at least cushions the blow from the pain because we know we didn�t go down without scratching and crawling with our very last resource.
2376.
Having thoughts is like having food for
me. After thirty-seven in one day, the
day before I�m thinking this, my mind is absolutely stuffed.� It feels like my mind is full when I�ve
thought a lot. It�s kind of like a
mind-ache.
2377. Do women have this innate, freakish ability to tell the difference between really close shades of color? I�ve seen makeup in crimson and mauve. What�s the difference?! By God, it�s freaking dark red!
2378. What was Goldilocks doing wandering into a house without its owner�s permission anyway, never mind trying out their beds or sampling their foods?
2379. I can�t believe I�ve let this go for this long.� I don�t know how I could leave out as a really fun phrase to say the phrase �shish kebab�.
2380. Yet another awfully entertaining word to say: �boysenberry�.
2381. This cracks me up. Say you�ve got a TV program, call it the �Sony All-Star Game�.� The announcer says, �The Sony All-Star Game, brought to you by� Sony!� Imagine that, at the Sony All-Star Game!
2382. What�s with all these people naming their dogs, say, Fido, Peaches, Shadow, or Buddy? What kind of names are those? If I get a dog again, I�m gonna name it Steve.
2383. �Frequent and persistent heartburn�. How can it be persistent without being frequent?
2384. If I beget a son (scary thought, isn�t it?� But that�s another story�), I want to name him Xavier Zachary.� I think it�d be cool to have a son whose initials are XZC.
2385. Game show that won�t work: �Who Wants To Win A Dollar�.
2386. It�s bad enough that women need seventy thousand pairs of shoes.� But why do they think that we need so many pairs of new shoes? We don�t!� We don�t care how our shoes look, we don�t care how old our shoes are when they�re put on.� Why? Because we realize that shoes aren�t made to make our feet look good; they�re made to cushion our steps, no matter how worn they are.� Practicality!
2387. It really bothers me how there�s this disturbing trend among Americans that, when given the choice between something that looks good and something that works better, they pick the former. Case in point: SUVs. No wonder the economy falters; Americans don�t like to buy things that work.
2388. Yes, stereotypes are not good. But think about it. Would stereotypes be made in the first place if they didn�t have at least some basis in fact?� So they�re not that far off from the truth.
2389. I hope dumb guys everywhere have learned their lessons: when changing a light bulb, don�t turn on the light to help you see.� Ouch.
2390. Did Randy Newman write his infamous song �Short People� about Gary Coleman?� Hmm.� The song was put out in 1978.� �Diff�rent Strokes� debuted in 1978.� Coincidence? Maybe, maybe not�
2391. Okay� rappers? I don�t know where you got tha idea that it�s tha cool thing to spell tha word �tha� with tha letter �a� at tha end. It�s tha dumbest thing.
2392. It seems like one of the main purposes of many teachers is to make you feel stupid and embarrassed at the same time. They ask you, personally, really difficult questions and glare at you really ominously. Okay� Johnny� what was the license plate number on the car that James Dean crashed in?� Hmmmm?�
2393. I�m absolutely tired of those so-called cultural nabobs who whine and complain that the average American watches too much television.� You know what? Get your nose unstuck from our personal decisions, and shut up.� If we want to be lazy, if we want to get fat, we can do that if we want. It�s our decision. It�s our health, our well-being, not yours.
2394. At some places, when you want a can of soda, you�re given the can, but you�re also given a glass. I don�t understand this There�s a reason that cans are designed the way they are, you know.� It�s a very special ergonomic design that allows for you to drink it from the can!
2395. Game show that won�t work: �Who Wants to Have My Dirty Laundry�.
2396. Why do they call it a �slumber party� if no one hardly ever sleeps at it?
2397. It would be really cool to see sumo wrestlers duke it out in a swimming pool.
2398. A recent survey revealed that 32% said yes, 41% said no, and 27% said, �Only if my mother will never know.� I have no idea what the question was, but, chances are, it was rather interesting.
2399. Here�s how to really freak people out. Get a parrot and start barking at it for a while.� Put it out when company comes, and watch their reactions when the parrot starts to bark.
2400. The producers of �Chariots of Fire� could�ve saved a little special-effects funds in the last scene if they just had cut a real-time sequence of the runners racing with gum on their shoes instead of a slow-time sequence racing on the beach.
2401. One thing about those depilatory commercials.� They show the wax stuff being put on the strip, they show its being stuck on the skin and being ripped off.� But do they, then, really have to show the peeled-off hair on the other side? That�s just gross.� And don�t they think we�d get a clue of its efficacy by the missing hair?
2402. Dumb guy�s complaint about mothballs: they never seem to work because he never has good enough aim to hit the moths.
2403. For some reason, whenever some moth flies into a house via an open door, or something, someone flies into this huge tizzy, like, �Oh, no, there�s a moth in the house! What are we gonna do?�� Oh, come on!� It�s just a damn moth!� What�s it gonna do, swoop down and bite your head off? Of course not!� It�s harmless!
2404. Cable access is funny. Cable access at 2 AM is just freaking hilarious.
2405. A spokesman in a car company commercial talked of their cars� having good �low-end torque�. There�s a joke in there that I�m just not gonna touch.
2406. Some places have banned smoking indoors, and people are complaining about this.� Well, first of all, those people are, invariably, the smokers, of course.� They whine that �a right is being taken away from us�.� What right is that?� The right to blow secondhand smoke in nonsmokers� faces, to cause them to choke and gag on it?� Not only is this unhealthy for the whiners, but also is it for the bystanders.
2407. �Innocent bystander�. If he�s a bystander, an onlooker, then he�s innocent anyways, isn�t he?
2408. Here�s how to really peeve someone. Go into a New York City accessories shop, and ask them how come you can�t find any Red Sox caps.
2409. Helpful, healthy hint: if you�ve got a paranoid schizophrenic with you, don�t go to a wax museum. Until you do that, you don�t know what anxiety looks like.
2410. On a street corner, I once saw a really old guy, and he was wearing an advertisement for a strip club. Is that creepy, or what? Only in the Big Apple�
2411. You ever get the feeling that you think there�s a bug on top of your head, then go and hit your head to crush the �bug� and realize it�s just an itch?� I hate that.
2412. There�s some kind of survey every so often that measures the percentage of female presidents and CEOs. Stop doing that.� What does it matter?� Why don�t you do a survey of the percentage of amply qualified presidents and CEOs?
2413. Customers that find a good deal get bangs for their bucks.� But expensive prostitutes get� well, you know where I�m going here.
2414. Those people have been out there for decades and decades with signs on their necks that say, �The end is near�. You�d think that after the years and years that those people have been wrong, that they�d�ve learned by now.
2415. I could imagine Michael Buffer as a priest.� Before each Mass, the lights are turned off, and he comes out under a spotlight. Then he takes the mike: �Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the main event!� LLLLLLLLLLLET�S GET READY FOR JESUS!!!�
2416. I don�t know very many Hungarian composers.� But that�s the Liszt of my problems. [groan]
2417. �Good cop, bad cop�. Isn�t that the wrong order? The �bad cop� always comes first.
2418. Back-to-school ads, especially those for fashion, show pictures of kids being happy.� Come on.� How posed is that? How can kids be happy for school just because of clothes?
2419. �Stranded on a desert island�. Is the �stranded� part really necessary? If you�re on the desert island, it�s pretty much a given that you aren�t really going anywhere for a while.
2420. When people make big booboos, they invariably say, �Well, I�m only human!�� What, is that the all-purpose excuse?� Come on, what does that mean?� Is that supposed to just magically mitigate their blame for anything they mess up?� Sorry, it doesn�t work like that.
2421. �Two trailer park girls go �round the outside, �round the outside, �round the outside.� What the F is that supposed to mean? Let�s hear it for Eminem and his genius lyricism. Whoopee.
2422. Here�s what eats at me. Someone takes out a bottle of some potable from the fridge and pours a glass of it.� Only a teeny bit of it remains in the bottle. But the bottle is put back in the fridge anyway. Why leave only a sip left back in the fridge for the next person?� Just finish the damn bottle!
2423. When those tabloid papers advertise the apocalypse�s soon supposed arrival, why do they still advertise for subscriptions to the paper?� If they�re so sure about Armageddon, then yearly subscriptions wouldn�t really mean anything, would they?
2424. Why do we have to say the �twelve� in �twelve noon� and �twelve midnight�?� Is it to distinguish it from �ten noon� and �eleven midnight�?
2425. Whoever coined the term �funkalicious� is an absolute genius.
2426. �Plastic silverware�. How is this possible?� It�s plastic, not silver!� Idiots!
2427. If there were a dyslexic band, how weird would the music sound?
2428. Just wondering� what would happen if you gave Prozac to a dog?� It would be interesting to see what mood swings look like in a dog.
2429. Imagine Siamese twins, and one of them is a transvestite.� I don�t know what the significance of this is, but just imagine it, okay? Weird�
2430. Here�s how to really confuse people. Get a dog, and name it �Kitty�. So when you say, �Here, Kitty�, a dog comes to you.� Freaky�
2431. Who needs headache medicine? Hit your head against a wall repeatedly until your head goes numb.� See? No headache!
2432. I have a very rare talent. I am able to annoy people with my mere presence.
2433. Billiards would take on a much more fun reputation if it were played in a wind tunnel.
2434. �A whole new twist�. If it were the same, it wouldn�t really be a �Twist� anyway, would it?� It�s a redundancy.
2435. Revenge idea: call up someone you hate, and put a metronome to the receiver.� They�ll be driven nuts figuring out what the heck that rhythmical ticking is.
2436. Healthy tip: if you�ve got a sleepwalker on your hands, jumper cables are not the way to go.
2437. The one who sees Anna Nicole Smith by the side of the road with a dead car battery has a difficult decision to make: where to attach the two jumper cables.
2438. �End result�. What, as opposed to the �start result�?
2439. If any of you genetic engineers have a lot of time on your hands, I�d like to see a tug-o�-war match on a human hair with a bunch of ants.� That�d be something.
2440. I don�t know about you, but I�ve never seen any pencils other than number two pencils. Maybe I�m dumb, maybe not. But why do standardized tests make such a fuss over whether pencils are number two when number two pencils are the only ones sold in basic office supply stores?
2441. Give prisoners a dilemma. Give them a big recreation area, and give them lots and lots of rec time, but play only one thing on the loudspeaker: Barry Manilow CDs.� After a while, they�ll really think twice about going out for rec time.
2442. Tennis would be a lot more fun and humorous if it were played in a zero-gravity chamber.
2443. On the protective seal of some deodorant containers is written, �Discard protective seal�. What do they think, that you�re gonna keep it? And, besides, what could possibly be the harm of keeping it?
2444. �You gotta keep an eye on him. He�s the quiet one.�� You mean, if there�s some guy screaming his lungs out, you still gotta be concerned with the one minding his own business?
2445. Why is it that whenever there�s a railing, or some other horizontal pole, even on a flat surface, people have to grab onto it?� I mean, it�s flat, for God�s sake, you won�t fall down�
2446. What I�d really like to see is for a marching band to all dress up in Michael Jackson costumes and do a Jacko halftime show incorporating the moonwalk several times.
2447. It�s funny, the labels people put on you these days.� You wear your sunglasses indoors, and talk to yourself aloud in a roomful of people, they call you quirky.� Can you imagine?
2448. Two words that would make chess more exciting and perhaps televisable:� exploding pawns.
2449. �Turn around the other way.� Well, how else can you turn around?
2450. �Make up for lost time�. I don�t understand how you can �make up for� anything that�s gone forever.
2451. Just wondering� what would happen if you put a monkey on a space mission, and give it high doses of a hallucinogen? Whatever would happen, it would be rather humorous.
2452. Cowboy dirty joke punch line: �Roping?� I thought you said groping!�
2453. For the next winter Paralympics, what I�d like to see is the snowboarding aerials, and, all of a sudden, some guy comes down the hill and up the ramp in a wheelchair and pulls a triple flip.
2454. Here�s how to tell the dumb guy at a convention.� He�s the one wearing his nametag upside down for, as he says, �future reference�.
2455. Why do shoe stores have mirrors? Don�t you think you have enough visibility of your feet to discern how the shoes make the fronts and backs of your feet look?
2456. I find it funny when fashion companies just take these solid-colored, drab T-shirts, plaster their logo on the front, and sell them at retail stores as if it were their fashion creation. I mean, come on. You can do better than that!
2457. Just how many shapes of Chee-tos are they gonna come up with?� They all taste the same damn way!� What do you need ten thousand different freaking shapes for?
2458. Sitcom idea: five drunk people try to make it up two flights of a spiral staircase.
2459. I don�t get it. When you�ve got a crush on someone, and you really think they like you, or at least aren�t repulsed by you, why does it have to be so damn hard, so damn complicated?� There�s all this back-and-forth stuff, and she looks at you, but you don�t know if you�re able to interpret this as a sign, or just an incidental thing; and you have a dialogue, and she laughs, and you don�t know if it�s some instinctive laugh or if she appreciates your humor� why can�t this all be easy? Aarrghh!
2460. It�s funny: when you�re occupied with something while sitting down and barefoot, sometimes you find something interestingly shaped with your feet, and start twirling it around with your toes. You�re so damn engrossed in the mystery of the item that you don�t bother to look down at it, and when you do see what it is, you�re invariably disappointed at its insignificance.
2461. When there�s this open space of grass with a single asphalt path narrowly laid down on it, why is it that, invariably, all or virtually all of the people are still squeezed onto the asphalt path? What, is it some verboten thing to walk on the grass?
2462. At aquaria, why do people insist on putting their faces against the glass and making fish faces? What possible purpose could that have? Do people actually think that the contortion of the face itself is going to draw the attention of the fish? Of course not! It�s that there�s a face there in the first place, the fish don�t care what the face is doing!
2463. Can you imagine what it would be like to live your entire life in a space as big as your bedroom? Well, how do you think a goldfish feels, forever in that tiny fishbowl?� It won�t die of age, it�ll die of boredom!
2464. Magazine editors: now those guys have issues. [groan]
2465. Overheard in Jennifer Lopez� dressing room: �Note to self: keep showing cleavage, people will still think I�m talented.�
2466. My nickname is now Tweek. If you�ve ever seen �South Park�, you�ll know what I�m talking about.� He�s blond, very paranoid, freaky, hopped up on caffeine, and very fidgety. An absolute mirror image of me.
2467. For all those people who don�t respect my decision to go to parties with alcohol: honestly, just shut up. I don�t want to hear it. I don�t want to go.� I don�t drink.� I don�t like to watch people who drink.� Why is it so hard for you to acknowledge that?� I�m sorry, I don�t do it like all the �popular� people do. You know, there are some people who accept my decision without question.� At least they have the capacity and the self-control to leave well enough alone and not make other people do what they don�t want to do. Get over it! Accept it!� Move on!
2468. Just how often do you see the sign � for division anymore?� Almost never. You see it as a fraction. So why do they run over that notation with young students so often, if they�re hardly ever gonna see it in their life anyway?
2469. I hate it when you�re really tired in the daytime, and, when you nod off, you have these one-minute dreams that all seem like they�re a part of reality.� I get so confused during that brief period after you wake up, that five-second window of time between awakening and realizing that it was a dream, and by the time you realize it was a dream, you completely forgot what went on in it.� It�s weird.
2470. Siamese twins and ventriloquism: now, there could be an interesting combination.
2471. People have expressed their wish to be a �fly on the wall� at certain significant or interesting goings-on. Well, if you were a fly, you really wouldn�t have the sensory capability or thought process to understand even what was going on at all, never mind the significance of it. Swat me now�
2472. Sure, you know how it is to have a song stuck in your head.� But sometimes I get two, sometimes more, songs stuck and playing in my head at the same time.� For instance, I�ve got the theme from �Shaft� and the theme from �Growing Pains� going simultaneously.� Damn, that�s confusing�
2473. Have you ever heard something described as �woolly� without also being �wild�?� It�s always been �wild and woolly�, never just �woolly�.
2474. A bit of advice: �67 Chevy equals �babemobile�.� �92 Honda Civic does not.
2475. Besides that dumb hip-hop and rap stuff, there�s one thing that pop culture really,, absolutely, surely never needs, ever.� One more Tom Green movie.
2476. If the Cleveland Indians beat the Red Sox some time, something�s telling me that it wouldn�t look too good if I put up on Instant Messenger away message saying, �damn Indians�.
2477. Why are all those guys in the shaving cream and face razor ads pumped with bare, shaven chests? Why does it matter how anything else but their faces looks?
2478. �Tight squeeze�. As opposed to what, a �loose squeeze�?
2479. I could make a joke about Siamese twins and incest here, but you fill in the blank. I�ve got too much taste to say anything further along those lines at this moment.
2480. Rejected sitcom idea: �The Acrophobic Platform Diver�.
2481. Most of the time, when you hear the phrase �circumstances beyond our control�, what they really mean is �circumstances we were too damn lazy to feel like correcting�.
2482. I would define cynicism right now for you, but why should I?� I don�t feel like it right now, and you really wouldn�t give a damn about what I have to say anyway; all you care about is your own dumb lives anyway. Selfish idiots�
2483. Do mimes really have sex, or are they just faking it?
2484. How big are fast-food places going to go with their soda sizes anyway?� Every time I look, someone�s one-upped everyone else. When are they just gonna offer the whole damn tank of soda?
2485. I could say something about porn stars� barbecues and foot-long hot dogs, but I�m just gonna leave that alone. It�s too easy.
2486. Damn it, why do people park their godforsaken cars on the roadside, three quarters of the way out into the lane of traffic?� Don�t do it! It�s annoying!� If you get hit, it�s your own freaking fault!
2487. Try this experiment. Do 35 in the left lane of a busy interstate highway. Calculate the average number of middle fingers and honked horns you receive per mile.� Fun, isn�t it?
2488. I see so many environmentalist bumper stickers on the back of old rattlers and other gas-guzzling cars. If you care that much about the environment, then why are you driving a car that doesn�t even get 20 miles to the gallon?
2489. When you�re in college, and you didn�t get enough sleep the night before, you invariably will nod off in class not of boredom, but of fatigue.� Damn, that looks bad.
2490. I want to say something about the method of consumption of hot dogs at a porn stars� picnic, but I don�t think I could do so within the bounds of decency.
2491. Not a good idea in carpentry innovation: stucco floors.� Damn, that�d hurt.
2492. The French exclamation �sacre bleu!�� roughly translates to �holy blue thing�.� Now, what the F does that mean, anyway?� �Holy blue thing�? Leave it to the French�
2493. If you�ve ever written a check to buy a bottle of soda� you might be a college student.
2494. Here�s what�d be really interesting to hear: a soft-rock, adult contemporary style band with Satanic-tending lyricism.� Basically, Barry Manilow devil worship music.
2495. Damn, now I�ve got Barry Manilow�s �Mandy� stuck in my head, but with him singing the word �Satan� instead of �Mandy�. Again� damn.
2496. It�s said that everyone has their own theme song.� Mine is no longer the Beatles� �I�m a Loser�; it now happens to be Led Zeppelin�s �Dazed and Confused�.
2497. �Free giveaway�. As opposed to a giveaway that you gotta pay for?
2498. Some people love to eat potato salad. Damn, I can�t even get near that stuff without gagging from the smell of it.
2499. Does Starbucks name their largest size in French, �grande�, instead of the English word �large�, just so they can sound more pretentious and thus charge more for it?
2500. In restaurants, when I have a completely finished plate of something, and there�s nothing left on the table as of then, why does the waiter still come by and ask, �So, are you finished with that?�� No, I was planning to lick the plate� of course I�m done with that!
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