2501. When following anyone�s advice, remember this about the bad kind: it's the sugar coating that looks sweet, but ends up a bitter pill on the back of the tongue.
2502. See if you can fool a drunk. Pour a glass of seltzer water and tell them it�s carbonated vodka.� �Damn, this stuff goes down easy!�
2503. �Open for business�. Why can�t you just say �open�? If it says �open�, this means that they�re doing business anyway, right?
2504. Not a likely movie: �The Hilarious Adventures of Sheep-Calling Boy and the Goat�.
2505. A likelier movie: �Hilarious Outtakes From the Hit TV Sitcom �Osama and the Goat� �.
2506. Damn.� As I write this, it�s been a year since the devastating terror attacks in New York City, Washington, and Pennsylvania. I won�t try to be profound when so many more people can do so better than I.� So I have this simply to say: God bless America, and God bless our freedom, virtue, strength, and unity.
2507. Life is one big game of Whack-a-Mole. You think you�ve got all of it down, and some damn pesky animal pops up and you�ve got to deal with that problem. Once you think you�ve got him whacked, more stuff comes up.� You can never win the game of Whack-a-Mole that is life. So why bother trying?
2508. If you have to belch, get as much fun out of it as you can.� Press your lips together as you burp.� This lets out a freaky buzzing noise.� Damn, that�s entertaining!
2509. One of my proudest ever accomplishments in life is blowing bubbles with a stick of Dentyne gum once previously thought to be unblowable.� Okay, maybe not one of the proudest, but I�m damn proud nonetheless.
2510. Teachers get all indignant when kids doze off in class.� But why is that? Why do they get mad? Whose fault is it that the kids are asleep, anyway?
2511. Sometimes I see ads claiming �an experience like no other�.� If they mean �an experience better than anything else�, they should say that. What they say now doesn�t mean that. It just means that there is no experience similar, not better.
2512. Sorry, I just have to get this off my chest.� Why are humans so damn stupid?
2513. A helpful, healthy hint: do not sneak up behind an armed Secret Service agent and pop your bubblegum bubble.
2514. �Unacceptable solution�. How�s this possible?� If it�s not acceptable, then it really can�t be a solution, can it?
2515. A reasonable prediction: I will hear the phrase �The Expos win the World Series� or �The Devil Rays win the World Series� as often as I will hear the phrase �a riveting game of Trivial Pursuit�.
2516. I�ve seen the phrase �crisp, clean refreshment� used in ads.� Is this as opposed to �boring, dirty refreshment�? Why are �crisp� and �clean� really necessary here?
2517. You know it wasn�t a good night�s sleep when, upon waking with the alarm, you stumble out of bed, fall forward into the dresser on which the clock is sitting to reset the alarm, stumble back toward the bed, and fall back asleep before you get to the bed.
2518. Religious doubters raise the question of �Where was God on 9-11, when 3,000 people were killed?� I�ll tell you where God was. He wasn�t letting the 3,000 people die, He was saving the 47,000 who got out safely.
2519. You know how when you live in a boring town, and a new business pops up, and everybody has to flock to that new business to see how it is?� God help the boring town when a mortuary opens up in it.
2520. You know when it says �Press any key to continue� on the computer?� How come people almost always press either the space bar or the enter key? Come on, be adventurous! Press the Q!� Press the 7!
2521. As I record this thought, it is my nineteenth birthday.� 19 is the one nobody cares about.� 18, you�ve got voting, lotto, tobacco, and porn.� 20, you�re no longer a teenager.� 21, you�re an adult, you�ve got alcohol. But 19?� Nothing.� Nothing special.
2522. �Not unlike�. Why can�t you just say �like�? Why must you use the double negative?
2523. Fun on an escalator: get on one, start jogging up it humming the �Rocky� theme really fast, and jump up and down, shouting �Yo, Adrian!� with your fists in the air so that the whole mall can hear it.
2524. Why do companies going out of business still get concerned with �reasonable offers�? What do they care about reasonable offers? They�re going out of business!
2525. Damn it! Now I�ve got the song �In the Year 2525� stuck in my head� damn! I hope you do, too, now! Aarrghh!
2526. You know those randomly exploding manhole covers that sometimes fly stories into the air? I wonder what it�d be like to take a ride on one of those. Damn, that sounds like fun�
2527. Personally, when a sign on a door says, �Danger: Radioactive Material� on it, I don�t take it as a warning. I take it as an invitation.
2528. You know an interesting place to put a playground?� Right next to a hazardous waste dump.� Their fourteen-fingered and sixteen-toed children will be playing there, when those kids have children.
2529. I can�t understand the reason that aliens would travel light years and light years just to give some unsuspecting guy an anal probe.� Intuitively, this would seem like a vast waste of a trip.
2530. When you hear two people speaking in a foreign language, and one of the guys starts laughing really hard, don�t you wish you knew what they said?� Damn, I hate the feeling of being left out like that�
2531. When two cars are stopped side-by-side at a stoplight, why do the drivers of the cars have to look at each other? Can they resist knowing what each other looks like?
2532. I can�t imagine that there are too many nudist colonies in Siberia.� Body parts would do very, very abnormal and uncomfortable things there.
2533. If the Montreal Expos played the Tampa Bay Devil Rays in San Francisco, would anyone go to the game?
2534. Four words on a news report item that discount everything after them: �The National Enquirer reports�.
2535. Why do people who don�t know the words to songs still try to sing along with them anyway? Whom are they trying to fool, anyhow?
2536. Okay, would people just stop saying �anyhoo�?� Damn it, that�s annoying!
2537. People say of the United States, �United we stand�.� Who�s �we�? I don�t wanna stand. I�m too lazy.� Can I just sit and be united instead?
2538. Here�s one way to really get people looking at you weird.� At the dinner table, ogle your food amorously for a few seconds before each bite you take of it. Better yet, do it until someone says, �What the hell are you doing?�
2539. If fashions are so �hot�, the �in thing�, then why do they change every three weeks? Wouldn�t they stay longer if they were that good?
2540. See, I don�t have to use a hairbrush. I�ve got some very convenient tools that can brush my hair just as effectively.� They�re called hands.
2541. I love it when you�re on your computer, and you get this error message that says something like �Error in access module 4BDF2:EE47A98C� and just the OK button. You have to click OK, it�s no choice, but you have no idea what the hell it could possibly mean, and you feel like you may be giving your consent to launch some nuclear weapons test in Siberia.
2542. Does anybody else find it odd that Greenland is comprised mostly of ice, while Iceland is comprised mostly of greenness?
2543. Fun with a chronometer: hang around a movie theater lobby telling people the endings of movies, and see how long it takes for you to get kicked out.
2544. Why do people bother with vanity plates?� Number one, wouldn�t it make their cars more identifiable in a crime? And number two, there are better (and less expensive) ways to express creativity than in six letters and numbers.
2545. Here�s what I really don�t understand. From time to time, in rock songs, there seems to be this motif of �I love you so much, but now I gotta leave for good�.� What is this? How is this right? If you really do love them that much, then absolutely nothing should drive you away from them.� No respecting person does that to their true companion.
2546. One thing that really shivers me: I see people with shaven heads, and some of them look like they have these creases and pockmarks.� That�s so unappealing.� Come on� wear a hat, or something.� Honestly�
2547. Here�s an easy way to fix the clock-setting problem on the VCR: unplug it, and plug it back in at exactly midnight. Think about it�
2548. What do I imagine Hell to be like? For me, personally, it would be wandering through an infinite supermarket with nothing but Kenny G music droning on and on, for all eternity, from the Loudspeakers of Death.
2549. Take advice from those who have failed rather than from those who have succeeded. From past experience, I have found that it�s more useful to know what not to do than to know what to do right.
2550. If any of you genetic engineers have enough time on your hands, I�d really like to see a rabbit instinctively stand up on its hind legs and randomly do the moonwalk when frightened. That�d be a sight to see.
2551. Shakespeare turned porno: �Ron Jeremy and Juliet�.� It�d be interesting to have porno in Shakespearean dialogue.
2552. Alex Trebek in porno: �The answer is: me.�� �Who is your daddy?� �Yes, YES! I mean� correct!� You have control of the board!�
2553. Porno filmed in a fast-food restaurant: �Special Orders At No Extra Charge�.
2554. Just how much caffeine are �Wheel of Fortune� contestants given before the show? Damn, I never knew grown men could jump that high or screamed that high-pitched�
2555. Just wondering� how dumb would I look if I dressed up as a monkey and jogged through the drive-thru lane of a McDonald�s to order my meal?� Would they serve me, in a monkey suit?
2556. Many people list �what they�re looking for� in their �ideal mate�.� What the hell.� Are you going to identify a soul mate like that?� That bugs me.� How do you expect to identify your one true love by comparing them to a petty checklist? No one is going to perfectly like each other�s apparent traits.� It�s intuition; go with it!� It�s all a hunch, a crazy caprice.� Don�t overanalyze it.
2557. You know what we don�t hear enough of?� Trash talking in tic-tac-toe games.� �Hah! You can�t block me now! Jo� mama!� You can�t beat me at tic-tac-toe!� I am the king� the king!� Hahaha!�
2558. Two words that would make tennis matches more interesting to watch: pogo sticks.
2559. If there were maternity wards for mayfly mothers, would they stay for, say, longer than two or three seconds?
2560. Job description that would really suck: third-string catcher for the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Not only do you hardly ever play, but it�s for the worst team in baseball.
2561. Say �Aaron Copeland�s �Hoedown� � , and most people would have no idea what the hell you�re talking about. Say �the song from the �Beef: it�s what�s for dinner� commercial�, and then virtually everyone immediately knows what piece you mean.� Isn�t that sad?
2562. Why is it that, whenever someone tries to remember something, they wave a hand circularly as if that�d make them remember?� It�s dumb and annoying.
2563. Movie trailers often contain a line to the effect of �But they had no idea what would happen next�� Well, big, freaking duh. What do you think, they can tell the future? Of course they don�t know what happens next!
2564. Ah, Kenny G. Who better to provide a soundtrack to film sequences of people dry-heaving than he?
2565. Various observations of the human condition have driven me to make one very crucial conclusion: okay, so I�m not the most repulsive person in existence.
2566. Life is like a game of Trivial Pursuit: you keep going around in circles seeking seemingly important answers to insignificant questions, and whoever finds the answers fastest does the best.
2567. Life is also like a porno movie: it starts, you hear a lot of cheesy music, it has its ups and downs, you get some pleasure and some pain from it, and at the end, you realize that all of that F�ing around was essentially worthless.
2568. �That�s a sight to see!� As opposed to what? �A sound to see�? �A sight to hear�?
2569. It must suck to ride the subway on a busy morning.� Why? There are many straphangers, and, invariably, some aren�t wearing deodorant�
2570. Whenever someone asks you why you�re doing something, I do not see why the response of �For the hell of it� can ever be unacceptable.
2571. Damn it, why do they have to start advertising for Christmas videos and music in late September and early October? We haven�t even started to think about Thanksgiving yet!� What the hell are you springing Christmas on us for?� That�s annoying!
2572. Life is like a pooper scooper. You gotta deal with a lot of stuff, and most of it you successfully and easily fling out of sight, not to be seen again.� However, there will be some things that occasionally stick and can�t be rid easily. With persistence, sometimes more than others, eventually, you�ll clear that stuff too, but it�ll take quite a lot of effort. And the stuff that still stays really stinks.
2573. Does a dyslexic atheist deny the existence of a dog?
2574. I saw a sign in front of a building at the University of Connecticut, and it said �child development laboratories�. Now, I know what they mean, it�s a human development/family relations building.� But couldn�t they word it a bit better?
2575. Okay� I�ve heard the �Only if we were the last two people on Earth� situation presented many times. But wouldn�t that be a little sick, though? I mean, if the human race depended on it, wouldn�t that mean that the kids themselves would have to reproduce among themselves?� Eww�
2576. Life is like a vacuum cleaner. Even when it�s working well, it sucks, but when it�s not working up to par, it sucks even worse.
2577. To watch a weasel scurrying randomly around can be funny.� To watch an overcaffeinated weasel do the same in a confined space can provide for hours upon hours of mindless entertainment.
2578. It�s interesting how I see these �Save the environment� bumper stickers.� I see them all over the place.� You know, you�d think that the environmental people who print these millions and millions of bumper stickers around the world would realize just how many cut-down trees are used to manufacture them.
2579. I should stage a protest against sign and pamphlet usage in environmental protests. It would seem counterintuitive for environmentalists to be using so much paper to protest cutting down forests.
2580. I know of many people who like to �rough it�, to go out into the wilderness and live off the natural stuff. Damn, I hate that. I don�t know how they do it. For me, what �roughing it� consists of is sleeping in my own bed without any blankets.� That�s about as far as I�ll go.
2581. I hate it when those spoilsports say things to the effect of, �There�s a time for work, and there�s a time for fun. This is the time to work.� Just shut up, honestly! You�ve all got miserable lives.� The only way to get any productive (I stress productive) work done is to have fun with it at the same time! And if it isn�t productive, there�s no point to doing it!
2582. What I�d really love to hear is how the hell proctologists decided upon that career choice. Maybe it�s because all their other choices were taken. That is the only plausible explanation I can think of�
2583. What would be really interesting to hear is if Snoop Dogg were to cut a tribute album to Simon and Garfunkel.
2584. What would be really interesting to see is if Snoop Dogg were to cut a video in which the only dance moves he does are the hokey pokey and the bunny hop.
2585. He who pays the piper calls the tune. But that doesn�t mean anyone else has to listen to it.
2586. Life is like an almost-empty bottle of ketchup.� You keep waiting for the good stuff to come out, you really anticipate it, but, despite all your highest hopes, you invariably will be disappointed because you don�t get any good stuff to come out at all.
2587. Political debaters, when you see them up on their podia, have glasses of a clear liquid on the podia for when their voices get tired.� The more debates I�ve watched, the more I�m suspecting that this liquid is not water, but vodka.
2588. A good way to get strange and confusing looks at a funeral mass: as the funeral song, play �Funkytown�, and have the pallbearers rhythmically pump up and down the casket to its beat.
2589. Here�s how to tell the couple who has a sense of humor.� At the wedding, they pick their wedding song to be the Bloodhound Gang�s �Bad Touch�.
2590. To all those who ask me if I have a thought about them in the random thoughts list� here, this one�s for you.
2591. Can we trust the salad dressing at a porn stars� picnic?� �Hey, this stuff isn�t creamy Italian��
2592. To the untrained ear, all rap and all hip hop sounds basically the same.� But if your ear is trained, if you listen closely, you�ll find quite a lot of differences in it.� But one thing remains in common: they still all suck.
2593. OkaY, cAn peOPlE JuST StoP iNTErsPeRsINg cApitAL aND SMalL lEtTErS iN iNSTant MeSsAgeS? AaRRgHh!� ISn'T tHiS rEAllY aNNoYiNG?� FoR GOd's sAKe, sToP thiS!
2594. To equate feeling uncomfortable in one�s surroundings and being a fish out of water is a vast understatement. If I�m literally a fish out of water, I�m not merely uncomfortable.� I�m asphyxiating and gagging due to lack of usable oxygen. That�s what I�d call a little more than uncomfortable.
2595. You know that Brawny paper towel guy?� Doesn�t he look like a porn star of the �70s?� Maybe it�s just my view�
2596. It must be difficult for a coach to motivate a team of all dumb guys.� If the coach says, �There is no I in team,� one of two things will happen: they will either question the coach, or it will take so long for them to spell �team� and figure it out that they would lose the whole point the coach was trying to make.
2597. Here�s what would make billiards more exciting.� Nest some nitroglycerine in random chalk cubes.� A little friction when the cue is chalked, and boom!
2598. Every driver knows that parallel parking can be a pain.� I offer a solution: oblique parking.� Whatever angle you approach the curb at, leave it parked like that. Who cares if it juts into traffic? Who cares if you�re causing traffic difficulty? It was easier for you, that�s all that matters, right?
2599. It has been said that I often don�t know whether I�m coming or going.� Actually, the more accurate statement is that I am often not sure if I�m coming or going, never mind which one.
2600. I hate it when I go into these mazy multiroom public bathrooms.� I make so many turns among walls and dividers to get to a stall that, when I get out of the stall, I am more than momentarily disoriented as to which way to go to get out of the bathroom.
2601. People ask me why I procrastinate all the time.� I know, I know. I haven�t told them yet. I�ll get to thinking about it, maybe later. Be patient!
2602. Wilt Chamberlain made the famous claim that he had slept with over 20,000 women in his life. I don�t know which is saddest, were this true: that he slept with that many women, that he bragged about it, or that he kept a count of them.
2603. A roomful of parrots and a Michael Jackson CD played at full blast: a combination with a lot of humorous potential.
2604. Fun at a construction site: if you�re at the controls of a crane, wait until someone gets into the portable toilet, lower the arms to the toilet, clamp it, lift it up to maximum height, and swing it around in rapid revolutions.
2605. Let�s get this one thing straight: I do not ever want to hear the phrase �battering ram� and the name �Ron Jeremy� in the same sentence.
2606. When someone says, �I guarantee you�ll like this�, really, what kind of a guarantee is that? Usually, when I think of a guarantee, I think of some sort of compensation if the requirements aren�t met. Is that guy who says that going to give anything to you if you don�t like whatever it is?� I don�t think so�
2607. Monty Python is funny as it is. What would make it even funnier is if it were overdubbed in Swedish with Scandinavian hip hop in the background.
2608. Would it be hypocritical for someone to change their mind about someone else�s being hypocritical?
2609. Sports fans have a lot of superstitions. Now, I think superstitions are stupid in general, but probably the stupidest of all would have to be the rally cap. I mean, first of all, it looks really freaking dumb to wear anything inside out, especially a hat. And second of all, why are they obscuring the emblem of the team?� Doesn�t that defeat the purpose of a sports cap?
2610. You know what can be a real pain in the neck?� A guillotine. (I couldn�t resist!)
2611. I could say something about porno stars on air hockey tables, but I think I�ll refrain� it�s just too easy.
2612. I�ve heard conversations about how people would prefer to die.� �Would you rather die of drowning or by fire?� Come on.� Dying is dying.� The end result is the same, it doesn�t matter.� Besides, you�re gonna be dead afterwards, anyways! What the hell do you care?
2613. I can�t understand the expression �keep an eye out for�.� I don�t see how you can keep one eye on something without keeping the other eye on it too.
2614. It really bothers me when I ask an obviously rhetorical question, but someone still answers it. It�s a damn rhetorical question! It isn�t meant to be answered!
2615. I�m waiting for the show of �Wheel of Fortune� where a contestant says, �I�ll take a P,� and Pat Sajak says, �Well, the bathroom�s over there.�
2616. Airline safety tip #27: if you see your friend Jack on an airplane, do not say �hi� to him.
2617. I don�t know why they show you step-by-step instructions as to what to do in an airplane emergency before the flight.� When a plane�s going down, in a dire situation, you aren�t really going to be thinking clearly enough to remember, never mind to follow, step-by-step instructions.
2618. Little disturbs me more than political correctness.� They�re not a steward or stewardess, they�re a �flight attendant�.� They�re not a waiter or waitress, they�re a �server�. Ugh!� What the hell difference does it make?� If it�s a man, call him a waiter, and if it�s a woman, call her a waitress! Call a man by a man�s title, and likewise a woman!� So what? If you�re so concerned about equality, this still makes no difference then, right?
2619. Toothpaste commercials often refer to �unsightly tartar and plaque�.� Now, I don�t know about you, but I find all tartar and plaque to be �unsightly�. So isn�t this a bit redundant? I don�t think there�s such a thing as �aesthetic tartar�.
2620. You know what I dress up as for every Halloween?� A clothed nudist. I hate Halloween.
2621. It�s funny how they just mold tofu into various shapes, and just call them different types of vegan �meats�. Damn it, it�s just tofu, why do you have to pretend that it�s all different kinds of meat just because the shape looks like it?
2622. Pat Sajak in porno: �Give me an F! Give me an F!� �Oh, yes!� I�ll give you an F!� I�ll give you three F�s!� Spin the wheel!� Spin it, harder!�
2623. Those so-called �date auctions�, they�re the cheapest things.� Basically, it�s renting out fake love for a few hours. It�s meaningless.
2624. Sweet revenge is the day that I see Martha Stewart trying to accessorize a hairnet and drab prison duds working in a jail cafeteria.� That would be a sight.
2625. A common point of advice is that �today is the first day of the rest of your life.� Can I make tomorrow the first day of the rest of my life? Better yet, how about the day after tomorrow? I�m lazy, I�m tired today. I don�t feel like it.
2626. You know you�re in college when, the day you have to do your laundry, you�re wearing a pair of pants with a missing button and shoes without socks.
2627. When you find yourself doing laundry simply because you are really bored, you are officially a college student.
2628. �A quick second�. A second is a second, there�s no �quick second� or �long second�.
2629. You are a certified college student when you write a check to but a bottle of soda and nothing else.
2630. Those people who obsess over how clothes look, I despise their vanity.� As long as the clothes cover me, it doesn�t really make a damn bit of difference to me, it doesn�t matter.
2631. Is it that much more work to write �at� as opposed to �@�?� So why?
2632. Some people go for that �new-car smell�. Me, I�m a certified geek. I�m a sucker for that �new-calculator smell�. Somebody please help me.
2633. Certainly a cause for comic situations: getting people with both double vision and crossed eyes into a room and filming their actions.
2634. What would happen if you mated a walrus with an ant?� What would come out?� Would it be an ant with tusks?� Would it be a walrus with six spindly legs?� Would it be an ant with teeny flippers that can swim?� Would it look like Fabio?� The world may never know�
2635. There should be a World Crumpled Paper Throwing Into Wastebaskets Championships.� Hey, that takes skill!
2636. To paraphrase a quote from �Apocalypse Now�, �I love the smell of unabridged dictionaries in the morning.� I am a helpless geek, please help me.
2637. There is a Guinness Record for the number of cherry stems tied in one hour with the tongue.� Questions are arisen here.� Why would someone devote any time at all to this irregular pastime? Why are there official world competitions devoted to this event?� Who the hell came up with that idea for a Guinness Record anyway? What possible utility could this have? Aarrghh�
2638. People in glass houses hired pretty dumb architects to do the job.
2639. Just to liven the Pope�s Masses a little bit, I think His Holiness should throw in a lively Macarena after Holy Communion.� Now, wouldn�t that be the funniest thing?
2640. Add this to the list of funniest words to say: �coccyx�.� Say it. Relish it.
2641. Aarrghh, this really annoys me. People look at babies and say, �Aww, look� he�s got his mother�s eyes!� He�s got his father�s nose!�� Damn it, shut up!� That�s annoying! He has his own eyes, not his mother�s!� He�s got his own nose, not his father�s!
2642. Enough with Mendelssohn�s �Wedding March�.� Instead, get the bride, groom, and congregation jumping to a peppy, funky organ rendition of �Play That Funky Music�.� It�s a sure crowd-pleaser.
2643. A good way to look awfully stupid in public: realizing that the shirt on underneath your sweatshirt is on backwards, and turning the shirt around, right side front, without taking off your sweatshirt.� They�ll have no idea what the hell your arms are doing jostling around under there.
2644. Damn it, why do people have to say �liven up�?� You can�t liven anything down, can you?
2645. There is a warning on lawn mowers saying not to put your hands or feet near the blade. What kind of idiot needs to be warned not to do that?
2646. One of the most fun words to say of all time: �couscous�.� It�s so fun!
2647. It pains me to see oodles of new Christmas albums coming out every year. �There are only so many different recapitulations of the same noels that I can stand to listen to year after year by different artists!� Do me a favor� stick with the classics.
2648. People specify to �narrow down� as if it were possible to �narrow wider� a choice.
2649. Lifetime is not �television for women�. It�s propaganda. What are they trying to prove? That men are scum.� They do a damn hard job trying, too.� They project a minuscule portion of the male population who are scum onto a near full-scale level, portraying essentially the entire male population as scum.� What they don�t realize is that just as many women are scum as men.� You want equality?� There it is.
2650. As children, we are imparted the virtue of honesty.� We are also imparted the virtue of kindness. �But this makes no sense together.� Being honest does not always mean being kind, and being kind does not always mean being honest.� So it�s hypocritical.
2651. Why do we always assume that last is not least?� Sometimes the name is mentioned last for a reason, you know�
2652. �You have your whole life ahead of you!�� When is that not true?
2653. I can�t help it. I hear people talking on cell phones in public places, and they�re talking four miles a minute complaining to the unfortunate soul on the other end of the line.� Do you know how annoying that is? And my ear cannot help but focus its attention on the damn motormouth, it just can�t help it.� I really hate that.� I really feel like screaming, �Take a deep breath and shut up!�
2654. It gets me how some women complain that guys only want to spend time with �the boys�. When are they complaining?� When they�re with �the girls�, of course.� Hmm� issues of hypocrisy arise here�
2655. Old watchmakers never die; they just stop ticking.
2656. Advice given to me on how to act around girls almost always is to �be yourself�.� No� I can�t do that.� See, I want advice that doesn�t make them feel so uncomfortable that they go away.� I can�t be myself.
2657. South Korean children who play serious games of hide-and-seek are doing some pretty intense Seoul searching. [Yes� it�s a bad one. I know.]
2658. If we tried to eat what actually are �doughnut holes�, we would only be eating air. Shouldn�t they be called something like �doughnut leftovers� or �doughnut spheres� or something like that?
2659. I think the Pope should cut a video of his standing there, arms folded and head tilted, rapping to a cover of a P. Diddy hit.� It�d make millions!
2660. A warning on a candle says, �Do not place candle on furniture.� Dripping wax may stain furniture.�� How about the risk of setting it on fire?� You won�t give a damn about the stain then�
2661. Why do they make more than one �World�s Greatest Dad� coffee mug?� There can�t be more than one greatest dad in the world. Ties?� Come on, ties are lame.� There�s only one winner.� They should keep the one �World�s Greatest Dad� mug in a special place until they find the one who truly deserves it.
2662. You�re sitting at a fish tank, looking at the fish in it, and all of a sudden, one of the fish just sits there, and it starts staring at you.� It doesn�t move for, like, five minutes, either. So now you�re looking back at the fish, seeing how long it takes for it to look away.� You�re in a staring match with a fish.� Wouldn�t you feel just ridiculous?� I sure do.
2663. Some people prefer to curl up with a good book when adverse weather occurs.� But give me a roll of bubble wrap and I will be sufficiently entertained.
2664. I often walk past a lake that is so polluted that part of it does not even freeze when the temperature reaches 15�F. What I�m a little concerned about is the mental and physical states of the geese who spend their days on it. They�ve got to be affected by this�
2665. Caveat emptor: if you are advertised a concert featuring a band called G. Bush and the Cheneyettes, do not bite. It could be ugly.
2666. When life gives you lemons, you do not have to make lemonade.� Some lemons are well too sour to be useful, and they can be discarded.
2667. Contract bridge is an Olympic event. Come on, now. Bridge?� A card game, an Olympic event?� I can only imagine� an Olympic bridge player being suspended due to performance-enhancing drugs. I wouldn�t exactly imagine a gold medal in Olympic contract bridge as being too prestigious or heralded, either. Think there are any spectators at those matches?
2668. Never will I feel more awkward, on no place will I ever feel more uncomfortable, than on the dance floor. How stiff am I? I am so stiff, I look awkward doing the hokey-pokey.
2669. They lie to us in elementary school history and basically tell us that America could do no wrong. Why?� To give us an incorrect idea of patriotism. Once we�re in high school, they figure we�re �mature� enough to be told �what really happened.� Lies and deception about our country�s history meant to manipulate the fickle minds of our young children: ah, now, that�s the American way!
2670. Cause for humorous and confusing situations: walk up to random people you don�t know in public places, and exclaim, �Hey, remember me?� I sat next to you in fourth grade!� My God, it�s been so long!� How are you?� Note how they react. See if they try to play along.
2671. Notice how athletes say, �It�s not about the money, it�s about the love of the game�, even when they�re making a lot of it.� Of course it�s about the money; if it weren�t, they wouldn�t really care enough to have an agent which negotiates their contract for them�
2672. Surely you've heard by now that it takes 17 muscles to smile and 42 muscles to frown. So... what's the point they're trying to make? That you should smile all the time? Well, it's not like you feel that much more work frowning than smiling, anyway.� It's not like you get winded frowning, or something. Besides, aren�t you supposed to frown when you�re sad? It�s not like people never get sad�
2673. Can�t Meat Loaf be a little more concise with his song titles?� There�s �Two Out of Three Ain�t Bad�, �You Took the Words Right Out of My Mouth�, �Paradise By the Dashboard Light�, �Rock & Roll Dreams Come Through�, and the kicker, �Objects In The Rear View Mirror May Appear Closer Than They Are�.� I thought titles were meant to be succinct, not full sentences.� (I know, one of them isn�t a sentence, but you know what I mean.)
2674. There�s this big belief that materialism is a bad thing.� I honestly don�t see why it�s bad.� People equate materialism and greed; there�s where they go wrong. There�s a line between materialism and greed. And if you�ve got the dough, why not use it, anyway?� You can do with it whatever the hell you want, anyway, as long as you don�t get greedy with it and hoard it�
2675. While we�re on the subject, I hear mainstream media denounce materialism all the time. What in the world kind of hypocrisy is this? These are all rich people here! Materialism and wealth go hand in hand!
2676. Qualifier for Idiot of the Millennium: one who has thought that the Queen classic �Bohemian Rhapsody� is called �Bohemian Rap City�.� Seriously, I�ve heard of this phenomenon.� If you�re one of those people, I am automatically qualified right now to make fun of you immediately.
2677. I know� I know. I haven�t had a thought in days. But I would think that finals week is a legitimate reason for it.� When you have to hesitate, at times, before you recall your own name, I�d think it�d be reasonable to conclude that there would be no time for recreational thought.
2678. Pun alert! Pun alert!� Nuns: now there are the ultimate creatures of habit.
2679. The first step of the instructions on most shampoo bottles is to �wet hair�.� How is it possible for your hair not to be wet when you�re in the shower, anyways?� Is that instruction really necessary?
2680. It isn�t �jewlery�. It�s �jewelry.�� Say it correctly!
2681. Can there be such a thing as a �puppy cat�?� How about a �kitten dog�? Of course not. So why do you have to say �puppy dog�? �Puppy� should suffice�
2682. Here�s something I�d watch were it televised: professional dodgeball.� If there isn�t already, there should be a professional dodgeball league.� Dodgeball is such a fun game; it deserves to find its way beyond the playground circuit.
2683. I don�t know why, but right now I�ve got mental imagery of fat, middle-aged white guys in spandex playing polo in dramatic slow motion to the music of �Chariots of Fire�. I don�t know, maybe I�m just strange�
2684. Can a sadomasochistic relationship be politely described as �give and take�?
2685. As sort of a joke, I think that there should be some malls that put up Christmas decorations in, say, mid-June, and play Christmas music over the speakers.� See how people react to it; it should be interesting.
2686. You know those closed-circuit televisions in stores that display what�s going on in certain areas? I find it curiously fascinating how people react when they realize they�re seeing themselves on the monitors. I mean, they stare at it for a few seconds, make funny faces, make random writhing movements of body parts� why are they so fascinated with those things that they have to pose for the security cameras?
2687. You know you are way too caffeinated when it�s 3 AM, you�ve been watching QVC for two and a half hours, and you aren�t even yawning yet.� For God�s sake, cut down.
2688. It really irks me when someone who has been watching a movie on TV leaves the room for, say, at least 20 minutes, and just when I change the channel at that point, they say, �Hey, I was watching that!� Put it back!� and shoot back into the room.� Well, no, you weren�t watching it, you left the room for 20 minutes! What the hell are you complaining about then?
2689. Do you realize how unsanitary supermarkets are?� They�re really effective places to spread colds.� People sneeze and cough into their hands, and then grab the shopping cart handlebar again.� When they�re done, the carts go back into the stack for others to use. Do they sanitize the cart handles? Of course not!� Hmm, I smell Mafia conspiracy�
2690. Sometimes I see the word �dramatization� as a small disclaimer in ads with demonstrations. However, there�s a much more appropriate genre of ads that deserve this label.� They�re political commercials.� I mean, come on.� Is anything real in those things?
2691. I see those mobility scooter for older people commercials, and one thing comes to mind. You know that famous scene from �The Night of the Living Dead�? Well, replace all the zombies with old people in scooters, with menacing looks upon them, fiercely gripping the steering wheels, slowly progressing up the eerie, moonlit street, moving aimlessly and very threateningly.
2692. I once took a little informal survey among teenagers.� Very, very sad results ensued.� I asked them if they knew who Eric Clapton is.� Not one had heard of him.� Zero! Then I asked them if they had heard of Led Zeppelin. Only about a quarter had even heard of them.� I asked those people, then, to name any song Led Zeppelin ever did.� Exactly zero people could do this. Incredible.� Not even �Stairway to Heaven�?!� Come on!� That�s not just ridiculous, it�s abominable!
2693. New Year�s: I really don�t think it�s that big a deal, honestly.� Really, do you feel any different on January 1 as compared to December 31? What changes? The number of the year.� Does that really mean anything?� Not really.� We feel older every year on our birthday, not New Year�s.� Big deal, we get to write a new number on our checks. Well, whoopee.
2694. Rejected game show idea: �Let�s Make a Deal�, hosted by former Enron CEO Kenneth Lay.
2695. Rejected television show idea: �The Fully Clothed, Politically Correct, Censored Porno Hour�.
2696. You know what I�d really love to have happen?� Some hackers hack into Lifetime TV�s website and change it to a porno site. It�d be really damn funny just to see the surprised and fuming faces of those ultrafeminist whiners when they log on to their website and see all that porno on it.
2697. The Hatfield and McCoy families have participated in a notable, historical family feud for a long time. I have a simple and oh so evident solution to the feud: have them duke it out on the game show �Family Feud�. Duh� of course!� That should settle everything, I�m sure.
2698. �Fly through the air�� so, how else can it fly?
2699. St. Petersburg, Florida, is the winner of the Big City With No Life Award.� Why?� It is home to the National Shuffleboard Hall of Fame and the world�s largest shuffleboard court. Need I say more?
2700. You think you�re weird? I eat Bac-O-Bits straight from the jar. Hah� beat that.
2701. There occurs a rather strange phenomenon among people in doctors� and dentists� waiting rooms. No matter how many people are in there, not one of them looks at anybody else.� It�s the ceiling, the paintings, the wall, the floor, out the window, a magazine, but not anyone else.� Hmm�
2702. I love it. �I was listening to a lite music radio station (I was in a dentists� office, mind you, it wasn�t voluntary), and whom do I hear but wannabe punk princess Avril Lavigne.� Ha!� She wants to be punk, but her stuff is being played on lite radio.� Haha, the irony is sweet!
2703. Would a parrot talking alone in an echo chamber develop a stutter?
2704. There�s a bunch of doughnuts in a box, and most of the time, a couple of them will be a bit smushed. Why is it that the deformed doughnuts are the last ones to be eaten?� Apparently, people think that the misshapen doughnuts somehow do not taste as good as the normal doughnuts.� I don�t know why�
2705. People say �quiet down� as if it were also possible to �quiet up�.� �Quiet!� will do.
2706. �Browse around�� as if you could also browse in one place.
2707. Feet and legs getting sore on a long car trip?� I have a solution. Drive on the rumble strip all the way down the highway.� The vibrations, they�re like a soothing foot massager.� The other drivers will think you look damn stupid, but at least you�ll feel better.
2708. Here�s how to get really interesting looks at a zoo.� Just stand in one spot for a couple hours or so, and try to stare down a monkey. Better yet, have someone videotape it. It would make for an entertaining watch, too.
2709. Here we Catholics are, waiting for the Second Coming of Jesus Christ, but we totally missed Him. He was already here, and we missed out. He performs miracles, makes things out of nothing, and travels the world doing good deeds for innocent people. He�s MacGyver!� MacGyver was the second coming of Christ! Come on� how dumb can we be?
2710. Let�s just get this straight here. When you�re at your kid�s athletic event, you should just shut up, watch the game, and applaud when appropriate. Don�t yell at your kid, don�t yell at their teammates, don�t yell at the other team, don�t yell at the coaches, and don�t yell at the refs.� Is that so hard?� Come on, just shut up and watch the damn game!
2711. Would it be inappropriate to call the final practice before the big strip-show a �dress rehearsal�?
2712. You are aware of how they put the betting line on certain games of the day in the sports section. What they should also do is print in the entertainment section the over-under on the lengths of current Hollywood marriages. I think that would have a certain potential.
2713. Now, I don�t know much about movies, nor do I like them very much.� But I do know this much.� There exists at least one redeeming quality about every single movie ever made, except for 7 as of now, no matter how bad it may be: Tom Green does not appear in it.
2714. Airline safety tip #73: if you have a cantankerous kid with an Etch-A-Sketch on an airplane flight, don�t let the kid have it if the pilot announces that there�s going to be turbulence.
2715. I don�t flirt. I can�t flirt.� Why?� Simple. I call it flirting; they�d call it an attack. Hey, you�ve got to consider the other side here.
2716. Do you really think that humans are of the same maturity level?� Of course not.� So why does the law pick these numbers, 18 and 21, out of the air and make them universal standards for stages of adulthood?� There should be some sort of adult test that people have to pass in order to have the privileges of adulthood.� �Cause, let me tell you, there are many 40-year-olds now who wouldn�t pass.
2717. The immense irony of life is so perfectly encapsulated in when you drive out of a car wash, with your pristinely polished vehicle, and go right through a puddle of mud on your way out to the street.
2718. If everyone had to �walk a mile in one�s shoes� before criticizing anyone, we�d all be dozens of miles away from each other, and we�d pretty much be wearing either shoes that don�t fit or shoes of the opposite sex.� Now, what sense does that make?� And is it really worth the foot discomfort not to criticize?
2719. Filming a drunk, accident-prone paranoiac in a hall of mirrors is a sure bet to win the $100,000 grand prize on �America�s Funniest Home Videos�.
2720. Here�s a surefire way to get really weird looks wherever you go.� When you sit down, sit really stiffly.� Rotate your head either from side to side or up and down very mechanically, and make these hydraulic robot movement noises whenever you do it. It�s a nice way to get people annoyed, too.
2721. I think that it should be part of building code that each building be required to have at least one janitor that resembles a 1970s porn star.� That�s pretty much the way it is, anyway�
2722. Why do stores tape those little strips of paper on the front of air conditioners? They�re rather annoying. And as if we didn�t know the air conditioners were working by the cooled air emitting from them�
2723. Murphy�s Law of Paper: any time you get a paper cut on a finger, it will invariably occur on the part of the finger which will be most sensitive to pain for whatever you hold in the hand until the cut heals.
2724. When you�re in line in, say, a crowded supermarket, take out your cellular phone, go into its options, and start scrolling slowly through every ring tone programmed into the cell phone.� See how long it takes for somebody to have the desire to strangle you and destroy your phone.
2725. In almost all of us, no matter what age, there exists this very childlike yet somehow sublime behavior that, whenever we see an icicle, we either must break it, or, if we cannot reach it, fantasize about what would happen were we to break it. Why, I don�t know.
2726. Youngstown State University calls its athletic teams the Penguins.� Now, what the hell would penguins be doing in Ohio? That makes no sense!
2727. Something that would be rather amusing to tune into: the All-People-With-Really-Confused-Looks-On-Their-Faces Porno Channel.
2728. People often stupidly ask, �Why do you need a driver�s license to buy liquor when you can�t drink and drive?� Idiots� damn idiots! Driver�s licenses are just forms of ID! Duh� and you don�t even need a driver�s license, just anything that�s a photo ID!� And what kind of idiot would be drinking a can of beer while driving from the liquor store?
2729. Asymmetrical leg hair patterns. I don�t really know why they occur, in whom they occur, or if they even occur at all.� I don�t even know why I was thinking about asymmetrical leg hair patterns in the first place.� But these are my random thoughts, right? I was thinking about asymmetrical leg patterns; so, I might as well put it in the random thoughts.
2730. Satellite dish companies would do very well in the East Coast sports fan dumb guy demographic on a very strategic ad campaign: tell them that, if they get the dish, they will be able to pick up the games on the West Coast three hours earlier than they�re able to see them now.
2731. Pork: the other white meat. John Wayne Bobbitt: well� you know where I�m going with this one.
2732. Those who refer to sci-fi/fantasy topics solely by their initials, such as LOTR, RPG, MST3K, and the like, most likely need to find more exciting things to do with their lives.
2733. Arguably another one of the funnest words to say in English: leguminous.
2734. You should realize that you have to change your eating habits when every part-time employee, full-time employee, and manager of your local fast food restaurant knows you by name.
2735. Falafel: it�s got chick peas, it�s got spices, it�s a sandwich, it�s good for you, and it�s fun to say �falafel�! Falafel� what more could you possibly want?� Falafel!
2736. Rejected TV show idea: �People With Really Annoying Voices Repeatedly Inhaling Helium Balloons And Harshly Imitating Munchkins�.
2737. It�s safe to say that every NFL team employs tackling dummies to help their defensive players practice. It�s also safe to say that about four fifths of the NFL�s defensive players can themselves be labeled as tackling dummies. A few too many whacks to the head�
2738. If there isn�t already (and I doubt highly that there is), there should be a song, or at least a poem, written about the peculiar feeling you get when there�s a hole in the toe of your sock. A dramatic monologue, perhaps? �O! To be a toe protruding through thy stately sock��
2739. Stepping out for a smoke break with the coworkers, but feeling left out because you�re a nonsmoker? I have a simple solution. Stand on a manhole cover for about 15 minutes and inhale those nice sewer fumes.� It�s a very similar somatic effect.
2740. Ron Jeremy, notorious porno star, was a high-school special education teacher (he has a Master�s degree in it) and a substitute teacher in a high school. Could you imagine?� How interesting must it be to say that Ron Jeremy subbed in your high school class, and not be lying?� That would make an interesting claim: �I knew Ron Jeremy before he� well, you know.�
2741. Wannabe comedians ask why there�s Braille on drive-up ATMs.� It�s quite simple, actually.� People don�t think about things like this hard enough, and they try to be funny. When ATMs are manufactured, some are used for drive-ups, and some are used elsewhere.� There�s no distinction made, they both work the same way. And blind people have to transfer money, too! It�s that easy!
2742. Forget Einstein, forget Goethe, forget G�del.� You know who�s a genius? The one who invented duct tape. Anyone who invents something that fixes virtually anything has to be some kind of genius.
2743. I don�t know about you, but I get this really burdening feeling of guilt when I open a box of cereal for the first time, I go to break that little perforation that you slide the tab into to keep it fresh, and completely rip through the box top. I feel to blame if it goes stale�
2744. Julius Caesar at a Roman discotheque: �Veni, vidi, saltavi optissime!�� (Quasi-) literally translated: �I came, I saw, I danced like a fiend!�
2745. Good way to tick people off at a busy soda machine: carry a roll of nickels.� Break out the roll when you step up to the machine, and put the nickels in, very slowly, one by one.� See how much money you put in before somebody would prefer to skewer you and present you to a remote tribe of Madagascan cannibals.
2746. I see all those advice columns about the signs it�s true love, how to propose to her, and so on, et cetera. Well, well� thanks, but no thanks. I�d kinda like to know how to reach that being able to hold a conversation with a girl for ten minutes stage first, you know? I�d �preciate that�
2747. You know that �invisible fence� technology used to keep pets in properties via electric fields? That would be awfully useful in sports with out-of-bounds lines, like basketball and soccer.� When they go in the game, the players have to put these sensors on their feet, and they�d get the shock when they step out of bounds. It�d make for a lot more interesting game, too.
2748. When most casual art observers gaze upon Michelangelo�s statue of David, their initial reactions are usually very similar.� It isn�t �oh my, what a wonderful work of art�, it�s �oh my God, he�s naked!� Sad, isn�t it?
2749. Here�s something that would make baseball a bit more interesting.� If some lunatic fan runs out on to the field during play, and manages to successfully touch all four bases in order before getting tackled by a security guard, the home team gets a run, and the fan gets a seat in the dugout, an automatic 10-day, salaried contract with the team, and a uniform.
2750. Just once, on that �Trading Places� show, when the two are brought back into their redecorated room, I wanna see them go freakin� nuts and charge across to the decorators to brawl with them.
2751. I never got a chance to practice that old �duck and cover� routine.� It�s unfortunate for me; this would have been very useful whenever a country song comes on.
2752. That guy who does the live play-by-play on C-SPAN�s live House and Senate vote footage could quite possibly be the most boring guy in the country.� He sounds like he�s perpetually on allergy medication.
2753. Patrick Henry on an airplane: �Give me liberty, or give me� extra salty, roasted peanuts.� Okay, maybe that might not have worked.
2754. Venereal diseases: nature�s way of saying, �You damn irresponsible idiot.� No way I�m letting you be a parent.�
2755. Penis rings� why? Just� but� why?� Is that some sort of statement?� What the hell kind of fashion statement is that? �Hey, I�m special, I got three holes in my penis now!�? Just� why?
2756. Not a good infomercial seller: the Do-It-Yourself Handy-Dandy Artistic Brain Surgery Kit.
2757. It�s not �laxadaisical�, it�s �lackadaisical�.� Say it right, damn it!
2758. I see life like this: you cannot find your hat, you look for hours on end for it, until you incidentally walk past a mirror and notice that you�ve been wearing the very hat you were searching for all the time you�d been looking for it.
2759. If I were mayor of a town, I would consider legislation that would transform a public transit system entirely into thousands of strategically networked heavyset, burly guys giving piggyback rides.� Wouldn�t that be interesting?
2760. �It�s not whether you win or lose, it�s how you play the game.�� Whoever originated that idea ought to have been shot on site. Come on.� How far can you get in life always accepting defeat? How could you have �played the game� well enough, how could you be satisfied with �how you played�, if you lost at it? As Shakespeare, who wasn�t shot, put it, �all�s well that ends well�.� The converse is also true�
2761. Okay, let�s get this one thing clear.� February 14 is not Valentine�s Day.� It�s Single People Really Suck Day.� Everyone knows on this day who�s single, because they�re the ones moping around while everyone else doesn�t give a damn about them, whether they mean it or not.
2762. Whenever there�s a snowstorm, invariably, every newscast will show a video either of some guy shoveling out his driveway or sidewalk, or some snowplow coasting down the street, blade scraping against the snow-laden asphalt.� Why?� Don�t we know that people are shoveling and plows are plowing anyways, seeing as how there�s just been a lot of snow?� Is this really news to us?
2763. I see it as some sort of grand irony when there are arrests for disorderly conduct and rioting at antiwar protests.� Kinda defeats the whole purpose there, huh?
2764. When there�s someone snobbish who thinks they know everything, who thinks they�re always right, no one really likes him, right?� So is there really any wonder why the world just hates the United States?
2765. People� is it that hard not to make that groaning noise when you let out a yawn?� Then stop it!� Really, it�s annoying!
2766. Americans have to get this one thing straight.� Just because the public decides one way, that doesn�t mean that�s what the President has to do. �A president is not elected to do what the majority of people wants him to do.� A president is elected to make appropriate decisions for the betterment of the country.� He should not be expected to cave to whatever they want.� The public is hardly ever right, anyways!
2767. A Broadway stage, nudity, colored strobe lighting, the �Chariots of Fire� theme, senior members of the United States Senate, and several strategically-placed attach� cases. Add those up to get a dance spectacle no one will ever forget.� Well, actually, no one will forget it mainly because the images will be seared permanently onto their retinae.� Oh� did I mention 3-D glasses, too?
2768. The IRS is like a crick in your neck. No matter how, or how often, you turn your head, or writhe your neck, or try to ignore it, it�s still just a pain in the neck that you can�t get rid of, no matter what you do.
2769. An interesting double entendre occurs in some mail delivery company help-wanted ads. I think twice when I see job openings for �package handlers�. Isn�t that illegal in 49 states? And is that really worth only minimum wage? Not something I�d do!
2770. I won�t say what I really think of Vince McMahon, but here�s a clue: a giraffe has a better grasp of reality and social customs than he does.
2771. One thing I�m really disappointed about with poetry: every poet seems to have skipped out on the extremely poetic topic of the perfect vertical axial symmetry and graceful rotational movement of the office swivel chair.� Frankly, I�m appalled.
2772. Why do hosts even bother to say, �We�ve got a great show for you�?� What, would they say it if they thought the show would suck?
2773. I swear, if I just once more see some produce department or restaurant use �lettuce� as a pun of �let us�, I will strangle the nearest non-familial person in sight. It was a tired pun the second time I saw it, and it still is a tired pun the forty-thousandth time I see it, too!
2774. Good way to visually represent the chaotic nature of gas molecules: 500 clumsy fat guys with ice skates on a standard ice hockey rink.� Throw in Waldteufel�s �Skater�s Waltz� and you�ve got a sensory experience you�ll never forget.
2775. I want to be remembered for my quirkiness.� So, I want my funeral to be held inside a hall of mirrors at a carnival.
2776. We all remember the whole Bill Clinton presidential debacle.� We all complained how Ken Starr couldn�t keep his mouth shut, how Linda Tripp couldn�t keep her mouth shut, how Bill himself couldn�t, either. But we cannot forget the pith of the matter, here: if a certain intern had kept her mouth shut, none of that controversy would ever have happened.
2777. �American Pie: The 50-Year Class Reunion�: it�d be much of the same, but for one exception. They�d not be eating solid foods anymore. Oh well, too bad.� My opinion, replacing the pie with a glass of cherry juice just doesn�t have the same effect as the original.
2778. It is said that the average human uses 10% of his brain capacity over a lifetime. That said, through my life, about 9.8% of my brain capacity will be wasted with absolutely useless knowledge.� That is my life in a nutshell.
2779. In some coffee shops reads a sign that says something on the order of, �We will toast your bagel at no extra charge.�� Now, given the obvious sexual innuendo that this sign presents, shouldn�t it seem like this should cost at least something?
2780. Do not read this thought at all. I urge you, if you are reading this, please don�t.� It was a waste of my time writing this, and it will be a waste of yours, too. If you still haven�t given up reading this thought, please, do so now, I strongly recommend it.� If you are even now reading these words, honestly, I hope you�re fulfilled. You have just wasted thirty more precious seconds of your life doing something utterly useless.
2781. People are often urged to �bring their lives into focus�.� I don�t really see the positive in this.� The way I look at it, life becomes all the more fun, all the more interesting, when your view of the future is blurry.
2782. I�m picturing Snoop Dogg doing a live concert in a senior center.� I�m also picturing the seniors in the audience turning down their hearing aids all at once.� Additionally, I�m picturing the crowd raising the roof or, as the situation may be, raising the walker. I can honestly say that this is a new and very interesting sensory experience for me.
2783. Life is like the FOX network at prime time.� It just really sucks. Honestly� need I say more?
2784. I had an earlier thought (#1709) saying that Americans� unculture isn�t really that bad. But I do admit this.� It is pretty sad that the scope of �foreign cultural awareness� in America is that we use the metric system for gun bores, nail heads, and soda bottles.� Come on, we can do better than that!
2785. I�m picturing fluorescent yellow frogs croaking the �Happy Days� theme right now. Hey, it�s 4 AM.� Don�t expect anything witty.
2786. I�m starting to think my brain has a wry, cruel sense of humor toward me.� I often dream that I have woken up, and it is two hours later than it actually is.� For someone who doesn�t get enough sleep as it is, this pretty much falls under the nightmare category for me.
2787. Here�s some sound advice. If you�re starting to get into an argument that you know you won�t ever win, do not say anything at all. The more you talk, the more a fool you�ll appear to be. If you shut up, you lose, but you still save face.
2788. �Expect the unexpected�. Wait a minute.� If you�re expecting it, doesn�t that remove it from the realm of being unexpected?� Or if it�s unexpected, how do you expect to know what to expect?� Agh, I�m confused�
2789. This is one of those sensory experiences that will make you shake your head and say, �Only in New York City.� At 12:30 in the afternoon, on a traffic-laden Manhattan street, what do I see and hear but a big yellow school bus speeding down the street, weaving in and out of cars, and squealing its tires. Oh, that would�ve made me feel secure as a Manhattan schoolgoer!
2790. Never a documentary, I hope: �Magically Delicious: The Lucky Charms Leprechaun�s Journey From Porn Star to Advertising Icon�.
2791. The ultimate whine: �Why couldn�t you be more (fill in adjective) like (fill in name of acquaintance)?� Oh, that is so not cool. Don�t ever say that to anyone.
2792. It has been estimated that some 55% of what we communicate with others is nonverbal. So if you tell someone who�s really annoying you to shut up, that unfortunately isn�t doing very much.� He�s still conveying 55% of his annoyingness to you. And good luck getting that part to stop.
2793. I see we�ve taken to calling French fries �freedom fries� out of patriotism.� Hey, why stop there?� We don�t walk our German shepherds anymore; we hold �freedom shepherds� on our leashes!� Females don�t wear French braids; they proudly sport �freedom braids�! We no longer can order a Danish at a coffee shop; instead, we can enjoy the fresh, American tastiness of a �freedom pastry�! It�s for the good of our country, come on! God bless America!
2794. I�ll bet that on every plane trip, there�s been at least one person who wished they could roll down that window and fire out a spitball from 35,000 feet.� Come on, admit it.� You know you wish you could.
2795. As a rule, country artists should not try to cover rock tunes and throw a country twang into them. It never works. It just sounds horribly out of place.
2796. In airline preflight safety videos, it never ceases to amuse me when they show the guy blowing up the life vest with his own lungs.� It just looks so ridiculously amusing.
2797. There is no smell that is as thought-inspiring and, at the same time, as oddly nostalgic to my olfactory nerves than the fragrance of burnt cheese.� I couldn�t tell you why; it�s just something about burnt cheese.
2798. When out for fine dining, one must acquire the art of proper manners, the art of drinking wine, the art of intelligent conversation.� But, especially if you are a selective eater, as I am, one art stands above the rest: the art of making it look like you�ve eaten more than you actually have by strategically arranging your food on the plate.� This can save you many awkward situations.
2799. I see those advertisements on TV for those tutorials on CD of Windows and of various other programs. One thing though. What if you don�t know how to put the CD in the computer in the first place?
2800. True friends would never stab you in the back.� If they were truly friends, they�d make it quick and painless so it wouldn�t hurt you at all.
2801. Believe it or not, Britney Spears is her real, given name.� Wow, what a concept� she actually has something she was born with.
2802. PETA, and all those other animal-rights associations, complain about how humans kill animals for food so inhumanely, how they suffer.� But tell me how that predators do it in the wild, viciously and with their own jaws and claws, don�t make the prey suffer twice as much, at least.� Believe me, humans know how to do it much more smoothly than that. Perhaps PETA activists should take to the forests now�
2803. Here�s a nice way for people to avoid the hassle of brewing a pot of coffee in the morning, or making a cup of tea. How about just injecting the city water supply with caffeine?� It�d be an added bonus to observe the dramatic increase of energy in society.
2804. If any of you reading this has a last name of Rasmussen, congratulations.� You have the coolest last name ever.� You are hereby entitled to repeatedly say your name in a funny accent over and over, and be sufficiently amused by it.
2805. On many water fountains, there is a button on the front saying PUSH.� Below the word is the Braille for that word. But if a blind person is reading what the Braille says, wouldn�t they be doing what the button says anyway, pushing? So what�s the point of Braille on a button like that?
2806. There seems to be this disturbing trend among the younger generations that there�s some sort of competition to see who can get addicted to caffeine the most.� This may not be too evident a trend, but it�s a really dangerous one. These generations could very well produce an even more disturbing trend of having a lot of too-young heart attacks. But it is sort of amusing to observe this contest.
2807. I like to walk around with sunglasses on while I�m indoors, when it�s raining or overcast, or at night, and just observe how people look at and react to me. It�s a fun social experiment.� (You may have noticed by now that I don�t care how weird I look�)
2808. This world has descended to a new low. The pronunciation �nucular� has been deemed acceptable by several authoritative dictionaries.
2809. People often proclaim that they wouldn�t do some petty thing �even if my life depended on it�. Now, I know that would never really happen, but, let�s think about this. If you had a gun to your head and someone forced you to do whatever it is, else they kill you, you would do it. Let�s be honest, really! If someone were really willing to martyr themselves over being staid against some petty action, their priorities are twisted.
2810. One thing about those advertisements for supplements that provide �natural male enhancement�. They would be a lot more effective (and jaw-droppingly repulsive, if you ask me) if they showed the split-screen �before� and �after� comparison.� Throw in the cheesy synthesized infomercial music and that overstylized voice-over voice (�It really works!�) and you�ve got yourself one memorable ad.
2811. How many licks does it take to reach the center of a Tootsie pop?� Number one� who cares?� Number two� who cares?� Number three� who�d be bored enough to find out? And number four� who cares?� Catch my drift?
2812. Love doesn�t make the world go round; stupidity does.� Sure, love is good, but without stupidity, whom would we make fun of? Comedy would be almost nonexistent! How can we exist without having people dumb as bricks to mock?
2813. Pedestrians have the right of way over vehicles; I say we exploit that right.� I�d like to see them start doing gymnastics routines across the roads. Hey, they have the priority of space; they should make of it what they want.
2814. Otis Redding�s hit �(Sittin� On) the Dock of the Bay� was a classic song.� Too bad, he probably never got to hear it on the radio. He passed on in a plane crash three days after he recorded it.� Next time you hear that song, think about how cruelly ironic the timing of destiny can get.
2815. Unquestionably, the most discomforting aspect of anyone�s teenage years must be their high school health class. Oh, there�s nothing quite like that idea of a teacher you hardly, if at all, know telling you, or presenting you a video on, how to examine your private areas.� Now, I�m not denouncing our being taught this; it has certainly saved many lives.� But shouldn�t someone more appropriate, say, a doctor, be telling you about that?
2816. On the subject of that last thought, I�d like to really thank (or not!) my health class in high school. Thanks to that video, a close-up image of a sizeable penis has been repulsively etched on my retina. I mean, really.� Come on now.� Do we really need the wide-angle zoom lens shot here?� There are limits of propriety there�
2817. God help the worker in the nudist colony remodeling project who�s on the business end of a mishandled belt sander. Now there�s a friction burn I would really not appreciate.
2818. On the topic of friction burns, I present the image of a nudist-colony rope-climbing competition. I will offer no further comment; you know exactly where I�m going with this.
2819. To LSD takers of the �60s and �70s, could music have been considered a visual art?
2820. Someday, I�d like to take a picture of the guy who cleans out the �nostrils� of the Mount Rushmore presidents. Personally, it would be an interesting historical perspective, as I never got to actually see George Washington pick his own nose.� Oh, to have lived at that time�
2821. In the age of technology, it�s easy to imagine how God can keep track of what everyone�s doing. Number one, He probably has an IM screen name, like DJGodFunky1, and keeps reading everyone�s away messages. Number two, He�s got microcameras installed in strategic places all over the world.� With more and more people doing more and more things, He has to do something to keep up.
2822. Since this is on search engines, and since I want to get more hits, I�m going to do a little experiment. I�m putting the terms �Britney Spears� and �porn� in close proximity to each other, and seeing how many hits I get. I know� it�s terrible, isn�t it? Sad�
2823. There is a way to make phone sex much cheaper and easier for some people, using a cellular phone. They just have to set it on �vibrate�, wait for someone to call them, and� well, for the sake of decency, let�s just say that the term �phone sex� becomes a bit more literal here.
2824. If you�re coming to this site looking for porn, this is the place to be.� Oh, there are no actual pictures here.� But the word �porn� or �porno� appears, not including this thought, 44 times in 42 thoughts on the big list, to this point. So you can satisfy your curiosity here!
2825. One thing I�ve found particularly strange about MacGyver.� He overtly rails against violence on the show, but seems to have no misgivings about punching people out on almost every episode.� Odd�
2826. I�ve seen some people eating Skittles who only eat one Skittle at a time.� If you ask me, that�s an absolute sin.� Come on, now.� The whole point of Skittles is the soft chewiness, and that �rainbow� of flavors! The only way to experience the true effect of a bag of Skittles is to take several different flavors, and shove �em in your mouth all at once.� You should know better� Skittles aren�t a one-at-a-time candy! Sheesh�
2827. People say they�re in a �tight jam� as if it were possible for jams to be loose.
2828. When someone tells me there�s a hole in the crotch of my pants, one question immediately comes to mind. What the hell were they doing looking there?
2829. How else can something be �torn� but to be �torn apart�?� So why not just �torn�?
2830. What does a superficial football player look for in a female?� Of course, one with a �tight end� and a �wide receiver�.
2831. Most of you took a foreign language in school.� Sure, you wanted to feel more �cultured�, but be honest.� What you really wanted to do was to be able to curse at and insult people without their knowing it.� Come on, admit it�
2832. I�ve seen Richard Dean Anderson act in other shows and movies besides as MacGyver. But no matter how hard I try, I cannot help but think that it�s MacGyver in those other shows.� The guy will always be MacGyver, no matter what he does. He could have his own cute little half-hour sitcom, and I�d still be expecting him to defuse bombs and get into impenetrable buildings using only a paper clip, a nickel, and some pocket lint.
2833. On the subject of that last thought, MacGyver� umm, Richard Dean Anderson played Dr. Jeff Webber on the soap opera �General Hospital� for six seasons in the late �70s and early �80s. He also appeared in one episode of �The Facts of Life� in 1981.� This is so incomprehensible to me that I would have to see it to believe it.� MacGyver� and Tootie?
2834. Of Canadian money, why does the US circulate only quarters?� No pennies, no nickels, no dimes, no dollars. Just Canadian quarters.� Why?� Why can we even use Canadian money at all?
2835. When athletes say that they want to �elevate their game to the next level�, I am comforted by that statement. I am glad that they are not spending their careers trying to elevate their game to the same level.
2836. Life is like this. You�re in a small room, having been annoyed for a long time by a pestering little insect.� All of a sudden, you notice that the insect hasn�t been bothering you for a while.� You then start to take tremendous self-satisfaction in taking care of that bothersome little pest, but, at that very moment, you feel something go down your throat, and spend the next 45 minutes in a coughing fit trying to regurgitate the damn little bugger.
2837. Airline safety tip #473: do not talk about the movie �Waterworld� on a plane ride. Why?� Inevitably, the word �bomb� will slip out, and you�ll be in big trouble.
2838. I must put in my two cents on a hotly contested issue. If you�re doing a crossword puzzle, you gotta do it in ink.� I mean, come on. Why do people do them in pencil? So they can erase their mistakes. So they can cover their tracks. Hey, I�m Mister Perfect! I can make it look like I made no mistakes at all, I�m so smart!� You have to have confidence, you have to have conviction!� If you err, show it!� Admit you�re imperfect!
2839. Life is like a box of chocolates. You enjoy it, get fat, and it�s finished.
2840. I am thinking this thought at 1:30 AM, on May 10, 2003, and I am hereby proud (yes, proud) to report that I have finally reached the apex of geekiness. I am flipping through a crossword puzzle dictionary, and reading random pages for fun.� And yes, folks, the view is breathtaking, indeed� from the top of Geek Mountain!
2841. Many songs have been written about classic cars like the Cadillac, GTO, Thunderbird, and Chevy, among others. But one car that has been painfully underrepresented, and should be immortalized (or entombed, whichever) in song is the early 1990s Honda Civic.� I challenge any one of you expert lyricists to come up with a serious tribute to a 1992 Civic CX.� I don�t think it can be done.
2842. I�m amazed that no sports teams have been nicknamed the Fighting Histamine Blockers. It�d be fun� and what group of athletes wouldn�t be intimidated out of their wits by a team whose mascot is a giant sparring Claritin pill?� Well� maybe I�m not that amazed�
2843. This would be a good experiment to see how sex-hungry and gullible America is.� When they click on an aptly-titled link to what they think will be a porno site, see how quickly they leave the site after they see the pictures loading of abnormally giant roosters.
2844. You got the commandment �thou shalt not covet thy neighbor�s wife.�� And then there�s Eric Clapton.� Sheesh, how about �thou shalt not write an entire album obsessing over how thou cannot get to thy neighbor�s wife and thenceforth proceed to steal thy neighbor�s wife�?� And what�s more amazing, George Harrison didn�t mind�
2845. What would make political debates a lot more interesting is if all debaters were given some sort of hookup, and the moderators had a �promise button� and could zap any debater who made any sort of slick promise.� It�d be so much better; you could just cut through the sweet talk and get straight to the pith of the candidates.
2846. If Gilligan was so dumb, clumsy, and inept, then why did they name the whole damn �island� after him? Maybe it�s some sort of grand irony�
2847. Healthy hint� if you�ve really gotta go bad, and you go into one of those diners where you have to be a customer to use the bathroom, for God�s sake, don�t order a lemonade.
2848. New York Yankees fans from the City have got to be the rudest, most obnoxious people I�ve ever run into. Here�s a �for instance�. One day, I went with a church group to a Red Sox-Yankees game in the Bronx, and I was all decked out in BoSox attire � cap, shirt, the whole nine.� I couldn�t even count how many times I was sworn at, flicked off, and met with �Red Sox suck� chants. You�d think they�d have more class than to do those things to a nine-year-old kid, you know?
2849. Doctors get paid a good amount for doing it right the first time. Hollywood actors get paid dozens of times as much money for not getting it right until the 25th or 30th take.� I sense a gross discontinuity in priority here.
2850. There�s something more than a little unnerving about seeing Larry King with that incredibly large, phallic microphone just a bit too close to his face than I�d like to imagine. It just doesn�t look right�
2851. In the football stadium of life, some are playing in the game, some are on the sidelines, just on the verge of getting in the game, and some have front-row seats. I�m the one way up in the nosebleed seats, squinting through the binos trying to just catch a glimpse of what the hell is going on down there.
2852. You know those commercials where some cheesy hired vocal group sings some hokey ad pitch set to the tune of a popular (usually old) song?� Please� please don�t do it!� Make up your own damn melody� really, don�t sully the good ones.
2853. What�s that screeching I hear in the background?� Wailing baby? Faulty brakes? Metal grinding on metal?� No� oh, no! �It�s Mariah Carey singing!� Ahh! Make it stop!
2854. I could not imagine how difficult life must have been for the early foraging and hunting Native Americans in North America.� I certainly wouldn�t have made it too far.� I mean, how do you expect to get your sports scores and updates, living that kind of life? I�d�ve gone nuts after two days!
2855. Many people doubt this ability in me, but I can be a laconic person.� If you don�t know what that means, �laconic� means using as few words as possible.� In other words, I can explain many things and be as little long-winded as possible while talking about them. I can be brief and to the point without speaking about certain things in a manner that seems too long to whomever may be listening to me talk.� I am very laconic.
2856. Scenic overlooks and backdrops are popular places for people to pose to be photographed. I wonder how those people posing would react if I came up to them and took their picture with my camera.
2857. All those people who complain that they can never keep the weight off after a diet, they�re unbelievable. If they would only get off their lazy duffs and exercise (apparently a foreign concept to those people), maybe they�d actually keep the weight off!
2858. Helpful, healthy hint: when testing Scotchgard on a �hidden place� before use, your armpit does not qualify as a �hidden place�.
2859. A public service reminder: do not eat Mexican food less than 8 hours before you get on an airplane. That air gets recycled, you know.
2860. I wonder if any of those statuesque British guards would move if you walked up behind them and goosed them. If that won�t work, nothing (legal) will. Maybe they�re ticklish somewhere�
2861. Personally, I think we�re spending way too much time teaching and preaching tolerance of people of different races, religions, and so forth.� We�re missing out on the real point here.� We should just teach tolerance of people, period. That�s hard enough as it is!
2862. On an average day in Manhattan, any one person will, studies show, hear Frank Sinatra�s �New York, New York� 54,287 times.� No, not really, of course not.� But it sure as all hell seems like it.� Honestly� stop, it�s a really annoying song, especially when you hear it that often! I know what damn town I�m in!
2863. Try something different this next Christmas season, if you are so inclined to celebrate it. Serve a young child venison for holiday dinner. If they ask you what venison is, tell them. See if they get it.
2864. I may not have had what it takes to be an Old West gunslinger, but I sure as hell feel like one whenever I�m holding a spray bottle of weed killer in my confident grasp. With my index finger on that atomizing trigger, I walk with the swagger of John Wayne, looking for those dastardly sprouts. �Come out an� get me, ya dirty rat!� Pfft!� �See you later, pilgrim��
2865. Go into a bank with a $100 bill. Ask for change, but request it in 10,000 pennies.� See if they grant your request.� See if they even have 10,000 pennies.� Try to keep a straight face.
2866. I love it when there�s this macho-acting guy, and he takes his girlfriend/fianc�e/wife, who�s never golfed before, to the driving range.� He�s standing behind the gal, telling her what she�s doing wrong and all, taking her arms in his and sweeping the path of the club, and so forth.� Then he steps up to the tee, driver in hand, swings away� and proceeds to top it 50 yards.
2867. I must say� is there a more fun word to say in the English language than �gobbledygook�? No explanation needed!
2868. A person is like a showy flower. You sit out there for all to see, then someone special finally picks you; then, you begin to sag and wither until you become utterly useless.
2869. Wouldn�t it be rather funny if, in an earlier round of the National Spelling Bee, some kid were given the word �penishead�?
2870. If you�ve got a bloody nose, trust me, the worst way to find out that you have it is to sneeze. I know� I�ve experienced it. In a crowd of people.� In good clothes.� In the farthest possible point from a bathroom.� Yeah� I�m pretty much a lab rat for Murphy�s Law there.
2871. Interesting how they call certain modern hip-hop �R&B�, though none of it is really based on real blues, and its artists have hardly any rhythm.� True rhythm and blues isn�t about ho�s�
2872. Well� it took me this long, but I finally did it.� I finally caved in to the immense pressure of hip-hop on the social order, and used the word �ho�s� in a Thought.� Well, slap me silly and call me Eminem.
2873. Black & Decker� forget power tools, doesn�t that sound like a porn production company? (I would say �producing firm�, but that would be too much of a double entendre�)
2874. There is a National Beer Pong League. It has a website. The site links to video highlights of beer pong tournaments.� It even provides seventy variations on beer pong.� Seventy!� This world has descended to an all-time low�
2875. If a call girl couldn�t get to the phone in time and missed a call from a potential customer, would it be too hideously inappropriate for her to pick up the phone and star-six-nine him?
2876. I hate it when someone asks you to get something for them, then you get to where you�re supposed to get it, and, all of a sudden, you forget what you were supposed to get. I call it �retrieval amnesia�. It�s awful; you feel like you�re going senile.
2877. I�ve heard of this practice of searching for your own name on a search engine to see what other people are saying about you.� It�s weird, it�s actually turned �Google� into a verb.� �Googling yourself�� funny, I thought that would be something more apt for Ron Jeremy to do on film�
2878. Personally, I think Frankenstein�s monster never really got a fair chance to show its sensitive, emotional side. If Dr. Frankenstein had given the monster, say, a cat, maybe it�d�ve had the chance.� �Mmm� kit-ty cat� he good kitty, pret-ty cat� me love cat��
2879. Barbra Streisand�s music is sinister. It�s awfully evil. When you hear her version of �Memory�, the hit from Cats, you find yourself really struggling to fight the urge to actually like her music.� Evil.
2880. I know the one big secret to stopping smoking.� It�s actually pretty easy to do, and highly effective.� Guaranteed, you�ll have no habit whatsoever. See, all you have to do is� not start in the first place!� Wow! What a concept�
2881. Under oath, in a court of law, Philip Morris reps stated that tobacco is not deleterious to long-term health. You know what? We should just sue them again, this time for being really, really stupid.
2882. I wonder� if 5,000 longtime smokers gathered within the Capitol and simultaneously hacked their lungs out, would that change the legislators� minds about accepting big monies from tobacco lobbyists?� Would it make them reconsider the legality of nicotine and tobacco? Being that they�re politicians, the answer�s likely no, but it�s worth a shot, anyways.
2883. Plastic surgeons should have a sense of humor in their ads.� In one ad, they should write the caption �Look what we did!�, and have a split �before and after� picture; on the �before� side, a spider monkey, and on the �after�, a similarly-smiling Britney Spears.� Ehh� close enough.
2884. The harrowing autobiography of a man�s attempted self-purgation gone horribly wrong, and the terrifying months-long ordeal that followed: �My Own Worst Enema�.
2885. That last Thought was the first time in all of the Thoughts that I�ve used an �enema�. And boy, am I relieved!
2886. All right, all right� I�m done. I promise. No more �enema� cracks.� (Okay� now I�m done� I swear�)
2887. Co-winners of the All-Presidential May-Have-Been-A-Porn-Star Name Contest: John Tyler and John Kennedy.
2888. I don�t know about hockey. There�s something rather suspect about a sport that lets its players just push people out of the way to get to what they want.
2889. When Pee Wee Herman was caught in the X-rated theater doing� well, you know�, did anybody find any, ahem, evidence corroborating his nickname?
2890. �Riverdance� sounds like a fun program to see, but I�d suggest a variation on the show.� How about an all-monkey production?� I don�t know, there�s just something about the sight of 100 monkeys doing an Irish gigue that would really pique my interest.
2891. Whenever you find yourself traveling in an unfamiliar place, be sure to remember that old vacationer�s adage: �When in Rome� don�t feed the pigeons Viagra.�� Well� something like that�
2892. If you really wanna disable a guy, you don�t need to kneecap him with a crowbar, you don�t need to shoot him in the legs, you don�t need to run him over on your motorcycle. Just invite him over to your place, and, about five or six hours before he gets there, mix in a couple Viagra tablets in your dog�s food dish.� Safe to say, the guy�s legs�ll be sufficiently affected after the dog�s done with him.
2893. All this �purpose of life� stuff, I�m tired of hearing people talk about it.� You know, if there is one, and if they do find out what it is, I really hope that it�s something like �to embark on the ever-living quest to determine the world�s tastiest cheese�.� It�ll be all that pondering, and all that searching, and all they�d come up with is the puny little cheese thing.� The irony would be classic.
2894. I see waiters and waitresses walking around with those trays balanced on their heads. Hah!� Please� I will not be impressed until I see them doing that bouncing on Pogo sticks.
2895. Besides getting awful reviews, did you notice how awful the title of the Demi More flick �G.I. Jane� was? Sure, it�s a play on the toy, G.I. Joe. But G.I. Joe was an Army guy� and Demi Moore�s character is training for the Navy SEALs!
2896. You know those clowns adept at blowing up balloon animals?� I wonder what those balloon animals would look like if a porn production company put on a circus�
2897. If you think those balloon animals are strange at that circus, just wait till you see how those guys swing on the flying trapezes.
2898. I guarantee you� one demonstration of how they make the cotton candy at the porn circus, you�ll never even want to look at the stuff again, never mind eat it.
2899. Well, in that old porn circus, you might also enjoy the Lion tamer.� Oh, there�s no actual lion.� Actually, it�s a guy named �Lion� who�s being �tamed�. Well, only if you�re into that sort of stuff�
2900. Apparently, it�s a �sin� to wear white after Labor Day.� If that be so, well, evidently, I�m going to Hell.� Really.� Come on, now. If you believe in such things, don�t you think that God has some more important fish to fry than to splotch black marks on people�s souls for some dumb little fashion �faux pas�? Ridiculous�
2901. I see all those people who think they�re �fashion rebels�, wearing the outrageous styles of clothing. Come on, they�re not really rebels. The only way to truly �rebel� against fashion is to be a nudist.� No clothes equals no fashion at all.
2902. You ever notice that on �Family Feud�, no matter how bad an answer someone gives, the family still always applauds? When the answer is horrible, there�s this uncertain pause, and then they start shouting and clapping. I mean, I know they�re really supposed to support everyone, but come on.� If you�re asked to name an item in your bathroom, and you say �a computer�, do you really deserve people clapping and shouting and whooping for your answer?
2903. Sometimes I just shake my head when I hear those ads for online matchmaker services.� I listen to those testimonials, that all these people met their future spouses on whatever site.� But I�d hazard a guess that those testimonials are about one in 500 to 1,000.� I�d bet that couples from those sites work out not nearly as often as those ads would like to make you think they do.
2904. You ever seen that old game show �Card Sharks�, with those cool, three-foot-square playing cards? Wouldn�t it be so cool to own a deck of those humongous cards?� Sure, there�d be a little trouble shuffling, but� they�re really big cards! Tell me that wouldn�t be cool�
2905. We all know what the cost of the �shipping� in �shipping and handling� covers, but I have finally figured out what we pay for with �handling�.� With handling, well, the deliverers have to release that tension some time, and, well, hookers don�t work for free�
2906. �Scan� means �read over very hastily�. �Scan� also means �read over very carefully�.� Go figure�
2907. I know people say not to say �never�, but I can say this with supreme confidence. I will never get into contemporary pop music. Ever.� I tried to get into it once, for a couple months, but that was a mistake. Modern music is dead. The music industry exercised the DNR clause on its will the minute Celine Dion hit the airwaves.
2908. �Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets�� I don�t know, doesn�t that sound more like a porno movie title than a children�s fantasy book to you?
2909. As of this thought, there are about 350 sheep for every person in the Falkland Islands. A word of warning: this is not to be confused with the 350:1 sheep-to-person ratio in the United States Government.
2910. Now, God� I�m not complaining about the whole making the human body thing, but I do have one bone to pick with you. Come on� back hair?�� Why back hair? I mean, I know you�re this Almighty, all-knowing, all-everything Guy, but, geez, God, did you really need to throw the back hair on us mortals?� Like a PT Cruiser, it�s ugly and useless.
2911. �Star Search�: a pivotal show for showcasing and developing early talent.� But, come on, now.� How could you let Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake on there?� Where�s the talent there?
2912. Oh, please, God help us if Playgirl Magazine comes out with a pop-up issue.
2913. I think the whole concept of a bachelor(ette) party is misguided and reprehensible. First of all, about that �last night of freedom� thing, it�s not the night before their marriage; it�s the night before they started going together in the first place.� And second, oh, there�s nothing like waking up on their wedding day with a hangover and visions of virtually or wholly naked people they don�t know dancing in their heads.
2914. A healthy hint: if your surgeon asks for �that tiny cutter thingy� when he�s looking for the scalpel, then would be a good time to emit muffled screams of dire panic.
2915. Male snakes and iguanas have two penises.� There�s no reason for the extra penis; it�s just there.� See, that would be kind of interesting� a spare penis, just in case. Penis insurance. Just in case one penis doesn�t work, or one penis gets cut off in a knife mishap� there�s another penis, right there! Would Prudential cover penis insurance? Can I say the word �penis� any more often in this penis thought?� Penis penis penis penis penis�
2916. There are so many songs with the theme that the more money you make, the more trouble you�re apt to get into. Why are recording artists recording these songs?� Ironically, to make money!
2917. Britney Spears: you have no idea what you did to the youth of America with your so-called music. You have indelibly corrupted their minds for musicality and have syringed this non-substantial residuum of pop trash into their brainwashed psyches.� I urge you, please, don�t record another album.� Ever.� Never. Please, Britney� if you�ve got any modicum of mercy in you� do it for the children�
2918. A parting shot on the Britney debacle.� Any track whose keyboard line can be played by a three-year-old with only his pinkie finger is not worth listening to.
2919. Have you ever tried to follow one blade of a rapidly rotating ceiling fan, like I have? If you have, you know all you need to know about my personality.
2920. I�m tired of all those damn hair re-growth commercials.� You know, people shouldn�t complain that they have no hair.� They should look on the bright side.� They should rejoice that they�re able to fry an ant with a simple tilt of the head, or blind a mugger on a sunny day at the right head angle.
2921. PC talk strikes once again. In a sports contest, some are describing what they call �competitive banter�.� Oh, come on.� Say it like it is, it�s trash talking!� It sure ain�t casual chatter�
2922. I�m sorry� it just really bugs me when I see parents who are smoking in front of their kids, especially young kids.� You know� you�re blowing smoke into the young children�s faces, not to mention setting an awful example for them.� What are you going to tell them when they ask you what you�re doing? �That you�re killing yourself very, very slowly? You�d be lying to your kids saying anything else.
2923. A healthy hint. Trust me� no matter how bad a stomachache you�ve got, if you see some guy in a straw hat and overalls waving a pair of light-sticks standing by a sign saying �Discount Appendectomies� and clutching a fork and knife, don�t do it!
2924. Many are said to �take their work home with them�.� Hopefully, that list does not include surgeons, taxidermists, funeral directors, executioners, or lion tamers.
2925. I see this nonsensical rhetorical question all over the Internet.� It asks why there�s an expiration date on sour cream if it�s sour anyways. Well� what makes it �sour� in the first place is lactic acid, which is perfectly safe for you; it is found in wine, and in some fruits.� When it actually turns sour, it is putrefied; its proteins get broken down by bacteria. And that really isn�t good for you at all! So nice try� not funny.
2926. It�s often said that �violence is not the answer�.� Well, if you have the intelligence and the capability to resolve a situation peacefully, then, sure, you absolutely shouldn�t come to blows.� But if you�re a Teflon-brain who can�t tell the difference between a brick and Regis Philbin, what are you going to do, settle it in words no longer than five letters long?� Of course you have to fight it out to put an end to it!
2927. Artificial happiness is like counterfeit money.� Sure, it�s initially worth something; sure, you can fool some people; sure, it seems authentic. But when its true identity is revealed, it does you no good at all.
2928. Why do game show hosts create suspense even when there is none?� Like, you know who�s going to win� but they still say, �Don�t go away, anything can happen� in the final round!�� Yeah, sure, the one guy�s answered every single damn question, the other two are standing there like they�ve been hypnotized by a monkey, but �anything can happen!�
2929. You know how game show hosts wish every contestant �good luck�?� But, let�s face it, here.� There are some contestants who are so damn annoying during their intros, saying hi to their aunt and uncle in Kenosha and their 57 dogs and cats, spewing baby talk at the camera toward their infant kids who don�t even have a concept of what a TV is yet, that I just wish the host would tell them, �You know what?� I really hope you just lose.� Really, really painfully.�
2930. Can you picture taking a hamster, suspending it just above the floor, tying the other end of the rope to a ceiling fan, and turning the fan on its highest setting? Wouldn�t that be funny?� All you�d need is the high-pitched �Wheeee!� sound effect, and you�re really in business.
2931. Now, I�m not one who follows societal trends.� But I do notice one thing. It takes so long for older people to catch on to the �trendy� phrases and expressions that, once the older generation does finally catch on, those expressions have become pass�, and the younger ones are on to saying other things. I find that rather funny.
2932. I see so many ads for products portraying how awfully difficult it is to thread a weed trimmer, showing a black-and-white scene of a guy, frustrated look on is face, struggling with two lengths of trimmer line.� They tell you �you�ll never have to thread confusing line again!� Actually� if you know how to read, and if you know how to follow simple directions, it�s really not that hard at all to thread a trimmer.
2933. When I go into a restaurant, often there�s a lot of mingled conversation when I walk in. Once I sit down, though, the conversation I will hear the loudest is invariably the one I least wanted to hear. Really, I don�t need to know about your son�s wart problem, your hour-long comb-over attempt, your prescription medication for sciatica.� Please. The whole damn restaurant does not need to know!
2934. I can sing along with the theme song of every game show I�ve ever seen better than I can sing along with the theme song of my senior prom.� Sad� isn�t it?
2935. You know what would really be fun? You know those �moving sidewalks� at airports that move people faster as they walk? I�d like to go on one of those backwards, throw my hands up in the air, and glide my feet backwards, like I�m doing the moonwalk. It�d be worth it just to see the reactions of the people walking along the side of it.
2936. I see some people getting out of their convertibles, not rolling their tops up, and yet locking the car! What on Earth sense does that make?
2937. There are weight-loss companies who charge you a certain amount for every pound you lose. So if I go on one of those programs, and manage to gain weight, does that mean they owe me?� (Hey, I might try that�)
2938. On under-the-cap or peel-off product sweepstakes ads, it is often so generously pointed out that �the more you buy, the more chances you have to win.�� Well, thank you, Captain Obvious!� Wow!
2939. I have to get this one thing off my chest, so excuse my rant.� Many people call the famed movie monster �Frankenstein�. The monster is not called Frankenstein. The doctor is Frankenstein. The monster doesn�t have a name. Get it right�
2940. You know what? I think those �male enhancement� pill ads should run during Saturday morning cartoons.� It�d just be worth it to see the reaction on the young kids� (and, for that matter, the parents�) faces when they see some buxom ditz telling them how they can make their penises longer.
2941. You know what I can�t stand? People who argue with me, and insist they�re right, even though I know they�re wrong. You know� you should think they�d know already. I�m always right. It�s totally useless to argue with me, because you�d always lose.� (Okay, I�m kidding� I�ve been wrong two times in my life.)
2942. You�ve heard of the Home Depot. But here�s what you didn�t know. It all started as a small chain of stores called the Home Despot.� They started offering weapons, body doubles, nuclear materials, fixed voting machines, that kind of stuff� then they discovered the typo. Real head-slapper. Damn extra �s�, always gets in the way. Had to overhaul the whole damn inventory, make it a do-it-yourself warehouse.� What a difference an S makes!
2943. I see a very disturbing trend among fast food restaurants.� They�re all competing with each other to make a bigger burger. They add more and more layers of meat, onions, lettuce, tomatoes, what have you, until you can barely see over the top of it. I�m just waiting for some guy to break his jaw trying to take a bite out of one of those megasandwiches.
2944. I acknowledge the great human pastime of assimilating cloud shapes with familiar figures, like animals, plants, and buildings.� It takes some imagination to come up with those images in the clouds. But there are some clouds that are dead-on, absolutely obvious, no imagination needed.� For instance, I saw one like that yesterday.� Uncanny resemblance.� Looked just like the Fallopian Cow from the planet Snickersnoo. Couldn�t miss it!
2945. You probably have realized by now that I don�t much like the American human race. But I have to defend them here. I am tired of the assumptions that America is getting less intelligent.� It isn�t. You know what it is? It�s the dumbing down of American culture, that�s what. I think I speak for every reasonably intelligent American when I say that I�m fed up.� I am certainly not going to have my intelligence insulted by bureaucrats, by the media, by authority, or by entertainment. Enough!
2946. You may be familiar with the well-known Dr. Dre rap track �Nuthin� But a �G� Thang�. Sure, with all those homophobic and vulgar references, Dre would want you to think that �G� stood for �gangsta�, �ghetto�, something like that.� But I have some inside info here.� You see� Dre threw in all those expletives because� he didn�t want anyone to see his soft side. So what�s the �G� stand for? Well� his close pet guppy, Skippy, had just died.� So sad. �Nuthin� But a Guppy Thing.� Awww�
2947. Captain of the 20th Century Composers� All-Name Team: Sergei Rachmaninoff.
2948. Those last two Thoughts are rather odd, actually.� I mean, where else would you see Dr. Dre and Rachmaninoff mentioned in the same train of thought?
2949. I don�t know how many times I�ve heard someone say, �Life is short.�� Ridiculous.� I say, life isn�t too short.� It�s history that�s too long.
2950. I absolutely hate getting dressed up.� No matter what occasion for, I abhor the mere thought of a white button-down shirt, black dress pants, and sport jacket.� What really gets me, though, is the tie. Oh, that damn necktie.� You put a tie around my neck, you might as well tie it in a slipknot. I despise neckties!
2951. Tied for the lead in the Dolt of the Century race: those idiots who honk their horns/shout �fore� while driving by a golf course, and those idiots who play their really loud, bass-driven music in the vicinity of, or in the lot of, a golf course. Have some common courtesy, people!
2952. Whenever you go to a fast food place and order fries to go, there�s this inevitable feeling of disappointment whenever you finish the last fry in the box.� Then� ahh, you look in the bag, and, behold!� More fries that fell out of the box!� How nice is that?!� Life is good�
2953. Fallen arches� I know it�s a foot problem. But doesn�t that sound like what Mayor McCheese�s wife suffers from in older age?
2954. Here�s a laugh. Put on an MTV hip-hop video on mute. While that video is going on, throw on a Beatles or Led Zeppelin CD and play it at the same time.� It�s a little unusual, but funny, to see some homeys doing some pop-and-lock to �A Day in the Life� or �Whole Lotta Love�.
2955. What is this thing I hear about people illegally having air bags taken out of their steering wheels to install televisions in the steering column?� Morons!� Dumbheads! You�re taking out something that would save you in an accident� and putting in something that will distract you enough to get into an accident!� Can you be any more foolish with your car?!
2956. You know what I�d really love to see?� A tag-team knock-down, drag-out free-for-all featuring Barney and Baby Bop versus Big Bird and the Cookie Monster.� The sesame Street pair would just outclass them, flat out.� I�m freaking tired of that damn freaky imaginary purple dinosaur jumping around, laughing, stupidly grinning, and singing about how he loves everyone.
2957. Do me a favor, people. If you pull up to a stoplight in an old, clunky K-Car or Chevy Nova next to a slick Mercedes or Caddy, don�t look over at the driver of the other car and try to look cool. You ain�t happenin� by a long shot, buddy. You don�t even deserve to try to look cool next to a Toyota Tercel. So please stop it.
2958. You ever notice how, in many songs of the late �50s and early �60s with a male singer, the female backup singers are either way out of tune, thin in their singing voices, or a combination of the two?� I wish a bit more effort would�ve been put into that.� It�s really distracting and really annoying.
2959. Mariah Carey� Celine Dion� never mind listen to their music, I can�t even say their damn names without triggering a gag reflex.� Puh-leeze!
2960. You know� the more and more I listen to ultraconservative jackass Rush Limbaugh, the more and more I�m figuring that, if he saw a guy hanging off the ledge of a cliff, Rush would ask the guy if he�s liberal or conservative before he decides whether to save the man.
2961. The second or third most widely spoken language in the world, and leave it to English to confuse all those people by making �flammable� mean the same as �inflammable�.
2962. Adolf Hitler conceived the idea of the Volkswagen Beetle.� Yes, it was old Der F�hrer himself.� This proves one more thing about the guy.� Not only was Hitler a heartless, soulless, and ruthless tyrant, but also the man had absolutely no sense of aesthetic design� whatsoever.
2963. If ever you�re in doubt about the difference one letter can make in the English language, consider this: would you rather be an athletics supporter or an athletic supporter?
2964. With all the skin grafts that are otherwise used on totally unnecessary Hollywood plastic surgeries, can you imagine how many more burn victims could have been much more easily treated? The selfish little celebrity weasels�
2965. Some people sneeze very discreetly, and others sneeze incredibly noisily.� Some of those loud sneezers can be really annoying. Especially when they get into one of those sneezing fits.� Sure, the first sneeze is normal, but they work their way up.� By the time they get to the last sneeze, the grand finale, it�s a whole freaking production.� Oh, they got the whole lung action behind it, they got the vocal accompaniment, the squeezed facial expression, everything.� They really wanna let you know.
2966. I just have to get this off my chest. For those of you who listen to that dross, Ricky Martin and Enrique Iglesias have been to real Latin music as Anna Nicole Smith and Jenny McCarthy have been to real breasts. Do yourselves a favor, dump that garbage and listen to Santana, Tito Puente, and Jose Feliciano.� You�ll thank me� trust me on this one.
2967. Most of you are familiar with the classic game show �Hollywood Squares�, I trust. Aren�t you glad they�re squares? Could you imagine how long the games would take if the show were called, say, �Hollywood Decagons�?� And those celebs up in the ninth and tenth rows, they�d be so high up, they�d need, like, a sherpa to deliver the questions and return the answers back to the contestants�
2968. If a dermatologists� union decided to go on strike, would it be safe to say that they�d still advise each other not to pick their scabs?
2969. When I go to jazz, blues, or other similar kinds of concerts, I will invariably see some members of the audience mechanically bobbing their knees, gyrating their hips, and/or oddly manipulating their neck joints.� What is this strange behavior?!� It sure isn�t dancing; it�s more like something a neurologist in the audience would mistake for a muscle spasm�
2970. Do you think that, if King Midas amicably fired any of his minions, they would�ve been let go with a golden handshake?
2971. If you went into a billiards retailer and commented that they have nice racks, would you get slapped across the face?
2972. Pessimists say the glass is half empty. Optimists say it�s half filled. I say I�m thirsty, dammit, give me the glass, so it doesn�t go to waste because you two are arguing over whether it�s half empty or half full.
2973. As a follow-up to that last Thought, what the hell�s the use of arguing whether the glass is half empty or half filled?� You�re both right, aren�t you?!
2974. You know that person at the concert who thinks the song is over, starts applauding, but stops when they realize that no one else is clapping?� I really just wanna (after the song is over, of course) point at them and laugh� really loudly.� What a dumbhead!
2975. I admit that I have included some metaphors for life within the Thoughts.� But I am getting kinda bugged that people are trying to find metaphors for life in anything and everything they can think of. A lamppost� a sporting goods store� a bottle of stale ketchup� sure, you can try all you want to try and stretch out metaphors from those things. But they won�t work! If everything were a metaphor for life, jelly doughnuts would taste like chicken fingers.� (Whatever that means�)
2976. Stained-glass windows are beautiful works of art. But you know what would be cool?� Stained-glass eyeglasses. Whoa.� Now there� would be a total freaky experience.
2977. Be late for school or work. Be late for a meeting. But never� never be late for church. God help you, and I meant that literally, if you creak open those doors so much as a minute late. Every eye in that building slowly turns to see who durst walk in late.� Sometimes, you feel like the eyes even of God are upon you.
2978. Line from the backwoods theatre production of �Braveheart�: �Y�all kin take we�s�es lahves y�all, but youselves cain�t never not take ourses freeness y�all, no!� Somehow I don�t think Mel Gibson would be right for that part�
2979. Along the same lines, I can take a wild venture that Kenneth Branagh hasn�t had the desire to star in the backwoods theatre production of Shakespeare�s �Hamlet�. I can conjecture that he wouldn�t deign to utter that famed soliloquy opener, �Hey, y�all is, or y�all ain�t be, that there thing�s the question now there.�
2980. Now, if you go to a jazz concert, you�ve got to know what you�re doing.� Man, I hear some of these audience members at these concerts, they try to start the whole audience clapping on beats one and three. Well, as far as I�m concerned, that�s a mortal sin. You should get the noose if you clap to a jazz tune on beats one and three. I mean, really. Upbeats, people!� That�s the whole point of jazz!
2981. Healthy hint for dumb guys #39: tempting and fun as it might seem, do not use a circular saw blade as a Frisbee.
2982. When I see someone eating a chocolate-covered banana, I don�t know, it just doesn�t seem right. Too phallic for me.
2983. It�s said that children should be seen and not heard.� Let me take this one step further.� Children should be seen, and it would be more funny to muzzle them and listen to them try to mumble through the muzzle instead.
2984. Six words that would completely erase the dullness in anybody�s day: racquetball practice in a wind tunnel.
2985. In a 2003 VH1 list of the 200 greatest pop culture icons of all time, Britney Spears was ranked #20. Led Zeppelin was ranked #132. Yes, that�s right.� Per VH1, Britney Spears was 112 spots more influential to pop culture than Led Zeppelin.� Even though Led Zeppelin�s sound checks had 200 times more musical structure than Bimbo Spears� concerts� and Led Zeppelin influenced all blues-based rock following while Spears influenced� herself� Spears is 112 higher than Led Zeppelin.� Right� sure, VH1. Whatever you say!
2986. If you�re playing hangman, and you�re getting really annoyed that they keep beating you at it, here�s some revenge you can exact.� Give them the words �jazz� and �ovoviviparous�.� Let�s see Mr. Smarty-Words guess those!
2987. There are three guys I really don�t want to sit next to at a classical or jazz concert. There�s the guy who obviously doesn�t know the song but tries to hum along with it anyway.� There�s the guy who knows the song, but is way off-key and/or off-tempo when he tries to hum it.� And then there�s the guy who knows the song, is on key and tempo, but tries to hum along with all the parts� at once� and while �conducting�. If you�re one of them, I�ll spoon out your larynx.
2988. Now, I�m not at all in favor of the death penalty.� But since we have it, I�ll make a suggestion for state Departments of Justice. Let�s bring back public guillotinings. Don�t you think it would make potential murderers think twice about doing the deed if they knew that not only would they die, but also would they do it while crowds of people cheer, clamor for, and, finally, watch his demise?
2989. I�ve often wondered why they put the track listing of many CDs on the disc itself. How would you follow along with the tracks printed on the disc while it�s playing?
2990. You know� I just feel like I�m fully expecting to hear someone call up the Rush Limbaugh show and say, �Hey, Rush, mega-dittos from Satan�s kingdom!� The devil�s a liberal!�
2991. If a movie were being made about important 18th-century composers, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were cast, of course, you know what part he�ll say he wants. �I�ll be Bach!�
2992. My God, people. What is this freakish cult obsession with soap opera story lines?� I see those soap opera mags in checkout aisles at supermarkets (a perfectly apt place for them, but that�s another story)� and it�s like these soap opera characters are real people!� To some of these fans� maniacs, I mean�� a �marriage�, or �death�, or �birth� for one of these characters personally affects them! I�ve seen it! People!� They�re fictional!� Not� real! Get over it!
2993. Don�t you wish we could live like the old, classic cartoons?� If we were stuck with no place to go, we could pain a door on the wall and just walk right through.� Our enemies would never touch us; they�d just unsuspectingly fall off cliffs and land with big puffs of dust.� You could hide from anything by just stepping behind a tree. No matter how hard they�d look, they�d never find you behind the tree.� Wouldn�t life be just great that way?!
2994. My goodness, I see it all the time. On TV, or on the silver screen, whenever you find the motif of the bossy figure controlling someone�s life, you are almost assured of hearing the controlled character utter the line, �It�s my life� I can do what I want� you have no right to tell me what to do��, and so forth.� Please. Find another thing to say. You�re correct, but I�ve only heard it said about� oh, 5,462,389 other times!� I�m tired of it! Say something original!
2995. New method of slow, torturous execution on the books in Alaska: forced continuous watching, episode by episode, beginning to end of series, of �Guiding Light�.
2996. Would somebody please tell me when the �convalescent home� became an �assisted living center�? Why must society become so PC that they had to avoid a word that means �growing old� for a place where people� grow old?
2997. You know what they say about guys with big shoe sizes, don�t you?� Don�t you, huh?� Yeeeah, that�s right. You know what I�m talking about, don�t ya?� They make big footprints! (What were you thinking?!)
2998. If you�re in a smaller car, don�t you just wish you could just push a button to pop out those large, sharp metal spikes, kinda James Bond-ish, and put out a couple tires on that big, nasty, gas-guzzling, excessive SUV driving next to you on the expressway? Aarrghh, I hate SUVs.
2999. Another method of slow, torturous execution on the books in Alaska: having to sit with no chair in a room with the same portrait of a googly-eyed guy tiled on the floor, walls, and ceiling. No windows� all you see, wherever you look, is the picture of the googly-eyed guy, staring at you, thousands of his eyes following you around wherever you go� LOOK OUT!
3000. Well, hooray, and a whoop-de-freaking-do to you too.� Break out the streamers and confetti, folks, it�s Thought #3000!� If begins with a 3� and ends with three 0�s! �Wow!� It�s a multiple of 1,000, so I guess that dictates that we have to celebrate it in some way! Start handin� out the party hats and noisemakers, boys, �cause we�ve got a �nice round number� to celebrate!!
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