3001. �Additional rare but very serious side effects may occur.�� Like what? You�re not going to tell us?! Don�t you think we should know, if they�re that �serious�? What, could we drop dead? Oh, no, you wouldn�t want us to know that, now!
3002. Something I can all but guarantee you�ll never hear: a Barry Manilow album of Slipknot covers. I�d love to hear him try to pull off that gravelly screaming voice, though�
3003. A couple things to remember when I�m getting clothes.� Number one� when I�m trying on six pairs of pants, I do not need to come out of the fitting room after every pair to model them so others can see if they fit. If I say they fit, they fit. And number two, if I try on a size of pants of a certain brand, and it fits, I do not need to try on more pants of the same size!� Please!
3004. You ever notice how, when you drive past those �adult video� places, there are hardly ever any nice cars parked there?� You always see the old clunkers, the 15-to-20-year-old Toyotas, Hondas, Geos, those kinds of cars, the ones being held together by duct tape.� That tells you all you need to know about who goes for porno.
3005. The unquestionable captain of the Game Show Host All-Name Team: Rolf Bernishke.
3006. Being weird is like living your life in an elevator.� You�re there oblivious to the people around you.� You occasionally see the door open; you catch the glimpses of quotidian reality.� But you remain unaware of the rat-race, oh, so normal rest of the world as you bob up and down, up and down; you never get off that elevator car and risk assimilating yourself to the left-right-left-right trudge to Hell that is the soldiery we call Reality.
3007. Why is it that, in game shows where a totally random, lucky guess is required for the contestant to win a prize, the audience still urges the contestant toward where to pick? Come on, your guess is as good as the contestant�s!
3008. I�ve seen albums entitled �The Essential Kenny G�.� Is this possible? I don�t think so� because this would imply that there are Kenny G songs that are necessary additions to your music collection.
3009. Some celebs (well, a lot of them) are absolutely awful with their money.� If you can, please tell me why they spend millions on one outfit of clothes and jewelry that they wear one time. It�s a vast waste of green, if you ask me. Millions just to bedizen themselves just so their faces don�t break the cameras!� (To editorialize further� let�s be honest, here. Some celebrities, they can bejewel and titivate themselves to kingdom come� it won�t help them.� They�re repulsive no matter what.)
3010. You know where, in those shaving commercials, they show the guy taking the razor and making that stroke from the Adam�s apple, up the neck, and off the chin? That�s a vulgar gesture if you do that with your hand! If I�m in a particularly vulnerable and/or paranoid mood when I see that commercial, I might very well be offended by it�
3011. Here�s a reality show idea for you FOX execs out there.� Chain together eight naked people by their ankles, tie their hands behind their backs, put them on a boat with no fishing accessories, in piranha-infested waters, and make them figure out how they�re going to get food for two weeks.
3012. Alaska should change its nickname. �The Last Frontier�? Too Star Trek-ish.� How about �Alaska: The State With� Um� Uh� Hmm� Uh, Let�s See� Nope, Not That� Not That Either� Uh� Yeah� Ice� And Stuff � Yeah, That�s Right, Lots Of Ice, And Frozen Stuff, And� Well, We Can�t Think Of Anything Else, But� Yeah, Lots Of� Cold Stuff.�
3013. You know� I wish I had this superpower where I can tell what people say under their breath about me. Well, if you only knew what I mutter sotto voce, you would hate me to death.� I do admit that. You would not want to hear what I have to say about you that I mutter sotto voce.
3014. Kumquat.� Kumquat!� Kumquat? Kumquat� kumquat?!� Kumquat, kumquat � kumquat.� (Is there any doubt that this word is the funniest word ever?!) Kumquat, kumquat, kumquat, kumquat, KUMQUAT!!!
3015. Here�s a little experiment. You�re sitting in the front row at a classical concert.� You take out a jar with a rat in it.� Crawl up to the stage and release the rat.� See just how well they can concentrate.
3016. I find it rather curious about human nature that people would just as well want to know the answers to their questions and problems as they would to find someone else who is just as ignorant as they are, and stay that way.
3017. Candidate for Dumbhead of the Millennium: the first guy who got the idea to rig his car horn to play �La Cucaracha�. He is also up for the Guy With Much Too Much Time To Spare Award and the Guy Who Found the Most Annoying Use For Technology Award.
3018. I hold my standards high for professional marching band shows.� I will not be impressed until I see drill that includes the tuba players� simultaneously turning back flips on-field.
3019. Political primaries are way too boring. I have an interesting way to liven them.� Votes would not be decided by candidates� personalities, experience, political stance, any of that. What should happen is that the politicians move state to state, fill out arenas, and have a mud-wrestling tournament. The winner of each tournament gets the vote from each state; ties will be broken by staring contests.
3020. There are people who just plain drink from water fountains.� And then� there are people who look like they�re freaking making out with the spigot. God, that�s unappealing. Do you really think I�m gonna drink from that fountain after you damn near got to second base with it?! Geez!
3021. Sure, some guys landed on our Moon in 1969.� But, come on, now. You can�t just land on our Moon, get some rocks, and skedaddle!� You gotta do something!� Don�t tell me Michael Jackson came up with that dance move around 1980 and called it the �Moonwalk� for nothing!� I think there should be a lunar mission devoted entirely to simply seeing how cool it would be to do the Moonwalk on our Moon.
3022. Contortionists would make really good politicians.� Why? Of course, because they can put their feet firmly in their mouths without any ostensible effort�
3023. I hear Jim Henson Productions is getting desperate for attention.� They�re trying harder and harder to try to appeal to modern youth, and never has it been more painstakingly evident than in their new special, �The Muppets� Let�s Get Soused And Make Fun Of Transvestites!�
3024. Relations between the U.S., Canada, and Mexico have been too calm for too damn long.� God, it�s a snooze.� We gotta do something to shake things up, cause some excitement. How about this? Let�s draft a Constitutional Amendment that simply reads, �Canada and Mexico totally suck.�� That oughta get �em to react� it�d be fun, actually, to see what they�d say to counter.� I�m hoping it would lead to an exchange strikingly similar to a playground argument.
3025. With all this modern technology, it�s a wonder they can�t make freaking sunglasses lenses that don�t stay fogged up every damn time you sweat!
3026. Never trust an orthopedic surgeon whose only �tools� are a pocketknife and a drawerful of duct tape.
3027. A wheelchair ramp, a tile floor, a dog, a piece of steak at the top, a whole bunch of baby oil, and the �Chariots of Fire� theme: six ingredients for a whole lot of fun.
3028. They�ve trained monkeys to pick out colors, identify shapes, all those �scientific� sorts of things. But we gotta be practical here. Those smart scientist people have got to start training monkeys to get up during timeouts and get you a beer and some chips so you don�t have to get up off your lazy duff. And, come on.� Wouldn�t it be cool to be able to say you�ve got a monkey butler?
3029. FOX reality TV show promo: �These fifteen women think Joe�s a regular guy. But when he picks the woman he wants to marry, he will reveal a secret so shocking that it just might endanger their relationship� forever. And that�s because� Joe is a monkey.� �Joe Primate�. This fall, on FOX!�
3030. Here�s what you can do to get really odd looks at the zoo.� As you�re going around to every animal exhibit, get this really foolish childlike grin on your face, point at each animal, and squeal the baby talk name for each creature.� �Ducky! Bunny rabbit!� Moocow!� Hippo!!�
3031. Here�s a tip to avoid some awful embarrassment.� When you�re listening to �Super Freak� on headphones while sitting in a chair, hard as it may be, resist dancing in your chair to it!� Resist!� (If I can do it, anyone can!)� Not only will you be simply mortified, but it will, upon first glance, appear that you are randomly dancing to no music, in which case you will look really, really dumb, too.
3032. A huge vat of Jell-O, 57 bottles of whipped cream, a diving board, a hypnotist, and 25 really, really gullible people: all the ingredients you need for a really good laugh.
3033. Now, with the Backstreet Boys� track, �I Want It That Way�, there is some reference I could make to some crude, childish sexual innuendo, but I will, in fact, refrain from making a point of it. (Not in the prison shower, you won�t!) Ahem.
3034. You know those CD compilations� ads they air on TV?� Yeah, they really bug the hell out of me.� They play these little 5-second snippets of the songs just to remind you what they sound like.� But after I hear the commercials, they don�t get the entire songs stuck in my head. Oh, no.� You know what gets in my head?� Just those damn snippets.� All of them.� In the same freaking order they play them in the ads.� The only thing more annoying than getting whole songs stuck in your head is getting five-second snippets of those songs stuck in your head. Over� and over. And over.� And over�
3035. Here�s what you can do to liven some football games.� Make them play barefoot� on flaming coals.
3036. Here�s what you can do to liven figure skating competitions.� Disperse random soft spots throughout the rink that give way into freezing water when any weight is put on them.
3037. With the younger generations from now on the way they are, I would not at all be surprised to see a brand new medical condition arising in old, maybe even middle, age. I�d call it �cell phone stretch�. It�s a condition where the muscles on only one side of your neck develop chronic pain and spasms from tilting your head to one side so often when talking on your cell phone.� Don�t say I didn�t warn you.
3038. There�s a bachelor party at the house next to a kid�s 5th birthday party, on the same day. The former hires a stripper, the latter a clown. Let�s hope they don�t get mixed up and start performing at each other�s house without noticing their clients.
3039. Man� MacGyver, I loved the show. But, really, now. Why in God�s name did you trade in that really cool Jeep a bit more than half through the series and get that really ugly, uncool, obnoxiously yellow clunky God-awful pickup truck?! When I saw that truck for the first time, I just cringed and shook my head in sad realization that you just lost 40% of your cool-guy/hero appeal, right then and there.
3040. �That�s all well and good, but�� can something be well and not be good?
3041. Just wondering� what would happen if you gave a monkey Viagra and a mirror?
3042. Personally, I think the concept of evolution lacks mightily in the evidence department. How sure can we be that monkeys evolved into humans if we have not yet found any trace of evidence showing that there has been monkey porn?� Crazy idea�
3043. Stilts, a zero-gravity chamber, rubber walls and floor, space suits, and a good lot of alcohol: ingredients for a certainly rollicking good time.
3044. Here�s a math problem for all you dumb guys out there.� Train A leaves Chicago, IL at 5:00 traveling east at 150 mph. Train B leaves London, England at 3:30 traveling west at 130 mph. What time will Train A and Train B meet?
3045. How many porn stars does it take to light a light bulb?� Three, of course: one to hold its end, and two to rub it up and down to try and turn it on. (Hey, I couldn�t resist!)
3046. I am more and more impressed with Microsoft every day.� The word �moocow� passes MS Word�s spellchecker.� Yes� �moocow�.
3047. I really hate it when I�ve got a song stuck in my head, then I have to go somewhere where it would be really inappropriate to hear the song.� Like if you have to go to church, but you just can�t get rid of Nine Inch Nails� �Closer�.� (If you don�t know the song, read the lyrics!� Yeah, exactly�)� Or for a family party, Marvin Gaye�s �Let�s Get It On�.� The song is still stuck in my head, but I feel really guilty because of where I am.
3048. The definition of mild psychological torture: you�re at fat camp, and the only thing you hear over the loudspeakers at dinnertime is Jimmy Buffett�s �Cheeseburger in Paradise�. Over� and over.
3049. Say all you want about polka bands. But I will not be impressed with one until I hear a rollicking, up-tempo polka version of Bob Dylan�s �Knockin� on Heaven�s Door� that actually works.
3050. You ever seen those titles of articles for academic theses and journals?� My goodness, how dry.� How utterly unappealing.� They need to freshen the titles, make them more appealing to younger generations.� �Yo, Yo, This Be About The Pizz-urification of Sizz-oil With Nizz-itrates and Carbon Dizz-ioxide, Dog!�
3051. With all their promotions, tour dates, and appearances, isn�t it strikingly ironic that the best possible thing that can happen for a musician�s album sales is his or her death?
3052. Last time I checked, we all have a terminal disease.� It�s called �life�.
3053. For goodness� sake, when you�re in a public restroom, please close the door when you�re in the stall. Do I even need to explain why you should? I should hope not. Just please do it. I hate it when you don�t.
3054. This may seem erudite and picky, but I have to get this little fault off my chest. When you use �criteria�, don�t use it as a singular. It�s not �the only criteria� when you mean one. And don�t tack an �s� onto it to make it plural.� It�s not �criteria� and �criterias�, it�s �criterion� and �criteria�. Thank you.� Sorry.
3055. Never on �Jeopardy!�, hopefully: �Celebrity Private Parts.� I�ll show the genitalia of a famous person, you name the star.�
3056. As you may have recognized by now, I�m certainly a liberal.� I�m actually an independent liberal, or, as Rush Limbaugh might like to call me, �noncommittal scum�.� But I�m the furthest thing from noncommittal. See, unlike Rush, I don�t see a person as Democratic or Republican before I make judgments about them. And, unlike Rush, I have actually recognized that Democrats and Republicans aren�t the only people in the world who have opinions, nor is one always right and the other always wrong. Independents aren�t fence-sitters; there is no such thing as a fence to us.
3057. Take note of this, because this is a really good way to torture me.� Put a 20-ouncer of Coca-Cola in my hands, but tell me I have to walk two miles before I can open it.� Do you know how much restraint would be needed on my part?! For extra measure, follow me the whole way and keep telling me how great caffeine is. But don�t ask me for a sip when I�m done.
3058. It�s kinda sad, and funny, that there actually seem to be rehearsed pauses in States of the Union addresses where people are �supposed to� applaud.� You know, I would not in the least be surprised if the President had �applause� flashing prompt signs installed in the chamber outside of the field of view of the cameras.� It would just be classic if the President were to come upon one of these pauses, and the audience sat still for a few seconds in awkward silence before realizing they had to applaud.
3059. Hopefully never, ever heard on �Jeopardy!�: �I�ll take �Things Alex Trebek Said To Large-Breasted Young Women While Over-the-Top, Completely Drunk� for 200, Alex.�
3060. I would hereby like to propose that the official method of execution in the state of South Dakota be �Carol Channing�s Greatest Hits�.
3061. If you have a cell phone and a cat, may I suggest the following experiment: place the cell phone near the cat while it�s sleeping, and use your home phone to dial the cell. Simply for curiosity�s sake, see (a) if the cat knows where in hell the noise is coming from, (b) what the cat scratches and claws at, if it doesn�t know the source of the noise, and (c) what the cat does to the cell phone if it figures out where the origin of the noise is. Bonus points if the cat answers the cell phone.
3062. If you have a cassette recorder and a dog, may I suggest the following experiment: tape the audio from the Meow Mix commercial, put it on a loop, place the tape recorder somewhat near, but not within eyeshot of, the dog, and press play.� See how long it takes the dog to go completely nuts. (I suggest earplugs, so you yourself don�t also go nuts.)
3063. It is a testament to the wonders of insomnia that I am currently pondering the fascinating yet odd conundrum of toe hair, and why it is so much more prominent on your big toe than on any other. Yes, it�s 5:00 am.
3064. Please, oh, please, when you use, in writing, a phrase similar to �delve into the annals of history�, don�t forget to use two n�s in �annals�, not one. That would look like a very bad (albeit quite humorous) typo for an academic report.� Just make sure of that�
3065. A recent survey revealed that, when asked to define �thesaurus�, 87% of dumb guys said the same thing. �Thesaurus: yeah, uh, that�s that old animal, kinda like a brontosaurus, but it was, like, smart, and knew words, and stuff.�
3066. The �Dumb Guy Cookbook� has recently been published and released.� A particularly fascinating aspect of this cookbook is that it contains 26 recipes alone featuring glue quiches, not to mention four different recipes for preparing toothpick casseroles.
3067. Yes, it is official. I am coming unhinged, folks. At 5:30 am, I have just been genuinely frightened by the motion detector-activated startup of a soda vending machine.
3068. I need direction in the fine art of basking.� You know, getting just the right suntan is a very precise art. Something�s telling me I need some aid in this area when, toward the end of summer, my skin frighteningly resembles one of those pressure gradient maps they use on the Weather Channel.
3069. You know, wearing sunglasses has its advantages aside from shielding your eyes from the Sun�s rays. For example, I could be ogling, or staring in an evil way, and you�d have no idea I�d be doing it.� I could be rolling my eyes at you, and you wouldn�t know it. I could hide so many expressions behind those sunglasses that you�d be very tempted to perpetrate very, very violent acts upon me if you really saw what I could be doing under there.
3070. I�d like to make an addendum to Ben Franklin�s things you can be certain of in life: death, taxes, and that the elevator is always on the furthest floor from where you are when you need it most.
3071. I have encountered a new low in the �how dumb do you think we are?!� department. I came upon a lidded garbage can with the instructions �Press to close, lift to open.�� Wow�
3072. As I record this Thought, it is my 20th birthday.� Do you know what that means?!� It means I am no longer subject to the stereotypes of �teenager�! I am no longer �gawky, uncomfortable, socially awkward teenager�, I am now suddenly �more mature, refined, socially smoother person who spells their age beginning with a 2.� I am, forever, never a teenager again. Thank the Lord!� I am liberated!
3073. Dumb Guy Dictionary entry for �prima donna�: �Describing the period of history occurring before Madonna�s first album.�
3074. FOX TV show idea: �When Huge Flocks Of Drunken Flamingos Descend Upon Parma During Mating Season�.
3075. When males walk into adjacent bathroom stalls at the same time, relieve themselves, and then walk out at the same time, don�t you think they deserve a medal, or something? To walk in, flush, and walk out at the same time? Synchronized peeing! An Olympic team event!� I don�t know, incorporate it into the drug test, or something. That takes talent!
3076. You know what? I�d like to write a song called �Pie In My Pants�. Why?� I don�t know.� Why not? No one else has written a song called �Pie In My Pants�.� (For the record, I looked it up.)� And wouldn�t it be cool just to say you wrote the international number-one hit sensation �Pie In My Pants�?
3077. Christina Aguilera made a Christmas album.� Doesn�t this qualify as some sort of official Christian sacrilege?� It would seem impossible that she could celebrate the birth of Jesus without any appearance of obvious hypocrisy.
3078. Those psychologists are a sneaky bunch. If they tell you that, or ask you if, you�re in denial, they�ve got you.� What do you say?� If you say �yes�, you�d be admitting it, but if you say �no�, they could just tell you you�re in denial about being in denial.� And if you say �maybe�� oh, never mind, I�m too confused already.
3079. I really do take offense when my Thoughts are called �stupid�.� You know, these are not stupid Thoughts; they�re pointless, unnecessary exercises in mental drudgery.� They�re not �stupid�.� Get it right.
3080. Since when are there two r�s in �drawing�? So why do some people pronounce it �drawr-ing�?� Ahh! That�s so annoying!
3081. Roller skates, a basketball, a court, a sheet of ice, ten klutzes, and an audience comprised entirely of good-looking naked people: certain ingredients for a whole lot of laughs.
3082. Dumb guy definition of �minuteman�: �a very small man; an elf or gnome.�� (Think about it!)
3083. In a time of low faith in religion, the creed of Christianity has decided desperately to woo back members of the great unwashed.� They have decided to begin and end every sentence of every hymn with the word �yo�.� �Yo, Jesus Christ, we praise thy name, yo.�� Well, not really, but wouldn�t that make Masses a bit more intriguing?
3084. There are times in a man�s life where he cannot help but feel very, very excited. One is marriage.� One is the birth of his child.� And several times are when he discovers a new noise that he can make using parts of his body.
3085. Here�s a little social experiment. Gather some unsuspecting people around by standing on a soapbox in a public place, as if you�ve got something big to say. Then, announce simply, �I have an eleven-inch penis,� and walk off.
3086. In recent news, PETA has decided to undertake a campaign to halt usage of the common idiom, �kill two birds with one stone.�� A PETA official was quoted as saying, �This everyday expression portrays the violent, senseless, and dreadfully unnecessary act of terminating the innocent life of one of God�s precious creatures.� It should immediately be replaced by the expression �accomplish two tasks with one action�.� Well, not really, but doesn�t that sound like something PETA would do?
3087. I have a real issue with people who don�t think that sports are �important� in the scheme of life. Sure, sports aren�t �life and death�. But sports are a symbol of pride, loyalty, honor, and character.� They are respite in times of struggle and hardship, a source of faith and hope in the direst of situations.� And, let�s face it. Without sports, life would be boring as hell, whether you like it or not!
3088. We all carp, moan, and groan about dishonesty.� But can you imagine how boring the world would be if everyone were always honest? There would be no scandal. There would be no secrets. There would be no backstabbing.� There would be no cheesy court shows.� Imagine!� No excitement anymore!
3089. Now, I�m straight, but something really strikes me wrong about the trend to use the word �gay� as a negative term. For example, people say, �That�s so gay�, or �What a gay thing to do.�� I think that�s rather demeaning.� It�s equating gay people with things that aren�t liked or shouldn�t be done. I don�t know, that just irks me that �gay� is used as if it�s strictly a bad thing. It isn�t right.
3090. You know, I�m just waiting for this to happen in a game show introduction.� �Hi, I�m Joe Smith, from San Bernardino, California. I�m married with two wonderful kids, Jack and Joe Junior. My hobbies are fly-fishing, golf, and water-skiing, and I have a two-inch-thick penis.� Just to see how the host and contestants would react! �Here, let me prove it��
3091. Health tip #96: when you�re going in for surgery, and the surgeon comes in with a bugle in his hands �to play just in case this whole thing doesn�t work out�, then is the time to switch doctors.
3092. Pretty much ranks up there on the �things I wouldn�t want my surgeon to say� list: �That thing goes� there. No, wait� damn��
3093. One of my most annoying grievances of speech is this.� It�s not �yuge�, �yuman�, or �yumorous�.� It�s �huge�, �human�, and �humorous�.� There�s an �h� in each of those words; pronounce it, dammit!
3094. Last time I checked, there was a �g� in �strength�.� Don�t say �strenth�! That bugs me!
3095. I just have to get this off my mind.� When you pronounce the word �forte�, and you mean the musical term for �loudly�, you pronounce the �e� at the end.� But when you say �forte� as in �a strong skill�, you don�t pronounce the �e�! You should pronounce it like �fort�, because it comes from the French word for strong, which is �fort�. It�s one syllable, not two. Sorry, it�s just a little foible that drives me nuts. I had to vent.
3096. I saw a warning label on a backhoe that admonishes, �Stay out of working range of equipment.� Well, thank you for letting me know. It would never have occurred to me that I could be speared, crushed, blindsided, or scooped up by a backhoe arm or bucket if I get near it.� Thanks for the heads-up!
3097. We take for granted that we actually exist.� But what if we�re all figments of someone�s elaborate imagination?� What if we�re all just shadows cast on the space-time continuum? What if we were all puppets controlled by invisible strings attached to frames controlled by a network of giant secret green monkey-rabbit hybrids living in underground hyperbaric chambers and speaking a language understood only by Pat Sajak action-figure dolls? Huh?!� What would you do then?!� Ahhh!
3098. Health tip #22: if your local hospital�s slogan is �Oh, well, you win some, you lose some,� you better hope you never get hurt.
3099. Just wondering� what would happen if you gave three sticks of chewing gum and a giant lollipop to a semi-anesthetized monkey?� (There�s a picture!)
3100. Interesting double entendre in the carpentry biz: �tongue and groove�.
3101. The Internet has officially achieved an all-time low.� In the �international� directory of Google is a Pig Latin page.
3102. You know what I haven�t seen in toy stores that would be a source of entertainment for fours on end? A wind-up talking action-figure Jesus doll. He comes complete with 75 recorded Biblical truisms, along with authentic karate-chop action arms and legs! It�s Jesus as you�ve never seen him before!� A great gift for the Christian on your Christmas list!� Sensei Jesus!
3103. If you�re a fan of classic rock music, you will most likely agree with me that the Derek and the Dominos� original version of �Layla� is one of the greatest rock songs of all time. So what the hell were rock fans in 1971 and 1972 thinking when �Layla� only hit number 10 on the Billboard charts? Number 10?! That�s it?� The song is one of the top rock classics of all� and it doesn�t even get past 10th place in sales?� What were you thinking?!
3104. You know how they have those gumball vending machines where you put the coins in, and then you can watch the gumball drop through all these slides, chutes, and spirals before it comes out of the machine for you?� Well, don�t you think it would be funny if they did the same for condom vending machines? I�d prefer not to describe the mechanisms through which you�d see the condom slide and drop� but you could call it the Condom Coaster!� It�d be a huge hit!�� You could even add some nice sound effects�
3105. Many in the past have offered their so-called expertise on what makes a �successful� life. I�m going to throw in my advice to the fray. The way I see it, life is a �success� if the state police and FBI have no idea that you died.
3106. I shall hereby make a prediction of my fate.� My habitual sarcasm and hyperbole will, one day, directly get me arrested, romantically separated, federally exiled, imprisoned, and/or killed. Just you watch.
3107. Useless fact of the year: as of this Thought, the square footage of 26 average-sized Wal-Mart Supercenters would completely cover the nation of Vatican City.� (And yes, I took approximately 10 useless minutes of my life to research and figure this out.)
3108. Help me here; I�m in the middle of a huge theoretical dilemma.� I�ve been agonizing over this for quite a long time, and I just have to air this out.� Which would I rather do: listen to a 6-hour seminar on 16th-century European monarchism, or lie straitjacketed and strapped to a gurney until every single hair on my body is plucked out, one by one, by a pair of household pliers? Tough decision here.
3109. I can�t tell you how many times I�ve seen proffered the advice to �smile�.� And every time I see it, I get more annoyed. You aren�t happy all the time, so why should you smile all the time?� Those happy-happy, why-can�t-we-all-get-along people need a swift kick in the psyche. If you�re depressed, angry, stressed out, or whatever, show it!� Why should you put on a fa�ade and be in denial?� Sure, let�s all smile all the time, we�ll make the world a disingenuously brighter place to live!
3110. The Amish are notorious for their shunning of modern technology.� The Amish homestead has an official web site, amishwebportal.com. Hey, wait a minute...
3111. There is a day in October called �National Love Your Body Day�.� Please, just gag me now.� Honestly.� Some feminists just leave me addled.� Why should females �love their bodies�?� They say it�s not to give in to the �societal pressures� of males and the �Hollywood image�. Wait a second. Don�t these people also say that a woman has the right to make her own lifestyle choices?� A woman can be fat or thin, it�s none of your damn business.
3112. Here�s another foible that gets to me. Are there two a�s in �vice versa�? Of course not. So why do people say it �vice-a versa�? I hate that.
3113. Truth be told, I actually had a dream that consisted solely of the following sequence of events: I went to a store, bought a Vanilla Coke, walked out, twisted off the cap, looked under it, discovered that I�d won a free 20-ounce Coke product, and got mildly excited. That was it. Which is saddest: that I had this dream, that I remembered it so well, or that this sequence of events is a manifestation of my subconscious?
3114. I am the object of many women�s desires.� Desires to muffle and violently asphyxiate someone, that is.
3115. When you see one of those bulldozers driving slowly on the road, and you�re walking in the other direction, don�t you ever get the temptation to time one just right and take a flying, sideways, layout leap right into its scoop?� Don�t tell me you don�t!
3116. Fashion mags nauseate me. Their sole purpose is to observe and/or set the trends that those slaves to fashion, mod-zombies I call them, adopt and treat as biblical information.� You know what I�d love to do?� I�d love to stage a rally against hot fashions.� Have a lot of people deliberately wear things that couldn�t be more �out of style�.� We�d be an �outr� mob�, deliberately bucking the zombified throng, not doing what millions of people who sift through closets with glazed brains do. I love it.
3117. Politically speaking, I am an independent. Why am I an independent? Because both Republicans and Democrats are fluffheaded jerks, that�s why.� The Republicans are idiots because all they care about is more power, more money, and an iron fist, and they�re so damn stubborn and stuck in their ways. The Democrats are pinheads because they have a nasty habit of reneging on their own party members, not to mention have a sluggish and shaky foreign policy, at best. They�ll both do anything to get attention, ink or otherwise. So that�s why I hate them both.
3118. There doesn�t really need to be much preparation for the White House Halloween party. Everyone who�s invited doesn�t have to really put on any disguising dress; they can just show up.� With the masks and fa�ades they put on themselves the rest of the year, they can just be themselves; that is disguise enough for them.
3119. I think the Communists invented peanut butter.� No, it wasn�t George Washington Carver.� (�or maybe he was a Communist?!)� Why did they do it? First of all, let me explain why the Communists made it so tasty.� Why did they make it tasty?� Oh, those sneaky little buggers.� They made it so tasty so that everybody would eat it. And why, pray tell, did they want everyone to eat it? Well, of course, the Communists implanted microsensors in every peanut butter jar ever manufactured, and will continue to do it.� You ever wonder why peanut butter sticks to the roof of your mouth? So those sneaky Communists can track our every word and move! Of course! Damn Communists�
3120. Something�s telling me it would have been rather anticlimactic, not to mention would it have drawn a really odd and surprised reaction from the movie audience, if, in the famed dramatic scene from �E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial�, E.T. were to feebly utter the words, �E.T. phone one nine-hundred triple-X phone sex line� E.T. smile for rest of night��
3121. Line in the pre-edited script of �Gone With the Wind�: �Frankly, my dear� I�ve had better. You just don�t make it happen anymore. Unlike your mother� whoo!� Was she smokin� last night!� Man, you should subscribe to Cosmo like she does, �cause she done learned all the tricks!� Wow!�
3122. A surgeon has two patients, one needing a frontal lobotomy and the other a sex-change operation. Let�s hope the doctor doesn�t mix up their files and give each what the other one needs.� Otherwise, they�d have a mentally unstable person who wakes up to quite a shock, and a guy who�s still unsure about his identity, but is rather eerily low-key about his whole situation, all of a sudden.
3123. Health tip #145: if you find it necessary to sidle to be able to walk down a supermarket aisle, you might want to watch your diet.
3124. Be wary of a pharmacist who, when asked for a bottle of headache-relief medicine, goes out back into the storage area and carts out a huge crate with 20 sledgehammers inside.
3125. Be wary of a pharmacist who proclaims health and drug assessment via what he calls the �Pat Sajak Method�.
3126. I�ve seriously wondered for a while what you can do with a degree in philosophy. And I can�t really decide whether it would be a good thing or a bad thing.� What can you do? You can write books, or you can be a philosophy teacher.� But it really isn�t like chemistry, or engineering, or biology, where you really do something tangible, where people can associate you with something that doesn�t really leave much to the imagination.� But philosophy, what do you do?� You just� think about stuff.� But you can apparently do it better� and for a living.
3127. Change.� David Bowie wrote a song about it.� Psychologists say it�s a healthy thing to experience. Bankers carry it in rolls. Politicians demand it, and promise it. Philosophers say it�s the only thing that remains constant.� Sometimes, vending machines want it exactly.� It makes you cry, it makes you reminisce, it makes you smile, it makes you think. Sometimes, it really leaves you wondering what hit you, or how it even happened.� But I can avow this.� If you try and avoid it, it will sting you all the more just when you least expect it and when you need it least.
3128. I�ll bet you didn�t realize that the Earth is flat, the CIA conspired to kill John F. Kennedy, you can make your penis grow 2 to 3 inches longer and a half an inch thicker, guaranteed, and Elvis Presley has been spotted still alive.� [pause]� What? What do you mean, they�re not true? I saw them on the Internet! Don�t tell me the Internet is wrong! Oh, what, next you�re gonna tell me I can�t be a legally ordained minister in 48 hours or less?� Damn� and �Reverend Croce� had a nice ring to it�
3129. Politicians are like vending machines. They�ll give you any old sugary thing you want, but only if you put money into them and push some buttons.
3130. People have suggested that I run for political office.� They consider that it be a compliment for me.� I actually take it as an insult.� The day I decide to run for public office is the day the Inuit run a line of bikini shops.� No damn way. I refuse to be stamped as an underhanded, money-grubbing, lying slimeball.
3131. Yet another random useless factoid: light traveling in the state of Connecticut would be going just over 10,317,178.9 times the speed limit.� Go ahead.� Try and pull that over for speeding.
3132. Risqu� comedy club slogan: �We Give You Oral Pleasure Every Night.�
3133. You know what would be really cool? Having a flunkey hanging around you. It�s a very beneficial move to your lifestyle.� Why? Well, I don�t know.� I think I�m just trying to find an excuse to say the word �flunkey�. Isn�t that just a really cool word? Flunkey!� Honestly, I could say it all day�
3134. I really can�t stand those bands and artists who label themselves �emo�.� I mean, come on, now.� All their songs are about how their girlfriend broke up with them, their dog died, they�re depressed beyond belief, they cried so much their eyes turned crimson, their best friends all moved away, they�re living by themselves in crummy one-roomers, and nobody has ever really, does not, or will ever like them, never, for their whole life.� Really.� I can stare at my ratty old shoes, strum a guitar, and cry, too.� Shut up!
3135. Anybody who ends a sentence with the phrase �type deal� should be shot on site, you know� type deal. It�s annoying!
3136. The more and more I observe human nature, the more and more I conclude that an increasing number of people are living in spite of, not because of, the God in which they believe. Sad, really.
3137. It�d make for quite the water cooler fodder if you slipped a healthy quantity of aphrodisiac into the morning coffee pot at the office.� After you use it, of course.
3138. Here�s a little experiment. Dress up in a white cap, white overshirt, white undershirt, and white pants, and walk through New York�s or London�s SoHo section some time after Labor Day.� See how many people walk by you with appalled and/or disgusted looks on them.� I despise those hyper-tony fashionistas�
3139. For a random horoscope reading, print the following: �Something at least mildly bad will happen to you some time in the near future.� However, do not despair, for you will experience at least somewhat of a good thing in the next certain number of days.�� I�d be willing to bet that at least a quarter of the people who read their horoscope daily would be intrigued by this �forecast�.
3140. I have been seeing more often the word �dialogue� used as a verb.� �Let�s dialogue this situation.�� �Can I dialogue with you?�� Aarrghh, this is just a disgrace.� Whatever happened to �talk about� or �talk�? No, we have to sound all 21st century and fancy-business-talk-like, I guess.� �Dialogue� should not be a verb!
3141. Something else that really disturbs me about humanity is that an increasing number of people are using religion as a prop.� They lead profligate lives, but they feel like they can eliminate the guilt from no matter what they commit by leaning on their God for forgiveness whenever they do something awful.� Religion is sort of a safety net to them.� It�s there if they fall, but they don�t really think about it until they do fall, and only then are they of a mind to invoke their God.
3142. I would really love to hear an album where some death-metal band with one of those lead vocalists with an obnoxious, throaty scream of a voice does covers of common children�s songs. When you really think about it, a Slipknot version of �The Hokey-Pokey� or �If You�re Happy And You Know It� would sound really interesting.
3143. It would be distinctively more interesting if you took the �Hallelujah chorus� from Handel�s �Messiah� and made it the �gingivitis chorus�.� Get the Harlem Boys� Choir in there and see if they can sing it seriously.
3144. What fascinates me to no end is the phenomenon of the unattainable crush.� It�s when someone has an infatuation with a celebrity� movie star, TV personality, popular music figure, what have you. I never had one.� Why?� Because I had no idea what these people are really like.� They could be a real jerk or a snob in reality. But those nutty people, oh, no, they don�t care. They�re hot, they�re dre-e-e-eamy, oh, I want to have their children and live with them forever�
3145. Yeah, Shakespeare was this great playwright, and all, but there�s one thing that really leaves me mystified. How can a man with such a large body of work, who�s written that many plays, not once include a monologue extolling the vast benefits of cheese?� Listen, Bill, you�re really great and all, but no cheese monologues? Where�s the love?! It�s cheese, man!
3146. When we were in kindergarten, and now, when we�re much older, there really isn�t much of a difference in how we view the opposite gender.� In kindergarten, we said, �Eww, girls are icky,� or �Eww, boys are icky.� The only different between then and now is that we still think each other is icky, but we also simultaneously want to marry them, and have their children� or already have done one or both.� We knew more about life when we were in kindergarten than we thought�
3147. It�s time for me to chime in on the �men in touch with their feminine side� issue. I guess the buzzword is �metrosexual� here. Oh, God, I hate it.� I am not metrosexual, nor do I believe it healthy for any male human (or other animal, for that matter) to be metrosexual. If you are male, you should not spend more than $15 for a haircut.� You should never wear a dress shirt that either partially or wholly is sheer. And you should not look in any mirror or other reflective material, for the purpose of grooming yourself, more than one, maybe two, times a day.� Please!
3148. I�d like to present my vote for Most Annoying and Needless cover of a Ballad Of All Time to be that oh-so-faux cover of Percy Sledge�s �When a Man Loves a Woman� by none other than that noted pop-standard balladeer, Michael Bolton.� Oh, gag me now.� No, really.� Gag me.
3149. Good way to alienate yourself at any party: try to start conversations by saying, �Damn, I get twitches in the weirdest places sometimes.� How �bout you guys?� Any twitches?�
3150. Be very, very careful about what you do or say to a premed in college.� My advice to you is this: don�t ever make an enemy of a premed. Because, one day, they�ll have the scalpel in their hands� and you might be under it.
3151. If you can train two squirrels to perform various ballroom dances on command, call me. I want to hire you to entertain at my next birthday party. No, seriously, I would. I�d love to see it.� Really.
3152. Cheesy European porn flick title: �The Czech Is In the Female.�
3153. Watch out, world, I�m a double threat now.� I�m a geek, but now� I�m armed with hairspray and hair gel.� Oh, please, God help you all, Super-Suave-Geek Guy is on the loose�
3154. A healthy hint: if you see your surgeon roll in his cart of tools, and all you see is a butter knife, a salad fork, and some parsley garnish, you should start to think about screaming in dire panic just about then.
3155. I recently came across a book title, �Why Liberals Hate America�, written by (yep, you guessed it!) a conservative.� And, I must say, he�s exactly right.� Liberals do hate America, damn straight.� There does not exist one single liberal who lives in the US that appreciates the precious value of freedom of choice, of speech, and of the press. Not one liberal American has ever treasured the inherent value of liberty, nor does any single liberal of the US ever appreciate the patriots who fought to gain or keep our freedom. Go, conservatives!!
3156. I know this sounds odd, but wouldn�t it be interesting to see the Pope at a discotheque? Clubbin� wit� da Pope, man!� Hey, he may be the Holy Father, leader of the Catholic Church, but, hey, even the Holy Father has to get down with his bad self and shake it all out some time, I�d say.� Am I right, or am I right?!
3157. If I were to ascend to the governorship of Connecticut, my first official act as governor would be to propose legislation to designate my domain's official nickname as the State of Confusion. If you know me, you'll get why. If you don't, thank your lucky stars that you don't.
3158. Is it possible to be "partially alone" or "a little bit alone"? So why say "all alone"?
3159. Something I would either have really, really wanted to see or really, really been repulsed by in my high-school health class: a "Miracle of Life" claymation video.
3160. So I'm watching a basketball game, and this guy swishes a three-ball from the corner of the court. And what does the announcer say but the worst possible thing to say to describe that shot: "He likes to stroke it in the corner." Oh, my God. Hello, bad word choice! Painful grimace...
3161. If you are looking for the Second Coming of Jesus, I can help you. Go to the Kenosha, Wisconsin, Wal-Mart and ask for Bob or Jim. They know where everything is in that place, trust me. They will be able to help you easily locate the Prince of Peace for your convenience.
3162. It is a curious phenomenon among humanity that human beings will spend exorbitant amounts of money on dumb useless fad toys, ones that will be outr� in the span of a few months anyway, just so they can say they have it, and just so they can dust it off in the future and brag to other people that they had it. Ooh, what a privilege...
3163. Our biggest roadblock to the evolution of humanity is that we are too stupid to realize that we're too stupid.
3164. If there were a film version of "Oliver Twist" with Ron Jeremy cast in the title role, would anyone take the movie seriously?
3165. As much respect as I have for animal trainers, I will not be impressed with one until I see a chicken who can recite the Gettysburg Address in eight different languages. Bonus points if it can do that on command in the language you tell them.
3166. If any of you genetic engineers has any spare time in your hands, I'd really love to see a monkey who can play the soprano saxophone while making weird faces and bobbing his head at random angles like it's trying to charm a snake. Oh... wait a minute, never mind. You already made Kenny G. I almost forgot. Silly me!
3167. I would like to congratulate those genetic engineers for their successful clone of the aforementioned snake-charming monkey. They have thus created the first-ever cloned pair in history of talentless simian musicians. Ladies and gentlemen, introducing Kenny G and Michael Bolton.
3168. You know how, around the holiday season, those ads on TV and the radio have this festive, Christmassy music in the background? I'd like to hear what it'd sound like if they put a Kaopectate ad in front of some of that happy, jingly, sleigh-bell Christmas music.
3169. One little bothersome thing I find while clothes-shopping.� It kinda sticks out (�umm, should I use that phrase?) too much for my tastes. When I walk by the rack on which the packages (�not sure if I should use that word either�) of briefs are sold� well, let�s just say, whoa-ho-ho, you got a little too much up in front there. No thanks here.
3170. Just wondering� how would a monkey look if you gave it Rogaine?
3171. The previous Thought raises a number of curious questions.�� Is there ever such a thing as a balding monkey? If so, how funny would it be? Would it spiral into a midlife crisis when it notices its balding?� Would it bring all its remaining hair back into a ponytail, buy itself a pair of expensive shades, and go shopping for a little monkey motorcycle?� Would it start dating obscenely younger female monkeys? Just things to think about�
3172. What�s the difference between a monkey and a politician?� The monkeys actually pick the parasites out of their hair; the politicians leave them there and ask them for money.
3173. I get rather suspicious when I see the phrase �needs minor work� in a used car ad. I can picture someone going to look at that car and finding that the windshield is missing, the engine has been replaced by a small outboard motor, and the gear shaft is now that of a ten-speed bike.
3174. So I was walking to class one day, pondering a deep visual metaphor for the frustration and inutility of life. I walked by a lake right then, and saw a group of ducks trying to walk across the frozen surface. Most were struggling with their footing, some slipping and falling on the ice, their webbing providing little traction for the surface over which they were attempting, vainly, to traverse. I paused there, pondering that scene. Then I said to myself, �Nah� that won�t work,� and walked on.
3175. You know those combination spoons and forks?� What do they call them?� Sporks. Sporks!� What a dumb, awkward name.� You know what it should be called?� SpoFo.� Isn�t that the coolest name?!� SpoFo!
3176. Words to live by, courtesy rapper Missy �Misdemeanor� Elliott: �Put yer thang down, flip it, and reverse it.� Yeah, sure, Missy. Whatever.� (And if you have an explanation for these lyrics, you�re no better!)
3177. Useless factoid of the day: the core of a hydrogen bomb is about 850,000 times hotter than the boiling point of water.� Yowza. Make sure you use some potholders.
3178. You know how they sometimes show those humorous outtakes of films and TV shows? I would have loved to see the outtakes from �Gone With the Wind�.� Like where Vivien Leigh just couldn�t help from giggling giving Clark Gable bunny ears during the conflagration scene and seeing how long it took him to notice. Or when just before Mr. Gable utters the �Frankly, my dear� line, a fly buzzes in and lands on the tip of his nose. Surely something like that must have happened.
3179. When a girl walks into the room dressed all in black, just one thing immediately pops into my head. �Oh, my God.� Wow.� Look at her. That gal must be ultra-confident with her dandruff control shampoo.�
3180. Oh, goodness. What has science come to these days? There has been an actual study done that has concluded that there is no correlation between a man�s shoe size and penis size. Really.� I could have told you that.� Do you really think that there are as many men with 13-inch penises as there are with size-13 shoes?� �Cause, if there are, you really gotta start being concerned about those clowns, you know.
3181. Here are the two words that will automatically disqualify any television show or movie from any potential viewing prospects on my part: romantic comedy.� Oh, God, what a poisonous combination. Not only is it supposed to be funny, but also does the perfect boy get the perfect girl.� Not funny, not realistic.� Gag� me� now.
3182. People talk about �tiny little� things, like a baby�s �tiny little hands�, as if it were also possible to have �large little� or �tiny big� hands.� Yay for redundancy.
3183. And, by the way� it�s �decrepit�, not �decrepid�.� Say it right!
3184. Now, I�m not one to judge. But anybody who owns a car on which at least 90% of the back is covered with bumper stickers is someone at which I�d look askance.
3185. Actually� I stand corrected about that last Thought.� I am one to judge. I really don�t understand how people can say, �I�m not one to judge�.� Whether they know it, intend it, like it, notice it, or not, everyone judges everyone else.� Human nature is to do so.� You can�t get around looking at someone and having immediate thoughts about them.� It�s not your job to resist the natural impulse to judge; it�s up to you to get over your judgment if you get to know them.� And if you don�t get to know them� who cares?� Judge them!� What harm is it?!
3186. Egregious product misspelling turned Euro porno film title: �Hans Her Way�.
3187. I am like the appendix. You can�t deny I�m there, but nobody has really figured out quite what I�m there for.
3188. Some couples brag about or reminisce about where they conceived their children.� Judging by recent societal trends, I�m theorizing that an increasing number of these conceptions occurred disturbingly close to nuclear power plant reactor cores.
3189. Sometimes, fashion just makes you scratch your head.� I recently, as of this Thought, walked past a clothes store in a mall, and what I saw in that store really disturbed me.� At least three quarters of the clothes in that store, no lie, had some combination of jet black, pure white, and fluorescent pink on them.� Ugh.� I mean, who were the unfortunate flamingos and zebras who died for that cause�
3190. You know� I used to complain about the patronage of strip clubs, about the states of the lives of the people who go there. �But now, you know what? I really don�t care. If they want to get blind drunk and ogle partially or wholly nude strippers, that�s not my problem. I�m not going to tell them they can�t do it, or whine on how sad it is.� They can do what the hell they want, I�ve got bigger and better fish to fry.
3191. I wonder if Snoop Dogg has ever been to a family wedding reception at which he has done the Hokey Pokey or the Chicken Dance.� I�d�ve liked to have seen that.
3192. Speaking of Snoop Dogg and the Hokey Pokey� �You put your right hizzle in, you take your right hizzle out, you put your right hizzle in, and ya shizzle it all abizzle� you do the Hokizzle Pokizzle and ya tizzle yourself arizzle, that�s what it�s all abizzle!�
3193. Here�s another social experiment to try. Go into a restaurant carrying a legal pad and a pen, and start scribbling random things down once the waiter or waitress starts to serve you.� See if you get exceptional service and/or special treatment because they think you�re a food critic.
3194. PC language strikes again. It�s not �beer�, it�s not �alcohol�. It�s� adult beverage. Oh, God, please help me. Can you not say the word �beer� without offending anyone? �Oh my God, they called it a beer, Mommy, I�m gonna go cry in my adult beverage now��
3195. I have formulated a theory about late-night television.� At any given moment between 2 and 5 am can be applied what I call the �What The Hell Theorem�. It states that, at those given times, a minimum of 50% of all the channels of any given cable system will induce any given person to interject, �What the hell?!�� within 15 seconds of switching to the channel.
3196. Football refs often declare a �false start on the offense� or �offsides on the defense�. You can�t have a false start on the defense, nor can you have an offsides on the offense.� So why not just �offsides� or �false start�?
3197. Guy Code bylaw #6a: �Any male who voluntarily and without prompting browses and/or shops in any Bed, Bath, and Beyond or Bath and Body Works store shall be placed upon two months Guy Probation during which time he cannot declare himself a �Guy�.�
3198. Helpful, healthy hint: if your local family doctor insists that they must test you daily, three hours a day, for an inguinal hernia, then would be a splendid time to seek a new GP.
3199. If you meet a person whose greatest source of excitement in the past month is when they flipped to exactly the page in the dictionary on which their word appeared upon initially opening the book, congratulations� you have found a geek.
3200. You wanna take a risk as a new parent? Name your kid after the ancient Persian leader Xerxes.� On the plus side, your kid will have an original name� no one will forget it. He�ll be the only Xerxes on the block, for sure. On the minus side, he might face a little ribbing, sure, but the big thing is, good luck finding a personalized �Xerxes� novelty name license plate in any gift shop. Then again, if he decided to run for public office (God help him), he�d get some votes from the stupes just because of his name.
3201. I�ve learned one more thing about humanity.� It is that I will never, ever ask, again, �How dumb can you get?!�, even rhetorically. It�s best not to tempt them any further.
3202. Philip Morris has said that they are active in anti-smoking campaigns.� Really.� This sounds like some sweet, sweet candy.� They can tell the public what they want to hear, but, honestly, I�m not fooled. Sure, they can be involved in some token activity somewhere.� But, come on, here. With all the money-grubbers in that company, don�t you think there�s some conflict of interest here? Would they make that much of an effort on people�s well-being to reduce their profits?� Niiiiiice try there!
3203. Contrary to popular dumb-guy belief, Zorro the �gay blade� was a literary and action-movie hero. It was not what Paul Lynde named his pocketknife.
3204. More and more often, I hear people whine and complain that others do not know the difference between Democrats and Republicans, that they�re ignorant on what issue viewpoints make for what party belief.� Well� people, that�s not ignorance, it�s reality.� There is no difference between the two parties anymore! There are no more Democrats or Republicans anymore, only politicians.
3205. You know� I don�t even know why I bother capitalizing �democratic� and �republican� anymore. Capitalizing is one way to show respect, and I have an absolute lack of respect for those people. So I shan�t ever capitalize those two despicable words again.
3206. Here�s a nice way to observe the human condition.� When you�re in a crowd of people, say, at a shopping mall, pause and shout, �Go, IBS! Yay for Irritable Bowel Syndrome! Woo-hoo!!�� If you�re up to it, bring a pair of pompons, and jump around waving them.
3207. Here�s an innovative idea I�d like to pass onto the IOC to spice up future Winter Olympic Games: one-, two-, and four-monkey bobsleigh.
3208. If you give a man a fish, he�ll eat for a day.� But if you teach a man to fish, he�ll come home smelling like a fish for a lifetime. You�d be better off teaching them how to cook and go to the grocery store.
3209. I think it would sound rather humorous to switch directly from a channel running an incontinence commercial to one featuring a stain remover advertisement.� Think of the possibility: �Need bladder control?� [click]� �Try new OxiClean Instant Spot Remover!�
3210. The bad thing about life is that, when you�re thinking about it, it always gets in the way and clouds your judgment.� Sometimes, I wish that life would go away for a while, just so I could think about it in peace. But, obviously and unfortunately, that will always be too much to ask.
3211. I love it when I see those packets of desiccant in pockets of new clothes on which the text admonishes, �Do not eat.�� Well, big, fat duh. Would you eat anything you found in the pockets of clothes you�ve never worn, anyway?
3212. You know how those so-called graffiti artists, in their ultimate moments of craftiness and glory, decide to change the 3�s on speed limit signs to 8�s? Do they actually think that�s original? Do they really think it�s funny?� And whom do they think they�re fooling?
3213. In 1830, there was a king of France called Louis XIX.� His real name was Charles Philippe.� On August 2, 1830� he ruled.� For 20 minutes. Yes, 20 minutes. I have taken showers that lasted longer. I have seen people take longer to chew a piece of meat. I have played longer games of Ping-Pong. And this dude� damn, he didn�t even have time to grab and eat a royal sandwich before he and France were Splitsville.� Wow. 20 freaking minutes�
3214. In a startling move just days before the recent Dumb Guy National Championships, several bald dumb guys withdrew from the competition after their discovery that the losers would receive some �lovely parting gifts�.� One dumb guy was quoted to say, �Sure, they may be lovely combs, but what would I need them for?�
3215. In life, you have to say just as many goodbyes as you say hellos.� Well, at least I have half of life down�
3216. I�m not one who�s really afraid of the dentist�s chair.� I know what good it can do.� But I do admit that it is a bit disconcerting to look down and see multiple splotches of red on the dentist�s or hygienist�s gloves and on my bib.
3217. American rap is awful. But European rap is just plain pathetically funny. From a continent whose ethnic history is almost entirely Anglo-Saxon, Slavic, Hellenic, or Roman, rap sounds absolutely, laughably awkward.� It is the sonic equivalent of Bill Gates� competing on �American Gladiators�.
3218. I chuckle when I hear and see ads proclaiming that customers can �save 50% off�. That�s like a double negative there. Basically, they�re saying that you are precluded from the 50% discount.� So if you �save 50% off�, you should literally be paying the full price.
3219. The more and more I see sitcom dads and guys, and TV males, for that matter, portrayed as ignorant, stupid, obsessed with looks and sex, insensitive, careless and awkward with their own children, and lazy, and the more often that this stereotypical portrayal is being transferred to real-life males, the more I am driven to lament the misfortune of the people in this world who committed the unspeakable deed of being born with a penis.
3220. How can you tell the dumb guy in the kitchen?� He�s the one trying to fill up the pot for a half-hour before you have to tell him it�s a strainer.
3221. Famous last words: �Actually, honey, that blouse does kinda make you look like you need to take off a few pounds, honestly.�� Yeah, that lip�ll be swollen for a couple weeks.
3222. A study has actually been done to determine that sex is �good for you�.� Why?� They say, of course, that it keeps you fit.� It burns calories. Yes, it took scientists to figure out that sex� burns calories.� FYI, just sitting there breathing burns calories. Hell, sleeping even burns calories. So you can have sex for 20 minutes, and I can sleep for hours, and we�d be getting a similar calorie burn. And that also may well happen to be a very accurate comparison of my social life and yours, as the case happens to turn out. Like Bill Gates� to Ron Jeremy�s�
3223. Chant heard at a recent basketball game from the Eastern Kenosha College of Podiatry Medicine student section: �You can only limp when you try to fight us� you�ve got plantar fasciitis! Swol-len tis-sue! [clap, clap, clapclapclap] Swol-len tis-sue!� [clap, clap, clapclapclap]�
3224. Response from the visiting fans of the Podiatry Institute of Northwestern Minneapolis: �Bunions, fungus, corns and warts� your feet foul up the nicest courts!� Ug-ly der-mis [clap, clap, clapclapclap]� Yeah, safe to say that EKCPM fans and PINWM fans have quite a vicious, deep-seated rivalry.
3225. The Atkins diet is just awful.� Awful! How is it that you can avoid carbohydrates for the rest of your life?� You lose weight, yes. But do you know how awful it is for your health?� You need sugar and starch.� You need other carbs. It affects your insulin level. You get fatigued or hyper. But people swear by it! They�ve lost so much weight, and they get aggressive and insulted at the very notion that you could suggest that it be bad for them. Don�t you think that the very fact of their being truculent says something about their psychological state?
3226. There is one almost-guaranteed way to get more people to do something: make it illegal. Because of human nature, it is the nth degree more palatable to humanity on the whole to do something if it�s against the rules rather than by the rules.� So, basically, it�s no damn fun if you do it and it�s okay.� It�s not exciting enough; people need the element of adventure to feel like it�s worth it.
3227. It is a proven fact that if someone�s car horn beeps �La Cucaracha�, their entire life is not to be taken seriously.
3228. It�s also proven that 53% of chipmunks suffer from depression and identity crisis because people keep calling them squirrels.
3229. I�ve seen adult store advertise for what they call �marital aids�.� What, so now even the most lewd of stores can�t say �sex toy�? Besides, many applications of those so-called �marital aids� have nothing to do with married people, I bet�
3230. There is only one letter of the alphabet that does not appear in any of the 50 United States� names; it�s Q. I think they should draft some sort of Constitutional Amendment to change that.� �Mississippi� has too many damn S�s.� It�s hogging the most common letters, that glutton. Let�s make it �Miqqiqqiqqi� and call it even, OK?
3231. All these supposedly �inspiring� names they make up for space exploration missions: Friendship, Spirit, Voyager, Apollo, Mir (�peace� in Russian)� oh, come on, scientists and government officials.� Lighten up, have a sense of humor.� How about the Viagra mission?� What about the Frontier Penis series?� Have you ever considered the Happy Smiley Furry Cute Stuffed Bunny Rabbit sequence? Try something new!
3232. SpongeBob SquarePants should be completely eradicated from the minds and bodies of people and animals everywhere. Cute?� Maybe for about 1.4 seconds.� Annoying?� Yes!! That this animated absorption device has become a cultural phenomenon says quite a lot of where humanity is headed. What�s next, SpongeBob sea salt-flavored condoms?� This Sponge doesn�t suck stuff up, it just sucks.
3233. It is a proven fact that whenever someone attempts to do an imitation of a sports broadcaster, they will always name their imaginary partner Bob, Jim, or Joe.
3234. It is also a proven fact that whenever someone attempts to do an imitation of a game show host, they will always name their imaginary announcer Johnny.
3235. I�m sick of the motif in pop music that someone who is so depressed need only see the face of someone to snap out of it.� Ugh, so overwrought, so schmaltzy.� You know what lyric I�d love to hear?� One like this: �Just at the moment / That I felt like I couldn�t go on anymore / I saw your face right there / Oh, great, not only am I so depressed / But now I gotta throw up too.� For all you hopeless romantics out there.
3236. Life is a little like the Hydra. Once you answer one question, once you think you solve any problem, more questions always arise from any conclusion you ever make.� But, unlike Hercules, we�ll never slay this many-headed monster. No matter how many questions you answer, more keep popping up from our solutions.� This is why life is both so frustrating and never boring.
3237. Math thesis: �On The Probability That The English Department Will Publish My Thesis Entitled �Shakespeare�s Mother Was a Whore� �.
3238. I hadn�t thought that there could be such a thing.� But I have formulated a select group of people, namely, virtually all rappers and hip-hoppers and most Hollywood actors and actresses, plus a few others, who can actually be described as �rich despite their profession�.
3239. It is a proven fact that whenever a female game show contestant describes her husband, she will always use the adjective �wonderful�.
3240. It is also a proven fact that whenever a male game show contestant describes his wife, he will always use the adjective �beautiful� or �lovely�.
3241. A yearly Super Bowl Sunday TV tradition topped only by Big Game coverage: Lifetime�s annual Ultrafeminist Whiners� Bowl!� �While those awful men are burping, getting drunk, swinging their guts around, and watching a sport that involves absolutely nothing except for overweight men grunting and shoving each other around and homoerotically jumping on top of each other while sweating, we women, who are infinitely better than men, can watch movies with more emotion than all the men in history have ever been capable of showing combined!� Watch such classics as �Beaches� and �Sleepless in Seattle�! Go estrogen!!�
3242. In the 1960s and 1970s, bands which dared to be different were the most popular. See the Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Steely Dan, and The Who, among many others.� Now, the band which are most popular all sound the damn same.� All these modern emo and so-called punk bands, their lead singers all have the same high-pitched, whiny, plaintive, annoying voice, no matter if they�re singing a sad ballad or an upbeat rocker.� Bands today don�t really take much risk, yet fans today reward this unoriginality.
3243. There should be a World Deer-In-The-Headlights Look Championships competition.� You know who should be official judges for it? Al Gore and George W. Bush.� Hell, �cause they damn near have that look trademarked, they got it down so well.
3244. Many food containers have reclosable packages.� Does this mean that Ron Jeremy� goodness, I don�t even have to bother finishing this joke�
3245. Some food products are labeled to be ready to eat right out of the package.� Well, actually, the way I see it, every food product is ready to eat right out of the package.� It just depends on the level of your bravery.
3246. There�s just something about the uvula that intrigues me� I can�t quite put my finger on it, though.
3247. There are commercials that try to suck up to their audience by saying something like, �For someone who works as hard as you do�, or �is as smart as you are�, or �is as important as you are�. I don�t think these ad execs know whom they�re dealing with.� Much of their audience really isn�t that motivated, smart, or important enough for those statements to be positive.
3248. What was the credo of the longtime traditional executioner?� Of course, �there�s no noose like good noose�.
3249. Sportscasters speak of �seasoned veterans� as if it were also possible to be a �seasoned rookie� or a �novice veteran�.
3250. As the youngest in a long family line of tree surgeons, it is always important to look back on one�s roots.
3251. An image that I�d really like to see is a bunch of construction workers, in hard hats, work boots, dungarees, and all, lined up, arm in arm, precariously balanced on a scaffold 25 stories above the ground, doing a rousing, leg-kicking version of �New York, New York�.
3252. �Why?�, asks one of my peers who peruses this list. Okay, this is a fair question. But, to that, I answer, �Why not?� Who doesn�t fantasize about weird images every so often?� [pause] Well, okay, who fantasizes about weird images like that as often as I do?� Nobody.� But� um, that�s not the point.� Uh� what was the point I was trying to make?� Okay, I forgot.� But� well, never mind.� Anyway, don�t be surprised at these weird images� consider the person who�s had the last 3251 Thoughts!� [Note: The italicized �Why?� was written in pencil by one of my peers in the notebook in which these Thoughts are written.]
3253. Brace yourself, this is one of the worst puns you�ll see from me.� What did the benevolent billiards player say before each game in the Baghdad pool hall?� �I rack!�
3254. If goldfish are kept in a darkened room long enough, they will turn white.� Aha, so that�s what happened to Michael Jackson!
3255. Here�s a dilemma. You�re watching a game show with, say, your parents. A question comes up that you know the answer to, but you don�t really want to answer it because you don�t want them to know that you know the answer.� Do you feign ignorance to avoid being embarrassed? Or do you answer the question, defeating your own sense of ignorance guilt but risking yourself some unwanted ribbing? Yes, I struggle with these types of questions on a daily basis�
3256. Here�s an Olympic event I�d really like to see: tag-team curling.
3257. Here�s another Olympic event I�d really like to see: 4x500m luge relay.� Just the thought of lugers trying to get in and out of a sled on the fly at 100-130 km/h�
3258. I get a kick out of the French and English when they call us arrogant.� Sure, we are arrogant in the U.S.� But damn if that ain�t the pot calling the kettle black�
3259. People who think they know everything know just as much as dumb people do.� Except dumb people look better doing it.
3260. For all you non-physics people out there, the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle does not state that what you think you know for an exam is directly proportional to what you�re not really sure of while you take the exam.� But it might as well say that.
3261. Is there such a thing as a comedian who does not have a significant other, has not recently experienced a breakup, does not see a therapist, does not live in an apartment, is not currently or recently unemployed, or has not recently been to a bar?
3262. Did you hear about the paranoid dumb guy who forgot to shave?� He was afraid of his own five-o�clock shadow.
3263. I wonder what percentage of prisoners has ever used their �one phone call� to dial up a 1-900 sex line. There has to be a statistic somewhere�
3264. It is a proven fact that a sportscaster will, on any given sportscast, affirm at least five statements with the word �absolutely� in the pregame show, postgame show, and/or after the game.
3265. Here�s something for the NCAA to look into organizing: the Drunken College Mascot With Costume On Backwards Challenge of Champions.
3266. Come to think of it, trees are the only things that can leave and stay where they are at the same time. Think about it�
3267. How do you spot a nervous archer? Of course, by his quiver.
3268. What was the football referee�s biggest concern on his wedding night?� That he wouldn�t get whistled for a false start or illegal motion.
3269. How do you get a dumb guy stuck in a tree?� Point out a date palm to him, then tell him to climb it and not come down until he�s made a calendar from all the dates.
3270. I had a pun about Caramello candy bars, but I decided against writing it.� It turned out to be too much of a stretch.
3271. I also had a pun about a defunct mint, but I decided not to use it.� It just doesn�t make cents anymore.
3272. I had yet another pun, this one about the ionosphere.� But I won�t bother telling it; it�s way over your head.
3273. And, finally, I conceived a fourth pun, about quicksand.� I�ll keep it to myself, though; I have a sinking feeling that you�d be in over your head if you heard it.� (I swear, I�m done now!)
3274. If dogs had their own world (which I�m sure some paranoids think actually to exist secretly), how many of them do you think would have a painting hung on their doghouse wall of humans playing poker on all fours?
3275. Interesting sonic experiment: set three cell phones� ringtones to �Row Row Row Your Boat�, and call all three phones, one after the other, on just the right delay.� See if they all harmonize correctly.
3276. Depraved are the souls of the Johnson clan who name their child Richard.
3277. Healthy tip: if you have a missing bird, and you receive an envelope in the mail, with no return address, the contents of which are two wing feathers, a splotch of bird excrement, and a tape recording of three minutes of menacing-sounding squawking noises with muffled chirps in the background, then is the time to be both very concerned and weirdly perplexed about the whereabouts of your bird.
3278. I have a lifelong dream that I know, sadly, will never be realized.� I want to be that foreign guy in the televised international swimming competitions, like the Olympics, who says, �Ready�� and makes that cool buzzer noise.
3279. Sometimes, I get spam about penis enlargements.� I�ve got to do a little La-Z-Boy psychology here, wondering about the spammers themselves. Do you all feel like you need to offer these products to the public to mask your own insecurities on the subject? Do you want to add 3 inches of rock-hard steel to your manhood?� Do you want her to say, �Oh, my God, it�s big�? Would you like to have a ferocious beast in your pants?� Do you need a bigger member?� I think you do! How do you like it, now?!
3280. I would love to � check that, be rather interested to � hear a set from a band that claims their only two influences to be Hootie and the Blowfish and Slipknot.
3281. I would love to study the works of Socrates, Plato, and Euripides, really� but it�s all Greek to me.
3282. Two barbers were arguing over who had the better comb.� And even though one barber had clearly won the debate, the loser could not help but to throw in some parting shots.� [rim shot, quickly fading pun laughter]
3283. You know those bands whose lead singers sing in nothing but guttural screams that sound more like the merciless slaying of an impala in the African plains than a meaningful attempt to convey music? For the hell of it, I�d love to hear one of them come out with a song entitled �I Lost My F***ing Puppy Dog And Mommy�s Putting Up The G**d**n Flyers Today�.
3284. So I picked up a 24-case of Pepsi from the cart to carry it to the car.� I grabbed it with the handle, and, just as I was about to put my other hand on the bottom of the case to support it, the handle broke off, and several cans came barrelling out.� What was written on the piece of cardboard remaining in my hand? �Easy to carry�.
3285. Beethoven wrote �F�r Elise� as a love song. If he knew how damn often it is reduced to a ringtone, a sequence of electronically synthesized beeps, for freaking cellular phones, he�d be tossing and turning in his grave.
3286. Ad execs have to learn one thing. No matter how much crazy fonts, peppy music, cartoon characters smiling, funny noises, and artificially excited schoolchild-esque actors you use in your commercials, you will not convince children to be positive about going back to school. There� is� no� way. My advice?� Don�t even use the phrase �back to school�.
3287. You know how many skydivers loudly scream, �Oh, my God!!� as they jump out of the airplane? Now that�s what I call a leap of faith.
3288. Did you hear about the cannibal whose wife didn�t agree with him?
3289. If I want to learn one thing� just one thing� about life, before I leave this mundane world, it would be this.� What is the per capita taco consumption in Germany?� Seriously.� I want to know. No, really.
3290. When humans lose vision in one eye, they lose virtually all of their depth perception, yet, in some states, they can still get a driver�s license.� How in the world can you possibly drive having hardly any depth perception?!
3291. You know it hasn�t been a very profound day when the biggest epiphany of the entire day comes when you come to the odd realization that Al Stewart�s hit �Time Passages� works very well with slow-motion table tennis highlights.� (Well, it does�!)
3292. If an interior decorator would ever become Director of Homeland Security, chances will be very good that there will be another level added to the terrorism �color code� hierarchy: paisley.
3293. Old crossword constructors never die; they just go 6-down.
3294. I realize that, even though Texas is an unabashedly republican state, there are indeed democrats found in the Lone Star State.� They�re all hanging from the rafters, though.
3295. It bugs me to hell when people try to avoid saying things that are inevitable to be said for as long as possible. People never learn that the longer that inevitable things are drawn out, the longer they procrastinate about things unavoidable, the worse and worse it�ll always get.
3296. The more and more episodes of �The Price Is Right� I see, the more I�m convinced that Barker�s Beauties are battery-powered and/or strung like marionettes.
3297. Speaking of �The Price Is Right�, and Barker�s Beauties, when contestants have to bid on a �lovely chest�, are they pricing the bureau, or is this referring to the models?
3298. What a sports analyst says: �It was a solid performance� a solid win.�� What the analyst means: �Yeah, they were just barely good enough to win the game. I can�t really think of anything good to say about them.�
3299. What a sports analyst says: �They really toughed it out today.�� What the analyst means: �They should have beaten this team by a lot more. They really sucked wind. They were lucky to escape with the cartilage on their noses.�
3300. Oh, sure, Leonardo da Vinci could write in Latin with one hand and write the Greek translation of it with the other hand simultaneously.� But could he have worked a picture-in-picture TV to keep tabs on three games at the same time? I think not. Hah!� Tim 1, Leo 0. That�s right.
3301. Remember way back in elementary school, when they taught us to obey authority unquestioningly because they knew everything that was good for us?� Remember way back in elementary school, when they taught us in history class that a certain bunch of revolutionaries who were tired of obeying authority unquestioningly because they knew that their authority knew very little about what was good for them decided to do something about that and formed an independent country called America in the process?
3302. Presumably, you�ve seen paintings of Benjamin Franklin.� I don�t know if it�s just my perspective, but give him longer hair, he�s almost a dead ringer for the singer Meat Loaf.� Have that in your mind whenever you pay with a $100 bill�
3303. How ironic would it be if you were asked on a psychology test what the function of the hippocampus is� and you didn�t remember?
3304. If I had my hands full and an itch was on my eyebrow, what percentage of people would scratch it if I asked them to?� And how long would they spend scratching?
3305. Would it be too hideously inappropriate to call tougher enforcement of plumbers� practices a �crackdown�?
3306. If Sigmund Freud ever misspoke and let out something risqu�, what would he have said? �Whoops� my slip!�?
3307. It�s not bad working with an edgy switchboard operator.� Just make sure you don�t push his buttons.
3308. It is a proven fact that if someone in a crows of at least 20 people says, �And there was much rejoicing,� at least one person, in their best dull Monty Python voice will say, �Yay.�
3309. The more and more I know college students, the more and more I am let on to a rather odd and frightening plan to redefine boldly the limits of consecutive time for sock-wearing.
3310. Many Christians believe that gay marriage is a horrible thing because it suggests in the Bible that homosexuality is a sin.� It also suggests in the Bible that it is okay to trade people for goats. Should we start doing that now, too?
3311. The word �redouble� means the same thing as �double�.� Shouldn�t redoubling mean quadrupling?� Leave it to the English language�
3312. Do you think that Mrs. Potato Head would ever have said that Mr. Potato Head was �great in the sack�?
3313. Humans on Earth have an interesting habit of trying to seek, and pondering about, life somewhere else in the universe. And, being the ironist that I am, I'm pretty sure � check that, damn near positive � that, not only is there life somewhere in the universe, but also have some of these beings already ascertained that we exist, know that we are looking for creatures like them, and are laughing, pointing, and blowing raspberries at us at this very moment.
3314. In some greeting-card stores, I see racks labeled "Anniversary for the happy couple." What I want to see are anniversary cards specially written for the bitter couple.
3315. I enjoyed watching the annual landfill company basketball game. The one thing, though, that really bothered me was the inordinate amount of trash talking.
3316. If laborers who need protective clothes are called blue-collar, and those who wear better clothes white-collar, then what are strippers called?
3317. So I was driving right in front of an 18-wheeler, and I was looking in my rearview mirror. I then noticed that the plate on the front of the truck read "Usuzi". This struck me as unusual; I had never heard of an Usuzi vehicle. Then I came to an epiphany. I was looking in a rearview mirror. Silly me, it was an Isuzu.
3318. Funny how punk rock was originally about rebellion from all the other "commercial" rock sounds, and now they who all want to sound the same as each other and try to be obnoxiously commercially popular are the ones calling themselves punk rockers. Hah!
3319. Add these people to the list of those whom I can do without: anyone who owns the entire Smash Mouth discography. As if that were something anyone would readily admit to, anyway...
3320. Let it be said that "Why?" is never, ever, an unreasonable question. Nor is "Because I said so" ever an adequate response. Everybody, be it a young child or a high-ranking corporate official, has a right to know a rationale for what they do, and that anyone who either got an unsatisfactory answer or a reason that is unreasonable to them has the inherent, unquestionable right to refuse to follow through on an unwarranted directive.
3321. I�d�ve liked to have heard Bob Dylan take a crack at writing a song about transvestite lesbians.� Why? I don�t know� wouldn�t you find a Bob Dylan lyric about transvestite lesbians potentially intriguing?
3322. I don�t know about what goals you have in mind for life, but one of my big ones is to get a picture of Mick Jagger�s or Steven Tyler�s face during consumption of a Sour Apple candy.
3323. It is a tremendous irony that the same society that can design an incredibly complicated vehicle with incredibly complicated machinery that can transport people and objects outside the Earth�s gravitational field also needs metal-lidded trash cans that say �Push� on them.
3324. Only typical human nature can produce a hundreds-of-millions-of-dollars space probe to send to explore and photograph the planet Mars and then totally blow the money because some lunkhead, nutbrain scientist mixed up metric and English measurement. I myself might as well have tied a digital camera to a balloon and let it go; I would waste only about $300, but it would have worked just as well.
3325. Many people talk of having to deal with their personal demons.� Does that mean that Satanists say they cope with personal Jesuses?
3326. Those people who say that you can put a seashell in your ear and hear the ocean in it apparently don�t realize that you hear just about the same sound, only a bit softer, when you cup your hand around your ear.� It�s the sound of the blood flowing in your ear, dumbhead.� And your hand didn�t come from the beach�
3327. You know the sound a crosswalk light makes, for blind people, when you cross the street� the long tone followed by the short warning tones?� I�d like to hear how it would sound if you threw that sound in with the �Wheel of Fortune� �bankrupt� noise in a techno remix.
3328. By close and careful examination of soap operas, I have officially decided to watch them. By the phrase �close and careful examination�, I mean �watching five minutes�.� By �soap operas�, I mean �tasteless melodramas�.� And by �them�, I mean �ants playing shuffleboard in Antarctica�.
3329. Contrary to popular dumb guy belief, �thrust and parry� is an �p�e term.� It is not the name of a Raymond Burr porno.
3330. Rejected Oscar category: �Best Potato Rolling Scene By a Comedy Duo�.
3331. Remember the old game show �Card Sharks�? Well, they got it all wrong. There�s no such expression; they�re saying it wrong.� It�s �cardsharp�, not �card shark�.� And if you don�t believe me� look it up!
3332. Let me get this straight. If it�s a current fashion, it�s �in�. It�s cool.� If it�s a little bit out of date, say, a couple years, it�s �pass�. It�s not cool anymore. But if it�s juuuust far enough out from �pass�, they call it �retro�� and somehow it becomes cool again. Yet� if it�s older than �retro�, it�s called �ancient� or �outdated�.� It�s hurdled past cool, not cool, and cool again to become not cool again. If you understand why it works like this, you�re a better man than I, Gunga Din�
3333. The Tommy Tutone Law of Ignorance: in the song �867-5309 (Jenny)�, 90% or more of the population will never know any lyrics besides �867-5309�.� (Hey, I don�t either�)
3334. I�m theorizing that, judging by current trends in technology, computers will take over all of society to the point that the only useful purposes that human beings will eventually serve will be to belch and quote beer commercials.
3335. Can you imagine what it might have sounded like if the makers of the movie �Gandhi� got a hold of the songwriters for the �Flipper� theme song when the songwriters were feeling rather uncreative? �They call him Gandhi, Gandhi, passive resister��
3336. All right, this really bugs me. Okay� two of these, )( , are �parentheses�.� Right? So what is one ) or ( called? Parenthesis.� Not �parenthese�!� One parenthesis, two parentheses.� Not one �parenthese�!� Get it right�
3337. Recently before the writing of this Thought, I espied a bird, perhaps a rail or plover, coming out of a lake, waddling on the ground, and proceeding to try and eat some of the bird droppings on the ground.� I challenge any English professor to provide a creative symbolistic interpretation of plovers eating bird poop.
3338. I�d like to see the results from an NCAA Basketball Tournament office pool of the Psychic Friends Network.
3339. A curious, trendy word is sneaking its way into the English language: �faidoller�. For example, �You got faidoller I could borrow?� Since when has the �v� and the �s� disappeared from �five dollars�?
3340. It is a proven fact that 95% of movies that contain at least one explosion, no matter how relevant, will contain at least one of those explosions in the promo.
3341. The verb is �pronounce�. The noun is �pronunciation�. What the hell happened to the �o�?!
3342. One of the most desperate situations that one will ever encounter in a normal life is the point on an airplane flight, just after the meal is served, when you, sitting in the window seat, experience a very strong urge to have to go to the bathroom. You have to wait until you�re finished, the persons in the middle and aisle seats are finished, and the flight attendants have taken care of everyone�s trays.� Yeah.� That�s not too fun of an experience.
3343. It�s rather disturbing to observe people who feel that the world owes them something, that they are entitled to certain select privileges, that they expect simply to be handed things because of their status.� No.� You are born with nothing, and you die with a lot more, be it materially, spiritually, or both.� Judging by that transaction, I�d think that you owe the world for its humble generosity to you.� It is damn haughty to suggest that you, per se, deserve much of anything.
3344. Cheesy, very rejectable pickup line: �Can I put my bop in your bop-shu-bop-shu-bop?�
3345. Up there on the �things I wouldn�t want my surgeon to say� list: �Hey, where�s the on/off switch on this thing?� Whoops! Slow down there!�
3346. Now, I wouldn�t mind my surgeon singing during the operation if it helps them relax. As long as the song isn�t �the red thing�s connected to the� green stuff, the green stuff�s connected to the� blue tube��
3347. Be wary of a surgeon whose entire practice is based on a series of strange mnemonic devices and a deck of tarot cards.
3348. This pun is so bad, it�s not even good. What do you call the battle cry of a Southern army officer on the attack?� Of course, the surgin� general�s warning.
3349. Did you hear about the talkative cannibal who kept chewing everyone�s ear off?
3350. Did you also hear about that pathologically lying brother whom the cannibal found hard to swallow?
3351. Something else I wouldn�t want my surgeon to say: �Check out those new power tools, guys!�
3352. I�m a bit perplexed about this practice among fast food restaurantgoers.� They�re given an empty cup in which to fill their own drinks. The fountains pour out cold beverages already, right? So why bother putting ice in the cup first?� First, you�re decreasing the volume of the beverage you actually get, second, the ice will melt if you drink slowly enough, and third, as I said, the drink is cold enough already! I don�t see a reason for putting ice in fast-food beverages.
3353. I can make a pretty good guess as to what you�re thinking after reading the previous Thought. And yes, I was as passionate as it seemed I was about ice in fast food establishments.� Yes, my rancor was passionately fueled by a $2 item. God, I have no freaking life.
3354. How did the insurance salesman meet his future wife on a rainy day?� He offered her umbrella coverage, of course.
3355. Did you hear about the two Krazy Glue manufacturers who got married?� It was a great story.� From the moment they met, they were inseparable.
3356. You know what? You never hear about people who have sex to books on tape. Smart people have sex too! (Contributed by Phil Dietrich� thanks Phil!)
3357. I think my biggest pet peeve of all is immaturity.� Be ignorant, be dishonest, be ill-tempered, be spiteful.� I�d really rather have you be any of those things than to be immature. Sure, you can have fun and act like a kid sometimes in that fun.� That�s fine.� But when you start dealing with your problems like you�re six years old, all that shows is that you cannot be a reasonable person, that you cannot, or (more likely) are too lazy to, think about and deal with situations with the basic aplomb and rationality with which you should.
3358. Captain of the All-Food Product Mascot Porn-Star-Name Team: Chester Cheetah.
3359. The Law of Obvious Rubberneckers: if one person in a group of people all looking the same way turns their head at least 60� from straight ahead, at least 30% of the people in the group will turn their heads to look in the same direction as the one turning their head.
3360. I hold a tremendous amount of respect for those guys who can figure out how to make all those silly cartoon sound effect noises.� Maybe I�m dramatizing this a bit too much, but those guys are freaking geniuses. I just have to say that any man who can find a way to make that �boi-oi-oi-oing� sound is, in my book, one of the most influential people in entertainment.� Nay� in history.
***end of Random Croce Thoughts Book
II***
3361. Future generations will look back on this list and think one of two things: either �Hey, this guy has some intelligent observations and conclusions about society and the world,� or �Hey, this dude is one really f�d up individual with either a serious case of dementia or a microchip implanted in his right ear that only receives signals from the polar bear cave at the Bronx Zoo.�� Trust me when I tell you that the latter is a more likely conclusion.
3362. I�m becoming more and more frustrated with the music industry.� Why?� Well, it�s those new CDs, of course.� When you open the jewel case for the first time, it feels like you�re gonna break the damn disc when you try to pull it out of its holder thing.� All this modern technology out there, you�d figure they could think up an easy way for you to get the damn CD out of the case without feeling like it�s gonna break.
3363. Bull testicles, considered a delicacy, are Rocky Mountain oysters.� What would they call human testicles if they were a delicacy? [shudder]
3364. Chrysler PT Cruisers are so damn ugly, I wouldn�t be caught dead in one.� No, really.� If I were dead in one, I would quite possibly wake up just to go and be dead in another car. I swear, I wouldn�t want that kind of legacy.
3365. �Ben�, by Michael Jackson, was, I�m quite sure, the only love song about a rat to reach number one on the Billboard pop charts.� I�m sure because I know that no one wrote a number-one hit about Michael Bolton.
3366. It�s rather scary how Elvis Presley was similar to Jesus.� He had a dedicated group of followers and even worshippers.� Countless shrines were dedicated to him.� Some hung on his every word.� He was (and still is) imitated all the time. Goodness, and if you talk to some people, they�d tell you he�s up from the dead somewhere.� Knowing America, I would not be surprised to see a religious sect with Elvis Presley as its deity.� (Geez, and you know them both by their first names, too!� Elvis� Jesus!)
3367. I have become aware, via the Internet, of a Japanese fan club of � yes, you guessed it � ZZ Top. Yes, exactly.� A down-home, Southern blues-rock band has a fan club in eastern Asia. It�s kinda like finding a Slipknot fan club in the heart of Amish country.
3368. What did the hockey announcer say when he caught the goalie downloading porno onto his computer? �Click, save, and a booty!�
3369. You know you�re on a third-rate airline flight when the in-flight entertainment consists entirely of hours and hours of what they call �Charades with Petey the Salted Peanut�.
3370. You know you haven�t been instilled with the greatest of security confidences when the only checkpoint you encounter at the airport between the entrance and the terminal consists of a random guy, still in his bathrobe, asking you, �Yo, dude� are you a terrorist? Okay.�
3371. You had figured that there was something wrong with your thought process, but you pretty much confirmed your problems when your neurologist was forced to designate an entirely new classification for the material in just your brain, �bright yellow and turquoise-spotted matter�.
3372. I see stealth bombers, stealth helicopters, stealth fighter jets, and such.� But I will not be impressed until I see rolling off the lines stealth tricycles.� That�s what we need. An army of stealth tricyclists.
3373. I�d like to nominate for the �most mildly annoying/frustrating period of time� award the interval between which you have finished the apple and when you have finally found a garbage can in which you can relieve yourself of the sticky, juicy residuum that is rapidly accumulating on your fingers.
3374. You know how, when they show championship trophy presentations on TV, the athletes make these acceptance speeches and the camera points to whomever the athlete indicates when they�re in the crowd?� I�d imagine that there have been some urges by cameramen to pan upward to the sky whenever the athletes thank their God.
3375. The Law of Echoes: out of any group of people that goes into a spacious room, at least one of them will make some sort of sharp, loud, short noise to test the extent of echoes in that room.
3376. There are way too many �Law and Order� series on television.� You know what?� I�m half thinking of starting a semiorganized movement to put a check on this rampancy that has flooded the airwaves and taken its fierce chokehold on the minds of many, many people.� Stop the insanity now� before we get �Law and Order: Elementary School Unit�. �We�ve got to get to the scene immediately, someone�s called in a pencil theft��
3377. There are two kinds of sports fans. There are those who simply root for their teams faithfully.� And then there are those who believe that virtually every call that goes against their team must be incorrect.� I call those fans �one-track-mind lunkheads with blinders on�. Goodness, accept that your teams can actually do things wrong sometimes and don�t blame it on the damn refs.
3378. Baseball Roster Law #1: every team on the major league level will, at all times, contain at least one pitcher and one position player whom broadcasters will describe as �burly�.
3379. The problem wasn�t that the dumb guy was trying to be chivalrous by holding the door open for a lady. The problem was that it was a revolving door.
3380. Should be an FCC provision: it should not be allowed for commercials for hair trimming and removal products to show before-and-after close-up shots of bikini lines. It�s just wrong, okay?
3381. A word (no, a plea) to ad execs everywhere.� Please� please� don�t do the talking animals anymore.� No more.� Stop!
3382. Who says Prince is the only guy who can change his name into a symbol?� Hell, I�m not one to be outdone.� That�s right, you�re currently reading the work of ≥, the Thinker Formerly Known As E.F. Croce.
3383. The next time you watch a newscast, notice how many times any of the newspeople say the phrase �that�s right�. They say it to make a transition from one newscaster to another.� Well, we should hope it�s right, it�s the damn news.� Figure out a better transition�
3384. Here�s something you�ll never see; a female name written in the snow.� If you do see one, let me know.� Really.
3385. Human thighbones have been determined to be stronger than concrete.� Damn, I�d�ve hated to be a test subject in that experiment�
3386. The lyric �not too blind to see�, or the like, has appeared in way too many pop songs. That right there is proof positive that pop lyricists hook onto lyrics that sound profound, but really aren�t, and use them over and over until they run the damn things into the ground like freaking pile drivers.� �Love you till the end of time� is another good one.� It bugs me to hell.
3387. Surely you�ve been assigned to write a poem as part of a class assignment at least once. I take offense to this practice. You can�t just be expected to think of a poem under a deadline, much less because you have to do one.� The best poems come out because the poet was duly inspired by something � anything � at some apt time. �Stopping By Woods On a Snowy Evening� wasn�t something Robert Frost wrote as a deadline breaker. �The Waste Land� surely didn�t happen because T.S. Eliot had to scribble something down on a piece of loose-leaf the night before a big project was due.� Poetry � the good kind � isn�t forced out.� It just happens.
3388. Here�s something I haven�t seen in game shows, but would really love to see.� During the introductions of the contestants, those who are married will mention their spouses.� Well, surely there have been and will be game show contestants who are divorced. What I�d like to see is for a divorcee to acknowledge the ex-spouse on the air.� �And I�d also like to say hello to by bitter, lunkheaded, malcontent ex-wife Sharon.� Thanks for ruining my life and taking the kids, hon.� Now let�s spin that wheel and make some money!!�
3389. So I see by your bumper sticker that your car climbed Mount So-and-So.� Are you proud enough that you burned up all that fuel, time, and energy that you just had to buy a dumb sticker to let all of the zero people who care know about your picayune accomplishment and waste even more pointless money? Well, let me be the first to offer my sincerest congratulations!!
3390. When little kids make plays for attention, we write it off because� well, they�re young kids. We say, �That�s what they do. They�re kids.�� But when those older do it, we get indignant; we say, �They�re acting like little kids.� They should cut it out.�� That�s rather hypocritical, if you ask me.� If anything, it is the kids who are acting like the older ones. If anything, the older ones are more selfish and want more attention!
3391. Some music videos are closed-captioned. Now, if it�s because they think deaf people will watch music videos, it�s a pretty dumb idea. But if it�s for what I use it for, a sort of karaoke thing, then the intentions were absolutely brilliant.
3392. I was recently browsing a music store and found a best-of compilation of the Osmonds. [pause]� Okay, really, you can stop laughing now. No, really.� There is apparently such a thing.� Yeah, now, seriously.� Stop.� That�s enough.
3393. I�ve had dreams where I wake up and it�s about one or two hours later than it actually is. By the time I get up out of bed, in the dream, and rapidly get dressed and get ready, I wake up and find out, only then, the correct, �real� time.� Oh, man, that�s cruel. So not cool. My subconscious needs a beatdown.
3394. I am a very frightening individual.� Seriously, you don�t want to mess with me.� Why? Well, yours truly here has, on numerous occasions, taken four attempts to correctly identify two dishtowels from a standard linen closet. See� isn�t that scary?
3395. Word has it that they�ve opened a new cigar shop in the Vatican City.� They�re calling it Holy Smokes.
3396. Don�t you think history would have been more fun to learn if there were a line of English kings named Rambo?
3397. You know what style I think should come back?� Muttonchops. Yes, you read that right� muttonchops. Two reasons.� One, the word is fun to say.� And two, in my humble opinion, one can never see enough of big, thick, ugly sideburns that draw obscene attention in one�s lifetime.
3398. Don�t you think English would have been more fun to learn if there had been analysis of porno scripts?
3399. You know the onomatopoeic word for the sound you make when you sneeze, �achoo�. By the same logic, I�m decreeing that there should be a new word for the sound you make when you blow your nose: �snorf�.
3400. Many Hollywood actors bring in a higher annual salary than the President of the US. It�s a grave injustice, if you ask me. The President should certainly make more money than a Hollywood actor. Come on. Are you telling me that those Hollywood people are better actors than the President?!� Better actor means more money.
3401. I was recently taking a stroll when I thought I heard my name being called from afar. I stopped and turned to look at the source of the noise when I realized that I was hearing a twittering bird. That�s when I officially had an epiphany that I was out of my freakin� mind.
3402. I think of how scientifically advanced that society has become, how much knowledge we possess about the sciences. Then I look at warning labels and signs that say, �Danger: High Voltage� and �Hazardous Voltage�, and I realize that so many people are also ignorant about science. Voltage is absolutely harmless; it�s electrical potential.� It�s the current that can hurt you.
3403. I recently saw an issue of the tab �Weekly World News� the cover story on which was that several members of the US Congress were actually space aliens.� You know� that�s the closest they�ve been to the truth in years.
3404. PETA constantly sticks its nose prominently into public affairs having barely even the littlest jot to do with animal rights to complain about how much suffering animals have to endure so that humans can do this or do that.� They even sue organizations they feel are going against their ideal. So can I sue PETA for making me endure suffering from their annoyingness?� They should take a lesson from the ASPCA and do it the right way� in the background.� At least I highly respect the ASPCA.� (So go ahead, PETA! You gonna sue me too? I dare ya to!)
3405. So I was riding the exercise bike with a friend, and we kept hitting out knees on this plastic case with a mysterious red button on it.� It was damn annoying. Neither of us knew what the damn red button did, but we still hit our knees on it.� Finally, she discovers what the red button does. You hold it down so you can pull the handlebar, and the attached plastic casing, out, so you don�t hit your knees on it! It figures.� That thing we kept hitting our knees on, that we had no idea of the function of, was something we could use so we could keep from hitting our knees on it. Now ain�t that the irony of life right there�
3406. If we call them �unmentionables�, wouldn�t we contradict ourselves by mentioning them?
3407. I�d like to congratulate whomever I heard today talking on their cellular phone. They have set a Guinness record for longest consecutive time talking without taking a breath not saying anything of substance.
3408. It�s rather startling how people who work out for a gym from which they live within two miles drive there. They�re so serious about keeping fit because they go to the gym, yet you�d think they could be more serious by actually walking or jogging there if they live so close�
3409. Would it be too hideously inappropriate to advertise a job opportunity (oops, double entendre!) for inexperienced porn stars as having �room for growth�?
3410. Here�s a nice sociological experiment.� Whenever someone asks you what time it is, tell them.� To the second.� And pester them by telling them what time it is every five seconds. See how long it takes them to actually get genuinely annoyed by your doing this.
3411. I�m thinking that it would be more appropriate for the minor league affiliates of the St. Louis Cardinals to be called the Reverends, Prelates, Vicars, and Deacons.
3412. So� here�s my proposal. We rent out the entire state of Montana for a few days, and rent a few Corvette convertibles. We play a huge game of nudist ultimate Frisbee using the Corvettes (tops down, of course� how else for nudism?) Touchdown lines are the eastern and western borders of the state.� So� anybody in?
3413. Personally, I find the concept of �friends with benefits� to be rather disturbing.� The expression, as well as the concept, is full of holes. Any relationship involving sexual favors is hardly a friendship.� Friendships involve actually caring for the physical and mental well-being of each other. Casual sex from time to time hardly constitutes caring.� If you cared enough, you wouldn�t be freaking risking a damn pregnancy; contraceptives be damned. And you wouldn�t be creating delusions of intimacy that really screw with your and their thought processes. Friendship is not f***ing commitment enough for sex!
3414. It�s very easy to tell the college kids who desperately need to do laundry.� They�re the ones who are either wearing clothes way too formal for a lecture for at least two days in a row, wearing clothes way too warm or too light for the weather, wearing shoes with no socks, or wearing their bedclothes to class.
3415. I�d like to study the phenomenon happening when you�re in a crowded room with lots of conversation, and the one conversation you nearly always tune to is not the most vehement argument, not the most intelligent discussion, not the funniest dialogue, but the one which happens to involve the single most annoying voice in the room. Interesting how that happens.
3416. It�s difficult to define exactly a cynic.� You�ll know one when you see one.� When you see a guy arrange to have �Taps� played instead of the �Wedding March� while he�s walking down the aisle, you know you�ve encountered a cynic.
3417. I think I�m way too much into game shows.� When I wake up, I hear a theme song playing in my head.� Whenever someone asks me a question, I hear an amplified ticking of a clock. I hear a buzzer if I�ve said something wrong, and I imagine a disappointed audience in the background. I hear applause and ding noises if I said it right. I daydream thinking of commercial messages, and say, �We�re back!�� when I come to.� I call getting ready for bed the �final round�, and, of course, I dream in the bonus round.
3418. Some people, like me, have a favorite writing utensil, one that they love to use when they�re writing pretty much anything.� And I�ll admit that I�m a participant in a pretty disturbing social behavior. They get attached to these pens or pencils like the things are their pets; when they are lost, are broken, explode, or run out, by God, they mourn like their pets are gone.� We panic when they�re lost, try in vain to fix them when they�re broken, look in horror as the ink goes all over the place, including on ourselves, as if the thing were bleeding to death, and try desperately to scribble something when they�ve run out.
3419. The Law of Double Plays: for every baseball game in which multiple double plays are turned, there is an 85% chance that at least one of them will be described as �textbook� or �tailor-made� by the color commentators or play-by-play men.
3420. I swear, if I hear the word �bling� or �bling-bling� one more time, I will rip out the Adam�s apple of the nearest male non-familial person.
3421. Okay, that�s it. I had thought before that I was not of right mind, but now I have been convinced that I am officially certifiable. I bought something from a snack vending machine, and after the purchase was made, the vending machine electronic readout displayed, �Thank you.�� I replied, �Sure, no problem.�� Yes, that is correct. I replied to a vending machine readout. Go ahead, give me the men in the white coats now� I�m as ready for the straitjacket now as I ever was.
3422. My computer has two CD-ROM drives. I was listening to a CD on the computer, and, when the CD was done, I had another one ready to put in the drive. So I pressed the eject button on the drive, but nothing happened.� The damn CD drive stayed closed.� I held it down for about fifteen seconds and let go.� Nothing.� I pressed it hard and let go a few more times.� It wouldn�t go. After about three freaking minutes of this, I said, �That�s it.� I�m putting the CD in the other damn drive.� So I open the other drive, and, I kid you not, right as this one opens, the first drive finally pops open.� The irony of life!
3423. If you believe in Heaven and Hell, think about this.� There are some religions whose members believe that those not of their creed will automatically go to Hell.� So, that means that, from at least one perspective, every single person on Earth is going to Hell. However, there are people who, in their creed, will go to Heaven, and there are also those who entirely don�t believe in an afterlife.� So how does that work?� Would a soul get split up into whatever two or more perspectives are applicable? Or could it possibly be that the very same Heaven to one soul, or the inactivity of a soul, is the Hell to another? Or are we all really Hell-bound whether we believe it or not?
3424. Old ecologists never die; they just exceed their environmental carrying capacity.
3425. I�d like to study the curious phenomenon in where you�re sitting in baggy pants and/or a blanket, and you put a pen or pencil on your lap for a while, and forget that it�s there for a while.� Then you look for it for, like, five minutes before you finally find it in one of the creases of your clothes or the blanket, not realizing that you could�ve just stood up and it would�ve fallen on the floor for you to find it easily.
3426. So I heard Santa�s divorced now. You know what they�re calling him? An independent Claus. (Contributed by Brendan Burgess� thanks Brendan! But I still hate you! [Sorry, inside joke�])
3427. So I also heard that Santa�s branching out.� He wants to make the job easier on himself, so he�s opened up several outposts, strategically placed around the world.� These outposts will be run by one Santa each, but they all have to answer to the big guy. This is a new, inventive method of Christmas-season outsourcing using a main Claus and sub-Clauses.
3428. Would it be too horridly inappropriate to say that someone whose hands were amputated has to come to grips with the fact that they�re gone?
3429. People from Hawai�i are Hawaiians. I think I�d prefer the label Hawaiiamdoinfinethankyas, though.� Catchy�
3430. On the topic of state residency, people from Michigan are called Michiganders. I think they should change that. They should only call the males Michiganders. The females they should call Michigeese.
3431. The Law of Rasp: at least 40% of people within earshot of one talking with a scratchy voice will clear their own throats at some point during the talking.
3432. Priests have a difficult profession. Not only do they have to deal with the responsibility of conveying the Word of God and His image, but also do they have to have the sang-froid to talk through crying babies without getting visibly bothered.� I don�t know if I could take being a priest.� Sure, I could handle the whole God thing, but crying babies?� I�d flip in the middle of Mass way too easily.
3433. How do you tell the dumb guy at the computer?� He�s the one trying to find the hole to take its temperature in because he heard it has a virus.
3434. Female golfers should not be allowed to compete in men�s PGA Tour events on sponsor�s exemptions. If they qualify from the men�s tees in qualifying tournaments, fine.� But just don�t let a woman onto a PGA Tour event just because she�s a woman. If you do that, then you have to let men on LPGA Tour events as well, in which case it would be laughably unfair. Men, on average, hit the ball over 20 yards longer than women, plus they would get to play from closer tees, i.e. the same tees as women. It�s a double standard. This is not chauvinism; the average female golfer cannot physiologically compete with the average male golfer from the same tees.
3435. As good as the nudist colony food drive to feed the homeless was for the local community, unfortunately, it got no coverage from the local media.� [Sorry� I just had to get a naked pun in here somewhere.]
3436. Yes, folks, as you may have heard by now, there exists the Spam Museum.� Everything you ever wanted to know about Spam, all in one building. Exciting, right? Yeeeah.� Everything I ever wanted to know about Spam could fit in my linen closet.� Barely. After all the towels and sheets have been put on the racks. Go, Spam!
3437. So the porn stars� plane ran into some bad weather near their destination, and they had to go into a holding pattern.� No, I don�t mean the flight crew and the plane, of course.
3438. Everywhere you go, you see �natural spring water� advertised and sold.� Natural as opposed to�?
3439. We recently bought some Land O� Lakes American cheese from a deli.� The cheese was good, and the service was good, but it was rather wryly off-putting to see the sticker label on the package, the only thing printed on it being �White American, $4.99/lb�.
3440. On a bottle of shampoo/conditioner I was using [yes� two in one, I�m a guy�], a part of a label made the slick advertising claim, in so many words, that it �revitalizes and cleans your hair � and for less than the more expensive brands!� Well, that�s news to me� I thought you had to pay more for this than the more expensive brands.� Thank you, I�ll� um, keep that in mind for next time.
3441. Did you hear about the song from that singing, moving wall-mounted fish thing that shot up to #1 on the charts? That�s what I call a fluke hit�
3442. I�ve seen supermarkets that have implemented the �no candy aisle� in order that parents not have to deal with children grabbing at it.� So what have they replaced the candy with? All those dumb magazines and cheap newspapers about gossip, sex secrets, and the like.� Oh, just great. �So instead of �Can I have this candy bar, Mommy and Daddy?�, it�ll be �Mommy, what�s an orgasm?� or �Daddy, what are some sex secrets?�� Dealing with the candy question from the five- and six-year-olds doesn�t seem so bad now, does it?
3443. Some schools champion the credo of �learn by doing� when it comes to the best teaching methods. Just how literally do they follow this credo when proffering the lessons of sex education?
3444. When candlemakers reminisce, do you think they realize the aptness of what they�re doing? After all, as the expression goes, they�re waxing nostalgic�
3445. I think that whoever thought up those pictograms on road signs that represent certain roadside facilities is a damn genius.� I mean, you just see that tiny square of the stick figure horizontal on top of a bedlike object, the fork and knife, the crude tent-ish figure, the gas pump nozzle drawing� you know exactly what they mean, you don�t even have to think. You just see the picture and know what it is. You don�t have to put on the sign, �Hiking trail, next left�, you just have that picture of the stick figure with the backpack and walking stick, with a left-hand arrow, and everyone knows exactly what�s coming up.� Pure� damn� genius!
3446. You know those hand driers of warm air that are found in some public restrooms instead of paper towels? They never seem to last long enough to dry your hands before they shut off.� There�s always some bit of water on your hands that you either have to wipe on your clothes or start up the damn thing again to get rid of. I hate that.� It�s so annoying.
3447. �Port of Entry�. If that isn�t a truck driver or sailor porno title by now, I�ll be very surprised.
3448. I propose a new slogan for FOX. How about this one: �FOX � Can We Take a Mulligan, Please?�
3449. Captain of the All-Guys-Whose-Names-Sound-Kinda-Like-Short-Declarative-Sentences Team: I.M. Pei.
3450. I have no problem with the music of Hootie and the Blowfish, except for a couple little niggling things. One, the guy enunciates like he has a mouthful of mashed potatoes.� And two, the music sucks.� But, aside from that, I don�t mind their stuff at all.
3451. I recently saw a building near Salt Lake City, Utah, called �The Real Estate School�. It was up for rent or lease. How ironic is that?
3452. Do you think that if a magician gets charged way too much for something, he would literally pay through the nose? There�s an image�
3453. Captain of the All-Old-Time-Actors-Whose-Names-Really-Sound-Like-Porno-Star-Names Team: Basil Rathbone.
3454. Did you hear about the cannibal politician who promised to put an end to overpopulation? Humph.� Easy for him to say�
3455. It�s really striking how similar people�s tones of voice sound when they�re talking to a baby compared to when they�re really drunk talking to a member of the opposite sex in a bar.
3456. I�m a really rebellious guy. You know how rebellious I am? Well� you know those individually wrapped candies or individual items from six-packs and such, the ones that say �Not for individual resale� on them?� You know what? I resold them. Ooh, don�t mess with me now�
3457. You know how when you�ve got an open wound that�s just about healed over, and you pick the scab and open up the wound again to undo all that your body has done to close it up and make it better?� That�s pretty much how the U.S. likes to handle their foreign policy.
3458. There�s a certain form of politics, making up its majority, whose work is hardly ever seen, which is distinctively dark and foul.� It�s often covered up by a sweeter-smelling fa�ade, but, if someone gets careless and forgets to cover up, there�s no denying that the people will notice its presence and will certainly not be pleased by it.� I call it �armpit bureaucracy�.
3459. Why were the hungry scavenger animals disappointed on their airline flight?� Of course, because they were told that all carrion items had to be stowed in the overhead compartment or under the seat until cruising altitude.
3460. In previous Thoughts, I have railed against so-called �reality shows�, and, now that I have had time to think about those Thoughts, I do apologize for that attitude. I now realize that �reality shows� do, in fact, portray accurately the reality of human life on Earth as we know it. I realize that TV executives are the foremost authority of all humankind on how society as a whole works, and that any attempts to criticize these sociological geniuses on their interpretation of reality will always be utterly futile.� Life as we live it is entirely a sham, a false portrayal of reality. TV executives are the omniscient ones.
3461. Speaking of sociology, here�s an interesting sociological experiment.� On an airplane flight, if you�re sitting next to someone you don�t know, tell that person how paranoid you are of the condition changes experienced in takeoff and landing, and ask them if they would hold your hand during those two events.� See if they oblige.
3462. I was watching a movie trailer recently the plot of which involved some guy falling for a beautiful woman, only to find out that she�s some covert officer of the law. Surprise!� That�s only been done about 452,287 times before. How freaking original. How about actually thinking of something next time?
3463. You know those neck braces people get after having concussions or vertebral injuries? I�d love to see if a fashion trend can be sparked by wearing those things.� Hey, I�m not belittling people who genuinely need to wear those things. And I know it would be an encumbrance. But, dammit, it�s an encumbrance in the name of fashion � if it�s in the name of fashion, then that makes it all OK. Right?
3464. There�s a certain kind of awkward feeling that you get whenever you�re walking past someone talking on a hands-free cellular phone.� You don�t know whether they�re talking on the phone (because you can�t see it), to the air, or to you.� There�s always a certain moment where you have to pause, make an ambiguous nod or other gesture, grumble some ambiguous monosyllabic noise, specific enough just in case they were talking to you but general enough in case they weren�t, and move on. Yeah, that ranks up there in the odd moments category.
3465. I�m known for my long ramblings, so I�ll just keep this one short, thank you.� To all the subscribers and readers of People and Star magazines, I have one simple, very open-ended question for you. Why the hell do you care what those people are doing?! I can�t stand celeb-watching!
3466. The Network Law of Promos #1: a minimum of two drama series per network per year shall be described in promotional ads as �gripping�.
3467. I would tell you the joke about the tractor-trailer truck driving on the Great Plains highway, but I won�t; you would have seen it coming from a mile away.
3468. The Salsa Theorem: if any one person in a group of at least five tries a salsa, and reacts as if it were too hot for his or her taste buds, at least one other person in the group will declare, often in a cavalier manner, that (a) said tester is, in so many words, a wimp, and (b) said salsa will not be too hot for said challenger; and he or she shall proceed to sample the salsa, withholding as well as possible his or her possible adverse taste bud sensation to avoid embarrassment and mockery.
3469. You know the sounds that are made when you�re carrying a six-pack ring of aluminum cans of soda or beer, and all the cans collide with each other within the ring and make these weird noises that kinda occasionally sound like the metallic version of barking seals? Yeah.� That�s really cool�
3470. I was recently lying in bed, only my nightstand lamplight on.� The window was open, the screen in it.� I saw this moth flapping its wings furiously, banging at the screen, attracted to the light, so close to it, but not able to get to it. Don�t you feel like that moth at some time or another in your life?� Don�t you hate that?
3471. Say what you want about those personality tests they give you in a job interview. But I see the universal rule like this. If you�re going for a job, and they don�t give you a personality test, verbally or on paper, then the employer of the job you�re after generally doesn�t see you as actually having a personality.
3472. I hear people saying that they�ve �searched every inch of this place�, or something to that effect. Well, unless that place is one-dimensional, that�s not really possible.� You mean you�ve searched every cubic inch of that place.
3473. Here�s a nice sociological experiment. Call up, say, Microsoft tech support and tell them that your computer has syphilis. If you�re feeling especially creative, tell them how you think it got the disease.� Hear how they react.
3474. I hear people saying that they�ve �searched every inch of this place�, or something to that effect. Well, unless that place is one-dimensional, that�s not really possible.� You mean you�ve searched every cubic inch of that place.
3475. The Cliffhanger Rule: in a minimum of 95% of instances in movies where a character is precariously dangling from a grand height, something will fall from that area through that height to attempt to give the viewing audience some idea, though they can actually see the height, of just how high the plunge actually is.
3476. Ad execs will forever hold a debt of gratitude to whomever scheduled Father�s Day on the same area of the calendar as high school graduation, because it has enabled them to overuse radically the compact advertising catchphrase �dads and grads�.
3477. Do you see any letter D on the end of the word �across�?� No. So why do some of you put one there? It�s not �acrossed�, it�s �across�.
3478. Sure, in America, we can say someone�s �absolutely crazy� or �freakin� nuts�.� But why say that when we can say the supremely cooler and more fun to say British version of that phrase, �bloody crackers�? It sounds like the result of an unfortunate shooting spree in the Keebler Elves� factory�
3479. As of this Thought, the word �metrosexual� is not in Microsoft Word�s library of words; that is, it doesn�t pass the spellchecker.� And I�d like to see it kept that way.� If it ever does make its way into the vocabulary, I will see to it that the person responsible for this decision be permanently haunted in their conscience by the wraiths of Liberace and Joseph McCarthy.� Why those two?� Well, why not?
3480. Murphy�s Law of the Neophyte: in the first few days of your being hired at any kind of retail or wholesale outlet store, you will receive dozens of customer queries on the locations of certain items. You will know where exactly none of those items reside, making you look like an arrant simp.� Every single time.
3481. There�s a newly discovered coral island ring in the South Pacific.� The discoverers didn�t think it was too spectacular; however, it was good enough for them.� Consequently, they named it Not Bad Atoll.
3482. The Valediction Echo Rule: upon leave-taking of one or both from a pair of people, the one who says his words of goodbye second will, at least 60% of the time, say the same words as the first one bidding farewell.
3483. The common expression goes, �Heroes are made, not born.�� Heroes aren�t born?� What? They have to come from somewhere, don�t they? Heroes aren�t born that way, but of course they�re born�
3484. Now, far be it from me to assume the items in the inventory of the average S&M shop. But I can imagine that not too many carry standard office-supply hole punchers.� That�s odd, if you ask me.� In an industry serving people with quite an imagination, I�d think that those could be really hot sellers if people really put their minds into it.
3485. In a recent gossip/sex-mag, the cover touted �3 things all guys crave in bed.� Well, I can answer that easily without flipping through the covers.� The three things all guys crave in bed, of course, are a comfortable pillow, a well-supporting mattress, and a sturdy box-spring.
3486. What did one penis at the country club say to the other penis?� Of course, �Are you a member?�
3487. You have just read a piece of history. The previous Thought is the first ever Random Thought to use the word �penis� in a wholesome, non-perverted manner. Well, come to think of it, this one is the second, so you get a double dose of history� right before your eyes.� Imagine� �penis� in a wholesome context.� You may never see it again.� Especially not from me.
3488. Mention �the opening horn lick from Kool and the Gang�s �Hollywood Swinging� �, and most would have no idea what you�re taking about.� Mention �the opening horn lick from DJ Kool�s �Let Me Clear My Throat� �, and most would know what you�re talking about.� Sad, considering that the former is a funk/soul classic, and the artist of the latter ripped off � umm, I mean� sampled� yeah! � the opening horn melody for his party/hip-hop anthem(?).� Sad, again, that hip-hop fans don�t know any legacy�
3489. I recently saw a phrase on a package in my fridge that got me thinking.� The phrase was �4 Cheese Mexican Blend�. I read that phrase, and I thought, �Wow� you know, that�s a damn good name for an a cappella group.�� That�s the most inspiration I�ve drawn from taco cheese in years, I must say�
3490. A lot of �reality shows� try to incorporate humor into their fabricated plots. Thanks, but no thanks.� You want real reality comedy?� Gather all the monthly Playboy Playmates from the previous five years for a spelling bee.� Give them the same words as the National Spelling Bee uses.� See how long it takes them to get a word right. Whoever televises this might want to set aside a few days for updated and/or continuous coverage.
3491. See, for every medical normality, there�s always someone who bucks that rule. �Basically, a freak of nature.� I�m sure that, if enough (albeit unpleasant) research is done on this subject, someone, somewhere, will find a person of noble birth whose excrement indeed does not emit an unpleasant odor.
3492. Did you hear about the dumb guy whose doctor told him he had goiter?� He told the doctor, �Hey, I didn�t know you were from Brooklyn!�
3493. Did you hear about the dumb guy who thought that George Washington Carver was the guy who performed the autopsy on George Washington?
3494. Remember way back when, in the old days, when �America�s Funniest Home Videos� was actually funny? Okay� I don�t either. Never mind.
3495. The Xenophilic Prurience Theorem: in any given high- or middle-school introductory foreign language class, the primary motivation for a minimum of 50% of the students in it to learn the language is to know how to say obscene words and phrases in that language.
3496. You know how, on narrow roads, you often see cars parked on the side of the road, butting about a third of the way into the lane?� And then, just at that moment, it often happens that a vehicle will be coming the other way just when you drive past it, and you have to thread through the parked car and the moving car.� Oh, yeah, I love that.� You only get about two feet of berth on either side of your car.� The driver of the parked car should be banished eternally to the seventh ring of Nunavut, Canada.
3497. You know� I would care about the NBA year after and follow its season, except that I don�t care about the NBA year after year, nor would I want to follow its season. Oh, well, it�s their own damn fault.
3498. Did you hear about the dumb guy who got debt-ridden because he kept feeling complimented by his billers when they sent him notices telling him that some of his bills were outstanding?
3499. I recently saw a cardboard cutout beer ad featuring a buxom woman holding a beer cup out. The slogan on the sign read, �Make it more with Miller.� I think this implies that you can enlarge the breasts of yourself or, if you�re male, the women around you if you get Miller beer.� What the hell else do you think �Make it more� would mean next to a woman who can�t see her own feet?
3500. It is my opinion that you should never insult anyone�s intelligence� never.� Unless you know they�re dumb as bricks, in which case you should have free rein to fire all the potshots you want at their intelligence.